32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Religious Differences

I have a story and it goes a little something like this: I met this guy.  Cute guy.  Older guy.  Educated guy.  Witty guy.  Funny guy.  A decent guy.  I was intrigued by this guy and wanted to know more about this here guy but was shocked when this same guy told me how beautiful I am but we would never work because of one small issue but good luck in finding my right guy.  Come again?!  So, I asked him if he would be so kind as to tell me what this small issue might be.  Is it because I have kids and he does not?  Is it because I am slim and he might like them thick?  Is it because I’m short and he might desire a tall one?  He tells me our religious differences will make this impossible to pursue since I believe in Jesus and he does not.  “Polar opposites” was his exact wording.  He even added, to show he has either tried in the past or is great at making assumptions, that Christian women do not want to be with him but good luck on my ventures to which I hesitantly replied, “Likewise”.  End of conversation.

Never have I thought about religious difference because, truth be told, I am not a devout Christian.  I follow the principles and commandments I want to or feel I can follow.  Everything else I store in the “Grace” file cabinet knowingly until that “feel” part of me changes.  I usually look for the same attributes in guys that I never ask about their religious or spiritual beliefs.  Does it make that much difference?  I know the Bible says Christians should not be “equally yoked” and I have had that line explained to me to the point of exhaustion but I do not pay it any attention.  Maybe I am just completely defiant.  Maybe I am just completely free-spirited.  Maybe I do not like restrictions.  Maybe I do not like to place my opportunities in a box.  Or, maybe I like to think our differences are not to our detriment.  Why can’t our differences be a positive?

He never said what his religious beliefs are but I did make my Christianity known like I made it known that I’m 30 years old and I like chocolate – nonchalantly.  Then there was the question of how “serious” I am about my faith.  All things aside, I truly believe I am shit up a creek if I denounce my faith because I truly believe this is the only path to salvation – for me.  For me, I am serious in where I stand and on what I stand.  For him, I am sure he feels the same about his faith.  So, what if I dated a non-Jesus follower?  Would I spend every Christmas without him or would I even be allowed to celebrate Christmas in our home?  Would our children automatically follow his religion, my religion, or would the option to teach them both sides allowing them to choose as adults be on the table?  Do I pray over meals when he is not around or am I offending him?  Is the very presence of my Bible an insult to him or would his book (if there is one) insult me?  Would it be that bad?

I have always dated Christian men.  Right, I did date a Muslim guy once who knew I was a Christian.  I knew when he went to his temple or synagogue (I am really not sure what it is called) for prayer.  I knew when he fasted.  I knew what he did and did not eat.  And I knew how he felt about Jesus – trust me, he made it clear and often depending on his mood.  But, never once did I do the same.  Chalk it up to naivety, but I did not out of respect for his decision to choose and my decision to respect that decision whether I agreed or not.  It is not my salvation.  Sounds selfish but that is why the world is in turmoil right now – this idea that one group must “save” the other when the other clearly does not want the others’ savior.  At what point do you say “fuck this shit” at evangelism for Christians?  At what point do you choose peace over highlighting who may or may not be right?  At what point do you opt for civil humanity and trying to survive this life together while we are still alive?  At what point does religion not mean anything?  At what point do we let peace, humanity, respect, and freedom reign?  At what point do we decide to peacefully co-exist or decide to segregate ourselves into “them” and “us”?  At what point does the blatant disgust no matter how rude and insensitive boil over and kill us all in a game I like to call “My religion is Right and I Will Prove, where’s My Bomb?”

Love is absent and love suffers.  Not just the kind between a man and a woman on an intimate level but the kind between human beings.  I am disgusted that my religious beliefs were an automatic disqualification for a date when, prior to learning about my faith, I was a dream come true (in my own words lol).  I thought about retracting what I said even stating that my faith was mutable but who am I fooling?  This world is a messed up place and I am disgusted every single day that religion gets in the way.  In the past, it was race.  What will it be in the future?


October 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Step Away From Your Bible

The best part of church growing up were the sermons.  I love a good story which is why I loved hearing about the different people in the Bible.  That should have foreshadowed my future because I could have cared less about the choir, prayer, or anything else.  I wanted to hear the stories like I was sitting on granny’s lap listening to a fairy tale where I can lose myself in this other world.  But this is not supposed to be a fairy tale but the truth.  It grew from loving the stories to wondering how true and real they were.  My questions began when I began to question most things in life.  Not when I’d lost a loved one.  Not when I was down and out.  It just seemed to happen when I wondered who had taught the person teaching me, who had taught them, and so forth and so on.  I wanted to know what qualified them to teach and not I although I have no desire to teach I do want to make sure the information I teach my kids about our faith is indeed correct and not how most black folks teach their kids….from what/how they were taught.

I have completed Genesis and just wanted to read some of these famous and not-so famous stories for myself but I can’t help feeling like I’m creating more work for myself.  Reading I get to a point where something catches my attention, followed by something else, leading me to A, which peaks my curiosity in B, and later I’m nowhere near where I started!  Where is my curiosity wanting to take me now?  Jesus outside the Bible.  I read the book The Case for Christ and what I never thought about was if Christians (myself included) really believe in the Biblical stories and accounts then where do they exist outside the Bible?  Let’s start with Jesus.  If he is indeed who we claim him to be then where else is it documented outside of the Bible?  I do not want to base 100% of my faith on the Bible nor will “just have faith” do.  Some historical non-Biblical documents refer to Jesus as a sorceror…what was he doing that made them think that?  Some who documented his sorcery never said he didn’t do things that defied scientific laws…they just said he was not doing it by divine intervention. 

The picture in this blog does not mean to burn the Bible….just step away from it for now or let’s pretend that a world of Bibles no longer exists.  Let’s look outside the Bible because, in the world of science, it must hold true within it’s own realm and outside it.  If the laws of gravity are true then they must hold up everywhere unless you add an asterisk which outlines certain conditions apply.  Does my faith have an asterisk?  There must be evidence elsewhere to prove the validity of the Bible.  If the Bible’s authenticity is questioned then provide a historical document that has been accepted as fact that shows references to Jesus and other folks of the Bible.  Christians like to say “we don’t have to provide anything else. They should take what we offer them.”  Who does that benefit?!  In the secular world, a reluctance to provide further evidence simply means a) you have nothing else to provide b) you are afraid of what this nothing else would mean and/or c) you know what the other documents say and they are not in your favor.  However, if I ask for more data to support your claim it only means a) I’m just not completely sold which is a good thing because it shows I won’t believe just anything, b) I am still curious in what you have to say, and c) your religion should be able to stand outside your world to prove to others and yourself that your faith is rooted in the right soil.  I am still reading the Bible, looking for more book/documents that support the claims of the Bible second, and asking myself the hard questions preparing for my oldest son third.  He is his mother’s child!  Question after question and not any silly answer will do that I normally give to people to blow them off.  I have to be ready to answer each question he may have or else I have failed the greatest evangelism test of all….my own child.  If he does not know what to believe he is vulnerable to believe anything but I am comforted by the fact that he does question everything so he will question me as well but I challenge him to do better than I in my search for more answers when what is given me from the church is just not enough….anymore.

January 25, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , | 2 Comments

Old Testament Game

Have you ever had a moment when you look around and realize that things you once cared about no longer matter?  Not that they are not important or insignificant but that your priorities have shifted and you can’t tell yourself when much less why because you have no clue!  I would say that the worst decision I have ever made in life was to bring life into this world.  Why?  Because the power of these two creatures to tear me down, make me worry, and scare me to death for their safety in a world where no one is safe is paradoxically insane and futile.  When I think about my kids I wonder what else is out there.  Is this it?  I know I think too much but I think I’m going somewhere with this….just not sure where.  You know how we sometimes yell at the television and tell that crazy lady not to go into the room after she says, “I wonder what that noise is”?  You scream and tell her not to go and you wonder why it always seems to be the white people who always gotta go check things out instead of erring on the side of caution and getting the hell outta dodge.  I feel like I want to walk and see what the hell that is.  Call me white!  Having kids changes your life.  Among all the obvious things it changes in your life, you begin to see the world differently.  Recently, I began to see some things differently not because I just had a baby but because I am wondering as my kids get older what I will tell them about God.  Who is He?  What is He about?  How are we to live?  How do I get them to understand what was never explained to me as a child?  How do I get them to relate to instead of being forced fed something that’s incomprehensible and unimaginable to them?  How do I explain what, at times, I don’t really understand?  It’s probably not as complicated as I’m making it seem but let’s just assume I have a child like myself who refuses to believe those “called” and instead wishes to find the truth out for themselves.

When I was little I questioned everything.  I didn’t out loud because I knew a belt was always somewhere close by but I questioned authority from the time I could remember.  If it didn’t make sense then “because I said so” wasn’t going to cut it.  I was raised to believe in what my parents and their parents believed.  I wasn’t encouraged to think for myself but I was dealt a life where every adult around me messed up and messed up big time to the point where they lost credibility and showed me certain people don’t have to be accountable for their actions.  So, in all this, where does God fit in?  Faith was too fluid a concept and much like grains of sand in my hand for my to understand it then and even now in how it’s often presented.  Faith, I was told, is the substance of things hoped for and the essence of things not seen.  Hope?  Is that an action word?  If so, from who or what are we waiting to receive action from or what or who are we sending this action to?  If I can’t see it does it exist?  In my head….nope.  I was told that God created me so the way I think must allow for some if not all of it to some in a nice package with my name on it so I can comprehend it and explain it as only I have grown to understand it.

I know what I believe and it’s only what I believe because of what I have seen and physically felt.  I asked God because my mind can’t wrap itself around certain concepts and digest it….so I ask.  If I was to write a book about spirituality it would likely be called Christianity for Intellects (not dummies) or The Devil’s Little Advocate only because I find it insatiably orgasmic (bad wrong to use but that’s all I could think of) to go into anything Christian related ready to tear it down to its core, ready to argument anything standing on 0.5 legs, and looking to fill each and every gaping hole because that’s what people with minds do.  They nick pick and scrutinize and analyse leaving no rock uncovered and laughing when the other person scrambles for an explanation and slaps a “just have faith” onto it.  The best defense is to have a good offense.  If I can tear down my own religion, uncover the holes, possibly even pointing out other equally huge holes in other religions, and make it a convincing myth to myself then I have the power and know-how to make it convincingly true to others because I have uncovered my weaknesses and built them up (factually) with evidence that “just have faith” will marvel at.

I was told that the world is dying, that people need to be saved, and that Jesus is coming back soon.  I watched the movie 2012 and wondered how the Mayans could possibly end their calendars on 12/21/10 and just say that the world will reset or start all over again.  I thought it ironic that, in the movie, the “do over” occurs in Africa.  But I wondered several things: if religion has no part in it and life is as we live it in which we die and become one with the earth then we shall eventually die out, run out of natural resources, exhaust all possible lab engineered replacements, and die off like most other species because nothing continues to exist indefinitely and nothing has proven to survive without depleting resources as it expands.  Then what is life for?  Why not check out now?  Religion justifies our existence so we don’t give up and committed suicide at the notion that this is all for nothing.  If it’s apart of a plan….whose plan is it?  I have an idea.  Maybe I will write a book.  Problem is I don’t think anyone will read it and I doubt I can collect my thoughts long enough to prove a point although I have quite a few.  If my sons asked me right now “mommy, who is Jesus?” what will I say?  The best answer is for them to experience it for themselves.  If ever there was a wish I’ve utter more times than I probably admit it’s that God would play Old Testament again.  If ever there was a time for people to see instead of being told from old stories translated beyond authenticity and tattered with age then it is now.  If there was ever a time for a staff, a Red Sea, and a Moses it is now.  If there was ever a time for a road called Damascus and a bush to burn in the presence of every scientific mind there is just to prove its nothing but a miracle….that time is now.  I don’t ask God for anything more than a visible miracle because word of mouth can only save so many.  He got disciples to give their lives for something they actually saw or heard about within their own lifetime….it’s time to play Old Testament again.  I am jealous they had Jesus back then because I am not content with just having the Bible.  It’s not enough anymore.  People are dying and they need more than a Bible full of questions….they need someone sent to save them who will show them visible proof.  I know what you’re thinking, “they didn’t believe them then so why would they now?!”  It’s better than what we currently have and that’s close to nothing and too many false prophets.  Only God can save us….and I mean that literally.  I’ll wait and see what He decides to do.

December 16, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bronzed Joke?

30080There are times when tears fall from my eyes and I am ashamed to admit the reason why.  There are times when I yell and scream only because I can’t fathom why.  There are even times when I sit in silence completely dumbfounded as to why.  Why?  That is the million billion trillion dollar question but it’s worth even more than that.  I look into your eyes and I wonder if you are looking back at me.  I touch your bronzed body on the cross and wonder if you can even feel my hand.  I stare into space and think of what your presence should feel like.  Then I raise my eyes back up and spit from my mouth onto your feet nailed to the cross.  I spit again this time more.  My tears begin to fall harder than they were before and I yell at you with your head slightly leaning from above.  I believe.  I do.  I believe in you.  But maybe it’s that I once believed.  I did.  I believed in you.  They tell me that the righteous shall suffer.  That you foretold of it a long time ago.  They tell me that even Job suffered and you never left him.  Yes, Job did suffer and I know the story in and out but there is one distinct difference between this fella Job and me standing before you.  Job loved you as I do.  Job obeyed you as I attempt to do.  Job followed you as I do.  Job had great faith as I do.  But Job had many things and was wealthy in his own right.  He had more than any man did at that time.  He was favored by his God and it showed.  I have nothing and am poor in my own right.  Am I not favored?  Job’s love for you was rewarded in how you provided for him.  Your love for me is shown in how….how what?  How you allow me to suffer? 

Carry your cross like Jesus did.  The servant is not greater than the master.  If they did it to me they will do it to you.  But it is not them.  I sometimes wonder if it’s you.  You up there now bronzed hanging on the cross.  What did I do to you?  Can I not become Job and have all he had?  He had it all, you took it away to prove a point, but then gave it back to him as a reward of his faith.  I have never had it all.  I have barely had some but you have taken from me constantly or have allowed things and people to be taken from me.  I spit on you as they did.  I spit again and again.  My heart feels pain.  It feels rage.  It feels hurt.  It feels betrayal.  It feels frustration.  It feels like you have left me or you have never existed.  I apologize but sometimes there comes a time when I wonder if you are even real.  Are you really all they claim you to be?  Is there really a God up above.  Is this the game plan for my life?  To suffer, sacrifice, live a meager life in hopes of glory in the end?  Glory?  Is that even real?  Or is this all a joke?  Are you and this entire faith based on Jesus a big fat hoax that has fooled millions of people into thinking that someone can possibly die, rise in 3 days, and just enter right into some mystical place called Heaven where there is the supreme of all beings named God who is the creator of our very existence and loves those who love his son and who give their lives metaphorically to him.  Of course metaphorically because to take our own life earns us a seat in Hell.  Well, I love him.  I follow him.  I do all the things I am told to do.  I walk the straight and narrow.  When I fall I run to you asking for forgiveness.  My very life hung in the balance when you took the Mary of my existence.  I have seen more hurt and pain experienced firsthand than anyone has in their lifetimes. 

And for what?  Why?  To prove a point?  To make me stronger?  To increase my faith?  Suffering is now a badge of honor? Must I rejoice in this?  Endure it was a smile?  Your word says we ought to rejoice when we fall into diver’s temptation knowing this, that the trying of our faith worketh our patience and that patience must have it’s time to work so that we may be complete and entire wanting nothing.  Patience.  Patience?  This is becoming a big waiting game.  Wait and see.  Wait for what is to come.  Wait and stand on faith that Jesus will return and our eternal lives promised to us will be fulfilled.  Stand on faith.  Faith.  In case you haven’t noticed, I am sinking very fast and I need you, bronzed man, to get your azz off the cross and save me lest I die.  You saved me once, right?  Surely you can do it again, huh?  You ask me to come out onto the water, to trust you, the wind blew harder with each passing minute, my body shook, my mind wandered, my faith teetered, I began to sink, you must grab me…you must.  You did for him in the Bible then you scorned him for not having faith.  Scorn me all you want but I just need to feel you are still here.  Still watching me.  Have not forgotten about me. 

I think about doing what the others do.  What the ones who say they follow you but do anything but that.  They have all the material possessions while I struggle to simply feed myself.  I have devoted my time to you while others spend it in the streets partying and doing anything but sitting in church and here I am totally dependent on the government to help me pay my bills.  What reward is there for the faithful?  What was I supposed to learn from Job?  The Bible?  You?  Life gets hard.  Life gets difficult.  Life becomes irrelevant when I realize I am sacrificing all I have to the point where I have nothing else to give.  All I ask is for something to make life worth living.  My faith isn’t the size of even a mustard seed anymore.  I questioned you as I have never done before and it is constantly weighing on me each moment.  Is it worth loving you?  Is it worth following you?  Is it worth all this pain?  Is there even a glory to be reached or had?  Bronzed man hanging on the intricately designed cross allegedly dying for our sins so that we may live….is this the life you intended for me?  For us?  For those you claim to love?  For those whom you promised to provide all of our needs?  Well I have reason to believe and doubt you are who you say you are.  I hear a voice in my ear calling me a fool and telling me to denounce you and curse your very name.  I hear it.  It burns my ears.  It resonates in my mind.  I ignore it because I just can’t.  Something tells me not to.  Although I spit on you…I can’t.  Although I miss my Mary….I still can’t.  Although I my basic needs which you promised to meet are not met….I can’t.  Although my faith is wavering….I can’t.  Am I a fool?  A fool for believing in you?  In your name I pray and in your name I have faith.   Now, in your name, I pray that you save my faith because I feel it slipping away.

June 26, 2009 Posted by | God, Spiritual | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mz. Radical

Pride_by_RaahjaMaybe it’s just me but I notice a lot of bitterness and hypocrisy as it relates to sex, intimacy, or sexual related topics.  I am not going to write about those three things in this blog but I want to vent about some stupid stuff I have either been told or read.  And, I am doing it now since I fell asleep early last night so now I’m up at the butt crack for no reason other than I maxed out my sleep hours for the night.  I do have a second blog where I like to write about intimate topics ranging from oral sex to piercings to fetishes.  Someone asked me why I began that second blog and I told them my reason was because I was getting so much traffic here for my few blogs about panties and vibrators that it began to irritate me.  People didn’t want to read my more serious thoughts.  They preferred my thoughts about racy topics which wasn’t a bad thing but not here.  Some people have found my 2nd blog and others I have given them the link.  Those I have given the link to I have done so because they do not and have not judged the things or topics I write about.  If you don’t have the link then ask me for it.  If I give it to you then you pass the 32B test.  If I say, “I’d rather not” then I think you are a modern day Pharisee.

It’s difficult if not impossible to be a one-dimensional Christian and if there is one thing I absolutely hate it’s hypocrisy.  I have mentioned the possibility of starting a second blog about certain things and brought that idea to certain friends as a way of gauging how they would feel about it.  Inappropriate.  That is the word used to the describe that notion but then I admitted it was too late because I had already started it.  The funny thing is that these same people have no problem having sex but talking/writing about it is forbidden somehow.  Then some say, “I don’t have sex all the time” and I think to myself “oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know the severity of a sin was dependent on the frequency of the sin”.  I read a blog post a few days ago where someone made a comment about how people will freely discuss their sex lives but not their financial woes.  Maybe it was just me but I caught a little bitterness and bitchness in that statement.  Hmm…why do I discuss aspects of my sex life as opposed to my finances?  This is my explanation which means it is not up for debate since it is my opinion alone…finances are a learned skill and only exist when there is money to manage.  Sex is something ingrained in us as humans to participate in as our natural way of maintaining our race of humans.  If I suck at my finances, don’t have money, or have no interest in finances at all then it will never be a topic of discussion.  I don’t know anyone who will say they don’t like sex no matter how they may suck at it….there is still an interest there whether they are having sex or not.  I will never talk about my personal money if I don’t have it and talking about money does not bring me money so what is the point??  Just like talking about sex doesn’t bring me sex….wait, yeah it does.  Scratch that.  I guess one is natural and the other is acquired.  We all have sex at some point in time.  We don’t always have money at some point in time.  Some have made excellent financial decisions while others have thrown their money down the first drain they walked by.  Some love discussing money but it’s usually as a general topic and not their own personal story unless it’s a rags to riches scenario which a lot of people will either never experience or doesn’t even apply to them.  Some love discussing sex because you can always find someone who has, will, or is participating in something related to you in some degree.  This attack on sex is kinda tired and just because someone has sucked at managing their money so now they turn their nose up at everyone who could care less about their finances should really get over it.

One of my girlfriends work in  the same building as I do.  We have gone out as a big group before and, since she’s Mexican, we have done the Mexican club and planned on taking salsa classes for fun.  Well, I ran into her yesterday on my way from the bathroom and mentioned the fact that we need to hang out again esp since my boys were away for the summer.  She made this face and then stopped herself as if she wanted to say something but didn’t know how.  Me being me I dragged it out of her….she wanted to invite me to a gay/drag queen club her and her girls go to a lot.  She asked if I wanted to go and I said “heck yea!”  Ok, light should not mix with dark…..I have heard that before and I can feel the judgement starting.  During college, I attended the annual Drag Queen show and parties.  Straight chicks love gay men because they ain’t tryna get in your pants.  You can have fun without being attacked by the sex crazed male species.  Maybe it’s because I just don’t care, because I’ll tell the Pope and Pastor to kiss my butt, because I have seen the “holy” give us a bad name, and because I just don’t think we as Christians should stay within our boring ass confines.  Sorry for the potty mouth words….I should delete them….but I won’t.  Anywho, I have gone to gay/drag queen events and had a lot of fun.  No orgys, no playing kissy face with other chicks or gay guys, nothing I have ever seen that I don’t see in a straight club.  My friend is supposed to text me the name of the club this week but she definitely said this Saturday so, if I go, I will definitely blog about it….not on this one but my other blog site…sorry! 

Jesus was at times criticized because he hung out with regular folks who sinned knowingly and publicly.  I know in my heart and spirit things I should not do but, if I do them anyways, then that is on me.  I also know that there are some situations you should never put yourself in and it all involves knowing your weaknesses so you don’t fall to sin.  Of all the times I have sinned, majority of the time I gave in to something than something grabbed hold of and controlled me.  Other than my thoughts, my actions aren’t too difficult to control and keep on the straight and narrow.  My #1 weakness is being in the same room with a man I’m attracted to knowing it’s been months since I have had sex and knowing my mind will convince me that it’s ok knowing I know better.  That is my #1 weak situation I shouldn’t place myself in.  A gay bar?  It’s almost funny to think of that as a weakness.  What is there to fear?  My Prayer Minister might say dark or evil spirits.  Someone else might say drugs or sinful sex although, if someone was having sex on the table right next to my drink, it still does not involve me.  Others might say drinking period but I have a drink or two maybe twice a month so it’s no different than wine back in the day.  Maybe I push the envelope a little too much.  Maybe I just don’t like authority or rules.  Maybe I do as Jesus did and think if he did it then it was ok.  Maybe I want to see and meet someone like me.  A Christian who ain’t sailing through life with no racy things or thoughts, with no urges and impulses, with no weaknesses or shortcomings.  Maybe that is why the blogger was kinda irritated that people talk about sex so readily but shy away from finances because that need to relate to someone else who was struggling to make ends meet was all she need or desired.  As it relates to normal ass Christians in this light/dark world all I can say is…..likewise.

June 16, 2009 Posted by | Life, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments


20060508154421_easterparadox2grungecropresFrom a child’s perspective which is how God desires us to be…..

Apparently Easter is not about an over-sized bunny carrying brightly colored eggs in a basket.  It seems that Easter is about this guy called Jesus who was crucified on this wooden thing in the shape of a huge “T”.  Most call this “T” a cross.  Well, these people whip him real bad, they spit on him, placed this long string of prickly things around his head causing it to bleed, and they made him carry this huge wooden cross in the shape of a “T” to his hanging place.  I suppose this hanging spot is called Calvary and there were two other guys already hanging up there too for doing something the town folks didn’t like.  Well, when this Jesus guy got to Calvary he was tired from carrying this big cross and he was still bleeding from his wounds and from his head but they nailed him to this cross anyways to make sure he wouldn’t be able to get off. 

First, they nailed one of his wrists to the long part that go straight across the cross.  Second, they stretched his other arm across to the other end of the long part and nailed that wrist to the cross.  I guess because of the bones and other tough stuff in your wrist they really had to slam the nails through using this hammer looking thing from the olden days.  After they had his wrists nailed to the part that go across, I think they nailed his feet next but I am not sure because, to me, it would seem easier to nail him while still on the ground instead of up in the air because he is probably heavy.  So let’s say that happened and they had to use the hammer thing again to put the nails through his feet so they stayed stuck it to the long up and down part of the cross.   From the pictures, it look like they hung Jesus right in the middle between these other guys and he hung there for a while.  They said he got thirsty from being tired, out of breathe, in pain, and bleeding so they gave him something to drink but it wasn’t a cup since he was up in the air.  It seems he sucked on something damp to wet his mouth but I don’t think it helped much because he soon died up there on that cross thing.  But, I don’t think the town folks believed he was dead because they grabbed this long sword thingy and stabbed it in his side to see if he would jump and wake up.  I guess Jesus wasn’t faking because he didn’t move but now he was bleeding from his side too. 

They left him alone, told these big dudes to take him down, and they put him in this grave but it was one of those above ground graves so no digging like on TV.  They rolled this huge rock in front of it to close the door and not let people in and they left him in there and wouldn’t let nobody go in to see him not even his own mama.  This all happened on a Friday which is why people call that day Good Friday.  Why it’s “good”?  I don’t know but it’s supposed to make sense when we get to the end of the story.  Well, three days later after they put Jesus in this above ground grave, some women came by to lotion his body but when they got to his grave they saw the big rock was moved from the door.  Someone had to be really strong to move that rock all by themselves and not make a lot of noise.  The women was afraid something bad had happened so they looked for Jesus’ body but they couldn’t find it.  They were crying, scared, and confused because they didn’t know where Jesus went until he showed up right in front of them.  They were really happy to see him but he told them he had to go soon like he promised.  So, Jesus left and no one has seen him since then and that was like a thousand trillion years ago.  The story is that he is in Heaven sitting next to God watching over us and that people call it Good Friday because it was a good thing that Jesus hung up there.  I guess Jesus hadn’t done anything bad at all but he hung up there for us.  He call us his children.  He hung up there for his children.  It was a good thing because if he hadn’t we were gonna die and not see God but now we get a chance to if we believe Jesus.  I ain’t never talked to Jesus before but my mama told me that he said we gotta believe he did all they say he did.  That he hung up on that cross and died.  That he came back alive in that grave like three days later.  That he went to live with God in Heaven.  And that he is gonna come back and get his children.  That is what mama said and that is what we learn in Sunday School esp on Easter day. 

But, I don’t get it.  If Jesus is why we have Easter then why is the Easter Bunny so popular?  I like the bunny though.  He give us eggs and candy in these baskets with grass at the bottom.  But, to me, I don’t think the Easter Bunny got nothing on Jesus.  Maybe if the Bunny had died on that cross he would be more popular and have people dressing up on Easter Sunday for him too.  But I thank the Bunny for my Easter basket though.  And I thank Jesus for my life.

April 12, 2009 Posted by | Christian, God, Spiritual | , , , , , | 1 Comment



The state of humanity.  The many lives that have been lost to violence and hatred.  Our society is in ruins.  Our economy is worsening.  And love and God has no place in it because, as a whole, we try to accommodate every other religion and give others the freedom to express and live their lives as they choose but where is the breaking point.  Where is the line that we draw in the mud?  Can we give others their freedom of expression AND honor our own God?  If we accommodate one who do we ignore?  Can we please both sides without equally hurting both?  My favorite statement which I have read everywhere is from Graham’s daughter, Anne, who said:

“I believe that God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we’ve been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman that He is, I believe that He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand that He leave us alone?” 

If I was not a Christian how would I read that?  The presence of despair in the absence of your God must mean that your God reigns supreme?  Why him and not the other gods?  When I looked at this picture today, I thought about pain, hurt, confusion, distraught feelings for any and every reason and just wanting it to end.  So much so that if the majority say He is God then call Him and tell Him to come back.  So much so that if C might work when A and B has failed then let’s put plan C into action.  In the end we have no definite proof of whose God is right but we all have faith that it is our God or no God at all.  One thing we do know is that, desperation pushes you to call on some God no matter what name he bears, what you have heard about him, or what you believe him for….you call on some God and reach out just to see if you can feel him….if He is indeed real.

Have you ever been hurt so much that you wish you could reach up into heaven and just touch Him?  Wish He would just reach down from heaven and touch you?  Just to know He is still there and see you down here?  A lady from the Bible…she was bleeding….from what I read, she touched the hem of his cloak in desperation because she had heard things about him and things he had done…I am sure she didn’t know of someone who had simply touched his clothes but she did it anyways.  Why?  Why did she know to do just that? Can I just touch you?  Can you just touch me?  I don’t care if you are mad at me, I know but am not focused on what I did wrong, how we all f’ed this up, or what you plan to do as our punishment….just let me feel you. 

A touch means so much to us but we go throughout our day without a single touch out of love.  We touch, brush up against, bump into, fall on, trip over each other in passing, but when have we touched someone just on purpose?  Or had someone touch us on purpose in love, affection, caring, kindness, etc.  I touch my Bible sometimes when I just want someone to soothe me.  I sleep with my favorite item to bring my tears to an end.  I run my fingers over and hold in my hand my small cross sometimes.  I do and I am sure some of you do too.  A touch lets me know you are real, I am real, and if just for a second my hurt, pain, and bleeding will end when I touch you then I reach out for you to feel something…anything other than what I now feel.  Sometimes I am that lady in the Bible and I need some of your power just to make it through the day…ok, to make it all day because I’m needy like that.

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. “Who touched me?” Jesus asked.  When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.” But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.” Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed.  Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” (Luke 8:43-48)

March 15, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sometimes I

420042958xbvkiw_fsSometimes I wish I was not so emotional.  Sometimes I wish I was not so sensitive.  Sometimes I wish I was cold hearted.  Sometimes I wish I could hate but I have not learned to.  Sometimes I wish I could stop loving but I have not learned to.  Sometimes I think I can go on forever.  Sometimes I think I think too much about absolutely nothing.  Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I kept me to myself.   Sometimes I wish life was a tad bit easier.  Sometimes I wish I did not have to see sorrow.  Sometimes I wish depression did not exist.  Sometimes I wish suffering took place only in the movies.  Sometimes I wish I could take it all away from everyone.  Sometimes I just want to stop and catch my breathe.  Sometimes I wanna stay on vacation and turn my vacation into my reality.  Sometimes I wish I lived in paradise and vacationed in misery just to remind me of how great I have it.  Sometimes I wish I was born into another family.  Sometimes I wish I had stayed in Indianapolis.  Sometimes I want to go back to Indianapolis.  Sometimes I get comfortable with what is familiar and fearful of what is strange.  Sometimes I wish I could sleep all day.  Sometimes I wish I could sleep my life away.  Sometimes I think I am on the verge of making sense and then it slips from my grasp.  Sometimes I wish I was understood more so than I am misunderstood.  Sometimes I wish I was just as expressive verbally as I am writtenly.  Sometimes I like to make up my own words. 

Sometimes I wish I could see love and lynch that bastard.  Sometimes I wish I could see death and lynch that bastard.  Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of life is.  Sometimes I wonder if I am on the right path at all.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell a blog is for.  Sometimes I just write stuff just to say I write stuff.  Sometimes I cry when someone else cries.  Sometimes I hurt when someone else hurts.   Sometimes I wish I understood the Bible.  Sometimes I wish there was a current version that applies to this year with clear unambigious instructions from Him.  Sometimes I feel the Bible is pointless.  Sometimes I wonder if I should read it.  Sometimes I open it just to stare at the words.  Sometimes I read it without knowing it.  Sometimes I know where things are in it without having read that section yet.  Sometimes I wanna actually meet Jesus.  Sometimes I imagine what I would say if he just materialized before me.  Sometimes I wonder if he will indeed have holes in his hands and side.  Sometimes I think he better have holes in his hands and side or I would have lived a lie.   Sometimes I wonder what he will say to me.  Sometimes I wonder if he will understand me.  Sometimes I wish I was sent here with a known mission like he was.  Sometimes I am envious of Jesus.  Sometimes I think it would be easier knowing how, why, and when I will die than living and falling into death’s arms by accident never knowing what your mission was or if I accomplished it. 

Sometimes I laugh to myself at my own thoughts.  Sometimes I dance when I am home alone or with the kids.  Sometimes I feel my age and sometimes I feel like a little kid.  Sometimes I sing loud and off key and off beat but I sing anyways.  Sometimes I enjoy my own company more than the company of others.  Sometimes I run just to clear my head.  Sometimes I do pilates just to feel my heart rate increase.  Sometimes I fall over trying to do a pilates stance and look around like someone saw me before I laugh at myself.  Sometimes I talk to someone when I am alone but no one is there.  Sometimes I wish my alone moments lasted forever.  Sometimes I want my alone moments to last forever.  Sometimes I think my alone moments last forever.  Sometimes I get alone with myself when I feel I have lost myself and need to get back in tune with myself.  Sometimes I do not wanna share me with others.  Sometimes I think I am normal and everyone else is severely and tragically abnormal.  Sometimes I think more people should introduce themselves to themselves.

Sometimes I wish people would stop saying how young I look.  Sometimes I wish I was just a tad bit taller.  Sometimes I wish I did not have stretch marks.  Sometimes I am glad I have stretch marks or else I would be walking around half naked more times than not.  Sometimes I want a tummy tuck.  Sometimes I want a breast lift.  Sometimes I want someone else’s body.  Sometimes I feel content with my own body.  Sometimes I want my six pack abs back.  Sometimes I know if I ran like I used to I would have my six pack abs back.  Sometimes I wish my butt was bigger.  Sometimes I wish I had a J.Lo booty.  Sometimes I wish I had Halle Berry breast.  Sometimes I wish I had Gabrielle Union skin.  Sometimes I wish I had Beyonce’s smile.  Sometimes I wish I had their body parts but definitely not their life.  Sometimes I think I have the best body God has ever made.  Sometimes I am reminded of that when I see someone who has the same number or less kids than I and too many X’s on their clothing tags.  Sometimes I get self conscious like everyone else.  Sometimes I forget I am human.

Sometimes the compliments mean nothing to me.  Sometimes I think this world is too superficial.  Sometimes I feel pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, and cute are so overused and misused that they lose their meaning.  Sometimes I wish we focused on real beauty.  Sometimes I think I see real beauty but I am not sure so I keep it to myself.  Sometimes I think I have real beauty.  Sometimes I think I have natural beauty.  Sometimes I think I am a beauty.  Sometimes I carry myself like I created beauty.  Sometimes I wait for beauty to come.  Sometimes I go after beauty.  Sometimes I feel I add beauty to life itself.  Sometimes I think I add beauty to life itself.  Sometimes I know I add beauty to life itself.  Sometimes I am struck with fear because I do not think I have truly tapped into the beauty I possess.  Sometimes I want to color the world with beauty where your soul dances, your face smiles, your eyes dry, your mind forgets, your heart leaps, your feet move, your hands clap, and your mouth is too busy producing laughter to deal with groans.  Sometimes I wish I could give myself to color the world with beauty.  Sometimes I want to give myself to color the world with beauty.  Sometimes I hope my words figuratively color someone’s world with beauty if only for a moment and then I can honestly say that I do indeed have the power to create beauty, show beauty, possess beauty, and introduce beauty to those who have seen ugly for so long that they do not remember or know what beauty is.  Sometimes but not all the time yet never none of the time.

February 23, 2009 Posted by | Me | , , , | 2 Comments

Slow Like Molasses

angerSometimes, me being me, I like to know of someone in the Bible who has gone through a situation that I am going through for guidance or to feel like I am not alone.  The one thing I rarely experience but, when I do, it’s pretty bad is anger.  Of all the times I have been outright angry and not simply impatiently annoyed (I confuse the two sometimes) were with people I would give me a limb for.  You shouldn’t expect perfection so I don’t (anymore) but to expect venom from a dove is just not something I anticipated and it’s not natural so you can imagine how taken aback I was.   Talking to a soror one night, she told me that there were several people in the Bible who got angry for various reasons or simply at people who had turned their backs on them or who they were sent to lead.

My response was this, “I don’t care about those people.  They got upset….whoopdy freakin doo!  I wanna know if Jesus ever got mad at people before?”  I know God got mad on a lot of occasions mainly in the Old Testament and when He got mad He got MAD!  I’m not tryna engulf someone with the ground or burn them alive…just minor stuff like pop an eye out or cut off a finger….ya’ know, simple torture until I feel better.  But when did Jesus did mad?  He came down, He spent time with these folks, He should understand how trying they are, show me when He lost His temper and just went off!  She mentioned when Jesus overturned the tables when the moneychangers were doing business in God’s house.  Ok, he turned over some tables….check!  Where is the other example?  She said that was it.  Seriously?  That is it?  In all his thirty something years here Jesus got mad once?

So, here are my amateur thoughts on the topic, Jesus only got mad when someone was disrespecting God.  We want to rant and scream and cuss folks out but just because we want to (or I want to) doesn’t mean we should.  The Bible still says to be slow to anger…where does it say that?  I can’t remember but it’s in there somewhere between Genesis and Revelations.  I am like molasses slow to anger with people close to me because, initially, my first reaction isn’t anger but hurt.  I feel the hurt first because the heart strings are present so I was emotionally close to them and then I feel the anger later on.  Does it take the anger away knowing Jesus only got mad when someone was dissing God?  No.  Does it make it easier to handle or deal with?  No.  Does it place things in perspective.  I wish I could say ‘yes’ but I’ma go with ‘no’ again.

I am human so I should be able to relate to Moses and those other folks who got down right pissed in the Bible but I don’t.  I am to model Jesus and not Moses.  I am a Christian and not a Mosian so I wanna know what Jesus did.  Simple answer since I can’t find another example in the Bible…..He didn’t get mad at all.  I have a ways to go before I get to that point since I said I am slow like molasses to getting angry which means I am steadily moving toward Angerville when a situation arises.  Be Christ like….on second thought, maybe Mosian ain’t really that bad.  Of course I am just kidding!

February 16, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , | Leave a comment

Nailed To My Own Cross

nailOne day, I was chatting on gmail with a friend.  He was talking about his father who had totally dissed him an important day….his graduation with his first Masters degree.  This was a proud moment for him because he had finally finished through all the emotional difficulties and hurdles along the way.  He had his first Masters degree and his dad, who worked a couple blocks from the location of the ceremony and had called off work early, couldn’t even stay long enough to his his son receive his degree.  My friend was pissed.  He was hurt.  I remember he said that his father had pissed on him and called it apple juice…that was the first time I had heard that phrase.  I tried to tell him he didn’t hate him or despise him…he wasn’t listening to me.  I tried to tell him that it’s his father so just overlook it….he didn’t wanna do that.  I tried to tell him that time will blow it all over….he said not this time.  He was hurt and I felt bad that he has to experience that on such a day as this one when he should have been overjoyed and happy…not overjoyed and happy in spite of something someone close to you or someone who loves you has done.  What did he do to deserve this?  Why, time after time, he does not get the love he so desires?  Is it too much to ask for a normal, or even semi-normal, parent & child relationship?  Now, the tables are turned and I see, feel, and understand his pain.  If someone told me right now what I had told him then….I’d laugh it off in anger too. 

My mom  hates me….I am convinced she always has.  I don’t care to know when it started…it exists and that is all that matters.  My sisters hate me…..I am convinced they always will.  They have no problem spitting venom at me because they think I am a big bad b*tch….or, that is how I act to them but everyone that knows me know that I am a softy.  I seriously wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose….I’d kill me before I kill you in any way.  That is probably my problem but there is no easy way out of this….all or nothing….do or die….in or out….I’m nailed to this sh*t.  I try to get out of it because I always thought the nail itself driven through my hand would hurt the most until I look up and see who is holding the hammer driving it through my hand.  I always thought that hanging there would hurt the most but not nearly as much as hearing those below laughing at my pain and conjuring up ways to make me suffer more.  I always thought if I loved people and treated them as I would want to be treated that they would do the same towards me until I realized that the ones I was watching out for were the ones smiling in my face. 

Not wanting to go into much detail but wanting to ease this weight, my mom and sisters have all dubbed me the worst mom on earth!  Phone calls later I am told that my kids should be taken away from me, that I favor one over the other, that I am incompetent, I am damaging my son’s self-esteem, and they have no clue why my ex even married me.  This is when the piercing through the side occurs….why he married me?  I have heard the parenting arguments all before so, if they should be the most harsh, they are not because I have continued to come around and show that I do all I can for my kids without the assistance of either of them or the government.  But, to place me personally in it as far as someone having the ability or tolerance to love me is ridiculous!  That caught my breathe for a split second as the sharp end broke my skin and I reacted to the initial pain.  Today, I still bleed from the wound.

All this was reported back to me by my ex.  He calmed me down and simply said, “you have known all this before so don’t let it bother you.  I know you aren’t putting our kids in danger.”  But, these are supposed to be my allies!  What the hell are allies if they aren’t your family?  This nail through my hand…I wanna act ignorant…don’t wanna see any of them….act as if they all died.  Would I be any better than my friend?  What about the the advice I tried to force feed my friend?  A heck of a horse pill to swallow and for what?   To honour my mother?   Turn the other cheek?  Show kindness which will be like pouring hot coals over their heads?  Pray, love, and do good towards them?  I don’t like to complain openly because it is weakness in my eyes but this hurts like hell…my eyes burn from the people who have cause my tears…my hands hurt because I wanna clinch them into a fist and fuck them up but I have a nail running through them….I want to say something in my defense but I know I have nothing to defend.

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. He who hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: “They hated me without reason”.  (John 15:18-25)

Without reason….if I had a reason then it may help but there is none….they hate because they can so they shall.

February 7, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment