32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Motherhood

My oldest son was sent home from school today because he has ringworm.  He has had it before and I say “ewwww” every time because, growing up, I only knew dirty little boys who had it.  Dirty as in you were sure that was dirt on their skin instead of their complexion.  The last time my son had ringworm was at least 3 years ago.  I remember because he was at my friend’s daycare in Indianapolis and she handled him like he had AIDS.  I was kinda pissed but then I let it go.  Anytime you hear “fungal infection” you think and react in an “ewww” way so I understand.  So, my sitter went to get him from school and I have to take him to the non-urgent care to get a prescription which, according to online, may require a 6-8 week dose but I am hoping as long as he keeps it covered he can return to school tomorrow.  Why?  Because my running day is tomorrow.  Does that sound selfish?

I do not mind if he has to stay home for the next week to give the medication time to absorb into his system and whatever else will make people feel a little bit better but I need to run during that week for about an hour 2-3 days.  It has nothing to do with my training.  I need to run and I feel a twinge of anger at my son for being the reason I have to skip running.  When I have no clue how he got it esp since my other son and I are fungal-free, that is irritating as well.  I got a text message yesterday which was kinda long but basically outlined all the things moms give up for their kids.  I, for one, have given up much for motherhood but I draw the line at my running.  If only for 3 miles, I need to run.  Thinking about it now I wonder if the school will call me whether he wears a bandage over it or not.  Whether I wash everything he has touched and bought him new sheets.  I will do anything as long as I get to run.  That is all I ask. 

I do not go clubbing, I do not travel, I do get my nails/hair/toes done often (I never get my nails done, I do my feet at home unless they start to feel rough which is every other month, and my hair is definitely every 6-8 weeks), I do not eat out, I do not shop for myself, I do not do anything I would prefer to do.  I do and have compromised on a lot of things that I loved to do pre-babies but I have never ever compromised on my running.  I even tried to run while pregnant but I kept getting this really bad stomach pains even when I power walked so slow I might as well not be moving at all.  As soon as I was released from the hospital, I laced up my Nikes and went running either outside or indoors on a treadmill.  I needed to resume some normalcy so when I came back to a crying baby, I didn’t go crazy and start screaming and wonder what the hell happened to my life.  I feel bad writing this but I only typed those 5 words so I will appear to care when I honestly do not.  I am still a loving mom who loves her kids but refuses to give up my running.  I could go on and on about how I love it but no one will understand because I have yet to find a running mom who feels as I do and I have yet to find a mom who sometimes screams out loud and needs a break from the kids and I have yet to find a mom who loves her kids to death and will cause death to anyone who harms them and I have yet to find a mom who remotely resembles the person she used to be pre-babies. 

It is the only thing I still have left just for me 😦 it is the preservation of me.  Am I a bad parent?  I really want to know although the truth of those 5 words is that I could care less.

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May 10, 2010 Posted by | Life, Mommy | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Balance

It’s Mother’s Day today but I do not feeling like writing about anything “mother” related.  My son’s birthday events were this weekend so I am indeed tired right now and needing a break from kids in general but they are asleep so I’m on my way to being good.  I ran my usual 6 miles.  I’d bought new running shoes but wonder why my ankles were killing me from the day I first ran in them.  I Googled ankle running injuries but found nothing so I decided to run in my old running shoes just to feel some normalcy.  I put both shoes on and felt different.  Then I took off one old shoe and put on one new shoe and realized the new shoe was much heavier than the old.  Ain’t that ’bout a b*tch!  So that is what I decided was the cause of my ankle pain….heavy shoes which were too much for my ankles to lift I guess.  I ran in my old shoes having added stretching back to my old regimen and my time was 45:29 – almost 7 minutes faster than my 6 mile run a couple of days ago.  I didn’t feel like I had run almost 7 minutes faster but I definitely felt stronger, my muscles didn’t feel tight, no screaming from my legs at all, and I felt good from start to finish.  Shave 5 minutes off that and I will definitely be within reach of a decent half-marathon finish.  I called Hanson Stadium (a track where I ran most of my city track meets during high school), they are open to the public so I have a place to do my speed workouts this summer.  The search is officially back on for new running shoes though.  I never thought the weight of the shoe could actually lead to a possible injury.  Lesson learned.

I’m still reading Midlife Crisis at 30 and finding out I need to pinpoint what makes me happy and how I want to live my life.  I do not care to have more kids because, although I love babies, starting over with sleepless nights and changing putrid diapers is not my thing.  I never knew whether I wanted kids until I delivered.  I watched over them like a hawk but it was more so militant protection than a normal maternal nature complete with soccer games, playdates, and Mozart music.  I knew I wanted to be married but I had no idea how to look for a mate, what I wanted in a mate, who I was, or what I wanted in life to know if he aligned with that.  I thought I knew love but I realized I knew loyalty and compromise more so sustaining it was a no-brainer and I wondered if love was just a way to translate how he too compromised and exhibited loyalty instead of love being an emotion felt.  My career was and is just a job I have to pay the bills.  Now, I like my job and it’s flexibility so I may stay till they boot me out since finding another job with such perks has been needle-in-a-haystack difficult.  I like wfh and seeing my kids to and from school.  I wouldn’t change anything but, at times, I feel like I should want to change it which is a fight I have with myself as a result of comparing myself to others’ career paths which I honestly do not want.  Me so crazy.  My next job or career move is TBD so when I know I will let everyone else know.

For 2010, my financial goal was to eliminate debt which has turned into not creating any more debt which has worked out somewhat.  My emergency fund is still going good although I should make some leeway in the next coming months when the kids leave for the summer freeing up childcare funds.  My goal is to have $10k in savings as my emergency fund which should be about 6-8 month expenses.  It’s May and I am officially half way there.  Next yr, I will put that money into a savings acct with a higher APY which keeps it liquid but work on saving toward a house.  I was toward 3.5% is a good amount to have although there are several programs to help you with your down-payment.  Also, working on my investments is numero uno on my list for next yr too.  I pray I am alive next yr because I still have a dent to make in my estate before I feel comfortable leaving this earth with nothing to give my kids although it’s not up to me.  This week I should be able to secure my life insurance policy….this has dragged on and on and on!  I do not spend as much as I thought, I am very conservative & frugal, and I have great discipline when it comes to money.  I am proud of myself when it was only a yr or two ago that I had no savings, loads of debt, paydays loans, and a disconnect notice for an electric bill that amounted to hundreds of dollars.  I think I have found a good balance.

Mr. D called me crazy this weekend and he is absolutely correct.  I wish I could lie and say I’m not but I am.  Not medically crazy but crazy in some behavioral ways – definitely.  It’s been almost a yr since we started dating so I sat down and thought about how life would be if we got married today.  Had a baby today.  We aren’t near that point (esp since he thinks I am crazy but I wanted place 2012 on the current situation and see how things would look.  I do not like it because I see myself being a single mom with a baby since he will work 20 hours of a 24 hour day, I will get significant face-time only because we will live together, he does not listen to me, and although he respects a woman who makes more than he does she will still be expected to do most of the household chores which is asinine.  I think the bulk of my issues lie with not being heard and having him hear only half of what I am saying and offering solutions when I did not ask him for it.  I offer advice on some of his financial matters and he does not heed my warnings.  I tell him outright to stop doing A immediately and do B now and he says “ok” but does nothing.  I vent about my job and how I do not get SQL 2005 platforms and how it has anything to do with Windows 7 and our software at work but he offers advice on it just to hear his self talk.  I wonder if he respects me as a woman – he says “yes”.  I wonder if he listens to my financial advice – he says “yes”.  I wonder if he sees me as his equal knowing the day will never come when “cook” will be my daily role – he says “yes”.  All that translates into is lies because his actions do not align with the words coming from his mouth which would be detrimental to Denisha Inc. 

My problem has never been what my life is supposed to be.  I tend to enjoy it as it is and make changes when I need to.  My job funds my goals right now since I have no clear direction on how to make the world a better place just yet.  My running is going well and I am excited to keep running and add speedwork to my training.  I bought $3 non-cotton running shorts from Family Dollar so I was über excited and got a pack of tanks for free.  I have a book on hold at the library called The Intelligent Investor which explains value investing and is allegedly a Top 10 Books on Investing.  I do know many men personally whom I respect.  Most I meet have pride issues, think I ask too many questions, think I am nosey because I want to protect my interests, and find my non-traditional ways unlike their mom’s whether they admit it or not.  My dating life will continue to suffer as a result.  Not sure how the story called my life will unfold next but, in the meantime, I will continue what I do best.  Protect the foundation of Denisha Inc keeping it protected and running strong for the interest of its two little future heirs.

May 9, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Eyes of Innocence

My 8 year old son goes to a community program every Tuesday & Thursday for various activities.  On Tuesday, they usually have Bible Study but right now, since it’s close to a school vacation, they have group play time instead which involves gym and games and will resume Bible Study in April.  On Thursday, they have a bigger group of kids (3rd to 6th grade if I’m not mistaken) who attend and I assume they are broken down by grade level and play games again.  This program has a transportation that picks my son up and drops him back off at home.  He has never had a problem with the program often excited to go and eager to run around and play with other kids most of which attend his school.  I have never had a problem with him going either….until today.  I think it’s still Thursday night in WP (WordPress) land so I will say tonight when my son came home he said:

(son) “mom, how long are we going to stay here?”

(me) “What do you mean?  In this apartment?”

(son) “No, in Chicago”

(me) “Why?”

(son) “I don’t wanna live here anymore because there are too many murders here”

Instantly, I looked up and he wasn’t smiling, laughing, or fidgeting.  He spoke clear and confident in what he was saying and in how he felt so I asked why or what had happened to make him say such a thing.  Apparently, during snack time at the program tonight, a fight broke out between 2 boys.   One boy grabbed the other boy by his hair and basically bashed his face into the floor until blood was all over his face.  My son told me this.  No one called from the program.  Maybe they will eventually because I’m sure parents (myself included) will call wanting to know what the freak happened!  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t want to show emotions and give him the right to be afraid or fearful although he did finally say, “I don’t want that to happen to me”.  What could I say?!  Don’t befriend the wrong people?  People will seek the quiet and reserved and pick fights….that’s what bullies and kids do.  What should I do?!  Move every time he feels unsafe or threatened because I’d never live anywhere.  Kids doing something that is reminiscent of a prison fight from a movie.

He is a good kid.  Why he thought to use the word “murder” I have no idea.  Maybe it was the amount of blood on the kids’ face that he saw.  He has never seen such violence and he shouldn’t get used to it either.  All I know is that he will no longer go to this program because, clearly, allowing all the kids in the community to attend is not a good idea.  A few bad apples?  Yeah, there are many little kids and families in this neighborhood.  It is a Hispanic neighborhood and I have seen quite a few boys who seem to stand around, cuss loudly, fight, or even be violent every now and then.  It’s nothing like the black neighborhood I grew up in and these situations are rare but it’s still a problem when enough of these bad apples congregate where there is no control.  My son fights with his brother, fights with his cousins, fights with his friend at the playground, etc but this is new to him when people intentional hurt others and there is blood.  He will not go back but I wonder what damage this has done to him.

March 25, 2010 Posted by | Life, Mommy | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Confused

Today I am a big ball of confusion.  I have been in these bouts for the past few months off and on about every part of my life.  My kids are at that point where I need a vacation from them.  I might have to explain for the non-parents or for the parents who have the perfect child(ren).  Well, my boys tend to work my nerves sometimes and I usually need a break from them (and vice versa) at some point before I lose it.  What is “it”?  My sanity, my temper, my understanding that kids have a limitless amount of energy & boys fight often, or my grip with reality that no parent is perfect and there will be days when I need to ask someone close to me to watch them for a weekend just so I can catch my breathe.  One talks back and I’ve smacked him right in the mouth on several occasions while I calmly look him in the eye as he cries and say, “now, next time you will do what I asked you and save your lil comments for someone who cares because if I wanted your opinion on how I should raise you I would have asked for it.  It’s ok to have a viewpoint, to be an individual, or to even voice your concerns but I am the one who makes all final decisions and not a nan one of those will be subjected to your poor excuse for negotiating your way into my parenting.  Got it?”  Might be a little too much for an 8yo to grasp but he is beginning to understand that talking back is never a good thing and he is still a child until further notice.  My 4yo seems to have an accident (pee) at the most inopportune times.  If this child doesn’t go to the bathroom at the moment his body alerts him then it’s too late.   You know how many times a week I do laundry?  In addition to that, they are both outgrowing everything!  What is the point of winter shopping if the clothes barely last throughout this one season?!  I need a break from my kids.

Usually, at the end of the month I put together an Executive Summary for each outsourcing client.  My sup processes the files and makes note of anything that should be added to the report and I put the report together.  Well, part of that report involves a Featured Analysis which, for this month, involves highlighting the area where the most charges are incurred by bank service grouping.  I had a small meeting with my sup who told me if a certain situation arises to just do “A”.  That situation arose and I did “A” as instructed but not before one client’s bank re-sent a file which had to be re-processed and my report had to be done all over again.  Then, I emailed all 5 (only half of them) to her for approval and she emails me back with corrections or suggestions.  No big deals, I don’t mind constructive criticism but when you criticize what we clearly discussed involving “A” then I have a problem.  Now, I have learned to only send her the final reports when she does not have too much time to critique every single thing including how I typed my name at the bottom of the report.  Every bit of anal.

I don’t know if I mentioned the company I work for getting sold.  It hasn’t yet but since the founders & owners are approaching retirement age, it just might happen this year or next.  So, I have been thinking about my future and where I want to be as well as what I want to be doing career-wise.  Basically, nothing involves Chicago anymore.  I wondered from day 1 why I was brought here I think I am beginning to see that.  Now, it’s time for me to leave.  The same itch I felt when I left Chicago for Lafayette and Lafayette for Indianapolis and the same itch I felt when I left Indianapolis for Chicago is what I am starting to feel now.  I might very well be here another 2 yrs maybe but the itch is there and I no longer feel the need to stay here which brings me to Mr.D.  I have this thing where I must sign up for something, let it settle, even go through the motions and see if it’s for me, and then be able to tell myself “yes” or “no” with complete certainty before I can move on.  When I thought about getting back with my ex-husband I told him so, he was extremely excited, he said it was music to his ears, and I began to see myself walk back down that road to him with his arms open wide ready to hold me in complete happiness.  But, I started to walk backwards, I began to fret, I realized that all my eyes were seeing was a man with horns on either side of his head and fire burning in the background where he stood.  I knew I didn’t want to go back to him or give our marriage another chance but, when my minister asked me if I was sure or if I’d even tried, I didn’t know until I “tested” it out.  Yes, I played with his emotions but now I have clarity….at the expense of his heart I guess.  A test is still a test and I am still looking for rats to run around this maze called Life.

That brings me to Mr.D … not sure about him anymore.  He put a title on it (which is what I wanted), he cares a lot for me, I care about him, but  maybe I just wanted to see if I wanted him as much as my emotions did.  My mind must be convinced or else my heart won’t be allowed to stay but, oddly enough, when my mind speaks my heart forgets about those feelings that used to exist if they ever did at all.  Mr.D’s future?  I have no clue.  The man has been dreaming of opening his own shop since I met him (black folks and their cookie cutter dreams).  It’s 3 yrs later almost and he is no where near that goal esp since he is constantly losing clientele cause he works at his other job too much.  He is an entrepeneur at heart but he slaves away at a job where he is underappreciated, over-worked, and not happy.  I asked about his business plan…he doesn’t have one.  He asked me to research grants for him.  Fine, what are your estimated start-up costs?  He has no idea.  A ballpark figure?  He gave a range of $75,000 (ridiculous).  Do you have a location?  City?  Suburb?  No clue.  Do you even have a name yet?  Nope.  Great.  I thought my dreams still in a stage of infancy were bad….his aren’t even fertilized yet.  I don’t know why I thought adding a title would make it officially special but, nope, still the same person which the same 2 issues that have always irritated me but he is my friend so it makes it worthwhile.  However (there is always a however), we need to get this worked out.

The story of Noah, the ark, & the flood is fabricated.  Factual evidence does not exist to support this tale.  Facts is where my mind thrives.  I’m not confused about my faith or in whom I believe.  I guess my focus is narrow now and more concentrated because, as the Bible is discounted left and right, I feel it’s still not a good enough argument against Christianity.  It’s cute to debate fellow Christians but it’s childs play.  It’s cute to hear sermons complete with yelling, sweat, and scriptures but the power comes from what is real and what is not.  What good is quoting Paul if Paul never existed (just an example)?  Christianity has been under attack for ages so it’s no surprise.  The surprise is why no one speaks of it from within the church.  What other biblical stories are rooted more in fiction than anything?  I need to die with a clear notion of where my faith falls and where it stands strong.  Science has no place in religion.  Religion has no place in government.  Government has no place in politics.  Politics has no place in humanity.  Yet humanity has a place in science, religion, government, and politics.  What the hell is true and what the hell is not?  I’m not asking myself or anyone reading this.  Before I die I need to know what is real and what is false because the facts are just that….facts!  You can’t deny facts and faith isn’t enough to stretch the truth to fit any dogma.  A fellow blogger talks about God needing a Press Secretary.  There comes a time when not knowing is perfectly fine but to not want to know is an abomination so I ask my God whom I grew up believing in to tell me what is the truth.  Not as a dare, or a threat, or an ultimatum…if for God I live and for God I die then I pray He doesn’t leave me to die with questions in my head and accuse me of never believing.

March 1, 2010 Posted by | Christian, Life | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Role Models

I have never thought of myself as a role model to anyone.  I have kids so naturally you’d think I’d expect that but….nope.  Maybe because I saw my parents eventually as humans and accepted them for that more than I ever could when I looked at them as if they were perfect.  I raise my kids, discipline them, nourish them, train them, teach them, and equip them for what they will need once they leave the nest.  I in no way take that as being a Role Model.  Of course, I try to lead by example but there are also times when I make sure they know what not to copy mommy doing or saying and what they should.  Picturesque paintings of role models is the reason most athletes hate the idea of it….it’s not realistic and not worth the look in a youngster’s eyes when they realize you really are human.  How can I apologize for being human?  Why must I apologize for being human?  Wouldn’t that do more harm to pick role models based on their stellar performance, history, connections, outer appearance, etc? 

I remember my first role model…my dad.  He encouraged me to ask any question I wanted to no matter if that person knew the answer or not.  He knew a lot about the world as if he read a library full of books, he could do math my mom only wished she could do, and he spoke with authority and people listened.  He taught me to be a woman but have the power and authority of a man.  I love my uncles.  They are smart, funny, cute, and fun.  I thought they were awesome…still do.  They taught me to be tough physically but ladylike too.  It’s a tough balance to keep.  Then I met my teacher’s daughter who inspired me to go to college and learn all kinda new words simply because she said “flexible” and I’d never heard of that word before.  She introduced me to a world outside the ‘hood where I talked like everyone else and I only used words I have heard others use on a daily basis (and they get mad when kids cuss…that’s all I hear!)  I love every gym teacher I’ve ever had because I liked sports, was extremely competitive, and was more of a tomboy growing up.  I loved my Chemistry teacher in high school because she was a black lady, she would get an attitude with me real quick, and she knew her stuff.  She didn’t take it easy on me at all and made me love chemistry to this day.  I love women who lived during times of great etiquette, style, and grace.  The way they wore dresses only (no slacks), sat down lightly (didn’t fall into the chair), spoke softly but firmly, held good posture, knew how to wear heels, and just be a woman men love to please.  These women have gotten me far in life when it comes to making myself stand out from the rest.  I do have to put the jeans away from time to time but when I wear a dress and just look elegant and classy….men notice.  It’s not all about the men though….it’s about having some sophistication about yourself that tells others you are different than the rest.  And now Mama Allen is my role model.  I called her earlier this week after not talking to her in forever, she answered the phone asking how I was doing, I said I was disappointed, she asked why, and I said “because you haven’t called me!” in my most whiny voice ever.  She starts to laugh and I hear her mom in the background talking about dishes in the sink lol.  She’s a regular ole person who happens to be a minister….I like regular folks. 

At church, I realize there are some youngsters who seem to like me.  One girl always comes to ask to use my lip gloss lol never fails!  I almost bought her a lil Mary Kay lip gloss set of her own till I realized she was just tryna try out my color on her face.  Another youngster always gives me big hugs, asks why I missed the Prayer Line saturday morning (didn’t know he’d noticed), and how I thought I was looking cute today (lol always).  Another youngster boy would just give me a hug like I was his big sis.  My brother does the same thing…those lightweight feather hugs where you don’t wanna touch your sis’ breast but you hug them like family still.  Every time, he walks up to me and hugs…catches me off guard every time too.  Another youngster sat with me after church and didn’t move for some reason so I started talking about my purse and how I’d spilled hand sanitizer all in the inner pocket and we tried perfume my mom had just given me.  I sprayed her and we smelled it then I spray the second one on her and we both gagged lol we didn’t like the 2nd one!

What I am saying is that….I like being liked although I don’t understand why I am liked.  I don’t make an effort to be liked and I don’t really get along with teenagers but they seem to get along with me (the less attitudy ones that is).  Having someone look up to you is asking a lot.  You gotta say the right thing, dress the right way, act the right way, and just do all the right stuff because someone is always looking trying to emulate you.  I guess it’s nice to not be conceited although that’s the vote from most adults and I guess it’s nice to not be anti-social although that’s the vote from most adults as well.  Maybe, when I am being me, having fun, saying whatever comes to me, and telling my life story uncensored…teenagers like the realistic approach.  I don’t know but I don’t think I’m a bad person.  I don’t think I’m a saint either.  I’ll just continue to be me and try to do more positive things in case any of them is watching….going to church more often might be a step in the right direction if not for me then for my kids and other folks kids.  Cutting into my weekend time to do nothing around the house 😦

January 12, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , | Leave a comment