32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Hurt or Lie?

Close my eyes
Feel heart race
Panic sets in
Fidgeting begins
Question is asked
Silence given
Bite my lips
Dart my eyes
Reply “um…”
Silence again
Question asked again
Inhale slowly
Exhale loudly
Calm sets in
Close eyes again
Look at floor
Resistance ends
Eyes meet
Hurt or Lie?
Asking myself
Hurt or Lie?
To her, that is
Break my silence
Utter the words
Hurt ensues
So truth may prevail
Easy decision?
Easier said than done
She preferred Lie

June 22, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My loooong weekend….

A lot of things happened this weekend.  This weekend was my sorority chapter’s reunion anniversary.  Soror T was supposed to drive up Friday night, sleep at my apt, and then we were to drive down to Purdue the next morning.  Well, Soror T packed more into her Friday than she should have so she fell asleep on her couch instead of getting on her way to Chicago.  At 5am, I called which woke her up so she grabbed her bags, jumped into the car, and made it to Chicago at about 7:45am.  She hadn’t showered, brushed her teeth, washed her face, etc in a hurry to make the events on time and pick me up.  When we finally got there, I was excited to see sorors and chit chat until everything started because obviously everyone was on CP (colored people) time!  Well, the hotel was in my name but soror T wanted to go wash up, however, I wasn’t tryna leave.  So, I transferred the hotel into her name under her credit card so she could go wash her butt and meet us back on campus.  We walked around campus while everyone was trying to remembering where they used to have class, what building used to be here, and how they used to love that building over there.  We made it to the BCC (Black Cultural Center) for a formal tour when Soror T asked where we were.  She said she was going to Wal-Mart…..ok.  Fast forward, we all branch off to check-in our hotels, shop for Purdue or ZPB stuff and grab lunch before dinner.  Soror T calls talking about she didn’t plan to sit in the hotel room all day.  Um, who you getting an attitude with?!  No one told you to sit in the hotel.  Then she said no one called her cause she needed to eat too.  At this point I felt like I had a grown baby on my hands.  She makes her way back to campus right when everyone was going to the hotel so she made a U-turn. 

Soror T used her credit card for the hotel which still a hold on it from last week when she thought she’d lost her wallet.  Since the card was declined, she had to use cash.  No big deal to someone else but this chick is always broke!  I had to hear her complain about not knowing how she was gonna get home, how she didn’t have money for tolls, and how she was wasting gas driving around.  Last homecoming she came with no money and complained the entire time.  Last summer to went to FL and she complained the whole time about not having money so I couldn’t go to this museum because I wasn’t gonna pay for her to get in too.  I have a budget too!  This is the last time I travel anywhere with her.  She’s a cool person but your poor financial situation or money skills should not be someone’s else problem.  Then, we went to the bars that night after the ball and she was buying drinks looking at us like we were crazy.  I thought you were broke.  Then my ex shows up looking GQ (everyone felt the need to tell me this) and walked past me in the hallway interrupting my phone conversation (I guess my cell phone was invisible) just to ask if I had found someone to watch the kids.  What difference does it make?!  You can’t help me anyways so don’t worry about it.  Asshole!  Sometime Saturday I injured my shoulder possibly straining it so all day I was having sharp pains near my left shoulder blade that radiated down my left arm.  I wore an Icy/Hot patch (forgoing fashion here) hoping it would ease the pain but I think it made it worse so I went to the hospital for x-rays (pointless), Valium to relax the muscle, and a pain-killer shot.  By the time I left, I was drowsy and ready to sleep still wearing my dress w/a white flower in my hair.  Soror C was in the room with me so when the nurse told me to undress from the waist up, she had to help me take off my sweater I was wearing over my dress, unbutton and slide down the left side for me, and unbutton my bra.  I felt helpless and didn’t wanna move my arm out of fear of that pain.

There were a lot of moments which irritated me this weekend but it was the usual women-getting-together-to-do-anything moment so it was excusable.  What took the cake was my sister who asked me for $180.  Something told me not to give it to her whether Mr. D volunteered it or not.  He did give me the money but I only gave her $50 of it and gave the rest back to him.  She watched my kids all weekend and texted me asking if she could drop them off at another sister’s apt so she could do homework.  Whatever.  You knew you had homework all weekend so why procrastinate this time?  Then I asked if she’d taken them to see Alice in Wonderland (her idea)….she said “no”.  I asked for the money back which I gave her to take my kids to the movie….she had the nerve to ask if I really wanted it back.  Is it not my money?  Did you ever plan on taking the kids to the movies?  Or did you lie to get extra money from me?  Whatever the case, I wanted my money back which she gave my oldest…she was $2 short but I let it go.  That evening she text me saying I am inconsiderate and how she won’t be doing me any more favors (babysitting).  She said I showed my true colors today (we’re sisters….how could you NOT know how I am) and will get the kids when she wants to get them.  I replied asking her how I had been inconsiderate.  She said, “if you don’t know then it’s not meant for you to know”….dumb response which shows her level of intellect so I left it alone.  Then she told me to pay someone else who is not family to baby-sit cause she ain’t helping me out anymore and Ma always said I was selfish.

Ok, so I ask my sisters all the time to watch my kids because a)I know them b)they are family and c)usually they are free or cheap compared to strangers who baby-sit for income.  One sister told me I only call when I want her to baby-sit which I dnt see the problem if I pay you for it….what’s up with the complaining?!  My mama calling me selfish can go various ways.  She asked me to buy her a car since my credit is better, she used some of my money from a lawsuit to go shopping so now she’s bankrupt, she has this list of expensive things she wants for Mother’s Day/her birthday/Christmas but buy me cheap shyt she find in an Avon book, and she tried to intercept my 2nd check from the lawsuit by calling the office, pretending to be me by giving them my SS#, and had the check set-up to be mailed to her house instead.  When I called and found this out, the attorney who was over the case told me to set-up a password so this doesn’t happen again and my mom was pissed about it.  I told my uncle (her brother) about it and he said that’s “blood money” so if my sister hadn’t die I wouldn’t have it as if I asked for the money.  As if I traded my sister’s life for $68,000 (total amount for all 3 pymts).  As if I was the one trying to steal from my own child.  That was the last time I spoke to him because, being the only sane one in this family, they have a way of making me feel like I’m abnormal & greedy too.  So, my sister saying my mom always said I was selfish was hilarious!  I’m only selfish if I don’t give them (or her) what she wants.  As far as doing me a favor, I dnt need them to baby-sit….I was just trying to save money and use family because I thought that’s one of the things family do….help each other out.

When I first moved back to Chicago, I was in a bad financial situation.  I was trying to hold onto my job, continue my car pymts, pay rent, groceries, and almost $300/week for childcare out in the northern suburbs of Chicago.  No one offered to help me!  I had my ex keep my youngest til I got my situation under control but I never made it home in time for the 6pm closing of the various daycare centers (traffic and snow) so my oldest was kicked out.  Last minute with no back-up and couldn’t afford to lose my job, I left my son at home alone when the school bus dropped him off after school.  I think I did that for 2 weeks max before I was found out and Child Protective Services were called in.  My pastor at the time reassured them the church will help me so there was no need for the state to take my kids away from me.  I couldn’t say anything but cry.  Everyone at the church asked if my mom could help and I told him “no” but they wanted me to ask anyways….so I did.  My mom, the unselfish one, told me she’ll only help me out if I signed over my parental rights to my son which means she wanted to bank off her grandson and file him on her taxes and all that good stuff.  I told her “no” and shook my head at the idea that folks think my family is the least bit caring.  Inconsiderate?  Selfish?  Bad mom?  I have been the latter of the three but never the first two and it’s all because I don’t just hand over money to people who think they deserve it.  No one helped me through school, paid my bills or tuition, no one helped me move much less find a job to move for, and no one has helped me since then.  I did cry when my sister told me this because I’ve been trying hard to prove I am anything but those things but they only want to see what they want.  To get mad at me for asking for my change back is ridiculous and to think it’s my responsibility to financially support any of them is absurd esp when you talk about me behind my back.  Who needs enemies?

On a happier note, I applied for a Director of Financial Student Services maybe a week ago and received an email asking me to come in for an interview.  I emailed her back and called her number included in the email.  Also, I was job searching on Monster when I saw an open Treasury Analyst I position at the same company I was did co-training for.  I applied via Monster and I emailed the Treasury Analyst IV who was in the training asking her to forward my resume directly to the manager (her boss) of the Treasury Dept.  She said “absolutely” and how it’s not bad to need to expand your horizons.  The Director position is a tad bit over my head as far as the management experience (I have none) but I meet the qualifications as far as finance goes.  The position calls for managing folks within the Financial Aid dept so maybe they think I can learn how to manage folks…I dnt know.  The Director position is far into the ‘burbs so I’d definitely need to get a car but the pay is$70-80k so we shall see.  Still going to apply elsewhere too.  The Treasury Analyst position is the one I really want although I’m sure the salary is no were near $70k but I really would prefer that job over the Director one lol I must be crazy, huh?  That is it.  I go back to work Wednesday so I need to rest up some more and suck down some more pain killers and just forget about family….you can’t make everyone like you.

April 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Me or You?

I am extremely anal.  Picky.  Concise.  Clear.  If you tell me you will do “A” but you fail to do “A” then I get upset.  Upset because I have enough sense to know I should not say I will do something and not deliver.  Yes, things happen but usually when these situations have occured….”things” have not happened.  Just people who failed to do what they said so they ask me to cut them some slack.  Bend over backwards.  Change my own standards so they can fit in somehow.  And I do it.  I do it because people call me anal, claim I want perfection, think I am not willing to compromise, or am a tad bit unrealistic in my expectations of others.  My argument is this: my expectation of you is exactly what you tell me.  I do not expect anything less or more than what you say from your own mouth.  But, somehow, I am to blame for the inability of some people to realize that they cannot live up to their own expectations of them selves.

I am typing all this because I am tired of apologizing for who I am.  “Pick your battles sweety”.  “Relationships are about compromise”.  “No one is perfect darling”.  I know all this but how can I change me?  I am not going to be less anal.  I will calm it down long enough to drain the life out of me and long enough to become less irritating but who a person truly is eventually resurfaces which is why women are always warned never to change a man.  Never!  Do not even think you can change a man because it’s impossible.  Women are told this.  But if a man thinks I am too anal I am told from both sides to change.  Why?  If he is not defective but excusable then why am I not shown the same treatment?  Someone told me they would call me later.  I asked, “what do you mean by later?”  There is laughter.  I’m not laughing.  I’m seriously waiting for an answer.  They say, “later in the day”.  I say, “now we see you have mastered the art of ambiguity which is excellent but can you answer my question in a way that actually answers it instead of simply replying to it?”  Face shows confusion.  I exhale loudly and say, “I didn’t think you had an answer and you obviously think I am undeserving of one so do me a favor and don’t bother calling at all.” 

This is pure bullshyt.  I accept who I am and I know that if I compromise, give, & bend over backwards when it comes to my annoying habit then I will lose who I am.  Who I am is very important to me.  I shut up, apologize, get things back on the track of happiness but I’m not happy inside…..I’m just going along for the ride because some of my friends know I’m too anal and any guy who can handle me deserves an award but I know I am anal for a reason and any guy who needs me to lower my standards and swallow who I am is beneath me.  A good guy.  A great guy.  But I felt myself strangling myself to death last night.  A friend of mine was complaining about his girlfriend because she has this annoying habit of complaining about folks loudly and in an extremely critical way.  I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “well, that’s who she is.  It irritates the hell outta me so I know I can only take small doses of her.  What did she say when you brought it to her attention?”  He replied, “she said I have to deal with it or I can leave.”  I was shocked at the blunt honesty thinking this girl was crazy and kinda rude to not even think of compromising.  Now, months later, I kinda understand her a little bit. 

There are some things that are just apart of who that person is.  Snoring.  Gossip.  Anal.  Opinionated.  Aggressive.  Dominant.  Spoiled.  Ghetto.  Judgemental.  Etc.  You have to decide what you can and can not deal with and not blame that person for refusing to compromise who they are but instead applauding them for staying true to who they are instead of hiding it for it to resurface later sometime after the honeymoon.  I have a lot of small annoying things I do but the main one has been my refusal to accept ambiguous bullshyt (I did from this guy from day one and should have ended the conversation when he first opened his mouth because he was full of shyt the whole way through and still is.).  When I don’t accept it, I am criticized left and right.  My second thing is holding someone to what they say.  Don’t say it if you don’t plan on doing it…..it’s quite simple but, again, I’m a bitch because I’m seen as being too anal & psycho.  Psycho.  My favorite word.  I think it’s because I’ve been lied to majority of my life & people are out to convince me that I’m crazy (lol) but I guess it’s my “flaw” that I can’t change even if I wanted to.  So, my point is STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME! You knew who I was from day one so deal with it or leave!! I accept your sorry ass & your flaws day after freakin day but you can’t accept the fact that I need to know what the hell you mean when you say “later” or I honestly expected you to do what you said you’d do?  I am difficult to deal with and a lot of guys say I’m too much work but I am not changing.  I’m not.  “Easy” has never been a word used to describe me.

March 12, 2010 Posted by | Me | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

He Played Me

Human_Cello_by_DanielGnomesHere I am trying to be a good mommy, a good woman, a good person, and considerate of what I would if it was me.  You know that whole “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” line?  Well, that’s what I am doing.  You know that stigma most babymamas have about being greedy money hungry chicks using child support money to get their nails done, etc?  Well, I was thinking about that too although I’m an ex-wife not a babymama.  Every summer my ex-hubby has the boys for about two months but this is the first summer where the court ordered child support is in play.  I decided, since he will have the boys for my much needed Me Time, to return the child support payments back to him since support is for the children which I will not have for that time frame.  Some people call me a white girl because I often do things most black chicks would never do such as voluntarily give money back when I don’t have to.  It was never about someone making me do it.  Someone making me do what is right (imo) should not be forced although he is forced to pay child support because I know how he is….he won’t voluntarily pay shyt.  That’s him.  Not me.  That’s your soul.  Not mine.

There hasn’t been any real drama to discuss in the one year we have been divorced until now.  This muthafucka had the audacity to email me last Tuesday to tell me he is moving within 45 minutes of Chicago, that he has found a daycare for the kids, and how he really hated his job but will start working at the local casino the upcoming Monday.  This was last Tuesday.  Today is Thursday.  I usually transfer the child support money from my bank account into his which cleared last Tuesday afternoon.  He conveniently sent this damn email Tuesday evening….coincidence?  I don’t put shyt pass trifflin ass men.  So, he emails me Tuesday to tell me he is moving (with our boys) further north closer to Chicago but all I was focused on is his freakin job.  In this email he said his company was going bankrupt, he wasn’t having an effect on sales (he worked in Sales), and he absolutely hated his job.  Who voluntarily quits a job during a recession when erbody and they mama is unemployed, laid off, and living off the government trying to make ends meet?  Who does that?!  This muthafucka right here!  Because he hated his job.  Grown ass men still needing a pacifier.  Excuse the cuss words for this post y’all.

I called his company the next day (last Wednesday) to talk to him but his voicemail said he was out of the office for the day so I spoke to the operator who told me that the company did not go bankrupt but was actually bought by another company.  I asked about laid off employees and she reassured me that no one had or will lose their jobs…no changes were made other than corporate structure and management.  This muthafucka just quit!  I call his cell phone…no answer.  He emails me the next evening talking about he can express his self better through email than over the phone.  Pussy ass punk.  Aight, well since words convey what you mean better than speech then let me call my attorney to file some papers I’m sure your ass will clearly understand.  He answers the phone.  He says he will be closer to the kids so he will be able to get them every other weekend like the divorce outlines.   Fan-fuckin-tastic but the divorce outlines visitation every other weekend as well as child support….not in lieu of.  After some probing questions on my part, I find out he is moving to this new city to live with his new girlfriend who told him about this new daycare and she will be picking up my boys (along with her two rugrats) from daycare when he works late.  I feel like I’m about to get all nigger’ish up in here.  This bytch gon’ do what?!  I don’t even know her but she living with my kids and will be transporting my kids??  Anyone who has kids know the paperwork required to allow ANYONE to care for and transport your children just down the damn street and I’m supposed to feel safe doing so with a stranger?  Yeah….ok.

He reassured me that she is not insane, I can meet her if I want to, and she is not gonna hurt the kids.  I know she won’t if the bytch wanna live to see tomorrow but my main issue is with him and I told him so.  He played me.  Played me with his carefully planned move to another city using child support money I gave him when, now, getting child support when the kids return is highly unlikely.  Why?  Because this fool ain’t working!  The alleged job that was to start this Monday did not and the casino now has no positions in that department.  So, he is waiting for the next training class to **drum roll please** deal cards at the tables in the casino!!  You left a Sales position with a salary in downtown Indianapolis to purposefully throw cards on a table for a living.  What do you do for a living?  I throw cards on a green table.  Oh wow! Impressive!  He lied to me by intentionally telling me maybe a quarter of the truth.  He feels I don’t need to know who he has around the kids because he has good judgement.  And he thinks since I make more money than he does missing a few child support payments won’t hurt me much.  Bullshyt! 

And that’s it.  Here I am trying to make sure my boys have a fun summer with their dad knowing his daycare costs are significantly cheaper that it’s damn near free but I still return the full payment to him.  Now this fool will be living rent free with his girlfriend, unemployed until a green table opens up for his highly-ambitious-reach-for-the-stars career goals, planning to drop our boys off as scheduled mid-August, not have any plan on paying me child support until a green table does open up, but he will see them every weekend until his broke ass runs out of gas money then it’s another shit covered excuse freshly pulled from his ass.  I was told to wait and see if he voluntarily sends support payments but I know him and he has NEVER sent shyt voluntarily.  August 15th is the weekend the boys are supposed to come back to me.  Well, since he blew the support money moving his ass up north and making such a fan-fuckin-tastic career move then he can extend his Daddy Daycare esp since he unemployed.  Why should I pay daycare here when you laying on your ass up there?!  One time when being the good woman has not paid off.  One time when being a bytch in every sense of the word would have covered my ass and assets.  I’m pissed and I feel stupid as fuck.  Trusting him to do right simply because I did.  He played me and ain’t shit I can do now but learn from it and get my attorney to handle it.  I hope they lock his ass up and I got his tax check next year.  Too damn old for these childish silly ass games.

July 23, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | 5 Comments

Decide Against Gray

blkwhtSome things in life donot require hesitation or a thought process but some things do require a significant amount of time to come to a decision without regret.  As stated before, I am a thinker.  I think too much, too often, and too long sometimes but other times I barely think at all.  I go with my intuition, my feelings, my desires.  This happens rarely because, to me, emotions are leaves covering the ditch in the road.  Things seem fine and normal until you realize there aren’t even any trees around.  You get me?  Well, this post is about me and discovering how I truly feel about things.  Yes, I said “feel” since I tend to ignore that side of me….unreliable and involves too many variables.  I can be the epitome of “complicated”. 

I do not believe gray areas should ever exist when it comes to making decisions or taking a stance.  Either you do or you don’t.  You will or you won’t.  You have or you haven’t.  Sometimes, when my mind needs a break from talking things through with myself I bring in a third party to sift through and see what I possibly cannot.  I have no problem making a decision but sometimes I decide quickly and question myself or sometimes I decide late and freak over whether that was a wise decision I made.  Knowing me, being true to me, understanding my needs, and what brings and keeps joy in my life is what I rely on to make these things easier.  I have a few example situations:

  1. My ex-husband has a girlfriend.  I noticed he left a comment on a pic of our son that was on my FB page but he had somehow copied to his page so I went to his page to view his other pics and wall.  I was scanning the page when I got a tugging….I ignored it.  Then my girl friend calls to tell me something she saw which confirmed the tugging and the status of a new chica in his life.  I didn’t know how I felt but I was certain I felt something.  I didn’t feel jealous.  I don’t want him back.  I was feeling envious.  The one thing we can’t go out and get is the one thing we harbor ill will towards others for readily having.  Such as a woman who can’t or struggles to have kids would be envious of someone who gets pregnant just by looking at her man.  Someone who has been poor since God created the heavens and the earth would be envious of someone who has loads of wealth and in different forms that they want for nothing.  That is how I felt and I only realized that after some time alone with myself because it terrified me to think I wanted him back (he’s not a bad guy) but I had to dust off that bone, inspect it, and truthfully dismiss it  before I could continue digging further.
  2. I’m just not feeling this one guy.  He’s a good guy, great career, nice car, self-sufficient, family-oriented, Christian, and all the other good qualities a woman may look for in a man but he’s not for me.  Good guys finish last and good guys never get laid.  For a while I dated him because there was nothing wrong with him on paper but, in my heart and soul, he was always going to be my friend.  I tried to find something wrong with him and exaggerate it to prove to others that he wasn’t right for me but I now know I will be the one in the relationship so how do I feel about him?  I am not attracted to him and he is not meeting my needs on certain important levels (none of which are superficial) which is a definite deal breaker.  I found myself getting irritated when he called, texted, emailed…basically, any form of communication because I dreaded the question “when can I see you?” which definitely has non-platonic intentions.  He does not understand why and I don’t care to explain myself.  I’m not feeling you like that but we can remain friends.  If not, then my life was fine before you and will continue in that state after you.
  3. Work is over-rated.  I do not in any capacity like to work….at all.  I am an extremely lazy person and will pay someone (if I have the funds) to do something I just don’t feel like doing.  Not that I can’t do it.  I just don’t feel like it.  I have my day job which seems to be going fine and I finally joined a Chicago grad chapter so that’s an added “work” commitment to my life schedule.  Outside of those two and my occasional church activity requirements….I like to play.  Sometimes I get asked to join this or that.  Or, asked why I am not more active in organizations and associations.  Even asked if I am on track to my pursuing my goals in life simply because I am not bogged down with meeting upon meeting, etc.  I know too many people who rush about day in and day out being busy but, when I wonder or ask the main point behind some things they do….it doesn’t justify it…at least to me it doesn’t.  They are busy being busy doing absolutely nothing pertinent.  “I work hard enough not to get fired”…that’s a line from the movie Office Space.  I won’t say I slack off because I work my butt off in my current three responsibilities (not counting kids) but, other than that, I really just wanna play.  That is my reason for not being busy all day every day….if it doesn’t coincide with playing then I can’t do it.  Sorry.
  4. I write what I feel and I’m not usually feeling God.  I struggle to write about God because I think words are ineffective.  Sometimes, when a situation arises or I am inspired to, then I will but, often times than not, I have nothing to write about related to Him.  Words don’t convey or prove the strength of my faith and words don’t convert non-believers.  If so, God could have replaced Jesus with the complete Bible instead of sending him to live it out before their eyes.  I write what I feel but it’s doesn’t mean I am a sinner if I have less posts about God than I do anything else.  People rely on words to say a whole lot of nothing and hide behind them to hide themselves.  I really wish God would mute some people then they’d focus more on what’s important….their actions.  Everyone writes about God…I barely read their stuff on the subject or I have many times that the message becomes redundant. 

These were just some recent thoughts I’ve had but not my entire list.  I always need to know the exact, absolute, confirmed decision on where I stand and how I feel.  Think about the many times I have lied to myself because of what others think of this or want me to do that.  In my head, there is no gray area….it’s simply black or white so if anyone gives me gray I tell them “bullshit”.  Cut and dry.  Right down the middle.  For or against.  In favor or opposed?  Love or hate?  Like or dislike?  Happy or sad?  Up or down.  You can’t have a combination of both answers and you can’t lie to yourself too long before you begin to live a lie.  Living a lie is full of voids, resentment, agitation, and unnecessary torture on yourself.  Praying to see the light does not stop it from burning your cornea because the truth still hurts.  I’d prefer others to hurt me than to hurt myself, than to waste the precious time I’m given here living a lie, and being unhappy with who I am simply because it’s not what someone wish I was.  And, truth be told, I think I get a kick out of reading my own stuff than others do.  Yes – I have my own custom made cheerleader outfit in royal blue and pure white, with a cute teeny tiny skirt, pom-poms, and 32B written across my chest….gotta be your own #1 cheerleader all the time.

June 7, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , | 2 Comments

Nailed To My Own Cross

nailOne day, I was chatting on gmail with a friend.  He was talking about his father who had totally dissed him an important day….his graduation with his first Masters degree.  This was a proud moment for him because he had finally finished through all the emotional difficulties and hurdles along the way.  He had his first Masters degree and his dad, who worked a couple blocks from the location of the ceremony and had called off work early, couldn’t even stay long enough to his his son receive his degree.  My friend was pissed.  He was hurt.  I remember he said that his father had pissed on him and called it apple juice…that was the first time I had heard that phrase.  I tried to tell him he didn’t hate him or despise him…he wasn’t listening to me.  I tried to tell him that it’s his father so just overlook it….he didn’t wanna do that.  I tried to tell him that time will blow it all over….he said not this time.  He was hurt and I felt bad that he has to experience that on such a day as this one when he should have been overjoyed and happy…not overjoyed and happy in spite of something someone close to you or someone who loves you has done.  What did he do to deserve this?  Why, time after time, he does not get the love he so desires?  Is it too much to ask for a normal, or even semi-normal, parent & child relationship?  Now, the tables are turned and I see, feel, and understand his pain.  If someone told me right now what I had told him then….I’d laugh it off in anger too. 

My mom  hates me….I am convinced she always has.  I don’t care to know when it started…it exists and that is all that matters.  My sisters hate me…..I am convinced they always will.  They have no problem spitting venom at me because they think I am a big bad b*tch….or, that is how I act to them but everyone that knows me know that I am a softy.  I seriously wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose….I’d kill me before I kill you in any way.  That is probably my problem but there is no easy way out of this….all or nothing….do or die….in or out….I’m nailed to this sh*t.  I try to get out of it because I always thought the nail itself driven through my hand would hurt the most until I look up and see who is holding the hammer driving it through my hand.  I always thought that hanging there would hurt the most but not nearly as much as hearing those below laughing at my pain and conjuring up ways to make me suffer more.  I always thought if I loved people and treated them as I would want to be treated that they would do the same towards me until I realized that the ones I was watching out for were the ones smiling in my face. 

Not wanting to go into much detail but wanting to ease this weight, my mom and sisters have all dubbed me the worst mom on earth!  Phone calls later I am told that my kids should be taken away from me, that I favor one over the other, that I am incompetent, I am damaging my son’s self-esteem, and they have no clue why my ex even married me.  This is when the piercing through the side occurs….why he married me?  I have heard the parenting arguments all before so, if they should be the most harsh, they are not because I have continued to come around and show that I do all I can for my kids without the assistance of either of them or the government.  But, to place me personally in it as far as someone having the ability or tolerance to love me is ridiculous!  That caught my breathe for a split second as the sharp end broke my skin and I reacted to the initial pain.  Today, I still bleed from the wound.

All this was reported back to me by my ex.  He calmed me down and simply said, “you have known all this before so don’t let it bother you.  I know you aren’t putting our kids in danger.”  But, these are supposed to be my allies!  What the hell are allies if they aren’t your family?  This nail through my hand…I wanna act ignorant…don’t wanna see any of them….act as if they all died.  Would I be any better than my friend?  What about the the advice I tried to force feed my friend?  A heck of a horse pill to swallow and for what?   To honour my mother?   Turn the other cheek?  Show kindness which will be like pouring hot coals over their heads?  Pray, love, and do good towards them?  I don’t like to complain openly because it is weakness in my eyes but this hurts like hell…my eyes burn from the people who have cause my tears…my hands hurt because I wanna clinch them into a fist and fuck them up but I have a nail running through them….I want to say something in my defense but I know I have nothing to defend.

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. He who hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: “They hated me without reason”.  (John 15:18-25)

Without reason….if I had a reason then it may help but there is none….they hate because they can so they shall.

February 7, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment