32B's Blog

…where I write my words


April 21st I started crying on the phone for a reason but, in hindsight, for no real reason.  April 22nd I started the day with an attitude and made sure I was being heard whether it was a work day or not so I don’t care if you have to walk outside the office to talk cause your co-workers might hear me yelling.  Arpil 23rd I was supreme biatch!  Mr. D came over after working a good 12 hours (his fault not mine), I had an attitude, he left, I called him back (he was going to listen to me), this fool smart man answered the phone just for me to break up with him.  April 24th Aunt Flow came to visit and I couldn’t understand why I said some of the things I had said or even why I had cried over trivial things.  I mean I literally cried boo-hoo tears.  In the previous months, Mr. D had mentioned my mood swings but simply stated “I just need to know how to handle them” as if they were a walk in the park.  As time went on (we’ve known each other for quite a while), he’d drop hints here and there about what the date of the month was, he asked “not to be funny, but do you know when you’re being emotional?”, and even said really softly (low in volume) that it gets hard for him to handle sometimes.  That last statement was loud and clear.  Everything else before that time kinda went in one ear and out the other.  I guess it was the way the words were said gently as if not to hurt my feelings or carefully knowing a tigress could pounce at any time.  Either way, I felt bad.  I actually broke up with him for a weekend.  We talked that following Monday.  We were back on again. 

My ex-hubby never mentioned it.  I haven’t really spent a significant amount of time with any other guy to be called out on it.  I go to work, sit there quietly working, I eat with everyone for lunch, I speak occasionally, but I tell myself I am keeping to myself because they might piss me off and I’m not in the mood.  I think Mr. D is out of his mind.  He is trying to make me look psycho.  He is trying to bamboozle me.  He is an idiot.  That’s exactly what it is….a man trying to tell me (a woman) that I have a condition because heaven forbid there’s anything wrong with his narrow behind so I need help when he probably need patience, tolerance, and tissue when I feel like crying which is what women do.  We cry.  My mood on the 24th was lovely.  It was a weekend, I was chillin, relaxing at home, just enjoying life.  I called a friend of mine who works in health care.  I explained everything and even things I have done/said months previous and she suggested I talk to my doctor but thought birth control pills might be a good solution.  In her experience, she has seen worse but she does agree that my emotional state complete with crying, yelling, cussing even, and just acting a fool was not abnormal.  One of her co-workers has a daughter who did the same thing (sans crying).  She was unbearable during those times and, for a while, her parents thought she was bipolar because almost instantly she’d be fine again.  When the daughter started taking BCP, her mood swings got better.  Not sure if they totally disappeared but her mom says they stopped fighting and she didn’t “go off” like she normally did. 

I do not like birth control of any form.  In my opinion, it’s unnatural.  I have never had problems with cramps, heavy bleeding, or mood swings (imo) so I was fine.  My period started like clockwork every 4 weeks on the same day.  If it was early, it’s a day or two early.  If it was late, it was 3 or 4 days late.  No biggie.  Having been on BCP before, I didn’t like the side effects.  I didn’t like the hormones.  I didn’t like how it messed up my perfect cycle.  But, I told her I would consider it if my doctor suggested them.  I asked another lady much older.  She told me she drinks wine during those times.  What the hell does wine do for a hormonal imbalance?  I do not know.  Wine?  Alcohol?  That is your solution?! 

I have not made an appointment with my doctor yet and it takes a few weeks to even get in to see her but I will just to say I did.  What I find funny is that women in health care freely talk about this even saying loud and clear that PMS and mood swings are real but regular women do not talk about it.  Is it taboo?  Shameful?  I haven’t found a topic I won’t talk about so of course I am not bothered.  Sometimes I know I am being emotional either through my writing or through my actions.  How can you explain crying?  I am not even a crier most times.  I am still a “natural” person who would prefer a drug-free existence.  I still do not think my moods swing that much.  But ask me that in about 3 weeks.  Thinking about it, I sometimes feel like I am crazy or bipolar.  My friend explained it in a better way using medical terms and terminology which made me feel validated.  I called Mr. D and apologized.  He laughed and asked if I needed more ice cream.  I told him to stop that because it’s fattening than anything but I appreciated his attempts to help.  Is this really a medical issue requiring medicine?  Or can I just avoid the world for the 3 or 4 days beforehand?  Maybe it’s all in my head.


May 2, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments