32B's Blog

…where I write my words

My Life – Updates

Went out today with the intentions of running another 6 miles – my usual.  It was warm today but not humid which is great because my breathing does not do well in humid conditions which is why I am praying for cooler weather come Sept for just that weekend at least.  Anywho, I fuss over what to wear.  Not sure anyone else does this but I do.  I wear simple basic clothing (not always famous brand names) that must fit my body well.  Today, I wore $3 running shorts from Family Dollar and a white tank I bought from the corner store for $2.  The only famous name brands I wore was my Nike shoes, Nike watch, and Victoria’s Secret racerback bra.  My shorts and tank fit snugly and I looked good (imo, my booty is to die for).  I was going running but I made sure I looked good running lol I know, sounds trivial!  By mile 1 I was feeling good telling myself to stay relaxed and just run since I decided to just run and not focus on time although my watch was still ticking.  I was feeling so good I kept running past my normal turn around points till I had finished 9.5 miles.  When my mind started to progress the distance, it was too late….I had already ran to the point of no return and had to run back unless I didn’t plan on going back home at all.  That is what I do to myself.  By the time I reached about the 8 mile mark, my thighs were beginning to feel fatigued from the constant movement although I was careful not to overspend myself.  One foot in front of the other, inhale & exhale through my nose only, relax my arms/shoulders/face, and enjoy the run to see where it takes me.  I am proud of myself.  It’s supposed to rain Thursday but a little rain never hurt anyone.  Truthfully, I can be a bit of an exhibitionist.  No one calls you that if your body looks good.  The fat chick?  Call the police now!!

My personal finances have stalled a little bit.  I lost track of bills since switching to e-bills so now I have switched back to paper.  Yes, I am killing trees but these late fees from forgotten bills are no joke.  Not too far behind but it is messing up my monthly contribution to my savings account which means June may see no contribution at all while I fix my mistakes and pay other bills completely off.  May saw a $200 decrease.  July should be back to normal with my goal of $500-800/month put aside till the kids get back from summer vacation.  If I fall behind on my emergency funds goal then I will not be prepared to invest full-time next year.  Still into my investing books for now.  I have most of my papers squared away.  My friend joked that I am “ready to die” lol …. on paper?  Yes.  Spiritually?  Hardly so.  I read in one of my books that the people who have enough money set aside to take care of small emergencies and/or to live on for a few months sleep more soundly at night than those with not a dollar saved.  I do sleep soundly but I do not put faith in my account balance.  God has a way of showing you who’s God and making sure you always put your faith where it should be so, quite frankly, I am still afraid of Him.  However, I am not stupid.  God does give us common sense.  Save save save!!

Job is going well.  I officially work independently which I can state with confidence since I’ve had that line on my resume for years now.  My supervisor acts as if I work for myself, by myself, and am in need of little to no supervision.  So, I do just that.  If I have a question, I find the answer on my own.  If I need a connection to a database made, I contact our Director of Implementation and finish my work.  If I need my supervisor at all, it’s to go through him to our manager for something.  Other than that, I work as if I am a department of one.  I am in charge of my customers and anything they have an issue with and any place where I drop the ball.  Lots of responsibility and room to prove yourself but also lots of room to make mistakes with no hiding them.  I have had customers who did not like my answer, go to my supervisor with the entire string of emails we’ve sent back and forth expecting my supervisor to reprimand me.  He stood by my decision.  Vote of confidence indeed.  Weight on my shoulders as well.  I went from a department of 2 to another department of 2 – I don’t think I’d make it in a regular job with a bigger company where managers love to micromanage the hell outta everyone.  I like the freedom and the trust placed in my abilities.  I like making sure my solutions/suggestions will stand up in the court of my manager’s critique.  I like the independence.  I like being held accountable.  I like being challenged.  I like finding the solution.  I like staring at my computer for hours trying to solve various puzzles.  I like it all.

Mr. D – nothing to comment on really.  He is still here.  I broke up with him.  He asked if we can get back together.  I broke it off because we rarely do couple stuff together like go see a movie, grab something to eat, sit outside for hours and talk – ya know?  We talk on the phone for hours and hours but that is no different than friendships I’ve had with guys!  Normal stuff we hardly do because he works like 3 jobs.  Then I ask myself, what if he worked only 1 job?  Well, then I wouldn’t want to go out as much, he’d probably be clingy, and I’d be annoyed with him.  I told him he spends more time with his brother than he does with me.  He said that’s because they are roommates.  This brother said Mr. D is always with me and prb has a toothbrush at my apt.  One day while at the mall, his brother told Mr. D to just buy a ring already and make it official.  Mr. D replied that he’s not ready for marriage just yet.  He asked if I was happy.  I said yes as long as we spend more quality time together.  I asked if he was happy.  He said no because we had broken up.  I asked if he sees me in his future.  He said yes.  He promised to stop and smell the roses more instead of walking right by them.  I said we shall see.  So far, he has made good on his effort to carve out QT.  His brother and I seem to think Mr. D is spending lots of time with the other person (kinda funny).  My friend told me to get a life.  I have one.  I work, run, play mommy, and have my own social life too.  Work only consumes a small portion.  The rest is spent smelling roses.  I want someone who is into smelling roses too from time to time or just wanna run through them for fun.  Like I said, Mr. D – nothing to really comment on.

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June 2, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Guess

Guess who is to be featured in their company’s upcoming newsletter?  ME!!  Since I took over the Corporate Systems Support Specialist (I added the word “specialist”) role from another co-worker who took a QA position, I have had to tell everyone who emails or calls why Bill isn’t answering or replying instead.  Usually, people do not care as long as they have an answer to their question(s) but sometimes you get those faithful regular customers who have grown familiar with talking to the same person about various issue for the last couple of years.  Well, I do not mind telling them Bill has moved on a better position and I am taking over.  What kinda irks me is the disappointment I hear in their voices.  My goodness!  But, featuring me in the company newsletter should serve as an official announcement so I can stop answering the “Who are you and where is Bill?” inquiries.  It’s bad enough I’m a woman now I gotta deal with the obvious scepticism that I know half of what Bill does.  No, I do not know as much as Bill but he was here 5 yrs giving him a 2 yr advantage so let me play catch-up.  Anywho, we had donuts today to celebrate his last day which isn’t really his last day but, after Monday, different people within the office have different work-from-home days so you gotta catch them all when you can.  Donuts – this is why America is an obese country.  We have donuts for every occasion here.  Not complaining….I’m just saying.

That was pretty much it but guess what?  I want everyone to stop by Tinker Bell’s blog since today is her birthday 🙂  No one knows Tinker Bell (Zvonka).  I only know her via my blog but I feel like she’s a sweet caring bad ass chick (my form of compliment).  I love birthdays so I hope you are having an awesome day.  Until then, good day mates 🙂

May 17, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , | 3 Comments

Balance

It’s Mother’s Day today but I do not feeling like writing about anything “mother” related.  My son’s birthday events were this weekend so I am indeed tired right now and needing a break from kids in general but they are asleep so I’m on my way to being good.  I ran my usual 6 miles.  I’d bought new running shoes but wonder why my ankles were killing me from the day I first ran in them.  I Googled ankle running injuries but found nothing so I decided to run in my old running shoes just to feel some normalcy.  I put both shoes on and felt different.  Then I took off one old shoe and put on one new shoe and realized the new shoe was much heavier than the old.  Ain’t that ’bout a b*tch!  So that is what I decided was the cause of my ankle pain….heavy shoes which were too much for my ankles to lift I guess.  I ran in my old shoes having added stretching back to my old regimen and my time was 45:29 – almost 7 minutes faster than my 6 mile run a couple of days ago.  I didn’t feel like I had run almost 7 minutes faster but I definitely felt stronger, my muscles didn’t feel tight, no screaming from my legs at all, and I felt good from start to finish.  Shave 5 minutes off that and I will definitely be within reach of a decent half-marathon finish.  I called Hanson Stadium (a track where I ran most of my city track meets during high school), they are open to the public so I have a place to do my speed workouts this summer.  The search is officially back on for new running shoes though.  I never thought the weight of the shoe could actually lead to a possible injury.  Lesson learned.

I’m still reading Midlife Crisis at 30 and finding out I need to pinpoint what makes me happy and how I want to live my life.  I do not care to have more kids because, although I love babies, starting over with sleepless nights and changing putrid diapers is not my thing.  I never knew whether I wanted kids until I delivered.  I watched over them like a hawk but it was more so militant protection than a normal maternal nature complete with soccer games, playdates, and Mozart music.  I knew I wanted to be married but I had no idea how to look for a mate, what I wanted in a mate, who I was, or what I wanted in life to know if he aligned with that.  I thought I knew love but I realized I knew loyalty and compromise more so sustaining it was a no-brainer and I wondered if love was just a way to translate how he too compromised and exhibited loyalty instead of love being an emotion felt.  My career was and is just a job I have to pay the bills.  Now, I like my job and it’s flexibility so I may stay till they boot me out since finding another job with such perks has been needle-in-a-haystack difficult.  I like wfh and seeing my kids to and from school.  I wouldn’t change anything but, at times, I feel like I should want to change it which is a fight I have with myself as a result of comparing myself to others’ career paths which I honestly do not want.  Me so crazy.  My next job or career move is TBD so when I know I will let everyone else know.

For 2010, my financial goal was to eliminate debt which has turned into not creating any more debt which has worked out somewhat.  My emergency fund is still going good although I should make some leeway in the next coming months when the kids leave for the summer freeing up childcare funds.  My goal is to have $10k in savings as my emergency fund which should be about 6-8 month expenses.  It’s May and I am officially half way there.  Next yr, I will put that money into a savings acct with a higher APY which keeps it liquid but work on saving toward a house.  I was toward 3.5% is a good amount to have although there are several programs to help you with your down-payment.  Also, working on my investments is numero uno on my list for next yr too.  I pray I am alive next yr because I still have a dent to make in my estate before I feel comfortable leaving this earth with nothing to give my kids although it’s not up to me.  This week I should be able to secure my life insurance policy….this has dragged on and on and on!  I do not spend as much as I thought, I am very conservative & frugal, and I have great discipline when it comes to money.  I am proud of myself when it was only a yr or two ago that I had no savings, loads of debt, paydays loans, and a disconnect notice for an electric bill that amounted to hundreds of dollars.  I think I have found a good balance.

Mr. D called me crazy this weekend and he is absolutely correct.  I wish I could lie and say I’m not but I am.  Not medically crazy but crazy in some behavioral ways – definitely.  It’s been almost a yr since we started dating so I sat down and thought about how life would be if we got married today.  Had a baby today.  We aren’t near that point (esp since he thinks I am crazy but I wanted place 2012 on the current situation and see how things would look.  I do not like it because I see myself being a single mom with a baby since he will work 20 hours of a 24 hour day, I will get significant face-time only because we will live together, he does not listen to me, and although he respects a woman who makes more than he does she will still be expected to do most of the household chores which is asinine.  I think the bulk of my issues lie with not being heard and having him hear only half of what I am saying and offering solutions when I did not ask him for it.  I offer advice on some of his financial matters and he does not heed my warnings.  I tell him outright to stop doing A immediately and do B now and he says “ok” but does nothing.  I vent about my job and how I do not get SQL 2005 platforms and how it has anything to do with Windows 7 and our software at work but he offers advice on it just to hear his self talk.  I wonder if he respects me as a woman – he says “yes”.  I wonder if he listens to my financial advice – he says “yes”.  I wonder if he sees me as his equal knowing the day will never come when “cook” will be my daily role – he says “yes”.  All that translates into is lies because his actions do not align with the words coming from his mouth which would be detrimental to Denisha Inc. 

My problem has never been what my life is supposed to be.  I tend to enjoy it as it is and make changes when I need to.  My job funds my goals right now since I have no clear direction on how to make the world a better place just yet.  My running is going well and I am excited to keep running and add speedwork to my training.  I bought $3 non-cotton running shorts from Family Dollar so I was über excited and got a pack of tanks for free.  I have a book on hold at the library called The Intelligent Investor which explains value investing and is allegedly a Top 10 Books on Investing.  I do know many men personally whom I respect.  Most I meet have pride issues, think I ask too many questions, think I am nosey because I want to protect my interests, and find my non-traditional ways unlike their mom’s whether they admit it or not.  My dating life will continue to suffer as a result.  Not sure how the story called my life will unfold next but, in the meantime, I will continue what I do best.  Protect the foundation of Denisha Inc keeping it protected and running strong for the interest of its two little future heirs.

May 9, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Uncertainty…ugh!!

This past week or two have left me in a state of uncertainty.  Anyone who truly knows my real personality (and not what I decide to show people), know that uncertainity…gray areas…ambiguity…indefinites make me lose my sanity for a second (ok, a few hours).  Last week, my supervisor and another co-worker pulled me aside to tell me I will be moving from the Outsourcing dept to the Support dept.  During my meeting with my manager, he told me about my raise & bonus and did mention he may be hiring someone new to take over an opening in Support so I didn’t think anything of it.  Well, the Support guru we currently have in that position has been offered a permanent QA position so he may or may not take it (if there’s a pay increase he def will since he has been offered this position before).  I guess I am kinda “shaken” because I would be shifting my focus from one direction to another. 

Now I understand the shifting because, since I’ve been there (and before I got there) this small ex-couple company has shifted people from dept to dept instead of hiring folks for a new opening.  They take an employee from one dept that can stand to lose one and place them somewhere else that is hurting for help.  This is what I knew about the benefits of working with a small company….your expertise and skills can be vast because you do dept hop often as opposed to a bigger company where you only do one thing the entire time you’re there.  Honestly, I was hired for a Support position so going back to that position is not a bad deal….just disheartening because Support requires me to take calls from our customers who have bought our software.  This will open the door for questions about things I flat out don’t know yet and, in answer to my limited knowledge base, my current supervisor said she was just thrown in too & learned that way…..great.  I am not complaining because I def know some folks don’t have a job or would rather have mine….just reflecting on the good things that may come from this shift.  Sometimes you do have to remind yourself that your life really isn’t that bad since we tend to freak out first.  Or, maybe that’s just me.  Same pay. Same hours. Same work-from-home days (I hope they don’t change that).  More time to read & study other things that interest me such as investments & money.

So, this has led to some uncertainty because my once confident feeling in my overall job is gone.  As a result, I have scaled back or completely canceled any trips except one (my sorority’s 30th anniversary/reunion) in an effort to save as much money as possible just in case.  On another note, Mr. D & I have agreed to one date night a month.  That prb does not sound often enough but, truly, I don’t see how I can fit it in any more.  Finding a sitter is one task.  Paying for a non-sister sitter is another task.  And, being free from my kids for any moment of time & fighting the urge to chill at home solo is a third task.  I like my alone time.  I like being with my kids (when they aren’t irritating me).  And I like being with Mr. D.  So, our date night is next weekend.  What?  Where?  I have no clue.  He still comes over some times during the week.  We talked up hella minutes over the phone regularly.  And, that’s it lol I just don’t feel like being up under anyone all the time esp when I love my alone time with just me me me me me!!

Went running today.  I was gonna do only 3 miles but then I realized I have to stick with my goal of at least 6 miles esp if I plan to seriously run the Chicago Half…..3 miles will not cut it.  I was fine in the beginning of the run till my calves started to tighten.  That is by far the worse ever because whenever my calves tighten then my entire leg feels heavy and every step is a struggle to stay loose, extend my stride, and just run with normal posture.  I slowed my pace & kept my breathing in check.  I did finish but when I got to about the 5 mile mark, I had to stop and walk for a few minutes.  I didn’t walk any ground of the 6 miles (didn’t wanna cheat myself out of the full 6 mile run) but I did walk around in that one area.  I got home 50:42 mins later which is 5 mins slower than my best time but I still have 6 months to go.  I’d like to run the 6 miles in 40 mins to have any chance of more than doubling that in less than 2 hours.  Overall, just taking this moment to waste my head (before I freak out further) and see where the wind takes me but I still have more work to do so I better get back to work….hasta leugo! 🙂

March 9, 2010 Posted by | Career, Life | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ignorant Bliss

Here_by_GingerRoseI went school shopping this weekend and one thing led to another, something was said, then it got me to thinking, and I ended up here…..maybe ignorance is bliss.  My oldest struggles with math.  Trust me, it irritates me to no end because my insides want to scream when I try to explain something that is so basic it should require no explaining.  It just is.  Get it.  Grasp it.  Understand it.  His problem?  He works through the problems too fast and he miscounts in this hurry to get homework over with.  Not a big issue when I look at the overall picture though.  My baby sister is moving out south.  Yes, she’s breaking the code of honor which clearly states that no Chi Westsider shall EVER permanently dwell on the southside….we are calling a meeting to revoke her Westside card.  Anywho, she mentioned that she will have the kids for a weekend prb every so often and take them to DuSable Museum since it’s close to her new apartment.  For those that don’t know, DuSable Museum is dedicated to African-American history.  I have never been to the museum unless I was so young I don’t remember but I assume it covers our history from slavery til now with the Obama era.  I don’t want my kids to go but I didn’t know how to tell my sis that because I barely understood the reason myself.  I have my reason and I will try to explain it here.

My theory is this: if someone does not know there is a force out there, rather major or minor, then they can never accuse that force or be victim to that force they don’t know exists.  Right?  If I never knew the sun radiated heat could I blame it for making me hot?  I’d blame other factors such as too many people in this room generating body heat, my wearing too many clothes, the earth’s core heating too fast or too much, or whatever else since the sun is not a possible factor because all I know is that it gives light.  If my kids never know about racism and this “blame the white man syndrome” then maybe they will never blame their failures on the “white man” or use racism (whether evidenced or not) for a reason why they are not prosperous in life.  I understand the notion of knowing where you came to know where you are to go or how ever it’s said, but I believe black men have a crutch sometimes esp when it comes to blaming others for their mishaps.  Racism exists.  Does it have power over us?  The difference here lies in one’s faith too.  Some argue that ignorance is not bliss but can do more damage than good.  God never told Adam & Eve they were naked.  He specifically told them not to eat from the tree that would make them aware of their situation knowing it will cause them unnecessary worry and place more on them than they needed since He was in control of everything and once they knew too much they would forget He was in control and start acting plum fools….exhibit A is found in Genesis.  I don’t know all the details and scientific, biblical, and other facts found in some big million page book…..all I know is this supports my theory.  God knew their ignorance would be a protection for them instead of a crutch.  They didn’t even know who Satan was and, to have explained that to Adam & Eve, would have opened a can of worms too.  All he said was don’t eat from that tree. 

Back to the sun notion, if we never knew Satan existed would we blame him still for everything?  Get thee behind me Satan.  I send Satan back to hell from whence he come.  I curse Satan at his roots and all his angels.  Satan is the cause for this.  Satan has stirred this up.  Satan is the reason for my pain, my hurt, my dispair, my everything I struggle with….blame it on Satan.  What if we didn’t know Satan existed?  If all we knew was God and good?  Well, for starters, we wouldn’t be living with the Eve curse but….besides that….a lot would be different.  The way we think.  The way we process things.  The way we live.  We’d trust God more because we’d know no one else exists to yank our chains and confuse us.  We’d probably be more obedient because there is no scapegoat to blame our sins on…I have done this many times.  “Naw, it was Satan who made me do it.  He know I have a weakness for tall dark brothas and here this fool come walking up to me looking all good and smelling so right!  Satan put those thoughts in my head, he made me feel those desires, and that’s how it happened.  No fault of my own!”  If I didn’t know about Satan I’d probably think I need more discipline, I am weak, I need to get closer to God, not put myself in situations & places that are tempting, I need to pray more, I need to study the Bible more, I need to put on my armor, etc……”I” and God.  Of course the only counter argument here (know where & what the holes are in your argument) is Job.  He knew that Satan exists along with his schemes but Job was a smart man who still trusted God.  Not a single person from his clique blamed Satan, they blamed God because they all knew Satan can’t do shyt without God’s ok.

Someone may argue that my sons must know about racism so they can prepare for the real world when they enter it.  I know that part and I understand it but I don’t agree with it totally.  I agree that we all need to know what we’re getting into before we get somewhere so we know how to navigate but part of the problem is we think too much.  Yes, I just typed that…ring the alarm.  We think too much.  We try to process things on our own.  When we gain knowledge we forget about pertinent things such as Satan has rights and does nothing without God’s permission, we don’t need to fear racism or the alleged power of the “white man”, circumstances and shyt happens for a reason and no one knows that reason but God, and in the beginning He was all they needed so in the end He’s all we need.  A small (understatement) part of the reason is because I don’t know how to explain the “why” questions that may come from my oldest.  My youngest will likely look and not understand but he may carry a mental image of something I don’t want him to see.  My oldest will ask questions, interrogate, analyze, and question my “mom” answer until he is satisfied.  If I say this happened because they hated us then he will think “they” still do hate us which is not the focus when the focus should be “so what!”  The fear of lynchings, bombings, police dogs, fire hoses, draggings, rapes, auctions, beatings, mutilations, and now the current issues with our people such as complexion hatred or jealousy, good & bad hair, talking white, acting white, Bill Cosby alliance, and uppity Uncle Tom Negros….it’s too much and I don’t know when they will be ready to know all this.  Maybe when they start dating lil fast chicks at age 30….then they will be ready.  Until then, don’t eat from that freakin tree….God said so.  Not really a lie. (White girl in pic has no hidden meaning. I didn’t put her there….Satan did)

August 24, 2009 Posted by | Life, Spiritual | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Five Minute Teaching

lipsI got a call this time last week from one of my Prayer Warriors.  I smile as I typed that line because I am thinking who the hell would want me to pray for them?!  Anywho, she called because she is assigned to do the Five Minute Teaching for our meeting scheduled for this Saturday but, due to medical reasons, she cannot.  So, I’m holding the phone saying “un huh un huh” wondering why she called me when it dawned on me that I am the secretary so she just wanted me to know in advance so I can excuse her absence.  No problem.  Wrong!  She had already spoken to our Ministry Leader but was calling to ask me to take her place and do the Five Minute Teaching.  Come again?!  I don’t teach…anything.  I sit, listen, maybe take notes, read along in my Bible, but I don’t stand up and speak.  I also don’t say no when someone asks me to do something at church.  Freakin rock and a hard place.  I had facilitated a book for the Prayer Ministry and I have facilitated a chapter for my Sunday School class.  No big deal.  One was because no one else had raised their hand and the other was because I had to for a grade.  So, Sunday I stopped to speak to my Ministry Leader and she thought it was quite funny that I was doing the Five Minute Teaching because she knows me, in front of people, speaking, in church is something I don’t do unless forced.  She said be prayful about it.  What the hell am I supposed to talk about for five minutes which will seem like an eternity?  I have a scripture that I found by accident and absolutely love.  You know how you stumble across something that speaks volumes and you check the cover of the book thinking, “yeah, this is the Bible”.  Never ever in my lifetime of attending church have a read this part of Job. 

17 “Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. 18For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. (Job 5:17-18 NIV)

17 “ Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. 18For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole. (Job 5:17-18 NKJV)

I prefer the NIV translation but I will likely read both because most ole skool church folk only carry the NKJV translation.  So what am I going to say after I spend 4 minutes of my allotted 5 (lol) reciting this passage of scripture? 

This:

We as humans are so disciplined in various areas of our lives.  We are disciplined to getting to work on time, disciplined to getting the kids to school/daycare on time, and disciplined to exercise or eat right to maintain our health.  When it comes to being disciples of God we tend to play it by ear, wing it, do what we can when we can fully aware that we have a net called Grace and a bungee cord called Love in the event we fall short.  But, unlike with tardiness to work or late fees with bills, we get pretty upset when God reprimands us for not doing as we ought and for not doing as He asked us.

We complain, throw tantrums, question His love for us, and whether He still favors us when He decides to correct us.  We never do those things with others who should not matter since our purpose is not rooted in worldly things.  Blessed is the man whom God corrects because He does so out of love.  Remember when your mama and daddy used to say that?  You were thinking, “bullcrap!”  Until you get your own kids and then you understood.  You despised your parents because all you saw was the hurt the correction was causing you but you failed to see the hurt your incorrect behavior was causing them.  Or God.  He wounds us.  He convicts us.  He brings our filth to the surface and forces us to see and acknowledge it.  He wounds us in His correction so we will stop wounding ourselves in our rebellion and defiance. 

In the end He binds up all those things that are not like Him and, in the end, He heals the pain caused by the correction if we’d just sit long enough to see what He’s up to instead of jumping to conclusions and assuming He has lost love for us.  Maybe it’s just me but I’d worry more when I don’t feel bad about something I’ve done.  Blessed is the man God corrects because, if left uncorrected, we’d all die and He has already proven He loves us too much for that to happen.

How does that sound?  If it’s too much I can shave off some sentences or talk really fast.  It’s only Five Minutes so I am def making a mountain out of a mole hole but I hate to do stuff half ass’d so…..seriously, how does it sound?  Whatever.  I still have 24 hours to tweak it….

July 10, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , , | 2 Comments

Dear God

writing3Father,

 

I am trying to be strong….in the face of fear and I mean this literally, I am trying to be strong.  I try to do what I think you would want me to do but I don’t see anything improving….I guess an improvement to me would be its exit from my life but that has yet to happen.  Why?  I asked to you take it away but it is still here.  I asked you in tears and it is still here.  I asked you sincerely and it is still here.  Am I breaking?  No.  Is my faith wavering?  No.  I know too much and have too many great examples to know better.  I know who did wrong, who did well, and why you thought they had done well.  But why me?  You remember Job?  He was a righteous man….upright….God fearing.  You said that about him to Satan.  You remember?  That is not me.  Righteous?  Upright?  By nature because humans walk on their hind legs but upright in a biblical or moral sense?  God-fearing?  What does that even mean?  Did Satan ask you about me?  You remember he asked about Job?  Tell that muthafreak to keep my name out his mouth!  I didn’t curse….wanted to but I didn’t….he always starting ‘ish!  Or did you do this?  God?

 

I do not hate you.  I prayed to you.  I talked to you.  I outright pleaded with you.  Nothing.  Part of me wants to be upset.  Part of me wants to think you don’t hear me.  Part of me wants to think you have left me.  Part of want to think you despise me.  Part of me wants to think you are laughing at me.  Part of me….  Because I can’t sleep!  I sleep but a full night’s rest?  I forgot what that is like!  I wanna cut my own ears off.  I wanna poke my own eyes out.  I wanna turn off all of my sensory abilities.  I wanna dig a hole and crawl in and never come back out.  I have no peace I my own home!  I can’t relax in my own home!  I can’t exhale when I get home from a day at work!  I miss my home.  I miss my sanity.  I miss my boring uneventful regularly routine life. 

 

It is starting isn’t it?  My thoughts….when I feel them I try to re-direct them.  Instruct them to go away.  Sometimes I feel like I am not me anymore.  I am strong but only as strong as you are.  I am wise but only as wise as you have made me.  I am equipped but only as equipped as I know you can make me.  So why now?  Why this?  Why me?  Why?  While we are taking about unanswered prayers how about an answered one….I asked you to take something away and you didn’t.  I did the same thing I did before that I am doing now but for a completely different.  I asked for a sign that this is where I need to be…that sign being a text message with a scripture….I got that.  Fast forward, I asked for another sign from you (suddenly I felt like Mz. Gideon over here) but this time I said a scripture in any form of communication….I got that too. 

 

So, you see, I know you hear me….I know you do.  I won’t cry….that much.  I won’t worry….at all.  I won’t be afraid….entirely.  I will wait for you….yes, my of little patience….I have no choice but to wait.  Well, I do have a choice but I think if this is really a test I will surely fail with flying colors and that is something I do not want to do.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will recite my scriptures so that it and you can hear me.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will sing to you for it can hear me too.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will talk to you and let it hear and see me talking to you.  All I ask is that, tonight and each night thereafter, you send the Comforter to me so I don’t feel as alone as I do sometimes. 

 

XOXO,

Me

 

January 29, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment