32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Pray For Me Too

Today is the 2nd Saturday of the month which means it’s Prayer Ministry time.  Meeting is from 8-945a…I got there about 815a.  I have missed the last 3 weeks of any & everything church related partly because I’ve been out of town so, when I walked in, I could tell some people were surprised.  I sat down and looked over the agenda to see what we’d be discussing today.  Our book of the month is Spiritual Warfare.  Honestly, this has been the book-of-the-month for the past few months.  Why?  Because no one has read it and because Mama Allen refuses to go on ahead without knowing most of the Prayer Warriors gained something from the book.  The point of this post is to highlight my own shortcomings, the time I was downright rude during the meeting, and the time I talked to Mama Allen about my own concerns with the ministry. 

We have a facilitator for the book who has been absent from the ministry most of this past year while she battled cancer so it was good to have her back.  She opened the discussion and a couple women shared their opinions on the book, what they got from the book, and how it somehow pertained to their personal lives.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!  What the discussion is supposed to do is get everyone talking about key aspects of the book highlighting some line or passage from the book that they liked.  That did not happen too much today.  I won’t say it didn’t happen but I will say it didn’t happen as intended.  One lady (who we all know you can’t pay her to shut up) started talking about something in right field.  Then another lady (who should honestly never speak publicly) started talking about something in left field.  By this point, I was highly irritated because, yet again, we were off topic, not discussing the actual book, and we were going to add yet another month to this already old book!  When the lady talking about left field started to recap a story involving her friends’ house, casting out demons in this house, how she went and bought a bottle of oil to anoint the house, and how she went from room to room speaking the word of God and pleading the blood of Jesus….I was past pissed.

Maybe it’s just me but some people want so badly to be used by God for all the wrong reasons.  She has no anointing.  I will venture out there to say that.  Everyone kept saying how real and serious Satan and his demons are.  How you shouldn’t play with casting out demons because they will surely find a home in you if they know you are just faking the funk pretending to be anointed and all that oil in your hand is good for frying some chicken only!  Yet and still, they say this and people will take up a good 15 minutes recapping their stories.  It’s cool if you wanna take that risk but not during the time when we are supposed to be discussing the book.  So, since I’m used to people at this church constantly muttering under their breathes “I wish she will sit down” or “here she go again” I raised my hand and the lady stopped talking probably assuming I had something to add to the story but, instead, I pointed to the facilitator and said “you can go on to the next chapter”.  You should have seen her face!  She looked like she wanted to say, “how dare you b*tch” but I held my ground cause I was serious….move on!!  Mama Allen starting talking, this chick gave me one of those looks, I leaned forward about to tell her what part of my anatomy she can kiss, but instead I got up and walked out.  I was feeling frustrated all over again.  The ministry is not meeting my expectations nor is it meeting Mama Allen’s expectations given to her by the Holy Spirit. 

Mama Allen called me later during the day and I told her I did feel irritated, I’m tired of waiting until someone decides to do the work needed of Prayer Warriors, I’m tired them wanting the entire church to know they’re Prayer Warriors but not do the work to build the foundation, and I’m tired of feeling stagnant.  My shortcoming?  I felt arrogant during that moment in the meeting before I raised my hand.  This lady said “and I dos it” instead of “I did it” and it was all downhill from there.  In my head, I started to have arrogant thoughts such as “I’ve read all the books and memorized the scriptures so I should be on an accelerated track” or “this lady can’t even speak properly but she’s casting out demons?!” or “these people are holding me back” or “I refuse to call grown women to make sure they have read their books”.  When I walked out, I felt guilt at my thoughts, irritation, and the sad realization that some people need someone to hold their hand in this.  I admit I am not that person.  I am hands off.  Either you work for it or you won’t.  I am not a teacher & I am not a coach because I am the best student/athlete you can find.  I don’t give up.  I don’t whine the whole way.  If I know I can’t then I bow out but not before giving it my all.  I lack patience for people who complain more than they try.  Mama Allen has bust her skinny azz tryna put shyt together for this dang ministry so it pisses me off when some grown azz woman says “I ain’t got time to be reading all these books!”  Do they say that to Mama Allen?  No, they’s bytches.  I hear them say this shyt all the time and they say it to me or when I am standing right there basically not caring how time and effort Mama Allen has invested so it does piss me off and I wish they’d just bow the phuck out.  I told Mama Allen on the phone that the meetings aren’t timely and people talk too freakin much.  How can we move on?!

In the end, I don’t know what I wanna do.  I stepped outside to gain my composure, the Pastor walked in with a deacon and didn’t look at me just muttered a “hello” as if it was required, and I just about screamed.  Why am I even here?!  Why?  My mood is ten times worse from being here for just 2 hours.  Maybe it is Satan up to no good.  Maybe it is a spirit of discord and division.  Maybe it is but I know I want to learn more and I should have learned more but the ministry is not where I would have hoped it would be.  Mama Allen mentioned a “what if” situation that involved her leaving the church or letting the ministry go in the hands of the current leaders….I’d surely leave it as well.  It prb won’t die but it will be on life support for awhile.  I cursed.  I yelled.  I stomped my feet.  I grabbed my coat and left as soon as I could.  I ran from the church and doubt I’d be there tomorrow morning.  If this is Satan’s way of keeping me at bay then it must be cleverly disguised because all I can think about is the mess called organized religion and the Christians who resemble Satanists if anything.  Strong words to type but imagine the way I feel to even type that and stand behind it.  Pray for me too.

February 13, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Ignorant Bliss

Here_by_GingerRoseI went school shopping this weekend and one thing led to another, something was said, then it got me to thinking, and I ended up here…..maybe ignorance is bliss.  My oldest struggles with math.  Trust me, it irritates me to no end because my insides want to scream when I try to explain something that is so basic it should require no explaining.  It just is.  Get it.  Grasp it.  Understand it.  His problem?  He works through the problems too fast and he miscounts in this hurry to get homework over with.  Not a big issue when I look at the overall picture though.  My baby sister is moving out south.  Yes, she’s breaking the code of honor which clearly states that no Chi Westsider shall EVER permanently dwell on the southside….we are calling a meeting to revoke her Westside card.  Anywho, she mentioned that she will have the kids for a weekend prb every so often and take them to DuSable Museum since it’s close to her new apartment.  For those that don’t know, DuSable Museum is dedicated to African-American history.  I have never been to the museum unless I was so young I don’t remember but I assume it covers our history from slavery til now with the Obama era.  I don’t want my kids to go but I didn’t know how to tell my sis that because I barely understood the reason myself.  I have my reason and I will try to explain it here.

My theory is this: if someone does not know there is a force out there, rather major or minor, then they can never accuse that force or be victim to that force they don’t know exists.  Right?  If I never knew the sun radiated heat could I blame it for making me hot?  I’d blame other factors such as too many people in this room generating body heat, my wearing too many clothes, the earth’s core heating too fast or too much, or whatever else since the sun is not a possible factor because all I know is that it gives light.  If my kids never know about racism and this “blame the white man syndrome” then maybe they will never blame their failures on the “white man” or use racism (whether evidenced or not) for a reason why they are not prosperous in life.  I understand the notion of knowing where you came to know where you are to go or how ever it’s said, but I believe black men have a crutch sometimes esp when it comes to blaming others for their mishaps.  Racism exists.  Does it have power over us?  The difference here lies in one’s faith too.  Some argue that ignorance is not bliss but can do more damage than good.  God never told Adam & Eve they were naked.  He specifically told them not to eat from the tree that would make them aware of their situation knowing it will cause them unnecessary worry and place more on them than they needed since He was in control of everything and once they knew too much they would forget He was in control and start acting plum fools….exhibit A is found in Genesis.  I don’t know all the details and scientific, biblical, and other facts found in some big million page book…..all I know is this supports my theory.  God knew their ignorance would be a protection for them instead of a crutch.  They didn’t even know who Satan was and, to have explained that to Adam & Eve, would have opened a can of worms too.  All he said was don’t eat from that tree. 

Back to the sun notion, if we never knew Satan existed would we blame him still for everything?  Get thee behind me Satan.  I send Satan back to hell from whence he come.  I curse Satan at his roots and all his angels.  Satan is the cause for this.  Satan has stirred this up.  Satan is the reason for my pain, my hurt, my dispair, my everything I struggle with….blame it on Satan.  What if we didn’t know Satan existed?  If all we knew was God and good?  Well, for starters, we wouldn’t be living with the Eve curse but….besides that….a lot would be different.  The way we think.  The way we process things.  The way we live.  We’d trust God more because we’d know no one else exists to yank our chains and confuse us.  We’d probably be more obedient because there is no scapegoat to blame our sins on…I have done this many times.  “Naw, it was Satan who made me do it.  He know I have a weakness for tall dark brothas and here this fool come walking up to me looking all good and smelling so right!  Satan put those thoughts in my head, he made me feel those desires, and that’s how it happened.  No fault of my own!”  If I didn’t know about Satan I’d probably think I need more discipline, I am weak, I need to get closer to God, not put myself in situations & places that are tempting, I need to pray more, I need to study the Bible more, I need to put on my armor, etc……”I” and God.  Of course the only counter argument here (know where & what the holes are in your argument) is Job.  He knew that Satan exists along with his schemes but Job was a smart man who still trusted God.  Not a single person from his clique blamed Satan, they blamed God because they all knew Satan can’t do shyt without God’s ok.

Someone may argue that my sons must know about racism so they can prepare for the real world when they enter it.  I know that part and I understand it but I don’t agree with it totally.  I agree that we all need to know what we’re getting into before we get somewhere so we know how to navigate but part of the problem is we think too much.  Yes, I just typed that…ring the alarm.  We think too much.  We try to process things on our own.  When we gain knowledge we forget about pertinent things such as Satan has rights and does nothing without God’s permission, we don’t need to fear racism or the alleged power of the “white man”, circumstances and shyt happens for a reason and no one knows that reason but God, and in the beginning He was all they needed so in the end He’s all we need.  A small (understatement) part of the reason is because I don’t know how to explain the “why” questions that may come from my oldest.  My youngest will likely look and not understand but he may carry a mental image of something I don’t want him to see.  My oldest will ask questions, interrogate, analyze, and question my “mom” answer until he is satisfied.  If I say this happened because they hated us then he will think “they” still do hate us which is not the focus when the focus should be “so what!”  The fear of lynchings, bombings, police dogs, fire hoses, draggings, rapes, auctions, beatings, mutilations, and now the current issues with our people such as complexion hatred or jealousy, good & bad hair, talking white, acting white, Bill Cosby alliance, and uppity Uncle Tom Negros….it’s too much and I don’t know when they will be ready to know all this.  Maybe when they start dating lil fast chicks at age 30….then they will be ready.  Until then, don’t eat from that freakin tree….God said so.  Not really a lie. (White girl in pic has no hidden meaning. I didn’t put her there….Satan did)

August 24, 2009 Posted by | Life, Spiritual | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Dear God

writing3Father,

 

I am trying to be strong….in the face of fear and I mean this literally, I am trying to be strong.  I try to do what I think you would want me to do but I don’t see anything improving….I guess an improvement to me would be its exit from my life but that has yet to happen.  Why?  I asked to you take it away but it is still here.  I asked you in tears and it is still here.  I asked you sincerely and it is still here.  Am I breaking?  No.  Is my faith wavering?  No.  I know too much and have too many great examples to know better.  I know who did wrong, who did well, and why you thought they had done well.  But why me?  You remember Job?  He was a righteous man….upright….God fearing.  You said that about him to Satan.  You remember?  That is not me.  Righteous?  Upright?  By nature because humans walk on their hind legs but upright in a biblical or moral sense?  God-fearing?  What does that even mean?  Did Satan ask you about me?  You remember he asked about Job?  Tell that muthafreak to keep my name out his mouth!  I didn’t curse….wanted to but I didn’t….he always starting ‘ish!  Or did you do this?  God?

 

I do not hate you.  I prayed to you.  I talked to you.  I outright pleaded with you.  Nothing.  Part of me wants to be upset.  Part of me wants to think you don’t hear me.  Part of me wants to think you have left me.  Part of want to think you despise me.  Part of me wants to think you are laughing at me.  Part of me….  Because I can’t sleep!  I sleep but a full night’s rest?  I forgot what that is like!  I wanna cut my own ears off.  I wanna poke my own eyes out.  I wanna turn off all of my sensory abilities.  I wanna dig a hole and crawl in and never come back out.  I have no peace I my own home!  I can’t relax in my own home!  I can’t exhale when I get home from a day at work!  I miss my home.  I miss my sanity.  I miss my boring uneventful regularly routine life. 

 

It is starting isn’t it?  My thoughts….when I feel them I try to re-direct them.  Instruct them to go away.  Sometimes I feel like I am not me anymore.  I am strong but only as strong as you are.  I am wise but only as wise as you have made me.  I am equipped but only as equipped as I know you can make me.  So why now?  Why this?  Why me?  Why?  While we are taking about unanswered prayers how about an answered one….I asked you to take something away and you didn’t.  I did the same thing I did before that I am doing now but for a completely different.  I asked for a sign that this is where I need to be…that sign being a text message with a scripture….I got that.  Fast forward, I asked for another sign from you (suddenly I felt like Mz. Gideon over here) but this time I said a scripture in any form of communication….I got that too. 

 

So, you see, I know you hear me….I know you do.  I won’t cry….that much.  I won’t worry….at all.  I won’t be afraid….entirely.  I will wait for you….yes, my of little patience….I have no choice but to wait.  Well, I do have a choice but I think if this is really a test I will surely fail with flying colors and that is something I do not want to do.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will recite my scriptures so that it and you can hear me.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will sing to you for it can hear me too.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will talk to you and let it hear and see me talking to you.  All I ask is that, tonight and each night thereafter, you send the Comforter to me so I don’t feel as alone as I do sometimes. 

 

XOXO,

Me

 

January 29, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Visitor

  opendoor1

Satan stopped by to see me
He reminded me
He angered me
He irritated me
He got to me
I relived it
But I did not cry
I replayed it
But I did not write
I remembered it
But I did not fret

God stopped by to see me
He encouraged me
He motivated me
He inspired me
He held on to me
I relived it
And I did cry
I replayed it
And I did write
I remembered it
And I did fret

Satan stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So remain where I am

God stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So I must not remain where I am

Satan stopped by to see me
He pointed out all their flaws
He built my wall of distrust
With a foundation of anger
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where I was

God stopped by to see me
He pointed out all my flaws
He took a hammer to my walls
And a jackknife to my foundation
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where He was

Satan stopped by to see me
We laughed
We partied
We drank
We danced
He made me forget my pain
He taught me to live again

God stopped by to see me
We read
We talked
We sung
We danced
He made me acknowledge my pain
He showed me how to live again

Satan stopped by to see me
But God was still here
S told me to come out and play
G said I was busy today
S reminded me of that party
G told me I would be sorry
I turned to God in anger
And hit Him with my fist
You put me in this mess
Now you ask that I stay?!
God let me hit and He never moved
God let me vent and He never moved
God let me cry and He never moved
God let me tire and He never moved

Satan stood there laughing
Satan stood there watching
Satan stood there helping me
Punch God a little bit harder
God asked why I hit Him
Because you let them hit me
God asked why I yell at Him
Because you let them yell at me
God asked why I hurt Him
Because you let them hurt me
God asked why I had left Him
Because you let them leave me

God stepped closer to me
Then Satan stepped closer
Now they have hit you
Now they have yelled at you
Now they have hurt you
Now they have left you
Now…love them
I stepped back in shock
And fell right into Satan
Love them?!
Why me and not them?
Satan leans over near my ear
And whispers that God is crazy
That He has finally lost His mind
God snatches Satan from the room
And throws him from my mind

She told you what to do
But you decided to ignore her
She told you about the Fruit
Yet still you ignored her
Now I am standing here
Speaking to you myself
Take your mind off them
And quit focusing on “I”

God took my hand
And looked me in the eye
He said I know you hurt
I have seen when you have cried
I was there when you were alone
I told my angels to call your phone
But I knew their words didn’t matter
And neither did her many
I knew exactly what you needed
And it wasn’t even my presence
So I told you to go
When you really wanted to stay
I told you to stand
When you really wanted to sit
When you stood there in front
And you meet his eyes
And he held your hand
It was not just he
but it was also I
He looked you in your eyes
And welcomed you back home
And from then it no longer mattered
This little episode over a stupid phone
Like he said those were my footprints
You saw in the sand
I never once left you darling
I was always here holding your hand
Every tear that fell from your eyes
I caught each one in my hand
All the pain you felt inside
I took it and buried it in the sand

This type of love I am teaching you
Is nothing like the world demands
It requires every ounce of your strength
To love your foes as you do your friends
When you walked up there on your own
It really made me smile
A child may leave their father
But a Father never leaves His child
Satan stopped by to see me
I stopped by to see God

January 27, 2009 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment