32B's Blog

…where I write my words

3rd Genesis

I think I left off at the account of Abram.  This is from chapter 12 to chapter 23.  So, I have heard most of these stories before so I didn’t really read anything surprising but, me being me, I felt confused on certain parts and had questions.  From day one, it talks about God calling Abram but, throughout these chapters, Abram is kinda shady using his wife to acquire things from Kings whose lands they pass along the way.  He does it repeatedly to the point that I wondered why God even chose him, how Sarai could go ahead with being pimped out for Abram’s needs, and why God threatened to harm the Kings and not Abram when they didn’t know.  Later, I find out that Sarah (name has been changed by now) actually is Abraham’s (name has been changed by now) sister…the daughter of Abraham’s father but to a different mother.  So, technically speaking, Abraham was not lying but, truthfully, why did he have to pimp her out like that?  The last account, the King hadn’t touched her and this is when Abraham admits he wanted to see if the King had the fear of God in him.  Who are you to be testing folks?!  No where in the Bible did God give the ok to Abraham to test these Kings esp when God is recorded as speaking to Abraham quite often.  Why leave that tidbit out?!  Then Abraham tells Sarah (at least in my version), that this is how she can show her love for him.  Sounds like crap some stupid men say now, “if you love me you’ll blah blah blah”.  What about if you love her??  Then God does not reprimand Abraham.  He gets mad at the Kings whether they touched Sarah or not.  Never at Abraham which leads me to believe that either the documentation is faulty here so maybe there was dialogue but it wasn’t captured which opens the door for the next thought that maybe other stuff was not documented.  Or, maybe it makes no sense period and it is what it is.  Fair and just God?  It does not add up in my opinion. 

Hagar, Ishmael, and Sarah….yeah, stupid decision and the everlasting result of that stupid decision on Sarah’s part.  Your husband already pimped you out and now you freely give him a woman to have his child.  Great!  I personally see nothing confusing or wrong with Hagar or Ishmael.  I did make sure I read and understood that God indeed said He’d bless Ishmael and his descendants not wanting to make him pay for a mistake he had no hand in even having it stated in the Bible that God was with him as he grew up and didn’t leave him to die in the desert.  But, it’s clearly reiterated more than once that God says he shall establish His covenant with Isaac….not Ishmael.  According to the accurate documentation of Moses (sarcasm), God never once left or forgot about Ishmael.  He just was not the one God intended to be apart of the covenant.  Here the line is clearly drawn in the cement.

Majorly confused area: chapter 18 which talks about the 3 visitors.  Who are they?  From the way the chapter is written, I assumed they were regular men who randomly showed up at Abraham’s house but God begins to talk to them in this chapter and to Abraham as well so now I think they were likely angels.  One time God asked them if he should tell Abraham what he planned to do to Sodom as if these men have already been briefed on the situation and needed to catch Abraham up.  Who would know before God’s chosen man but angels?  Then, at end of chapter 18 it says the men went toward Sodom while Abraham stayed and chit chatted with God but, at the beginning of chapter 19, it says the two angels arrived at Sodom as if their presence was a continuation.  So, assumption being made here, there were 2 angels and God which made up the 3 visitors….sounds good?  And Abraham is said to have spoken to them as “my lord”…I’m sure that wasn’t gonna fly with any regular man off the streets.  Funny part of chapter 18: Sarah trying to lie to God.  “I didn’t laugh” – Sarah “Yes, you did” -God.  Second funny part of chapter 18, Abraham asking God all these questions about what if there are righteous folks in Sodom shall they die with the wicked.  My irritation was when he asked like 6 questions but could have hit 2 birds with one stone if he’d just worded that one question correctly to cover all bases.  “So, if they are any righteous folks in Sodom will you kill them along with the wicked no matter how many righteous folks there are?”  See how easy that was!  But, noooooooo, Abraham sounded like a 4 yr old just rambling off questions with no end in sight.  God was being really patient which means He can’t be irritated yet with my more literal and properly worded questions 🙂

Lot and his daughters.  Men in the Bible seem so stupid and easily manipulative at times.  How many stories are there in the Bible of a man being taken advantage of by a woman?  I am sure carrying on the family name was imperative back in those days but it’s a good thing that importance stayed in those days esp if sleeping with my daddy was the only option available to me.  Treaty at Beersheba.  Read it, understand it, but not sure of its importance.  Maybe it’s something to be referenced later.  Abraham is tested….we all know the story of him being asked to sacrifice his son Isaac and an angel of God stopping him right before he kills him and instead offers a ram in a nearby bush as a sacrifice sparing Isaac’s life and showing Abraham’s loyalty & obedience to God.  Chapter 23 ends with Sarah dying so I shall pick back up with Rebekah & Isaac.  This book might be 5 separate parts since I am reading in small sections.  I got one of my books in the mail for my class.  It’s called Not The Way It’s Supposed To Be – A Breviary of Sin.  I flipped through the pages but have no idea what it’s actually about.  I’ll try reading it although it looks to be waaaaaay over my head but it’s a required reading for this intro class on sin & salvation.  Ugh!  Aight….hasta luego folks.


December 27, 2009 Posted by | God | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

2nd Genesis

I have read from chapter 6.5 and stopped at chapter 12 which is about to discuss the Call of Abram.  What usually takes 5 minutes to read in a regular book takes quite a bit of effort to get through in the Bible.  My eyes instantly start to feel tired and I have to concentrate like I’m in chemistry lab about to make something combust and not burn the entire east side of campus down with it.  Anywho, Noah builds the infamous ark and takes his wife, his sons, and his sons’ wives along with a pair (male & female) of every animal that has life under the Heavens.  But then after God told Noah to take a pair he said take seven of clean animals, then a pair of unclean animals, etc.  What’s clean and what’s unclean?  What is seven?  That’s an odd number so it can’t be a pair of anything unless, like my study Bible said, it means 7 pairs of this group of animal(s).  Interesting.  Then, what I find truly amazing is how the author of this book (allegedly it’s Moses) went into painstakingly detail as far as how big this ark is to be (in feet), the time frame (dates) God opened up the Heavens to rain down on earth, how many inches the water rose on earth, how long (in days & mths) the waters covered the earth, even documenting the day it started to rain (seventeenth day of the second month), when the waters began to recede, where the ark settled until the earth was truly dry, what bird(s) Noah set free to report back with an analysis of the earth’s condition, whether that bird came back, and other data just for this event but no one can tell me what the hell happened to Cain?!  This is the most documented event in the Bible thus far!!  Way to go Moses!!  We can tell where you really cared about details and where you just went all cliff notes on us.  After the earth was deemed dry, Noah let everyone off the ark and be sent up a burnt offering of some of the clean animals and birds.  If these are the only pairs remaining on earth, did he just completely wipe out a species for a burnt offering??  Another thing I found interesting was that God promised to never curse the ground “because of man even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood”….then why let us roam again?  I’m not saying I’m ungrateful but why keep a cancerous breast if you know, eventually, it shall bring you pain amongst other things? 

Another thing, do not eat of any meat that has lifeblood in it?  I don’t have any clue where to begin on that one so I just kept reading.  This is followed by “Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed; for in the image of God has God made man.”  So it’s ok to kill a man if he has killed someone else?  It’s foreshadowing his death anyways and it’s like expected based on this understanding.  Then I start to read about a bunch of names of a bunch of kids and who their fathers are and blah blah blah.  I’m sure this will come in handy eventually so I skim trying to catch the famous ones I’ve heard about before.  Canaan.  A point of misinterpretation and misunderstanding.  Why is it bad to see your dad with his family jewels out?!  I don’t get that part but, since Ham didn’t cover him up, Ham’s son Canaan is cursed?  Talk about harsh!  Now this is supposed to be a reason to justify slavery for the African region of the world since, according to factual evidence found somewhere I hope, Canaan’s descendants were eventually scattered to the Mesopotamia/Asia & to Africa.  Canaan shall be the slave of Shem & Japheth.  Yeah, I can see how that can mean “and so shall all of those people who might have been direct descendants of Canaan in Africa”.  Totally understandable! 

My study Bible had the word exegete in its footnotes to explain how Exegetes tried to reconcile the curse on Canaan instead of Ham or by solving the problem by removing apart of the verse altogether.  I tried yet again to get a definition for exegete and this is what the freakin dictionary said “one who practices exegesis or is an expert in exegesis”…..why do they do this to me???????  So, I looked up exegesis which says “is a critical explanation or interpretation of a text esp a religious text”.  Ok, so that in no way explains how an exegete can give themselves the power to undo or do away with a curse they had no hand in issuing.  So, to explain it you want to omit 4 words from a verse OR reconcile the curse.  Can you reconcile a curse?!  Most people find it hard to reconcile accounting records but you are going to reconcile something that has no written, visible, or physical nature at all….interesting.  Maybe I am misunderstanding this part but it seems fishy and we haven’t gotten to the important stuff yet.  Y’all wanna switch stuff up because of some fool named Canaan so how tempting would it be for that guy named Jesus?  I have a friend on Facebook whose calls his self (and that is probably his title at church) a exegete.  I wonder what he actually does.  Probably won’t ask though.

Then God scattered folks so they could never collaborate and try to build a tower up to Heaven or do anything else mischievous.  I’m sure that backfired big time over the centuries but I’m just guessing.  I left off as Moses was about to tell the intriguing story of Abram.  So, did Abram’s brother Nahor really marry his own niece?  It said Abram, Nahor, and Haran were all brothers.  Abram’s wife was Sarai, and Nahor’s wife was Milcah; Milcah is Haran’s daughter; Haran is Nahor’s brother.  Is that true?  Nasty?  What they did back in the day?  I guess.  I shall finish reading about Abram later and all the fantastic things he sets out to do.  Oh, so since God did away with man during the flood, why didn’t that wipe out original sin?  If we are starting over why we gotta pay for their mistakes after their descendants were killed?  New covenant with Noah and his descendants should be a new covenant, right?  All just questions dancing around in my little head. 

December 18, 2009 Posted by | Christian | , , , , , | 4 Comments

1st Genesis

So last night I was listening to music, watching something on TV, and surfing the web for boots when I thought about reading the Bible.  Random….trust me, I know.  In the back of my study Bible, like most study Bibles, they have a Read the Bible in 365 Days outline but I never thought to do that because a) I have a short attention span and get bored easily, b) anything that takes a yr to read is doing too much, and c) I just never thought to actually do it.  I grabbed my study Bible and started at page one and almost fell asleep on all the “and it was good” comments while God was making the world as we know it.  I get it….it was all good!  Then I got to Adam & Eve and that’s when the questions started.  In my Bible, it says God told Adam not to eat from the Tree prior to making Eve so is that true?  Maybe Adam mixed the information up and told Eve something totally different.  You know those exercises where someone whispers something in your ear and that message is passed around the circle back to the original person and it’s nothing at all what that person initially said?  Yeah, maybe it was like that which is bad because it was only from God to another person but we all know how God-related things change drastically in the hands (or control) of man.  Then I got to Cain & Abel and wondered why God didn’t just praise them both for their offerings instead of being blatantly favored by one’s gift…..all parents know not to do that.  Then it said that God marked Cain so that no one would kill him and it goes into his lineage but never says when Cain actually died.  The next chapter mentions Adam’s direct lineage and, again, there’s no mention of Cain.  Did Cain just vaporize into thin air?  But it did say Cain laid with his wife….where did this wife come from?  Thin air?  There are only 3 people on earth at this time so where did this woman come from?  I’m assuming Lamech is the founding father of polygamous relationships since, of all the men listed with their sons, he had to have 2 wives and break tradition.  Greedy bastard!  Then Enoch walked with God and was no more because God took him away.  I stopped there and was like, “Why God take him and not all the other ones who seemed to live long enough to rep 7 centuries?”  I assume that “walked with God” means he followed his commandments and was a good lil fellow so much so that God thought to keep him from experiencing death.  Interesting esp since the next chapter begins to talk about how God was disappointed in his creation (man) and wanted a do-over by way of a flood and here comes Noah.  I stopped at the “account of Noah” which is chapter 6.5 because I was getting tired and still had to shower.  The book of Genesis opens stating who the author is: Moses.  How?  Who told him all this so that he could document it accurately?  We already know how info changes over the years, from ear to ear, or from person A to person B so I don’t know.  Maybe I will find the answer to that question as I continue reading but these are just questions I wondered as I read….not questions I’m asking time to stand still for until I get my answers.  Anywho, I’ll be back later….likely manana

*Sidenote: I looked up polygamous in the dictionary to make sure I was using the correct word and I almost threw it against the wall!  Don’t you just hate when the dictionary attempts to define a word by using a tense of the word itself in its own definition?  You can’t do that!  That’s like looking up happiness and the dictionary saying “it’s a state of being happy”….that’s not a definition!!!

December 17, 2009 Posted by | Christian | , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Old Testament Game

Have you ever had a moment when you look around and realize that things you once cared about no longer matter?  Not that they are not important or insignificant but that your priorities have shifted and you can’t tell yourself when much less why because you have no clue!  I would say that the worst decision I have ever made in life was to bring life into this world.  Why?  Because the power of these two creatures to tear me down, make me worry, and scare me to death for their safety in a world where no one is safe is paradoxically insane and futile.  When I think about my kids I wonder what else is out there.  Is this it?  I know I think too much but I think I’m going somewhere with this….just not sure where.  You know how we sometimes yell at the television and tell that crazy lady not to go into the room after she says, “I wonder what that noise is”?  You scream and tell her not to go and you wonder why it always seems to be the white people who always gotta go check things out instead of erring on the side of caution and getting the hell outta dodge.  I feel like I want to walk and see what the hell that is.  Call me white!  Having kids changes your life.  Among all the obvious things it changes in your life, you begin to see the world differently.  Recently, I began to see some things differently not because I just had a baby but because I am wondering as my kids get older what I will tell them about God.  Who is He?  What is He about?  How are we to live?  How do I get them to understand what was never explained to me as a child?  How do I get them to relate to instead of being forced fed something that’s incomprehensible and unimaginable to them?  How do I explain what, at times, I don’t really understand?  It’s probably not as complicated as I’m making it seem but let’s just assume I have a child like myself who refuses to believe those “called” and instead wishes to find the truth out for themselves.

When I was little I questioned everything.  I didn’t out loud because I knew a belt was always somewhere close by but I questioned authority from the time I could remember.  If it didn’t make sense then “because I said so” wasn’t going to cut it.  I was raised to believe in what my parents and their parents believed.  I wasn’t encouraged to think for myself but I was dealt a life where every adult around me messed up and messed up big time to the point where they lost credibility and showed me certain people don’t have to be accountable for their actions.  So, in all this, where does God fit in?  Faith was too fluid a concept and much like grains of sand in my hand for my to understand it then and even now in how it’s often presented.  Faith, I was told, is the substance of things hoped for and the essence of things not seen.  Hope?  Is that an action word?  If so, from who or what are we waiting to receive action from or what or who are we sending this action to?  If I can’t see it does it exist?  In my head….nope.  I was told that God created me so the way I think must allow for some if not all of it to some in a nice package with my name on it so I can comprehend it and explain it as only I have grown to understand it.

I know what I believe and it’s only what I believe because of what I have seen and physically felt.  I asked God because my mind can’t wrap itself around certain concepts and digest it….so I ask.  If I was to write a book about spirituality it would likely be called Christianity for Intellects (not dummies) or The Devil’s Little Advocate only because I find it insatiably orgasmic (bad wrong to use but that’s all I could think of) to go into anything Christian related ready to tear it down to its core, ready to argument anything standing on 0.5 legs, and looking to fill each and every gaping hole because that’s what people with minds do.  They nick pick and scrutinize and analyse leaving no rock uncovered and laughing when the other person scrambles for an explanation and slaps a “just have faith” onto it.  The best defense is to have a good offense.  If I can tear down my own religion, uncover the holes, possibly even pointing out other equally huge holes in other religions, and make it a convincing myth to myself then I have the power and know-how to make it convincingly true to others because I have uncovered my weaknesses and built them up (factually) with evidence that “just have faith” will marvel at.

I was told that the world is dying, that people need to be saved, and that Jesus is coming back soon.  I watched the movie 2012 and wondered how the Mayans could possibly end their calendars on 12/21/10 and just say that the world will reset or start all over again.  I thought it ironic that, in the movie, the “do over” occurs in Africa.  But I wondered several things: if religion has no part in it and life is as we live it in which we die and become one with the earth then we shall eventually die out, run out of natural resources, exhaust all possible lab engineered replacements, and die off like most other species because nothing continues to exist indefinitely and nothing has proven to survive without depleting resources as it expands.  Then what is life for?  Why not check out now?  Religion justifies our existence so we don’t give up and committed suicide at the notion that this is all for nothing.  If it’s apart of a plan….whose plan is it?  I have an idea.  Maybe I will write a book.  Problem is I don’t think anyone will read it and I doubt I can collect my thoughts long enough to prove a point although I have quite a few.  If my sons asked me right now “mommy, who is Jesus?” what will I say?  The best answer is for them to experience it for themselves.  If ever there was a wish I’ve utter more times than I probably admit it’s that God would play Old Testament again.  If ever there was a time for people to see instead of being told from old stories translated beyond authenticity and tattered with age then it is now.  If there was ever a time for a staff, a Red Sea, and a Moses it is now.  If there was ever a time for a road called Damascus and a bush to burn in the presence of every scientific mind there is just to prove its nothing but a miracle….that time is now.  I don’t ask God for anything more than a visible miracle because word of mouth can only save so many.  He got disciples to give their lives for something they actually saw or heard about within their own lifetime….it’s time to play Old Testament again.  I am jealous they had Jesus back then because I am not content with just having the Bible.  It’s not enough anymore.  People are dying and they need more than a Bible full of questions….they need someone sent to save them who will show them visible proof.  I know what you’re thinking, “they didn’t believe them then so why would they now?!”  It’s better than what we currently have and that’s close to nothing and too many false prophets.  Only God can save us….and I mean that literally.  I’ll wait and see what He decides to do.

December 16, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lost Sheep?

little_sheep_by_averageeMy life as a whole has been fine which is probably why I spent more time reading than writing blogs.  I absolutely enjoy reading other people’s blogs, what’s going on in their lives, how they feel about current events, and their little rants so much so that I forget I even have this site.  When I do write it’s about mundane things that I just think is cute to post which is probably a waste of time but I do it anyways.  This is all to say that my life, at this point, is so regular that I have nothing pressing to vent about.  Kids, work, aspirations, running, bills, government, relationships, etc.  Well, I missed church last week because my son had a cold and it was recommended you stay home if someone in your family is sick.  Would have been a good reason if he hadn’t woke up the next day feeling fine.  I stayed home anyways.  I missed the last 2 Saturday morning prayer lines because I just lost the passion to prayer collectively.  I’m speaking honestly here no matter how it may damage the sweet Christian ears and/or entice you to pour holy water onto your monitor.  I lost my passion a long time ago and I thought I’d get it back.  For some time I wondered what happened to me.  I tried to force it but, in the end, people soon realized my heart wasn’t in it anymore.  You get what you put into it….I know that.  I didn’t want to be at church anymore. 

I’d get this feeling every time I’d approach the steps while I talked to myself saying, “it’ll be ok”.  I’d leave the church smiling but wanting to never turn back thinking I’d turn into a pillar of salt.  I talked to a Rev at my church and she was quite honest with me while at the same time saying she wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings.  If only she knew she was doing anything but that.  She said I had a spirit of insecurity that I needed to ask God to heal me of.  She said I needed to focus on my own salvation and come to church to get “fed”.  When I told her I haven’t been “fed” in some time she asked about the sermons.  I told her they are ok but that’s about it….my heart is not there.  Nothing against anyone preaching but my heart is not there.  I sit there, I tolerate it, I register for the classes just to never finished them, I start off good with every intention to finish but I lose interest and wonder if I ever had it.  She said the devil is trying to get to me and use the power of division in the church.  I don’t know what the overall church has to do with anything but I’m not trying to divide anything.  I explained that I was only present because, as secretary, I am required to be.  Earlier this year when I re-joined the church, it was made clear to me that I must attend every Sunday service, every prayer line, and Sunday school class if I couldn’t make Bible Study in order to keep my post.  I hardly remained consistent with either of the three.

I told her that my main passion was the ministry.  The books we read, the discussions we have, the fellowship with the other ladies, the times we talk & spend outside the church, the mission of the ministry in itself….that’s the only reason I stayed.  If we could just make that “church” in itself then I’d be set!  The church itself can fall off the face of the earth.  She said the Holy Spirit told her to suggest the same President and Vice President to run for next yr’s leadership over the ministry but the Holy Spirit did not mention my name.  She explained that she was not trying to hurt my feelings but I don’t know why she think this would as if I should start to cry.  I have cried more times because I have wanted to flee the church.  I have cried more times being in the church.  I don’t know why but I did tell her I will not return.  A part of me feel I should finish out the year, a part of me feel like I should finish out my Sunday school class, a part of me feel like dancing because I’m happy that the Holy Spirit did not mention my name forcing me to be there because He spoke to her instead of to me.  She said she’d pray for me, that maybe something in my personal life has steered me off course (wth?!), or that I am too sensitive and need to get stronger in the Lord.  I know me and I know when she finally told me she wouldn’t encourage me to stay it felt like a heavy weight off my shoulders.

It can be seen as a bad thing because leaving church to some is the same as leaving God.  I explained to another minister yesterday how, when I left the first time, I was more disciplined and read my Bible more and spent alone time with the Holy Spirit but when I returned to church after so many people called to tell me why I should return….I wished I could spit with another force to hit God in the face.  I was angry.  A lot.  Away from church I was fine.  In church…doing something church related…it took convincing on my part to get me to calm down and go.  I’d miss every single Sunday but show up to Prayer Ministry meetings faithfully because I was eager to see what we’d discuss today.  Maybe the devil is having a field day with me.  Maybe my spirit and my heart dies inside because that’s a sign that I’m misinterpreting.  Maybe I am weak because I continue to listen to people instead of following what I feel.  Maybe I am truly a lost sheep in need of prayer.  Maybe leaving the church is a bad thing.  Maybe saying I’ll take some time away will sound better.  Maybe I should love Sunday mornings as much as I do Saturday morning Prayer meetings.  Maybe I should ignore the sick feeling I get when I see the building.  Maybe I should force myself to stay cuase I’ll be prone to attack outside the “arc of safety”.  Maybe I am insecure and need to grow stronger.  Maybe this is what God planned and leaving the church is the first step in the right direction.  That’s a chance I’m willing to take as I think to myself, “nothing in my personal life has led me astray, my heart is not hardened, my soul is not crying out for help, and my faith is not weak. I’m just not feeling right where I am and I know what I feel.  The same feeling I have always felt and have always followed.  Babe in Christ or not…I’m out”

She has always said that this Christian walk is an individual thing.  It’s funny how people try to be your shepard and direct you themselves with guilt blinding you in the eyes.  Let me think for myself.  Leave me to pray about it myself.  Let me hear from God because, in the end, I can’t say “Sister Jenkins suggested I blah blah blah”….I will be held accountable so let me make my own decision and simply wish me well.  Being lost can be scary as heck sometimes but, for some reason, being lost right now is the best feeling I’ve felt in a long time!  I may wanan delete that statement later but, for now, I’ll roll with it and live my life knowing I’ll probably make a mistake or two along the way.

November 2, 2009 Posted by | Life, Uncategorized | , , | 7 Comments

Waiting for Time

I_Want_My_Time_Back_by_GrimarchangelSometimes I wonder things and I never seem to get an answer so I get frustrated and I just stop.  I stop.  I carry on with work, the kids, studying, and any thing else I must do but other times I just stop and keep to myself closing myself off from the world till I feel or know that I know my next course of action.  Or, I stop long enough to calm me down before me does something stupid that me won’t be able to convince a jury of because me has blood all over her hands and me is sitting there looking stupid so what me does is sit and wait and be patient because I heard patience is a virtue but, even if it’s not, patience gives me time to get some control over me so I can remember how to hold my tongue and stop my thoughts and silence my words and just watch the salt drain from the glass ever so slowly wondering when it will be my time.  My ex husband.  The apple of my freakin eye.  The love of my life.  The axis to my earth.  The core of my being.  The sugar in my tea.  The worm in my apple.  The burden of my life.  The meteor on a crash course with my earth.  The heartache of my being.  The anthrax in my tea.  My ex.  He is about 8 weeks behind in child support.  I’ve been patient while he found a job but I must admit I suffer from a known condition that I have yet to find a prescription for: thinking people will just do what’s right.  I don’t know how I caught this.  Maybe it’s because I tend to be overly optimistic, believing people are good-hearted in general, or just not wanting to think someone would actually ask me to bend over so I can take it up the azz.  Maybe it’s my fault.

Well, he has had a difficult time getting child support arranged to come from his check so, after a week or two with no response from him, I called my attorney.  Order is in and ready to be exercised.  Then he emails me to say he has $250 to give to me for the kids.  Email.  I have a cell phone and work phone but for some reason he chooses to only communicate through email.  I call him.  No call back.  I send an email.  No reply till a week later when he tells me he doesn’t know how to get the money to me.  Here is where I laugh so hard I grab a gun and accidently discharge it hoping the bullet travels to Indianapolis and finds him where ever he may be.  You have money but can’t seem to figure out how to get it to me because, afterall, I am in a remote location without access to technology in ANY form completely cut off from society left to my own means so, yes, I can see how this can be a difficult task for you.  I understand completely.  So, I give him my attorney’s phone number and the website to the child support office which states that this FREE site is for the payment of child support.  Days later….I don’t hear from him at all.  I don’t even sweat it because, after a decade, his behavior no longer surprises me.  What does surprise me?  The lack of growth.  Of change.  Of evolution.  Of time because time tends to make this better with age.  Time usually brings about evolution.  Time changes things and people or so I thought.  Not expecting overnight anything.  Just a sliver of something.  He has yet to find a way to get the $250 to me so now I think I should move from Chicago to, I don’t know, a place not even on the map yet, because Chicago is waaaaay too desolate being one of the biggest cities in the USA and all that so there’s no way in hell to get money to someone from a mere 4 hours away.  How absurd!

I check the automated system to see if a payment has been sent and he failed to tell me.  Nope.  Last payment was July 2009.  Yep.  July.  It’s October.  Thank God I am doing fine on my own with the income I have because….well, I think we all know.  But that’s not the icing on the cake.  The sprinkles on the ice cream cone.  The peanut butter on the cracker.  Or, the jelly on the toast.  This nigga right here (I can call him a nigga because I have a black card) had the audacity to update his status on Facebook to take a poll of whether he should buy this Gateway notebook he’s standing in Best Buy looking at right at this very moment or the iPhone.  Hmmm….decisions decisions decisions.  Laptop or iPhone.  Laptop or iPhone.  Laptop or iPhone.  Laptop or iPhone.  I have a laptop.  A Dell laptop.  I use it to work from home.  I also use it to study.  And, I use it to write blogs, watch YouTube, read other blogs, surf the web, talk to friends, and waste a boatload of time.  But, the main purpose I bought it was because the computer my company gave me got a virus (probably my fault) so I bought a laptop so I won’t be responsible for messing up someone else’s anything.  Maybe that’s a stupid reason to buy one because who needs a reason to spend hundreds of dollars on something they do not need but would rather just have?  Who does that??  Not a student in anyone’s school.  Don’t have a work from home anything.  And, study….study what?!  So, here I am spending money on a laptop to actually use it for income….silly silly lil girl I am.  Someone smack me!  Of course I understand how difficult of a decision that must be to choose between a laptop and an iPhone when your ex-wife isn’t getting child support for your 2 kids.  I can see the dilemma. 

Well, I don’t know what he eventually choose if he choose anything at all but the sheer fact that he found his way to Best Buy to stand there and play with a laptop and contemplate an iPhone when he can barely keep his pre-paid phone is beyond me.  Waaaay beyond me!  So far beyond it’s probably off in the nowhere along with Chicago….where the President spent a good portion of his career….where they make the best deep dish pizza….where we got laughed at around the world for our Summer Olympics bid.  But, you know, Chicago is still soooo hard to send money to.  Ahh, the anger.  The heat raising up my neck as I read his status update.  My fingers clicking on another link just to go back to his page because I was sure my eyes were losing their vision.  The speechless moment I had reading people’s responses.  The advice from some friends telling me I should have commented that child support would be better use of the excess cash flow he’s suffering from right now.  But, I didn’t.  I’m waiting for my time.  As the salt drains ever so slowly from this freakin glass in front of me (that’s not me in the picture….I’ve never had blonde hair) I sit and patiently wait for him to fall back on his azz.  I’m not wishing bad on him.  I just want God to get vengeance for me.  Just like I heard that patience is a virtue and what goes around comes around and something about karma….I also heard God say vengeance was His.  So, I practice patience and I sit and wait too pissed to even talk about it other than type it because this is actually a release for me.  Laptop or iPhone….I hope either one short circuits and electrocute his azz.  Ok, I’m done being mean.

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

What Is Devout?

Is_it_only_devotion__by_aldreiOne day, a friend I work with asked how my dating life was coming along and if I was seeing anyone new.  We often update each other on our personal lives when we have a chance which isn’t often since most of his time is spent outside the office traveling or working from home.  Well, I told him I was dating this one guy and he asked me those basic questions like what does he do for a living, does he have kids, how old is he, is he a Christian, etc.  My friend is also a Christian but we have had our share of disagreements because he, in my opinion, can be quite republican in his religious views.  I say that to mean, he can be close-minded, judgemental, excessively critical, by-the-book, and suffer from a superiority complex from time to time (now who’s judging who?!).  The funny thing is that we disagree more on doctrine than our shared faith….another topic altogether.  Anywho, so I gave him the scoop but, in my response to the last question, I replied that the guy I’m seeing is a devout Christian.  My friend smiled eagerly and said, “really? is he abstaining from sex too?”  My friend has been celibate since he “gave his life to Christ” but when I frowned and answered “no” to his question, he shook his head and asked, “then how can you say he’s devout?!”  Hmmm.  I mutter “I don’t know” because we clearly had different views of the word devout and I needed time to simmer on it before I answered. 

This is what I concluded after my simmer: devout, by definition, means to adhere strongly and completely to something (normally a religious belief) and to sustain that devotion indefinitely.  That’s a paraphrased definition I got from dictionary.com which did not mention how this devotion is measured or quantified….it simply defined it.  In my opinion, the Bible clearly tells me how my devotion is measured as it relates to Christainity….by my faith.  That is the determining factor and that is all that pleases God.  People around me can only guess at best how strong and devout I am in my Christian faith by how I stand on my faith which is most tested during difficult times.  When I mentioned how devout the guy I’m dating is, I was speaking of his faith in Christ because I know all he has been through, I know the moments he’s almost turned his back on God, and I know the moments that have strengthened him.  I wasn’t using his actions or behavior as a ruler to judge how devout he was.  It was instinctive of me to say he’s devout because he has believed when others have honestly given up, he has believed when others have cursed God, and he has searched the Bible and prayed fervently during those hard times when he forgot what to believe.  Yes, I know what things he did that made God frown (some of those things we did together if you wanna keep it real) however I know where he stands and I know on what we all need to stand on and that’s faith.  Actions have never been a determining factor or cause to exclude someone or discredit their beliefs….I hear it all the time when preachers say God can use anyone even the crackhead standing on the corner or the whore down the street.  I read or hear about the many in the Bible who were used by God but had some questionable behaviors that were in direct contradiction to their purpose.   But maybe, just maybe, their purpose and less than squeaky clean lifestyle go hand in hand.  I think I’m getting off subject….

As I stated earlier, I often disagree with my friend and we fall out over it but I still hold my ground.  Not everyone believes your doctrine and follows it.  Not everyone believes that actions, good behaviors, and following the 10 commandments til death will get you into Heaven.  I am one of those because if this faith was based on good actions and behaviors alone I wouldn’t have a chance in hell!  Well, actually I would if you put it that way.  The way he frowned up at my “devout” statement was as if I used the Lord’s name in vain or something.  I am not excusing any sinful behaviors….let’s make that clear here.  Nor am I saying it’s ok to do A, B, C, and D as long as you can move that mountain over there just by commanding it by faith.  All I’m saying is that I have yet to read any where that says a person can please God with actions alone, good works alone, or doing anything that is clearly obvious from the outside.  And (in my opinion) faith is the cornerstone, foundation, soil, fertilizer, carbs, protein, basis, predecessor, catalyst for a necessary internal reaction to even begin to generate an external change (again, in my opinion only).  I still believe the guy I was dating is devout. It just wasn’t until this moment that I realized that “devout” may have different definitions, meanings, gauges, and rules of what does and does not apply but it has also further reiterated how man continues to choke the Christ out of humanity with all these stipulations.  Sometimes blood, sweat, and salty tears to remain strong in your belief best defines your faith more than a list of check marks for every rule and commandment you successfully followed.  And, wavering faith is said to be a bad thing but I’d prefer wavering faith as opposed to no faith at all…if it’s wavering then it at least exists with the potential to become rooted.  You can’t strengthen something that’s not there.  Again, in my opinion only.

September 20, 2009 Posted by | Christian, God | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ignorant Bliss

Here_by_GingerRoseI went school shopping this weekend and one thing led to another, something was said, then it got me to thinking, and I ended up here…..maybe ignorance is bliss.  My oldest struggles with math.  Trust me, it irritates me to no end because my insides want to scream when I try to explain something that is so basic it should require no explaining.  It just is.  Get it.  Grasp it.  Understand it.  His problem?  He works through the problems too fast and he miscounts in this hurry to get homework over with.  Not a big issue when I look at the overall picture though.  My baby sister is moving out south.  Yes, she’s breaking the code of honor which clearly states that no Chi Westsider shall EVER permanently dwell on the southside….we are calling a meeting to revoke her Westside card.  Anywho, she mentioned that she will have the kids for a weekend prb every so often and take them to DuSable Museum since it’s close to her new apartment.  For those that don’t know, DuSable Museum is dedicated to African-American history.  I have never been to the museum unless I was so young I don’t remember but I assume it covers our history from slavery til now with the Obama era.  I don’t want my kids to go but I didn’t know how to tell my sis that because I barely understood the reason myself.  I have my reason and I will try to explain it here.

My theory is this: if someone does not know there is a force out there, rather major or minor, then they can never accuse that force or be victim to that force they don’t know exists.  Right?  If I never knew the sun radiated heat could I blame it for making me hot?  I’d blame other factors such as too many people in this room generating body heat, my wearing too many clothes, the earth’s core heating too fast or too much, or whatever else since the sun is not a possible factor because all I know is that it gives light.  If my kids never know about racism and this “blame the white man syndrome” then maybe they will never blame their failures on the “white man” or use racism (whether evidenced or not) for a reason why they are not prosperous in life.  I understand the notion of knowing where you came to know where you are to go or how ever it’s said, but I believe black men have a crutch sometimes esp when it comes to blaming others for their mishaps.  Racism exists.  Does it have power over us?  The difference here lies in one’s faith too.  Some argue that ignorance is not bliss but can do more damage than good.  God never told Adam & Eve they were naked.  He specifically told them not to eat from the tree that would make them aware of their situation knowing it will cause them unnecessary worry and place more on them than they needed since He was in control of everything and once they knew too much they would forget He was in control and start acting plum fools….exhibit A is found in Genesis.  I don’t know all the details and scientific, biblical, and other facts found in some big million page book…..all I know is this supports my theory.  God knew their ignorance would be a protection for them instead of a crutch.  They didn’t even know who Satan was and, to have explained that to Adam & Eve, would have opened a can of worms too.  All he said was don’t eat from that tree. 

Back to the sun notion, if we never knew Satan existed would we blame him still for everything?  Get thee behind me Satan.  I send Satan back to hell from whence he come.  I curse Satan at his roots and all his angels.  Satan is the cause for this.  Satan has stirred this up.  Satan is the reason for my pain, my hurt, my dispair, my everything I struggle with….blame it on Satan.  What if we didn’t know Satan existed?  If all we knew was God and good?  Well, for starters, we wouldn’t be living with the Eve curse but….besides that….a lot would be different.  The way we think.  The way we process things.  The way we live.  We’d trust God more because we’d know no one else exists to yank our chains and confuse us.  We’d probably be more obedient because there is no scapegoat to blame our sins on…I have done this many times.  “Naw, it was Satan who made me do it.  He know I have a weakness for tall dark brothas and here this fool come walking up to me looking all good and smelling so right!  Satan put those thoughts in my head, he made me feel those desires, and that’s how it happened.  No fault of my own!”  If I didn’t know about Satan I’d probably think I need more discipline, I am weak, I need to get closer to God, not put myself in situations & places that are tempting, I need to pray more, I need to study the Bible more, I need to put on my armor, etc……”I” and God.  Of course the only counter argument here (know where & what the holes are in your argument) is Job.  He knew that Satan exists along with his schemes but Job was a smart man who still trusted God.  Not a single person from his clique blamed Satan, they blamed God because they all knew Satan can’t do shyt without God’s ok.

Someone may argue that my sons must know about racism so they can prepare for the real world when they enter it.  I know that part and I understand it but I don’t agree with it totally.  I agree that we all need to know what we’re getting into before we get somewhere so we know how to navigate but part of the problem is we think too much.  Yes, I just typed that…ring the alarm.  We think too much.  We try to process things on our own.  When we gain knowledge we forget about pertinent things such as Satan has rights and does nothing without God’s permission, we don’t need to fear racism or the alleged power of the “white man”, circumstances and shyt happens for a reason and no one knows that reason but God, and in the beginning He was all they needed so in the end He’s all we need.  A small (understatement) part of the reason is because I don’t know how to explain the “why” questions that may come from my oldest.  My youngest will likely look and not understand but he may carry a mental image of something I don’t want him to see.  My oldest will ask questions, interrogate, analyze, and question my “mom” answer until he is satisfied.  If I say this happened because they hated us then he will think “they” still do hate us which is not the focus when the focus should be “so what!”  The fear of lynchings, bombings, police dogs, fire hoses, draggings, rapes, auctions, beatings, mutilations, and now the current issues with our people such as complexion hatred or jealousy, good & bad hair, talking white, acting white, Bill Cosby alliance, and uppity Uncle Tom Negros….it’s too much and I don’t know when they will be ready to know all this.  Maybe when they start dating lil fast chicks at age 30….then they will be ready.  Until then, don’t eat from that freakin tree….God said so.  Not really a lie. (White girl in pic has no hidden meaning. I didn’t put her there….Satan did)

August 24, 2009 Posted by | Life, Spiritual | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

It Don’t Take All That

god_bless_america_by_virgil2410Usually, I read quite a few blogs every week and, from time to time, I will search through their blogrolls to see who they read on a regular basis.  Well I came across this blog about Tithing that presented some interesting views on tithing.  When I attended church regularly I tithed often.  If I didn’t have it this week then I gave it the following week (or pay period) with the extra I was short.  Yes, the church kept track of who gave and what they gave but I did it more so because the Bible instructs us Christians to give in support to the church and its efforts.  This is where my opinions come in – does it take all that though?!  You know how church folk see someone else getting “happy”, running up and down aisles, screaming and shouting, and doing the two step they think and say to themselves (or the person next to them) “it don’t take all that!”  Well, that is my point on churches and how they operate – it don’t take all that!

Now, I am no expert in the area of finance, budgeting, operating overhead, or even focusing on “the bottom line” but I no think some things that the church are necessary.  Why do we need such fancy pews, pulpit chairs, choir stands, etc?  Do we need to have all these programs going at the same time?  Remember when the most colorful thing in the church was the colored stoned glass windows of the church?  Or the figure of Christ hanging on the cross?  And maybe the choir robes?  The preachers now look like pimps that, when they walk into the pulpit, you half expect to see their hos following behind them.  The deacons dress like Crayola spit up on them right when they got dressed this morning in the most neon colored three pieces they can find.  Oh, don’t let it be a special day at church…not Easter or Christmas or Passover….someone’s anniversary!  Then they all color coordinated with matching ties, handkerchiefs, and maybe even cuff links.  Does God have a camera?  Man, y’all showed up looking fly for…..man.

Let’s not forget the notorious Caddy the pulpimps drove.  But wait, they need those cars, with their grown adult out-of-the-house kids.  It’s a requirement.  Ok – I get it.  My suggestions? Number one, cut down the number of musicians and maybe just maybe get some people who will play for God for free or for a small stipend…is that asking too much to do something for God?  Number two, why so many ministries esp when the same people are in all the ministries each with it’s own dues so you are, in essence, collecting from the same people at least five times a month not including Sunday morning tithes.  Number three, can we consolidate the times the church is “open”?  If the choir, the dance team, the deacons, the teachers, and the kids all have meeting times why don’t we consolidate it to one or two days outside of Sunday morning so that the electricity & gas bills aren’t ridiculously expensive for no real reason at all.  Number four, church need a new vehicle?  Church has a vehicle – the pastor’s car.  He is at the church all the time anyways – let your flock use the buggy God has blessed you with.  No?  Number five, I just do’t agree with having overly extravagant celebrations for man that require at least three days to honor him when we only give God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit their days and their days only each year.  Do we celebrate Easter for an entire week?  Christmas?  Why celebrate this man whom God called to do His work for almost a full week AND ask those same people whom have paid out money five time already for dues plus tithes to pay an anniversary fee.  For what?!

I was told that the monies raised go to helping run the church, pay people’s salaries, keep the lights on, and keep the doors open.  Again, it don’t take all that!  Heat on in the winter and the bodies coming in will add some heat to that.  Downsize the church and pack them suckas in like sardines and you’d think it’s July inside while the snow falls outside.  Air in the summer and pass out some fans.  Still hot?  Well, give a Proper Clothing class for folks so we can wear spaghetti straps, sundresses, and other light clothing without giving Deacon Johnson a heartache.  Make due.  Our people have been in hotter situations….don’t tell me you can’t turn the air down tad bit to save money.  Use those ole skool regular wooden benches and pews and let people bring them own seat cushion if they want to like this is a baseball stadium.  Why not?  BYOC….bring your own cushion.  Let the choirs sing and let them wear robes but all this other stuff – let’s focus on Christian training. 

Yipppee you can mime, dance, step it out, and juke it down to the latest Gospel song – do you know what scripture that song was referencing?  Are we entertaining people or God?  Does God really care about white faced kids in suspenders?  Why we keep adding extra stuff to make worship trendy?  It just don’t take all that.  I don’t think God cares too much for it all.  And, if we were a tad bit smarty about the funds churches collect then maybe we won’t have to give guilt-wrenching speeches from the pulpit about give, give, give while we throw it out the window.  Black folks sho’ can get they hustle on but you on the grind for the right kinda bling.  Crown of life – not rims of chrome.  House of God – not House of Bishop Lawrence.  Give to the poor – not give to those are here just to get a check.  Use the money for what it was intended – use it to spread the Gospel – help the needy – tend to God’s flock.

August 22, 2009 Posted by | Christian, God | , , , | 2 Comments


Sunflower%20%20WEBI went to a farmers market in Oak Park, IL and bought the cutest & biggest sunflower.  It’s gorgeous.  I have it sitting in my living room window right next to me in a water bottle because I don’t have a vase.  It’s gorgeous.  I saw some people walking down the street with several in their hands and I exclaimed loudly like a kid, “I want one of those!”  So I went to get one.  This was yesterday.  Friday I was on the train talking on the phone to a soror of mine.  Her boyfriend’s birthday was coming up so she was going over what she had already bought him, what she was still going to buy him, and I was helping her out via phone with a carwash package when I felt my heart flutter.  Not a little flutter like a baby’s movements in womb (for those who have been pregnant), it was a hard thud in my chest that jarred my attention from the conversation.  Immediately two things happened, my body forced me to cough hard, and my right arm had this pins & needles feeling for the next hour.  The thud, involuntary cough, and tingly were within split seconds of each other and I immediately thought about the Stroke bulletin hanging in the break room at my office.  Coughing is supposed to be good for the heart.  To restart it or “jump” it like a car battery.  Since my body forced me to cough then I assumed it was something related to a stroke but I am 28 yrs old and a runner….it’s kinda unlikely.  Fast forward, my visit to the ER produced a normal EKG, blood & urine work, negative blood clot test, and a normal chest x-ray.  The only thing weird was an elevated blood pressure before they released me so the doc told me to lay off caffeine.  I think she told me that just to tell me something since my symptoms were weird and everyone I repeat the situation to (even the ER staff) look at me as if I said I saw a unicorn.  I know my body and I know what I felt.

The thing is it happened again today while I sitting in church just before the benediction.  My heart has felt “fluttery” since then but when I check my own pulse its fine and, at the hospital, it was irregular but no cause for alarm.  Well, at church, I kinda felt like I did on the train and on my way home that Friday….like I had just got done running.  After I run, I feel fatigued in my chest and I feel like I’m working hard to catch my breathe which is expected after you exert yourself.  But, sitting in church and standing on a train which I do often with no effort, it was completely out of place but it’s what I felt.  Like I had just gone running but hadn’t.  So, at church I didn’t feel a thud….just a lump that rose in my chest and into my throat and then my body forced me to cough again.  It was so sudden.  I was told these are likely panic, anxiety, and stress related…I guess.  Coughing though makes me think my heart is stopping on me or threatening to and I have a built in defibrillator to “jump” it every time.  Every time, I honestly feel like I’m dying.  Like my heart is not going to start again and that’s it.  Anywho, for some time I have complained and written about my ex and his sleazy habits recently.  Well, he is still unemployed, finally admitted he quit his job without due cause, and is now trying to find work at a temp agency since the Casino which had allegedly promised him a job is now laying folks off.  Great great great plan.  We discussed the boys and how they wanna come back home but I am not about to foot the bill for 100% of their care but there isn’t anything I can do about it.  My landlord is selling the building looking to find a buyer by the end of 2009 but, if not, during 2010.  She had to give a reference for me as a tenant which resulted in them keeping me in the building so I won’t have to move esp since I pay my rent on time monthly.  The good thing was that, when I first moved in, my rent was $750 for a 2 bdrm.  When I first had an issue with my ex not paying child support I prayed about it and the next day my landlord told me she was lowering my rent to $700 because I’m a single mom & we were entering a recession.  When she told me about selling the building, she told the agent that my rent is $650 so they will lock in that rate in the event a new buyer comes along.  Come on buyer! lol see how I get ? I’m worrying, tryna skin my ex for his silly ways, and cussin & fussin when I was wasting energy focused on the wrong thing.  I didn’t even pray about this recent issue…He just knew I needed his help.  🙂

Apparently, my blog is rather negative and misleading.  I tend to write about what is bothering me.  What I am frustrated with.  What I don’t understand.  Things like that.  I hardly ever talk about work because work isn’t an issue.  They laid off 2 people recently on back-to-back days and I was thinking I was next on the totem pole but we were reassured that our job is safe at least thru 2009.  I don’t write about my kids because my kids are normal boys who wanna eat junk food all day, play outside all night, and avoid homework like the plague.  My youngest is stubborn as a mule so getting him to do anything without getting arrested is tricky.  My oldest is Mr. Smarty Pants who debates everything on the table which is fine but mama ain’t up for debating EVERYTHING…..sometimes, “because I said so” is enough or you will have my hand print across your face.  I write about things I need to release so I can see how it casts a bad light on me, my life, and anything else related to me.  If life is grand….I might write about but, more times than not, I’ll be out and about enjoying it and off this freakin laptop.  Anywho, my chest is feeling “weird” again and I’m trying not to incur another ER bill so I think I will sit here and relax a bit.  I did google my “supposed” condition and it seems to be quite common.  People live life with palpitations without any major issues including the involuntary coughs and shortness of breathe.  Feeling out of breathe is so not good.  I feel like an obese woman instead of a petite woman with an extremely small bust size.  Take care everyone.

August 9, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment