32B's Blog

…where I write my words


April 21st I started crying on the phone for a reason but, in hindsight, for no real reason.  April 22nd I started the day with an attitude and made sure I was being heard whether it was a work day or not so I don’t care if you have to walk outside the office to talk cause your co-workers might hear me yelling.  Arpil 23rd I was supreme biatch!  Mr. D came over after working a good 12 hours (his fault not mine), I had an attitude, he left, I called him back (he was going to listen to me), this fool smart man answered the phone just for me to break up with him.  April 24th Aunt Flow came to visit and I couldn’t understand why I said some of the things I had said or even why I had cried over trivial things.  I mean I literally cried boo-hoo tears.  In the previous months, Mr. D had mentioned my mood swings but simply stated “I just need to know how to handle them” as if they were a walk in the park.  As time went on (we’ve known each other for quite a while), he’d drop hints here and there about what the date of the month was, he asked “not to be funny, but do you know when you’re being emotional?”, and even said really softly (low in volume) that it gets hard for him to handle sometimes.  That last statement was loud and clear.  Everything else before that time kinda went in one ear and out the other.  I guess it was the way the words were said gently as if not to hurt my feelings or carefully knowing a tigress could pounce at any time.  Either way, I felt bad.  I actually broke up with him for a weekend.  We talked that following Monday.  We were back on again. 

My ex-hubby never mentioned it.  I haven’t really spent a significant amount of time with any other guy to be called out on it.  I go to work, sit there quietly working, I eat with everyone for lunch, I speak occasionally, but I tell myself I am keeping to myself because they might piss me off and I’m not in the mood.  I think Mr. D is out of his mind.  He is trying to make me look psycho.  He is trying to bamboozle me.  He is an idiot.  That’s exactly what it is….a man trying to tell me (a woman) that I have a condition because heaven forbid there’s anything wrong with his narrow behind so I need help when he probably need patience, tolerance, and tissue when I feel like crying which is what women do.  We cry.  My mood on the 24th was lovely.  It was a weekend, I was chillin, relaxing at home, just enjoying life.  I called a friend of mine who works in health care.  I explained everything and even things I have done/said months previous and she suggested I talk to my doctor but thought birth control pills might be a good solution.  In her experience, she has seen worse but she does agree that my emotional state complete with crying, yelling, cussing even, and just acting a fool was not abnormal.  One of her co-workers has a daughter who did the same thing (sans crying).  She was unbearable during those times and, for a while, her parents thought she was bipolar because almost instantly she’d be fine again.  When the daughter started taking BCP, her mood swings got better.  Not sure if they totally disappeared but her mom says they stopped fighting and she didn’t “go off” like she normally did. 

I do not like birth control of any form.  In my opinion, it’s unnatural.  I have never had problems with cramps, heavy bleeding, or mood swings (imo) so I was fine.  My period started like clockwork every 4 weeks on the same day.  If it was early, it’s a day or two early.  If it was late, it was 3 or 4 days late.  No biggie.  Having been on BCP before, I didn’t like the side effects.  I didn’t like the hormones.  I didn’t like how it messed up my perfect cycle.  But, I told her I would consider it if my doctor suggested them.  I asked another lady much older.  She told me she drinks wine during those times.  What the hell does wine do for a hormonal imbalance?  I do not know.  Wine?  Alcohol?  That is your solution?! 

I have not made an appointment with my doctor yet and it takes a few weeks to even get in to see her but I will just to say I did.  What I find funny is that women in health care freely talk about this even saying loud and clear that PMS and mood swings are real but regular women do not talk about it.  Is it taboo?  Shameful?  I haven’t found a topic I won’t talk about so of course I am not bothered.  Sometimes I know I am being emotional either through my writing or through my actions.  How can you explain crying?  I am not even a crier most times.  I am still a “natural” person who would prefer a drug-free existence.  I still do not think my moods swing that much.  But ask me that in about 3 weeks.  Thinking about it, I sometimes feel like I am crazy or bipolar.  My friend explained it in a better way using medical terms and terminology which made me feel validated.  I called Mr. D and apologized.  He laughed and asked if I needed more ice cream.  I told him to stop that because it’s fattening than anything but I appreciated his attempts to help.  Is this really a medical issue requiring medicine?  Or can I just avoid the world for the 3 or 4 days beforehand?  Maybe it’s all in my head.


May 2, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

One Funk-a-delic Mood

oh_yeah___grrrrrrrrr_by_albertofotoHave you ever had a feeling so potent and so revealing you couldn’t even write about it?  Potent because the sheer absorption of it rattles you noticeably.  Revealing because it threatens to tear down the rock-rough-and-tough-with-my-afro-puffs shell you carry around.  Can I write about it?  I don’t have any other choice since the sun is setting so running at this time of day is a definite no-no for me and I need to get this off my chest.  My Twitter update says, “sometimes just sometimes you need a damn time out and an actual friend to vent to“.  Right now I do need a time out which is why I stopped packing for my trip and am now sitting here writing this.  An actual friend.  I have one but more times than not they aren’t the drop-what-you-are-doing-to-come-see-about-you friend so I guess I don’t have one.  I always heard about that kind.  Thought I had one of those until I realized my shirt was soaked from lending them my shoulder but my chest was still heavy with things I needed to release.  Every time.  All the time.  Selfish ass people!!

I got an email about an hour ago containing pertinent information which made me stop what I was doing to investigate as I do so well.  I picked up the phone to call bypassing the “hello’s” and got right to the meat of the situation.  I need to know the when, where, why, and how, since I already had a dumbfounded look of “what?!” on my face.  I knew this was coming but knowing or even expecting doesn’t mean anything when it’s on your doorstep.  What is the issue?  What has me writing a blog and wanting to run simultaneously to rid myself of this?  Significant others.  Everyone seems to have one.  Every single friend I usually call either has one or has met one recently so their time is limited to tend to lil ole me.  Everyone seems to be getting engaged and married.  Everyone seems to be planning couple trips, retreats, and regular ole sit-on-the-couch-and-cuddle moments.  Everyone except me.  Yeah, I know.  God has it all in His hands right next to the freakin world.  Right now I don’t wanna focus on what I know….I just wanna vent because venting is so healthy and realistic and human.  I need to feel this human feeling of desiring companionship.

Then one of my occupied and/or semi-busy friends will say, “but you don’t want a relationship!”  I know that right now because all I have met is crap.  I even tell every single semi-busy and/or occupied friend about guys I meet, the scenarios inbetween, why things didn’t work out, and I even ask that dreaded question “is it me???”  Out of the roughly 10 people I call and tell everything to not so much because we are that close but to get an outside view on things and trend the resulting opinions for a good analysis, they all absolutely hate every guy I have met this year.  Hate.  Capital H to the A followed by the T ending in the E.  Hate.  Some have even gone as far as to say, “it’s about damn time you cut them loose! You deserve better and he ain’t it.”  From guys.  From girls.  Same result.  So, is it me or was it ever me?  Of course.  They agree that I’m a Queen B sometimes, I talk to people as if they are stupid for not seeing things my way, and I sometimes need to stop talking (and writing) because not everyone can bear to hear (or read) how I REALLY feel.  Other than those things I seriously need to work on, both genders agree that I am not defective goods.  In need of a tune-up…..yes.  Nothing but scrap metal….no.  Still doesn’t change the fact that I was born a freaking human and a woman at that which makes this crap ten times worse.  Along with being a human woman, I have this insatiable need to want to share my life with someone of the male gender. 

I am beginning to feel a whole lot better now so this writing crap is good for something but it still does not change the fact that right now I am a heap of emotional, sensitive, self-doubting, “am I pretty?”, “am I smart?” mess in need of some validation that I am not defective goods.  That I just need to be patient.  I have no choice but to be patient but I’m just saying….tryna write out my thoughts still.  There you go.  I’m lonely right now and my weak soft interior is fully exposed to all of blogville to see (read).  Going back to packing since there ain’t ‘ish I can do about anything related to this situation other than turn my music loud as hell to drown out my own thoughts and pray that God sends me a perfect man along with some good ole drop-what-you-are-doing-to-come-see-about-me friends.  Til then…I’ll be vacationing in FL for a few days since summer never really made it to Chicago this year.  Thanks for reading guys.  I promise I will be outta this funk in 5…4….3…2….ok I don’t know when.  Smooches.

July 15, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | 2 Comments