32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Religious Differences

I have a story and it goes a little something like this: I met this guy.  Cute guy.  Older guy.  Educated guy.  Witty guy.  Funny guy.  A decent guy.  I was intrigued by this guy and wanted to know more about this here guy but was shocked when this same guy told me how beautiful I am but we would never work because of one small issue but good luck in finding my right guy.  Come again?!  So, I asked him if he would be so kind as to tell me what this small issue might be.  Is it because I have kids and he does not?  Is it because I am slim and he might like them thick?  Is it because I’m short and he might desire a tall one?  He tells me our religious differences will make this impossible to pursue since I believe in Jesus and he does not.  “Polar opposites” was his exact wording.  He even added, to show he has either tried in the past or is great at making assumptions, that Christian women do not want to be with him but good luck on my ventures to which I hesitantly replied, “Likewise”.  End of conversation.

Never have I thought about religious difference because, truth be told, I am not a devout Christian.  I follow the principles and commandments I want to or feel I can follow.  Everything else I store in the “Grace” file cabinet knowingly until that “feel” part of me changes.  I usually look for the same attributes in guys that I never ask about their religious or spiritual beliefs.  Does it make that much difference?  I know the Bible says Christians should not be “equally yoked” and I have had that line explained to me to the point of exhaustion but I do not pay it any attention.  Maybe I am just completely defiant.  Maybe I am just completely free-spirited.  Maybe I do not like restrictions.  Maybe I do not like to place my opportunities in a box.  Or, maybe I like to think our differences are not to our detriment.  Why can’t our differences be a positive?

He never said what his religious beliefs are but I did make my Christianity known like I made it known that I’m 30 years old and I like chocolate – nonchalantly.  Then there was the question of how “serious” I am about my faith.  All things aside, I truly believe I am shit up a creek if I denounce my faith because I truly believe this is the only path to salvation – for me.  For me, I am serious in where I stand and on what I stand.  For him, I am sure he feels the same about his faith.  So, what if I dated a non-Jesus follower?  Would I spend every Christmas without him or would I even be allowed to celebrate Christmas in our home?  Would our children automatically follow his religion, my religion, or would the option to teach them both sides allowing them to choose as adults be on the table?  Do I pray over meals when he is not around or am I offending him?  Is the very presence of my Bible an insult to him or would his book (if there is one) insult me?  Would it be that bad?

I have always dated Christian men.  Right, I did date a Muslim guy once who knew I was a Christian.  I knew when he went to his temple or synagogue (I am really not sure what it is called) for prayer.  I knew when he fasted.  I knew what he did and did not eat.  And I knew how he felt about Jesus – trust me, he made it clear and often depending on his mood.  But, never once did I do the same.  Chalk it up to naivety, but I did not out of respect for his decision to choose and my decision to respect that decision whether I agreed or not.  It is not my salvation.  Sounds selfish but that is why the world is in turmoil right now – this idea that one group must “save” the other when the other clearly does not want the others’ savior.  At what point do you say “fuck this shit” at evangelism for Christians?  At what point do you choose peace over highlighting who may or may not be right?  At what point do you opt for civil humanity and trying to survive this life together while we are still alive?  At what point does religion not mean anything?  At what point do we let peace, humanity, respect, and freedom reign?  At what point do we decide to peacefully co-exist or decide to segregate ourselves into “them” and “us”?  At what point does the blatant disgust no matter how rude and insensitive boil over and kill us all in a game I like to call “My religion is Right and I Will Prove, where’s My Bomb?”

Love is absent and love suffers.  Not just the kind between a man and a woman on an intimate level but the kind between human beings.  I am disgusted that my religious beliefs were an automatic disqualification for a date when, prior to learning about my faith, I was a dream come true (in my own words lol).  I thought about retracting what I said even stating that my faith was mutable but who am I fooling?  This world is a messed up place and I am disgusted every single day that religion gets in the way.  In the past, it was race.  What will it be in the future?

October 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Flatline

I never thought I, of all people, could kill love.  Never knew it would be my hands with its blood on them.  It started out such a beautiful summer day complete with sunshine, birds singing, and a sweet breeze that teased my skin.  By the end of the day, I was watching my love flatline before my eyes. 

My fault. 
All my fault. 

The hurt in his eyes.  The glisten of wetness reflecting off his pupils.  I looked into them and saw my reflection only. 

All because of me. 

He walks toward the door.  I jump up and run after him grabbing his arm to turn his body towards me while slamming the door closed again.  Wrong I am but determined not to let him walk away from me.  Justified he is but fighting to the wire is how I want to go.  He looks into my pleading eyes but quickly looks away.  The hurt I see kills me.  What can I say?  How can I make this right? 

I begin to speak. 
To explain. 
To apologize. 
To promise. 

Never again will this happen.  Never ever again, I promise. His face is frozen in hurt with hurt.  My words are not registering.  His mind is absorbed in my crime.  His ears refuse to hear my defense.  The jury is settled on a “guilty” verdict. 

Fear grabs me. 
“Do something!”
I yell at myself
“Think woman think!”
Panic

I take his hands in mine.  He snatches them away.  My fear intensifies as I hear us flatlining.  My heart races as I suddenly hear the steady hum of his. 

Void of life. 
Void of love.  
For me. 

“Please!” leaves my lips.  He continues to look away.  I grab his hands again and wrap them around my waist.   He stands there stoic but his hands remain where I place them.  I wrap my arms around his neck.  Then drop my hands to his chin.  I turn his face to look at me.  Only for a few seconds before he looks elsewhere.  He refuses to look at me.  Refuses to hear me.  Refuses, until now, to even touch me. 

I kiss his lips. 
No reaction. 
My eyes tear up.  

“Keep trying!” I tell myself.  I kiss his lips again.  He turns his face from me.  Tears escape me.  I hold his chin between my hands and kiss again.  His lips remain frozen. 

“You love me!”
I tell him. 
“He loves me”
I remind myself. 

I start to shake him.  I hit his chest and yell it again, “you love me!”  Tears run down my face now. 

“Try again dammit!”
I yell to myself. 

I kiss him again.  No life. 
Kiss again.  No love. 

My chest burdens from crying.  His hands drop from my waist. 

I am losing him. 

I kiss again holding my lips there longer.  Then again.  And again. Again.  Then I feel a pucker.  A loud beep.  I gasped loudly with hope.  I keep my eyes closed.  No false hope.  I kiss again.  Sure enough, he has puckered his lips.  I kiss again.  He kisses me back.  Weakly.  A kiss nevertheless.  I hold his face in my hands and kiss again. 

Hungrily. 
Ravished. 
Starving. 

I rise up on my tip toes.  I hold on for dear life.  Trying to salvage it.  To breathe love for me back into his heart.  To awaken him to me once again.  His hands find their way back to my waist.  I hear another loud beep.  I exhale.  We kiss again.  He holds my waist tightly.  Another beep.  Still kissing, he kisses me back.  I feel his tongue.  Now steady beeps are heard.  I cry harder.  I keep kissing him.  He keeps kissing me. 

I am too afraid to stop. 
Fearful I will lose him again. 
That we will flatline. 
Again. 

Too much fear to revive.  Too much fear to take that chance again.  I never thought I loved so much.  Never knew I would be the one fighting so hard.  I pull away.  Look into his eyes.  Anger still there.  But gone is the glisten of tears.  I have left a scar.  But love had come back. 

To think I almost lost it.

June 25, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , | 4 Comments

Date Night/Birthday Dinner

Friday night was date night with Mr. D … wasn’t actually scheduled though.  Kinda like a “hey, you wanna do something tonight?”  followed by a “sure, what you wanna do?” then a “I don’t know. Maybe get something to eat and have a drink on a patio bar” next comes a “aight that’s cool”.  Then we talk later and he asks if it’s ok to bring his brother along whose birthday passed about 2 weeks ago and he hasn’t had a chance to take him out for his usual birthday dinner.  I reply “sure, I don’t care”.  Last time we all went out for dinner it was my birthday last year August and his brother had brought his on-again-off-again date who Mr. D said really just came to be nosey.  This time it would be just the 3 of us.  As mentioned plenty of time before, I am not good in some social settings.  I might spark up a conversation but it’s only to get the ball rolling – I could care less what you are actually saying.  When I try too hard and it comes off as fake, then I just throw in the towel and wait for a moment when my effort is truly sincere.  However, when I do that I am labeled anti-social.  I accept that . 

We went to Bahama Breeze which is his brother’s favorite restaurant (my first time there).  My hair is longer than it was this time last year so I curled lightly so it flowed with the breeze, I wore jeans (like the guys) but with small heels, and a fitted button down summery shirt that showed my newly acquired curves & small waist that Mr. D likes 🙂 Getting into the car his bro mumbled a “hey” my way while checking his phone.  I felt like I was suddenly the 3rd wheel.  Must I remind you that you are coming on our date night? In the car ride there, Mr. D was trying to generate a conversation involving all of us which only happened once when we started talking about Gary Coleman and his wife’s alleged hand in killing him.  After that, it was Mr. D talking to me and then Mr. D talking to his bro.  Separate conversations.  As soon as we sat down in the restaurant, Mr. D excused his self to wash his hands having just left the barber shop which left me alone with his bro.  I instantly asked what was good on the menu which really got him to talking because his bro is a really good cook, loves talking food, and eats almost anything.  He was still talking when Mr. D slid into the booth next to me and I smiled that at least that had gone well.  From that point on, I kinda relaxed, let myself shine through instead of trying to impress, inserted my opinion where I wanted, and realized that I actually like his bro.  He’s an azz at first impression as I am likely a bytch but he is actually cool as ice.  I think we talked more than Mr. D at the table but there was of course a moment of irritation…..of course.

Mr. D and I were sitting next to each other.  Heaven forbid, my hand touched Mr. D in any way.  One time, I laid my hand on his arm and I swear his bro made this look like I had violated some code of ethics.  Mr. D didn’t mind obviously just looking up at me when he felt my hand and went back to eating, talking, or whatever he was doing.  We were talking food and how I do not like most seafood.  Mr. D’s bro ordered shrimp something for an appetizer which they both forced me to try (peer pressure).  The spicy sauce with bread was really good and the shrimp was just ok.  I tried to explain the crunchiness of the shrimp following by the liquidy of the insides when I bite into it.  His bro responded, “and?!”  like it was something stupid that had fallen from my lips.  I continued that it’s not the taste but the texture that I don’t like and I looked him square in the eyes cause he was coming off as if his opinion of food was supreme.  His bro kept looking at Mr. D – forget Mr. D you can talk to me cause I don’t care what you feel about anything.  I don’t like shrimp.  Build a bridge and get your azz over it!  Then, his bro turned to Mr. D and asked him if I like calamari or if I’d ever tried alligator.  What?!  He was asking Mr. D as if I wasn’t sitting there!  Mr. D knew some of the answers to his questions recapping times we’d gone out and foods I had tried with him having this entire conversation about me but without me.  One question he did not know the answer to so Mr. D looked at me to answer it as he should because the question is about  me.  Later, I told Mr. D I found that offensive and irritating.  He said he hadn’t noticed.  Of course not.  I probably should have said something at the table but that has never happened to me before so I was kinda shocked and I thought to sweep it under the rug.  Maybe it wasn’t as serious as I was making it.  Maybe.

After that, we left the restaurant and made our way home at about 1230a.  We talked, laughed about different things, and listened to each animated story Mr. D’s bro had to tell.  Overall, his bro is cool.  Kind of a diva in a masculine kinda way complete with bytchitude but I can hold my own.  I feel we will butt heads one day whether I bite my tongue or not.  Hopefully, when that day comes, our relationship is strong enough to withstand it and I hope I have learned some tact by then.  The next day, Mr. D told me his bro was surprised I knew so much about Mr. D and had already met a few of their cousins.  Um, what is the surprise?  It’s been almost a year.  What do you even care?  At the table, his bro felt the need to tell me Mr. D was a über carnivore and wine drinker.  I nodded my head and smiled because I already knew these things.  Apparently, his bro didn’t get the memo that we talk and share things about each other.  Kind of a significant part of a relationship which is why Mr. D knew most answers to the “what does she not eat?” question.  Maybe he thinks we are getting too close too soon.  I think 47 yr old never been married brothers with no kids should stay out of their baby brother’s relationship.  I also think little comments about your baby brother always spending time with me or at my apartment are none of your business.  I also think that when you see me giving Mr. D a shoulder massage and the first thing outta your mouth is “you can’t tell me you ain’t having sex with that girl”, then it’s crossing the line.  Lastly, when I call Mr. D at home and you are right there when he hangs up the phone asking “is that Denisha? what did she want?” is nosey as hell.  This is all TBD…

June 6, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Period, Raise, Boyfriend, & Running

Seriously, I’m not feeling too well 😦 two hours before I was set to leave work my uterus started tightening every 5 mins or so and I had to stop each time and grimace a tad bit.  Cramps!  I hate when my period starts while I’m at work but there was nothing I could do about it….Mother Nature refuses to get my opinion or views on anything.  So, I left a few minutes early and made a trip to the bathroom.  On my way home, I stopped to pick up tampons and chocolate and Scope…last one was random.  I sat down in front of TV, ate, watched people fall during downhill skiing, and dealt with my 8yo refusing to think long enough to finish his math homework.  How can you be mentally lazy?!  Ridiculous! 

So, before Mother Nature attacked my body, my manager called me into his office.  I never get called into his office unless we all have a meeting or he wants to show me something work related or I need his signature on something.  So, I get up thinking “is he gonna lay me off??” but he just wanted to tell me I was getting a raise!!  This is monumental because we have been in a recession since 2008, majority of my friends have been laid off or are still laid off, our sales were significantly less than last year so last year brought no raise at all (but we did get a bonus), and most companies are reigning in spending so it is still hindering our sales dept.  But, the big wigs gave out raises and I was one of those blessed folks 🙂  I got a 2.44% raise and a bonus!  Bonus is actually more than the bonus last year so I’m super happy.  He told me the dollar amount of my salary increase but I think a percentage looks better although 2.44% anything is almost nothing no matter what the 2.44% is added to but I will surely take it.  Then my manager asked how things were going and I explained I was learning more still (going on my 3rd yr here), doing more when boss lady stops hogging all the work because she’s obsessively anal over every small detail, and I feel like I’m always busy with something so that’s great.  He warned that a major company was coming to our dept pretty soon so our current workload would increase and the big wigs have already told him “no” as far as hiring more help.  Honestly, I think the boss lady and I can handle it well ourselves….but I say that now.  He told me to keep learning as much as I can & get ready to get buried (in so many words).  My dept is the bread & butter of the company (so says boss lady)…we bring in a nice revenue with outsourcing services so if more companies sign up then I should always have a job but I won’t bank on that too much.  So, my extra money which will be back paid from the 1st of the year to now will go right into my savings account along with my bonus when I get that.  I am really working hard on my emergency fund account & not spending on silly stuff I don’t need.  I am more than half way to my savings goal and then I can start working on my next goal to financial freedom!

I moved back to Chicago for my current job in June 2007.  In September 2007 I met this guy named D but I started calling him Chocolate Drop because he’s dark like chocolate, looked good like chocolate, and I just knew he had to taste good like chocolate too.  Anywho, we dated for a couple of months but then he said something about women being Pastors of churches along with a women-in-leadership comment that royally pissed me off so we stopped dating.  We remained friends for the next 2 yrs partly because he’s my boys’ barber and he is a cool person who I kinda still liked.  He is a property manager by day, barber by night, and co-owner of a cleaning something business with his brother for whatever part of the day is left.  So, July 2009 we started dating again and recently (after I wrote The Best saying how awesome he was although we didn’t work out) he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I thought he was joking because he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 10 years & the word “relationship” kept him frightened.  After writing The Best, I stuck around as his friend and we talked more, completely stopped arguing (a miracle), we laughed all the time & we swapped stories about random stuff and then about actual meaningful stuff.  He’d bring the boys milk, orange juice, candy for Valentines Day parties (all things I never felt like going to get), something I needed printed (I don’t have a printer at home), tacos, and anything else I call him for.  We just kinda started having fun & enjoying each others’ company again but then I realized my feelings hadn’t gone anywhere but neither had his so that’s how it happened.  I thought the next couple of days he’d freak out & say he made a mistake because 10 yrs ago this chick did blah blah blah and he no longer believes in love and he would rather be friends because of blah blah blah that will never make sense to me but then he said I was the best woman he’d ever dated and I realized while I had written The Best about him here he was thinking the same thing about me (altogether now……AWWWWWW!)  So, I have a boyfriend now and his name is Mr. D.

I officially registered (paid my money) for the Chicago Half Marathon this Sept so I have about 6 months to get my butt into run-13-miles-under-2-hours shape although I’d settle for 2.5 hours however ridiculously slow that sounds in my head.  Now…..I need to watch some more TV, read some more about ETFs, find some good accounts offering a decent interest rate in this economy, & actually get my forms notarized tomorrow.  Geez!  I was supposed to do that today but my lower body was cramping too bad to think about anything else.  No reason for the pink converses other than they’re freakin cute and uber girly! Over and out.

February 24, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

New Age Dating

It’s 2009 and things have officially shifted a bit as far as relationships go.  Men are crying more now.  Getting in touch with their feminine side and doing so in front of their significant other.  Men actually have feelings and are revealing that they too have been hurt or are still hurt from past relationships.  Men are falling in love and actually telling their guys that they are in love with her over there.  Men are doing what I never thought or expected them to do….they are acting like women.  Women were always the emotional ones.  The heart-on-their-sleeve ones.  The but-I-love-him ones.  Now, the tables have either turned, men are starting to break inside from the hard exterior and fascade they put up, or women are more accepting and welcoming of a man who shows his feelings. 

42-17711463In an argument I had with a guy, he stated that he has feelings too.  That he was hurt as well as I and ask if it ever occurred to me that there are two people involved in this.  Actually….no.  I knew you were there but I never knew we’d be feeling and expressing the same emotions at the same time.  It kinda caught me off guard but it was refreshing as well.  It’s like seeing Superman bleed when you always thought he was made of steel.  You are surprised, then worried, then confused, and then you see him as human just like you.  I never had a problem with a guy showing emotions but, dammit, this is when I can shed my tears and get some sympathy!  If we are both ranting and raving then what the hell?!  So, seeing and hearing him vent made me sit in silence and listen.  I listened because this really had my undivided attention and I wanted to hear what this new aged man had to say.

I always knew I could hurt and that hurt could result in pain but I never thought men hurt as well.  I knew they did but, at the same time, I thought they didn’t.  It’s like that whole if-a-tree-falls-in-a-forest-and-no-one-hears-it question.  Does it really happen if you never see or hear about it?  Interesting.  This leads me to my topic for today….this new aged man has begun a new aged trend….women dating men.  Women asking men out for dates more than before.  Women paying for dates.  Women setting aside a day for him to dote on and cater to him.  Women leaving him notes to let him know she is thinking about him.  Women pursuing him.  Totally, in my opinion, goes against the whole “a man that findeth a wife finds a good thing”.  How does he find her if she was busy making sure he saw her by positioning herself in his line of vision where he had little choice but to at least acknowledge her?

It draws a very thin line and threatens to uproot the essence of what makes a man.  Does being a man mean you must be the one asking for the date?  Paying the date?  Making sure she has every need and desire taken care of?  If not, then who is the head of the household now?  Does not the man take care of the overall running of the house?  How can he do so if, while dating, the woman took a dominate role?  Will the man step back into the shadows and hand over this authority God gave him?  Now, I have never taken a guy out on a date.  Never.  I don’t remember paying for anything unless it was a guy friend for his birthday….then, it was my treat.  Just tending to a guy for no reason other than just because is…new.  

As a woman, I like being pursued or chased…it makes me feel admired and/or wanted whether I actually want him back or not it doesn’t matter.  Is it time for women to return the favor?  Time we show our men appreciation?  What if you don’t have a man?  What then?  My reservation is that a man will accept you taking him out, spending your hard earned money on them in an effort to pursue him when, in the end, they aren’t interested.  How do guys do this all the time?!  Rejection is something I am not prepared for.  Everyone has their own opinions on this and I am sure men will applaud women stepping in their shoes and doing some legwork to get their attention but I guess it begs to reiterate something I read recently: to get something you have never had you must do something you have never done.  Is he really worth it? 

To jump over the fence and mingle with the guys for a moment, I have heard and read that most of our African American men tend to favor women of other races because they know how to take care of their men.  Most (I said most) African American women refuse to do anything close to what other women do until she has something solid in place like a label of a relationship and/or a ring (insert Beyonce’s song here).  I see both sides and I agree with both sides knowing that neither side will completely agree with the other and give up their stance but hope that either side will learn to compromise somewhat on their expectations.  Most women aren’t willing to give up so much for the notion that “he might one day” and most men aren’t willing to go without with the notion that “she will one day”.  Stop being selfish.  Quit being skeptical.  Cease the fear.  Open the lines of communication and kill the lies!  The only game I wanna play with you is Monopoly and even then your azz better pay up if you even THINK of landing on my Boardwalk!

March 18, 2009 Posted by | Love, Men | , , , | Leave a comment

A Dad’s Love

fatherdaughter1In love, I have made some mistakes and I have also learned some lessons.  I enjoy sitting back and, from time to time, try to go back so I can figure out what I did wrong.  As apart of my self-reflection, I have come to find out I was looking for a relationship but I had no prototype or I had a faulty one.  My father left us with a very tart taste in my mouth, my uncles whom were my initial male role models were taken from me when I was in my teen years, and all I had was my step-father who I didn’t have time to get to know because high school was over and Purdue was calling my name.  Purdue is where I met several guys whom I have kept in contact with since then, grown closer to as life matured us both, and one I married just to later divorce but none fit the qualifications from my list.  I used to cry often and, even now, my tears up because I wish I had a daddy so I can be what every girls dreams of being before a princess…..daddy’s little girl.  I thought I had that until I found out it was a lie. 

Does that diminish the fact that he loved me?  That he tried to reach out to me?  That he cared about me and my education taking the time to teach my advanced things past my current grade?  How he made sure I had what I needed when I started running?  How he encouraged me from the time I started sports?  How he always seemed proud when I showed interest in the Bible?  How I was his little girl who was always excelling in academics, teacher’s pet in school, a great athlete, and still a virgin going off to one the best Big Ten universities…he loved me.  I refused to see it so I ran from him.  I told myself over and over of how he hurt me so I ran and used that as an excuse to not let him in out of fear that, like all men, he would do it again.  His actions told one story but all I could think about was the past.  Yes, I was his favorite and so what.  He loved me.  He didn’t show it in a way that I preferred and he didn’t go through life (or parenting) with a perfect record but he still loved me.  His way of loving me was not what the other girls’ daddies were showing them…it differed slightly partly because they lived with their dad….but he did love me.  That is how I see it as I look back and think about everything again whether I want to or not.  Now, I fall quickly for those who show their love as expected and run from those who show their love in their own way.  I usually don’t decode that love until it’s too late because my mind is convinced that this person is utter bullshit. 

I laugh now because I was always told that single women should go to church to find a good man.  I am glad I have noticed the difference between being spiritual and religious.  I am also glad I am not lacking self-esteem or else I’d be picking up some mess simply because he looks nice as he sits on a pew every Sunday morning.  And, for the first time ever in my thinking, I understand what it means to submit to a man.  I always looked and thought of that as negative until my older friend (she is 40 yrs old and will prb kick my butt for calling her old) told me she had this great man that treated her like a queen, anything she needed done around the house he did it, he never let her go without and it was nothing monetary, he respected her and loved her for who she was and she tended to him as her man.  She cooked, ran his bath, massaged his feet, was there when he needed her, encouraged and supported him, and simply doted on him.  She said it was then that the word “submit” became clear as day…when she met a man.  Just like when people tell you “you will know” when you ask “how do I know if I am in love?” she said I will know who he is when I am willing to throw aside my pride to honor him as the man he is no matter what anyone has to say and no matter what he has to offer me materialistically.  I wish I had the words to fully articulate what I feel but I don’t.  What happened with my friend?  They went their separate ways after a common case of miscommunication but have since found each other via email.  One thing I do know, time has no power to kill true love….it sustains it but never breaks it.

Oh, back to the Queen comment, I asked my ex-hubby whether that was valid and he said,

“well, you have a tendency to get frustrated and irritated if you don’t get your way or if someone doesn’t do what you want them to do.  Now, would I say you act stuck-up like royalty?  No.  You just seem to think you are always right and people should finally do as you have instructed.” 

Well, dammit, I am a Queen and I don’t car what no one says!  But, I will try to calm down my “I-am-right-and-you-are-defective” attitude.  Back to my topic….I lost my daddy.  We didn’t get the chance to stroll through the park, do the father-daughter dances, see and give me away at my wedding, meet his grand-kids, or even grow old together but I am glad I can finally let that go and let him love me.  My Father has always loved me and picked up where man has failed.  He holds my hand, takes me dancing, listens to me, and is my prototype.  If any guy does not know Him then he doesn’t need to know me.  I am daddy’s little girl still at the age of twenty eight and my next guy better ask Him for my hand.  I sure hope it’s the guy I was thinking about in the previous paragraph.  Patience…such a great virtue to have….I wonder if I can buy some instead.

March 13, 2009 Posted by | God, Love | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Alter Ego

alteregoSome people claim they have an alter-ego.  Others swear they have one.  I just know I do whether people wanna believe me or not.  My alter-ego is not a different personality per se but someone who protects me from others.  Normally, I am sweet, shy, and lovable.  Once someone pisses me off and/or hurt me then that is when I need protection.  Me in my normal personality would get my butt walked all over on but, Deena, she don’t let bitches say shit to me.  She tries to stay within the confines of what I would do but with the guarantee of getting results.  This would be an opportunity to blame stupid shit I have done and said on Deena but I don’t because I know, in the end, I must be held accountable for me and what happens.  She does come in handy when I want to do something but don’t know how to….I bitch up and get the bitch out….easy.  When I can’t fathom cursing someone or being rude to someone who deserves it because they have bitched me too long then I get the real bitch out.  She doesn’t strive to hurt people…she just wants to give you what you seem to enjoy dishing out. 

Where is all this coming from?  This past weekend…this weekend was great but, Deena feels like he is full of shit.  Cow manure left out in the hot sun with flies buzzing around…that kinda shit!  It was great.  It meant a lot.  Looking forward to the weekend.  No drama and just fun.  Poetic.  Deep.  Intimate.  All what he said.  In my head at the time, I felt weird and confused because I thought we were to resume our friendship…threw me for a loop I suppose.  Well, friendship should be the underlying foundation…often times it is not….call it what it is.  So, Deena asked me….”are you Jessica II?”  Am I?  The dumb chick who played the toy for a year without caring whether she had a commitment or anything past “friends”.  What the hell happened to black and white?  When did someone mix them? Blur the line I knew I had drawn in the mud?  Where is my fucking line?

D is cool, looking to have fun, chill, relax, get back to the basics.  Deena is on guard because she has picked up the scent of bullshit in the air.  I don’t argue with her….she is normally right….most of the time she is right.  I smile because I know what’s coming….that same ole tired Misunderstood song….did someone steal my violin?  He is about to start singing!  Ok, Deena is typing most of this and, yes, this is my reason for typing stuff that is sooooo off the wall from other stuff I would otherwise type.  But, it is what it is….Jessica was a big-boned chick and I am a small boned chick.  I don’t resemble her nor do I plan to be her.   A++ gutted your heart out and threw that shit to the floor, pierced it with her stiletto, and walked away laughing never knowing she was leaving you to bitch up.  It’s cool….now, let’s get back to where we were…friends.  I had this conversation with idiot #1 last week….this is becoming a re-run….same script but different cast.

Step aside, Deena…..ok, there has been a mix-up somewhere between A and Z.  Now, this is how it will happen and you can wipe boo-boo-the-fool off my forehead sweety.  Texting to find out how I’m doing.  Calling to take me and my kids out.  Wanting to be all boo’ed up.  Calling me honey, babe, sweety pie, and crap.  Getting upset when you can’t see me.  Tryna blind me with what you think I wanna see.  Tryna clog my ears with what you think I wanna hear.  If I am wrong…..then I apologize.  If I am not, which I am sure I am not….better luck next time.  Maybe he was right…you are out to hurt me….y’all were supercool back in the day….maybe this is one man calling the other man out.  Takes one to know one ya know.  Both you bastards fuckin suck!  Sorry….that was Deena with that last line…she is still kinda pissed.

March 4, 2009 Posted by | Me, Men | , , | Leave a comment

What Am I Looking For?

polaroid1I get asked this question a lot and, until recently, I would give the same answer….a relationship.  When I replied “a relationship” I was thinking along the lines of a romantic monogamous commitment between a man and a woman.  Fast forward, I realized I was trying to fill a void quick, fast, and in a hurry that I wanted what I knew I didn’t need at the time just to appear like I was normal.  How irritating it can be when someone finds out you are single and they say, “Oh, you’ll be alright.  You’ll find your special someone soon.”  I know!  Did I look sad?  Depressed?  Lonely?  Single is sometimes equated to embarrassment and not as what it should be…a time for me to grow and just live solo for awhile. 

Recently I was asked this question and I replied, “I don’t know” because I really didn’t know.  I don’t know if I said “I don’t know” because of who was asking or if I said “I don’t know” because I truly did not know at the time.  After some time to think about it I now know what I am looking for and what I need….a friend.   I have my girls who have been my friends for years now.  We have been through it all and seen each other through it all.  Never had a guy like that.  Maybe because most want sex, think since you are being nice you are offering sex, or think playing as my friend will eventually lead to sex.  Sex is always something they want to add to the equation which is why that has yet to work out for me. 

But, I will say I have had friends who didn’t want sex.  They were just cool with me just because I am a cool chick.  However, notice I used the word “had” because these friendships didn’t last either.  Why?  Because they simply suck at being a friend.  They violate friend code of honor, lie, backstab, act two-faced, and anything else to resemble an enemy of mine than a friend.  So, that is what I want.  A friend from a guy.  The hardest relationship outside of a marriage to sustain.  But, what constitutes a friend?  Depends on who you ask because people are looking for different things and have different needs. 

What am I looking for in a friend?  Someone I can be me around.  If I can’t act silly and stupid and serious and b*tchy with you then I just don’t think this will work.  All of my personalities have to get their introduction for you to even begin to think you know me.  Someone who knows me and would know what I am thinking, what I would say, what I would do, and how I generally am.  Without entertainment, someone who I can talk to for hours and be in complete bliss.  Without anyone but us, someone I can engage myself with and care less about time.  Someone I can trust.  Someone I can confide in. 

Without the uneasiness and shallowness usually present in romantic encounters, this is usually harder to come by because I don’t care what you have or who you are wearing…what kind of chemistry or connection do we have?  Can I cry in front of you about stubbing my toe and you wipe my tears while thinking “she is such a damn baby!” but only say it afterwards for laughs?  Can we stay up all night talking about our lessons learned in life and never once feel ashamed about what I have done and told you?  Can I just be me without being judged?  Can I come over with my hair wrapped and my scarf on?  Can you see me with my “house clothes” on and still chill like I ain’t wearing every color of the rainbow? 

Try being my friend, meeting all of me, learning me, and just have fun in the process.  A relationship is something I am not ready for just yet but, if I find a good friend who happens to be a man, then what that evolves into is simply fate and not force which is the way it should be.  Then, I just might get the buddy and the booty! 🙂

March 1, 2009 Posted by | Men | , , | Leave a comment

Fearful?

woman_screaming1Saturday I told this guy that he calls too much.  Let me explain so you all can accurately gauge my mental capacity.  We have been “dating” off and on since July 2008.  He takes me out all the time, pays for everything, is nothiing but a gentleman, we even spent the day with me for my birthday and sang to me.  He sings all the time … better him than me because broken glass is dangerous!  Our last date was this past Saturday evening.  He picked me up, we drove to his suburb becuase he was going to cook my fav meal but we both didn’t anticipate the snow that night so it took longer than normal to get there.   We canceled the home cooked dinner for another night and we out to eat instead. 

Me being me I asked why he was going to cook my fav meal.  He said because it was my fav, he has never attempted to cook that dish but he will because it is my fav … I was still confused but I know me so I tried to just shut up.  We went to a new restaurant maybe 3 blocks from his apt.  Walking up to the door I could see they had big screen TVs so we could watch the game (basketball) but they also had a fireplace which gave it a cozy feel.  We slide into an oversized booth and he says, “this could end up being our place.”  I look at him and said “what?” … he repeated what he had just said at which I replied, “you are such a girl!”

Dinner was great.  We ate, laughed, talked about random stuff, talked about careers, ordered drinks … mine was fantastic but his was horrible!  He told me to taste it before he sent it back … I could still kill him for letting me put that nasty stuff in my mouth!  It was vodka with olive juice …. ewwwww!  After dinner we went back to his place and that is where things end … seriously.  Well,  the next day he calls me … he stopped texting a couple weeks ago and now calls often.  I, being me, asked why he calls everyday … he said he does when he is thinking about me … if true, he thinks about me a lot.  I asked why he pays for everything if we are (these are his words) ‘hanging out’?  He asked if I had a problem with it … no if you continue to pay so I shut up again.

My problem … I don’t know what he wants.  We have been out a lot … I think he is awesome ….. one day I texted him to see if the Giants were winning since I wasn’t at home in front of the TV.  He said they were losing and about to lose …. I was pissed because I love Eli but I digress.  So, we started talking football and I said this is the worst NFL post-season ever because all 3 of my fav teams weren’t going to the Superbowl.  We asked me to spend Superbowl Sunday with him.  I was kinda surprised by that but I said “sure”.  He said he was gonna go to his guy’s house who was throwing a Superbowl party and wanted me to come with him … “come with you?” I thought to myself … “come as what? Your groupie?”  I didn’t say that out loud but I did kinda mention something along the lines of ‘flavor of the month’.   think I self-sabotage myself or freak out when a guy begins to get too close or I just don’t like gray areas and prefer an actual label or I overthink things or I really do expect linear love from A to Z or I am simply afraid of getting close to someone so I go after those who don’t want me.

This is the time to evaluate my mental condition….trust me, I know what you are thinking!

January 22, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | Leave a comment