32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Unscripted Weekly Events

Haven’t had much to write about.  Blogging has gotten boring – too much along the lines of self promotion that I have turned myself off from myself.  Doesn’t make any sense whatsoever since I do anything but promote but I guess I see other bloggers over-inflate the value of their own words it makes me wanna throw up on my own blog.  Trying to hold on to the purity of the reason behind this here place.  My sister had a baby – another boy.  6 lbs 7 ozs…a tiny little thing.  I couldn’t seem to put him down.  I think I want another one.  I don’t want the child-birth/cesarean part but I want another baby.  My sisters say I only like babies till they get to about 5 yrs old.  I think they are correct.  Maybe.  Ran my 10 miles yesterday.  1 hr and 30 minutes plus an extra 0.5 miles which added 4-5 minutes to my time so I am comfortably running 9:00/miles which makes me think I need to give my body additional time (months) to reach a 8:00/mile pace.  It’s cool.  Disappointment is only a slight setback – losing my physical means to run would be more detrimental.  My race is this Saturday at 7:30a (I think).  I just hope it’s not hot.  Warm is fine but hot is something my mind cannot take as well.  I have run in mid 80 degree weather but even that was difficult because it was a long run day.  A 3 mile run in high 80 degree weather is a different story completely.  A friend who went to high school a block from me asked why I still run.  I was silent for a while because my answer is corny and would make no sense to a non-runner.  It is all I know how to do well.  I do other things good but this is what I do well and happen to enjoy immensely.  And, it helps that I loathe fat, that mom shape, gut, and just fighting a slower metabolism as I age.  Some people accept those things as a part of life – I do not accept anything willingly.  Never have.

Went out last night with Mr. D.  Actually, I went running yesterday morning with my cell in my bra and sweated the poor thing to its death.  I showered, used my hair dryer to dry my cell, tried to charge the battery later but no luck although I think the presence of water probably did not make plugging it up to the charger a smart move.  Mr. D picked me up and took me to Sprint.  New phone should be here tomorrow for $50 – insurance is good for something.  Without a phone while holding onto my sanity, I chilled at the shop with Mr. D and called my sons & sisters to let them know to call Mr. D’s phone if they needed me.  About 10p we went to see Inception (great movie).  Afterwards, we went walking along Lake Shore Drive and talked & stuff.  Beautiful night out, really warm, lots of people out, water was cold as hell, I screamed a couple of times cause I thought Mr. D was about to throw me in, we played in the sand with our toes, he told some of his many stories from The Life of Mr. D, I listened intently (at times) while he asked if he was boring me, I lied (God forgive me) and said no, I told one of my stories (about Ques from a party resulting in stitiches in my foot – his uncle is a Que), and I wondered how we can talk for hours during the week, when we are together, and then at night and never seem to run out of things to say.  It’s amazing.  I made it home about 5am – the sun seriously beat me home.  Of all the bad things, arguments, tests of patience/resolve/love for another person – I still like being around him. 

Went to a reggae club with my sisters and my sister’s friend.  You know how guys parking lot pimp?  Well, there was no parking lot so they were corner pimping which irritated me because McD’s a block away was calling my name & I so badly wanted a double cheeseburger.  Standing there waiting for my sisters to stop talking to these random ugly guys, I saw a white chick nearby who was getting felt up by a random black guy and she was surrounded by 2 other black guys.  This guy who felt her up suddenly dived in for a kiss on her lips.  She turned at the last minute so his lips landed on her cheek but I was pissed because he not only tried to kiss her in the mouth but he put up both hands around her head to make sure she didn’t escape.  I told her friend, who was standing nearby, that they should go home.  She said, “why? because we are having fun?”  This white chick actually thought I was hatin’ on her and her friend as if I wanted Ugly I, II, or III.  I said, “no, because she’s drunk”.  Then the drunk friend who was getting her booty rubbed down said, “oh, I’m not drunk.  I have drunk way more plenty of times.”  Oh, my bad…so you actually like ugly guys touching and kissing you.  My apologies.  Finally, my sisters were ready to go so we start walking to our cars when these 2 guys start walking with us.  I turn and say “don’t follow us” and they said “we are just walking you to your car” and I said “it’s cool, we don’t need your help” and we kept walking.  These idiots ignored what I said so I waited till one was close enough to me, I turned quickly, and punched him square in the chest.  Man, that felt good!  He stopped dead in his tracks too.  My sister gasped real loud like I’d just shot him or something.  Then I yelled, go back to the club and stop following us or I will call the police.  They both turned around.  I felt like a b*tch but I dnt like guys who try to pull the wool over women.  I wish I had my weapon on me but I left it in my other purse knowing they prb wouldn’t let me in the club with it.  I’m too small to have such a huge temper.

But, while at the club, guys kept asking me where I’m from.  I’d point my finger down at the ground to indicate “here”.  Chicago.  They looked at me like I was crazy and said, “no, which country?”  I shrugged and said “I honestly do not know”.  They had a puzzled look.  Awww, isn’t that cute!  The fortunate know where their ancestors are from but folks like me can only assume our ancestors are actually from Africa – knowing the exact country is such a blessing in itself.  I then said, “you remember that whole slavery thing? Yeah, I am not sure what country they took my people from.”  Then the message was clear.  When did these club folks get here?  Last week?  Do they not know America’s history?  Hell, most Americans don’t know America’s history so that’s an unfair question.  Went to the Caribbean fest a few weeks ago which I mentioned but I didn’t mention seeing Louis Farrakhan there.  He had an entourage of 5 guys who handed us pamphlets.  One made an effort to stop, stand really close, and speak to me.  It was probably the big silver cross I was wearing around my neck.  He had this whole story about something I can’t remember but then I said, ok, so who killed Malcolm X?” and I waited for his answer looking him in the eyes.  He said “the government” and how the government wants us to think it was something else and how the government was trying to disband our people.  The guy selling oils told me I asked the right question.  The government?  The government cannot divide a united front and I do not care who the front is.  Africans selling their own into slavery but we often want to blame the white man.  Blacks selling out Malcolm X to the government cause they didn’t like him anymore or wasn’t following their rules.  The government likely had the intentions to buy I am sure or else they wouldn’t have been at the shores but capturing the merchandise for them and bring it to the shores is just corrupt.  The government?  Such an insult to my intelligence and it has nothing to do with religion.

This week – work, run, sleep, eat, pray, & have fun!  I am reading my Economic book finally understanding GNP/inflation/and taxes effect on the overall government in actual historical evidence rather than theory as taught in college.  Thinking about going to school for Accounting (seriously just a thought) but I did sign up for more information about Jackson Hewitt tax courses.  Taxes – the rich folks way to sh*t on the government financially.  I should know if my company sell is finalized this Friday.  I sure hope they offer tuition reimbursement.  I think am I refining my next stage in life as far as my career.  Mr. D is closing on a house in the next couple of weeks.  A 6 bedroom house which he will share with his older brothers.  He said they have discussed that if any of them get married that the wives & kids can all live under the same roof a la The Color Purple.  I was partly joking when I asked, “what about me?” but he did say “we have 3 other bedrooms”.  Interesting.  Running Tuesday & then an easy run Thursday morning – race Saturday 🙂

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July 18, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Roles

Relationship update: everything is going surprisingly well.  We have our moments individually and sometimes collectively but, overall, the good moments actually do outweigh the bad ones.  I used to hear people in relationships and marriages says that often but I never really understood how that could possibly be.  When things are bad they tend to be really bad and result in a blog post on my end as I try to make sense of it all, vent, and criticize him in every way I possibly can.  Mr. D said it will be one year this July since we started dating again.  I call it the one year anniversary since he took me out to lunch and dropped me off at home but not before surprising me with a kiss.  Things seem to be flowing but I still have my control issues which rear their little heads often.  Sometimes Mr. D does not want to listen to me so I take offense to that and think to myself, “this is not gonna work” only because he is not doing what I think he should be doing.  My uncle asked about it and I told him what recently happened and how I feel Mr. D gets all “manly” when I wanna take the reins.  He seems to wanna check his penis size in the mirror, drink a gallon of creatine, do a few hundred push-ups, and check his testosterone levels whenever I do this.  I told my uncle that Mr. D does not like a woman in charge over him in any way.  I expected my uncle to say something in agreeance (sp?) with me but, instead, he said “most men don’t”.  What?!

I know the traditional roles women and men tend to fall into.  I know what role the women in my family usually take on.  I know which role my mom played since she first married my dad till now.  I see those roles and I have an immediate identity crisis.  I cook but mainly because I have kids and I feel like it once in a while.  I do not make anything from scratch because it’s just not that serious to me.  I do not loathe anything from a box or can because I flat-out do not care.  And, I do not shop only local organic farmer’s markets because I have more serious things to waste my time on.  Basically, cooking is not a priority to me.  If I do it I do it.  If I don’t I don’t.  I clean.  That is probably the only thing I do well is clean but that’s partly because I like to control where things are, how they are organized, how clean things are, and how sanitized or neat my area is.  Clean up behind others?  Only my kids and that expired a short time ago.  Some roles are not required nowadays but Mr. D is a traditional person who likes women who cook and clean and things of that nature.  Clearly, I do not think he is concerned and I have made it clear that I will not conform to any sexist expectations.  Cooking and cleaning are fun things both parties can share but the main issue still involves where I love to dabble.  Money.

I have never required a certain amount of money or account balance or portfolio.  I just think that each person should be allowed to exercise their strengths to the betterment of the relationship.  I guess I want control where men rarely give it.  I want not only a say in the finances but also the final decision in all financial matters.  I do not agree with letting a man be a man when it comes to finances.  Not every man is equipped to handle money.  And, I know that every woman should support his decisions but I this is not “what to cook for dinner tonight?”.  This is a little more serious – in my opinion.  Each day, week, month that goes by I learn a little bit more about Mr. D and his finances.  From the outside, you would assume he has money because he loves certain brand names which stand for quality.  Under the surface, he could use a little help.  I know I talk finances a lot and this is not the only post I’ve written about it but I wonder how much emphasis to place on this category when he seems to get A’s in every thing else.  The good thing is that he answer every single one of my probing questions even my indirect ones which do not really ask how much in dollars but how many so I can do the calculation in my head and come to an answer. 

I butt heads with my dad often before he passed away.  He raised me to be an independent thinker, focused on my studies, and impervious to any obstacle that stood in my way whether it be gender roles, tradition, men, racism, or economic class.  We butt heads because his gender roles only applied to my mom but never to me.  But, I wonder what he would say now.  In this situation.  My dad controlled all the finances.  My mom was powerless and had to ask him for money.  My mom was the dumb wife most women were back then (and now) who thought cooking and cleaning was enough completely trusting of their husbands without a dime to their own name if he decided to leave (which he did).  Nowadays, most men do not want a woman who just cooks & cleans.  One of my friends does that.  She brags about how good a cook she is and how she cleans well but her boyfriend can’t stand how he is financially dependent on him & how absentminded she is because she’d lose her head if it wasn’t connected to her neck.  I wish Mr. D was a little more aware or smart about his finances but now he does seem to hear me about something as trivial as grocery shopping instead of spending $20-30/day on take-out food.  As much as he hates when I am right, outline all the reasons why he should be doing “A” instead of “B” with his money, and warn him of all the pitfalls that await him if he does not change some of his ways….he does not get angry at me.  So, maybe it’s as much him needing time to accept that money is not an every man role just as cooking is not an every woman role.   I hate roles anyways.  And, I hate that my vagina is supposed to automatically pre-qualify me for something I do not want to do. 

But, he still loves me and I do pick my battles (translation: I only get on him some of the time and it’s still his money not “ours”.)  I do think submission goes both ways though 🙂

May 16, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Stress

Sometimes I wonder where all the regular folks went.  Growing up, we had our own little circle of people who talked about home, relationships, marriage, finances, love, work, school, kids, church, God, sex, food, clothing, fashion, technology, etc with honesty.  Now, I keep running into people who want to talk about things that do not matter like celebs, movies, music, etc.  I knew what to expect from life because people talked about their lives openly.  A few weeks ago, a friend asked if I thought she was conceited.  I told her “yes”.  She thanked me for my honesty and I thought the conversation was over until she had to ask “why”.  I told her.  In return, she told me how she felt about me and gave me her honest opinion about a number of things.  I appreciated the feedback and, on some things, I took her advice.  On others, the jury is still out.  I find that I like life more when I am surrounded by people who are real honest about life.  I do not handle stress well….as you can tell.  I never have been good at handling stress.  It scared me, confused me, shook my foundation, and left me confused on where I was supposed to go.  I grew up sheltered by many standards but exposed to the harsh realities within my own home. 

My family is in shambles.  My sister who asked for the $180 went to get her hair done for her and her boyfriend’s 1 yr anniversary while eventually she will complain about being broke and running low on insulin.  My mom is crazy (literally sometimes).  She took out a life insurance policy on my sister because she is convinced her live-in boyfriend is going to kill her.  My mom is in a deep financial hole.  She has struggled with finances from day one and, when God gave her a way out, her spent that on a necklace (thanks Kanye).  She doesn’t qualify for a certain type of bankruptcy and works her life away trying to stay afloat.  My step-dad is an alcoholic.  He has one DUI that I know of, had his license taken away, got a fake license under his brother’s information (identify theft), and has wrecked maybe 3 cars this year so far.  He wrecked this recent car which my mom put in her name (about the time she asked me to buy her a car) and is still driving illegally around Chicago reminding me of the several fatal accidents of drivers with DUIs on the road who killed pedestrians.  My other sister is pregnant without money and her current baby daddy is in jail for whatever reason and all she has is her Link (food stamps) card and whatever agency pays her rent every month.  My ex-hubby is still out of work and still always out partying, eating out, and living it up without so much of $5 in the mail for his kids.  My brother’s prom is next month and he was promised a car but since our step-dad has no license and my mom refuses to let him drive anything but a big wheel, he is screwed and pissed.  My bro is mad at me for not taking his exam for him, he is mad at my parents for not taking him to get his license (or at least take one of the exams), and he is mad that he will not get his shiny new car to rent for prom.  I sound pretty damn normal in comparison.

This is why I do not come around family too much because my head begins to hurt, my heart races, I feel like I can’t breathe, and I wanna cry because they stress me out sometimes.  Yeah, I sound weak.  No, I do not need to toughen my skin and no I do not need to get stronger.  It’s not a matter of me letting them stress me out (at least I don’t think so).  It’s a matter of caring about a bunch of stupid people so much their failures hurt too much.  They are too stupid to see their mistakes.  If I help, I begin to carry their burdens because they will all come with a hand outstretched.  If I stay away from family, my actions are misinterpreted as anything but positive.  That is what I have chosen thus far.  Some things will never perfectly align and connect every dot or even compute.  Some things just refuse to feel right.  My life in its soon-to-be solo state of just me and my kids (until summer vacation) is perfectly peaceful.  No one’s calls to screen, no one’s text messages to ignore, no one’s FB status’ to roll my eyes at, and no one to delete so I do not see their tweets.  If I could, I’d make my blog accessible to folks I approve only but that requires too much work and may be counterproductive.  I wish I had the time to write about health care, immigration (can these folks just get a damn SS card?!), drugs, violence, gangs, economy, politics, or Wall Street.  I read other blogs for those posts.  Right here at least for right now, I feel like talking about what’s going on in my own backyard with my own blood and my own people. 

And yes, I do not anticipate this relationship lasting….he is pissing me off weekly now.  I shake my head oftentimes wondering why I am destined to be single for life.  I tell him to quit his job because he is their slave….he acts like it was his idea.  He runs a business but his employees run him to the point where he must stay nearby to check on them as if they are infants instead of grown men.  I told him to fire them.  He says “they have families”.  I say “they don’t care about their families to skip half a day at work without notice”.  They show up to work when they want to, complain about him to his brother, his brother has to cuss them out to get them back on track, and then he has to pay them out of his savings account.  It’s bad business all the way around but my degree in management means little to his years of entrepreneurial/management skills.  He even asked me if he could do my job.  I replied “yes but they require a college degree first and you have to pass a test to even get an interview”.  He said he was only asking cause he likes computers.  I like math but that doesn’t mean I am good at it!  I told Mr. D I would never hire him to manage anything of mine so why would a relationship work?!  Is that not a form of business with love as the foundation? 

No IRA, no 401k, no investments, upside down on your car, not enough savings to carry you thru a lay-off because you use it to pay lazy employees, a business barely in the black, and more expenses than income…yes, we can talk about everything else that is all cutesy and girlie because that is what will make me happy.  But, when I outline all the ways in which your ship is sinking either now or later, he says I am getting too personal.  Money is personal.  Being an entrepeneur with business cards and driving a Lexus is a front.  You are no more wealthy than the crackhead outside your door.  You just have a better chance of getting that small business loan than he does.  But, his money matters are too personal because I struck a chord when I said “I am right”.  Of course we aren’t retiring at the age of 65 anymore so you might have another 20 yrs but time is the valuable component available to you when it comes to retirement esp when you are about 30 yrs from the traditional retirement age which means you will have to set aside more monthly than someone 21 yrs of age would to play catch-up.  Compound interest.  Time.  With little savings, no retirement account, and existing debt with the hopes of children….this is one fool who is too arrogant to listen to some skinny divorcee chick who runs miles for fun and can see a liability before it sees itself.  But, most black men are always complaining that black women do not see the potential.  I see potential but I also see defiance and refusal to listen.  It’s not always about who is the head of the household.  Where is the respect?  Why do I care more about your financial future than you do?  And who pays a car off just to buy another one?  Idiot!

I still pray for them.  I honestly haven’t prayed in forever but I started again because someone needs to pray and since it’s my family I guess that someone is me.  Mr. D?  He’s a man….they figure these things out naturally.  Isn’t that what that Y chromosome is for?  Let them tell it…

May 3, 2010 Posted by | Life, Love | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Maybe It’s Just me…

So, Bibi made a comment on my The Best post and it got me to thinking about why things didn’t work out.  I mean I was really thinking hard…until today.  Don’t you just hate when you second guess yourself and wonder if you are really as crazy as everyone says you are.  Nope, I think I am completely in my right mind and I will tell you why.  Maybe I am waaaay off but some things just didn’t sit too well with me.  No, it’s not one of those “he’s a decent man so I gotta find something wrong”.  It’s really about my comfort level but, again, I could be wrong.  I have been wrong before.

The guy is 37 yrs old and he lives with his 44 yr old half-brother (they have the same dad).  They have lived together for at least 10 yrs.  They were living in a townhouse in the suburbs of Chicago but moved into an apartment in the city a few yrs later.  I’ve been friends with this guy for 2 yrs so I knew about his living arrangement but I never questioned it and he never discussed it any further.  We start dating, he asks me to come over, he cooks dinner, his brother is there, we all eat around the table, and things are fine until I notice some feminine mannerisms from the 44 yo bro.  I thought it was a fluke until I witnessed it the 2nd time I came over for dinner and when we all went out for my birthday.  His bro was telling some story that had him pretty upset.  He did the neck roll, smacked his mouth like only Bonshaquita can, threw his hand in the air like “girl yeah!”, and I swear my jaw hit the floor.  I looked at my date, back at his bro, looked at his bro’s date, back to the bro, and back at my date all the while thinkin, “am I the only one seeing this?!?!”  I brought it to the attention of my date afterwards and, needless to say, he was upset at what I was insinuating.  All I wanted to know was how is this normal for a man?? He didn’t stay mad at me (actually, he never stays mad at me) and I never brought it up again.

After that, I began to question his bro’s past relationships.  His bro was dating some chick who was pregnant with his twins but she had a miscarriage and lost both babies.  That’s all I know about her.  He has been with “ol’ girl” (the chick from the night of my birthday) for about 5 yrs and nothing serious has come from it.  He is 44 yrs old like I mentioned earlier, no kids, and never been married.  He is very much into fashion because everything has to have a certain brand name or it will never find its way into his closet.  He even bought my date a Louis Vuitton (sp?) hat & scarf set which is actually pretty freaking fierce but its fierce in a Atlanta Project Runway Queer Eye for the Straight Guy type of way….you know?  Anywho, this bro asks about me often and I really do like him and he seem to like me.  The problem is not the bro though….I was just painting a picture of my initial suspicions.  The problem is what my date told me today.  He said that they are moving from their apartment in the city back into a nearby suburb into a house.  A house.  I asked if they were buying or renting and he said buying since it’s a buyers market.  I know my date’s credit score….he can’t qualify for a mortgage now much less before the crisis when they were handing them out so I know it will mainly be in his bro’s name.  Now, he had mentioned moving back into the suburbs months ago.  During this time I asked a very important question: “what if you or your bro get married one day?  Then what?”  He says: “well, I hope she gets along with my bro and we can all live together”. One big happy family! 

Now, I was just asking this to know and he was just telling me to answer my question.  He didn’t ask how I’d feel about it.  He didn’t water down his answer.  He asked it outright without hesitation.  Ok.  So, you and your bro are buying a home together after living together for at least 10 yrs already.  Neither of you married, no kids between the two of you, and no one seems to have had a serious relationship during this entire 10 yr span.  Here I was thinking, “he is an awesome guy!  Why is he single?!”  You know you hate that question because it sounds so corny and lame but, seriously, I was truly wondering why.  I think I found an answer.  One of my older female friends said my date has clearly shown me his bro is in his life with no intentions on going anywhere and my date has no desire at all in having a serious relationship with a woman.  Of course he said she can move in but what woman will do that?!  Ok, that’s not fair.  I wouldn’t want to do that!  I have 2 kids so there’s me, you, my 2 kids, and this man who is related to you walking around the same house, sharing the same living space, & all up in our relationship.  I don’t know about that.

This was today when I learned they are going ahead with the move.  Now, I don’t suspect my former date is homosexual but I can understand why people may think that or even suspect he’s bisexual.  We have remained friends because he is truly an awesome person but I just needed to know if I was trippin, being a little judgemental, overly critical, quick to make a decision, and/or not giving it enough time to work itself out.  If he is not gay then there is def something I can’t put my finger on.  I know guys who have lived together thru college, after college, etc but once one or both find that special lady then they move out and go their separate ways while maintaining their friendship.  The normal progression of life where man meets girl, man falls for girl, man married girl, and man moves in with girl.  This is a weird situation when the brothers are living together and want the girl to be ok with adding this arrangement to her life and not them willing to give it up.  I’m going to post this, read it again, and just let things be.  I remember he told me that his brother and I are the closest people to him but he doesn’t tell his bro all that he tells me so how close can you two really be?!  To someone out there, maybe this is normal.  Maybe it is just me and I kinda pray it is just me.

January 29, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

He Played Me

Human_Cello_by_DanielGnomesHere I am trying to be a good mommy, a good woman, a good person, and considerate of what I would if it was me.  You know that whole “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” line?  Well, that’s what I am doing.  You know that stigma most babymamas have about being greedy money hungry chicks using child support money to get their nails done, etc?  Well, I was thinking about that too although I’m an ex-wife not a babymama.  Every summer my ex-hubby has the boys for about two months but this is the first summer where the court ordered child support is in play.  I decided, since he will have the boys for my much needed Me Time, to return the child support payments back to him since support is for the children which I will not have for that time frame.  Some people call me a white girl because I often do things most black chicks would never do such as voluntarily give money back when I don’t have to.  It was never about someone making me do it.  Someone making me do what is right (imo) should not be forced although he is forced to pay child support because I know how he is….he won’t voluntarily pay shyt.  That’s him.  Not me.  That’s your soul.  Not mine.

There hasn’t been any real drama to discuss in the one year we have been divorced until now.  This muthafucka had the audacity to email me last Tuesday to tell me he is moving within 45 minutes of Chicago, that he has found a daycare for the kids, and how he really hated his job but will start working at the local casino the upcoming Monday.  This was last Tuesday.  Today is Thursday.  I usually transfer the child support money from my bank account into his which cleared last Tuesday afternoon.  He conveniently sent this damn email Tuesday evening….coincidence?  I don’t put shyt pass trifflin ass men.  So, he emails me Tuesday to tell me he is moving (with our boys) further north closer to Chicago but all I was focused on is his freakin job.  In this email he said his company was going bankrupt, he wasn’t having an effect on sales (he worked in Sales), and he absolutely hated his job.  Who voluntarily quits a job during a recession when erbody and they mama is unemployed, laid off, and living off the government trying to make ends meet?  Who does that?!  This muthafucka right here!  Because he hated his job.  Grown ass men still needing a pacifier.  Excuse the cuss words for this post y’all.

I called his company the next day (last Wednesday) to talk to him but his voicemail said he was out of the office for the day so I spoke to the operator who told me that the company did not go bankrupt but was actually bought by another company.  I asked about laid off employees and she reassured me that no one had or will lose their jobs…no changes were made other than corporate structure and management.  This muthafucka just quit!  I call his cell phone…no answer.  He emails me the next evening talking about he can express his self better through email than over the phone.  Pussy ass punk.  Aight, well since words convey what you mean better than speech then let me call my attorney to file some papers I’m sure your ass will clearly understand.  He answers the phone.  He says he will be closer to the kids so he will be able to get them every other weekend like the divorce outlines.   Fan-fuckin-tastic but the divorce outlines visitation every other weekend as well as child support….not in lieu of.  After some probing questions on my part, I find out he is moving to this new city to live with his new girlfriend who told him about this new daycare and she will be picking up my boys (along with her two rugrats) from daycare when he works late.  I feel like I’m about to get all nigger’ish up in here.  This bytch gon’ do what?!  I don’t even know her but she living with my kids and will be transporting my kids??  Anyone who has kids know the paperwork required to allow ANYONE to care for and transport your children just down the damn street and I’m supposed to feel safe doing so with a stranger?  Yeah….ok.

He reassured me that she is not insane, I can meet her if I want to, and she is not gonna hurt the kids.  I know she won’t if the bytch wanna live to see tomorrow but my main issue is with him and I told him so.  He played me.  Played me with his carefully planned move to another city using child support money I gave him when, now, getting child support when the kids return is highly unlikely.  Why?  Because this fool ain’t working!  The alleged job that was to start this Monday did not and the casino now has no positions in that department.  So, he is waiting for the next training class to **drum roll please** deal cards at the tables in the casino!!  You left a Sales position with a salary in downtown Indianapolis to purposefully throw cards on a table for a living.  What do you do for a living?  I throw cards on a green table.  Oh wow! Impressive!  He lied to me by intentionally telling me maybe a quarter of the truth.  He feels I don’t need to know who he has around the kids because he has good judgement.  And he thinks since I make more money than he does missing a few child support payments won’t hurt me much.  Bullshyt! 

And that’s it.  Here I am trying to make sure my boys have a fun summer with their dad knowing his daycare costs are significantly cheaper that it’s damn near free but I still return the full payment to him.  Now this fool will be living rent free with his girlfriend, unemployed until a green table opens up for his highly-ambitious-reach-for-the-stars career goals, planning to drop our boys off as scheduled mid-August, not have any plan on paying me child support until a green table does open up, but he will see them every weekend until his broke ass runs out of gas money then it’s another shit covered excuse freshly pulled from his ass.  I was told to wait and see if he voluntarily sends support payments but I know him and he has NEVER sent shyt voluntarily.  August 15th is the weekend the boys are supposed to come back to me.  Well, since he blew the support money moving his ass up north and making such a fan-fuckin-tastic career move then he can extend his Daddy Daycare esp since he unemployed.  Why should I pay daycare here when you laying on your ass up there?!  One time when being the good woman has not paid off.  One time when being a bytch in every sense of the word would have covered my ass and assets.  I’m pissed and I feel stupid as fuck.  Trusting him to do right simply because I did.  He played me and ain’t shit I can do now but learn from it and get my attorney to handle it.  I hope they lock his ass up and I got his tax check next year.  Too damn old for these childish silly ass games.

July 23, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | 5 Comments

Think Like A Man

getpageimageThis is the second time I have seen Steve Harvey on T.V. talking about his bestseller book, “Act like a lady – Think like a man“.  He was on Oprah the other day and on Tyra yesterday giving an overview of his book and helping some women in the audience (or calling in) with their questions about why men act like men.  I haven’t read the book but I know most men (and some women) think the book reveals information we always knew but some women choose to ignore or deny.  There were three things I saw from his appearance on Tyra that  I really liked:

Number One: When he met his girlfriend’s “guy” and the guy told Steve that him and Steve’s daughter were just kickin it.  So, Steve calls his daughter in to let her know that all this time she was being “kicked with” instead of dated like she thought.  Allegedly she ended the relationship the next day.  I don’t know how many times men have said, “I just wanna kick it” or “we can hang out” or “I need my freedom”.  But, right after that they say, “but we can have sex ya’ know” or “I’m here for you when you need me” or “having sex don’t mean you are a hoe”.  Yeah.  That obviously worked on someone in his recent past if he is still using it with such confidence.

Number Two: Every man needs to feel like he brings something to the table, to a woman’s life, and/or to a relationship.  If a woman has her own money, can take care of her home and kids, does not need him for anything other than companionship then a man will not feel needed.  For some reason, men need to be needed or they suffer from some male-ego-twisted-insecurity.  There are three P’s that a man must do to show or prove he loves you – profess, provide, and protect.  He will profess his love for you because most men are territorial and want their guys to know you are theirs in a sense.  If not, if he doesn’t sorta pee around his area then he ain’t that into you.  He will want to or feel a need to provide for you as his woman.  He will want to and will protect you as the man.  If he doesn’t do any of these three, according to the book, then he does not love you as he claims.  However, Steve did reiterate that the way a guy shows his love for a woman can be the exact opposite of how a woman shows her love for a man.

Number Three: Steve told us about his wife.  While they were dating, she knew Steve was simply “kickin it” with her and that his goals as far as a relationship did not align with his.  She had kids and a career and desired someone who could step into the man role in her life and become a step-father to her kids.  Anything else was not something she wanted.  She told Steve that she loved him still but she realized that what she wanted and what he wanted were two different things so it was time for her to move on.  She told him where she’d be and, if she was still available, he can reach out to her if he eventually got to that point in his life.  Fast forward….they were married a year later because he didn’t wanna lose her.  Steve did say men don’t take kindly to ultimatums but, in this situation, she was simply stating what he already knew and had made known to her….his goals did not align with hers.  Not a bad thing to point but it can be if you live in denial for years knowing he will never want a commitment.

I likely won’t buy the book or read it if someone gave it to me because….why should I?  I get tired of understanding men.  I get tired of the arguments when I attempt to.  I get tired of being blamed for something I did not or had not intended to do.  I get tired of my way of showing love being misinterpreted into hate and nothing else unless we wanna throw “selfish” in there or “assuming”.  Or, how about my favorite….let’s wait for the stars to shine green in the night sky, for the sun to radiate cold instead of heat, for the sea creatures to live on land, and for the birds to live underwater….then that is a CLEAR sign that a guy should remove his tail from between his legs and use his balls for something other than storing his useless swimmy friends.  Unless someone writes an instruction manual then I don’t care what men think or how they think because, right now, I doubt most of them think at all.  Maybe I should write a book about crap we already know like, “Death comes to us all”….really? And here I am thinking we were all immortal!  Whaddya know!

March 25, 2009 Posted by | Love, Men | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

New Age Dating

It’s 2009 and things have officially shifted a bit as far as relationships go.  Men are crying more now.  Getting in touch with their feminine side and doing so in front of their significant other.  Men actually have feelings and are revealing that they too have been hurt or are still hurt from past relationships.  Men are falling in love and actually telling their guys that they are in love with her over there.  Men are doing what I never thought or expected them to do….they are acting like women.  Women were always the emotional ones.  The heart-on-their-sleeve ones.  The but-I-love-him ones.  Now, the tables have either turned, men are starting to break inside from the hard exterior and fascade they put up, or women are more accepting and welcoming of a man who shows his feelings. 

42-17711463In an argument I had with a guy, he stated that he has feelings too.  That he was hurt as well as I and ask if it ever occurred to me that there are two people involved in this.  Actually….no.  I knew you were there but I never knew we’d be feeling and expressing the same emotions at the same time.  It kinda caught me off guard but it was refreshing as well.  It’s like seeing Superman bleed when you always thought he was made of steel.  You are surprised, then worried, then confused, and then you see him as human just like you.  I never had a problem with a guy showing emotions but, dammit, this is when I can shed my tears and get some sympathy!  If we are both ranting and raving then what the hell?!  So, seeing and hearing him vent made me sit in silence and listen.  I listened because this really had my undivided attention and I wanted to hear what this new aged man had to say.

I always knew I could hurt and that hurt could result in pain but I never thought men hurt as well.  I knew they did but, at the same time, I thought they didn’t.  It’s like that whole if-a-tree-falls-in-a-forest-and-no-one-hears-it question.  Does it really happen if you never see or hear about it?  Interesting.  This leads me to my topic for today….this new aged man has begun a new aged trend….women dating men.  Women asking men out for dates more than before.  Women paying for dates.  Women setting aside a day for him to dote on and cater to him.  Women leaving him notes to let him know she is thinking about him.  Women pursuing him.  Totally, in my opinion, goes against the whole “a man that findeth a wife finds a good thing”.  How does he find her if she was busy making sure he saw her by positioning herself in his line of vision where he had little choice but to at least acknowledge her?

It draws a very thin line and threatens to uproot the essence of what makes a man.  Does being a man mean you must be the one asking for the date?  Paying the date?  Making sure she has every need and desire taken care of?  If not, then who is the head of the household now?  Does not the man take care of the overall running of the house?  How can he do so if, while dating, the woman took a dominate role?  Will the man step back into the shadows and hand over this authority God gave him?  Now, I have never taken a guy out on a date.  Never.  I don’t remember paying for anything unless it was a guy friend for his birthday….then, it was my treat.  Just tending to a guy for no reason other than just because is…new.  

As a woman, I like being pursued or chased…it makes me feel admired and/or wanted whether I actually want him back or not it doesn’t matter.  Is it time for women to return the favor?  Time we show our men appreciation?  What if you don’t have a man?  What then?  My reservation is that a man will accept you taking him out, spending your hard earned money on them in an effort to pursue him when, in the end, they aren’t interested.  How do guys do this all the time?!  Rejection is something I am not prepared for.  Everyone has their own opinions on this and I am sure men will applaud women stepping in their shoes and doing some legwork to get their attention but I guess it begs to reiterate something I read recently: to get something you have never had you must do something you have never done.  Is he really worth it? 

To jump over the fence and mingle with the guys for a moment, I have heard and read that most of our African American men tend to favor women of other races because they know how to take care of their men.  Most (I said most) African American women refuse to do anything close to what other women do until she has something solid in place like a label of a relationship and/or a ring (insert Beyonce’s song here).  I see both sides and I agree with both sides knowing that neither side will completely agree with the other and give up their stance but hope that either side will learn to compromise somewhat on their expectations.  Most women aren’t willing to give up so much for the notion that “he might one day” and most men aren’t willing to go without with the notion that “she will one day”.  Stop being selfish.  Quit being skeptical.  Cease the fear.  Open the lines of communication and kill the lies!  The only game I wanna play with you is Monopoly and even then your azz better pay up if you even THINK of landing on my Boardwalk!

March 18, 2009 Posted by | Love, Men | , , , | Leave a comment

Wild Hare & Men

reggaeSaturday (the time for this blog is kinda off from my own time) I finally stopped being a lil baby and went to my scheduled dentist appt!  I have about $600 sitting in my medical flex account from 2008 that expires March of 2009 so that was an added incentive to use that money … in addition to the pain I was feeling too.  So, my appt was at 8am…I swear he hit a nerve in my gum that made me wanna cry!  He gave me more Novocain (sp?) and continued working….I wasn’t there long but, when I left, that one tooth was irritating the hell outta me AND I had other stuff to do before I could go home.  I stopped by Walgreens to fill my Vicoden (sp?) prescription just in case I needed it in the next hour or so….went to my mom’s house to pick up my mail and check some docs for her….then I went home.  I took two pills and curled up and went to sleep. 

I was supposed to go to Indianapolis for my soror’s birthday party but I severely underestimated the fatigue I felt after my dentist appt and, when I woke up after about 4 hours, my tooth was still aching.  I was not up for going esp since taking Vicoden is not a good idea to do with driving….something about mental fogginess is what the dental assistant told me….didn’t wanna test that theory out so I stayed home.  Well, another soror was in town for her and her husband’s anniversary. They were going to Flat Top Grill and wanted me to come too.  I took some more meds….jumped in the shower….did my hair (all 3 inches of it)….and made my way to the restaurant.  We had sooooooo much fun!  For once I was the youngest one in the group and the only non-married one, too. 

I swear we stayed there for about 3 hours sitting and talking and eating before we made our way to Wild Hare….a reggae club up north.  This was my first time there and my first time in a club since…..oh, October maybe when I went to the Buddha Lounge for a Super Heros of  Sound performance.  How was Wild Hare?  On this particular Saturday night it was penis-grinding-trifflin’ness.  Not a word but this is my blog so, as Tina Fey said, “suck it!”  These dudes were barely my height and I never leave the house to go out without heels, they grabbed hold of my body and pressed so hard against them I thought we broke skin, and then they started grinding REALLY hard….I felt waaaaay too much penis and had to push every single one off me!  One guy bought me a bottle of water, I drank that sucka like it was the last thing I was gonna drink but I didn’t throw the bottle  away…..I held on to it and used it to bait these dudes away.  Yes, I was hitting dudes with an empty water bottle….get your penis off me!!

Soon I was dancing solo and loving it….I was just feeling the music, listening to the live band, and moving my body to my own rthymn….they had an excellent sax player.  Eventually I’d feel penis on my azz and rolled my eyes as this dumb dude has just interrupted my moment, threw me off beat, and pissed me off at the same time.  Did my azz call you??  Did my azz call your penis??  I ddin’t think so….BOP!…..get off me!  My married sorors thought it was all funny as they danced with their husbands whose penises they wanted grinding on them….this is what happens when you go out as a fifth wheel….you abuse men with an empty water bottle!

Well, that was my day and night.  Today (writing this Sunday morning) is Superbowl Sunday…who am I rooting for?  The Cardinals.  Why?  Because I love the underdogs!  Sunday school first….then church service….then Superbowl in that order.  AND, this month is African American history month so ppl at church will be dressed in their Kunta Kinta attire of which I have none so I will not bother to unwrap my hair….just cover it with a solid colored head wrap….put on some big hoop earrings….wear something as close to sheet material as I can find and be that for the day.  That is African, right?  Probably not but I ain’t about to go buy anything either….my skin is African American so I will just wear me dammit!  Ok, my tooth is starting to throb again….more meds and sleep and it will officially be all that she wrote. 

Next blog coming to a monitor near you?  Trifflin men!  Tell the truth you bastards!  Just phucking tell the dang truth! Over and out….

February 1, 2009 Posted by | Me | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment