32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Hurt or Lie?

Close my eyes
Feel heart race
Panic sets in
Fidgeting begins
Question is asked
Silence given
Bite my lips
Dart my eyes
Reply “um…”
Silence again
Question asked again
Inhale slowly
Exhale loudly
Calm sets in
Close eyes again
Look at floor
Resistance ends
Eyes meet
Hurt or Lie?
Asking myself
Hurt or Lie?
To her, that is
Break my silence
Utter the words
Hurt ensues
So truth may prevail
Easy decision?
Easier said than done
She preferred Lie

June 22, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My loooong weekend….

A lot of things happened this weekend.  This weekend was my sorority chapter’s reunion anniversary.  Soror T was supposed to drive up Friday night, sleep at my apt, and then we were to drive down to Purdue the next morning.  Well, Soror T packed more into her Friday than she should have so she fell asleep on her couch instead of getting on her way to Chicago.  At 5am, I called which woke her up so she grabbed her bags, jumped into the car, and made it to Chicago at about 7:45am.  She hadn’t showered, brushed her teeth, washed her face, etc in a hurry to make the events on time and pick me up.  When we finally got there, I was excited to see sorors and chit chat until everything started because obviously everyone was on CP (colored people) time!  Well, the hotel was in my name but soror T wanted to go wash up, however, I wasn’t tryna leave.  So, I transferred the hotel into her name under her credit card so she could go wash her butt and meet us back on campus.  We walked around campus while everyone was trying to remembering where they used to have class, what building used to be here, and how they used to love that building over there.  We made it to the BCC (Black Cultural Center) for a formal tour when Soror T asked where we were.  She said she was going to Wal-Mart…..ok.  Fast forward, we all branch off to check-in our hotels, shop for Purdue or ZPB stuff and grab lunch before dinner.  Soror T calls talking about she didn’t plan to sit in the hotel room all day.  Um, who you getting an attitude with?!  No one told you to sit in the hotel.  Then she said no one called her cause she needed to eat too.  At this point I felt like I had a grown baby on my hands.  She makes her way back to campus right when everyone was going to the hotel so she made a U-turn. 

Soror T used her credit card for the hotel which still a hold on it from last week when she thought she’d lost her wallet.  Since the card was declined, she had to use cash.  No big deal to someone else but this chick is always broke!  I had to hear her complain about not knowing how she was gonna get home, how she didn’t have money for tolls, and how she was wasting gas driving around.  Last homecoming she came with no money and complained the entire time.  Last summer to went to FL and she complained the whole time about not having money so I couldn’t go to this museum because I wasn’t gonna pay for her to get in too.  I have a budget too!  This is the last time I travel anywhere with her.  She’s a cool person but your poor financial situation or money skills should not be someone’s else problem.  Then, we went to the bars that night after the ball and she was buying drinks looking at us like we were crazy.  I thought you were broke.  Then my ex shows up looking GQ (everyone felt the need to tell me this) and walked past me in the hallway interrupting my phone conversation (I guess my cell phone was invisible) just to ask if I had found someone to watch the kids.  What difference does it make?!  You can’t help me anyways so don’t worry about it.  Asshole!  Sometime Saturday I injured my shoulder possibly straining it so all day I was having sharp pains near my left shoulder blade that radiated down my left arm.  I wore an Icy/Hot patch (forgoing fashion here) hoping it would ease the pain but I think it made it worse so I went to the hospital for x-rays (pointless), Valium to relax the muscle, and a pain-killer shot.  By the time I left, I was drowsy and ready to sleep still wearing my dress w/a white flower in my hair.  Soror C was in the room with me so when the nurse told me to undress from the waist up, she had to help me take off my sweater I was wearing over my dress, unbutton and slide down the left side for me, and unbutton my bra.  I felt helpless and didn’t wanna move my arm out of fear of that pain.

There were a lot of moments which irritated me this weekend but it was the usual women-getting-together-to-do-anything moment so it was excusable.  What took the cake was my sister who asked me for $180.  Something told me not to give it to her whether Mr. D volunteered it or not.  He did give me the money but I only gave her $50 of it and gave the rest back to him.  She watched my kids all weekend and texted me asking if she could drop them off at another sister’s apt so she could do homework.  Whatever.  You knew you had homework all weekend so why procrastinate this time?  Then I asked if she’d taken them to see Alice in Wonderland (her idea)….she said “no”.  I asked for the money back which I gave her to take my kids to the movie….she had the nerve to ask if I really wanted it back.  Is it not my money?  Did you ever plan on taking the kids to the movies?  Or did you lie to get extra money from me?  Whatever the case, I wanted my money back which she gave my oldest…she was $2 short but I let it go.  That evening she text me saying I am inconsiderate and how she won’t be doing me any more favors (babysitting).  She said I showed my true colors today (we’re sisters….how could you NOT know how I am) and will get the kids when she wants to get them.  I replied asking her how I had been inconsiderate.  She said, “if you don’t know then it’s not meant for you to know”….dumb response which shows her level of intellect so I left it alone.  Then she told me to pay someone else who is not family to baby-sit cause she ain’t helping me out anymore and Ma always said I was selfish.

Ok, so I ask my sisters all the time to watch my kids because a)I know them b)they are family and c)usually they are free or cheap compared to strangers who baby-sit for income.  One sister told me I only call when I want her to baby-sit which I dnt see the problem if I pay you for it….what’s up with the complaining?!  My mama calling me selfish can go various ways.  She asked me to buy her a car since my credit is better, she used some of my money from a lawsuit to go shopping so now she’s bankrupt, she has this list of expensive things she wants for Mother’s Day/her birthday/Christmas but buy me cheap shyt she find in an Avon book, and she tried to intercept my 2nd check from the lawsuit by calling the office, pretending to be me by giving them my SS#, and had the check set-up to be mailed to her house instead.  When I called and found this out, the attorney who was over the case told me to set-up a password so this doesn’t happen again and my mom was pissed about it.  I told my uncle (her brother) about it and he said that’s “blood money” so if my sister hadn’t die I wouldn’t have it as if I asked for the money.  As if I traded my sister’s life for $68,000 (total amount for all 3 pymts).  As if I was the one trying to steal from my own child.  That was the last time I spoke to him because, being the only sane one in this family, they have a way of making me feel like I’m abnormal & greedy too.  So, my sister saying my mom always said I was selfish was hilarious!  I’m only selfish if I don’t give them (or her) what she wants.  As far as doing me a favor, I dnt need them to baby-sit….I was just trying to save money and use family because I thought that’s one of the things family do….help each other out.

When I first moved back to Chicago, I was in a bad financial situation.  I was trying to hold onto my job, continue my car pymts, pay rent, groceries, and almost $300/week for childcare out in the northern suburbs of Chicago.  No one offered to help me!  I had my ex keep my youngest til I got my situation under control but I never made it home in time for the 6pm closing of the various daycare centers (traffic and snow) so my oldest was kicked out.  Last minute with no back-up and couldn’t afford to lose my job, I left my son at home alone when the school bus dropped him off after school.  I think I did that for 2 weeks max before I was found out and Child Protective Services were called in.  My pastor at the time reassured them the church will help me so there was no need for the state to take my kids away from me.  I couldn’t say anything but cry.  Everyone at the church asked if my mom could help and I told him “no” but they wanted me to ask anyways….so I did.  My mom, the unselfish one, told me she’ll only help me out if I signed over my parental rights to my son which means she wanted to bank off her grandson and file him on her taxes and all that good stuff.  I told her “no” and shook my head at the idea that folks think my family is the least bit caring.  Inconsiderate?  Selfish?  Bad mom?  I have been the latter of the three but never the first two and it’s all because I don’t just hand over money to people who think they deserve it.  No one helped me through school, paid my bills or tuition, no one helped me move much less find a job to move for, and no one has helped me since then.  I did cry when my sister told me this because I’ve been trying hard to prove I am anything but those things but they only want to see what they want.  To get mad at me for asking for my change back is ridiculous and to think it’s my responsibility to financially support any of them is absurd esp when you talk about me behind my back.  Who needs enemies?

On a happier note, I applied for a Director of Financial Student Services maybe a week ago and received an email asking me to come in for an interview.  I emailed her back and called her number included in the email.  Also, I was job searching on Monster when I saw an open Treasury Analyst I position at the same company I was did co-training for.  I applied via Monster and I emailed the Treasury Analyst IV who was in the training asking her to forward my resume directly to the manager (her boss) of the Treasury Dept.  She said “absolutely” and how it’s not bad to need to expand your horizons.  The Director position is a tad bit over my head as far as the management experience (I have none) but I meet the qualifications as far as finance goes.  The position calls for managing folks within the Financial Aid dept so maybe they think I can learn how to manage folks…I dnt know.  The Director position is far into the ‘burbs so I’d definitely need to get a car but the pay is$70-80k so we shall see.  Still going to apply elsewhere too.  The Treasury Analyst position is the one I really want although I’m sure the salary is no were near $70k but I really would prefer that job over the Director one lol I must be crazy, huh?  That is it.  I go back to work Wednesday so I need to rest up some more and suck down some more pain killers and just forget about family….you can’t make everyone like you.

April 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Still Bleeding

15036I told myself I needed a break from blogging since I blog entirely too much but my mind won’t let me.  Today I was handed a pill called Misunderstood…told to swallow it….and I can still feel the pain as it went down slow and rough against the tender lining of my esophagus.  Is my heart still bleeding from the blog earlier? Yes, it is but I am more so focused on why and how I have been misunderstood.  Queen?  I was told that I act like a queen as if what I say goes and heaven forbid if it doesn’t.  I was even told that someone else has bent over backwards for me and I have not for them.  I just don’t know what to say because it’s not true.  I know it’s not but, for the sake of not arguing again, I shut up. 

Now, it’s my time to sing Misunderstood with my own violin as I share the stage with myself under the warm stage lights screeching into the mic as tears threaten to run down my face.  All I did was try and I still get labeled so why do I even try?  I have no answer.  I don’t think I ever will.  I have never been at such a loss for words before and no I do not regret what I wrote in my blogs.  That was my release no matter how the words may sting that is how I feel and I have a right to feel the way I did at the time.  Yes, I over-exaggerate for emphasis….my regular readers know that…I guess some I still have to explain myself but I hold true to what I feel. 

Where do we go from here?  I have pulled the white flag from my pocket ready to surrender because I just don’t know how I can go on.  Cut my losses.  Put an end to it.  Is it even worth?  How can two people hurt each other so much?  Misunderstanding?  No.  We both needed to air some things and, when we did, we released some bombs that fucked each other up!  Talk about clear the air.  Let shit off your chest.  Put it all out on the table.  Of course my words were a little bit harsher than his but…what can I say…I just say shit how I feel it.  If I feel it then I say it as is.  Good?  No but you know how I feel.  Tend to get the wrong idea?  Yes but never not getting an idea at all. 

Other than my blog, I have not gotten to the bottom of why I have a mark on my back.  What did I do wrong?  I almost don’t wanna care.  I almost wanna say fuck it.  I almost wanna say kick rocks and break your fucking toe while you at it.  I almost wanna say go fuck yourself.  But I know I don’t mean it.  I’m just upset, frustrated, confused, and emotional right now.  I love that fool!  I do.  I almost wish I didn’t but I do.  I almost wish I had never met him but I don’t.  I almost wish this was easier but it’s just not.  I almost wish he’d leave me and I him but we never do.  I almost…..almost wish…wish I could cry and erase what happened a few hours ago but my tears are as useless as writing this damn blog because no matter what words I type to form what sentence it does not and never will change the fact that we hurt each other in some way, brought tears to each other’s eyes, and we both think we ourselves are in the right. 

I don’t care to be right anymore…lets just fix it and make up….can we?  Please.  Queens can beg too ya know.

March 11, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | Leave a comment

Bleeding

06-self-portrait-with-bleeding-heartMy mind is racing and I can’t think.  My heart hurts and I can’t feel.  I wanna cry but my eyes are dry.  I wanna scream but my throat hurts.  I wish he was dead but I want him alive.  I wanna hit him but I wanna console him.  I hate him but then I love him.  This tug-of-war is torture but healing.  I hang myself but I also hang him.  I save me but I save him too.  He is a liability.  A mental case incompetent to live here on earth with the rest of us.  Why?  Because he wreaks havoc every time he passes a normal female because some normal female wreaked havoc on him and that is all he knows.  He apologizes but won’t stop.  He is regretful but knows it’s coming.  I hate him as God has asked me not to.  I love him as Satan has asked me not to.  My mind lynched him.  My heart drowned him.  I curse the day he was born but I bless that day too.  I spit in his face but then I kiss his face.  I wonder why me while he wonders why him.  He means well but he doesn’t try well enough.  To love and hate the same person in the same heartbeat of emotion is complicated.  How do you know how you feel?  Right now….I want to see him suffer as he has caused me to.  I want to see the pain done to him multiplied three fold so he jumps into the lake with a weight tied to his feet and his hand chained together.  I want to see my pain inflicted on him.  That is what we do, right?  We want the accused to feel our pain so they can hurt with us instead of us hurting alone.  I want him to feel my hurt.  Stick your hand in my heart and feel the blood spilling out.  Feel the frustration from my mind.  Feel my wet eyes.  Feel my shot nerves.  Feel my pain.  Feel me.  I do not care what she did to you because, now, you are her and I hate you as you used to hate her.  You are her.  She is you.  You have become what you hated.  You have become my worst enemy.  You have hurt the person who loved you.  You are no better than her.  You are who she became.  You should look in the mirror and see her face.  You should live the rest of your days seeing her face.  I hate you…for now.  I loved you…then.  I love you…still.  I understood….at one time.  I empathized with you….for awhile.  I wish you dead…today.  I wish you alive….I guess.  I am not asking you to put yourself in my shoes because whatever you touch withers and dies like my heart, faith in love, and hope in you.  Your words are acid to my eardrums.  Your eyes are lasers to my flesh.  Your touch is lethal in my existence.  I hate you because I see her and I don’t see you anymore.  You no longer stand before me.  She does.  Hello, let me introduce myself.  You took his place so I now feel the pain you inflicted on him.  I hate you.  Not him.  I hate you because you hurt him so all he does is hurt others.  Kill him God.  Kill him.  He is defective and dysfunctional.  Rid the world of this infection.  He should be quarantined.  Kill him.  Or else I will.  After I mend my heart, dry my eyes, and put the pieces of my life back together.  You have become her.  She is you.  You are not the person I thought I knew.  Go with the flow?  I always thought you were such an intelligent person but I guess you do not understand that a flow is in constant motion moving in some direction and not at a standstill.  When did you lose your mind too?  See God.  He is deteriorating before our eyes.  See my heart?  The blood on my hands?  My heart is dying from the trauma.  My heart is bleeding.  I think he has killed me.  So kill him for me before I die.  And take this heart because I never needed it anyway.  He lost his a long time ago.

March 11, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | Leave a comment

The Truth Hurts

marital_honesty1Today I hurt someone’s feelings because of something I wrote.  When I wrote it it gave me relief.  I wrote, spell-checked, and pressed Publish or Post…I didn’t read it over partly because, at that moment, I needed to get that out.  The next day I realized what I had written but I couldn’t bring myself to read it much less delete even when I had the chance to I didn’t.  Why?  Because it was what I was honestly feeling at the time.  To delete would be to make small of my own thoughts and feelings as if they never existed.  However, to someone else having to read and know how you really feel about them occasionally can possibly hurt them ingesting it as much as it hurt you keeping it bottled in.  So who wins? 

On one hand, I would say both win because, only now, is the truth out in the open.  The truth is what is true for that person but may not be the truth on all levels.  Having not shared that would leave that person misinformed.  Having shared it has opened the gates of communication.  On the other hand, I would say both have the potential to lose depending on how both parties react.  The writer did not delete knowing what may happen if read and the reader may take offense knowing they did nothing to prevent their subsequent hurt.  I could look at this from all angles and perspectives flipping, dicing, and sauteing but it all boils down to the end result….a new start.  I thought we were finally going somewhere but I knew I couldn’t go along for the ride if what I was feeling was still present….I’d be living a lie or giving only apart of me.  Having to look this person in the eye, feel my heart, and read my own mind….I did it to free it.

Yes, it hurt.  Was it neccesary?  I surely think so even though I never intended it to go down as it did partly because I don’t remember how much detail I wrote since I still have yet to read my own venomous words.  I thank God we aren’t at each others throats.  I thank God for this chance to clear the air.  I thank God for whatever may come.  Lies, fakeness, wearing a mask, concealing what should be transparent….it requires too much work and makes for a shaky foundation.  No matter the relationship type…a strong foundation is key and I don’t care how many times one of us have to go at that very foundation with a jackhammer.  Cracks happen, rain will surely come in life and foundations will expand and contract (I learned that from my archy/struction friends), and things need to be repaired and replaced over time.  I apologize sweetie.  I really do.  Look on the bright side….no weak ass foundation anymore.

What I did re-read was our talk today….all 6 hours of it.  I replayed it all over.  The advanced warning.  The question.  The declaration of hurt.  The idea of stepping back.  The explanation.  The reassurance of understanding.  The apology.  The questions.  The disclosure.  The kicker statement made.  The need to get up and walk away.  The phone call.  The return.  The brief glass-half-empty mentality.  The shift in direction.  The removal of the blinders and a ray of sunlight.  The inquiry of needs.  Another inquiry of needs.  Realization of never been asked that question.  Realization that this person was not joking.  Asked if you wanna be that one.  Reply of course you wanna be that one.  Finally realizing you are seriously concerned.  Finally realizing how you really want a chance.  Words cease.  Time passes.  Day ends.  Thoughts continue.  Still do….obviously because I am writing this.  At the corner of truth should be love.  If it was hate then you would surely destroy what you have.  But, if it is love you have a chance to salvage what you have.

March 5, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | Leave a comment

Visitor

  opendoor1

Satan stopped by to see me
He reminded me
He angered me
He irritated me
He got to me
I relived it
But I did not cry
I replayed it
But I did not write
I remembered it
But I did not fret

God stopped by to see me
He encouraged me
He motivated me
He inspired me
He held on to me
I relived it
And I did cry
I replayed it
And I did write
I remembered it
And I did fret

Satan stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So remain where I am

God stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So I must not remain where I am

Satan stopped by to see me
He pointed out all their flaws
He built my wall of distrust
With a foundation of anger
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where I was

God stopped by to see me
He pointed out all my flaws
He took a hammer to my walls
And a jackknife to my foundation
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where He was

Satan stopped by to see me
We laughed
We partied
We drank
We danced
He made me forget my pain
He taught me to live again

God stopped by to see me
We read
We talked
We sung
We danced
He made me acknowledge my pain
He showed me how to live again

Satan stopped by to see me
But God was still here
S told me to come out and play
G said I was busy today
S reminded me of that party
G told me I would be sorry
I turned to God in anger
And hit Him with my fist
You put me in this mess
Now you ask that I stay?!
God let me hit and He never moved
God let me vent and He never moved
God let me cry and He never moved
God let me tire and He never moved

Satan stood there laughing
Satan stood there watching
Satan stood there helping me
Punch God a little bit harder
God asked why I hit Him
Because you let them hit me
God asked why I yell at Him
Because you let them yell at me
God asked why I hurt Him
Because you let them hurt me
God asked why I had left Him
Because you let them leave me

God stepped closer to me
Then Satan stepped closer
Now they have hit you
Now they have yelled at you
Now they have hurt you
Now they have left you
Now…love them
I stepped back in shock
And fell right into Satan
Love them?!
Why me and not them?
Satan leans over near my ear
And whispers that God is crazy
That He has finally lost His mind
God snatches Satan from the room
And throws him from my mind

She told you what to do
But you decided to ignore her
She told you about the Fruit
Yet still you ignored her
Now I am standing here
Speaking to you myself
Take your mind off them
And quit focusing on “I”

God took my hand
And looked me in the eye
He said I know you hurt
I have seen when you have cried
I was there when you were alone
I told my angels to call your phone
But I knew their words didn’t matter
And neither did her many
I knew exactly what you needed
And it wasn’t even my presence
So I told you to go
When you really wanted to stay
I told you to stand
When you really wanted to sit
When you stood there in front
And you meet his eyes
And he held your hand
It was not just he
but it was also I
He looked you in your eyes
And welcomed you back home
And from then it no longer mattered
This little episode over a stupid phone
Like he said those were my footprints
You saw in the sand
I never once left you darling
I was always here holding your hand
Every tear that fell from your eyes
I caught each one in my hand
All the pain you felt inside
I took it and buried it in the sand

This type of love I am teaching you
Is nothing like the world demands
It requires every ounce of your strength
To love your foes as you do your friends
When you walked up there on your own
It really made me smile
A child may leave their father
But a Father never leaves His child
Satan stopped by to see me
I stopped by to see God

January 27, 2009 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

His words mine

My chest is burning today because I miss this guy.  He is my tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream but I am tipping the scale at 300 lbs. – I do not need it and I know I don’t but I can’t for the life of me pull myself from him.  Well, I have pulled myself from him so to speak and here is how: I intentionally pissed him off.  I cut him off to the point where it seemed like I hated him that way he will severely block me off from his world and I, by sheer default, will be left with no option but to deal with it.  I know it is pathetic but I know my weaknesses so why lie to myself?! 

To say I don’t miss him would be a lie.  To say I don’t love him would be comedy.  To say I don’t wish to see his face or hear his voice would be a stretch.  To say I wish I was 100 lbs instead of 300 so I could kill that tub of ice cream would be accurate.  Maybe I won’t look good that skinny.  Maybe I won’t want him when I am that skinny.  Maybe he won’t want me when I am that skinny.  Either way it goes he is not here and I purposely pushed him away to ensure he will not be here.  I pray for the day when these words are mine spoken in sincere honesty when they were his…

but my heart doesn’t miss her…and my spirit hasn’t interceded…and God hasn’t made me feel otherwise.”

He spoke those words about someone else but, not to sound hyper-girlie anymore than I already have, I think I am hurting.

January 13, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , | Leave a comment