32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Tear Fear

man-crying-bI keep saying I want a man who is in touch with his feminine side but I think I am full of crap because, when a guy cries, I freak out.  It’s like I don’t know what to do.  Should I get tissue?  Console him?  Say something encouraging?  I mean…what?!  The first time a guy cried in front of me who I was not in a long term relationship with or married to, I was shocked like having a pregnant woman’s water break in a taxi in the middle of traffic in NYC during rush hour.  Ok….just tryna paint the picture here.  When I see a guy crying I immediately think his mom died, or his child, or his wife or one of those people are seriously hurt.  It has to be something serious to get a man to cry because I hardly ever witness this phenomenon.  You mean you are crying out of frustration?  Crying because you need to cleanse your soul?  Crying because you feel lost?  Crying because you need to vent?  I guess if guys cried more often then it wouldn’t be such a surprise to me or other women.  Yet, if they cry too often they get little respect so it’s a catch-22.

My fear is that I never know what to do so there’s this moment of hesitation as I handle him like he has an airborne disease or something.  I then treat him as I would want him to treat me.  Instead of patting my back lightly or saying something stupid like, “it’ll be ok” I console and just sit there quietly waiting for him to speak.  I couldn’t find words to say anyways so silence is probably the perfect solution.  My second fear is that a part of me does see it as a weakness but only depending on the situation.  A friend of mine is married and has a daughter in pre-K.  Well, her daughter was in an accident so here she is with her husband both waiting in the emergency room lobby watching the clock hoping a doctor comes out to tell them something when he starts to cry.  She was pissed!  Why?  Because she was holding back her tears as the naturally emotional one trying to be strong and not a burden for him to have to deal with in addition to the current situation so, when he cried, she looked at him like “what the hell?!”

If I need you in a crisis to be there for me as my man then we both can’t be crying!  Who is supporting or consoling who?  Who is thinking rationally and who is emotional?  How about we take turns crying at least….if it’s that bad of a situation, I cry first then you second.  My fear is when I need a man there as I know and expect a man to be and he is getting in touch with his feminine side then where does that leave me?  It’s great when guys can cry and release all that pent up emotion and I will never ask a guy to “suck it up” because that is why a lot of them have control/rage/anger issues.   But is there a happy medium?  Or am I too naive or immature to know this isn’t a valid stance?  A man that cries before me is….well….a compliment.  He feels comfortable doing something society has told him he should NEVER do.  He has allowed me to see his vulnerability.  He has allowed me in in a way.  Or, he could be this way with everyone and I am no one special.  Seriously, how much should a guy cry?  It’s easier for women because the world expects us to cry but, then again, some men hate an overly emotional woman or an unemotional woman calling her cold.  What makes a man in our minds?  What breaks that image of a man in our minds?  Crying does not equate weakness but, in some situations, if I don’t cry over that then you shouldn’t either.

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May 7, 2009 Posted by | Men | , , | 2 Comments

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  opendoor1

Satan stopped by to see me
He reminded me
He angered me
He irritated me
He got to me
I relived it
But I did not cry
I replayed it
But I did not write
I remembered it
But I did not fret

God stopped by to see me
He encouraged me
He motivated me
He inspired me
He held on to me
I relived it
And I did cry
I replayed it
And I did write
I remembered it
And I did fret

Satan stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So remain where I am

God stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So I must not remain where I am

Satan stopped by to see me
He pointed out all their flaws
He built my wall of distrust
With a foundation of anger
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where I was

God stopped by to see me
He pointed out all my flaws
He took a hammer to my walls
And a jackknife to my foundation
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where He was

Satan stopped by to see me
We laughed
We partied
We drank
We danced
He made me forget my pain
He taught me to live again

God stopped by to see me
We read
We talked
We sung
We danced
He made me acknowledge my pain
He showed me how to live again

Satan stopped by to see me
But God was still here
S told me to come out and play
G said I was busy today
S reminded me of that party
G told me I would be sorry
I turned to God in anger
And hit Him with my fist
You put me in this mess
Now you ask that I stay?!
God let me hit and He never moved
God let me vent and He never moved
God let me cry and He never moved
God let me tire and He never moved

Satan stood there laughing
Satan stood there watching
Satan stood there helping me
Punch God a little bit harder
God asked why I hit Him
Because you let them hit me
God asked why I yell at Him
Because you let them yell at me
God asked why I hurt Him
Because you let them hurt me
God asked why I had left Him
Because you let them leave me

God stepped closer to me
Then Satan stepped closer
Now they have hit you
Now they have yelled at you
Now they have hurt you
Now they have left you
Now…love them
I stepped back in shock
And fell right into Satan
Love them?!
Why me and not them?
Satan leans over near my ear
And whispers that God is crazy
That He has finally lost His mind
God snatches Satan from the room
And throws him from my mind

She told you what to do
But you decided to ignore her
She told you about the Fruit
Yet still you ignored her
Now I am standing here
Speaking to you myself
Take your mind off them
And quit focusing on “I”

God took my hand
And looked me in the eye
He said I know you hurt
I have seen when you have cried
I was there when you were alone
I told my angels to call your phone
But I knew their words didn’t matter
And neither did her many
I knew exactly what you needed
And it wasn’t even my presence
So I told you to go
When you really wanted to stay
I told you to stand
When you really wanted to sit
When you stood there in front
And you meet his eyes
And he held your hand
It was not just he
but it was also I
He looked you in your eyes
And welcomed you back home
And from then it no longer mattered
This little episode over a stupid phone
Like he said those were my footprints
You saw in the sand
I never once left you darling
I was always here holding your hand
Every tear that fell from your eyes
I caught each one in my hand
All the pain you felt inside
I took it and buried it in the sand

This type of love I am teaching you
Is nothing like the world demands
It requires every ounce of your strength
To love your foes as you do your friends
When you walked up there on your own
It really made me smile
A child may leave their father
But a Father never leaves His child
Satan stopped by to see me
I stopped by to see God

January 27, 2009 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tearless Cries

crying_girl-2072

I read that tearless cries are the worse cries there are simply because the sorrow seen in your eyes are not evident through the act of crying.  Crying is a release of built up emotions and grief felt inside but no one knows your inner pain.  No one sees your inner pain.  No one knows you are even in pain because you refuse to let your tears fall.  I admit I have pride when I know I should not.  My pride has prevented me from talking about it.  My pride has prevented me from acknowledging it.  My pride has made me pick up a mask and place it over my face to hide the pain someone might see in the absence of my tears.

Feel my feelings is what they say – it is an important part of hurting.  I feel my feelings only a tad bit because my mind is standing guard trying to make sense to me.  My mind tends to work in overdrive and it simply cannot explain to my heart what happened.  It is illogical and irrational.  It does not  show that ‘B’ is missing from the A+B+C=D.  My heart and mind speak two different languages so I don’t even know why I bother!  Linear … I cannot overcome myself but, at the same time, must I overcome myself to accommodate someone else?  That’s another blog.  So, I feel hurt.  I feel sad.  I feel miserable.  I feel pathetic even admitting this but that means I am on the right path and should continue if I hope to get over it. 

I feel down.  I feel like it is ok for me to talk about it.  I feel ok with chillin at home (esp since it’s below zero outside right now).  I feel I do need time to myself.  I feel like I am getting by ok where I am.  I feel strong in my moments of weakness.  Earlier today, in the midst of feeling ‘ok’ I was sitting here when this state of sadness came over me.  Like a wave, this overwhelming sadness engulfed me and all I could do was sit down and feel it.  Absorb it.  Acknowledge it.  Allow it to come and do it’s thing and let it leave when it is time.  Time.  One thing I have no problem placing on grief because the worst thing you can do is bring emotional baggage into your future.

There is a rainbow after the storm.  I have even seen a rainbow during a storm as it begins to ease up.  I will see my rainbow but, for now, I am ceasing my tearless cries … allowing those close to me to see my hurt … and acknowledging that someone meant this much to me that I need to feel my feelings before I move on to the next stage.  Ruin my mascara.  Smear my lipstick.  Mess up my bangs.  Redden my eyes and cause them to look puffy.  Write some thoughts.  Read my thoughts.  Delete my thoughts later.  Pride?  Yeah, my well-being trumps my pride any day – pride has officially left the building!

January 16, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment