32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Dear God



I am trying to be strong….in the face of fear and I mean this literally, I am trying to be strong.  I try to do what I think you would want me to do but I don’t see anything improving….I guess an improvement to me would be its exit from my life but that has yet to happen.  Why?  I asked to you take it away but it is still here.  I asked you in tears and it is still here.  I asked you sincerely and it is still here.  Am I breaking?  No.  Is my faith wavering?  No.  I know too much and have too many great examples to know better.  I know who did wrong, who did well, and why you thought they had done well.  But why me?  You remember Job?  He was a righteous man….upright….God fearing.  You said that about him to Satan.  You remember?  That is not me.  Righteous?  Upright?  By nature because humans walk on their hind legs but upright in a biblical or moral sense?  God-fearing?  What does that even mean?  Did Satan ask you about me?  You remember he asked about Job?  Tell that muthafreak to keep my name out his mouth!  I didn’t curse….wanted to but I didn’t….he always starting ‘ish!  Or did you do this?  God?


I do not hate you.  I prayed to you.  I talked to you.  I outright pleaded with you.  Nothing.  Part of me wants to be upset.  Part of me wants to think you don’t hear me.  Part of me wants to think you have left me.  Part of want to think you despise me.  Part of me wants to think you are laughing at me.  Part of me….  Because I can’t sleep!  I sleep but a full night’s rest?  I forgot what that is like!  I wanna cut my own ears off.  I wanna poke my own eyes out.  I wanna turn off all of my sensory abilities.  I wanna dig a hole and crawl in and never come back out.  I have no peace I my own home!  I can’t relax in my own home!  I can’t exhale when I get home from a day at work!  I miss my home.  I miss my sanity.  I miss my boring uneventful regularly routine life. 


It is starting isn’t it?  My thoughts….when I feel them I try to re-direct them.  Instruct them to go away.  Sometimes I feel like I am not me anymore.  I am strong but only as strong as you are.  I am wise but only as wise as you have made me.  I am equipped but only as equipped as I know you can make me.  So why now?  Why this?  Why me?  Why?  While we are taking about unanswered prayers how about an answered one….I asked you to take something away and you didn’t.  I did the same thing I did before that I am doing now but for a completely different.  I asked for a sign that this is where I need to be…that sign being a text message with a scripture….I got that.  Fast forward, I asked for another sign from you (suddenly I felt like Mz. Gideon over here) but this time I said a scripture in any form of communication….I got that too. 


So, you see, I know you hear me….I know you do.  I won’t cry….that much.  I won’t worry….at all.  I won’t be afraid….entirely.  I will wait for you….yes, my of little patience….I have no choice but to wait.  Well, I do have a choice but I think if this is really a test I will surely fail with flying colors and that is something I do not want to do.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will recite my scriptures so that it and you can hear me.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will sing to you for it can hear me too.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will talk to you and let it hear and see me talking to you.  All I ask is that, tonight and each night thereafter, you send the Comforter to me so I don’t feel as alone as I do sometimes. 






January 29, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment


matrixbulletsI love the movie Matrix!  I only kinda liked the second and third sequels but my fav is the original…the first one.  I fell in love with Keanu Reeve’s character Neo because his innocence and naturally human approach to his “destiny” was understandable…relatable (if that is a word).  The shift of the movie occurred when Neo stopped using his sheer force and strength to fight his adversaries and, instead, he began to tap into his own strength he never knew he had but was always there.  This began when he finally believed.  Morpehus said it as well … “he is starting to believe”.  When Neo began to believe he no longer had to dodge bullets … he stood there and simply stopped them in mid-air. 

I thought about this when I was in the shower about an hour ago because one of my sorors called and asked me to pray for her.  I, nonchalantly, said ok.  She then made sure I didn’t forget at which I replied “ok” again.  Then she asked me the definition of a warrior.  I replied that it is someone who fights and wars in the spirit.  Dictionary.com says this:

A person engaged or experienced in warfare; solider.  A person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness

Maybe I am naive but what if we really do not have to fight so hard in prayer?  Several places in the Bible, and in life, people are said to have prayed so hard that they tired themselves out from the effort alone … became weak and drained … from emptying themselves completely before God in an effort to make their prayers known and heard.  There is a time and a place for all things but, everyday, is that required? 

Sometimes I feel abnormal because I do not yell.  Some people say I do not speak loud enough because I focus so hard on speaking to God that I know He hears me and the people listening matter not.  Sometimes I feel abnormal because I do not close my eyes and bow my head.  My prayers and my prayer life are not consistent with what most are taught.  I enjoy praying in my head, in my spirit, as well as aloud when I am alone, or with my head bowed and eyes closed.  The connection is most important to me.  That connection is what I attempt to understand.  That connection is what I strive to maintain.  That connection is what I miss when I have gone astray. 

Must I “war” in the sense of the word?  Yes, there are evil spirits who indeed seek to kill and destroy.  I guess when she asked me the definition of “warrior” I was thinking about someone who is bloody, exhausted, and staggering on one leg with a severed arm.  But, I think of a skilled warrior who has perfected the art of this war and knows how to efficiently and effectively tap into the strength they have to get the job done.  Believing is only a starting point.  Staying connected is the ongoing difficult part.  Speaking to your Father as you know He hears you is an individual process.  Being a prayer warrior is a calling for everyone.  I truly believe that an exhausting all out battle is not necessary for our everyday requests and petitions of God … if I am wrong then I am still in training.  I simply believe that my God hears me … my God sees me … my God is near me  …. and I Him so I can stand and know that He is.

Neo:  “Are you trying to tell me that I can dodge bullets?

Morpehus:  “No, Neo, I’m trying to tell you when you’re ready you won’t have to.”

January 24, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Recent Dreams

deathEvery single day it never fails … I always have something to write about.  Today it is about dreams … more specifically, dreams about death.  These have always resulted in fear because, in the past, I have had dreams about people dying and they later died.  So, to read some stuff on-line about interpreting dreams gives me little comfort but I will seriously change my thoughts and focus on the more favorable on-line explanation than my own from experience. 

Last night, I had a dream that my oldest child died.  This is the second time I have dreamt him dying and each time I wake up scared but the interesting part is what my mind tells me as soon as I grasp it was just a dream.  When I wake up, meaning when I realized it was nothing more than a dream whether I have opened my eyes or not, I started praying that God would cover my child and protect him.  I did it last night … I did it the last time of the dream … I will continue to.  This is what one website said about a child dying and the coincidence is that my child is actually seven yrs old:

If you dream of seeing a child’s coffin or you hear of a young child’s death in a dream, ask yourself how old you felt the child was. For example, if you felt the child was aged seven, then ask yourself what you might have ended seven years ago or what ended for you when you were seven. Dreams often are quite accurate with numbers but less literal in other areas. So the seven-year-old dead child may also represent something that ended for you seven weeks ago, or when you were in grade seven or when you lived at house number seven.”

Another dream I had maybe two weeks ago was about a male friend of mine.  In this dream, like the last one about my child, there were no details of a death or how the death happens or why … I am simply told they have died and I feel the pain as if it is real.  I feel time stand still.  I feel my heart racing.  I feel my mind drifting to their face.  I see our times together flash before my eyes.  Everything I have ever felt when I learned a loved one has died is exactly what I felt in my dreams.  The difference between my child and this friend of mine is that I cried uncontrollably for him but not for my own child.  I was seriously doing the ugly cry so hard in my dream that I woke up and was still crying.  I had to force myself to stop crying way after I realized it was just a dream … but I never shed a tear for my own child.

I prayed for my child … I did not for my friend.  I was struck with fear when I learned about my child passing … but not for my friend.  I reacted by running and kneeling at God’s throne for my child … but I just sat there and cried alone for my friend.  I felt confident that God had things in His control for my child … for my friend I was still clueless the next day.  At first, I took it as if I did not love my child as I do my friend but that is far from the truth after I analyzed the differences that took place thereafter in how I reacted.  I gave my child to God, handed over control for his life into His hands and that keeps me sane as a parent because I would serious kill myself by sheer worry.  Is control the issue?  Have I yet to release something?  Although I did not outright plead with God to spare my child’s life I did make it clear that Him taking him was not something I wanted.  I fought in a way.  I did not fight for my friend.  I sat there and consoled myself with my tears.   This is what some websites said about this dream concerning my friend:

If the dead person in the dream is actually a living person – and esp if that person is your partner or parent or sibling – the dream may be expressing unconscious resentment towards that person, or a desire to be independent of that person.  Feelings toward someone close are often ambivalent (conflicting): love or respect mixed with fear or hatred or resentment or jealousy.  Death is a symbol of a new beginning and a time to let go of past or old things for this rebirth.  For years in our family it has meant that someone in the family would soon be wed and the wedding would be beautiful.   In some circles it means a birth, the opposite of death.”

Lastly, I did have a dream some time ago where my father and sister were present both of whom have passed on.  While I was looking up death I read this about dreams where loved ones are present who have already gone on home. 

To talk to a dead relative is a sign of great good luck.  Does the dream contain a dead person you actually knew?  If so, the dream may mean you should take notice of what he or she said or did, or of what happened to him or her.  The dead person is ‘coming back’, not to haunt you but to advise and help you (the dead person actually represents parts of your unconscious self that is wiser than your waking ego).”

Well, that is all for today.  Dreams about things I never want to dream about but, if this on-line information is anywhere close to being true, then I would rather dream about death than weddings because apparently they mean the exact opposite of what they stand for in reality.

January 18, 2009 Posted by | Me | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment