32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Spirit vs Mind

soul1I was reminded that we must always come to God as little children.  Pure in heart, seeking His help, crying in His arms, and confessing what & where we messed up.  Just like I encourage my kids to come to me no matter what it is or how upset they think I will be – if I don’t know you are hurting or struggling then I can’t help and I want to help you!  This is one of those things I can’t pray about.  I start to but I get all emotional and stuff and, eventually, I have released more tears from my eyes than words from my lips.  I do what I do best – I analyze the situation and come to my own conclusion as to why things are not working out.  The bad thing is that I don’t even lie to myself so I tell myself all the time, “he’s just not that into you” or “nothing can keep a man from you if he truly loves you” and “never wait for a man because that is all you will find yourself doing….waiting”.  This is all stuff I have read, heard from men and women, saw on TV, and learned from the personal experiences of someone else. 

The one conflict?  The variable that is not allowing the theory to completely hold up on its own.  The one uninfluenced force that moves when it wants, how it wants, with no regard to how people and things react.  My spirit.  My heart feels a certain way.  Obvious, my eyes are connected to the heart.  One breaks and the other cries.  Why?  That is what you are programmed to do when you are confused, frustrated, irritated, and/or upset….you cry.  I tend to cry for those reasons alone but hardly ever when I am sad.  My spirit is ok with things for some reason.  My spirit is alright and seems to understand something I am not getting.  Or, see something I am blind to.  Or, know something that has yet to be revealed to me.  Does that change anything?  No.  It should because you should follow your spirit but it’s not that I don’t trust my spirit….it’s because I don’t trust me and me has gotten in the way.  Maybe…..just maybe….please maybe when I get out of the way things will unravel and I will go, “ooooooooh, now I get it!”

Why do we argue so much?  I wouldn’t even call it arguing…more so debating.  We are on two different pages of the same book.  We can talk and communicate well but not when it involves each other.  Words seriously do get in the way.  His expression is different from my expression or how I would like his expression to be.  I try to understand his expression and, even then when I ask questions for clarity, it all backfires.  What hurt me the most was when he said, “to have somany miscommunications and misconceptions and not be together, as in a literal couple,  its a lot.”  Then he says, “well let me be clear in that your friendship is not labor.”  Then I said, “how abt this…how abt we just ignore whateva emotional feelings we have for each othr and act out our rational thoughts. We fight and argue too much. Call it what it is.”  Then he replied, “true but I miss you as much as you miss me. We both care a LOT about each other…pissed or not. That makes a huge difference because of my emotions I have for you.”  And….the realization that lead me to making the same decision I made seven months ago…”you don’t miss or love me enough to give up your autonomy.”  Until then, I have shut down.  I have given up.  I care but I refuse to listen.  This is a classic case of boy-don’t-want-girl and here I am throwing in the towel because I am out of options.  Out of pep talks.  Out of confidence.  Out of optimism.  Out of adventure.  Out of it all.  Only thing left still knocking on my door is love (which will likely always be here) and my spirit (which will probably have to drag me by my collar this time around).  I acknowledge that nothing feels bad because my spirit seems to agree.  I just don’t agree with my spirit.  What am I to do then?


March 26, 2009 Posted by | Love, Spiritual | , , , | Leave a comment

Mr Beautiful

blackman1His first compliment to me was not that I was beautiful but that I was gorgeous

Actually, his first compliment was also his first words to me at all

We had never spoken unless this is the time my memory fails me

But he referred to me as gorgeous and I to him as handsome for he is

Handsome not because I knew him

Handsome not because we were close

Handsome only because that is the image I saw in his pictures

Then, one day, I did not see him as just handsome

One day I could not use that word to fully describe him at all

From then on I referred to him as I myself now see him

And that is as beautiful

One day he took my hand and we walked behind the pictures

One day he took my hand and he opened up to me

One day he took my hand and we sat and laughed all night

One day he took my hand and placed in on his heart

And one day I took my heart and placed it in his hand

What I got to see of him is what so few get to see at all

He introduced me to the real person behind the pictures

He introduced me to the beauty of his soul

He introduced me to the beauty of his spirit

It all started with a compliment

In the end I found my complement

Two kindred spirits one enclosed in beauty

February 14, 2009 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Strange Feeling #2

I am documenting this as if it will make a difference later….I hope it does one day. I was on the phone with my soror talking about her upcoming trip to Chicago this weekend when my guy friend called. I told her who it was and we said our goodbyes so I clicked over to talk to him. It is about 10:30pm by now and we have talked for about 20 mins when I laid my head down and closed my eyes….still listening though. With my eyes closed and my head leaning on my cushion with the phone on speaker laying next to my mouth…..from behind my closed eyelids I see a flash of bright light…..like a camera flash. I open my eyes and look around. TV is off….computer monitor is off….only one light is on but no reason for s udden flash of light. I get off phone with him and I sit and think about what the hell just happened. I started crying because fear became a thick fog around me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I asked God to help me. Help me! Help me! Help me! With tears running down my face and speaking aloud I repeat “help me!” and nothing from what my eyes can see. I pray this will not be another sleepless night…..

January 26, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , | Leave a comment


matrixbulletsI love the movie Matrix!  I only kinda liked the second and third sequels but my fav is the original…the first one.  I fell in love with Keanu Reeve’s character Neo because his innocence and naturally human approach to his “destiny” was understandable…relatable (if that is a word).  The shift of the movie occurred when Neo stopped using his sheer force and strength to fight his adversaries and, instead, he began to tap into his own strength he never knew he had but was always there.  This began when he finally believed.  Morpehus said it as well … “he is starting to believe”.  When Neo began to believe he no longer had to dodge bullets … he stood there and simply stopped them in mid-air. 

I thought about this when I was in the shower about an hour ago because one of my sorors called and asked me to pray for her.  I, nonchalantly, said ok.  She then made sure I didn’t forget at which I replied “ok” again.  Then she asked me the definition of a warrior.  I replied that it is someone who fights and wars in the spirit.  Dictionary.com says this:

A person engaged or experienced in warfare; solider.  A person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness

Maybe I am naive but what if we really do not have to fight so hard in prayer?  Several places in the Bible, and in life, people are said to have prayed so hard that they tired themselves out from the effort alone … became weak and drained … from emptying themselves completely before God in an effort to make their prayers known and heard.  There is a time and a place for all things but, everyday, is that required? 

Sometimes I feel abnormal because I do not yell.  Some people say I do not speak loud enough because I focus so hard on speaking to God that I know He hears me and the people listening matter not.  Sometimes I feel abnormal because I do not close my eyes and bow my head.  My prayers and my prayer life are not consistent with what most are taught.  I enjoy praying in my head, in my spirit, as well as aloud when I am alone, or with my head bowed and eyes closed.  The connection is most important to me.  That connection is what I attempt to understand.  That connection is what I strive to maintain.  That connection is what I miss when I have gone astray. 

Must I “war” in the sense of the word?  Yes, there are evil spirits who indeed seek to kill and destroy.  I guess when she asked me the definition of “warrior” I was thinking about someone who is bloody, exhausted, and staggering on one leg with a severed arm.  But, I think of a skilled warrior who has perfected the art of this war and knows how to efficiently and effectively tap into the strength they have to get the job done.  Believing is only a starting point.  Staying connected is the ongoing difficult part.  Speaking to your Father as you know He hears you is an individual process.  Being a prayer warrior is a calling for everyone.  I truly believe that an exhausting all out battle is not necessary for our everyday requests and petitions of God … if I am wrong then I am still in training.  I simply believe that my God hears me … my God sees me … my God is near me  …. and I Him so I can stand and know that He is.

Neo:  “Are you trying to tell me that I can dodge bullets?

Morpehus:  “No, Neo, I’m trying to tell you when you’re ready you won’t have to.”

January 24, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Positive Thinking

I was on the train today just thinking when this new “craze” popped into my mind for no reason at all.  I call it a craze because it seems as if it is something new but, to me, did it not already exist?  I got home and turned on my TV more so for background noise while I worked to see Oprah talking about this exact topic.  From what I have read and heard, positive thinking is a connection to your spiritual being in which you focus on positive thoughts and outcomes which are supposed to result in a happier or optimistic outlook on life. 

Be still.  Connect to your spiritual core.  Take trials as learning experiences.  Do not give in to negative thoughts.  If you believe you shall fail then you will.  If you think you are doomed then you are.  Think what you want and it will come true.  It all sounds like something I have read and heard before.  Be still and know that I am that I am.  Stay connected to the vine and abide in me.  Trails come to make you strong.  As a man thinketh so he is.  Life and death lies in the power of the tongue.  Ask in faith and believe that you shall have it.   One is independent in a way and the latter is dependent  in a way.  You still choose to be rooted but the latter seems to draw on a known well … where is the well for the first thought pattern?

The thing that has me thoroughly confused is when someone from the show, as well as others familiar with this positive thinking plan, say that at first they were religious simply because it was the thing to do but then they found spirituality and realized there is a difference.  There is?  Is there a difference?  Religion is what?  They have defined spirituality but what is religion?  To me, from my extensive library of one book, religion is an organized and collective belief in something or someone such as Judaism or Buddhism.  But, how do you possibly separate one from the other?  Separate faith from beliefs? Without faith religion would be something you do but do not really believe in.  Without religion faith would be an uprooted plant trying to survive the elements.

Spiritual thinking is a way of life to keep us, humans, connected as we undergo this human experience – as explained by the show.  I do not disagree with the notion of spiritual thinking but I do disagree with the idea that is can exist alone.  In what spirit are you rooted or connected?  What does that spirit tell you?  How does it direct you?  There are many spirits and not all are aimed for good!  This whole spiritual thinking is what I have called and known as faith.  Faith in a higher being.  Faith that my life has a purpose.   Faith & positive thinking – one in the same?

Religion in itself will never explain everything so it could never begin to become a “be all do all” so to speak.  Where there are arguable holes in a theory or theology – insert faith.  How does going to church every Sunday have an bearing on your life?  It does not and will not without connecting to the Spirit which guides you.  The differences between positive thinking and faith present themselves when I think about hardships we all may face in life.  How does positive thinking sustain me when I am holding my dying child in my arms?  I think positive thoughts to reinforce what?  Think positive thoughts that who is in control?  Think positive thoughts that my child is where?  Think positive thoughts from where? 

How does positive thinking sustain me when I am hunted because my skin has  more pigmentation than others or my beliefs are not that of the majority?  Does thinking positive get me out of these situations?  No – because thinking is rooted in the mind and my mind is the reason I fight with myself day after day.  My mind must be ruled by someone or something other than myself so to fathom the idea that this device can produce positive anything independently is stand up and sit down comedy.

One guest did say she lost her son and that this kind of thinking helped her persevere.  She allowed herself to grieve, not get down about life, not give in and give up, stayed connected to her spirit and made the decision to live the rest of her life.  Yes – that is it!  Exactly that!  Take something directly connected in a higher being, strip it of its association with that higher being and make claims that you yourself can suffice without that higher being by simply staying connected to the spirit.  How effective is a vine without it’s root?  How prosperous is a garden without it’s gardener?  How beautiful is anything that grows without pruning?  Let’s just call it what it is…

January 14, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , | Leave a comment