32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Confused

Today I am a big ball of confusion.  I have been in these bouts for the past few months off and on about every part of my life.  My kids are at that point where I need a vacation from them.  I might have to explain for the non-parents or for the parents who have the perfect child(ren).  Well, my boys tend to work my nerves sometimes and I usually need a break from them (and vice versa) at some point before I lose it.  What is “it”?  My sanity, my temper, my understanding that kids have a limitless amount of energy & boys fight often, or my grip with reality that no parent is perfect and there will be days when I need to ask someone close to me to watch them for a weekend just so I can catch my breathe.  One talks back and I’ve smacked him right in the mouth on several occasions while I calmly look him in the eye as he cries and say, “now, next time you will do what I asked you and save your lil comments for someone who cares because if I wanted your opinion on how I should raise you I would have asked for it.  It’s ok to have a viewpoint, to be an individual, or to even voice your concerns but I am the one who makes all final decisions and not a nan one of those will be subjected to your poor excuse for negotiating your way into my parenting.  Got it?”  Might be a little too much for an 8yo to grasp but he is beginning to understand that talking back is never a good thing and he is still a child until further notice.  My 4yo seems to have an accident (pee) at the most inopportune times.  If this child doesn’t go to the bathroom at the moment his body alerts him then it’s too late.   You know how many times a week I do laundry?  In addition to that, they are both outgrowing everything!  What is the point of winter shopping if the clothes barely last throughout this one season?!  I need a break from my kids.

Usually, at the end of the month I put together an Executive Summary for each outsourcing client.  My sup processes the files and makes note of anything that should be added to the report and I put the report together.  Well, part of that report involves a Featured Analysis which, for this month, involves highlighting the area where the most charges are incurred by bank service grouping.  I had a small meeting with my sup who told me if a certain situation arises to just do “A”.  That situation arose and I did “A” as instructed but not before one client’s bank re-sent a file which had to be re-processed and my report had to be done all over again.  Then, I emailed all 5 (only half of them) to her for approval and she emails me back with corrections or suggestions.  No big deals, I don’t mind constructive criticism but when you criticize what we clearly discussed involving “A” then I have a problem.  Now, I have learned to only send her the final reports when she does not have too much time to critique every single thing including how I typed my name at the bottom of the report.  Every bit of anal.

I don’t know if I mentioned the company I work for getting sold.  It hasn’t yet but since the founders & owners are approaching retirement age, it just might happen this year or next.  So, I have been thinking about my future and where I want to be as well as what I want to be doing career-wise.  Basically, nothing involves Chicago anymore.  I wondered from day 1 why I was brought here I think I am beginning to see that.  Now, it’s time for me to leave.  The same itch I felt when I left Chicago for Lafayette and Lafayette for Indianapolis and the same itch I felt when I left Indianapolis for Chicago is what I am starting to feel now.  I might very well be here another 2 yrs maybe but the itch is there and I no longer feel the need to stay here which brings me to Mr.D.  I have this thing where I must sign up for something, let it settle, even go through the motions and see if it’s for me, and then be able to tell myself “yes” or “no” with complete certainty before I can move on.  When I thought about getting back with my ex-husband I told him so, he was extremely excited, he said it was music to his ears, and I began to see myself walk back down that road to him with his arms open wide ready to hold me in complete happiness.  But, I started to walk backwards, I began to fret, I realized that all my eyes were seeing was a man with horns on either side of his head and fire burning in the background where he stood.  I knew I didn’t want to go back to him or give our marriage another chance but, when my minister asked me if I was sure or if I’d even tried, I didn’t know until I “tested” it out.  Yes, I played with his emotions but now I have clarity….at the expense of his heart I guess.  A test is still a test and I am still looking for rats to run around this maze called Life.

That brings me to Mr.D … not sure about him anymore.  He put a title on it (which is what I wanted), he cares a lot for me, I care about him, but  maybe I just wanted to see if I wanted him as much as my emotions did.  My mind must be convinced or else my heart won’t be allowed to stay but, oddly enough, when my mind speaks my heart forgets about those feelings that used to exist if they ever did at all.  Mr.D’s future?  I have no clue.  The man has been dreaming of opening his own shop since I met him (black folks and their cookie cutter dreams).  It’s 3 yrs later almost and he is no where near that goal esp since he is constantly losing clientele cause he works at his other job too much.  He is an entrepeneur at heart but he slaves away at a job where he is underappreciated, over-worked, and not happy.  I asked about his business plan…he doesn’t have one.  He asked me to research grants for him.  Fine, what are your estimated start-up costs?  He has no idea.  A ballpark figure?  He gave a range of $75,000 (ridiculous).  Do you have a location?  City?  Suburb?  No clue.  Do you even have a name yet?  Nope.  Great.  I thought my dreams still in a stage of infancy were bad….his aren’t even fertilized yet.  I don’t know why I thought adding a title would make it officially special but, nope, still the same person which the same 2 issues that have always irritated me but he is my friend so it makes it worthwhile.  However (there is always a however), we need to get this worked out.

The story of Noah, the ark, & the flood is fabricated.  Factual evidence does not exist to support this tale.  Facts is where my mind thrives.  I’m not confused about my faith or in whom I believe.  I guess my focus is narrow now and more concentrated because, as the Bible is discounted left and right, I feel it’s still not a good enough argument against Christianity.  It’s cute to debate fellow Christians but it’s childs play.  It’s cute to hear sermons complete with yelling, sweat, and scriptures but the power comes from what is real and what is not.  What good is quoting Paul if Paul never existed (just an example)?  Christianity has been under attack for ages so it’s no surprise.  The surprise is why no one speaks of it from within the church.  What other biblical stories are rooted more in fiction than anything?  I need to die with a clear notion of where my faith falls and where it stands strong.  Science has no place in religion.  Religion has no place in government.  Government has no place in politics.  Politics has no place in humanity.  Yet humanity has a place in science, religion, government, and politics.  What the hell is true and what the hell is not?  I’m not asking myself or anyone reading this.  Before I die I need to know what is real and what is false because the facts are just that….facts!  You can’t deny facts and faith isn’t enough to stretch the truth to fit any dogma.  A fellow blogger talks about God needing a Press Secretary.  There comes a time when not knowing is perfectly fine but to not want to know is an abomination so I ask my God whom I grew up believing in to tell me what is the truth.  Not as a dare, or a threat, or an ultimatum…if for God I live and for God I die then I pray He doesn’t leave me to die with questions in my head and accuse me of never believing.

Advertisements

March 1, 2010 Posted by | Christian, Life | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment