32B's Blog

…where I write my words

See It To Believe It

water-5I went to church for Mother’s Day running late for my Sunday School class but I made it in the nick of time for the main lesson.  Well, afterwards, I stopped to speak to a minister at my church.  You see, my church is not as traditional as most other Baptist church…..we have two female ministers.  One of these ministers was wearing the cutest orange suit today with a kinda sophisticated flare so I stopped to comment on her outfit and hug her then I said, “you look tired”.  I really meant it because she seemed sluggish, her voice was dragging, and as colorful as her outfit was she was not radiating too much of the same at that moment.  She looked me right in the eye, smiled, and said “my mom passed away this Tuesday so I think I am a bit tired from it all”.  I immediately felt stupid for what I had said even though I didn’t know but, come to find out, the entire church knew.  I apologized and she kept saying “no no it’s fine trust me I am fine.  It was her time and I trust God knows what He is doing.”  As she was speaking to me (our first time ever speaking) looking me right in my eyes my eyes started to water.  She had lost her mom but I was tearing up at the thought that so many had come to church to congratulate the mothers and she was to bury her’s the following week but she didn’t look down about it.  I walked away feeling….weird.  My mom is still alive but that sorrow I felt had touched me for a minute or two and I had to shake it off because it wasn’t mine.  She didn’t look like her world had been rocked off its axis though I know so many who wear sorrow on their face from just being broke.

The other female minister of my church is my mommy.  I call her mommy from time to time and I feel bad if I am not doing as she expected….more so than I ever will for my own mom.  She is my teacher.  She keeps me in check as best she can.  She took me under her wings a long time ago and I have been there ever since.  She loves my boys and I never really knew why she did so much.  Well, her only child is a daughter who is handicap and can never bare children.  This minister has said she always wanted a boy but never will have one so she loves mine as her own.  Years spent taking care of and making sure her daughter was ok and the thought of never having grandchildren.  She does not speak about herself too much and, if I was to ask, she’d probably snap at me but I’d ask anyways.  Trust me, she has gotten used to me by now.  A lot of what she has told me about her past, things she has struggled with, persevered through, and how she came to where she is now is very encouraging.  There have been many times when she probably wanted to cuss me out…I could see it in her eyes esp when I turned my back on all she had been teaching me….but she didn’t.  I don’t know why I write this today other than to say I really feel like she is my God mommy.

My own mom is a solider.  She is the most argumentative, stubborn, persistence, defiant, outspoken, chick I know.  She does not take “no” for an answer and will grill you until she get what she is looking for.  I am soooo glad I am not like her…LOL!  I know firsthand all the things she went through from an abusive husband, mother of 7 children, having to bury your oldest so soon, and going through a divorce to start all over again.  With tears I cry because she irritate me as no other but I also admire her strength.  As much as she pisses me off she makes me stronger and builds this fighter instinct in me.  Not to battle but to love.  The easiest thing to do is to love someone but the hardest thing to do is to love someone who refuses you.  I am not here to diagnosis her, to counsel her, to reprimand her, to insult her, or even to prove some point…..I gave that up a long time ago because no matter how I argued my stance it didn’t change anything.  To see pride from the eyes of your own mom quickly turn to resentment can be disheartening but I do what I have been commanded.  If He hadn’t said, “honor thy mother” I’d have left a long time ago. 

Three strong women who I admire and look up to.  I didn’t have many strong women growing up.  I had my aunts and grandmothers and cousins but they weren’t living the life I wanted to.  The life I wanted to live I needed to see at least an example of someone else living that life to solidify the fact that it is possible.  Obama becoming president is great for young black boys.  Hillary Clinton running for the presidency and nearly making it was great for women in any arena of a male dominated field.  My mom rebuilding her life and making it to today is great for me when I feel like giving up.  My mommy minister who walked away from so many of her friends and worldly life to become a minister is great for me when I struggle just to go another week without sex or giving in to some other worldly desire.  My other female minister who lost her mom and held her head up high in spite of is great for me when I want to make, autograph, add lights, and announce to the world that I am about to hang my “Woe Is Me” banner so begin to pity me in roughly 5 minutes.  And, as always, love is a lesson as well.  It is not always going to be accepted, some will turn you away, question why you love them, ask you not to, call you crazy, and even claim they are unlovable or incapable of returning your love but…..that’s the things right there….it’s helping me to love you and not get it in return.  Sometimes love must be returned (marriage) but other times it teaches me selfless love that I don’t see too often.  See it to believe it does exist and that you too can do just that.  You make me cry, make me scream, ride my last nerve but I still love you…..so, build a bridge and get over it.

May 10, 2009 Posted by | Love, Mommy | , , , , | 3 Comments

Self-Reflection in Progress

self-evaluationI guess lately has been a time of self-reflection because I keep saying, “I am working on me” but when I think about what I am saying I realize I am not working anything but my mouth.  It is hard to look at yourself in the mirror and evalute what and who you see standing before you in order to prevent some things you have done in the past from making it’s way to your future.  This blog came about because my married friends are having issues as all married couples do from time to time.  She calls me to complain about him, about something he did or didn’t do, how he doesn’t help her out around the house, how he is selfish, and (this is the kicker) how he cries too much.  Often times than not, she calls me when he is in the same room and I hear her yelling at him and he knows she is talking to me and all I can do is calm her down because I know she is talking crazy simply because she is pissed.  As her friend, as most men fear, I don’t get in her marriage and tell her to leave him.  I remind her of how much she loves him, how she didn’t marry him because she had nothing else to do that day, and how he is a good man.  So he doesn’t cook all the time, he leaves his dirty drawers on the floor right next to the hamper, he messes up more than he cleans up, and he cries when he is emotional about something.

I half expect her to tell me I don’t know what the hell I am talking about or to throw my own failed marriage in my face when it seems I am taking his side but, thank God, she knows me and she knew my marriage as I know hers.  She eventually calms down and she gets back to being in love with him all over again.  This past weekend, she told me that he is making some changes since he became apart of this Christian men group where they can go to vent about stuff men vent about but not barbershop type stuff…..churchy type stuff of “What Would Jesus Do?” or “What does God want to teach me?”  I value marriage.  At times I still feel like a failure that my own didn’t work.  I know the divorce rates.  It doesn’t sound good to tell people that I am actually a divorcee instead of just single.  My guy friends have tried to encourage me by saying that it shows I am wifey material.  Yeah, sometimes I am a the-glass-is-half-empty type chick.

I see the beauty in marriage and I don’t want her to lose her’s over something stupid.  At times I wonder why I want to get married again when so many men have an open fear of it then what are my odds?!  I don’t worry about that.  I am taking care of me by getting to know me again and figuring out what I did wrong.  The funny part is that not a single friend of mine or his (my ex) would say I was to blame but the reality of it is that I am accountable for something.  But what is that what?  That is another blog coming soon but, for now, I am glad I have real and honest friends who don’t sugar coat or act like they like a sitcom life behind closed doors.  I guess her husband doesn’t dislike me because he is still quite cordial to me when I see him or call for her.  He could think I am an angry black woman who ain’t got a man and want her friends to be single as well….clearly, I am not.

My thing is that I never saw a marriage that worked growing up.  I never saw a couple who struggled and stayed together because they simply love each other no matter what bill was due, how the groceries were low, and things just weren’t going all fairy taley like they thought.  I never saw a man cry because he missed his wife when she left in the middle of an argument.  I never saw a woman set aside her pride to tend to her husband because he deserved it.  I never saw a man cry in front of his wife and she comforted him like he has comforted her on several occasions.  I never saw communication…I always saw broken communication though.  If you never see the sun do you even know it exists?  My father left us when my parents divorced and later said we weren’t his kids.  Every man in my life has left me or claimed to never have wanted me but later, when I walked away instead of begging him stay, they came back asking for my forgiveness.  That is when I finally understood what it means to harden your heart….didn’t know I had done it until it was time to actually forgive them face-to-face instead of spitting in their face.

I was up against all odds when I got married…destined to fail because I never saw a positive example….and fail I did.  I fell flat on my face but I wasn’t angry about it.  I did, said, acted in a way that was not conducive to a happy marriage sometimes but I stayed and wanted to stay but he didn’t want me anymore.  The college life and the college girls were more exciting than me and my stable home with the kids.  How it stings to hear that again.  What really is a strong black woman?  A woman who has weathered the storms of life and never lost the goodness of her character and integrity.  That was the answer I heard on this movie recently.  Strong not because I haven’t cried, battled low self-esteem, fought off depression, or pleaded with God many lonely nights. Strong because I knew when to leave and when to stay knowing that I was still not alone.  They always come back but it’s always too late.  That is what I have learned and grasped thus far as I continue to “work on me”.

February 18, 2009 Posted by | Me | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kick Ass Women of God

wanted-jolie-poster1One of my female friends, Tasha, was discussing women of the Bible with a guy she is dating whom she claims is “spiritual” because he knows all this stuff about the Bible, writes notes about different topics on Facebook, knows what various scriptures in the Bible mean, as well as different characters of the Bible.   Tasha has no interest in the Bible at all because she finds it difficult to understand amongst other things.   Well, one topic that Tasha was discussing with her guy friend was a woman’s place according to the Bible … I already knew his response because I know him. 

He feels that the woman should be a helpmate to the man but his interpretation of the word “helpmate” is slave … servant … called to be of duty to the man … speak when spoken to … you get where I’m going with this?  Obviously this caused a debate between the two of them resulting in her coming to me to vent.  Her problem is the way women in the Bible are portrayed.  None of them are “kick ass” women … those were her exact words too.  They were all powerful as long as there was a man there or they were mentioned for their humble spirit, servant ways, waiting on a man, or following a man’s orders … no woman seemed to take control of her life and situation by her own will without needing the express content of whatever man “owned” her at the time.  No woman was mentioned that stood up for herself.  Even the ones who did get honorable mention did so because they had won the favor of some man … i.e. Ruth and Rachel.   Or because they gave birth to a child … Mary.   Or obediently spoke out against something they disliked … Esther.

Why does getting a man define most Biblical women?  Most modern women cannot relate because they simply cannot see how being of service to someone and finally getting a man makes your entire life meaningful all of a sudden.  I didn’t say anything but I did try to name some women who I thought were admirable only for her to shoot them down because she was comparing them to our idea of “kick ass”.  Modern day “kick ass” for women is not having to depend on a man.  If you have one, great! If not, then the show must go on.  If you have one you still control and determine your own course of action but it is in no way dependent on what he will or will not allow you to do as his wife.   A partnership.

Looking through my study Bible about the many strong women noted, majority of them are called out for their obedience, humility, and wise thinking where they are rewarded by being taken as someone’s wife as a result of their courageous acts.  If already married, they react after asking permission from their husbands.  Kick ass women don’t ask for permission … they take it.  Kick ass women don’t wait for you to react … they do things themselves.  Kick ass women aren’t strong because of their men … they are strong in the absence or presence of their men. 

Humility, obedience, wit, judgement, integrity are all very great traits to have which may determine if you yourself is a “kick ass” woman but I guess the way you go about it makes all the difference.  Do we need to tote around a gun?  A sword?  Fight?  Belittle and weaken someone?  Does that make you a “kick ass” woman or does that make you a weak ass woman?  Strength is best shown under control which reminds me of meekness.  It does not mean you cannot but it does mean you will not. 

Yes, I would have loved to see some women used in place of Moses, David, or Noah … even Paul or some of the disciples.  I do not like that women seemed to have taken a backseat and played the well-behaved little wives they were supposed to be.  But, in today’s world, kick ass should be redefined to include those women behind the scene, those who support, those women who encourage, those women who pray, those women who display kick assness (new word) in a modern way not obvious to those around them.  Those around us are not who we should please … it should be God.  And it requires more strength to exhibit humility and obedience than it does to display defiance and arrogance. 

How attractive is it to calm the flame instead of igniting it.  How mature is it to compromise than to win by any means neccesary.  How honorable is it to display Christ-like traits than worldly traits.  We all know the easy road is the one frequently traveled …

Exodus 23:2a “Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong”

Redefine you and discover who God says a “kick ass” woman is.

January 19, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment