32B's Blog

…where I write my words

I Miss You

I thought about you yesterday
And a couple of days ago
Then last week sometime
And again today
It seems the further time separates you
The more my mind reminds me of you
Strange indeed
Ran across your blog yesterday
Not at all what I was searching for
Trip to Haiti, eh?
Sounds awesome!
Not good at small talk
Or just “shooting the breeze”
So I’ll just say what I came here for…
I miss you
How?
That is an enigma
Why?
Before we met & since we departed
Conversations have not been the same
Topics have lost their flavor
Words from others are dull & stale
Discussions are no longer rich
Conversing just leaves me unsatisfied
I asked you the same question weeks ago
To which I received no response
So I decided to let things “be”
And accept things for what they “are”
But, what the hell is “be” and “are”?
Yes, I know I should stop questioning everything
But questions are how I make sense of things
How can I exercise a “be” and an “are”…
If I do not or cannot recognize them when exercised?
I’m thinking too much
And I’m pissed off
So, let me take a step back
And compose myself a little bit
Time is hardly sacred
Life is actually pretty long
No such thing as missed opportunities
I’m just looking at this glass all wrong
So, ignore the first 47 lines of this poem
Focus instead on the last one only
Here is where I will rest my head
On the strength of words spoken or written
Here is where I lie down my pride
On feelings probably better left hidden
I miss you

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July 1, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hurt or Lie?

Close my eyes
Feel heart race
Panic sets in
Fidgeting begins
Question is asked
Silence given
Bite my lips
Dart my eyes
Reply “um…”
Silence again
Question asked again
Inhale slowly
Exhale loudly
Calm sets in
Close eyes again
Look at floor
Resistance ends
Eyes meet
Hurt or Lie?
Asking myself
Hurt or Lie?
To her, that is
Break my silence
Utter the words
Hurt ensues
So truth may prevail
Easy decision?
Easier said than done
She preferred Lie

June 22, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Friend

Stupid
that’s how I feel because I decided to open up
share a story
express a feeling
and vent some steam
only to feel stupid because you do not care
you respond as if it’s forced
coerced
required
mandated
what ever happened to leaning a shoulder
offering an ear
being there for a friend
as they were for you?
I guess times have changed
and although I feel stupid
that’s only a word used to mask another one
called Hurt
I feel hurt
no apologies for how I feel
what I feel
or what is going on in my life that has somehow disrupted the flow of yours
no apologies for my sorrow
my tears on your shoulder
or my voice in your ear
if I could I would take it all back
if I could I would have kept it to myself
if I could I would wish you’d taken off the mask sooner
give the Friend to someone who wants to use it
I can teach them how over time

June 9, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , | 2 Comments

Marry Me, My Friend

Saturday I went to see the highly anticipated, grossly over-rated, overly dramatic, and needlessly emotional movie by Tyler Perry starring Tyler Perry called Why Did I Get Married Too?  It left me wondering why I wasted my hard-earned money.  Supporting our people is important to me but it is sad how the 1st one was so good just to end in this train-wreck with the obvious intent of a part 3.  Watching this movie got me to thinking about marriage in general.  I am no where close to getting married but I know quite a few friends/associates who are engaged, wondering when their man will pop the question, or in a relatively serious enough relationship to take pre-martial classes individually or as a couple.  I am sad to say I am a divorcee.  But I am happy to say I am divorcee (lol) & not one of the many African-American women who have never been married.  I would love to get married again.  I believe in the sanctity of marriage but, like college, marriage is not for everyone but it is for me.  All of my friends who are engaged are first-timers so I love to hear the little updates on the planning of the wedding, finding THE dress, picking the flowers, finding his ring, and booking the perfect honeymoon destination.  I think it’s extremely cute….like a new mom with a newborn baby.  You see the joy and unrealistic glimmer in her eyes but you whisper to yourself “wait for it…..wait for it” because you know there will come a day when she will wonder “why? why? why?”  Not at the baby or at her husband but at the naivety of thinking things will be picture perfect and problem-free. 

I have been told I think too much about things without letting things flow.  I don’t flow.  It’s not something my mind can do too often but, when it does, it is beautiful.  So I’ve been told.  I treat men like they are my lab rats.  So I’ve been told.  I over-think and over-analyze everything.  I ask too many questions.  I expect too much.  I have expectations period.  I have a timeline.  I have the intention of going from point A to point B but I always end up with a serial point A person who ain’t ready for point B so I take the criticism cheerfully (after some time) and move on.  I know what I want.  The good thing is that guys know up front what my ammo is.  The bad thing is guys know up front what my ammo is (lol).  I say that to drive home how messed up communication is within some of the relationships I see.  It’s not that he thought you wanted A or that you thought he wanted B.  You 2 never talked about it at all!  Relationships involve a lot of talking (partly from women) but the important talks are tabled because it might be too soon, it might disrupt the flow, it’s taboo, it’s always something negative but never anything positive.  Talking about where this person is coming up short, what they do that is a deal-breaker that they have no clue about, or what you struggle to give them so you stay at a safe emotional distance….those are important things to talk about but not all the time to miss out on the fun of making memories & moments.  But, talking about them makes sure both parties are on the same boat, heading in the same direction, interested in finding the same shoreline, so they can bask in the sun along the way.  Communicate.  It solves more problems than it creates.

I don’t think people understand what a marriage involves although they know what a marriage is.  I don’t think people understand what they have to bring to the table or it’s highly inflated.  I think people ask for more from their mate than they are willing to do themselves.  I think people get married because it’s “time” or it’s the right thing to do.  I think marriage has become a step in the overall process of dating/courting instead of the legal confirmation of an already existing committment.  If you don’t already see her as your wife (or him as your husband) then it won’t suddenly happen as soon as you sign the dotted line.  I think most things are a state of mind as opposed to an executed action which is why some things fall apart and others stay together.  Why, in some things, we are totally disciplined while other things trip us up every time.  If you don’t see him as your husband that does not mean you never will….it might mean it’s too soon.  Every relationship should have check points (imo) to access how far the other has grown and/or accomplished their goals they told you about during the early dating phase.  At these check points, the other person should honestly access where they are too as far as their own development.  The basic levels of self-sufficiency are fine when starting out but 2 or 3 years into things, what are your new goals now that you’ve accomplished those?  Do you require him to play your husband when it comes to his money but you play his girlfriend when it comes to the sex?  (I’m sure I didn’t word that correctly) Do you really want to spend your savings on this ring and this new house forcing you both to start off broke but married?  If all these things wash away in another recession, will he/she still be the apple of your eye or a thorn in your side?  It’s funny how some refuse to bend for the person they claim to love or bend too much when that person made it obvious you are a back-up plan.

I remember when I saw the 1st Why Did I Get Married?  I like it.  Some members of my church liked it as well but they disagreed with a part of the movie that involved the husband cheating and never caring much at all about the wife so, eventually, the wife decided to pursue a better man and hand her husband the “ex”.  Church friends said the woman should have gone back to her husband and continue their marriage before the eyes of God.  My point?  Folks always got something to say when it does not involve them.  Let me answer to God, ok?  I’m not afraid to do so.  I know what the church says, I know what the Bible says, and I know how everyone under the sun feels about my situation.  Let me live my own life.  Yes, it was just a movie but people always want to drive & steer your life jumping out just in time before they send you over a cliff killing all you love.  Don’t listen.  To some….listen.  To most….don’t.  The same expectations placed on you should be the same placed on the other person in the marriage.  I hate talking to my grandma about relationships because she want to apply her ancient way of thinking to modern times.  She does not understand that women will not die without a man to control the household.  She is always wanting to marry someone off.  She is always wanting a ring instead of shacking up.  But she is the one who told me she wasn’t happy in her marriage, had kids too soon, and never got to live her life.  The advice given isn’t always the advice they would have taken themselves.  I think marriage is fantastic but I also think we should take the time to develop the friendship part of our relationships.  It’s the only part that can survive a marriage.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….I’d marry my best friend any day over the fine brotha who makes me forget my own name.

April 6, 2010 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Handle-With-Care Friends

FRAGILE_by_HerolenasGazeThis is not the first time and I’m certain it will not be the last time where I have lost friends or had friends step back to collect themselves when I did what a friend should do….tell them the truth.  If you wanted someone to lie to you, take your side on every issue, tell you how right you are on everything, and handle you delicately because you are so fragile then I wouldn’t have signed up for the role but I’m your friend and I actually take a genuine and concerned interest in you, your life, and your well being which translates into caring on my part.  How ridiculous!  Care?  About you?  What the hell?!  It kills me to hear the shock in my friends’ voices when I disagree with them, when I say “well, I think you are wrong”, when I tell them why because no matter how right I am or how delusional I think they are they are stuck on the fact that I am not on their side.  Why?  Why must I side with you?  If I side with you then I’m doing what you are too fragile to handle….hiding the truth.  Whether you agree with me or not, whether we see eye-to-eye on issues or not, whether we ever talk again….I will tell you the truth if you come asking me for my opinion OR if you come to me to vent and complain about someone or something.  What kinda friend would I be if I didn’t?!  Answer that question.

My friends know I have this blog, they know I write about anything I feel like and if someone has a problem they can kiss my butt right before they click the cutesy little “x” at the top right corner of this window.  One friend called to vent about her son’s father (her baby daddy) who wuped their 8 yo because his big butt spit on another kid at school.  Truth be told, her son is a bad lil phucker and she might read this but it’s time to tell the truth….your kid needs a prison sentence to cure the world of his existence OR you should check his scalp for 666.  Either one…take your pick.  The last time our kids played together her son kicked my oldest in his mouth and blood was spilling from my son’s lips & front teeth.  I was so heated I couldn’t even say anything and when she sent her 666 son to his room that pissed me off even more so I took my kids and left.  Since then, I refuse to have your son over because if he brings his 666 butt to my apt I want the full right to wupe his butt.  So, back to the story, my friend got pissy at the father cause he put his foot up the lil boy’s butt for spitting in the 3rd freakin grade.  Now the lil boy says he’s scared to go back to school because if he does something else he’ll get in trouble when he get home….exactly!  My friend told the father that maybe he should ask 666 how he feels about getting wupings.  Come again?!?!  Ask him??  This 666 has been kicked out of every school and summer program and given her a headache so ask him if he wants a wuping or how he feels about wupings?!  SMH!!  I told her I agree with the father and she was pissed the heck off at me….almost didn’t even call me back after that.  Even asked how I could side with him and not her.  Ok, yrs of knowing you does not negate the truth….if your son is 666 then his father’s belt is the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Another friend is acting her shoe size because her mom is dating roughly 4 months after her dad (her mom’s husband) passed away earlier this yr.  We have been close friends forever and, if you look at my Facebook page, almost every pic is of us because she’s my homie.  Well, I did agree that maybe 4 mths is a tad bit too soon BUT I’m not in her mom’s shoes AND we should not tell this grown woman how to live her life.  I put quite a few perspectives on the table such as: maybe mom isn’t used to living alone after yrs of marriage, maybe mom needs companionship in some way, maybe mom is still grieving and this is her coping whether good or bad, and maybe mom needs your support right now instead of your criticism.  Then she went off on a tangent about her mom not watching her grandkids (my friends’ sons) but instead going out on dates with Mr. New Guy.  My thinking: those are your kids and mama gotta have a life too.  Mama took you in rent free to live in her semi-mansion so I’d not piss off mom if I was you but I guess that’s just my thinking.  Since then, we haven’t talked much at all.  When her mom says or does something I comment that it’s wrong but, instead of taking the high road, my friend retaliates which I reply “two wrongs don’t make a right”….haven’t heard from her since.  I’m not saying any one is right…I’m just saying one should see that clearly both are hurting and fighting is only hiding what’s underneath.  Different people react and cope differently when they lose a parent or spouse…I don’t know because I’ve never been there but I need to tell my friend when she’s acting her shoe size and I say so out of love because if I didn’t care I’d let you slowly mess up the good thing you have going here.  Let someone put me and my kids up rent free….you can date the crackhead down the street for all I care. 

My mouth has been an issue on numerous occasions and, sometimes, I have been in the wrong not for what I said but for how I said it so I find myself apologizing although it has the same meaning no matter what words I use to safeguard your weak azz feelings.  I love honesty.  My true friends are honest with me.  They tell me when I’m being a bytch.  A drunk fool.  A slut.  A rude chick.  A lukewarm Christian.  A <<anything else you can think of>> and I take it in stride because, to me, I think they care enough to pull me aside and tell me I stink instead of letting me out into the world further making a complete fool of myself.  It’s funny how the ones who talk shyt left and right are the ones with the fragile feelings.  I’m not going to agree with you 100% of the time.  I’ll have your back in every fight but I might be the one holding your hands down to your side instead of helping you punch.  I actually care.  It might seem the opposite sometimes and you might need some time to finally believe me but to kiss your butt is not something I do and lying to you is not apart of any friendship contract I signed early on.

September 4, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , | Leave a comment

Check The Label

Labeled_by_TwistedTomoI went to Express this weekend to buy something since I had a $30 off coupon and I haven’t been to Express since….I can’t even remember.  Well, I know me and I know that I do not do well with certain articles of clothing such as wool.  I have had a couple of wool sweaters and I currently have zero wool sweaters because, in my state of absentmindedness and need for low maintenance clothing, I always throw them in the washer and they become sweaters for a 3 year old.  Fantastic!  After maybe my third super tiny wool sweater episode, I never bought another one again.  Dry clean only.  I search every single tag to make sure I don’t accidentally buy anything that’s “dry clean only” or I buy it if I absolutely love it and know a machine wash every now and then won’t harm it.  Long-term effects?  Who the hell cares.  I’m thinking about the here and now and “dry clean only” is simply too much work for me.  So, I went to Express and bought three pairs of nice slacks which make my butt look freakin awesome!  I checked the tags….I can definitely handle them.

The point of this post?  I wish people had labels.  Dammit, it’ll save a lot of headache, frustration, explanations, and apologies if people had labels!  To say I am sensitive is true.  To say I am as sensitive as others is probably not true because we are all different and our sensitivity levels vary.  I have a really weird sense of humor.  I don’t like anyone to tell me “no”.  I simply refuse to believe someone can stay mad at me.  I think every obstacle is a chance to find a better route.  I don’t see the negativiity in conflict.  I have a blase attitude towards some things.  I exert enough energy to get what I want.  My daddy spoiled me growing up so I tend to think a guy should continue to spoil me.  If I am stronger than you in any category then I lose respect for you as my equal in that category.  I find comedy in the most awkward situations because life is freakin short and I don’t have time to weep and moan over stupid stuff that won’t make it to tomorrow.  I am pretty blunt.  My sister says I am a wanna be comedian.  You see, her boyfriend works at this gym on the Westside of Chicago.  Well, leaving work one day, he got shot in the face.  It was allegedly a case of mistaken identity.  Fast forward….she tells me I should work out at that gym because they have some classes I’m interested in.  My response: I am not interested in Death Row Fitness.  She didn’t think that was funny but I was on a roll.  I then said if I wanna be the next Tupac, Biggie, or Montsho (her boyfriend’s name) I’ll let you know.  She still didn’t laugh.  Then I said, I might as well work out in Iraq if I stand the chance of being in the crossfire.  Again….no laughter but I was cracking up!  I am a good runner but I can’t out-run a bullet.  Is that a work-out plan at the gym?  Get in shape by out running bullets!  Your way to fit abs and a toned butt!  You see?  He is totally fine and now I’m making a joke out of the situation because she had the audacity to tell me I should work out there.  Do you wanna kill me off?! 

Some people have called me a bitch because I get to the point when I try to be nice, say things in a sugar-coated manner, and nurse someone’s feelings but sometimes this extra effort is beyond me.  If people wore an Emotional tag then I’ll know how to approach them.  If they wore a Sensitive tag I’d know what eggshells to walk around instead of jumping on all of them and laughing like I’m in Disney World while they are crying.  If people wore a High Strung tag then I’d have a well thought out plan.  Or, I’d avoid these people altogether.  I don’t mean to offend, upset, ridicule, aggravate, or even sadden anyone.  I just don’t think you are the right person for my personality.  That does not mean that I have to exclude myself from most of the population but, under extended periods of time, it may be the best thing.  To constantly hurt someone accidentally and to be mislabeled for something I simply didn’t mean to do….it hurts so much I cry.  To offend when you didn’t intend to.  To not be able to be myself, in my full expression of who I am, all because I run the chance of offending someone.  To be the type of person who sees a rift, a conflict, a misunderstanding and want to tackle it then and there….not everyone does that.  To touch and to strike.  I say it’s a touch.  You say it’s a strike.  You say I touched you too hard.  I say I touched you as light as I could.  You say I applied too much pressure.  I say I held back more pressure than I applied.  I am always wrong and I am always apologizing because I can’t do someone who is more sensitive, emotional, and delicate than I.  I’m not used to it but I try it on anyways because I think it’s beautiful but no matter how careful I am I snag you on something.  I don’t mean to hurt someone.  I didn’t think you were that damn sensitive but, when I say you’re sensitive you say “no I’m not” but admit I have made you cry countless times. 

Blogging.  My outlet.  How can you call to vent when I didn’t know you were calling to vent since you never call to do anything at all.  So, imagine my surprise when I see your name on my phone and I think you must have called the wrong person then I realize you are venting and I listen only to be assigned to the Doghouse because I made you feel like an ass.  Hmmm.  You call me to vent.  I answer the phone.  When I need to vent.  You don’t answer the phone.  You barely return text messages.  But…wait!  There is an explanation for your mishaps.  Me?  Of course not.  No explanation and you need additional time to recover from the emotional episode that has just took place because I asked you why you’d called me when I expected a totally different conversation.  I wish I could hold my tongue…but I can’t.  I wish I could hide my feelings….but I won’t.  Why?  Because I’d die if I couldn’t express myself.  I am not the bad person here.  You vent and have the luxury of having a friend like me who answers the phone when you call allowing you to vent.  Reciprocate?  Heavens no!  Fit me in your busy schedule?  Impossible.  But, your tag reads Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah and I am tired of taking the abuse as the bitchy, blunt, rude, arrogant, spoiled, impatient, and stubborn friend when all I have been is there for you.  Check the damn label people.  Check the freakin frackin fuckin label and you won’t be pissed off like I am asking for forgiveness when I didn’t do shit wrong.  I know my label and tell people honestly what kind of person I am because I’d hate to wear a machine wash label when I really require “dry clean only”.  I’ll lose out on some buyers but at least I won’t cause them pain when I’m ruined after one cycle in the wash.  Oh, and fyi, I wrote this for me….you just happen to read my shit often.

July 9, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , | Leave a comment

Selfish Grief

fraying20brown20fiber20rope20against20black20background201**Here I am with another emotional post!  I wrote this a week ago today but didn’t post it but now I am since I’ve had a chance to re-read it making sure I wasn’t emotionally off-kilt with how I was feeling.  Conclusion: I still have the same selfish feelings but I know I gotta let him go in a sense.  15 yrs is a long time to be that easily broken anyways.

I started crying today and I am totally ashamed to admit why but I will because you all don’t know me but those that do shouldn’t be too surprised.  I have this friend whom I have known for about 15 years.  He is engaged.  He got engaged in February and never told me.  He found out I was upset that we’d been friends all these years and that he keeps a secret from me?!  So, he tells me eventually but I never asked when the wedding will take place because I had no intentions on going.  Why?  Hmm, I can’t.  I just can’t.  I don’t think he would mind my absence but I needed to ask just to be sure.  Well, today I asked him the date for no reason other than knowing when to plan something on that exact weekend so I’d have an excuse not to go.  Well, when he told me the date I nodded my head to say “ok” and then he walked away.  About ten minutes later my eyes began to water for no reason at all.

Here I sat trying to shield my face and casually wipe at my eyes as if I had something in them wanting to kick myself for acting like this.  Why?  It took me getting home and figuring that out after venting to my BFFs who know about our friendship.  See, we used to talk all the time and no matter the time of day or night.  We used to talk in the morning on his way to church or work.  We used to talk in the evening when he couldn’t sleep.  We used to talk while one of us got ready to go somewhere or do something.  We’d just talk for an hour or two or just for 20-30 minutes.  In addition to talking, we would text.  Usually if a week or so has gone by and he hasn’t seen or spoke to me he will text to make sure I am ok or even alive.  Just checking up.  Often times than not, I’d text to ask him a question.  If I was thinking about him I’d see how he is doing.  Texting has replaced our phone conversations but that is how we keep in touch outside of church Sunday morning.  Still does not matter the time of day or night but, using this mode of communication, one of us may have to wait til the next day to get a reply but there is never a “are you crazy?! you texted/called me at 3am!”   

Well, tonight at about 11pm I decided to text him this: “would you be upset if I missed your wedding?”  He replied back, “Yes….why wouldn’t you come?”  I didn’t know what to say because I was expecting a, “oh naw, if you can’t make it then it’s cool” but he didn’t say that.  Then I replied, “well, I didn’t think you’d say that” and he said, “why would I not want you there? you are my bestteedd friend”.  I was thinking how can I say, “because I refuse to celebrate with the both of you as she rides off into the sunset with MYfriend!  I was here first and I don’t care how immature or selfish I am acting because I have a right to feel the way I do and it’s almost expected.  She can sex with you.  She can have your babies.  I don’t want you for that but I don’t wanna lose you either.”  But I didn’t say that because the meaning may get misconstrued so instead I replied, “nevermind, I will be there”.

Today I guess I finally came to grips with the fact that I will lose my friend.  He will always be there but not as I have grown accustomed.  Right now, he lives alone but I know I will have to stop the text messages because I wonder if his new wife will have a problem if she checks his phone to see my name in a string of text messages at a ridiculous hour of the day.  I have the utmost respect for the spouse-to-be but I can’t help but have my own moment of grief.  Things will never be the same and I guess I will miss that knowing I have had to deal with things as they have changed over time.  That is why I was crying.  He knows me and when you find that comfort with someone it is hard to see it reduced to nothing more than an occasional hello and hug as you part ways because life changes.  I really know she is a perfect fit for him and he is finally happy because I knew his ex.  His ex didn’t appreciate him in any way and now he has found someone who does and actually understands him.  But must I lose my friend? 

The last time we didn’t see each other was about a month long.  It was cute.  I just stopped going to church for that period of time and, randomly, I showed up one Saturday to help with a Prayer Breakfast.  He was walking by as I was entering the room carrying trays of food and our eyes met and he smiled at me.  He had stopped walking as if he was seeing a ghost and I smiled almost shyly and looked away (you know how church folk talk).  Later he came over and stood next to me and playfully shoved me with his shoulder.  I started laughing.  He shoved me again maybe twice and then said, “it feels like I haven’t seen you in so long” at which he gives me one of those lingering sideway hugs and I knew he had really missed me.  A mutual friend of ours asked me why exactly was I upset and I told him it was because I was losing my friend.  He said that I was losing him in a certain aspect due to the progression of life which is a positive and my time will soon come too so what is more important: a friend I hold dear who has found love or having my full access to him like I always have?  Of course I want him happy so you all know my answer.  It just hurts to think about how much time and effort went into building and strengthening that rope of ours just to see it down to it’s last fray before it’s torn apart.  If it won’t be the same then what will it be?

May 3, 2009 Posted by | Love, Me | , , , , , | 6 Comments

I Remember

lovemagick2009

I remember when I used to say I love you. You would look at me with skepticism in your eyes and a smirk on your face. I remember because it hurt me but I didn’t say so.

I remember when I used to tell you I love you. You would ignore my statement and quickly talk about something else. I remember because I felt like giving up but I just couldn’t and I didn’t know why.

I remember when you were sick I would come by with soup knowing it wouldn’t make things better but that’s what you do when someone is sick….you bring them soup so I did. I watched you smile gently, throw your used tissues onto the floor, and struggle to raise on your elbows so you could eat not remembering the last time you had eaten. I wanted to say I love you but I knew what had happened before so I didn’t.

I remember when you needed someone to talk to and no one was there so I came over and you talked for hours, cried on my lap, and fell asleep in my arms after what seemed like hours putting an end to your horrible day but all I could think about was seeing you finally smile in your sleep. Didn’t matter that the pain hadn’t actually vanished but would return with the rising of the sun….but, you smiled so I knew that for just a few hours in that state of sleep you were at peace. I wanted to whisper that I love you but I was afraid I’d wake you so I didn’t.

I remember when you got your big break and everyone wanted to be your friend even people you barely knew or hadn’t seen in years. I watched you bask in the moment and enjoy the light from God smiling down on you until your big break suffered a slight break and they all left you standing in the middle of the floor with no one left but those who really loved you and little ole me standing off in the corner. They left you with the bill, the clean-up, and the melancholy…I grabbed a broom, turned the music up, and wrote out a check…it didn’t bring them back but it helped put a smile back on your face. I wanted to tell you I love you but I didn’t want to mess up the mood so I didn’t.

I remember the accident and I remember the broken bones. I remember the hospital stay and I remember the prayers. He told us you would need around the clock care and suggested hiring someone but I didn’t trust just anyone with you and no one could take care of you like I could. I remember feeding you even before solids were approved. I remember bathing you when you could barely lift your arm. I remember the embarrassment on your face when you called me from the bathroom because you couldn’t reach to wipe so I did it for you. I remember massaging your muscles in-between rehabilitations to keep them supple. I remember reading scriptures to and with you when you needed encouragement. I remember the day you took your first steps again, raised both arms above your head, and resumed your life as before. As tears welled up in my eyes I wanted to tell you how I love you so but I didn’t know how you’d react.

Then one day, as I sat across from you while we waited for the waitress to return with our dinner, you slid a box across the table and looked at me with a smile on your face. I remember picking the box up and opening it to see a small piece of paper folded up quite a few times. I remember opening the paper carefully and noticing your chicken scratch immediately but I didn’t laugh because I had begun to read. I remember reading:

“I remember life with its many ups and downs and I remember you being by my side through it all. Then, I remember you loving me at one time and I remember the wall I built standing strong. I remember my life but I can’t remember a single time when you weren’t there. I want to remember it that way forever. So will you remember your love for me?”

I remember looking up, seeing you kneeling beside me with a ring in your hand, and I remember saying I do still love you and you said it back to me this time. After all these years I remember and I remember because you needed me to show you and I just needed you to allow me. I remember love but I seldom see unconditional love. When I see you, when I am around you, when I hold you, when I feel you my mind asks me each and every time “if this…will I?”  If this happens…will I stay?  If this falls through…will I run?  If this fades….will I leave?  Every single time the question presents itself and, every single time, I remember unconditional love.  I remember.

March 17, 2009 Posted by | Love, My Writings | , , , | Leave a comment