32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Mistake

A mistake
Often followed by regret
Remorse
Repentance
But I still feel a song
Swelling from within
Dripping from my lips
Every single day
Where there ought to be
There is none
No regret
No remorse
No repentance
The only mistake
My mistake
To ever stop singing the blues

May 26, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Regret of My Youth

Living_In_Regret_by_xianloveRegret. It has the power to kill, bury, and memorialize your soul. The salt from the tears only make it sting more. Damn youth…damn damn damn!  I have always embraced my youth and all it brings knowing with certainty that I will make some mistakes along the way at which time I can flash my Youth card and feel a tad bit better about the situation(s).  This time around…not so much.  Some actions, some roads I choose, some decisions I made, some people I walked away from, some people I walked with, some words I’ve said, some things I have initiated….they all carry with them a slice of regret but the ones that hurt the most are those in which the course of my life could have been different.  You ever sit and wonder “what if”?  You ever couldn’t even muster the strength to think “what if” so you just cry because you know you and your life would have been happier had you done A instead of B? 
 
The sad thing is that I listen to and rest on the bosom of so many older women.  They nurse me.  They console me.  They reassure me that everyone has been here before.  But it does not lessen the pain.  It hurts.  If only I had <<fill in the blanks>> then <<fill in more blanks>>.   The one thing I did do was apologize.  Although I did not choose that path for myself, when I had a reunion with that passed decision, I apologized to it knowing it was right all along.  That I should have but I did not.  That I would have had I known what I know now.  That I wish I could now but now is not no longer an option.  How could I have known?  That is my argument as I wipe tears from my chin.  How could I have known?  I went with what I was feeling back then, what I wanted back then, what I thought I needed back then, and that is why I am sulking in regret now….because what I desired back then is not what I desire right now.  My mindset was different.  My goals were different.  My idea of “needs” were more so “wants” back then.  My idea of life, let alone love, was as skewed as my idea that a black man could before president before I reached the age of 30.  I can be hard on myself.  I am often hard on myself…only because I am not used to failure.  I am not unrealistic but I make calculated decisions.  I plan plan plan.  I am strategic in every move to reap the best possible long-term results.  Me in my youth was clearly not as wise as me right now.  But what good is wisdom when I want my youth back just to right that wrong?  I’d surely trade the gained wisdom for the trek down that path instead of the one I took. 
 
I have this quote on my gmail account: “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable”.  My soul feels like it’s been assassinated, dumped six feet under, and commemorated as the ignorance that youth made of me.  Someone will always debate what is the worse physical pain a human can ever undergo.  But what is the worse emotional pain a human can ever undergo.  My eyes are still wet as I hear someone telling me “it’s ok”.  My heart has since stopped hurting.  That pain in the core of my body is only slightly stinging.  But I will never forget that initial pain I felt when I realized I had made a terrible mistake.  It’s unforgettable.  Unmistakable.  And unrelenting.  It seems to hold you in its grasp until you admit to yourself that you were truly wrong.  I apologized.  I was forgiven.  I can now move on.  But my soul still burns like hell.  Youth.  No one of any age can tell me this is expected, normal, or apart of life.  I refuse to believe it.  At least not right now anyways.

August 6, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Ex-Factor

becca20raynes1I was so gonna write about something different today but my focus was changed when I checked my email.  My ex-husband and I claim one of our kids on our taxes each every year so I emailed him today to make sure he was claiming the one he had claimed last year.  A simple email one full sentence at the most …

Hey, just checking to see if you were still claiming blah blah blah on your taxes this year so we don’t claim the same SS# by accident.  Let me know what you decide.”

So, he replies back within an hour or so with a brief response of …

I think it may be best for you to claim the kids since I may end up owing and not reaping any benefits from it.  I will let you know next week though.  How are the kids?  How are you?”

Ok, so the question concerning the kids was normal but my eyes lingered on the … “How are you?”  He has never in recent history asked about me.  We have kept things about the kids and this has been pretty civil and I thank God for that since it could be much worse.  I replied with a response to the tax issue and said I would wait for his email or phone call next week.  Then I spent the “How are you?”  portion of my email talking about the kids, their doctor appts, school, grades, and my work-from-home days recently.  Then, trying to be courteous, I added a “How are you?”  at the end to close out the email.  What he replied back had me speechless. 

I miss being able to help you out with things instead of you having to do it all yourself.  I miss you very much.  I dream of you from time to time. I know I may not be what you are looking for but I have realized my mistakes and feel that I am a different man.  I am sure you have found someone by now that treats you better than I had.  I have no shame in saying that I am sorry and wish that I could have you back again.

He ends the email by stating that he will stop being mushy and will see me and the kids soon.  My thoughts?  I have none.  You know how you can go so long without seeing a face you used to love that, when they return, you recognize them but are they the same person you used to love?  That is me right now.  When I see him that is just it … I see him.  I feel nothing.  Not that I am trying not to but because there is nothing there.  Apart of me notices a pattern of behavior where he messes up, loses something of value, realizes it later, and makes an attempt to have it back again.  Only … this time it is his umpteenth mistake and his umpteenth time trying to come back. 

I will never say he has not changed because I don’t spend enough time with him to determine that.  I will never bad-mouth him (anymore).  I will never laugh at his efforts.  I will continue to support him and encourage him but a man must be a man whether he has a woman on his arms or not.  I have yet to see that man … that does not mean I never will … but regret is a b*tch.  I can only imagine what he may be feeling right now.  I commend him for his honesty.  I applaud him for getting his life together.  Who is he getting his life together for?  Me?  To win me back?  The one thing he does not see is that if he would just focus on God and take his eyes off me, when he turns around, I will be there waiting. 

I prayed to God a month ago concerning my ex-husband.  I was sitting at home thinking while he had the kids for Christmas and something came over me making me miss our family.  I talked to God and said that if He brings him back to me in all seriousness then I promise to give “us” a real consideration.  I see him coming back but I don’t see God anywhere in the vicinity.  I need confirmation….

January 17, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments