32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Another Boring Running Post!

Yes – I know.  Do I not have anything exciting to write about other than running? I do but not today unless you wanna read about my cramps, my crying, my up & down emotions, and how I yelled at my supervisor as if I was his superior and not the other way around.  Yeah, it’s been a rough day.

I was supposed to do mile repeats Thursday but my legs were still too sore so I ran 6 miles at a faster pace than  normal.  Bad thing: I started out fast.  Good thing: I finished.  Revelation: starting out fast does not guarantee a faster finishing time.  Lesson learned.  Sunday I did my 10 mile long run.  I seriously have to be mentally prepared for long runs.  I let my body know days in advance so it does not freak out.  I make sure I fuel it the day/night before.  I make sure I wake up on time so I’m not running during the heat of the day.  I make sure I come prepared to fight the mental battle because there is always one.  This Sunday, I got out the door at 6:15am and I did not have to fight as much as I used to.  I thought about my upcoming race & how inhuman it would be to make my body race 10 miles without training it to even run the same distance.  I actually felt good making it home.  I celebrated little victories like reaching this street and then looked forward to reaching the next street until I was on my way home.  I even ran the entire time unplugged since my iPod is on life support.  I hate having to buy another one so I will call Apple Support again for further assistance.  It’s only $40 to get a new refurbished one (I’m not buying a brand new one) but I do not want to spend any money.

I made it home, spent quite some time catching my breath and calming my heart rate down, and then I stretched focusing on my poor legs.  I went inside and seriously laid down in the middle of the floor like I was about to make a snow angel.  I didn’t move for about 5 minutes.  Then I went to pee.  Then laid back on the floor for another 5 minutes.  Then I got up to shower since I had every intention on making it to church.  Somewhere in my getting-ready-time I drank a bottle of Gatorade & ate an apple.  By the time I made it to the train I realized my limbs were quivering and I needed to actually eat something – protein if possible.  I stopped at subway and ordered a breakfast sandwich – first time eating a subway breakfast.  Not excellent but it did the job.  After church, I stopped to get a tuna sub with extra tuna.  I love tuna!  Only mustard, sweet peppers, and lettuce – tryna eat healthier.  Somewhat.  Anywho, I finished my 10 mile run in 1 hr and 37 mins and 32 seconds.  Not sure what time I will finish the actual race in but I hope it’s around the 1 hr and 20 mins mark.  I really want a medal.

This cartoon is by Naked Pastor (on my blogroll) called Closing Time.  I liked it and he said we can use his pictures on blogs free of charge (hope I read that right) so yeah.  I went to church for Youth Day.  Service was awesome!  Hot – but hell is probably hotter I assume.  Not trying to confirm that assumption.  My mom came from the pulpit to speak to me 🙂 I was so touched that I hadn’t seen her in months I wanted to give her a big bear hug but she’s so little I might bend her or something.  I made it home and felt the need to pray asking God to give her her own church.  If not for her, then for me.  I need it.  Yes, it was a selfish prayer and God probably knew my own selfish intentions before I opened my mouth but at least I got it out.  Good thing: I have no probably asking for what I need.  Bad thing: I have no problem asking for what I want.  Relevation:  He can always just stamp a big fat “no” on either and I will still be happy I got it off my chest.  But, I still had to ask anyways – you never know what may happen if you only ask.


July 12, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , | 1 Comment

My Hatred

I thought I knew who I was
until I looked my hatred in the face
She refers to you as Allah
while I simply call you God
I only know what her religion teaches
which differs greatly from my own
I accepted our differences humbly
but must acknowledge what seethed within
Her head-dress elicits my hatred
I desire to spit in her face
Water-boarding and inhumane torture
She deserves it all and much more than that
Inside I surprise even myself
but then I read/hear/see the bombs explode
I convince myself that my God shall win
while she is convinced that Allah has won
Jesus does not teach what I feel
nor will He ever condone my inner struggle
Tears well in my eyes as I admit this
knowing that God already knows the same
Hate never wins
Only Love prevails
But the definition of both words
differ as much as our beliefs
So, who is right and who is wrong?
How many more deaths and bombs?
Involved in a war without an end
shall mark the end of all wars
My God, in Jesus’ name, forgive me
for the death I wish upon her and her kind
It is so easy to hate and difficult to love them
impossible to try when there’s still blood on their hands
I thought I knew who I was
until I looked my hatred in the face
She refers to you as Allah
while I simply call you God

May 31, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Questions may Save Me

I haven’t written about God in such a long time although I have read about Him often via other blogs & discussions.  I gave it all up.  The more holes I found in arguments, the concrete factual evidence that supported every claim against Christianity, the more that one line kept resonating in my head….you are too logical and rational to believe in such a tale.  I am.  I used to think I was a pretty strange little girl who experienced things no one else did or no one else would ever understand so I kept them to myself until I began to write not worrying in the slightest bit that someone might wander upon one of my pieces or posts and send the authorities to gauge my mental capacity to care for myself let alone my kids.  My rationale and my logic makes me ask questions that others either do not or that others do not see.  What I always thought was a curse of mine (since it pissed my mom off often & now my son does it to me) I find has been a way for me to question myself.

It was never about questioning or interrogating others about the truth of the Gospels, the factual evidence that exists outside the Bible of people in the Bible and/or main events that the Bible claims to have taken place (Noah and the flood).  I did not seek to discredit Christianity because, to do so, would leave me without anything to anchor my soul to if it needed anything at all.  I am beginning to understand that maybe my questions and answers I have gotten are there to challenge my own thinking and not someone else’s.  A blogger posed a legitimate question here asking about the apostles,

For them to have such uniformity of action, commitment to an executed man, and put themselves to the kind of risk they did, all to establish the early Christian church, makes no sense otherwise. It defies human nature, self-interest, and self-presevation for all 13 of those people, one of whom had a position of authority before converting to Jesus’ path, to do that. And to stick with it even through persecution and unto their very deaths as martyrs.”  

The irony in my thinking is that it’s not so much about Jesus because His disciples seem to attest to His presence.  Why would these men do such a thing?  Despite the facts that surface today, despite the arguments, the less authentic view or opinion of the Bible, or even misconceptions and ways in which Christianity has festered into modern society (these are my own views).  Why does the one thing that even I can’t answer or explain the one thing that tugs me awake at night begging for an explanation…but I have none.  I have nothing.  Absolutely nothing and here is why: I too am an apostle who, just as we sometimes refuse to believe they would make such claims about a man who died and rose 3 days later even giving their lives for the cause….I would do the same.  Not that anyone would question my connection with Jesus or even think I walked with Him at all in my life but because I have seen, heard, and felt things my logic is incapable of understanding to explain.  I never find a suitable explanation because there is not one that will explain away what I know with certainty has happened or occurred so I’d be, once again, lying to myself to make myself find an acceptable reason for all these things but months will go by and I will never speak of God, write a post about Him, or even pray to Him but “it” comes back….”it” always does.  Those things my mind which has explained away everything simply can’t explain away this while I laugh at people who recite scriptures, point out what Paul said, where it’s found in the OT & NT, and how the Bible has been taught to ages to explain. 

These people are of little minds imo and these people have refused to touch or try to understand what I have so I know that at a moment’s notice they’d call a psychiatric ward on their dear friend who went mad one day talking about things of a Spiritual nature but Spirits are the one of the things that no one (or at least I haven’t found one) can denounce.  Spirits are the one thing that even most Christians fail to acknowledge or even agree on.  I have been saying and asking my fellow Christian friends to look outside the Bible and it’s page but they cannot because every debate or argument leads to this same book.  Maybe my questions are ways in which only I can understand and make sense of this because I know how my mind works and fictional tales that sound really pretty with the only thing attesting to their truth are themselves have never been my cup of tea.  Seriously, would an ocean not claim to be wet?  Or, would it claim to only wet those who touch it?  No one has the balls to jump in and find out so they pull out these big pretty books written about the sea claiming to be the only law of the sea which will give them a definition of the sea and I must never question it.  Left in the hands of fellow Christians who regurgitate their Bibles & what good ole pastor said all these years, my soul would have died.  So, I ask myself, if placed on a stand to account for all I cannot explain that has happened to me, all that I have physically felt since my childhood, all that I have seen since my childhood, and all the times I was fully cognitive and conscious….would I still say those experiences are enough to lay down my life for a God I have never seen, a Christ I think I have spoken to, and a Bible that creates a mess more than it cleans it up?  Yes, I would…it is the most logical and rational thing to do. (Please do not reply to this post with scripture, if that is your arsenal then you can’t even dry the Sahara.)

March 23, 2010 Posted by | Christian, God, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments


Today I am a big ball of confusion.  I have been in these bouts for the past few months off and on about every part of my life.  My kids are at that point where I need a vacation from them.  I might have to explain for the non-parents or for the parents who have the perfect child(ren).  Well, my boys tend to work my nerves sometimes and I usually need a break from them (and vice versa) at some point before I lose it.  What is “it”?  My sanity, my temper, my understanding that kids have a limitless amount of energy & boys fight often, or my grip with reality that no parent is perfect and there will be days when I need to ask someone close to me to watch them for a weekend just so I can catch my breathe.  One talks back and I’ve smacked him right in the mouth on several occasions while I calmly look him in the eye as he cries and say, “now, next time you will do what I asked you and save your lil comments for someone who cares because if I wanted your opinion on how I should raise you I would have asked for it.  It’s ok to have a viewpoint, to be an individual, or to even voice your concerns but I am the one who makes all final decisions and not a nan one of those will be subjected to your poor excuse for negotiating your way into my parenting.  Got it?”  Might be a little too much for an 8yo to grasp but he is beginning to understand that talking back is never a good thing and he is still a child until further notice.  My 4yo seems to have an accident (pee) at the most inopportune times.  If this child doesn’t go to the bathroom at the moment his body alerts him then it’s too late.   You know how many times a week I do laundry?  In addition to that, they are both outgrowing everything!  What is the point of winter shopping if the clothes barely last throughout this one season?!  I need a break from my kids.

Usually, at the end of the month I put together an Executive Summary for each outsourcing client.  My sup processes the files and makes note of anything that should be added to the report and I put the report together.  Well, part of that report involves a Featured Analysis which, for this month, involves highlighting the area where the most charges are incurred by bank service grouping.  I had a small meeting with my sup who told me if a certain situation arises to just do “A”.  That situation arose and I did “A” as instructed but not before one client’s bank re-sent a file which had to be re-processed and my report had to be done all over again.  Then, I emailed all 5 (only half of them) to her for approval and she emails me back with corrections or suggestions.  No big deals, I don’t mind constructive criticism but when you criticize what we clearly discussed involving “A” then I have a problem.  Now, I have learned to only send her the final reports when she does not have too much time to critique every single thing including how I typed my name at the bottom of the report.  Every bit of anal.

I don’t know if I mentioned the company I work for getting sold.  It hasn’t yet but since the founders & owners are approaching retirement age, it just might happen this year or next.  So, I have been thinking about my future and where I want to be as well as what I want to be doing career-wise.  Basically, nothing involves Chicago anymore.  I wondered from day 1 why I was brought here I think I am beginning to see that.  Now, it’s time for me to leave.  The same itch I felt when I left Chicago for Lafayette and Lafayette for Indianapolis and the same itch I felt when I left Indianapolis for Chicago is what I am starting to feel now.  I might very well be here another 2 yrs maybe but the itch is there and I no longer feel the need to stay here which brings me to Mr.D.  I have this thing where I must sign up for something, let it settle, even go through the motions and see if it’s for me, and then be able to tell myself “yes” or “no” with complete certainty before I can move on.  When I thought about getting back with my ex-husband I told him so, he was extremely excited, he said it was music to his ears, and I began to see myself walk back down that road to him with his arms open wide ready to hold me in complete happiness.  But, I started to walk backwards, I began to fret, I realized that all my eyes were seeing was a man with horns on either side of his head and fire burning in the background where he stood.  I knew I didn’t want to go back to him or give our marriage another chance but, when my minister asked me if I was sure or if I’d even tried, I didn’t know until I “tested” it out.  Yes, I played with his emotions but now I have clarity….at the expense of his heart I guess.  A test is still a test and I am still looking for rats to run around this maze called Life.

That brings me to Mr.D … not sure about him anymore.  He put a title on it (which is what I wanted), he cares a lot for me, I care about him, but  maybe I just wanted to see if I wanted him as much as my emotions did.  My mind must be convinced or else my heart won’t be allowed to stay but, oddly enough, when my mind speaks my heart forgets about those feelings that used to exist if they ever did at all.  Mr.D’s future?  I have no clue.  The man has been dreaming of opening his own shop since I met him (black folks and their cookie cutter dreams).  It’s 3 yrs later almost and he is no where near that goal esp since he is constantly losing clientele cause he works at his other job too much.  He is an entrepeneur at heart but he slaves away at a job where he is underappreciated, over-worked, and not happy.  I asked about his business plan…he doesn’t have one.  He asked me to research grants for him.  Fine, what are your estimated start-up costs?  He has no idea.  A ballpark figure?  He gave a range of $75,000 (ridiculous).  Do you have a location?  City?  Suburb?  No clue.  Do you even have a name yet?  Nope.  Great.  I thought my dreams still in a stage of infancy were bad….his aren’t even fertilized yet.  I don’t know why I thought adding a title would make it officially special but, nope, still the same person which the same 2 issues that have always irritated me but he is my friend so it makes it worthwhile.  However (there is always a however), we need to get this worked out.

The story of Noah, the ark, & the flood is fabricated.  Factual evidence does not exist to support this tale.  Facts is where my mind thrives.  I’m not confused about my faith or in whom I believe.  I guess my focus is narrow now and more concentrated because, as the Bible is discounted left and right, I feel it’s still not a good enough argument against Christianity.  It’s cute to debate fellow Christians but it’s childs play.  It’s cute to hear sermons complete with yelling, sweat, and scriptures but the power comes from what is real and what is not.  What good is quoting Paul if Paul never existed (just an example)?  Christianity has been under attack for ages so it’s no surprise.  The surprise is why no one speaks of it from within the church.  What other biblical stories are rooted more in fiction than anything?  I need to die with a clear notion of where my faith falls and where it stands strong.  Science has no place in religion.  Religion has no place in government.  Government has no place in politics.  Politics has no place in humanity.  Yet humanity has a place in science, religion, government, and politics.  What the hell is true and what the hell is not?  I’m not asking myself or anyone reading this.  Before I die I need to know what is real and what is false because the facts are just that….facts!  You can’t deny facts and faith isn’t enough to stretch the truth to fit any dogma.  A fellow blogger talks about God needing a Press Secretary.  There comes a time when not knowing is perfectly fine but to not want to know is an abomination so I ask my God whom I grew up believing in to tell me what is the truth.  Not as a dare, or a threat, or an ultimatum…if for God I live and for God I die then I pray He doesn’t leave me to die with questions in my head and accuse me of never believing.

March 1, 2010 Posted by | Christian, Life | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Here Now Gone Tomorrow

There is always something I’m working on so right now that is getting my house in order in case I die sooner rather than later.  My goal lately has been to pay off my debts, raise my FICO score, establish good credit history, & buy a house one day.  Yeah, that has taken a slight shift because I had great goals outlined but I missed something vitally important…my spiritual house needs a good dusting & what if I die while I’m paying things off? I am in search for an estate planning attorney hoping the attorney who did my divorce is specialized in that area but I highly doubt it.  My first goal before I pay another creditor is to establish a trust so I can secure my assets (hardly any) & secure my finances for my kids’ sake.  This will take some time but I will hit the ground running tomorrow certain my time could come at any moment.  My main concern is making sure my kids get a hefty check I’m to inherit in the year 2036 (I’ll be 56 if I see that day).  My current beneficiaries were set in 2006 which includes my ex-husband who is set to receive 1/3 of the money which is waaaaay too much for him to even look at so I think I will change my beneficiaries to only include my kids until my trust is set up and then I will make the necessary changes.  Gotta pick the best of the worst case scenarios here but I am 100% sure I cannot rely on anyone’s financial know-how in my family. 

After that is taken care of I must then select someone to care for my kids in my absence.  Obviously, care will go to their dad but I would not want him to have control over any money I leave them because a) Best Buy will be a direct benefactor b) his brain cannot comprehend longterm planning so everything will be a “live in the moment” splurge & c) he holds the record for the largest amount of money blown on crap in the shortest amount of time which will live my kids with nothing and leave him asking for hand outs!!  It’s sad to think I will have to appoint someone in control of the money but it is what it is.  If my ex and I die before the kids are 18?  Well, no one in my family is stable enough to care for them and that is pretty sad.  I’d want them to remain within my family but I’m just not sure how that’ll work so I’m praying I live a long life….for their sake at least.  After these decisions are finalized and all legal documents (3 in total) are complete, then I can start on my debt & doing what I need to do to get my house in order.  My spiritual house?  I have not finished Exodus.  Why?  Because I got upset at God or at least for what was written about how God purposefully hardened Pharoah’s heart so he would not listen.  Why?  To boast and show yourself mighty & strong?  To purposefully harm people and blame it on Pharoah’s ignorance & arrogance?  If it would have been easy to let Pharoah release God’s people then why doesn’t He?  Why does it mention at least twice that God hardened his heart so he would not listen?  Read literally, this makes no sense and my brain refused to comprehend it.  Along with this, I have found I think way too much.  I was talking to a friend of mine who is a Church of Christ believer.  She says any non-Church of Christ folks must be “converted” and she was when she realized all the lies even saying how the Bible makes it plain.  I told her I don’t believe wholeheartedly in everything written in the Bible.  She gasped on the phone and asked if it is because of the many translations over the centuries.  Of course that has something to do with it.  She suggested I read a Greek version with the help of a Greek dictionary.  She then talked about how she would argue with folks over religion before she uncovered the “lies”.

I listened to all this and grew tired realizing that some things do not require additional knowledge.  There was a time, and that time still exists, when I felt things that I couldn’t explain.  Some call it intuition.  I don’t care what label it carries but I was more at ease with my beliefs than I am now.  Knowledge is power in some areas but in this one knowledge is crippling.  Each stone I overturn leads to another one and then another one until I’ve turned over every single rock and there are no more answers for my questions which will lead me to disbelief and uncertainty in what I’m dying for and what I proclaim to have faith in.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to question because anything that stifles your inquisitive instincts is reason to be alarmed.  What I am saying is that I know when it’s becoming too much and I know when there’s no combination of answers that will quiet my curiosity.  Of course I’d like to know more and that will never change but the only thing that can’t quantify an explanation is that statement heard on a petal of air that no one else hears, that tugging that jars me that no else feels, or that rebuke that leaves me somber when no one else knows I did wrong.  That’s something a book can’t explain and that is something I need to hold onto.

Other minor updates: Malcolm said I kissed him back so he shouldn’t be at fault for all the blame.  I told him it wasn’t the kiss but his hands roaming.  Then he said I should have stopped him.  I replied that I did when his hand grazed my crotch.  He said “ok”.  I assume that means case closed.  A penis seems to always give you room for error while a vagina gives reason to be lynched with blame.  Work is going well.  I am weighing another career opportunity but, like all things I’ve ever weighed, it may be a faint memory by next week.  Haven’t done my genealogy in weeks.  Haven’t ran in weeks.  Been reading investments books like I’m dehydrated for knowledge.  Have been kinda floating along with most things giving some little thought and playing others by ear.  Right now, and for the longest time so far, I have ran when I felt restricted & screamed when I felt threatened…..figuratively speaking.  So, I don’t do anything I used to do.  I find it hard to explain why other than “I don’t want to” although I’m pretty sure the people asking would prefer a more concrete answer.  In the meantime, I shall continue getting my house together & preserving what I have accomplished thus far so if I shall die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take (and my revocable living trust to carry out my wishes in my absence). Amen.

February 21, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Pray For Me Too

Today is the 2nd Saturday of the month which means it’s Prayer Ministry time.  Meeting is from 8-945a…I got there about 815a.  I have missed the last 3 weeks of any & everything church related partly because I’ve been out of town so, when I walked in, I could tell some people were surprised.  I sat down and looked over the agenda to see what we’d be discussing today.  Our book of the month is Spiritual Warfare.  Honestly, this has been the book-of-the-month for the past few months.  Why?  Because no one has read it and because Mama Allen refuses to go on ahead without knowing most of the Prayer Warriors gained something from the book.  The point of this post is to highlight my own shortcomings, the time I was downright rude during the meeting, and the time I talked to Mama Allen about my own concerns with the ministry. 

We have a facilitator for the book who has been absent from the ministry most of this past year while she battled cancer so it was good to have her back.  She opened the discussion and a couple women shared their opinions on the book, what they got from the book, and how it somehow pertained to their personal lives.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!  What the discussion is supposed to do is get everyone talking about key aspects of the book highlighting some line or passage from the book that they liked.  That did not happen too much today.  I won’t say it didn’t happen but I will say it didn’t happen as intended.  One lady (who we all know you can’t pay her to shut up) started talking about something in right field.  Then another lady (who should honestly never speak publicly) started talking about something in left field.  By this point, I was highly irritated because, yet again, we were off topic, not discussing the actual book, and we were going to add yet another month to this already old book!  When the lady talking about left field started to recap a story involving her friends’ house, casting out demons in this house, how she went and bought a bottle of oil to anoint the house, and how she went from room to room speaking the word of God and pleading the blood of Jesus….I was past pissed.

Maybe it’s just me but some people want so badly to be used by God for all the wrong reasons.  She has no anointing.  I will venture out there to say that.  Everyone kept saying how real and serious Satan and his demons are.  How you shouldn’t play with casting out demons because they will surely find a home in you if they know you are just faking the funk pretending to be anointed and all that oil in your hand is good for frying some chicken only!  Yet and still, they say this and people will take up a good 15 minutes recapping their stories.  It’s cool if you wanna take that risk but not during the time when we are supposed to be discussing the book.  So, since I’m used to people at this church constantly muttering under their breathes “I wish she will sit down” or “here she go again” I raised my hand and the lady stopped talking probably assuming I had something to add to the story but, instead, I pointed to the facilitator and said “you can go on to the next chapter”.  You should have seen her face!  She looked like she wanted to say, “how dare you b*tch” but I held my ground cause I was serious….move on!!  Mama Allen starting talking, this chick gave me one of those looks, I leaned forward about to tell her what part of my anatomy she can kiss, but instead I got up and walked out.  I was feeling frustrated all over again.  The ministry is not meeting my expectations nor is it meeting Mama Allen’s expectations given to her by the Holy Spirit. 

Mama Allen called me later during the day and I told her I did feel irritated, I’m tired of waiting until someone decides to do the work needed of Prayer Warriors, I’m tired them wanting the entire church to know they’re Prayer Warriors but not do the work to build the foundation, and I’m tired of feeling stagnant.  My shortcoming?  I felt arrogant during that moment in the meeting before I raised my hand.  This lady said “and I dos it” instead of “I did it” and it was all downhill from there.  In my head, I started to have arrogant thoughts such as “I’ve read all the books and memorized the scriptures so I should be on an accelerated track” or “this lady can’t even speak properly but she’s casting out demons?!” or “these people are holding me back” or “I refuse to call grown women to make sure they have read their books”.  When I walked out, I felt guilt at my thoughts, irritation, and the sad realization that some people need someone to hold their hand in this.  I admit I am not that person.  I am hands off.  Either you work for it or you won’t.  I am not a teacher & I am not a coach because I am the best student/athlete you can find.  I don’t give up.  I don’t whine the whole way.  If I know I can’t then I bow out but not before giving it my all.  I lack patience for people who complain more than they try.  Mama Allen has bust her skinny azz tryna put shyt together for this dang ministry so it pisses me off when some grown azz woman says “I ain’t got time to be reading all these books!”  Do they say that to Mama Allen?  No, they’s bytches.  I hear them say this shyt all the time and they say it to me or when I am standing right there basically not caring how time and effort Mama Allen has invested so it does piss me off and I wish they’d just bow the phuck out.  I told Mama Allen on the phone that the meetings aren’t timely and people talk too freakin much.  How can we move on?!

In the end, I don’t know what I wanna do.  I stepped outside to gain my composure, the Pastor walked in with a deacon and didn’t look at me just muttered a “hello” as if it was required, and I just about screamed.  Why am I even here?!  Why?  My mood is ten times worse from being here for just 2 hours.  Maybe it is Satan up to no good.  Maybe it is a spirit of discord and division.  Maybe it is but I know I want to learn more and I should have learned more but the ministry is not where I would have hoped it would be.  Mama Allen mentioned a “what if” situation that involved her leaving the church or letting the ministry go in the hands of the current leaders….I’d surely leave it as well.  It prb won’t die but it will be on life support for awhile.  I cursed.  I yelled.  I stomped my feet.  I grabbed my coat and left as soon as I could.  I ran from the church and doubt I’d be there tomorrow morning.  If this is Satan’s way of keeping me at bay then it must be cleverly disguised because all I can think about is the mess called organized religion and the Christians who resemble Satanists if anything.  Strong words to type but imagine the way I feel to even type that and stand behind it.  Pray for me too.

February 13, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Let’s Talk for a minute…

My 4 yr old has eyes that sparkle like gems when he smiles.  Sometimes I think my own eyes are playing tricks on me but I swear when he’s really excited or giddy, he laughs this angelic sound and this eyes turn into a brilliant spectrum of white lights.  I can see happiness in his eyes and it makes me smile.  His smile is adorable.  His eyes squint really small reminiscent of his dad’s Cherokee blood. He melts my heart instantly.  I always wonder how he could be so cute.  My oldest has out grown his child-like cute phase and has now turned into an inquisitive annoyance that catches me off guard when I don’t answer his question literally or if I answer it in riddle form which only sets up another round of questions and I want to scream.  Not as annoying as I’d like to think but quite impressive because the boy can dissect through any and every thing.  He has big dark eyes which are alluringly sinister only because he hides behind this innocent look and people actually fall for it.  But not I!  I invented that look….who do you think he gets it from??

Then I wonder about the future, what will happen to me, what will happen to them, and what will happen to this world around me and I wish for a moment that I’d never had kids at all.  No one to make me feel the kind of pain that only a parent would feel.  When I added the tag widget to the left side of this blog, I had no idea I write about God so much.  I don’t question God but I do wonder why we are here just to die and suffer great pain at seeing our loved ones go.  It only dulls the pain a tad bit knowing I might see them again but who’s to say that’s true?  Faith only calms me for so long before I want someone from the other side to let me know if what I think awaits me is fact or fiction.  It’s Russian Roulette with my soul.  What if I make the wrong decision?  I remember that story in the Bible where a man died but he didn’t listen to all the prophets or whomever had come to warn him to live right and confess God as his Lord (I’m paraphrasing like I’ve never paraphrased).  When he died, he asked if he could go back and warn his loved ones but his request was denied because they should have their own chance to make their own decision as he had.  To heed the warnings or ignore them.  If I had known what I know now, I would not have reproduced & brought offspring into this world of mass confusion where no one knows anything but everyone swears they know everything. 

I whine about how unfair life is sometimes (tried to not end that sentence with a preposition which I do often).  Not about material things because I don’t really care too much about that stuff.  I complain about folks who find happiness by way of a intimate relationship with someone of the opposite (or same if that’s your preference) sex.  I thought I’d done everything as right as I could.  No, I didn’t wait til I was married to have sex but I did marry the first guy I had sex with.  Does that count for something?  Now, girls have sex tapes, sleep with football teams, and get trifling nicknames and here I am wondering what I’m doing wrong.  The world will lead me to believe I am too much on the straight and narrow so that’s my problem but, then again, I wouldn’t go the opposite way if given the choice because it’s not really me either.  I have no friends here.  I know a lot of people but not a single one I actually like.  Everyone is younger (my sisters), older (translation: boring), usually married (they bring their husbands everywhere), or too immature to enjoy the things I do.  Then I sit and wonder what it’s all for which leads to me thinking way too much so I put on my music to calm my brain down and I’m back to normal again.  Sometimes life can be boring.  I don’t want to work all the time.  I don’t want to sit in church all day.  I don’t want to sit in the house all week.  I don’t want to spend my free time with folks I can’t stand.  I don’t want to run myself to death (or to anorexia).  I don’t want to think about everything there is to think about.  I don’t want to so I wonder what is there left to do.  After all I’ve done throughout the week with the kids, work, running, and a little church sprinkled here and there…..what else is there left for me to do? (I am sure my grammer sucks!)

My point?  I have none.  I’ll grab something to snack on, register for my big race this year, talk to my bff from 2 states away, watch a movie, and then fall asleep just to do this all over again tomorrow.  One day, I need to find my calling because this existing to say I lived is not working for me anymore.  No, my calling is not in a church….that much I know for sure since no one can seem to keep me there long enough to hold down a position.  Usually when I think about God, unlike other topics in the world, the best way to handle it is to not think too much.  The simplest thought is sufficient.  You ever feel the need to pray?  I was about to do something (can’t say because it’s prb TMI) when I felt the need to pray.  I didn’t pray though.  I knew the insistence to pray was present for a reason but I didn’t.  I just sighed loudly and did not do what I was about to do.  You know what else I hate (well, I didn’t actually say I hate anything but ignore that part), I hate women who don’t act like women.  Maybe it’s because all the women I know are married or single Christian women having sex like it’s bread given away at the Last Supper or virgins who don’t know the uphill battle I face sometimes.  I wanna talk about masturbating but I heard that’s taboo because if I speak it then something blah blah blah but if I don’t speak it then I fake the funk like everyone else.  Maybe I can’t find folks like me because I don’t seem embarrassed about anything, ashamed about anything, or self-conscious about anything.  I am a tad bit too uninhibited to be a good little Christian girl but, for some reason, I am one.  How the hell did that shyt happen?!

February 8, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Not Created Equal

This post is about a friend of mine.  We were talking on the phone one evening when she said, “you all into the Bible and stuff, I wanna ask you something”.  I said ok and she said the issue is this: her boyfriend attends a church that she has attended for the last 2 Sunday services.  We only got on this subject because I asked if she was going to the same church because, when I go down to Indy this weekend, I wanna go see my old Pastor.  Anywho, her boyfriend’s church is fine on all levels until the Pastor starts preaching.  The Pastor was preaching about sin and death saying that the two were related to each other.  Last Sunday was part I then the recent Sunday was part II.  She felt uncomfortable about what he was saying so she asked for my opinion on the matter.  I don’t have a Theology or Divinity degree but I do know what I know and I know, based on that, what is flat-out wrong or questionable.  The Pastor was standing in the pulpit saying that he will be doing a lot of funerals in 2010 because a lot of people are not “fruitful” so God will eventually have to cut (kill) them from the tree.  This pastor also said that anyone who is not doing as God instructed them will die and, for this reason alon, he anticipates many funerals this year.

We were talking via phone but I raised my hand quickly to say something as if she could see me – what?!  Ok, this whole tree or vine story I have heard before and I have read it for myself.  I understand what he is trying to say but I do not understand what he is actually saying.  God cutting off dead unfruitful branches may very well mean God taking life from someone who is not producing fruit.  My problem lies in the way he spoke so convincingly that sin and death are always related so if someone dies it was because they have sinned in God’s eyes and no other reason.  If someone dies it is because they weren’t “fruitful”.  It’s as if he has spoken to God about this and God has revealed this as truth to only him….no one else.  So, what about those who are just ready to go home?  Those who are fruitful and have finished the assignment they were sent here to do?  If no one dies then that means we are all fruitfully living and walking with God?  So, we’d all live forever….right?  No one should die….basically?  I understand that was the original desire of God, for no one to die, but that hasn’t been the case in a looooooong time so explain that part to me and my friend!

My response to my friend: bullshyt!  Not only does it not make sense but it does not explain the questions above.  The pastor said if folks die without sinning it is because they have exhausted their “fruit” or have reached their max fruit potential, so to speak.    How can you know who has and who hasn’t sinned?  How do you know for sure that is the reason they are dying?  A lot of assumptions based on nothing.  So, if I die in 2010 it wasn’t because it was my time to go or because I’d possibly did what I was sent here to do.  According to the main message, I have died because I sinned and God was tired of lil ole me sapping energy from the overall tree.  Now, I can see how God may kill people based on this argument but you must not say that from the pulpit.  Why?  Because you are teaching one angle and not the other.  He never mentioned pruning, grace, mercy, forgiveness, or any of these things I thought and was taught God is all about.  The pastor never mentioned anything about saying connected to the vine or in relationship with fellow Christians so you won’t stray too far.  All he mentions is the result if you do bad things, turn away from God, and live your life sinfully without regard to what God commands of you.

My friend then said she asked her boyfriend: “what about babies who die? Are they punished without having lived life to sin?”  Her boyfriend says: “babies who die before they really live do so because of their parents’ sins”.  I kid you not I was floored!  I told her not to listen to him or this pastor.  If this is the way her boyfriend believes and if this is the way his pastor believes then fine….I pray for you both.  But, don’t believe it!  You seek the truth on your own and don’t take any and everything spoken from the pulpit as truth.  I’d like to say that this pastor must be held accountable for what he preaches from God’s church but if he is not working under God’s authority (I hope not) then is it really God’s church?  To not offer a solution, a way back, a means to atone for anything anyone may be sorry for or about is just evil.  To only send fear into folks so they will stop sinning because they don’t want to die although we will all die is crazy.  To not be able to point at any obituary and tell your congregation who died because they were too sinful and who died because they were too fruitful isn’t helping the argument either.  She should leave her boyfriend right where she found this crazy tail & go back to her own church.

As many times as I’ve strayed and came back, did wrong and came back, said every cuss word and did everything in a karma sutra book and came back….how can you say God will kill off branches no matter how small of a percentage is rooted in fact??  It’s misleading, not edifying in any way, and gives new meaning to “the fear of God”.  AND, since he knows so much about why God decides to take one life and not the other, he does not even give a gauge as far as what is “too much sin” (since we are all sinful by nature) and what is “too much fruit”.  Be careful whose leadership you are under because not all are under God’s leadership & authority and not all are created equal.

January 26, 2010 Posted by | Christian, God | , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

5th Genesis

Yes, I have finally finished and no I will not do these small little sections ever again!  So, imho (in my humble opinion), Joseph is by far my fav man of the Bible thus far.  Of Adam, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob….I like Joseph the most because he didn’t do anything scandalous or questionable (unless it wasn’t documented) and he seem upright, humble, and sincerely want to just do right even displaying the ultimate show of forgiveness.  The other 5 men I listed have made me wonder why God even chose them of all people and why, after being chosen, they didn’t at least try to live an honorable life.  Confusing part I: when Jacob wrestles with God not knowing it was God. The story is randomly mentioned as if to explain why Israelites don’t eat the tendon which is not really a good reason because the Bible does not give a sound reason for why his tendon was touched in the first place other than because the man could not overpower Jacob.  So, what was the test here if this man was God?  To see if Jacob would wrestle back?  To see if he’d give up mid way through?  If it was indeed God then why would he not be able to overtake Jacob?  If God has no intentions to overtake Jacob but only to teach him some cool lesson then why punish him by touching his tendon?  Why wouldn’t God make his self known if he has been with and communicating with Jacob all this time?  Why isn’t the man describe here who is supposed to be God?  More questions than answers.

I don’t understand why Jacob did all that to please Esau when he could clearly care less since he never went with Esau but instead set up camp somewhere else.  Then how Jacob divided his kids up with their mom by importance in his eyes.  Clearly the maidservant and their children were placed in front on the frontline of possible danger and Rachel & Joseph was in the rear at a safer distance with plenty of time to escape if need be.  How could you possibly fault the other brothers for feeling envy or jealous towards Joseph if their dad verified it openly.  I am not saying it’s right to feel jealous or envy toward a sibling but, in this situation, I can understand how it happened and who is really to blame for it.  The funny thing is that chapter 37 says Israel (Jacob) loved Joseph more than his other sons because he was born to him in old age.  Bull’ish!  He loved him because he was born of Rachel….cut the crap Moses!!  Jacob is full of ‘ish but he had found favor with God so I shall kiss his azz like everyone has too.  Rachel dies during childbirth naming her last son after her troubled childbirth experience but Jacob named him Benjamin instead. 

God puts Er to death because he was wicked but, according to Genesis & I Chronicles 2:3, it does not say what wicked thing(s) Er had done.  Clearly it was something worst than unwedded sex, lying, cheating, stealing, or participating in prostitution.  Clearly because all the men up until now have survived but Er did not.  Then Onan was put to death by God because he would not impregnate Tamar. Willingly impregnate women you are no married to – Great!  Refuse to impregnate women you are not married – Death!  Wow…is this really the same God I heard great stories about since my childhood??  I can only think of this quote I read, “When I don’t understand God’s hand I will trust His heart”….that’s me right now at this very moment.  Another head scratcher: Judah sleeps with a prostitute along the side of the road, finds out his daughter-in-law is pregnant and accused of prostitution, and so Judah wants her burnt to death.  OMG!  Another display of a double standard because a man can participate in prostitution without penalty but the woman who allegedly was the prostitute must be put to death?!  Or was the crime because she got pregnant?  You can h*e but don’t get knocked up…is that right?  What about the guy who just couldn’t say no?  What about the man who got her pregnant?  The irony is that Judah’s own sister was “violated” so he and his brothers plotted to kill the men responsible as well as killing men of the city (great plan I must say! Men get skin cut off their penis’ and can’t function for days but we women can have babies, get ripped open, stretched, bleed, all kinda stuff and get kicked out the hospital in 3 days flat.  Man up you woosies!!).  What if that was someone’s daughter on the side of the road?  Whether she wanted to prostitute or was forced to….it never occurred to get her off the side of the road.  But Onan was put to death yet Judah was allow to live?  Mind-boggling.

Through a plot to kill him but instead selling him to the Egyptians, Joseph begins an impressive life with favor from God and favor well earned.  I have no questions or complaints or head-scratching moments when it comes to Joseph’s account.  I have heard sermon after sermon about keeping your dreams to yourself as if Joseph was in the wrong for opening up to his brothers.  Had he known they were wicked then clearly he wouldn’t have mentioned it but, as proof that God is with Joseph, I think he was wise is telling them his dream because a) it proved that he was right when it did come to pass b) it shows that anything meant for evil can be turned to good in God’s hands and c) you can’t not control who is jealous, envious, or hates you.  He wasn’t boasting…just revealing.  So, I will tell my dreams as much as I’d like you….all these stupid sermons can focus on smacking the brothers’ hands in rebuke than on asking Joseph to stick out his.  Fav line: “I have heard it said of you that when you hear a dream you can interpret it” (Pharoah) “I cannot do it but God will…” (Joseph).  What does that verse say?  In all thine ways acknowledge him and he will direct thy path?  Something like that.  Joseph could have easily pumped his self up in front of the honorable (sarcasm) Pharoah but he didn’t….he stayed on the humble path knowing he had no power to do anything.  2nd fav line: “Now Joseph was well-built and handsome and after a while his master’s wife took notice…” (Gen 39:6-7) I sure bet she did! lol fine and muscular is how I read that line…..fine and muscular wearing sandals walking around bare-chested with just a piece of fabric wrapped around his waist.  I am not saying Potiphar was right in lusting after Joseph but I can surely understand 🙂 Jacob dies but not before blessing his sons which I am curious to see if these will open another interesting discussion later in the Old Testament as these prophecies unfold.  Joseph dies after telling his brothers God will come and take them out of Egypt.  I shall continue with the Book titled Exodus.

January 17, 2010 Posted by | God | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

4th Genesis

Drama drama drama! This is turning into a facinating Biblical soap opera.  I read from chapter 24 stopping at chapter 32 today on the train to and from work.  Is it just me or are these chapters getting longer?  Now, each chapter holds enough drama to need a commercial break therafter.  So, I began at the account of Isaac and Rebekah….it’s clear that marrying your family members was the thing to do during those times.  Finding and bringing back Rebekah was a chapter in itself but I was confused on whether Abraham’s servant indeed traveled alone or with men.  It implies that he went alone since God spoke to only him telling him to go but then, throughout this account, they mention his “men” who were with him.  Where did they come from?! Thin air??

Abraham dies but not before having another tribe of kids.  It even said Ishmael and Isaac buried him.  So the brothers are cool now?  On speaking terms?  Or was it just Sarah who was trippin?  Question: why are sons so significant?  I get they carry on the family name but everyone is sleeping with everyone and God is blessing each 1st born so why come??  Your name is siginificant because of God & His blessing(s)….not because of some raggedy lil boy.  And how are all these women poppin out boy after boy after boy?  Did they have girls but mentioned them as an afterthought if they were mentioned at all?  Ishmael eventually dies and I read about his lineage who, they say, lived in hostility toward each other for whatever reason.  I swear….Ishmael can’t pay to get some Bible time.  He gets maybe a whole paragraph and we’re back to talking about Isaac.  Next we have the birth of Jacob & Esau and the foreshadowing of their fate when God speaks to Rebekah about them both fighting in womb although the Bible uses the cute word “jostled”.  Ok, so Esau was clearly the strong one physically but the weaker one mentally although being deceitful isn’t a favorable trait either.  Then we have another “she’s my sister” lie being told but the interesting thing was what the King is noted as saying.  He said, “What is this you have done to us? One of the men might well have slept with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us.”  I know a sin is a sin but I don’t think these folks got that memo since sleeping with someone’s wife takes a harsher punishment and weighs heavily on their conscious than lying, cheating, or possibly stealing is given little thought.  Admirable but perplexing.

Another observation: those whom God did not speak directly to or even those He spoke to just to get His mission accomplished, all referred to Him as “the God of Abraham & Isaac”.  So, who is their God?  Is He only Abraham’s God so no one else can lay claim to Him?  Clearly they believed in God for Him to a) speak to them, b) for them to follow him in complete faith and possibly fear, and c) admit they see God has blessed those He promised to.  Why is God just the God of Abraham, Isaac, and later Jacob?  Why isn’t he just everyone’s God?  Does He have to first call for them before they have “claiming” rights?  Just the possessive nature of the wording is weird.  The God of Abraham.  Hello?!?!  He’s the God of me too!!!  Jacob steals Esau’s blessing.  How conveninent that the women (thus far) are major bytches!  Why Eve gotta be hardheaded and foolish??  Why Sarah gotta do shyt her way in her own time??  WhyRebekah gotta play favoritism and make sure her fav child gets the divine hook-up by plotting and scheming??  And why did Rachel allow jealousy to cause her to commit a “Sarah”?!  These women are either majorly ruthless or someone is painting a nicely inaccurate picture of women in general.  Could all the women be this evil?  Could this all be apart of God’s plan?  I don’t know but I’m tired of turning the page and wanting to cuss a chick out for doing something stupid!  The nerve of Rebekah!!  She was smart though (if this is a true account) because she covered every possible issue but Isaac knew deep down.  He had to have known.  This fool didn’t disguise his voice so I don’t care what you feel and smell like.  Pure luxury to speak it into existence something knowing God will honor whatever blessing you give. 

The first Biblical love story with all the Titanic-esque moments.  Boy meets girl.  Girl is being Mz.Independent tending her sheep.  Boy falls for girl.  Boy does not care ole girl is literally his 1st or 2nd cousin.  Boy works to earn hand of girl in marriage but not before running up in her sister real quick.  Boy stares irony in the face when he finds his self deceived **insert evil laugh** and must work again for same hand in marriage.  Boy marries girl (finally) but ole girl can’t get preggers.  What’s a man to do?!  What’s a woman to do?!  Man has a tribe of kids with the love-of-his-life’s sister and the love-of-his-life lets her maidservant sex her husband just for a child of her own out of pure jealousy.  Drama drama drama!  I tell ya one thing…..these people do not think.  They think long enough to get what they desire never thinking about the long term effects of their decisions.  How on earth is another chick having your husband’s baby the same as you having one for him??  Then the Bible says “God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb”.  Clearly, she must have been praying to “Abraham’s God” and God allowed her to finally have her own child.  See what patience can do for you?  She never stopped praying about the issue but she refused to let it go.  I like how they name off each and every son Jacob has but then says Dinah came “some time later”.  Afterthought.  Yeah, she had a girl….whatever!  Yet another question: was Leah blind?  The Bible says Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see.  Then it says Leah had weak eyes but Racheal was lovely in form and beautiful.  Same word used to describe eyes but for two different meanings?  The context seems to suggest that but it’s misleading for anyone who scrutinizes every single word written (i.e. me).

Last chapter is more drama drama drama!  Jacob comes out on top (of course) and he has many things, lots of livestock, enough kids populate another planet, and other riches.  How are these men choosen?  Abraham started out noble and upright and kinda went downhill after God chose him.  Every man since then has been more sinister and cunning than the last.  But they are blessed no matter what.  Blessed for following God.  Maybe there is some truth to those prosperity teachings.  Not a lot but some.  As long as you don’t sleep with someone else’s wife you cool.  Listen to and follow God.  Build God an altar where He speaks to you or shows you a vision.  And you will live out the rest of your life with no real problems.  Even if you cheat someone out of their blessing then you are still entitled to it although it wasn’t meant for you originally.  Must have been an awesome time to live in.  Must have.

January 5, 2010 Posted by | God | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments