32B's Blog

…where I write my words

My Questions may Save Me

I haven’t written about God in such a long time although I have read about Him often via other blogs & discussions.  I gave it all up.  The more holes I found in arguments, the concrete factual evidence that supported every claim against Christianity, the more that one line kept resonating in my head….you are too logical and rational to believe in such a tale.  I am.  I used to think I was a pretty strange little girl who experienced things no one else did or no one else would ever understand so I kept them to myself until I began to write not worrying in the slightest bit that someone might wander upon one of my pieces or posts and send the authorities to gauge my mental capacity to care for myself let alone my kids.  My rationale and my logic makes me ask questions that others either do not or that others do not see.  What I always thought was a curse of mine (since it pissed my mom off often & now my son does it to me) I find has been a way for me to question myself.

It was never about questioning or interrogating others about the truth of the Gospels, the factual evidence that exists outside the Bible of people in the Bible and/or main events that the Bible claims to have taken place (Noah and the flood).  I did not seek to discredit Christianity because, to do so, would leave me without anything to anchor my soul to if it needed anything at all.  I am beginning to understand that maybe my questions and answers I have gotten are there to challenge my own thinking and not someone else’s.  A blogger posed a legitimate question here asking about the apostles,

For them to have such uniformity of action, commitment to an executed man, and put themselves to the kind of risk they did, all to establish the early Christian church, makes no sense otherwise. It defies human nature, self-interest, and self-presevation for all 13 of those people, one of whom had a position of authority before converting to Jesus’ path, to do that. And to stick with it even through persecution and unto their very deaths as martyrs.”  

The irony in my thinking is that it’s not so much about Jesus because His disciples seem to attest to His presence.  Why would these men do such a thing?  Despite the facts that surface today, despite the arguments, the less authentic view or opinion of the Bible, or even misconceptions and ways in which Christianity has festered into modern society (these are my own views).  Why does the one thing that even I can’t answer or explain the one thing that tugs me awake at night begging for an explanation…but I have none.  I have nothing.  Absolutely nothing and here is why: I too am an apostle who, just as we sometimes refuse to believe they would make such claims about a man who died and rose 3 days later even giving their lives for the cause….I would do the same.  Not that anyone would question my connection with Jesus or even think I walked with Him at all in my life but because I have seen, heard, and felt things my logic is incapable of understanding to explain.  I never find a suitable explanation because there is not one that will explain away what I know with certainty has happened or occurred so I’d be, once again, lying to myself to make myself find an acceptable reason for all these things but months will go by and I will never speak of God, write a post about Him, or even pray to Him but “it” comes back….”it” always does.  Those things my mind which has explained away everything simply can’t explain away this while I laugh at people who recite scriptures, point out what Paul said, where it’s found in the OT & NT, and how the Bible has been taught to ages to explain. 

These people are of little minds imo and these people have refused to touch or try to understand what I have so I know that at a moment’s notice they’d call a psychiatric ward on their dear friend who went mad one day talking about things of a Spiritual nature but Spirits are the one of the things that no one (or at least I haven’t found one) can denounce.  Spirits are the one thing that even most Christians fail to acknowledge or even agree on.  I have been saying and asking my fellow Christian friends to look outside the Bible and it’s page but they cannot because every debate or argument leads to this same book.  Maybe my questions are ways in which only I can understand and make sense of this because I know how my mind works and fictional tales that sound really pretty with the only thing attesting to their truth are themselves have never been my cup of tea.  Seriously, would an ocean not claim to be wet?  Or, would it claim to only wet those who touch it?  No one has the balls to jump in and find out so they pull out these big pretty books written about the sea claiming to be the only law of the sea which will give them a definition of the sea and I must never question it.  Left in the hands of fellow Christians who regurgitate their Bibles & what good ole pastor said all these years, my soul would have died.  So, I ask myself, if placed on a stand to account for all I cannot explain that has happened to me, all that I have physically felt since my childhood, all that I have seen since my childhood, and all the times I was fully cognitive and conscious….would I still say those experiences are enough to lay down my life for a God I have never seen, a Christ I think I have spoken to, and a Bible that creates a mess more than it cleans it up?  Yes, I would…it is the most logical and rational thing to do. (Please do not reply to this post with scripture, if that is your arsenal then you can’t even dry the Sahara.)

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March 23, 2010 Posted by | Christian, God, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Pray For Me Too

Today is the 2nd Saturday of the month which means it’s Prayer Ministry time.  Meeting is from 8-945a…I got there about 815a.  I have missed the last 3 weeks of any & everything church related partly because I’ve been out of town so, when I walked in, I could tell some people were surprised.  I sat down and looked over the agenda to see what we’d be discussing today.  Our book of the month is Spiritual Warfare.  Honestly, this has been the book-of-the-month for the past few months.  Why?  Because no one has read it and because Mama Allen refuses to go on ahead without knowing most of the Prayer Warriors gained something from the book.  The point of this post is to highlight my own shortcomings, the time I was downright rude during the meeting, and the time I talked to Mama Allen about my own concerns with the ministry. 

We have a facilitator for the book who has been absent from the ministry most of this past year while she battled cancer so it was good to have her back.  She opened the discussion and a couple women shared their opinions on the book, what they got from the book, and how it somehow pertained to their personal lives.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!  What the discussion is supposed to do is get everyone talking about key aspects of the book highlighting some line or passage from the book that they liked.  That did not happen too much today.  I won’t say it didn’t happen but I will say it didn’t happen as intended.  One lady (who we all know you can’t pay her to shut up) started talking about something in right field.  Then another lady (who should honestly never speak publicly) started talking about something in left field.  By this point, I was highly irritated because, yet again, we were off topic, not discussing the actual book, and we were going to add yet another month to this already old book!  When the lady talking about left field started to recap a story involving her friends’ house, casting out demons in this house, how she went and bought a bottle of oil to anoint the house, and how she went from room to room speaking the word of God and pleading the blood of Jesus….I was past pissed.

Maybe it’s just me but some people want so badly to be used by God for all the wrong reasons.  She has no anointing.  I will venture out there to say that.  Everyone kept saying how real and serious Satan and his demons are.  How you shouldn’t play with casting out demons because they will surely find a home in you if they know you are just faking the funk pretending to be anointed and all that oil in your hand is good for frying some chicken only!  Yet and still, they say this and people will take up a good 15 minutes recapping their stories.  It’s cool if you wanna take that risk but not during the time when we are supposed to be discussing the book.  So, since I’m used to people at this church constantly muttering under their breathes “I wish she will sit down” or “here she go again” I raised my hand and the lady stopped talking probably assuming I had something to add to the story but, instead, I pointed to the facilitator and said “you can go on to the next chapter”.  You should have seen her face!  She looked like she wanted to say, “how dare you b*tch” but I held my ground cause I was serious….move on!!  Mama Allen starting talking, this chick gave me one of those looks, I leaned forward about to tell her what part of my anatomy she can kiss, but instead I got up and walked out.  I was feeling frustrated all over again.  The ministry is not meeting my expectations nor is it meeting Mama Allen’s expectations given to her by the Holy Spirit. 

Mama Allen called me later during the day and I told her I did feel irritated, I’m tired of waiting until someone decides to do the work needed of Prayer Warriors, I’m tired them wanting the entire church to know they’re Prayer Warriors but not do the work to build the foundation, and I’m tired of feeling stagnant.  My shortcoming?  I felt arrogant during that moment in the meeting before I raised my hand.  This lady said “and I dos it” instead of “I did it” and it was all downhill from there.  In my head, I started to have arrogant thoughts such as “I’ve read all the books and memorized the scriptures so I should be on an accelerated track” or “this lady can’t even speak properly but she’s casting out demons?!” or “these people are holding me back” or “I refuse to call grown women to make sure they have read their books”.  When I walked out, I felt guilt at my thoughts, irritation, and the sad realization that some people need someone to hold their hand in this.  I admit I am not that person.  I am hands off.  Either you work for it or you won’t.  I am not a teacher & I am not a coach because I am the best student/athlete you can find.  I don’t give up.  I don’t whine the whole way.  If I know I can’t then I bow out but not before giving it my all.  I lack patience for people who complain more than they try.  Mama Allen has bust her skinny azz tryna put shyt together for this dang ministry so it pisses me off when some grown azz woman says “I ain’t got time to be reading all these books!”  Do they say that to Mama Allen?  No, they’s bytches.  I hear them say this shyt all the time and they say it to me or when I am standing right there basically not caring how time and effort Mama Allen has invested so it does piss me off and I wish they’d just bow the phuck out.  I told Mama Allen on the phone that the meetings aren’t timely and people talk too freakin much.  How can we move on?!

In the end, I don’t know what I wanna do.  I stepped outside to gain my composure, the Pastor walked in with a deacon and didn’t look at me just muttered a “hello” as if it was required, and I just about screamed.  Why am I even here?!  Why?  My mood is ten times worse from being here for just 2 hours.  Maybe it is Satan up to no good.  Maybe it is a spirit of discord and division.  Maybe it is but I know I want to learn more and I should have learned more but the ministry is not where I would have hoped it would be.  Mama Allen mentioned a “what if” situation that involved her leaving the church or letting the ministry go in the hands of the current leaders….I’d surely leave it as well.  It prb won’t die but it will be on life support for awhile.  I cursed.  I yelled.  I stomped my feet.  I grabbed my coat and left as soon as I could.  I ran from the church and doubt I’d be there tomorrow morning.  If this is Satan’s way of keeping me at bay then it must be cleverly disguised because all I can think about is the mess called organized religion and the Christians who resemble Satanists if anything.  Strong words to type but imagine the way I feel to even type that and stand behind it.  Pray for me too.

February 13, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments