32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Selfish Grief

fraying20brown20fiber20rope20against20black20background201**Here I am with another emotional post!  I wrote this a week ago today but didn’t post it but now I am since I’ve had a chance to re-read it making sure I wasn’t emotionally off-kilt with how I was feeling.  Conclusion: I still have the same selfish feelings but I know I gotta let him go in a sense.  15 yrs is a long time to be that easily broken anyways.

I started crying today and I am totally ashamed to admit why but I will because you all don’t know me but those that do shouldn’t be too surprised.  I have this friend whom I have known for about 15 years.  He is engaged.  He got engaged in February and never told me.  He found out I was upset that we’d been friends all these years and that he keeps a secret from me?!  So, he tells me eventually but I never asked when the wedding will take place because I had no intentions on going.  Why?  Hmm, I can’t.  I just can’t.  I don’t think he would mind my absence but I needed to ask just to be sure.  Well, today I asked him the date for no reason other than knowing when to plan something on that exact weekend so I’d have an excuse not to go.  Well, when he told me the date I nodded my head to say “ok” and then he walked away.  About ten minutes later my eyes began to water for no reason at all.

Here I sat trying to shield my face and casually wipe at my eyes as if I had something in them wanting to kick myself for acting like this.  Why?  It took me getting home and figuring that out after venting to my BFFs who know about our friendship.  See, we used to talk all the time and no matter the time of day or night.  We used to talk in the morning on his way to church or work.  We used to talk in the evening when he couldn’t sleep.  We used to talk while one of us got ready to go somewhere or do something.  We’d just talk for an hour or two or just for 20-30 minutes.  In addition to talking, we would text.  Usually if a week or so has gone by and he hasn’t seen or spoke to me he will text to make sure I am ok or even alive.  Just checking up.  Often times than not, I’d text to ask him a question.  If I was thinking about him I’d see how he is doing.  Texting has replaced our phone conversations but that is how we keep in touch outside of church Sunday morning.  Still does not matter the time of day or night but, using this mode of communication, one of us may have to wait til the next day to get a reply but there is never a “are you crazy?! you texted/called me at 3am!”   

Well, tonight at about 11pm I decided to text him this: “would you be upset if I missed your wedding?”  He replied back, “Yes….why wouldn’t you come?”  I didn’t know what to say because I was expecting a, “oh naw, if you can’t make it then it’s cool” but he didn’t say that.  Then I replied, “well, I didn’t think you’d say that” and he said, “why would I not want you there? you are my bestteedd friend”.  I was thinking how can I say, “because I refuse to celebrate with the both of you as she rides off into the sunset with MYfriend!  I was here first and I don’t care how immature or selfish I am acting because I have a right to feel the way I do and it’s almost expected.  She can sex with you.  She can have your babies.  I don’t want you for that but I don’t wanna lose you either.”  But I didn’t say that because the meaning may get misconstrued so instead I replied, “nevermind, I will be there”.

Today I guess I finally came to grips with the fact that I will lose my friend.  He will always be there but not as I have grown accustomed.  Right now, he lives alone but I know I will have to stop the text messages because I wonder if his new wife will have a problem if she checks his phone to see my name in a string of text messages at a ridiculous hour of the day.  I have the utmost respect for the spouse-to-be but I can’t help but have my own moment of grief.  Things will never be the same and I guess I will miss that knowing I have had to deal with things as they have changed over time.  That is why I was crying.  He knows me and when you find that comfort with someone it is hard to see it reduced to nothing more than an occasional hello and hug as you part ways because life changes.  I really know she is a perfect fit for him and he is finally happy because I knew his ex.  His ex didn’t appreciate him in any way and now he has found someone who does and actually understands him.  But must I lose my friend? 

The last time we didn’t see each other was about a month long.  It was cute.  I just stopped going to church for that period of time and, randomly, I showed up one Saturday to help with a Prayer Breakfast.  He was walking by as I was entering the room carrying trays of food and our eyes met and he smiled at me.  He had stopped walking as if he was seeing a ghost and I smiled almost shyly and looked away (you know how church folk talk).  Later he came over and stood next to me and playfully shoved me with his shoulder.  I started laughing.  He shoved me again maybe twice and then said, “it feels like I haven’t seen you in so long” at which he gives me one of those lingering sideway hugs and I knew he had really missed me.  A mutual friend of ours asked me why exactly was I upset and I told him it was because I was losing my friend.  He said that I was losing him in a certain aspect due to the progression of life which is a positive and my time will soon come too so what is more important: a friend I hold dear who has found love or having my full access to him like I always have?  Of course I want him happy so you all know my answer.  It just hurts to think about how much time and effort went into building and strengthening that rope of ours just to see it down to it’s last fray before it’s torn apart.  If it won’t be the same then what will it be?

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May 3, 2009 Posted by | Love, Me | , , , , , | 6 Comments

Tearless Cries

crying_girl-2072

I read that tearless cries are the worse cries there are simply because the sorrow seen in your eyes are not evident through the act of crying.  Crying is a release of built up emotions and grief felt inside but no one knows your inner pain.  No one sees your inner pain.  No one knows you are even in pain because you refuse to let your tears fall.  I admit I have pride when I know I should not.  My pride has prevented me from talking about it.  My pride has prevented me from acknowledging it.  My pride has made me pick up a mask and place it over my face to hide the pain someone might see in the absence of my tears.

Feel my feelings is what they say – it is an important part of hurting.  I feel my feelings only a tad bit because my mind is standing guard trying to make sense to me.  My mind tends to work in overdrive and it simply cannot explain to my heart what happened.  It is illogical and irrational.  It does not  show that ‘B’ is missing from the A+B+C=D.  My heart and mind speak two different languages so I don’t even know why I bother!  Linear … I cannot overcome myself but, at the same time, must I overcome myself to accommodate someone else?  That’s another blog.  So, I feel hurt.  I feel sad.  I feel miserable.  I feel pathetic even admitting this but that means I am on the right path and should continue if I hope to get over it. 

I feel down.  I feel like it is ok for me to talk about it.  I feel ok with chillin at home (esp since it’s below zero outside right now).  I feel I do need time to myself.  I feel like I am getting by ok where I am.  I feel strong in my moments of weakness.  Earlier today, in the midst of feeling ‘ok’ I was sitting here when this state of sadness came over me.  Like a wave, this overwhelming sadness engulfed me and all I could do was sit down and feel it.  Absorb it.  Acknowledge it.  Allow it to come and do it’s thing and let it leave when it is time.  Time.  One thing I have no problem placing on grief because the worst thing you can do is bring emotional baggage into your future.

There is a rainbow after the storm.  I have even seen a rainbow during a storm as it begins to ease up.  I will see my rainbow but, for now, I am ceasing my tearless cries … allowing those close to me to see my hurt … and acknowledging that someone meant this much to me that I need to feel my feelings before I move on to the next stage.  Ruin my mascara.  Smear my lipstick.  Mess up my bangs.  Redden my eyes and cause them to look puffy.  Write some thoughts.  Read my thoughts.  Delete my thoughts later.  Pride?  Yeah, my well-being trumps my pride any day – pride has officially left the building!

January 16, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment