32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Married Sex

Relationships & marriage are almost the main topics of discussion when I talk to friends.  Most of us are single (not in a relationship), dating, in a relationship but not married, engaged, or married.  About once every other week I go for walks with a friend who works in the same building as I do.  She is 41 and has been married 13 years.  I can name about 3 friends who are currently engaged to get married in the next couple of weeks to next year.  We discuss how they knew he was the one, how he makes them feel, how wonderful he is, and how he is such a good God-fearing man.  You just want to smile, tilt your head to the side, and say “ahhhh” very loud but softly.  Well, during these talks, I always want to know how the sex life is.  I want to ask my friend who has been married for 13 years how her sex life with her husband has been going.  We talk about communication, submission, keeping God first, and everything else but sex.  It seems to be a forbidden topic.  One friend who is newly engaged has only mentioned sex with her fiance once to me and it was mostly at his urging because she has never climaxed and will not allow him to “get her there” because she is afraid of what will happen.  So, he got on the phone and asked me to tell her to calm down and just let it happen.  Kinda awkward because I wanted to ask why he was so sure I was the one to encourage her and why he assumed I knew anything about climaxing at all.  Then I have another friend who quite vulgarly admits getting certain actions done which makes me want to cover my ears and yell to drown out the TMI moments. 

We are not supposed to fornicate.  No sex before marriage.  Keep your legs closed and your panties up.  I’ve heard it all before but I have rarely obeyed (obviously).  Every single friend I know who is engaged to be married has had sex at some point.  But, I’m sure married sex is quite different from single fornicating sex.  Married sex kinda has a boring, lame, tired sound to it.  While walking with a married friend who works in my building, we discussed that one relationship during college that we both regretted deeply.  I explained how I moved in with my guy to the dismay and direct disobedience of my mom and she shook her head admitting she had done the exact same thing and stayed with her guy for 5 long years.  I assumed in those 5 years they were having sex but I didn’t ask.  Then she had mentioned months ago about her and her husband trying to have kids, so I assumed they had a decently active sex life.  I am curious.  Curious about sex once married.  And, I was really wondering about “maintenance” issues because this friend of mine has quite a bush of armpit hair (she was wearing a sleeveless shirt one day) so I wondered if she kept other areas trimmed up if at all.  And, if she didn’t, are they not participating in oral sex? 

Yes, I know my curiosity may be rude, disrespectful, and crossing the line but single women discuss sex often.  I have one married friend who discusses her sex life since getting married with me & it has been helpful.  We never discuss particulars about her husband but they still share this drive, intensity, desire, and freakiness as they did when they were dating.  I find it encouraging but they have only been married 5 years so who knows.  In my blatantly sinful state, I have learned quite a lot about sex, sexual positions, and things my body can accomplish.  I was always comfortable with my body because I just knew I was sexy but I wonder how sexy or in touch with your sexuality a woman can be without a man thinking she has slept with half of the continent USA.  What skills are important to have?  What skills are questionable?  Does sex get boring after a few years?  Does seeing this same naked body seem like a chore?  Maybe I’ve heard too much bad and not enough good.  All I know is how much I appreciate all the good advice on how I can get myself married off (as if I need that) but no one offers sexual advice and I know not everyone is saving themselves for marriage.  I heard that good head gets you a house – does it get you a ring too?  Does anyone dress up?  Role play?  Do the same tactics work from before now?  Do sexual interests change as a person naturally does over the course of life?  Does the freakiness calm down or intensify or has a place once in a while?  Are Extenze pills the end result for most men?  Do you naturally lose tightness? 

My grandma, my mom, my aunts, my married friends – no one talks about sex although I know they are having plenty of it to reproduce as often as they have.  I wonder if guys discuss sex once married?  I was talking to a single friend recently who is dating.  She asked me if I have ever withheld sex from a guy because I was mad at him.  I told her no.  Forget him, I’ll be punishing myself if I do that because I want it.  We laughed about it in complete agreement.  Sex is one of my favorite topics and I admit when I got married the 1st time (I’m sure there will be a 2nd), I knew nothing!  He was my first, the only part of my body I kept shaven were my armpits, and I didn’t know a thing about oral anything.  I felt like it was my duty to have sex with my husband but it was not always good to me and I didn’t know enough about my own body to know how to improve it or what to tell him.  Looking back now, our sex life sucked!  I didn’t read books, watch pornos, or discuss sex at all prior to.  Next time I go walking with my married friend, I will just ask her.  She might choke for a split second, look at me in disbelief, and laugh uncomfortably but I’d rather she (and other married women I plan on asking) tell me “none of your damn business” than for me to wonder in silence.  That is my problem, I will ask any question and leave no rock unturned in my quest for knowledge or to be nosey – whichever label you choose to use.  I do not care.

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September 5, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | 1 Comment

Men, Marriage, & Monogamy

Sometime last month (I think), I was sitting here thinking about marriage and the sanctity of it while watching a news program about yet another politician cheating on his wife and calling his mistress his “soul mate”.  I did not have anger towards this man or think he was an abomination towards anything or anyone.  Oddly enough, I felt sorrow for him because he is yet another man who has found themselves participating in extra-martial affairs.  So, I wondered if marriage is what it ought to be and whether humans are even capable of being monogamous for the long-term.   It’s not to excuse this, or any guy’s, behavior but to ask if you can truly tame anything wild.  When I say “wild”, I mean anything that must deny it’s natural behavioral instincts to fit a standard or expectation that may honestly be un-natural.  I put together a small 10 question survey called Men, Marriage, & Monogamy as just a drop of water for my increasing thirst to see if people are willing to answer questions about monogamy.

First off, I did not want to limit the definition of “marriage” since my definition is based on my faith and not everyone follows the same beliefs as I.  Secondly, I truly believe that some couples who have never signed the dotted line of some legally binding document are more married than a couple who has.  Thirdly, I honestly believe that (based on my Christian faith) if God sincerely looks at one’s heart then one’s heart must be in the relationship wholeheartedly for a marriage to stand the slightest chance.  And, lastly, we wrestle with our flesh day in and day out so I would never expect marriage to cure all attraction to the opposite (or same) sex and would think anyone who claims it has is an undiagnosed lunatic or simply has not been married long enough. 

The survey was open to all married men of at least 18 yrs of age.  I was going to restrict the survey by religion or even sexual orientation but lust & attraction applies across the board in my opinion so I left it as is.  The survey is still open (I cancelled the expiration date so readers here can view the 10 questions although any married man who wants to can still participate) but I have collected sufficient data for now to complete this post.  Based on the number of married men who anonymously and voluntarily completed the survey:

Age

  • 44.4% are between the age of 26-35 while 55.6% are between the age of 36-45

My spouse is

  • 100% are married to a female (I guess no gay guys wanted to participate 😦 )

Length of marriage

  • 11.1% have been married <1 year, 44.4% have been married 1-5 years, 11.1% have been married 5-10 years, and 33.3% have been married 10-20 years

Do you love your spouse?

  • all 100% said they do indeed love their wives

The next question involved a rating scale to gauge how satisfied each married man was in the following categories:

Currently, please rate your level of satisfaction with your spouse in each area:

  • Quantity of Sex – 66.7% said it “Could be better”, 22.2% said “I’m walking clouds”, & 11.1% said “Completely content”
  • Trying New Positions – 66.7% said it “Could be better”, 22.2% said “Completely content”, & 11.1% “I’m walking clouds”,
  • Use of Toys – 77.8% said “Completely content”, 11.1% said “Could be better”, & 11.1% said “Better than I imagined”
  • Oral Sex – 66.7% said it “Could be better”, 22.2% said “I’m walking clouds”, & 11.1% said “Completely content”
  • Intercourse – 44.4% said “Better than I imagined”, 22.2% said “Completely content”, 22.2% said “I’m walking clouds”, & 11.1% said “Could be better”

Which of the following have you done since getting married?

  • all top 4 rows had a 100% “Never” response.  The last row involving just the thought of doing one or more of the above mentioned with someone other than their spouse resulted in 66.7% saying this thought has occurred “More than once” & 33.3% saying this thought has “Never” occurred.

How likely are you to remain faithful?

  • 77.8% said “Extremely Likely” while 22.2% said “Somewhat Likely”

Question #9 asked what attracts them to others & allowed the married man to write in his own answer which consisted of:

  • Intelligent conversation, appearance, physically fit women, being in close quarters with a woman for long periods of time, desire to try something different, women who they connect with in social settings find their way into their thoughts, even a women showing him attention, while some replied “nothing” or “N/A” (just listing some keys ones most men seemed to agree on so they were repeated)

Marriage has <<fill in the blank>> my sexual attraction for someone other than my spouse:

  • 55.6% said marriage has “Had no effect on” this attraction, 33.3% said marriage has “Slightly decreased” this attraction, & 11.1% said marriage has “Nullified” this attraction completely

My un-licensed conclusion from these survey results: the men who chose to participate were honest in their views (I truly appreciate that), the majority seem to have at least one sexually related area that “could be better”, the list is endless on what a certain man finds attractive so there is no one thing that catches them all off guard, and the thought alone of another woman (in this case) is a real & expected factor in most.  A friend of mine is thinking about doing a book concerning marriage & relationships so this was a big help to her although I may be asked to create more surveys in the near future about marriage, relationship, sex, or anything related.  This time the survey was targeting men only because of the politicians in the news recently so it is not a diss towards women or the ignorant thought that women do not or will not cheat.  I would hope I did not offend anyone, I would like to think my eagerness to understand the trials of a man while married in this lust-filled world are appreciated, and that my sincere gratitude towards those who participated is clearly expressed.  Until next time….

March 8, 2010 Posted by | Love, Men, sex | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Fly Penguin Fly!

Another blog about the trials and tribulations of dating in todays society.  Yesterday was my date with Malcolm.  I took the train downtown to meet him at Macy’s but instead I went next door to Starbucks because it’s been too long since I’ve had a hot white chocolate.  So, as I sipped my drink talking on the phone to soror sitting next to the window looking at Chicagoans walk by, Malcolm walks in and the whistle is blown….date in progress!  We walk the 2 blocks or so to the rink but it doesn’t open until noon so he says “ok, let’s get some breakfast then”.  I look at my watch which says 11:10a and say “you mean brunch maybe but ok”.  We go to Ronny’s Steakhouse (my 1st time) and he orders this enormous breakfast complete with 3 pancakes, breakfast steak, hashbrowns, eggs, & some fruit pieces.  I order eggs, polish sausage, hashbrowns, & toast.  If they offered a kids meal I would have taken it but I ate all the important stuff  and left the toast & hashbrowns.  We go back to the rink and it was the highlight of the date.  He was a weeble wobble on skates since it was his 1st time since he was about 10yo.  It took me some time to get used to it but then I was in the zone.  He started doing all these tricks where my life was in danger such as moving me from his left to his right side by switching hands while moving on ice with ppl around!  I almost died several times lol then he wanted to pull me around while still skating forward so I was facing him like we were pros.  Another time, he tried to skate backwards while we held hands so we were skating face-to-face lol ambitious goals so there were times where I did scream out loud but thank God the rink wasn’t crowded!  Most ppl looked at us with this “aww they’re so cute” look while smiling.  I think we skate for 1.5 hours taking off articles of clothes as went along because it was mild weather & I was burning up in the wool pea coat but we did not fall 🙂

They had to clean the ice which is a 30 min wait so we decided to do something else.  We walked around downtown while talking, he asked if I wanted a drink or to get ice cream so we can sit indoors and talk….I choose ice cream because I needed my full range of thinking just in case.  We went to Ghirardelli (my 1st time) and I vowed very to eat with him again.  Mentally, I was counting all the calories I’d eaten in the span of a few hours and thinking of the miles I’d have to run to burn it all off but the ice cream was delish & rich.  He then asked if I wanted to see a movie while he read off the list of movies now playing at the theatre nearby.  In my head (and this is where I might differ from most women), I’m thinking about the tab he paid at the steakhouse, the tab he paid at the rink  to rent the skates, and the tab he paid for the ice cream bringing me to a grand total that surpasses anything I expected him to spend on a 1st I-don’t-really-know-you-other-than-you’re-cute date.  He asked which one but then said, “or we can watch a movie at my place” (which was abt 20 mins from downtown).  I said we could go back to his place…save some money although it wasn’t my money.  A guy & gal friend think this is where I messed up.  Other gal friends think I should expect him to be a gentleman no matter where we are.  Same guy friend said doing “A” tells him that I might be interested in “B”…confusing as hell esp when I sent a signal that I didn’t know I was sending which interprets into something errorneous.  Now, I never said I was not naive….I am indeed some times but I would like a copy of this Signal booklet so I’d know what things not to say so a guy won’t think I want sex or is offering sex.  That would be extremely helpful!!

We go back to his apt which was small and cute.  He showed me his huge tv and I saw excitement dancing in his eyes.  Actually, the tv was pretty awesome….I swear it looked like the people on screen were right in the room with me.  We started watching Hangover (great movie) but he had the unrated version so there were parts I hadn’t seen yet.  After a few minutes I heard him snoring lol we were sitting next to each other on the couch but he had leaned his head back against the cushion and was out for the count.  I smacked his leg and said “wake up” and he mumbled “I wasn’t sleeping”….why do guys lie esp when your snoring gave you away?!  So, fast forward, I check the time and say I gotta be going so he says “ok” and pulls me close for a kiss.  No biggie but his hands started roaming so, in my mind, I’m thinking “what the hell is he doing?!”  Basically, his hand went between my legs (I was wearing jeans) and I pushed him away and said “yeah, I gotta go” so we left.  He asked if he’ll see me again.  I said “sure as long as it does not involve someone’s apartment”.  That was my reply after some time because my initial reaction was “no” but then I had to think of other factors. 

His age may be a factor although I’ve experienced this from guys of all ages.  Coming back to his place was likely a signal but I’ve done that before with guys I’ve dated and they made a move 50% of the time and the other 50% they didn’t.  I had no reason to believe all men will try to grab my crotch if I agree to come to their apartment.  I asked a guy friend why men don’t just say up front they only want sex.  He said it’s because men will get rejected more times than not.  Ok, but at least you saved time.  Think about this (based on this, I think men are stupid), you take a woman out, spend a boatload of money on the date, spend hours of time with her during this 1 date, and then expect sex at the end of the night but she says “no” so now you’re pissed but you hide it cause you don’t want her thinking that’s all you wanted anyways.  Maybe men should do their homework and weigh the chances of getting sex from her (if that’s what you’re after) and this will save you time and money unless you could care less about either one.  Who invests money into something with no idea what the return will be?  An idiot.  A poor investor.  A fool with a desire to be broke.  I’m not saying there aren’t women who will have sex on the 1st date, I’m just saying I’m not one of them and he would have known that had he done his homework.  Bad investor but I did enjoy the activities his money paid for and he was a delight.  We were together from 11a – 6p and I never once got tired or irritated with him.  I was tired in general and needed a nap but time seemed to float on by which was very pleasant.

Now, my feelings weren’t hurt and I wasn’t mad at him. My thought process right now is more so understanding animalistic (no offense guys) behavior as opposed to getting all bitchy about one glitch in an otherwise nice day.  Why don’t guys just say up front that they are not interested in anything other than sex?  If he sleeps with her eventually and that never amounts to anything other than “kickin it” then now she’s mad because she too deserves honesty when it comes to expectations.  I have done that once.  I approached a guy just for sex, he said “let’s go now”, and it’s been that way since then but I am a girl and girls (no matter the level of attractiveness or hygiene it seems) tend to never get turned down.  Why don’t guys communicate?  It’s like asking penguins to fly but I’d really love that!  Make it known what you want because, if you don’t, you take the chance of being an a’hole.  I’d gain more respect for you because you’re honest.  I might say “not at this point but maybe down the road when we’ve established something”.  Or, “no, I’m saving myself (or what’s left of myself) for marriage”.  Should I expect a penguin to fly if that’s not what God intended?  Am I asking too much from men in general?  I shall continue to study these beings and keep all things in prayer lol afterall, is anything too hard for God.  If anyone sees a penguin flying outside their window…..let me know! 🙂

February 19, 2010 Posted by | Life, Men | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Might be TMI

The acronym TMI means Too Much Information which I adamantly believe never applies to me because I don’t think any part of my life is TMI to tell someone about or that I feel someone can’t possibly relate to.  That being said, I wanted to write about my current feat against sex…ongoing uphill battle I tell ya!  I have been doing well and I am proud of me 🙂 there are some nights (it seems to only occur at night) when I literally feel like I’m fighting my carnal desires.  The good thing is that I know no guy within the city limits who I would want to or feel tempted to “try” so that’s a safe zone to reside in.  There is the guy from Indianapolis which I drool over but all my plans to go to Indy seem to fall during my monthly cycle…coincidence??  A prayer warrior told me that she was suffering from parts of her “former self” late at night too but Pastor told her it’s because that is the time when your old self wants to resurface and might feel strong enough to do so.  It makes sense.

A friend of mine did not find anything wrong with masturbating.  In my opinion, I think it’s cheating lol I know that sounds stupid but let me explain.  My goal is not just to wean myself from my desires but to also control my body instead of feeling like it controls me.  I don’t think sex is bad (although God does) but I did find it bad when it controled my emotions which I hate….being overly emotional about someone who, if I was cognitive, I’d probably bare only long enough to call my friend.  You see what I mean?  Now, I am not saying I shall remain celibate until marriage…that scares me because who’s to say I will ever re-marry?  But, I do need to break that vicious cycle I loved and hated simultaneously.  So, it’s like running to me….if I train myself to go without instead of substituting one vice for another, I’d be better off.  I do understand some can survive best with masturbation and I understand the reason why.  I just need to go cold turkey and see how far I get and use masturbation at the point where I’m pulling my hair out about to crazy….that phase right there which usually occurs between 2-4am.  Anywho, that was all I had to share for today.

February 15, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

Cougar & Rehab

Personally, I am sure I have other things I want to write about or probably need to write about but my mind can’t seem to focus on anything other than my withdrawal.  If I was, say a crack addict (although crack is wack), this would likely be my 5th time going through rehab….or, my 5th attempt at rehab.  I seem to think about nothing else and then my phone starts to talk to me at night while it sits on its charger next to my bed.  It says:

“you know you wanna call him. he will come running if you called him probably breaking his neck in the process. he only lives, what, 20 minutes away.  what’s the big deal?!  don’t fight it.  just let it happen.  it’s natural to feel this way.  you don’t have to like him, don’t have to call him again, and you sure don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do but I know you want to do this.”

When I swear my phone is talking to me then I think I need some drugs or something lol or maybe I was crazy from day one.  Anywho, I met this young cute guy yesterday.  I’d gone to Macy’s to pick up my mom’s perfume since she told me to go around Valentines Day to get some gift basket they have.  Well, there was no gift basket!  I found the cologne section and I started wandering aimlessly around the little counters tryna find the brand she wanted when I spotted this young Malcolm X look alike (complete with glasses minus the red hair) staring at me from afar.  I then directed my aimless wander towards his side of the counter when I heard him say “can I help you find something?”  This other lady asked me the same question but I ignored her and spoke to him, “yes, I need to find Hanae Mori”.  He walked towards me when the same lady asked, “perfume or cologne” and I wanted to tell her to go find a customer and stop blocking!  I replied this time turning to look at her to say “perfume” but then I looked back at Malcolm as he said, “perfume is right over here” so I followed him to the perfume dept.

We found the perfume, I couldn’t think of the name of the exact one so I called my mom who did not answer the phone but I clearly remembered the scent (this perfume smells like rubbing alcohol) so I told Malcolm I’d know it when I smell it.  Totally lacking perfume etiquette, I pulled back my sleeve exposing my wrist when he set the bottle on the counter but then I noticed those lil pieces of paper and laughed saying, “oh that would prb be better, huh?”  I sprayed that perfume 3 times because I kept missing the paper since I was so nervous and kinda not focused on what the hell I came into the store to do.  I frowned as soon as I caught a whiff of it knowing this was indeed the bottle of funk she wants.  Malcolm laughed at my face and said, “its a good thing you didn’t spray that on yourself”….yeah!  Basically, in a span of 20 mins, we laughed about perfume, how he could find any cute bags to put it in, was wrapping the bottles in tissue papers like this was his first day on the job, and I was quite comedic if I do say so myself keeping him laughing & easing the nervousness I felt.  Every time he smiled my mind said “awww” cause his smile was to die for.

While he mentioned the fact that he never wraps gifts for this reason right here, I asked his name.  He said Richard (I like Malcolm better).  I was gonna tell him my name but then I said to myself, “self, if he wants to know your name then he will ask.”  Sure enough, he said “what’s your name?” and while I did a mental high-five with myself I said “Denisha”.  So, I leave the store sad that he hadn’t asked for my phone number and made my way back to the train which will take me home.  Then myself said, “D, you ain’t gotta wait for him to ask you.  Seize the moment chick!” so I called Macy’s, went through the prompts till I was connected to the cologne dept, asked the lady who answered for Malcolm (formerly Richard), and I said “hi, this is Denisha. I forgot to ask you another question while I was there”.  I pause for him to register who I was and to give me the ok to ask my question.  He says, “oh yes”.  I ask, “are you single?”  He says, “yes” and again this is the moment I wait for him to ask if I am as well just as a car drives by really loud and I dang near lose my connection.  I say “hello” a good 50 times (not really) when I hear him say “did you hear me?” “Hear what?” “I asked if you were single too”  I smile and say “yes” with a little too much excitement.

We exchange phone numbers.  We text throughout the day while he’s at work for me to find out he is actually 23 yrs old and I am on my way to getting a cougar award.  I was shocked!  I knew he looked young but not that dang ole young.  I just thought he had good genes or something.  He is finishing his Bachelors degree in Business Finance at the same school my sister is attending downtown Chicago.  He has no kids and has never been married.  I immediately wanted to stop texting him back…what can I possibly do with him?!  He asked if his age was a problem.  He told me how he was a student at Arkansas Pine Bluff University when his mom got sick so he came back home to be with her.  She passed in Sept 2009 and he just continued working and stay home deciding to finish his education here. He seem cool but I know how some young guys are so I told him my age, about son #1, my marriage, son #2, then my divorce to try and get him to stop texting me but instead he replied “so you want to do something this Friday? See a movie or something?”  Huh?!  I let it ride.  He called when I got home from work and we talked til my eyes threatened to close on me so I said I had to go and he promised to call me today.  He’s a yr older than my baby sister and a yr younger than the next sister in line.  They think I’m crazy but I heard myself say, “D, just have fun and see what happens.  Afterall, you can’t have too many cute guys as friends now can you?”  I love myself…the girl speaks the truth at all times 🙂

February 10, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Let’s Talk for a minute…

My 4 yr old has eyes that sparkle like gems when he smiles.  Sometimes I think my own eyes are playing tricks on me but I swear when he’s really excited or giddy, he laughs this angelic sound and this eyes turn into a brilliant spectrum of white lights.  I can see happiness in his eyes and it makes me smile.  His smile is adorable.  His eyes squint really small reminiscent of his dad’s Cherokee blood. He melts my heart instantly.  I always wonder how he could be so cute.  My oldest has out grown his child-like cute phase and has now turned into an inquisitive annoyance that catches me off guard when I don’t answer his question literally or if I answer it in riddle form which only sets up another round of questions and I want to scream.  Not as annoying as I’d like to think but quite impressive because the boy can dissect through any and every thing.  He has big dark eyes which are alluringly sinister only because he hides behind this innocent look and people actually fall for it.  But not I!  I invented that look….who do you think he gets it from??

Then I wonder about the future, what will happen to me, what will happen to them, and what will happen to this world around me and I wish for a moment that I’d never had kids at all.  No one to make me feel the kind of pain that only a parent would feel.  When I added the tag widget to the left side of this blog, I had no idea I write about God so much.  I don’t question God but I do wonder why we are here just to die and suffer great pain at seeing our loved ones go.  It only dulls the pain a tad bit knowing I might see them again but who’s to say that’s true?  Faith only calms me for so long before I want someone from the other side to let me know if what I think awaits me is fact or fiction.  It’s Russian Roulette with my soul.  What if I make the wrong decision?  I remember that story in the Bible where a man died but he didn’t listen to all the prophets or whomever had come to warn him to live right and confess God as his Lord (I’m paraphrasing like I’ve never paraphrased).  When he died, he asked if he could go back and warn his loved ones but his request was denied because they should have their own chance to make their own decision as he had.  To heed the warnings or ignore them.  If I had known what I know now, I would not have reproduced & brought offspring into this world of mass confusion where no one knows anything but everyone swears they know everything. 

I whine about how unfair life is sometimes (tried to not end that sentence with a preposition which I do often).  Not about material things because I don’t really care too much about that stuff.  I complain about folks who find happiness by way of a intimate relationship with someone of the opposite (or same if that’s your preference) sex.  I thought I’d done everything as right as I could.  No, I didn’t wait til I was married to have sex but I did marry the first guy I had sex with.  Does that count for something?  Now, girls have sex tapes, sleep with football teams, and get trifling nicknames and here I am wondering what I’m doing wrong.  The world will lead me to believe I am too much on the straight and narrow so that’s my problem but, then again, I wouldn’t go the opposite way if given the choice because it’s not really me either.  I have no friends here.  I know a lot of people but not a single one I actually like.  Everyone is younger (my sisters), older (translation: boring), usually married (they bring their husbands everywhere), or too immature to enjoy the things I do.  Then I sit and wonder what it’s all for which leads to me thinking way too much so I put on my music to calm my brain down and I’m back to normal again.  Sometimes life can be boring.  I don’t want to work all the time.  I don’t want to sit in church all day.  I don’t want to sit in the house all week.  I don’t want to spend my free time with folks I can’t stand.  I don’t want to run myself to death (or to anorexia).  I don’t want to think about everything there is to think about.  I don’t want to so I wonder what is there left to do.  After all I’ve done throughout the week with the kids, work, running, and a little church sprinkled here and there…..what else is there left for me to do? (I am sure my grammer sucks!)

My point?  I have none.  I’ll grab something to snack on, register for my big race this year, talk to my bff from 2 states away, watch a movie, and then fall asleep just to do this all over again tomorrow.  One day, I need to find my calling because this existing to say I lived is not working for me anymore.  No, my calling is not in a church….that much I know for sure since no one can seem to keep me there long enough to hold down a position.  Usually when I think about God, unlike other topics in the world, the best way to handle it is to not think too much.  The simplest thought is sufficient.  You ever feel the need to pray?  I was about to do something (can’t say because it’s prb TMI) when I felt the need to pray.  I didn’t pray though.  I knew the insistence to pray was present for a reason but I didn’t.  I just sighed loudly and did not do what I was about to do.  You know what else I hate (well, I didn’t actually say I hate anything but ignore that part), I hate women who don’t act like women.  Maybe it’s because all the women I know are married or single Christian women having sex like it’s bread given away at the Last Supper or virgins who don’t know the uphill battle I face sometimes.  I wanna talk about masturbating but I heard that’s taboo because if I speak it then something blah blah blah but if I don’t speak it then I fake the funk like everyone else.  Maybe I can’t find folks like me because I don’t seem embarrassed about anything, ashamed about anything, or self-conscious about anything.  I am a tad bit too uninhibited to be a good little Christian girl but, for some reason, I am one.  How the hell did that shyt happen?!

February 8, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Besetting Sin

1236021854Just how personal can I get on a blog?  What is the line that you must never cross when it comes to your own business?  Well, we shall find out because, for some reason, I just do not care too much when it comes to being honest with myself about myself to others.  I have written a few blogs about sex as my way of talking about it instead of….well, read on.  The Prayer Ministry at my church have an assigned book discussion each month.  This month, or the last couple months, has been about fasting.  Fasting for spiritual breakthrough.  Fasting with prayer.  Fasting to break chains that oppress and bind us.  The last one is where this blog is leading to.  The book we are reading talks about fast and the different types of fasts and the purpose behind them.  There are two in particular that kinds sorta apply to me so I will briefing discuss both. 

One is the Disciple’s Fast which aims “To loose the bands of wickedness” (Isaiah 58:6) – freeing ourselves and others from addiction to sin esp those besetting sins.  “This kind goeth out not but by prayer and fasting” (Matt. 17:21 KJV).  The second one is the Elijah Fast which aims “To break every yoke” (Isaiah 58:6) – conquering the mental and emotional problems that would control our lives and returning the control to the Lord.  My besetting sin is sex.  I don’t think it has always been this way but, maybe since I was married or in that relationship most of my adulthood, I wouldn’t know.  I am writing this only because it frustrates me.  Most people enjoy sex whether they are married or not and I do too but, knowing I shouldn’t be doing it, haunts me.  Someone told me that I am hard on myself.  Is it me being hard on me?  Or is it me knowing I hate what I am doing?  I hate it.  I don’t hate sex but I hate that I allow my flesh to control me.  I am a control freak.  When I feel I have lost control of a situation then I freak.  How can my body control my mind?  It should be the other way around and, for the life of me, I can’t explain it to myself.

I try to tell myself that every one else does it too but that matters not to me.  I am not everyone else.  I have no desire to be everyone else.  I shall be set apart and I try to be by following God and His teaching but this is the one thing that keeps me from Him.  I don’t attend church often, I sometimes curse, I lose my temper once in a while, but all those things I can stop doing if I wanted to.  They are easy for me to stop.  Sex….it is my vice.  We all struggle with something.  But, have you ever had an addiction that really bothered you?  You know everyone else eats chocolate and probably too much but, you of all people, when you eat chocolate you have an innate sense of the wrong as you are doing it.  You discuss it with your mind.  Your mind discusses it with yourself.  You know you and you know your body.  Flesh is powerful.  My mind is not.  Not yet at least.  We openly talk about our drug addiction, our alcohol addiction, our spending addiction but, truth be told, in the ‘hood it’s like the same ole crap!  Who does not struggle with drugs, alcohol, and frivilous spending in the ‘hood?!  You can easily find someone who does but what about those who struggle with refraining from sex?  Preachers mention how you shoudn’t do it but how can I stop?  How did you do it?  What steps did you take?  Who helped you and don’t say Jesus or the Holy Spirit because, I need a human face just to tell myself I am not the only person on the face of this earth struggling with this.  Tell me you suffer this way too.  Tell me.s

Let’s get this straight….I am not promiscuous.  I have had sex with the same person for quite a while with two others sprinkled in there.  I choose to overlook the other two because they were drive-bys in my time of need when my “regular” was unavailable.  I tell myself that it’s only with one person consistently….no big deal.  That does not work or make me feel better.  I wonder why others can go on and not be bothered.  Why me?  Why can’t I do that?  I write this now because my Prayer Ministry did a fast for this week and I choose to do a partial fast which is skipping one meal.  I skipped lunch and it was then that this craving for sex came out of no where!  I was hungry, drinking  these dang liquids wasn’t working, and I wanted to get my hands on something to satisfy my flesh whether it was food or a man.  When I have gone months at a time with the goal of abstaining I consume chocolate and sweets like no body’s business.  I put on about ten pounds which is nothing if you start off at about 110lbs.  Once I fail that and give in to sex I stop eating chocolate but I am still satisfying my flesh with another sin.  Often times than not I wish I knew someone like me who was going through something similar just so I could have someone to relate to.  I don’t want another, “girl I been there done that but I love sex!”  No, I wanna stop and I need to stop because I want and need to defeat my flesh.  If not sex then it will be something else.  Sex is just so easy for me to get.  Guys don’t turn me down.  I thought maybe if I was fat and ugly but I doubt it then even.  There is no one.  I keep it to myself.  When I say I am ashamed no one takes me seriously.  It hurts me.  I am not like others.  I can’t just have sex and not feel wrong.  Now, I feel good at the time but that lasts only so long.  I am getting no where right now and, if I was to tell someone at church since church is supposed to be a hospital, they will laugh or think I am kidding.  Young petite intelligent physically attractive lady who suffers from not being able to control her carnal urges.  Every man’s dream but I am not crying because of man.  I cry because I feel filthy before God.  I separate myself from Him because I don’t know what to do.  Prayer has not been strong enough….or I am doing something wrong….maybe I do need to add fasting to the equation.

I feel good when I have gone months without.  I feel powerful and strong.  I under-estimate my appetite though because I put myself right back into situations I do not need to be in.  Even with my regular as much as he respects and loves me (don’t laugh here….I actually mean that) there is this connection that exists which is the reason he is my “regular”.  He is not my “best” I have ever had but the connection I havr to him is something I can never explain or make sense of.  Anywho, I am constantly reminded of Romans 12:1.-2 which says we should present our bodies as a living sacrifice before God which is our reasonable service.  I can sacrifice myself all day but, unless I change something that has not worked before, I will end up right back here complaining about the same thing.  I was told that there is strength in admitting you have a problem or are suffering from something.  Well, right now I don’t feel strong at all so I guess I will discuss more later as I take this journey to, once again, try to keep myself from myself.  That is the thing…I try to do it alone and pray but, until now, it has been pointless.  I like to think this bothers me so because He wants to teach, train, and chasten me to be stronger than what man thinks is such great strength in me.  “Blessed is the man whom thou chastenest, O Lord, and teachest him out of thy law” (Psalms 94:12 KJV) More to come later and, to my “regular” (because I know you are reading this), no offense but this is why I said we gotta stop.

April 6, 2009 Posted by | God, sex, Spiritual | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It was all a dream

…I used to read Word Up magazine. Salt ‘n Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine!  Ok, nothing to do with the topic for today so excuse while I vibe to Biggie for a sec.  Ok, I have had these two dreams for the last two nights.  I will tell you what the dreams were about and then explain how I feel about these dreams.

42-15473070Dream I:  took place Sunday night.  In the dream I was with my “regular” somewhere out with his family.  I don’t think it was a public place though.  Somewhere private like someone’s house, someone’s barbecue, or even a park.  I don’t remember any faces but I know this was his family because I remember him telling me they are his family.  So, in the dream right where we were, he proposes to me.  The weird thing is that I don’t remember how he proposed but I know he did and I said “yes”.  There were no details in this dream at all as if my mind had to hone in and focus on what was important….his question and my answer.  End of dream.

Dream II:  took place in a bedroom.  It wasn’t my “regular’s” bedroom and it wasn’t my own bedroom.  It looked small and quaint like a dorm room of a college student.  Well, this dream is pretty embarrassing but, after all I have posted there is no need to have shame now.  We were making out.  Ya know, kissing and stuff and I noticed a camera set up in the room.  I don’t know if he had his clothes off but I was in the process of taking mine off.  I had taken off my jeans when he started to kiss my bikini area and he said, “you have naps.”  Ok, this is where the embarrassment starts.  I can’t believe how embarrassed I was in my dream as if this was actually happening or had happened but I really was ashamed!  Then he says, “I remember you told me your razor had broken so I understand.”  So, since he understood, I went in for another kiss but he stopped me and said, “let’s go get you a razor.”  Ummmm ok.  End of dream.

How do I feel?  I feel like this is confusing and crazy.  My regular is like allergic to milk so for him to ask me to share his milkshake is like, “come again? do you realize and understand what you are asking me? why are you even drinking a milkshake? I thought it makes you break out in hives or something?”  I know in my dream I said “yes” but, in my mind, I’m skeptical of who is asking me.  Maybe it was someone else wearing a “regular” mask.  Or, maybe my “regular” was intoxicated in the presence of his family in this peaceful and private setting.  Yeah, I was reaching right now but it’s such a extreme that I gotta find an explanation for it.  There weren’t many details in the first dream to elaborate on how I feel so let’s go right into dream #2.   Dream II was weird as hell!  First off, afterwards, I questioned why I didn’t get pissed at the fact that he had a camera set-up and didn’t tell me I had to see it myself.  But, after realizing I hadn’t gotten upset it kinda turned me on….she’s a very freaky girl!  The whole “naps” comment was soooooo wrong that I don’t think I need to explain how that made me feel.  However, my embarrassment and shame subsided when I saw how he handled the situation.  Now, to flip the script, he could be all about his own enjoyment and not wanting to deal with a forest but he still wasn’t disrespectful about it.  Also, Sunday I had gotten the news that my bff was getting married so that could have played on my psyche.  I didn’t hear anything related to dream II so I don’t know where they could have come from.  I didn’t expect to have back-to-back dreams much less about two completely unrelated events.  I expected the first dream to continue so I will know who was there from his family, where we were, and what the hell happened after I said “yes”.  But nooooooo, fast forward (or rewind) to the sex scene…..great. 

I told my “regular” about both dreams.  He even got upset with me because, when I told him about dream #1 I didn’t reveal the proposal part because I didn’t want to in ANY way make it seem like I wanted a sip of his chocolate milkshake.  I didn’t want to paint that picture at all.  I didn’t want to bring up any hurt feelings or past situations.  You don’t like milk.  We ain’t gotta have milk.  Let’s be straight up ‘hood and eat our cereal with water.  So, when I didn’t want to reveal the proposal part he said that I should speak on it since it involves him in some way.  After I did reveal the rest of my “f’in dream” (I was pissed at his response) he said I may never know how it may knowingly or unknowingly be a help to someone or him to hear that.  He even told me to continue the dream.  Huh?!  Hold up! Time out!  Review the play!  You want me to add more milk to your shake?  You wanna know just how milky this can get?  You want to?  Ok.  I will see where it takes me.  I am hesitant as hell because in dream II I was told I was about to start a forest fire and humiliated but….I’m a good sport….I am placing my hand in God’s (I pray it’s Him) and going along for the ride.  Does that erase my skepticism?  Heck naw…that is here to stay.

March 24, 2009 Posted by | Love, Me, Spiritual | , , , | Leave a comment

Whaddya Know!

smills1This weekend was simply fantastic and tiring! I had a Prayer Breakfast at the church where I expected to do nothing but observe and eat. Instead, I ended up helping with a few things from start to finish. You know what I realized? When you miss 3 or 4 Sundays of church people actually notice. So many people came up to me Saturday asking me where I’d been most of them older and here I am speechless wondering “why do you care?!” but amazed that they did. I guess you hear this all the time but it rings true for me too….I rarely find another who genuinely cares about me. Any who, I left the church after the “kitchen crew” released me and went home. I was on my way home with the boys when my sitter called and picked us up. She was supposed to get the boys after her dentist appt so I could go to my soror’s bridal/bachelorette party. Well, I sat down and started eating cereal (I loves cereal esp Frosted Flakes) when I looked at the clock and realized I had an hour and a half before it was to start. So, I got up and got ready, touched up my hair, found something decent to wear, and grabbed her gift and left. I was taking the Blue Line when the CTA guy told me, “you know what? You look just like Stephanie Mills!” I replied, “Who is that?!” to gauge whether that was an insult or compliment…..he said she is an ole skool R&B singer….I guess.

So I make it to the party and PARTY it was! Can’t go into detail….woman code of honor…but, I swear I ate and drank till I couldn’t anymore! I danced….talked to these women like we’d known each other for years….and left after about 5 straight hours of kickin it with the best single women ever! I took off my 4 inch heels and put my flats back on and was out! Got home, boys came home, put them to bed, I went to bed…..day II. I was supposed to go to the 8am service but my eyes refused to open up and, when they did, the left one told the right one “this trick is crazy if she think I’ma wake up this early!” So….I slept through till the 11am service. Funny thing happened, the speaker from the Prayer Breakfast was sitting in the pulpit so I’m thinking to myself…interesting….and that was all the thought I gave it. Come to find out (from the black church grapevine) she has been attending the church for the last 4 weeks….probably when I took my mini sabbatical.

Wanna hear something weird? When I initially left my church after a little (major) episode with key players…..I was encouraged to at least seek out another church home instead of saying at home Sunday after Sunday. I thought about the minister who spoke for our Prayer Breakfast but I didn’t know her name or the name of her church. I was going to ask someone from my church but what was I gonna say? “Do you know that female minister who our church fellowships with regularly?”….yea, I prb would’ve gotten no answer at all. But, the point is, I wanted to go there for a while and just be near her but I didn’t because I didn’t know how to find her. Well, I guess she found her way to my church eventually. I don’t know what it is with female ministers….they represent a strength and perseverance that I need to see. I wrote a blog about my struggles with sex called Besetting Sin that kinda tells where my own issue lies. I call it a vice but someone told me that a vice is something that we can’t control and it keeps coming back. Well, that is my vice. I know my female minister currently at the church has admitted she has struggled with cursing and fornicating years ago….now she is fine and straight or clean….but, how do you get there? Someone even argued that I should stay away from a certain person….newsflash, you aren’t the only man in the world….if it was that easy then I wouldn’t be writing this at all.

Wanna know what I want? A singles ministry. I don’t wanna talk about stupid stuff and I don’t wanna go on stupid trips….hell, I barely like the females in the church who are my age so let’s scratch that idea. How about I just keep to myself….I got enough issues as it is. Oh….one last thing….my best friend is getting MARRIED!!! Thanks for telling me….FINALLY! And, I promise not to beat you up….as hilarious as that sounds….me bust a grape in a fruit fight?! Yea riiiiiight!

March 23, 2009 Posted by | Life, Me, Spiritual | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Vibrators

panties1I swear I am not having a moment….I am just in that phase where I need to stop thinking and give my head a rest so, in the meantime, I write about crap.  My mindless crap is probably more interesting than my other stuff but, hey, my mind will be back pretty soon so enjoy this while it lasts.  I wrote this blog about vibrators and one of my guy friends read it and disagreed with my notion on vibrators in general.  I have never used a vibrator but I was told from guys who have been with women who have that it stretches their vaginal walls to the point that there is hardly any firmness as before.  Lose your walls and you lose a lot….keep doing those Kegel exercises!  But, on the other hand, how often are you using this vibrator?  I thought it was supposed to be an addition or part-time replacement to your real thing you got at home. 

Back to my guy friend, he disagrees that it doesn’t stretch your vaginal walls that much.  How would you know?  Did you do a sexual survey testing a decent amount of women’s vaginal firmness before and after several uses with a vibrator?  Of course he didn’t so he has no scientific or medical basis.  He was surprised I have never used one….I don’t know why like it’s an initiation process I missed because I overslept or something.  Look at a vibrator.  It’s a hugely over-sized plastic-like pickle with all these extra additions and attachments that vibrator, swivel, and light up.  How is that appealing?  That is scary as hell to me.  I saw one that was a three-in-one….it tackled the anus, vagina, and clit all at the same time.  Wow.  Umm, didn’t think I needed that much stimulation.  Is there such a thing as being over-stimulated?  I can see how it may stretch your walls as massively wide and long as some vibrators are AND, if it takes care of every sensual area down there, what the hell would you need your man for?!  Some things become obsolete quickly….to some.

So, it was suggested that I try the bullet vibrator since I like my walls….actually, I love my walls.  I have the best damn walls EVER!  I can go months without sex (pretty pathetic or fantastic depending on who you talk to) and feel like a virgin all over again.  To retain my “tightness” he suggested the bullet which is supposed to be external stimulation.  Ok, my initial honest thought was this….why do I have to pay for something that guys are willing to do for free?  Some guys don’t care about actual intercourse…they just wanna go down there and work that tongue out on you.  Some do the oral just to get you in the mood for the intercourse so, again, why spend money?  And I need the bullet why?  I understand the reasoning behind it….I do.  I get the purpose of the bullet although using it while at work and out and about is sooooo not the biz!  You walking around in a happy mood smiling for no reason at all….hmm, maybe that’s not a bad idea.  I am just trying to be cost efficient and use my resources.  Get the most bang for your buck….lol.

At this point, I am not married…have never tried sex toys….and would very much like to leave that department alone until I walk down that aisle again so me and the hubby can do that together.  It’s a lot of random stuff to do with someone you kinda sorta like or someone who kinda sorta likes you.  Some sex toys are simply freakish looking but, at the same time, thinking about a certain someone with whom I feel quite comfortable with…..I’d damn near try anything.  And that’s all I have on vibrators for now.  I tried to find a decent looking vibrator picture but they all looked really grotesque so imagine the chick above is pulling down her panties to insert a vibrator not shown…use your imagination.

March 7, 2009 Posted by | sex | , , , , | Leave a comment