32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Happy, I Am

Lately, I have been focused on school, work, my household, and sticking to running.  Running has happily become something I do when I have time which usually is twice a week but last week it was once a week.  I had gained weight in all the right areas so I was getting many compliments but now, since I have gotten super competitive and serious about finishing times, I am back skinny again.  My hairdresser said, “you lost your weight” as if it was a bad thing.  I told her I picked up my running since she last saw me in August.  I can’t win for losing I swear.  I liked the extra “thickness” too but when I think about running races and not just finishing but finishing well….I think I have my entire life to live the sedentary lifestyle, gain some weight, fill out, and get the curves most women in my family already have.  For now, I wanna run long and fast while I still can and milk my youth for all I can while I can.  Do not want any regrets and when did being skinny become a bad thing?!  I weigh 125lbs which isn’t “skinny” to me.  Yeah, I might be slim but I am fit still.  Anywho, I was making my racing schedule for next year and I am totally undecided.  I know I wanna work on my 5k time for this race in Sept 2011 but I also wanna finish another half marathon.  How do you train for both distances at the same time?  I know it’s possible since both require a speedy mile time but one requires a great of deal stamina too.  I am eyeing a 5k in April 2011, a 10 mile in May, a  half marathon in June 2011, a 10 mile in July, and a 5k in Sept.  Kinda looks like a pyramid in distances doesn’t it? I might add something in August but these are all tentative and suggest I need to maintain my fitness level during the winter – seriously.  I cannot seem to run without racing. 

Finances.  I opened a Money Market account with Ally Bank since they offer a better interest rate than my crappy Bank of America savings account.  I could get a better account with a higher interest rate but that involves minimum balances, fees for a certain number of transactions, etc.  I just needed another place to hold my Emergency Fund so I do not literally have to see it every time I log into Bank of America.  It is too tempting to overspend and just move money from my savings to my checking.  If I move my main balance thus putting a wait time on a transfer of funds then I will be less inclined to just dip in for no reason other than I can.  The good thing is that the Ally account comes with an ATM card with no ATM fees when used at other bank ATMs and an interest rate which is compounded daily – DAILY!  Music to my ears.  Bad thing is my name is still hyphenated which their system does not like so the Back Office has to manually approve all this other crap before I can even make a deposit.  I’m pissed about it since hyphenated names aren’t really unheard of and since my SS# still has both names I kind of needed to add both.  Yeah, great deal with the interest rates but I am growing nothing with a balance of $0.00.  Did I mention being pissed?

Work.  My supervisor has his days when he irritates me.  He is taking classes.  Where?  I have no idea esp since he is 50+ with kids close to my age.  He works from home on Wednesdays now.  I still work from home Tuesday & Thursdays.  When he is out of the office on Wednesdays, he makes sure either my former supervisor is there or our manager is there.  I think it’s cute but I told him I don’t need a babysitter.  Maybe he don’t trust me but I kinda think he gives me more than enough control and freedom to deal with our customers with little to no imput from him so trust is the last thing I can honestly think of.  Maybe it’s a “just in case” set up but is that not what phones are for?!  I can call him like he calls me or sends emails to check on me like I am literally his child.  I am not complaining but checking in at work is kinda stupid when he does not check any of my actual work.  You feel me??  Other than that, I am mentally preparing for this $1,500 certification exam I plan to take June 2011 but have to register for in January.  It is optional but I think it will help me within my field.

School.  We had an awesome guest speaker this week who started off the discussion by asking 2 students who, from our class, would they would hire if they had their own company.  I knew who I would choose in case he pointed at me but he never did.  These 2 students said “I don’t know because I don’t know them” to which the speaker said “bullshit!”  Ok, he didn’t say that but he did say “you two aren’t risk takers and scared to make decisions on the fly so you are not good leaders”.  I thought it was kinda harsh but intriguing at the same time.  The woman I picked in my head was actually his “student” so she came highly recommended which I didn’t find out until later in the class so that means I am gutsy and know enough about someone in the weeks since class started to know their character and work ethic kinda sorta??  He then asked this guy who I sit near every week if he likes me.  Without flinching or hesitating the guy said “yes” while looking the speaker straight in the eye.  The speaker asked him why he knew his answer with such certainty and the student said, “I knew I liked her after talking to her the first 5 minutes of our first day of class”.  Interesting.  I am loving my 2 classes thus far and writing papers isn’t as boring as I thought.  I seriously got into Business so I’d never have to write another freaking paper or sit in an English class again but obviously that plan has backfired.

Personal Life.  Mr. D and I were friends up until I told him I was dating someone else so we would have to go back to being friends like we were prior to dating (i.e. no daily communication, popping up at my apt, late night chats, or doing stuff for me & the kids).  He said, “ok, I’ll call you tomorrow” to which I said “D, you can’t call me everyday either” to which he said “aight, well good-bye” and I haven’t heard from him since.  I don’t get it.  He broke up with me, I accepted it and moved on, I didn’t say “dnt talk to me” but I did say “I am moving on” so I don’t get the attitude.   Honestly, I am not dating anyone.  I just told him that so he would distance his self from me because I do not have the will power to do it myself.  Have you ever had someone in your life by habit and not necessarily by need?  I want him around because I geninuely care about him but not all up in my life – too close and when you break up with someone you should make it a clean break.  Why are you sticking around?!  On another note, my closest friends are happily single and I honestly love it.  One friend has been celibate for 6 months and not dating anyone, another has moved into her own apartment and talks about her new single life without a man like she hit the lottery and can now go and do whatever her heart desires, and another ended her 7 year relationship with her live-in boyfriend while joking that she got a divorce too (lol referring to my divorce & her common law marriage) and how she hid her true self while in relationships and was ready to enjoy her friends until she meets someone she can be herself around and with.  I don’t think I have ever had a group of women around me who were not crying about being single, looking to find their knight in shining armor, or looking to have kids cause their biological clocks were ticking.  I honestly love it!  I am not bitter about any relationship or guy so I really appreciate these friends not being bitter in any way either.  We are single and there is nothing wrong with that, dammit 🙂 Now, I know I will struggle with the sex thing because, truth be told, I love sex.  Lots of it, in various positions, at random times & places, and often.  I’ll be logging hella miles this Fall and Winter, trust me!

October 17, 2010 Posted by | Life | , | Leave a comment

Am I Happy?

“Nothing I say will change a thing but at least what I do will cause a ripple.”  -Denisha (who quotes themselves?!)

Am I happy?  I shrugged my shoulders because I am not quite sure what “happy” means when you apply it to a certain area of my life.  Or, I just want to make things complicated by over thinking it instead of being honest.  Last night, I got off the phone with a friend and mentally ran through a list of all the things I do and do not like.  Conclusion: I am not happy with this person.  Great person, don’t get me wrong but I settle for a lot that inconveniences me.  I put up with more than I care to and I cannot find a legitimate reason as to why I am more at peace when days go by without communication compared when a day comes when we do.  Peace.  Not really happiness but it is a prerequisite or at least the starting blocks to getting there.  My problem is I question everything that eliminates someone or something familiar in my life no matter how I must admit I like it when they are not there anymore.  Probably a guilt trip because I think I should feel bad they are no longer around.

A friend asked what do I enjoy.  Then I thought about that as I finished homework this week.  As I calculated exponents, regression analysis, breakeven points, and logarithms – I realized I enjoy math.  I didn’t get everything right but my geeky a$$ enjoy going back, working through examples again, re-reading the explanations, and trying it until it makes sense to me.  Computing numbers excites me for some reason.  With numbers, I have no fear of getting the wrong answer, of getting a big fat red F, or of looking completely stupid because I understand that if I can just memorize and understand the rules those rules never change so no matter what numbers you insert on the path to the correct answer it will remain the same path.  There exists a constant.  I love constants.  Doing my assignments, I realized how this stuff was making sense and how this basic concept that I learned in high school actually means this in the business world and this is just this given a prettier title and this is just that given a cute label.  The underlying concept never changes.  What it goes by, how it is referred to, and why it is used does.  Minor details.  What does this all mean?  I like math – pass or fail.

A lot of people say you start to wonder about the meaning of life while running a marathon or any longer distance run than you are used to.  I do not.  I wonder why I signed up for this crap at all.  I usually wonder about in-depth things around my period or maybe that is when I feel like expressing.  I don’t know.  What else do I enjoy?  I enjoy nature.  I like smelling grass, sitting in grass, looking at grass, rolling around in grass, and playing on grass.  I like trees.  I like nature sounds.  I like watching animals run around free.  I like feeling the wind.  I like to feel and see the sun.  I like to be outdoors in nature.  I like to be outdoors period.  I like to be free.  I do not like time constraints, deadlines, to-do lists, or itineraries.  I like to play things by ear and wing it.  I am rarely spontaneous if you ask 90% of the people I know but order keeps me in life and spontaneity makes me seriously think this sh*t is for the birds.

I enjoy watching movies no matter how ridiculous a movie costs nowadays.  I like to venture into another world, into a story, with characters, and a plot.  I like to leave my world for a little bit and go somewhere else.  Kinda like reading a good book but a movie offers the visual when my imagination is out of the office returning the next business day.  I enjoy eating chocolate, eating new foods that do not look like the animal they came from, and eating something nutritiously bad.  I enjoy long walks on the beach lol just kidding but I do enjoy sitting on the beach, talking, and playing in the sand drawing stuff with my fingers, digging my toes in the sand, and just listening to the water.  I enjoy arguing.  Let me explain: I enjoy arguing because I get to battle, compete with words, test my own knowledge of a situation/event and learn something new).  I like to debate stuff and discuss stuff that is so trivial it won’t upset either party, won’t end world hunger, or bring peace to the middle east but so serious that it shows where the other person’s mind has been before me and where it has the potential to go with me or after me.  That is sexy.

I sat down last night and admitted I am afraid.  I am in school.  I have plans for this and that.  Things seem to be going well with an occasional glitch here and there.  I am honestly optimistic about life while at the same time being afraid I will not get to live out my plans.  I wish I could honestly say that death makes me happy because I will finally be free from pain here on earth and in Heaven (Lord I pray) chillin’ like a villan (wrong words) but it does not.  I want to finish out my plans.  I want to accomplish what I have set out to do.  I want to see all of this come to fruition.  I wanna check it off my list no matter how trivial that list may be because I’m anal enough to freak out if I write it on the list and never get to complete it so if I will not make it then I wanna know how many plans to make so I can stop living and wait for death to come.  Does that make sense?  I know it does not because it barely makes sense to me and I’m the one who is writing this mess.

October 6, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

Sunkissed

Sunkissed_by_girltrippedI’ve told this story before but I like it so much and it rings true every time that I wanna tell it again.  Growing up, I shared a room with my big sis.  We had twin beds and mine always sat next to the window which turned out to be a blessing because, during Chicago summers (as if no other city has summers or the sun lol), the sun would wake me up each and every morning.  I would say the sun kissed me awake.  I’d feel the sun and see it from behind my eyelids, smile, and then open my eyes just happy to see how beautiful the day was.  The trees were full and green.  There was a summer breeze in the air.  And Sunny was there shining really bright.  Now, as if I’m a little kid again, my bed still sit next to the window.  It’s another Chicago summer, the windows are always open to allow the breeze in, the blinds are open, and I see the sun through the trees every morning.  There is a big tree blocking my Sunny but I can see him through the leaves.  Some mornings I rush out of bed (often grudgingly) and sleepwalk toward the bathroom not caring about seeing another day.  This morning, although I was up late in a state of insomnia, I woke up fairly cheerful feeling kinda bad that I’d missed my morning run but still happy that the sun was shining bright.  You see, I miss Sunny during the cold winters.  I wish I had a summer house I could move to during the winter OR I wish I lived somewhere sunny all year long but then I’d be writing about missing the autumn and thick snow of the winter.  Yeah, I’m confused and all over the place because I’m still young, don’t know who I really am, and still tryna find my way in life.  Or so I was told.  Either way, today was a good day!  Now I’m tired, need to apply to some more jobs, and find a GMAT study buddy because I lack any kinda discipline.  If it was a 6 mile run I’d be all over it.  Studying?  Procrastination sets in immediately.  Anywho, it’s Friday and I have nothing planned but studying, knitting, running, reading, going out, and job searching.  Ya know….the usual weekend stuff.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment