32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Still Bleeding

15036I told myself I needed a break from blogging since I blog entirely too much but my mind won’t let me.  Today I was handed a pill called Misunderstood…told to swallow it….and I can still feel the pain as it went down slow and rough against the tender lining of my esophagus.  Is my heart still bleeding from the blog earlier? Yes, it is but I am more so focused on why and how I have been misunderstood.  Queen?  I was told that I act like a queen as if what I say goes and heaven forbid if it doesn’t.  I was even told that someone else has bent over backwards for me and I have not for them.  I just don’t know what to say because it’s not true.  I know it’s not but, for the sake of not arguing again, I shut up. 

Now, it’s my time to sing Misunderstood with my own violin as I share the stage with myself under the warm stage lights screeching into the mic as tears threaten to run down my face.  All I did was try and I still get labeled so why do I even try?  I have no answer.  I don’t think I ever will.  I have never been at such a loss for words before and no I do not regret what I wrote in my blogs.  That was my release no matter how the words may sting that is how I feel and I have a right to feel the way I did at the time.  Yes, I over-exaggerate for emphasis….my regular readers know that…I guess some I still have to explain myself but I hold true to what I feel. 

Where do we go from here?  I have pulled the white flag from my pocket ready to surrender because I just don’t know how I can go on.  Cut my losses.  Put an end to it.  Is it even worth?  How can two people hurt each other so much?  Misunderstanding?  No.  We both needed to air some things and, when we did, we released some bombs that fucked each other up!  Talk about clear the air.  Let shit off your chest.  Put it all out on the table.  Of course my words were a little bit harsher than his but…what can I say…I just say shit how I feel it.  If I feel it then I say it as is.  Good?  No but you know how I feel.  Tend to get the wrong idea?  Yes but never not getting an idea at all. 

Other than my blog, I have not gotten to the bottom of why I have a mark on my back.  What did I do wrong?  I almost don’t wanna care.  I almost wanna say fuck it.  I almost wanna say kick rocks and break your fucking toe while you at it.  I almost wanna say go fuck yourself.  But I know I don’t mean it.  I’m just upset, frustrated, confused, and emotional right now.  I love that fool!  I do.  I almost wish I didn’t but I do.  I almost wish I had never met him but I don’t.  I almost wish this was easier but it’s just not.  I almost wish he’d leave me and I him but we never do.  I almost…..almost wish…wish I could cry and erase what happened a few hours ago but my tears are as useless as writing this damn blog because no matter what words I type to form what sentence it does not and never will change the fact that we hurt each other in some way, brought tears to each other’s eyes, and we both think we ourselves are in the right. 

I don’t care to be right anymore…lets just fix it and make up….can we?  Please.  Queens can beg too ya know.

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March 11, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | Leave a comment

Bleeding

06-self-portrait-with-bleeding-heartMy mind is racing and I can’t think.  My heart hurts and I can’t feel.  I wanna cry but my eyes are dry.  I wanna scream but my throat hurts.  I wish he was dead but I want him alive.  I wanna hit him but I wanna console him.  I hate him but then I love him.  This tug-of-war is torture but healing.  I hang myself but I also hang him.  I save me but I save him too.  He is a liability.  A mental case incompetent to live here on earth with the rest of us.  Why?  Because he wreaks havoc every time he passes a normal female because some normal female wreaked havoc on him and that is all he knows.  He apologizes but won’t stop.  He is regretful but knows it’s coming.  I hate him as God has asked me not to.  I love him as Satan has asked me not to.  My mind lynched him.  My heart drowned him.  I curse the day he was born but I bless that day too.  I spit in his face but then I kiss his face.  I wonder why me while he wonders why him.  He means well but he doesn’t try well enough.  To love and hate the same person in the same heartbeat of emotion is complicated.  How do you know how you feel?  Right now….I want to see him suffer as he has caused me to.  I want to see the pain done to him multiplied three fold so he jumps into the lake with a weight tied to his feet and his hand chained together.  I want to see my pain inflicted on him.  That is what we do, right?  We want the accused to feel our pain so they can hurt with us instead of us hurting alone.  I want him to feel my hurt.  Stick your hand in my heart and feel the blood spilling out.  Feel the frustration from my mind.  Feel my wet eyes.  Feel my shot nerves.  Feel my pain.  Feel me.  I do not care what she did to you because, now, you are her and I hate you as you used to hate her.  You are her.  She is you.  You have become what you hated.  You have become my worst enemy.  You have hurt the person who loved you.  You are no better than her.  You are who she became.  You should look in the mirror and see her face.  You should live the rest of your days seeing her face.  I hate you…for now.  I loved you…then.  I love you…still.  I understood….at one time.  I empathized with you….for awhile.  I wish you dead…today.  I wish you alive….I guess.  I am not asking you to put yourself in my shoes because whatever you touch withers and dies like my heart, faith in love, and hope in you.  Your words are acid to my eardrums.  Your eyes are lasers to my flesh.  Your touch is lethal in my existence.  I hate you because I see her and I don’t see you anymore.  You no longer stand before me.  She does.  Hello, let me introduce myself.  You took his place so I now feel the pain you inflicted on him.  I hate you.  Not him.  I hate you because you hurt him so all he does is hurt others.  Kill him God.  Kill him.  He is defective and dysfunctional.  Rid the world of this infection.  He should be quarantined.  Kill him.  Or else I will.  After I mend my heart, dry my eyes, and put the pieces of my life back together.  You have become her.  She is you.  You are not the person I thought I knew.  Go with the flow?  I always thought you were such an intelligent person but I guess you do not understand that a flow is in constant motion moving in some direction and not at a standstill.  When did you lose your mind too?  See God.  He is deteriorating before our eyes.  See my heart?  The blood on my hands?  My heart is dying from the trauma.  My heart is bleeding.  I think he has killed me.  So kill him for me before I die.  And take this heart because I never needed it anyway.  He lost his a long time ago.

March 11, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | Leave a comment

Tearless Cries

crying_girl-2072

I read that tearless cries are the worse cries there are simply because the sorrow seen in your eyes are not evident through the act of crying.  Crying is a release of built up emotions and grief felt inside but no one knows your inner pain.  No one sees your inner pain.  No one knows you are even in pain because you refuse to let your tears fall.  I admit I have pride when I know I should not.  My pride has prevented me from talking about it.  My pride has prevented me from acknowledging it.  My pride has made me pick up a mask and place it over my face to hide the pain someone might see in the absence of my tears.

Feel my feelings is what they say – it is an important part of hurting.  I feel my feelings only a tad bit because my mind is standing guard trying to make sense to me.  My mind tends to work in overdrive and it simply cannot explain to my heart what happened.  It is illogical and irrational.  It does not  show that ‘B’ is missing from the A+B+C=D.  My heart and mind speak two different languages so I don’t even know why I bother!  Linear … I cannot overcome myself but, at the same time, must I overcome myself to accommodate someone else?  That’s another blog.  So, I feel hurt.  I feel sad.  I feel miserable.  I feel pathetic even admitting this but that means I am on the right path and should continue if I hope to get over it. 

I feel down.  I feel like it is ok for me to talk about it.  I feel ok with chillin at home (esp since it’s below zero outside right now).  I feel I do need time to myself.  I feel like I am getting by ok where I am.  I feel strong in my moments of weakness.  Earlier today, in the midst of feeling ‘ok’ I was sitting here when this state of sadness came over me.  Like a wave, this overwhelming sadness engulfed me and all I could do was sit down and feel it.  Absorb it.  Acknowledge it.  Allow it to come and do it’s thing and let it leave when it is time.  Time.  One thing I have no problem placing on grief because the worst thing you can do is bring emotional baggage into your future.

There is a rainbow after the storm.  I have even seen a rainbow during a storm as it begins to ease up.  I will see my rainbow but, for now, I am ceasing my tearless cries … allowing those close to me to see my hurt … and acknowledging that someone meant this much to me that I need to feel my feelings before I move on to the next stage.  Ruin my mascara.  Smear my lipstick.  Mess up my bangs.  Redden my eyes and cause them to look puffy.  Write some thoughts.  Read my thoughts.  Delete my thoughts later.  Pride?  Yeah, my well-being trumps my pride any day – pride has officially left the building!

January 16, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment