32B's Blog

…where I write my words


April 21st I started crying on the phone for a reason but, in hindsight, for no real reason.  April 22nd I started the day with an attitude and made sure I was being heard whether it was a work day or not so I don’t care if you have to walk outside the office to talk cause your co-workers might hear me yelling.  Arpil 23rd I was supreme biatch!  Mr. D came over after working a good 12 hours (his fault not mine), I had an attitude, he left, I called him back (he was going to listen to me), this fool smart man answered the phone just for me to break up with him.  April 24th Aunt Flow came to visit and I couldn’t understand why I said some of the things I had said or even why I had cried over trivial things.  I mean I literally cried boo-hoo tears.  In the previous months, Mr. D had mentioned my mood swings but simply stated “I just need to know how to handle them” as if they were a walk in the park.  As time went on (we’ve known each other for quite a while), he’d drop hints here and there about what the date of the month was, he asked “not to be funny, but do you know when you’re being emotional?”, and even said really softly (low in volume) that it gets hard for him to handle sometimes.  That last statement was loud and clear.  Everything else before that time kinda went in one ear and out the other.  I guess it was the way the words were said gently as if not to hurt my feelings or carefully knowing a tigress could pounce at any time.  Either way, I felt bad.  I actually broke up with him for a weekend.  We talked that following Monday.  We were back on again. 

My ex-hubby never mentioned it.  I haven’t really spent a significant amount of time with any other guy to be called out on it.  I go to work, sit there quietly working, I eat with everyone for lunch, I speak occasionally, but I tell myself I am keeping to myself because they might piss me off and I’m not in the mood.  I think Mr. D is out of his mind.  He is trying to make me look psycho.  He is trying to bamboozle me.  He is an idiot.  That’s exactly what it is….a man trying to tell me (a woman) that I have a condition because heaven forbid there’s anything wrong with his narrow behind so I need help when he probably need patience, tolerance, and tissue when I feel like crying which is what women do.  We cry.  My mood on the 24th was lovely.  It was a weekend, I was chillin, relaxing at home, just enjoying life.  I called a friend of mine who works in health care.  I explained everything and even things I have done/said months previous and she suggested I talk to my doctor but thought birth control pills might be a good solution.  In her experience, she has seen worse but she does agree that my emotional state complete with crying, yelling, cussing even, and just acting a fool was not abnormal.  One of her co-workers has a daughter who did the same thing (sans crying).  She was unbearable during those times and, for a while, her parents thought she was bipolar because almost instantly she’d be fine again.  When the daughter started taking BCP, her mood swings got better.  Not sure if they totally disappeared but her mom says they stopped fighting and she didn’t “go off” like she normally did. 

I do not like birth control of any form.  In my opinion, it’s unnatural.  I have never had problems with cramps, heavy bleeding, or mood swings (imo) so I was fine.  My period started like clockwork every 4 weeks on the same day.  If it was early, it’s a day or two early.  If it was late, it was 3 or 4 days late.  No biggie.  Having been on BCP before, I didn’t like the side effects.  I didn’t like the hormones.  I didn’t like how it messed up my perfect cycle.  But, I told her I would consider it if my doctor suggested them.  I asked another lady much older.  She told me she drinks wine during those times.  What the hell does wine do for a hormonal imbalance?  I do not know.  Wine?  Alcohol?  That is your solution?! 

I have not made an appointment with my doctor yet and it takes a few weeks to even get in to see her but I will just to say I did.  What I find funny is that women in health care freely talk about this even saying loud and clear that PMS and mood swings are real but regular women do not talk about it.  Is it taboo?  Shameful?  I haven’t found a topic I won’t talk about so of course I am not bothered.  Sometimes I know I am being emotional either through my writing or through my actions.  How can you explain crying?  I am not even a crier most times.  I am still a “natural” person who would prefer a drug-free existence.  I still do not think my moods swing that much.  But ask me that in about 3 weeks.  Thinking about it, I sometimes feel like I am crazy or bipolar.  My friend explained it in a better way using medical terms and terminology which made me feel validated.  I called Mr. D and apologized.  He laughed and asked if I needed more ice cream.  I told him to stop that because it’s fattening than anything but I appreciated his attempts to help.  Is this really a medical issue requiring medicine?  Or can I just avoid the world for the 3 or 4 days beforehand?  Maybe it’s all in my head.


May 2, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Period, Raise, Boyfriend, & Running

Seriously, I’m not feeling too well 😦 two hours before I was set to leave work my uterus started tightening every 5 mins or so and I had to stop each time and grimace a tad bit.  Cramps!  I hate when my period starts while I’m at work but there was nothing I could do about it….Mother Nature refuses to get my opinion or views on anything.  So, I left a few minutes early and made a trip to the bathroom.  On my way home, I stopped to pick up tampons and chocolate and Scope…last one was random.  I sat down in front of TV, ate, watched people fall during downhill skiing, and dealt with my 8yo refusing to think long enough to finish his math homework.  How can you be mentally lazy?!  Ridiculous! 

So, before Mother Nature attacked my body, my manager called me into his office.  I never get called into his office unless we all have a meeting or he wants to show me something work related or I need his signature on something.  So, I get up thinking “is he gonna lay me off??” but he just wanted to tell me I was getting a raise!!  This is monumental because we have been in a recession since 2008, majority of my friends have been laid off or are still laid off, our sales were significantly less than last year so last year brought no raise at all (but we did get a bonus), and most companies are reigning in spending so it is still hindering our sales dept.  But, the big wigs gave out raises and I was one of those blessed folks 🙂  I got a 2.44% raise and a bonus!  Bonus is actually more than the bonus last year so I’m super happy.  He told me the dollar amount of my salary increase but I think a percentage looks better although 2.44% anything is almost nothing no matter what the 2.44% is added to but I will surely take it.  Then my manager asked how things were going and I explained I was learning more still (going on my 3rd yr here), doing more when boss lady stops hogging all the work because she’s obsessively anal over every small detail, and I feel like I’m always busy with something so that’s great.  He warned that a major company was coming to our dept pretty soon so our current workload would increase and the big wigs have already told him “no” as far as hiring more help.  Honestly, I think the boss lady and I can handle it well ourselves….but I say that now.  He told me to keep learning as much as I can & get ready to get buried (in so many words).  My dept is the bread & butter of the company (so says boss lady)…we bring in a nice revenue with outsourcing services so if more companies sign up then I should always have a job but I won’t bank on that too much.  So, my extra money which will be back paid from the 1st of the year to now will go right into my savings account along with my bonus when I get that.  I am really working hard on my emergency fund account & not spending on silly stuff I don’t need.  I am more than half way to my savings goal and then I can start working on my next goal to financial freedom!

I moved back to Chicago for my current job in June 2007.  In September 2007 I met this guy named D but I started calling him Chocolate Drop because he’s dark like chocolate, looked good like chocolate, and I just knew he had to taste good like chocolate too.  Anywho, we dated for a couple of months but then he said something about women being Pastors of churches along with a women-in-leadership comment that royally pissed me off so we stopped dating.  We remained friends for the next 2 yrs partly because he’s my boys’ barber and he is a cool person who I kinda still liked.  He is a property manager by day, barber by night, and co-owner of a cleaning something business with his brother for whatever part of the day is left.  So, July 2009 we started dating again and recently (after I wrote The Best saying how awesome he was although we didn’t work out) he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I thought he was joking because he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 10 years & the word “relationship” kept him frightened.  After writing The Best, I stuck around as his friend and we talked more, completely stopped arguing (a miracle), we laughed all the time & we swapped stories about random stuff and then about actual meaningful stuff.  He’d bring the boys milk, orange juice, candy for Valentines Day parties (all things I never felt like going to get), something I needed printed (I don’t have a printer at home), tacos, and anything else I call him for.  We just kinda started having fun & enjoying each others’ company again but then I realized my feelings hadn’t gone anywhere but neither had his so that’s how it happened.  I thought the next couple of days he’d freak out & say he made a mistake because 10 yrs ago this chick did blah blah blah and he no longer believes in love and he would rather be friends because of blah blah blah that will never make sense to me but then he said I was the best woman he’d ever dated and I realized while I had written The Best about him here he was thinking the same thing about me (altogether now……AWWWWWW!)  So, I have a boyfriend now and his name is Mr. D.

I officially registered (paid my money) for the Chicago Half Marathon this Sept so I have about 6 months to get my butt into run-13-miles-under-2-hours shape although I’d settle for 2.5 hours however ridiculously slow that sounds in my head.  Now…..I need to watch some more TV, read some more about ETFs, find some good accounts offering a decent interest rate in this economy, & actually get my forms notarized tomorrow.  Geez!  I was supposed to do that today but my lower body was cramping too bad to think about anything else.  No reason for the pink converses other than they’re freakin cute and uber girly! Over and out.

February 24, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments