32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Here We Go Again…

I am not a horror film fan.  Mostly, I think they are lame, unrealistic, and just stupid.  The last good scary movie I saw was Case 39 and it scared the piss outta me only because I find it so closely matches real situations that it was no longer entertainment but something to actually, get this, fear.  Case 39 is about a Social Worker who is given a child neglect/abuse case in which the parents of a little girl are basically not loving parents to this kid.  Well, without giving away the movie, the kid is not really a kid anyways.  When I first watched this movie, I could not sleep for almost 2 days and when I did accidentally drift off, I jerked back awake and made sure every light in my apartment was on.  With me, this type of movie rings true because I believe in spirits whether demonic or holy.  I can’t recall when I started to believe in them but I know I always have because I always had an experience to tell about.

This past Monday, I had fallen asleep pretty late in my bedroom on my bed.  Then someone jabbed my leg hard and I jolted awake looking around the room for one of my kids but they were both asleep in their room.  Who the hell just hit me?!  It was an actual jab so hard that I still felt the force on my left thigh right above my left knee.   I placed my hand there and looked around my room.  No one was there but I still sat upright waiting for someone to appear and say, “it was me”.  That is how certain I was (and pissed) that I was not alone and was in a good deep sleep before I was rudely awaken.  The bad thing?  This kind of thing has happened so often I was not afraid of the sheer idea or situation.  The good thing?  Not sure if there is a good thing.  I closed my eyes and silently asked God to show me if whatever it was was sent by Him or the other party.  It took a couple of hours before I could go back to sleep but, since I was awaken at 3am, I had to get up in 3 hours anyways.

This past Tuesday, I was talking away minutes on my cell phone when I finally hung up the phone and nodded off to sleep at about 12:30a in the freaking morning.  No biggie….I work from home today so nowhere to go early in the morning.  At almost exactly 1:30a, someone yelled into my ear “wake up”.  This shout literally jolted me awake and I rubbed my eyes confused.  Did I just hear someone in my ear?  Who said that??  It was loud almost like a megaphone had been sitting on my ear.  Tired, frustrated, and confused…I called a minister from my previous church.  Not sure why I instinctively did that but she answered the phone as if it was 1:30pm instead of am.  I told her what had happened, what has happened in the past, we discussed a situation in this same apartment earlier this year, and how I know she might think I am making this up but I would rather be asleep than talking about this at this hour.  She listened, shared some of her stories, reassured me that had she been someone else she might have chalked me up as crazy, and then she offered some solutions.

Not a single friend from my inner circle has experienced anything similar to this which is why I rarely discuss it with them.  Some friends are of a different Christian denomination so, to them, any demonic or holy spirit is a figment of my imagination and an example of my emotions working on my psyche.  Some friends do not know if they believe in spirits at all although they have personal stories and never discount what someone else feels.  I just think I was chosen to experience certain things that I do not fully understand but am growing accustomed to (another bad thing).  This past Tuesday, I stayed awake until 6am cleaning the house and finally went to sleep for a couple of hours when my kids woke up.  If they were awake maybe “they” wouldn’t bother me so I could get some sleep.

My minister offered 3 explanations esp since I told her I had stories from the time I was a college student until now. 1) My lifestyle is sinful and offering a gateway for demonic spirits to set up shop, 2) these situations occur when I become closer to God or more on the path destined for me, or 3) I have been assigned a tormenting spirit for no other reason than to bug the hell outta me.  She wondered if it was just this apartment but I shook my head fiercely as if she was sitting in front of me – these things seem to follow me occasionally vanishing and appearing at inopportune times so it can’t be my address.  She wondered if I had a past in cult activity, Ouiji boards, or calling spirits from the other side even commenting that once you do that it is hard to break that connection.  Nope, I wouldn’t even know where to begin such activities.  She wondered if I was participating in any sinful behavior that was ushering the demonic spirits in.  Other than normal everyday sins which I have foolishly lost that guilty subconscious feeling over, nope, nothing out of the ordinary….still a regular ole’ sinner but I didn’t tell her that.  I kept quiet and let her finish talking. 

What do I think?  Based on past experiences, this only seems to happen when I am making a positive change(s) in my life.  During college while I shared a bed with my then husband, these spirits would visit me almost every night making noises while I tried to sleep and sat on my bed so I could feel their weight but not see them.  At this time, I was going in and out of periods of being a practicing Christian in talk and in my walk.  I can talk the talk like it’s never been talked before but when I began the walk – this is when I notice them.  When I stopped church, praying, reading the Bible, and began sexing, drinking, smoking, clubbin, and cussing like a sailor…..I never had a run in with them.  When I separated from my husband, began going to church full-time including Bible Study & Sunday school, started taking my kids, bought my 1st Bible, and began to pray for no reason other than to open the lines of communication….they came back.  I am not 100% sure in my theory but I am at least 90% sure in the somewhat pattern.  For the life of me, I cannot remember a time when I was living & drowning in sin that they showed up and showed out.  So what change occurred recently?

I found my scripture list.  I couldn’t find where I had placed them until this past week.  I read through each one remembering how I used to have them all memorized.  I even found John 17 – an entire chapter I once committed to memory for no reason other than it is a gorgeous eloquent piece of poetry to me.  I read it and my spirit lifted because the words are so magically.  Like running 10 miles on cruise control – rarely does anyone understand what you find special or think is awesome.  Anywho, that is when those 2 days occurred but, thank God, they stopped at Tuesday because my minister said a powerful prayer with me over the phone asking God to do nothing less than work a miracle while sending the Holy Angel Regime to camp out at my address while I prayed everyday to calm my fears and just trust Him.  The hard things, I remember with ease.  The simple things, I forget like I was never taught.

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December 3, 2010 Posted by | Life | | 1 Comment

Spirits & Faith

The little girl, not yet 2 years old, walked up to her grandmother and said, “grandma, can you open the door for Mommy and the blue angels?”  The little girl’s grandmother stood there frozen looking into the innocent eyes of her grandchild before slowly looking up towards her closed front door.  Her daughter, the little girl’s mother, had died no more than 24 hours ago.  Hours later, the little girl’s dad came by to pick up his daughter.  “Daddy, mommy came to tell me good-bye”….that is what daddy remembers years later while her daughter does not remember ever saying such a thing and struggles with her own acceptance of the Christian faith because some things just do not “add up”.  Daddy is a co-worker of mine.  His wife died in a car accident.  Could his wife have possibly told their young daughter good-bye hours after they had gotten the news? 

I have always believed in spirits – the good and the bad ones.  I cannot remember when I knew this for sure but I think it was the first thing in life I was ever sure about.  I have countless stories of spirits.  The story above was shared from my co-worker during our lunch hour this past Friday.  This co-worker had his own personal story about his grandfather passing away and coming to tell him good-bye before the family got word he had passed.  Another co-worker also had a story about her aunt coming to say good-bye before her family got word she had also passed away.  Why were we even discussing this at work?  It started with a conversation I walked in on about the mark of the beast. 

I made chilli at home and brought it in for lunch.  Heated it in the microwave and carried it into our “lunchroom” where two other Christian co-workers were discussing the mark of the beast as if it was the latest reality TV show.  I listened having no idea what the hell they were talking about.  They discussed how those who were marked would show such a mark on the backs of their hands and foreheads.  Those marked would not be unable to do simply tasks such as buy groceries thus unable to participate in many activities with those living unmarked.  I am no stranger to asking stupid questions so I said, “what are you two talking about?”  Revelations.  The story about those persons being marked and whether or not the separation would happen first or the marking or both simultaneously.  A co-worker asked if I had ever read Revelations because, in all honesty, how can you be a Christian and not know what your faith believes in or know what will eventually happen concerning those of that faith?  My answer:  I read Revelations years ago and only because I was told I would receive a blessing after reading it.  I should probably read it again, huh?

Revelations is confusing to me to say the least.  Most believe that the stories of what shall happen may be more so metaphorical than literal.  Most believe majority of the Bible is written in this way.  Then, we began to discuss which denomination we each belong to.  One is Pentecostal, another Catholic I think, the third Presbyterian, and I am…..I don’t know.  I told of how I grew up Baptist as did one other co-worker in the room but now I just desire to be a label-less Christian although non-denominational carries a label anyways. 

Law School and I talked about religion, faith, prayer, and our different views on things relating to this.  The most uncomfortable conversation ever because I had to admit I have questions, went through a period of doubt, and am now right where I started from knowing more than I knew 3 or 4 years ago but not sure if the more I learn truly leads to more certainty.  He asked if I fear God.  Silence.  Uncomfortable silence.  I asked, “what do you mean?” not really to get him to explain such a simple question but to give myself time to word my answer carefully.  Yes, always a victim of impressing man.  “Do you have fear of God punishing you, fear you have to live a certain way, or fear that He does have the power to do what He says?”  I explained how my fear comes when I think death is near, when I think someone I love is in danger, when I feel I am walking quickly down the wrong path and time might not allow me to get my repentance in in time.  I do have a healthy dose of fear that I reap what I sow, that I know He knows I know right from wrong even when I knowingly chose wrong over right more times than not, and I have this fear that I will die before I fully come clean in a sense. 

Then I was asked about faith.  I gave my textbook answer which satisfied the person asking but not myself.  Anything textbook is common knowledge and, just because I can recite what it is does not mean I have it.  Then we discussed prayer and I realized I may be the most selfish person when it comes to prayer.  I explained how I talk mostly rather than ask for anything.  I hardly ever ask for anything because my life, at this point, is good.  I literally want for nothing that I feel I cannot live without.  Do I pray for others?  My family?  My friends?  The world?  Those starving?  Dying in war?  Living without knowing God?  No, I do not.  I give thanks for them but pray asking they remain in continued safety.  Am I out of touch with the world?  I might be.  Here I was the Queen of Q&A being interrogated by someone who made me feel like I was doing a piss poor job as a Christian.  No blame was played but I felt it internally because I knew I could do better, do more, and for others.  I did voluntarily let him in on the psycho overly analytical Devil’s Advocate mess that is sometimes me telling him if I ever die I would be hurt if someone wrote in my obituary that I accepted Christ at an early age.  I did not.  I only knew what I was accepting 3 or 4 years ago and, even then, I went into it as I do now….with an abundance of questions and concerns.  God probably accepted me at birth but I denied Him fervently until I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt while shrouded in doubt that I am willing to die for what I believe in.  If you had asked me that years ago I would have said “yes” because that answer is expected as I fooled man easily.  Ask me now and I say “yes” while man doubts me. 

It is almost 2am on Sunday morning.  I fell asleep at about 10pm but now I am wide awake just thinking.  It’s times like this when I wish I had someone to roll over and talk to about all the random things floating around in my head.  Until I find that person to wake up and piss off at 2am with my nonstop chatter, this blog will just have to do.

November 14, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

My Questions may Save Me

I haven’t written about God in such a long time although I have read about Him often via other blogs & discussions.  I gave it all up.  The more holes I found in arguments, the concrete factual evidence that supported every claim against Christianity, the more that one line kept resonating in my head….you are too logical and rational to believe in such a tale.  I am.  I used to think I was a pretty strange little girl who experienced things no one else did or no one else would ever understand so I kept them to myself until I began to write not worrying in the slightest bit that someone might wander upon one of my pieces or posts and send the authorities to gauge my mental capacity to care for myself let alone my kids.  My rationale and my logic makes me ask questions that others either do not or that others do not see.  What I always thought was a curse of mine (since it pissed my mom off often & now my son does it to me) I find has been a way for me to question myself.

It was never about questioning or interrogating others about the truth of the Gospels, the factual evidence that exists outside the Bible of people in the Bible and/or main events that the Bible claims to have taken place (Noah and the flood).  I did not seek to discredit Christianity because, to do so, would leave me without anything to anchor my soul to if it needed anything at all.  I am beginning to understand that maybe my questions and answers I have gotten are there to challenge my own thinking and not someone else’s.  A blogger posed a legitimate question here asking about the apostles,

For them to have such uniformity of action, commitment to an executed man, and put themselves to the kind of risk they did, all to establish the early Christian church, makes no sense otherwise. It defies human nature, self-interest, and self-presevation for all 13 of those people, one of whom had a position of authority before converting to Jesus’ path, to do that. And to stick with it even through persecution and unto their very deaths as martyrs.”  

The irony in my thinking is that it’s not so much about Jesus because His disciples seem to attest to His presence.  Why would these men do such a thing?  Despite the facts that surface today, despite the arguments, the less authentic view or opinion of the Bible, or even misconceptions and ways in which Christianity has festered into modern society (these are my own views).  Why does the one thing that even I can’t answer or explain the one thing that tugs me awake at night begging for an explanation…but I have none.  I have nothing.  Absolutely nothing and here is why: I too am an apostle who, just as we sometimes refuse to believe they would make such claims about a man who died and rose 3 days later even giving their lives for the cause….I would do the same.  Not that anyone would question my connection with Jesus or even think I walked with Him at all in my life but because I have seen, heard, and felt things my logic is incapable of understanding to explain.  I never find a suitable explanation because there is not one that will explain away what I know with certainty has happened or occurred so I’d be, once again, lying to myself to make myself find an acceptable reason for all these things but months will go by and I will never speak of God, write a post about Him, or even pray to Him but “it” comes back….”it” always does.  Those things my mind which has explained away everything simply can’t explain away this while I laugh at people who recite scriptures, point out what Paul said, where it’s found in the OT & NT, and how the Bible has been taught to ages to explain. 

These people are of little minds imo and these people have refused to touch or try to understand what I have so I know that at a moment’s notice they’d call a psychiatric ward on their dear friend who went mad one day talking about things of a Spiritual nature but Spirits are the one of the things that no one (or at least I haven’t found one) can denounce.  Spirits are the one thing that even most Christians fail to acknowledge or even agree on.  I have been saying and asking my fellow Christian friends to look outside the Bible and it’s page but they cannot because every debate or argument leads to this same book.  Maybe my questions are ways in which only I can understand and make sense of this because I know how my mind works and fictional tales that sound really pretty with the only thing attesting to their truth are themselves have never been my cup of tea.  Seriously, would an ocean not claim to be wet?  Or, would it claim to only wet those who touch it?  No one has the balls to jump in and find out so they pull out these big pretty books written about the sea claiming to be the only law of the sea which will give them a definition of the sea and I must never question it.  Left in the hands of fellow Christians who regurgitate their Bibles & what good ole pastor said all these years, my soul would have died.  So, I ask myself, if placed on a stand to account for all I cannot explain that has happened to me, all that I have physically felt since my childhood, all that I have seen since my childhood, and all the times I was fully cognitive and conscious….would I still say those experiences are enough to lay down my life for a God I have never seen, a Christ I think I have spoken to, and a Bible that creates a mess more than it cleans it up?  Yes, I would…it is the most logical and rational thing to do. (Please do not reply to this post with scripture, if that is your arsenal then you can’t even dry the Sahara.)

March 23, 2010 Posted by | Christian, God, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Strange Feeling #3

I am typing this from work because, when I finally did get to sleep, I woke up late with red puffy eyes and highly pissed the fuck off! 

I took my friend’s advice and slept in the boyz’ room last night.  It was about 2am when I finally did that.  They have bunk bed….DV sleeps on top and JQ sleep on the bottom….I climbed in with JQ.  I was laying there with the living room light still on but the bedroom light off and the door ajar when the entire bunk ned started shaking.  I looked up at the bottom of the top bunk thinking maybe it was DV moving and this entire red metal frame was not shaking from underneath me and I was seeing it with my own eyes.  It stopped after a few seconds.  I exhaled and closed my eyes to sleep.  Eyes still closed I had a strange feeling….I can’t describe it in words but I felt like I was being pulled so I quickly opened my eyes again.  Not pulled in a physical sense because I didn’t feel anyone touching me or grabbing me.  I felt my insides being pulled….

This pulling feeling happened maybe 3 more times before the bunk bed started shaking again.  This time I was agitated and could care less….I sighing loudly and waited for it to stop.  Checked my phone for the time and asked God to let me sleep at least a little bit.  I felt defeated.  My friend said maybe my apt is haunted…..no, because, this has been following me for yrs.  From Lafayette to Indianapolis to Chicago….it is def not the apt.  I have no no piece of furniture that I have kept with me all these yrs either.  In the past I would hear things in the room when I knew I was alone.  In the past, the bed would shake and Carl would be sound asleep not feeling anything and I’d be on the verge of a heart attack.  In the past I heard a voice whisper in my ear just to turn around and see no one there.

This time it all happens more noticable as if not to hide anymore.  Always at my home …. never in public …. always when I am the only one awake or aware …. always me.  I have tried to explain it but I cannot.  I have prayed and pleaded with God.  My friend told me rebuke the spirit like prayer warriors are supposed to do … I haven’t gotten that far in my training …. I guess it’s time IF anyone believes me.  The good thing is I am getting used to it out of frustration.  The bad thing is I am getting used to it at all.

January 26, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , | Leave a comment