32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Life After 4 Miles

Today, I went running outside for the first time in months.  Usually, I’m running to catch the train on my way to work but today I ran for no reason other than to run.  I needed to go to the bank so I ran 2 miles there and then 2 miles back.  It wasn’t as cold as it has been here so the 30 degree weather felt awesome.  My foot slid a little each time I hit some snow or ice but it was no big deal.  I made it to the bank and smiled at the two handsome sexy Boricuas behind the counter.  Eye candy!  One is married.  Not sure about the other.  I just smile and try not to stare too hard.  Then one smiled at me and I think I physically melted.  I know it goes against nature, physics, chemistry, probably even biology but his smile made me melt and I wanted to find his wife and tell her how much I hate her (lol).  Lucky chick!  I made it home with about 15 minutes to spare before it was time to pick up Thing 2 from pre-school so I stretched.  My legs were slightly fatigued since I haven’t used them in this way in quite some time but I felt good overall.  No music.  Just ran. 

When I was getting dressed, I felt excited.  I literally ran through the events of the last day or so and knew I needed to run to clear my mind.  Kind of purge my brain of all useless crap that’s sitting in there.  A massive delete.  Some people apologize for deleting things, folks, actions from their lives.  Either I’m cold-hearted or I truly believe people know they were never supposed to be a permanent part of my existence so why should I apologize?  I laced up my shoes and looked in the mirror at myself.  I had a kid, got married, had another kid, got divorced…..now I’m doing things I want to do.  I smiled, laughed, jumped around, and did a horrible little dance in my bedroom.  This is what I do every now and then.  I get excited about my life as it currently stands and thank God I have time to actually get to the part of doing what I want to do.  Seriously, how horrible would life be if all I ever did was to please others?  I’d be uber depressed constantly.

I don’t talk to lots of my friends I went to college with in Indiana.  The only reason I can give is that life has taken us on our own individual journeys.  They are getting married, having kids, going to pursue advanced degrees, etc.  Apart from the advanced degree (of which I doubt I want to finish but that’s another story), we have nothing in common.  I don’t want to talk about what the kids are doing, what exciting things they said, or even their extracurricular activities.  I don’t wanna talk about entrance exams, salaries, bonuses, and lay-offs.  I don’t wanna talk about spouses, the latest argument, paying the mortgage, and the in-laws.  Remember when we used to talk about things concerning us?  Remember who we were before the kids, marriage, degrees, etc?  Remember when we used to identify with something but, over time, we gained things we had to identify with?  I’m pass the kids, marriage, degrees, even sorority (in some sense) phase or chapters of life.  Now, when one calls and wants to talk about trying to get into law school, the latest sorority event, what the kid did in school, what amazingly cute something was made, and how the spouse is doing that annoying thing he always does…..I zone out temporarily. 

I’d love to live a simple life complete with my kids, running, computing, great food, sunsets, outdoors, and fun however we decide to define that.  What I really want out of life does not involve getting married again because all the dates I’ve been on lately consist of hotmessness (yes, that’s a word in some world).  OAN, I did end up getting the LG Optimus phone which I think falls under the Android smartphone category.  I honestly do not know what I did before it!  My fav apps thus far are Pandora and Bible verses.  I listen to music so often I have to literally carry my charger with me.  I sometimes sit late at night and just browse through Bible verses sometimes reading my favorite ones and I am convinced John 17 is poetic…it makes me cry every time!  And, I can send verses to people via email or text and I can post to FB or Twitter.   I don’t do the latter because it irritates me when other people do that.  I don’t know why but it does.  Weird.

January 25, 2011 Posted by | Life | , | Leave a comment

Afraid –> Excited

Today I want to cry because I am afraid.  I am supposed to get my kids back for the summer this weekend but I mentally feel like I have not had enough “Me Time”.  It sounds selfish to non-parents and probably to other parents but I can’t pretend to care right now.  I submitted my application for graduate school, sent in requests for transcripts, and even looked at classes I can take this semester.  I am afraid I cannot do it.  Working full-time, running part-time training for the Chicago Half, having the kids full-time, & trying to have a social life….I’m not sure I can fit in being a part-time student.  However, I really want to take classes and I know this is the moment I have been planning for.  I had no idea when it would come but I knew it would so I waited.  Not always patiently but I waited still.  Being busy keeps my mind busy and keeps drama low in my life because I do not have the tolerance for it.  I swear too much time or sitting idly is a recipe for disaster. 

I told a friend that I was afraid.  That I didn’t know if I could pull it off.  That I’d actually have to find a evening sitter, make the commute downtown, sit in class for almost 3 hours, make the commute back home, and then eat/sleep.  The next morning I would run or, depending on the day, I had already ran that morning.  Getting in my mileage now means 10+ mile runs which drains the body if you do not properly fuel or re-fuel and, even if you do, sleep is in order naturally and the best recovery you can give yourself.  Sleep.  Will I ever find it again?  They say the best things are worth fighting for and I know the doors that will open if I go back to school on someone else’s dime which makes it even sweeter.  Only 2 classes a semester – not bad at all.  Once September is over, my running schedule will either remain the same or decrease.  Then I have sorority meetings I totally forgot about – this is really starting to suck.  Maybe I am freaking out.  Maybe I need this overdrive moment to stay focused.  Maybe I sincerely need to lose focus on other things in my life.  Maybe I need to hang up some hats until further notice.

Another friend of mine is getting married 🙂 Another friend is enrolling in graduate school 🙂 Another friend is having a baby 🙂 Another friend just got promoted 🙂 Another friend is closing on their first home 🙂  All my friends are doing well & all my friends are enjoying life despite the difficulties.  I guess their joy & blessings make me less worried about my own.  They are doing it so why can’t I?  Not the marriage part, I have no one in my life I want to marry but I am excited about going back to school since it’s been 5 yrs since I got my Bachelors degree.  I am excited about running 13 miles this weekend for the first time in my life!  I am excited about my credit score increasing 20 points since my last quarterly report.  I am excited that I reached the halfway mark for my emergency fund account.  I am excited that I can let go in faith & live my life knowing I have no regrets.  I am excited.  Change is scary as heck but no one can live my life for me so if I want it I gotta do.

July 30, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | 2 Comments

Life

Lots of small things.  Nothing really major to discuss.  Not sure if one is more significant than the other to deserve a blog posting. 

My landlord is about 2 weeks away from her foreclosure deadline.  There is a Re/Max sign on the front gate so I assume she is trying to sell before that time.  I asked about the situation and she reassured me she will let me know in advance when I will have to move.  A friend of mine who went through a foreclosure a year or two ago told me that as soon as the house is legally in foreclosure I am no longer required to pay rent.  I will need to find documentation for that but it sounds nice to be able to live rent-free until we are kicked out.  Not sure if my landlord will go for that but she is living mortgage-free although it will have a disastrous effect on her credit score and record.  I want to stay in the same area and have found 3 apartments within 3 blocks from my current location.  All walking distance from the same places I walk to now & within the same price range so that is excellent.

My ex passed his Series 63 exam and I think he has another one to pass as well.  I am sincerely happy for him but it is kinda hard to “chill” because he is used to sabotaging his own success.  You know those type of people?  People who seem to have the drive and determination to move mountains but give up or throw in the towel right before their breakthrough?  Yeah, he is one of those.  I have seen it countless times in the last 12 yrs to know not to get all congratulatory because he has a way of getting in his own way and, as much as I want to see him succeed, his head is hard & stubborn & stuck in its own ways.  So, kudos to passing the exam.  Now, let’s stay focused on the next task ahead.

I am terrified of marrying again.  I know I didn’t do a bad job in my first marriage but I also didn’t do a stellar job either.  I do not want to get divorced twice.  I told Mr. D this much.  He said “that’s cool”.  Then I asked “what if we end up together forever?”  He said “what’s wrong with that?”  Then I reminded him how he does not want kids unless he is married to which he said “I can always adopt” but he quickly changed that to “we’ll cross that bridge when we get there”.  He is buying a house in a nearby suburb of Chicago expecting to close in August if he gets it.  His credit score has risen 100 points since we last talked finances which is pretty awesome.  Mine is basically holding steady at “crap” which is 100 points below his so that is neither good nor bad.  I would say I am more liquid than he is because he has no disposable cash or savings.  At least not a decent amount.  You know how people just sit there and rub your face while looking at you in silence?  What does that mean?  He did that yesterday and I wanted to ask a million questions like women do such as “what are you thinking about?” but I didn’t.  I just let him awkwardly rub my face in complete uncomfortable silence and I sat there allowing myself to be rubbed.  Sounds weird. 

A lady from church ran into my sister yesterday or today or some time this week.  The lady asked my sister why I don’t go to church anymore.  My sister said “I don’t know”.  Then the lady said “well, when she did come she always seemed to hate being here as if someone rubbed her the wrong way”.  My sister said nothing.  Not sure if it was a ploy to get information or sincere concern.  I guess my sister didn’t like it at all and was kinda pissed.  I really don’t have anything positive to say so I will leave that alone.

Four more weeks before the kids are back – I think.  Still running/training.  Still reading.  Printing off the last few annual reports for a company I have interest in buying stocks in but I am still learning how to calculate intrinsic value & read these reports in a financially analytical way.  Does that make sense?  It does in my head.  I have 2 more books to get through but I did read “The Millionaire Next Door” this weekend.  I have a race in 3 weeks and my soror is coming into the town from TX again so it’s girls’-night-out the last weekend of July.  I turn 30 years old in August.  No plans.  I’ll just be happy to see that day.  If not, I gave it my all and raised my middle finger to all those who tried to stop me lol b*tches!  Note to self: I need to repent for a lot of stuff.

June 30, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Random Thoughts…

The hardest part of dying is making sure you knew what it meant to live. I tend not to follow the crowd although I’m not saying the crowd is wrong or misguided. When I step from the crowd, watch the activity, formulate my own reasoning, and act out a decision from there…I tend to go against the grain. Life Update – last week of school for my kids, work is ridiculously busy & complex now, my finances have taken a halt while my attorney gets child support set-up (again) and the amount re-calculated (higher this time), and I have too many things I want to do as far as hobbies this summer that picking just a few will be torture. Love? A cursed emotion that plays at your human need for companionship although you aren’t quite sure it’s love you want or even need. Companionship? Yes. Someone who speaks Greek when I have an English-only tongue? No. You will not believe the frustration that sets in when you try to communicate with such a person. I say, do, and think things I have never thought I would. Then I wonder if marriage is truly for me when I think everyone else is an idiot but not I lol always a superior optimism when it comes to your own intellect.  He says I express myself really well often looking forward to me breaking down complex things his male brain can’t comprehend.  Then he says, “oooh I get it” and I wonder if I really worded it any differently than the first time.  We argue often but we talk constantly  He is my friend still which is the core of the dilemma here.  My friend is awesome, funny, smart, and adventurous.  My boyfriend is Greek, stupid, needs play-by-play instructions, and often has his foot in his mouth.  I favor the friend more so and the boyfriend less because I place no expectations on the friend but plenty on the boyfriend.  “You act like I’m two different people” he says.  You are – one irriates me and the other doesn’t.  Why can’t I merge the two or kick the latter out?

Sat down reading through my Will.  Haven’t gotten it signed by witnesses and notarized yet.  Why?  Because I cannot finalize the guardianship and executor of my Trust portion.  My trust is finalized but there is honestly no person I will feel 100% able to take over for me.  No one.  I kinda think my kids will be at more adverse risk if I die before they can take care of themselves.  I know I talk money here a lot but I truly am not greedy or a gold-digger.  Money equates a lot of things to me, much like distance running, exercising, being a Christian, abstaining from sex, etc.  When there is so much outside pressure to follow the crowd or to do otherwise, it shows great character and integrity to decidedly walk into the wind.  I admire people like that.  I admire those who are unwavering solo.  I admire anyone with strong ethics and morals although both are subjective and the very reason we war.  The small complexities of life.  I find it weak to give in although you know it is wrong for you.  I am weak.  I give in constantly.  Add my name to the hat.  But someone to care for my kids, control the pot of money after my bills are paid, and make decisions for them as I would….very hard decision.  I have chosen 1 person from my entire blood family.  One.  But, I plan to delete her name altogether because she’s not ready for such a responsibility.  I have added 1 with the thought of making that 2 persons from my church I no longer attend.  Two.  Blood relation is important but it is not everything imo.  I would prefer a family member but I know no one in my family is capable of doing anything I would want to be a lasting impression on my kids.  It’s a good thing both Trust and Will are revocable.  My brother graduated from high school this past week.  My sister plans to go to some Fashion school in LA this Fall.  I plan to continue reading my Finance books this year on my own self-study course and continue working on my emergency savings fund.  I have a career change idea but I am still trying to figure that one out and how I plan to go about it.  You know how you have this awesome idea in your head but it all falls apart once executed?  Yeah, that’s me.  It all sounds great until I write it down, map it out, budget it, anticipate any risks, and realize I didn’t think this through nearly enough.

Yesterday, someone told me I try too hard not to show how sweet of a person I am.  They began with a, “don’t take this the wrong way….”  and followed that earlier statement with a “you seem to take pride in being a bitch when that’s not you”.  I held the phone to my ear for a few seconds and wondered what to say.  Dare I say I am not a bitch?  I have surely done “bitch” things that I do and do not regret so that would be far from the truth.  Dare I say it’s a defense mechanism? Partly because I have seen the evil of people who take your kindness and giving spirit as a personal benefit to them or who think I owe it to them since I finished college.  It’s harder to be sweet and much easier to be mean although being mean wears me down.  The person on the phone said they have never met anyone so sweet.  I find that hard to believe.  I do not take pride in being a bitch.  It just comes so easy esp when I am angry, upset, hurt, embarrassed, threatened, etc.  When someone makes me bleed profusely, I have the power to wring their heart dry.  I have seen the damage my words have done along with my actions.  So, I make the decision to be sweetly me and not let persons or situations turn my heart cold and evil.  I am disciplined enough to save thousands of dollars, run miles on end, keep away from chocolate and red meat, and remember my Christian principles.  Still struggle with sex.  Everyone has a vice.   I swear those Biblical stories aren’t always encouraging.  Men whom God used although they continued to sin begs me to ask “why give up sex then?”  I’m just admitting the conversation I have with myself sometimes.  Til tomorrow…

June 13, 2010 Posted by | Life | , | Leave a comment

Peace

This is probably the longest time I have gone without posting in a minute.  I almost forgot I had a blog.  When I remembered, I shrugged my shoulders not really having anything to write anyways.  Who cares if I write here?  Probably that little me inside than any one else.

Life has been turbulent.  Not Katrina….just rocky.  At times I feel like I am doing a good job managing but then I realize I am about to lose my mind then I go back to woo sau’in and then I end up here.  Here is feeling like life is great.  Sounds kinda bipolar considering just a week ago I wanted to trade my life in for someone else’s. 

My job is going good.  My move to another department was disappointing but since ole dude is officially moving to PA in 2 weeks, that has me picking up where he left off.  All his emails, calls, regular customers who call him to put out their fires…..they are mine now.  I am busy constantly.  When I get a down moment, I check Twitter, FB, read blogs, read CNN Money, Investopedia, Kiplinger’s, check my baby stock portfolio, my 401k account, and anything else.  It sounds like a lot but I don’t get many down moments anymore so this is enough to last me through the week.  By default, I am learning more which is what I was supposed to know from day one but my position didn’t work that way….till now. 

My running is good.  I took a week off since my shoulder injury.  I ran yesterday which was cool but I took it slow purposefully so I didn’t expect too much from myself but it was hot yesterday and I hadn’t drank any fluids all day.  I do that often which I shouldn’t only because I was trying to find a time to run from my laptop so I could run.  I swear.  I jogged 6 miles feeling like I am starting all over again since it’s been about 2 weeks since my last run.  It’s cool though.  I know I will finish the half….just depends on how fast I will finish now. 

The kids are good.  My oldest has a birthday next week.  I am getting old….like fine wine baby.  My youngest is just chillin.  Nothing to talk about on that front….they are just kids.  We have June 19th as the day the kids go to Indianapolis for the summer.  They usually stay the entire summer.  I am sure something will come up preventing that this year but I am praying it does not happen. 

Nothing else to really write about other than I am still alive and well.  My sister is supposed to bring my nephew by today to spend the weekend.  My nephew is also coming by next weekend too.  It feels like I do have 3 kids.  I have been craving an italian beef dipped with peppers and cheese.  Mr. D is bringing it for me.  Whoever said persistent begging is ineffective are fools!  One of my sisters called to vent about my mom.  Today is my brother’s birthday.  One sister bought him a cake so they all gathered at my mom’s house at 4pm.  Obviously, some of them do not work!  Anywho, she called to vent about my mom and I learned stuff I didn’t know.  Basically, I am glad I didn’t go by there….a good 3 hours later.  Drama drama drama.  But, it’s family.  Without them I probably wouldn’t know how good I have it.  This weekend I might have something meaningful to say.  Till then…adios

April 30, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , | Leave a comment

Emotional Wreck

I need to be running today.  I felt like running yesterday.  I wanted to run Friday.  The last time I ran was Thursday.  I went to the nearby park to use their gym and spent 30 minutes on the treadmill doing the Mountain Pine program.  This consisted on running for a few minutes at 0 incline at a faster speed, running for a few minutes at a 4 incline but lower speed, running at a 7 incline with a lowered speed, running back at the 4 incline at a higher speed, and then finishing with the 0 incline and faster speed.  The 7 incline was the longest segment of the entire workout and my right thigh felt like I was climbing Sears Tower (I refuse to call it that other name).  After running up the incline for so long and then lowering it just to run faster, my legs got the most workout so I hope they are getting stronger.  Tuesday I did the same treadmill incline workout for an hour except this time the incline decreased and increased more often instead of forcing me to hold it for long periods of time.  Still felt the need to run Friday but I had to go to work, pick the kids up, take them to the barber shop since they haven’t had a cut in 3 weeks, waited there for Mr. D to get done after what seemed like his entire family walked in for cuts, he picked this time to introduce me as “his girl” while I looked a hot mess, and then we made it home.  I needed to run Saturday but I had the kids, had errands to run, and a baby shower to make it to but I didn’t make it cause (without a car) that trip would have been 3 hours from my house to my sister’s house to Gary, IN and I missed my train which runs every 3 hours so I was screwed royally. 

My mood has been rocky and emotional all week.  I do not like my job anymore.  There have been periods when I loved my job and those periods were because I was being worked, challenged, and felt the work was meaningful.  Now, I answer customer questions about our program(s) which is fine but arguing with customers who think they know the answer already is not my cup of tea.  One lady I’ve been emailing for about 3 days only because her explaination via phone left me more confused as to what the heck she was talking about.  The banking program we have (that she is using) allows you to set up a “person” for your system, make that person that a “signer”, and then give that person “authorities”.  Well, these “authorities” may consist of sending Wires, ACHs, etc but it must apply to a certain account.  You can’t say Person A has the authority to approve Wires up to $5,000 for the entire banking relationship…you have to authorize Person A to approve Wires up to $5,000 for a particular account but that relationship to that account must be “active” just as Person A must be “active” and must also be an “active” signer.  Basically,  I went back and forth with her all these days trying to figure out what she was seeing from her end while she ignored most of my questions for further information.  I do not like customers and customers are not always right!  But, I have a job.  How depressing to try and squeeze joy from your own version of hell.

During the week, my mood has swung from happy to sad in no time flat.  I have cried when I felt tired.  I have cried when I didn’t want to be at work.  I have felt lost when I didn’t understand where my life was going.  I have grown frustrated when my child support stopped.  I have found anger when my manager walks by wondering if I’m working.  I have felt irritated when Treasury positions ask for an MBA and 10+ yrs experience which I don’t have but the entry level positions leave me over qualified.  Yesterday was a beautiful day and I really needed to run.  Not to get my miles in but to run and clear my mind before I go crazy.  Running is my Prozac.  I was on my way to take the boys to the library while talking on the phone to Mr. D when I looked around and realized my mood did not match the day.  The sun was shining, the wind was gentle, and I was outside with a tank on watching my kids race each other down the street laughing.  But, I felt like it was a gloomy dreary day in the winter with a blizzard outside.  This is why I needed to run and not think about all the things bothering me or all the things people are asking of me or all the things I need to do because someone else can’t carry their weight.  I started crying.  I don’t know what he was talking about or if I was saying something but I started crying mid-sentence and he said I sounded like I was about to have a nervous breakdown or something.  He said if I bring the kids by the shop (he works there all day Saturday), he will watch them while I do what I need to do.  He offered to give my sister the $180 she asked me for so I wouldn’t have to figure out how she’d pay her bills.  I took the kids to the library, stopped to get them something to eat, and dropped them off at the shop for a few hours.  I didn’t get a chance to run like I wanted because I really needed to get these errands taken care of but I did feel a little bit better by myself in solitutude without the 50 million “mommy” questions.

Last time I felt like this, my kids annoyed me to no end and not because they were the problem but because I was letting too many things bother me.  I can say “no” easily but there were some things I wanted to do.  I missed the baby shower that I wanted to go to.  I have to think about what I spend because my ex has no job.  I have to be conscious of what I do because it may affect someone else.  No one thinks about me.  No one thinks about my bills or whether I struggle at all.  No one thinks about how I am doing.  No one seems to care sometimes.  No one.  I get angry and wonder what I am doing wrong so I step back and tend to me while I keep everyone else out with their begging selfish ways.  My other sister is pregnant, lost her job, has a bad attitude, always puts her oldest son on someone else, and never wants to watch your kids.  She lets the world knows she needs an apt, has a sob story about being fired for no reason, smokes weed all day every day even beating up some guy over a bad “dime bag” (not sure what the hell that even is), and spends $150 on 4 outfits for her kid when she’s “broke”.  The only good thing I have right now are my kids, running, and my income.  I would like to be selfish and put my running first.  Maybe if I did my mental state would be much better.  I was a runner before I became a mom.  Not sure about anything else esp when everything else seems to irritate the hell out of me.  I feel bad when I need to get away from my kids but then I realize I take it out on them when I need a break but won’t admit it to myself.  I was an emotional wreck but, today at least, I am feeling much better.

April 11, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , | 2 Comments

Death by Sugar

My sister was in the hospital for the last couple of days having just been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  My mom called me Tuesday leaving a voicemail message.  I called the house but she wasn’t there so my other sister told me my mom wanted to know if our dad, who passed away about 5 years ago (I’m not sure when), had diabetes as well.  I wasn’t completely sure if he had although I remember my grandma (dad’s mom) saying he had a diabetic stroke right before his car hit a pole while driving.  My mom says diabetes does not run in her family so this is why I called my grandmother this morning to ask her.  It doesn’t run in her family either but it does in the paternal line since my grandfather (dad’s dad) had “sugar”, my dad had “sugar”, and my uncle has it now.  My grandma and most older folks call diabetes “sugar”.  She said all 3 weren’t insulin dependent but instead took pills to control it and altered their diet I assume.  During the happier times of my parents’ marriage, my dad ate any and everything because he wasn’t diagnosed with diabetes until later in life…..more like his 40s. 

When I pregnant with baby #2, I had gestational diabetes.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I threw caution to the wind and ate whatever I wanted to esp my to-die-for Pepsi.  Then, during a routine doctor check-up, I had to drink that sugary liquid and sit there for hours just for them to tell me to come back and do it all over again because my results were high.  I came back starving (because I had to fast for a certain number of hours), to find out I did indeed have gestational diabetes and if I wanted no complications & a normal sized baby I’d have to adhere to a strict diet and check my blood sugar often.  At the time, I was working as a phlebotomist at a blood center so I was surrounded by medically trained folks who made sure I checked my sugar often, they monitored everything I ate, and made sure I did eat when I was hungry.  My sugar was absolutely perfect from that doctor appointment until delivery.  Apparently, since I was diabetic and baby #2 had no intentions of ever coming out of his oasis, my doctor had to closely monitor the baby’s progress.  Baby #2 was bigger than baby #1 by almost 2 lbs which is a lot on my petite frame (5’3″ and about 125 lbs).  I was getting dangerously close to my due date without any real or fake contractions.  And, according to my doctor, most babies born to diabetic mothers have a lower chance of surviving in womb the longer they stay inside so we scheduled to induce my labor the next morning (she was going on vacation after that and I didn’t want a new strange doctor) so I can attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).  She checked my cervix that night which started my contractions but my VBAC was a failed attempt so baby #2 was born via c-section at almost 9 lbs.

Long story short, I run and exercise and take good care of my physical body so it kinda sucks to know I still have the chance to die from something I have no control over which makes some of my preventative measures a load of bullshyt.  My doctor checked my sugar thereafter for the next weeks and it regulated itself again but I was warned it could result into full blown diabetes if I’m not careful and should request a blood sugar test as apart of my regular physicals/checkups from here on out.  My sister has to check her blood sugar every 4-5 hours and give her self insulin injections twice a day.  She is also learning that health insurance covers nothing and medication can be quite expensive (she’s only 23).  For the pre-measured contained shots of insulin, it costs about $200 for a 10 day supply which will run you about $600/month.  If she selects the vial and syringes and measures out her own dose it will cost her about $100 for a 10 day supply and run her $300/month but she was able to find the same medicine for $40 10 day supply at Target which is good!  She hasn’t mentioned how she truly feels other than “this sucks” or “I gotta do all this everyday”.  I’m talking about those feelings we really don’t want to admit to ourselves such as; fear, confusion, depression, hopelessness, anger, pessimism, etc. 

I can’t think of having to do this routine everyday for the rest of my life knowing that all I read tells me my condition and preventative measures and costly medication will only delay the inevitable instead of prevent them outright.  Nothing guarantees that the best sugar level control that will impress your doctor will prevent death from a diabetic complication.  It’s wise to stay rooted in reality and know that things happen beyond our control and that is it.  It angers me.  It baffles me.  My sister loves food eating at any and all of the finest Chicago restaurants, going out for those sugary girly drinks with her friends, and cooking things that will send her sugar through the roof.  We weren’t raised on veggies and a healthy lifestyle so it will be a change.  I am athletic as hell but I don’t think I’ve ever dieted a day in my life or watched what I ate.  Only for the sake of my unborn child which was for 5 months maximum but nothing for an entire lifetime.  My outlook will get rosy eventually and I will dabble in fantasy and wishful thinking but I need to dwell in reality for a second (since I found out this morning which Type she has).  It saddens me to think that she has an increased chances of dying from sugar whether prematurely or destined because either way you flip the damn coin it’s still not a fuckin dollar!

March 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Confused

Today I am a big ball of confusion.  I have been in these bouts for the past few months off and on about every part of my life.  My kids are at that point where I need a vacation from them.  I might have to explain for the non-parents or for the parents who have the perfect child(ren).  Well, my boys tend to work my nerves sometimes and I usually need a break from them (and vice versa) at some point before I lose it.  What is “it”?  My sanity, my temper, my understanding that kids have a limitless amount of energy & boys fight often, or my grip with reality that no parent is perfect and there will be days when I need to ask someone close to me to watch them for a weekend just so I can catch my breathe.  One talks back and I’ve smacked him right in the mouth on several occasions while I calmly look him in the eye as he cries and say, “now, next time you will do what I asked you and save your lil comments for someone who cares because if I wanted your opinion on how I should raise you I would have asked for it.  It’s ok to have a viewpoint, to be an individual, or to even voice your concerns but I am the one who makes all final decisions and not a nan one of those will be subjected to your poor excuse for negotiating your way into my parenting.  Got it?”  Might be a little too much for an 8yo to grasp but he is beginning to understand that talking back is never a good thing and he is still a child until further notice.  My 4yo seems to have an accident (pee) at the most inopportune times.  If this child doesn’t go to the bathroom at the moment his body alerts him then it’s too late.   You know how many times a week I do laundry?  In addition to that, they are both outgrowing everything!  What is the point of winter shopping if the clothes barely last throughout this one season?!  I need a break from my kids.

Usually, at the end of the month I put together an Executive Summary for each outsourcing client.  My sup processes the files and makes note of anything that should be added to the report and I put the report together.  Well, part of that report involves a Featured Analysis which, for this month, involves highlighting the area where the most charges are incurred by bank service grouping.  I had a small meeting with my sup who told me if a certain situation arises to just do “A”.  That situation arose and I did “A” as instructed but not before one client’s bank re-sent a file which had to be re-processed and my report had to be done all over again.  Then, I emailed all 5 (only half of them) to her for approval and she emails me back with corrections or suggestions.  No big deals, I don’t mind constructive criticism but when you criticize what we clearly discussed involving “A” then I have a problem.  Now, I have learned to only send her the final reports when she does not have too much time to critique every single thing including how I typed my name at the bottom of the report.  Every bit of anal.

I don’t know if I mentioned the company I work for getting sold.  It hasn’t yet but since the founders & owners are approaching retirement age, it just might happen this year or next.  So, I have been thinking about my future and where I want to be as well as what I want to be doing career-wise.  Basically, nothing involves Chicago anymore.  I wondered from day 1 why I was brought here I think I am beginning to see that.  Now, it’s time for me to leave.  The same itch I felt when I left Chicago for Lafayette and Lafayette for Indianapolis and the same itch I felt when I left Indianapolis for Chicago is what I am starting to feel now.  I might very well be here another 2 yrs maybe but the itch is there and I no longer feel the need to stay here which brings me to Mr.D.  I have this thing where I must sign up for something, let it settle, even go through the motions and see if it’s for me, and then be able to tell myself “yes” or “no” with complete certainty before I can move on.  When I thought about getting back with my ex-husband I told him so, he was extremely excited, he said it was music to his ears, and I began to see myself walk back down that road to him with his arms open wide ready to hold me in complete happiness.  But, I started to walk backwards, I began to fret, I realized that all my eyes were seeing was a man with horns on either side of his head and fire burning in the background where he stood.  I knew I didn’t want to go back to him or give our marriage another chance but, when my minister asked me if I was sure or if I’d even tried, I didn’t know until I “tested” it out.  Yes, I played with his emotions but now I have clarity….at the expense of his heart I guess.  A test is still a test and I am still looking for rats to run around this maze called Life.

That brings me to Mr.D … not sure about him anymore.  He put a title on it (which is what I wanted), he cares a lot for me, I care about him, but  maybe I just wanted to see if I wanted him as much as my emotions did.  My mind must be convinced or else my heart won’t be allowed to stay but, oddly enough, when my mind speaks my heart forgets about those feelings that used to exist if they ever did at all.  Mr.D’s future?  I have no clue.  The man has been dreaming of opening his own shop since I met him (black folks and their cookie cutter dreams).  It’s 3 yrs later almost and he is no where near that goal esp since he is constantly losing clientele cause he works at his other job too much.  He is an entrepeneur at heart but he slaves away at a job where he is underappreciated, over-worked, and not happy.  I asked about his business plan…he doesn’t have one.  He asked me to research grants for him.  Fine, what are your estimated start-up costs?  He has no idea.  A ballpark figure?  He gave a range of $75,000 (ridiculous).  Do you have a location?  City?  Suburb?  No clue.  Do you even have a name yet?  Nope.  Great.  I thought my dreams still in a stage of infancy were bad….his aren’t even fertilized yet.  I don’t know why I thought adding a title would make it officially special but, nope, still the same person which the same 2 issues that have always irritated me but he is my friend so it makes it worthwhile.  However (there is always a however), we need to get this worked out.

The story of Noah, the ark, & the flood is fabricated.  Factual evidence does not exist to support this tale.  Facts is where my mind thrives.  I’m not confused about my faith or in whom I believe.  I guess my focus is narrow now and more concentrated because, as the Bible is discounted left and right, I feel it’s still not a good enough argument against Christianity.  It’s cute to debate fellow Christians but it’s childs play.  It’s cute to hear sermons complete with yelling, sweat, and scriptures but the power comes from what is real and what is not.  What good is quoting Paul if Paul never existed (just an example)?  Christianity has been under attack for ages so it’s no surprise.  The surprise is why no one speaks of it from within the church.  What other biblical stories are rooted more in fiction than anything?  I need to die with a clear notion of where my faith falls and where it stands strong.  Science has no place in religion.  Religion has no place in government.  Government has no place in politics.  Politics has no place in humanity.  Yet humanity has a place in science, religion, government, and politics.  What the hell is true and what the hell is not?  I’m not asking myself or anyone reading this.  Before I die I need to know what is real and what is false because the facts are just that….facts!  You can’t deny facts and faith isn’t enough to stretch the truth to fit any dogma.  A fellow blogger talks about God needing a Press Secretary.  There comes a time when not knowing is perfectly fine but to not want to know is an abomination so I ask my God whom I grew up believing in to tell me what is the truth.  Not as a dare, or a threat, or an ultimatum…if for God I live and for God I die then I pray He doesn’t leave me to die with questions in my head and accuse me of never believing.

March 1, 2010 Posted by | Christian, Life | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Valley II

LOL I am still reading! I swear it! Just taking a vacation since the kids were away this week which means I did as little as possible.  Reading included.  I saw a few blogs written about the last decade so I decided to write about my last decade.  Exciting stuff folks (sarcasm)!  Let’s see….about 10 yrs ago I was 20 yrs old looking more like 12 yrs old.  The yr was 2000 so I was without any kids, in my 2nd yr at Purdue, probably failing some math class, about to join THE sorority, and in a serious relationship (only serious on my part of course).  The next few years were rough indeed esp since high school was the time of my freakin life.  I absolutely loved high school and looked forward to college….should have bypassed college but if I have to label the last decade I will label it The Valley II.  I was gonna say Lessons Learned but that might imply that I’ve learned all there is to learn so no more lessons for me….not true.  I was gonna say Finding Me but I still have more of me to discover or alter so “me” (imo) is still in an infant stage.  It’s called The Valley II because 1990-2000 consisted of its own valley of which I didn’t think I’d make it through. 

I look back and see how much I have changed, matured (I was actually worse if you can believe that), and how I have let go of some things & people.  My skin is thicker, I have shed some people who I was trying to hold onto that could care less about holding onto me, and I’ve moved further into pursuing things I love.  Some things have stayed the same though.  I am still not fond of my family namely my mom, I still enjoy running, I can consume a book in no time flat (unless it’s the Bible), and I’m still drop dead gorgeous!!  Other than that, I have learned a lot about life in general such as: people are indeed people.  They make mistakes just like I do and it isn’t fair to place anyone on a pedestal.  Another thing: men will be men and you teach them how to treat & respect you.  Being single is no longer an illness to run from esp after all the hot mess I’ve run into who swear up and down in quite eloquent Shakespearean jargon that they are decent.  The word “decent” must have a new definition.  Last thing: listen to the voice within.  Often times, when angry/mad/hurt/offended I react first and then think second but this voice within stops me more times than I can count and I fought it before but now I retreat since it’s shown to be here with my best interest in mind.  Man, if I’d said all I really wanted, did all I really wanted, or wrote all I really wanted…..I’d be the bytch most people think I am but, no matter how I’d say it isn’t true, it actually would be!

Cupid still hasn’t found my address but it’s cool…he prb need GPS or Google Maps.  In the last decade, from my ex-husband to currently, I have made BIG strides in the right direction.  BIG!  Am I there yet?  I don’t think so but I know for sure that I’m close.  I hate thinking about love or writing about love because it makes my head hurt with its confusing ever-changing nature.  Some say love will find me so stop looking….stop looking I shall.  When I look I waste time.  This guy was trying to tell me how meeting me has felt to him.  As we all know, men aren’t too good at articulating how they feel so he always gives me examples instead.  He said it’s like winning the lottery.  Here he is holding a huge check like they do on TV that says a million dollars on it and he looks back over his life and can’t believe it’s really happening this time.  That this check is for him.  That all his past struggles has brought him to this moment (this is the guy I’ve mentioned before in recent blogs).  Naturally, I need to clarify what he is saying not for me but so he can understand and hear what he is saying as he continues to get over this fear he has.  I ask, “so, in this example, am I the check?”  He says, “yes”.  Then I ask, “so does this mean you’re gonna endorse it or hold onto it still afraid?”  He drops his head, “I’m kinda afraid still”.  I sign loudly but I smile eventually and say “as long as you don’t hand me back to the person who gave me to you then it might be cool. Oh and scratch out that million dollars….fool, I’m worth more than that!”  Laughter…it always eases awkward moments and makes light of a situation.  He is still hanging on and, despite my best tests, he proves to be legit.  His actions are holding up despite the disconnect between his brain and the times when he’s stuffed his foot down this throat.  A friend of mine told me to trust him on this one a while ago so I’m still doing that. 

The last 10 yrs have been awesome although a valley all because I have grown in the process.  If there was no growth then the test was futile and my existence obsolete for I have not made life any better yet I can argue I haven’t made it worse and I have not convinced my Creator that the pile of dirt used to make me was indeed worth it and not a waste of precious earth.  I’ll be 30 yrs old this year (if I make it), running my first race with the word “marathon” in it, expanding my beautiful mind by way of my innately inquisitive nature, and attempting to get a little better at this parenting thing.  Long term goal (2020), Masters degree completed, home owner, resident of the south, married, running, and still a bytch but a mature & humbled bytch than before.  Is that an improvement?  How about NOT being a bytch?  Any woman who speaks her mind, don’t take shyt, and won’t stand for someone wasting her time is automatically the best kinda bytch to be 🙂 Yeah, I have issues.

January 2, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

Writing My Life

Middle of the day, just got through wrapping some of the kids’ gifts, and about to actually tidy up. I don’t have time to clean so I’ll tidy which will consist of vacuuming and cleaning clutter.  Kids’ gifts: I got J what he wanted and got D what I want him to have.  He has issues with math….just can’t seem to remember the rules.  I’ll tell him the rule and, 5 minutes later, he’s forgotten it!  No more video game systems because they both need to focus on what they need to learn as well as balancing both academics and play.  They play all weekend every weekend sometimes during the week so I don’t think I’m preventing them from being kids.  D is at a disadvantage because he seem to be following my brother who sucked at math so my mom had him to Hooked on Phonics.  Do they have that for math?? I think they do. Anywho, I got him leapfrog math system for grade school kids. He breaks every video game system I’ve bought so let’s see how long this lasts.  Next yr, he might be getting clothes instead.

Anywho, this post is not about that.  I realized that what I write about is what I am living or find interest in so, being a single mom with 2 kids while dating and trying to find my place in life, my life seems pretty dull!  I don’t write about kids or kid related topics because I have no interest in it.  Just because I have kids does not mean I’m a kid person.  Make sense?  Sometimes you want kids because you want offspring instead of someone to dress up and play with.  Carry on the family name.  Contribute to the gene pool.  I only started being more maternal as I’ve gotten older so, trust me, it’s not innate & I struggled a lot in the beginning so I’ve learned money mgmt skills so I can focus on that instead of being resentment and looking at the kids as just another bill or mouth to feed.  I love babies, I love taking care of them, and I’m the ultimate mother hen but after a certain age I expect more so I cut as many strings as I can.  Stand on your own two feet.  Make your own way.  I’ll direct you but that’s about it.  Think for yourself.  Speak up and stop mumbling.  Stand up straight and earn some respect.  I should have been in the military. 

Dating: nothing interesting on that front esp since I talked about it in the last 2 posts.  I’ve met someone I absolutely feel is perfect for me but, again, what do I know?! I love being single until it comes time for holidays and then I wanna have someone there.  As long as I can have them there and have them leave when I say so then I’m happy.  I’m not ready to have someone here all the time and I’ve gotten used to having someone here some of the time.  Do I sound confusing?  At least it’s the same person so that’s an improvement.  Someone told me to play the field.  Yeah, but guys tend to piss me off so playing the field is like signing up for a migraine….who does that?!  I can “let things flow” but I truly love my time and life so I have no intentions on wasting it in the company of someone I don’t plan to see after this evening.  Am I too rigid?  Nope.  Often seen as that but I’m not.  I just don’t think most people are worthy of my time no matter how much they try to convince me since, in the end, time isn’t even on their side for me to sit and listen to them.  But, I really do enjoy my friends and life right now & I have Valentines Day set already unless he up and die (or me) then I’m back to square one. 

I think I mentioned a class I registered for at Trinity University here in Chicago.  The class starts in January.  It’s 3 credit hours @ $345/hour which is the distance education rate.  I love online classes!  Not many people can excel at them because they either don’t stay focused or they forget what they have to do by which date or they don’t seem to follow them well.  I love online classes because it cuts out the middle man and I am disciplined enough to know when an assn is due, in what way the professor wants it done, and how to get a grade I am striving for.  Eventually, I will have to take a classroom course and some classes are better suited for the classroom but not this time around.  Anywho, the class is called Christ, Man, Sin, & Salvation.  I called the Student Accounting Dept to see if I could make pymts on the classes while taking it or if it was required to pay upfront.  He said I can do pymts but they aren’t showing my registration in the system yet to set that up for me….prb because I just requested my transcript from undergrad.  Anywho, this class can be used toward graduate credit and, if I like the class, I’ll likely take another during the summer semester toward completing a certificate program in Christian Studies.  It’s a very basic certificate that allow you to take any classes offered to total 24 hours (8 courses) so I like it.  I am interested in these courses so far: Intro to Old Testament, Intro to New Testament, Parables of Jesus, Gospels of Christ, and they offer Greek courses but those aren’t eligible for credit.  If I can get a pymt arrangement set up then I’ll be straight even paying $345 every month since the class ends in July 2010.  I’m kind of excited! A certificate that is outside my current field (Treasury) that will earn me no increase in income and look totally weird if I put it on my resume.  Sometimes I do things even I can’t explain. 

The kids will be gone this weekend (yayyy!) and I have no plans (boooo!) but I’ll wing the hell outta it and make it do what it do.  I wanna go ice skating but my part-time boo don’t do ice skating.  I don’t do work but you see me with a job!  He said he might go which means he won’t go so now I gotta find a non-lame to go skating with me in the middle of a Midwest winter…..yeah.  I bought plastic for my windows so I will attempt to put that up too.  I got the plastic and tape instead of that self-tape plastic because I’m thinking you have to know your window measurements so the plastic sizes fit which is something I don’t know and I don’t have a tape measure.  This is one of those moments when I don’t feel like doing it myself so I wanna ask a guy to do it for me since men want to feel like a man….like they are needed…like their existence is so vital to your world (didn’t God tell us not to lie???)  So, in an effort to make him feel like a man and so I can sit on my butt and praise him while I channel surf, I will see if I can get that done this weekend. 

I need to get my hair done.  I am trying to go without the relaxer but, with afro hair, when it grows it grow out…not down.  So, with a winter hat on all day everyday, it kinda flattens your style and, since I’m still growing it out to a decent length, braids leave my scalp open for the cold arctic wind to attack it.  Relaxers actually cost less than having natural hair… at least in my case.  Thinking about the finances, which are always important, relaxers are easy on my wallet than growing it out which requires more care (from someone else’s hands than my own) and products I don’t have (other than water).  But, I will see.  Ok, I gotta go get my little rugrat from school.  It will take me a while to armor up for the cold alone before I even walk out the house just to walk across the freakin street.  Another glorious week and another step in some direction to making my existence worthwhile and meaningful.  Hasta luego!!

December 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment