32B's Blog

…where I write my words

I Miss You

I thought about you yesterday
And a couple of days ago
Then last week sometime
And again today
It seems the further time separates you
The more my mind reminds me of you
Strange indeed
Ran across your blog yesterday
Not at all what I was searching for
Trip to Haiti, eh?
Sounds awesome!
Not good at small talk
Or just “shooting the breeze”
So I’ll just say what I came here for…
I miss you
How?
That is an enigma
Why?
Before we met & since we departed
Conversations have not been the same
Topics have lost their flavor
Words from others are dull & stale
Discussions are no longer rich
Conversing just leaves me unsatisfied
I asked you the same question weeks ago
To which I received no response
So I decided to let things “be”
And accept things for what they “are”
But, what the hell is “be” and “are”?
Yes, I know I should stop questioning everything
But questions are how I make sense of things
How can I exercise a “be” and an “are”…
If I do not or cannot recognize them when exercised?
I’m thinking too much
And I’m pissed off
So, let me take a step back
And compose myself a little bit
Time is hardly sacred
Life is actually pretty long
No such thing as missed opportunities
I’m just looking at this glass all wrong
So, ignore the first 47 lines of this poem
Focus instead on the last one only
Here is where I will rest my head
On the strength of words spoken or written
Here is where I lie down my pride
On feelings probably better left hidden
I miss you

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July 1, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Dramatic Weekend

This weekend was pretty tiresome.  I think I got the most sleep last night than I did all weekend long.  My sister picked up my boys for a night since they were leaving for the summer (not really the entire summer) Thursday which was a busy day cause I had work all day plus am impromptu doctor’s appt for my son and a prescription list amounting to $200 before insurance.  I was trying to get his appt in time for his leaving plus his antibiotics (yeah, it’s kinda bad) so he can be squared away.  Got them in the car with my sis and I went home to sit and do absolutely nothing.  Friday I went to work and made plans to chill with Mr. D – nothing really but sit there and not sit at home doing laundry, cleaning, washing dishes, etc.  We ended up going out to eat at this new place I found on Yelp.com, ordered Kobe (not named after the Lakers bball star) burgers with this amazing sauce, and the best seasoned fries.  We sat there eating, watching random stuff on the big TV monitors, people watched, talking about everything under the sun, and decided where to go next.  I wanted to see Karate Kid (yeah, so not romantic) but at 2 hr 20 mins after a long work day that was outta the running.  Instead, we went to this bar some of his family frequents.  Nice hole-in-the-wall bar with black folks but the drinks were STRONG!  The bartender (who looked like someone’s grandma) filled my glass with pure alcohol and put enough soda and juice to change the color only.  The most potent Long Island Iced Tea ever.

Mr. D drank his down a bit and we traded so the grandma bartender could put more soda in it for me.  She gave me this look that said “liteweight” but ain’t no shame in my drinking game.  I am a proud liteweight dammit! 🙂  It was still too strong so I just sipped it to have something to do.  We ran into a guy cousin I’d already met, I met a sister of another guy cousin, and I met the cousin whose birthday was that night.  I also ran into 2 people from my highschool.  I couldn’t remember their names and they couldn’t remember mine…we hug’d it out and the guy said “you ran track, right”….did I not do anything else in high school?  No clubs?  Class president?  School paper?  No one remembers me for anything but running.  Best compliment ever because I seriously did nothing else lol.  Long story seriously short, I didn’t make it to sleep until about 3am.  The next day I woke up to pick up my rental, finish packin the kids’ stuff, loaded the car up, picked up my kids & nephew so he could come along, and made my trek to Indianapolis totally forgetting about the time difference so I was running late.  Birthday party – awesome!  Kid sleepover – negative!  My friend’s mom was watching the kids for the sleepover which is not what I was told earlier that week so I politely told my friend I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my kids with her mom and I didn’t want to burden her mom anyways.  Both were kinda offended but I couldn’t begin to care less.  My youngest fell holding his plate of cake & ice cream.  My friend’s mom dang then ran me over to wipe the stain from her expensive azz rug.  Why have a kids’ birthday when they can’t do what kids do…spill crap everywhere?  Rich people don’t bother me.  It’s rich snotty people who freak the phuck out when you touch, breathe on, or even look too hard to the expensive crap in their house. 

Anywho, I ended up dropping kids off and making my way back to Chicago since my plans to stay the night were cancelled because I didn’t want my friend’s mom to watch my kids and my friend instead went out with her boyfriend and told me they had no idea where they were going or for how long they would be gone.  Mr. D was kinda pissed about the situation and asked me to get a hotel and stay the night instead of driving on little sleep but I wanted to go home.  On top of that, outside my ex’s apt I was eaten alive by mosquitos.  I was slapping my legs, arms, chest, face wondering why I was being attacked wearing a denim skirt and tank.  I got in the car and scream (literally) from the urge to scratch the million of places that itched but I tried to fight the urge since the little black spots they leave behind aren’t cute.  Instead of scratching….I screamed.  Windows rolled up I screamed and hit the steering wheel in agony.  Pissed, irritated, covered in mosquito bites, hungry, sleepy, 3 hours from home, and my cell phone with maybe half a battery…I wasn’t in a good mood.  Thankfully, Mr. D stayed on the phone with me the entire time (nephew in back seat asleep) to make sure I got home safe.  I made it into the actual city about 1am at which we said our good nights and I promised to call when I made it inside my apt.  I did so at about 130am.  No longer itchy, partly hungry after stopping at McD’s for food and gas next door, cell phone still with a little juice, but still tired and highly pissed.  Mr. D said I have balls of steel.  No balls (trust me, I checked) but made of steel?  I’d like to think so sometimes.

Next day, I overslept, raced out the door to take my nephew home, drop my rental car off, and get back home to lay down.  I couldn’t sleep because I was missing my boys knowing I hadn’t actually said “good-bye” to them because I was wearing my Bitch Hat last night and I had already yelled at them so I didn’t wanna make it worse.  I kinda regret the way I left them but I pray they didn’t notice.  They had their dad, a bag of snacks from their grandma, games, bags of candy from the birthday party, and no school for weeks.  This was Father’s Day and I planned to take my step father to Olive Garden.  I don’t do Olive Garden only because I’m not a pasta person and I’d prefer a steakhouse than Italian anything.  But, it was me, my step father, and my mom.  Details aside, it was a good Father’s Day.  He loves wine but I don’t like the reds he drinks & he don’t like the white fruity ones I drink.  Since I was paying, he let me order Moscato which was really good here.  My mom don’t drink wine so she was looking at us like we were alcoholics.  We finished that bottle after 4 measly glasses.  I went home and finished watching She’s Out of My League.  Hilarious movie!  I fell asleep sometime after I started watching Date Night and was out for the count.  And that was my long weekend.  Probably one friend short until she stop being pissed at me but I didn’t wanna lie.  I had this nagging feeling from day one around her mom.  I ignored it those times because it was me but, with my kids left there, I had to decide.  Friend or not, I will not lie to protect your feelings.  I don’t like your mom.  Point blank.

June 21, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

Sam* & I

Sam* is a co-worker of mine whom I have written about before but I can’t seem to find those posts (translation: I’m too lazy to look for them).  Sam and I have been friends since my first day on the job when I thought to myself “he is the cutest white guy I’ve ever seen!”  We often ran together, went out to eat, and did little Bible studies on the lawn near our office building with several other Christians when the weather was nice.  As time went on, I began to know Sam as I know him today and realized that friends is all we shall ever be (not that I had any elementary hope he would sweep me off my feet or anything…that I will admit to).  We had a disagreement about Christianity.  We had a disagreement about race relations in America.  We had a disagreement about Sarah Palin.  We had several disagreements to the point that I saw imaginary train tracks slowly building between where we stood across from each other and I wondered if two seemly similar people could ever continue a friendship where we see the world entirely different?  The beginning of the end was when I hurt his feelings (so to speak) when I said (in so many words) that I would not follow his God (although we share the same God) if his God truly represented Sam’s views.  He took that as a slap across the face and I looked him straight in the eye never blinking  although my lids begged to shut for just 2 seconds.  I wanted him to know I was serious and standing my ground.  This white man had strolled by the wrong black woman and mumbled the last string of idiocracies I could possibly take.  In my need to “let him have it”, I disgraced my own image of God (whom sometimes I think is made in my likeness instead of the opposite) and hurt someone’s feelings simply because a) he was a typical white boy who thought he knew the world & people based on the books and TV shows he’d watched b) he thought Christianity was the band-aid to cure all the world’s problems and c) he felt the need, often times than not, to correct my grammar and explain things to me as if I was a child instead of his equal (there is always a time and place to use the word “aint”).  That’s not the point of my post though.  My point is that our friendship survived and we have a newfound sense of respect for each other’s view of the world and those who inhabit it with us. 

Last week, Sam asked me to help him choose a date activity for a young lady he’d met.  Sam is a nervous over-thinker goofball who has gone out on millions of dates, does several trainings a year for the company, and is an excellent public speaker but can’t seem to form a coherent sentence (or even a pre-school sentence in crayon on big-line paper) when he sees a beautiful lady.  He suddenly goes dumb!  I laugh and shake my head and honestly begin to agree when he says, “I’m gonna be single forever!”  This folks, is the story we won’t see plaster on newspapers, in magazines, and on TV shows…..The Corporate America White Single Male Dating Fiasco!  He has gone on more dates than I have time to recap but I like this latest one.  Honestly, I liked them all because I am starting to feel sorry for him a little bit.  He is 37 yrs old, no kids, never been married, and celibate.   He just walked by my desk (cubicle) and started talking so, since he’d interrupted me wasting time while at work, I asked about his date.  He said, “I think she’s too good for me”…..huh?!  Was Sam acting like a girl??  My girls and I do this often…we self-doubt, self-pity, self-everything just to have someone say “you are a great person!  Any guy would be lucky as hell to have you!” just to have to repeat it several more times and finally start making margaritas until the person(s) believes it or forgets what they were complaining about.

Apparently, this new chick is 25 yrs old, Executive Director of an organization focused on prostitution and modern slavery, but her main (paying) job has something to do with brand placement in commercials/tv shows/movies, etc.  I didn’t try to lift Sam’s mood because I’m not really good at that kinda stuff (I’m usually the one getting the drink mix out) but I did ask him why he felt that way (I take the psychiatrist role sometimes).  He said because she has accomplished so much in her life thus far, has so many goals still set for herself, and she is a forward thinker which he is not.  I asked him what kind of thinker does he consider himself to be.  A present thinker (I’m sure he made that term up).  He says he thinks of the here and now which explains some things.  Sam is almost 40 yrs old and hasn’t done a single thing with his self.  He volunteers like crazy in his community which is admirable but those things I hear him talking about constantly…he has not done anything about them.  Going to get his MBA.  Completing his CTP exam.  He played baseball in school so he used to coach but he doesn’t anymore but wants to.  He says he doesn’t really have a hobby.  His career is stagnant and, if you ask him, so is his life.  Then I replied “well, this is good because maybe she will add some excitement to your life” to which he says “I don’t understand why she’s interested in me” to which I frowned because I’m not a freakin chearleadery turn-that-frown-upside-down person so I was getting irritated because he required something I didn’t have in me!  I said, “you can do something about your life if you do not like it” and he agreed (yes!) saying he can do stuff like she is and I hurriedly made sure he knew to do these things for his self although she might be a sense of motivation.

He left me to read through her website even saying I should think about getting involved.  I asked “why?” and he said “because you have a compassionate heart”…who me?!  I’m the type of person you’d send to talk down someone about to jump to their death from the Sears Tower and end up forcing the person to jump sooner than they planned.  Me?  Compassionate heart?  I’m not sure about that but I’ll take the compliment as a weird statement to think about later.  Anywho, I seriously hope this woman is “the one” because he is seriously looking to get married, have kids, and poison their minds with his view of God (lol)….just kidding.  He’s a great guy and still a looker but if he interrupts me one more ‘gain with this no-one-wants-me talk while I’m clearly busy doing nothing while collecting a check then I might have to introduce him to angry-black-woman-who-refuses-to-blink….again!

*name has been changed to protect the identity of this sad pathetic person I call my friend.

April 23, 2010 Posted by | Love, Men | , , | Leave a comment

Marry Me, My Friend

Saturday I went to see the highly anticipated, grossly over-rated, overly dramatic, and needlessly emotional movie by Tyler Perry starring Tyler Perry called Why Did I Get Married Too?  It left me wondering why I wasted my hard-earned money.  Supporting our people is important to me but it is sad how the 1st one was so good just to end in this train-wreck with the obvious intent of a part 3.  Watching this movie got me to thinking about marriage in general.  I am no where close to getting married but I know quite a few friends/associates who are engaged, wondering when their man will pop the question, or in a relatively serious enough relationship to take pre-martial classes individually or as a couple.  I am sad to say I am a divorcee.  But I am happy to say I am divorcee (lol) & not one of the many African-American women who have never been married.  I would love to get married again.  I believe in the sanctity of marriage but, like college, marriage is not for everyone but it is for me.  All of my friends who are engaged are first-timers so I love to hear the little updates on the planning of the wedding, finding THE dress, picking the flowers, finding his ring, and booking the perfect honeymoon destination.  I think it’s extremely cute….like a new mom with a newborn baby.  You see the joy and unrealistic glimmer in her eyes but you whisper to yourself “wait for it…..wait for it” because you know there will come a day when she will wonder “why? why? why?”  Not at the baby or at her husband but at the naivety of thinking things will be picture perfect and problem-free. 

I have been told I think too much about things without letting things flow.  I don’t flow.  It’s not something my mind can do too often but, when it does, it is beautiful.  So I’ve been told.  I treat men like they are my lab rats.  So I’ve been told.  I over-think and over-analyze everything.  I ask too many questions.  I expect too much.  I have expectations period.  I have a timeline.  I have the intention of going from point A to point B but I always end up with a serial point A person who ain’t ready for point B so I take the criticism cheerfully (after some time) and move on.  I know what I want.  The good thing is that guys know up front what my ammo is.  The bad thing is guys know up front what my ammo is (lol).  I say that to drive home how messed up communication is within some of the relationships I see.  It’s not that he thought you wanted A or that you thought he wanted B.  You 2 never talked about it at all!  Relationships involve a lot of talking (partly from women) but the important talks are tabled because it might be too soon, it might disrupt the flow, it’s taboo, it’s always something negative but never anything positive.  Talking about where this person is coming up short, what they do that is a deal-breaker that they have no clue about, or what you struggle to give them so you stay at a safe emotional distance….those are important things to talk about but not all the time to miss out on the fun of making memories & moments.  But, talking about them makes sure both parties are on the same boat, heading in the same direction, interested in finding the same shoreline, so they can bask in the sun along the way.  Communicate.  It solves more problems than it creates.

I don’t think people understand what a marriage involves although they know what a marriage is.  I don’t think people understand what they have to bring to the table or it’s highly inflated.  I think people ask for more from their mate than they are willing to do themselves.  I think people get married because it’s “time” or it’s the right thing to do.  I think marriage has become a step in the overall process of dating/courting instead of the legal confirmation of an already existing committment.  If you don’t already see her as your wife (or him as your husband) then it won’t suddenly happen as soon as you sign the dotted line.  I think most things are a state of mind as opposed to an executed action which is why some things fall apart and others stay together.  Why, in some things, we are totally disciplined while other things trip us up every time.  If you don’t see him as your husband that does not mean you never will….it might mean it’s too soon.  Every relationship should have check points (imo) to access how far the other has grown and/or accomplished their goals they told you about during the early dating phase.  At these check points, the other person should honestly access where they are too as far as their own development.  The basic levels of self-sufficiency are fine when starting out but 2 or 3 years into things, what are your new goals now that you’ve accomplished those?  Do you require him to play your husband when it comes to his money but you play his girlfriend when it comes to the sex?  (I’m sure I didn’t word that correctly) Do you really want to spend your savings on this ring and this new house forcing you both to start off broke but married?  If all these things wash away in another recession, will he/she still be the apple of your eye or a thorn in your side?  It’s funny how some refuse to bend for the person they claim to love or bend too much when that person made it obvious you are a back-up plan.

I remember when I saw the 1st Why Did I Get Married?  I like it.  Some members of my church liked it as well but they disagreed with a part of the movie that involved the husband cheating and never caring much at all about the wife so, eventually, the wife decided to pursue a better man and hand her husband the “ex”.  Church friends said the woman should have gone back to her husband and continue their marriage before the eyes of God.  My point?  Folks always got something to say when it does not involve them.  Let me answer to God, ok?  I’m not afraid to do so.  I know what the church says, I know what the Bible says, and I know how everyone under the sun feels about my situation.  Let me live my own life.  Yes, it was just a movie but people always want to drive & steer your life jumping out just in time before they send you over a cliff killing all you love.  Don’t listen.  To some….listen.  To most….don’t.  The same expectations placed on you should be the same placed on the other person in the marriage.  I hate talking to my grandma about relationships because she want to apply her ancient way of thinking to modern times.  She does not understand that women will not die without a man to control the household.  She is always wanting to marry someone off.  She is always wanting a ring instead of shacking up.  But she is the one who told me she wasn’t happy in her marriage, had kids too soon, and never got to live her life.  The advice given isn’t always the advice they would have taken themselves.  I think marriage is fantastic but I also think we should take the time to develop the friendship part of our relationships.  It’s the only part that can survive a marriage.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….I’d marry my best friend any day over the fine brotha who makes me forget my own name.

April 6, 2010 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Let’s Talk for a minute…

My 4 yr old has eyes that sparkle like gems when he smiles.  Sometimes I think my own eyes are playing tricks on me but I swear when he’s really excited or giddy, he laughs this angelic sound and this eyes turn into a brilliant spectrum of white lights.  I can see happiness in his eyes and it makes me smile.  His smile is adorable.  His eyes squint really small reminiscent of his dad’s Cherokee blood. He melts my heart instantly.  I always wonder how he could be so cute.  My oldest has out grown his child-like cute phase and has now turned into an inquisitive annoyance that catches me off guard when I don’t answer his question literally or if I answer it in riddle form which only sets up another round of questions and I want to scream.  Not as annoying as I’d like to think but quite impressive because the boy can dissect through any and every thing.  He has big dark eyes which are alluringly sinister only because he hides behind this innocent look and people actually fall for it.  But not I!  I invented that look….who do you think he gets it from??

Then I wonder about the future, what will happen to me, what will happen to them, and what will happen to this world around me and I wish for a moment that I’d never had kids at all.  No one to make me feel the kind of pain that only a parent would feel.  When I added the tag widget to the left side of this blog, I had no idea I write about God so much.  I don’t question God but I do wonder why we are here just to die and suffer great pain at seeing our loved ones go.  It only dulls the pain a tad bit knowing I might see them again but who’s to say that’s true?  Faith only calms me for so long before I want someone from the other side to let me know if what I think awaits me is fact or fiction.  It’s Russian Roulette with my soul.  What if I make the wrong decision?  I remember that story in the Bible where a man died but he didn’t listen to all the prophets or whomever had come to warn him to live right and confess God as his Lord (I’m paraphrasing like I’ve never paraphrased).  When he died, he asked if he could go back and warn his loved ones but his request was denied because they should have their own chance to make their own decision as he had.  To heed the warnings or ignore them.  If I had known what I know now, I would not have reproduced & brought offspring into this world of mass confusion where no one knows anything but everyone swears they know everything. 

I whine about how unfair life is sometimes (tried to not end that sentence with a preposition which I do often).  Not about material things because I don’t really care too much about that stuff.  I complain about folks who find happiness by way of a intimate relationship with someone of the opposite (or same if that’s your preference) sex.  I thought I’d done everything as right as I could.  No, I didn’t wait til I was married to have sex but I did marry the first guy I had sex with.  Does that count for something?  Now, girls have sex tapes, sleep with football teams, and get trifling nicknames and here I am wondering what I’m doing wrong.  The world will lead me to believe I am too much on the straight and narrow so that’s my problem but, then again, I wouldn’t go the opposite way if given the choice because it’s not really me either.  I have no friends here.  I know a lot of people but not a single one I actually like.  Everyone is younger (my sisters), older (translation: boring), usually married (they bring their husbands everywhere), or too immature to enjoy the things I do.  Then I sit and wonder what it’s all for which leads to me thinking way too much so I put on my music to calm my brain down and I’m back to normal again.  Sometimes life can be boring.  I don’t want to work all the time.  I don’t want to sit in church all day.  I don’t want to sit in the house all week.  I don’t want to spend my free time with folks I can’t stand.  I don’t want to run myself to death (or to anorexia).  I don’t want to think about everything there is to think about.  I don’t want to so I wonder what is there left to do.  After all I’ve done throughout the week with the kids, work, running, and a little church sprinkled here and there…..what else is there left for me to do? (I am sure my grammer sucks!)

My point?  I have none.  I’ll grab something to snack on, register for my big race this year, talk to my bff from 2 states away, watch a movie, and then fall asleep just to do this all over again tomorrow.  One day, I need to find my calling because this existing to say I lived is not working for me anymore.  No, my calling is not in a church….that much I know for sure since no one can seem to keep me there long enough to hold down a position.  Usually when I think about God, unlike other topics in the world, the best way to handle it is to not think too much.  The simplest thought is sufficient.  You ever feel the need to pray?  I was about to do something (can’t say because it’s prb TMI) when I felt the need to pray.  I didn’t pray though.  I knew the insistence to pray was present for a reason but I didn’t.  I just sighed loudly and did not do what I was about to do.  You know what else I hate (well, I didn’t actually say I hate anything but ignore that part), I hate women who don’t act like women.  Maybe it’s because all the women I know are married or single Christian women having sex like it’s bread given away at the Last Supper or virgins who don’t know the uphill battle I face sometimes.  I wanna talk about masturbating but I heard that’s taboo because if I speak it then something blah blah blah but if I don’t speak it then I fake the funk like everyone else.  Maybe I can’t find folks like me because I don’t seem embarrassed about anything, ashamed about anything, or self-conscious about anything.  I am a tad bit too uninhibited to be a good little Christian girl but, for some reason, I am one.  How the hell did that shyt happen?!

February 8, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I The American

American_Flag_2This past weekend along with it being Father’s Day, I went out with some friends I work in the same building with.  Our original plan was to go out in Boystown (Chicago’s Gay section) but someone’s male friend wasn’t comfortable going so we had to raincheck that idea.  Instead, we went to Rock Bottom’s rooftop patio bar.  The plan was to meet at 9pm which turned into 930pm.  I was taking the train from my apt so I made it there kinda early but it was such a gorgeous night out that I didn’t mind.  Summertime in Chicago is the best time!  I wore a dress since I have been in skinny jeans mode for the last month and I felt extra girlie too.  I wore a dress both times I went out in Indianapolis a couple weekends ago so I guess it will be while to get me back to covering my legs. 

So we all gather and here is the breakdown: 5 Mexicans, 2 Germans, and 1 American.  Why did I break it down?  Because they felt the need to do introductions consisting of their name (for those I didn’t already know) and to announce where they are from and, since I was the only one in this group born in America, I was officially “the American”.  Strangely weird because I usually say I am African-American but I guess with this group African only applied to my ancestry and not my country of birth which is all they cared about.  So, when we compared different aspects of our respective countries, all eyes turned to me when they asked “how is blah blah blah done here?”  I became the representative for America.  Such a high position to have for a short period of time.  LOL! 

Also, I took the time to practice my Spanish and realize I don’t know as much as I think.  I do but I pronouce the words horribly wrong, talk way too slow for the language, and I still can’t roll my tongue for the double “R” sound.  With drinks in hand we all raised our glasses with the Chicago skyline overhead and said Prost/Salud/Cheers.  Prost (German)….Salud (Spanish)….and Cheers (American English)!   We discussed other German words that I can’t remember today but, if you were there at the time, I was fluent in some German words for about 5 mins tops.  Adriana (Mexican) was telling a story and she said her friend got smugged.  I said, “what?!”  She repeated, “smugged.  Isn’t that another word for robbed or stolen?”  I started laughing and said, “smug is arrogance.  You mean mugged!”  It was really cute.  She pulled out a little book with English words in it too.  Steph (German) talks really cute like she has cotton balls in her mouth or something.  Anything boring that I say in my everyday language sounds much more fancy when she said it in her accent. 

I guess the one thing that was different at our table was the American drinking a mixed drink and everyone else drinking beer.  Of course the Germans were drinking some kinda German beer and the Mexicans were drinking American beer, and I was drinking good ole girlie American drinks.  I keep saying “the Mexicans” and the Germans” which is kinda rude so let me name folks this once: Adriana, Alex (Adriana’s hubby), Steph, Thomas, and three other Mexican guys whose names I can’t remember, and me.  Afterwards we went to a bar to dance on an overly muggy and crowded dance floor.  It was kind fun because Thomas was kinda tipsy from his German beer so he and Alex started dancing (off beat) in the car but not to the normal songs I thought they’d like.  They were dancing to Coolio, Kanye West, Fergie, The Roots…..it was hilarious!!  Afterwards, on the way home, Steph offered us gum called Air Waves from Germany that I just put in my mouth without asking a single freakin question about what kinda gum it was.  Well this gum is like a potent cough drop because it killed my alcohol breathe, cleared my sinus passages, and I could smell people from the next city over.  Who the hell needs Listerine?!?! It sure the hell woke up Thomas….they should sell that in America.

But, that was my night out in the great city of Chicago.  Maybe before Steph leaves for German to stay we will get to party in Boystown.  I can only hope 🙂

June 24, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Alter Ego

alteregoSome people claim they have an alter-ego.  Others swear they have one.  I just know I do whether people wanna believe me or not.  My alter-ego is not a different personality per se but someone who protects me from others.  Normally, I am sweet, shy, and lovable.  Once someone pisses me off and/or hurt me then that is when I need protection.  Me in my normal personality would get my butt walked all over on but, Deena, she don’t let bitches say shit to me.  She tries to stay within the confines of what I would do but with the guarantee of getting results.  This would be an opportunity to blame stupid shit I have done and said on Deena but I don’t because I know, in the end, I must be held accountable for me and what happens.  She does come in handy when I want to do something but don’t know how to….I bitch up and get the bitch out….easy.  When I can’t fathom cursing someone or being rude to someone who deserves it because they have bitched me too long then I get the real bitch out.  She doesn’t strive to hurt people…she just wants to give you what you seem to enjoy dishing out. 

Where is all this coming from?  This past weekend…this weekend was great but, Deena feels like he is full of shit.  Cow manure left out in the hot sun with flies buzzing around…that kinda shit!  It was great.  It meant a lot.  Looking forward to the weekend.  No drama and just fun.  Poetic.  Deep.  Intimate.  All what he said.  In my head at the time, I felt weird and confused because I thought we were to resume our friendship…threw me for a loop I suppose.  Well, friendship should be the underlying foundation…often times it is not….call it what it is.  So, Deena asked me….”are you Jessica II?”  Am I?  The dumb chick who played the toy for a year without caring whether she had a commitment or anything past “friends”.  What the hell happened to black and white?  When did someone mix them? Blur the line I knew I had drawn in the mud?  Where is my fucking line?

D is cool, looking to have fun, chill, relax, get back to the basics.  Deena is on guard because she has picked up the scent of bullshit in the air.  I don’t argue with her….she is normally right….most of the time she is right.  I smile because I know what’s coming….that same ole tired Misunderstood song….did someone steal my violin?  He is about to start singing!  Ok, Deena is typing most of this and, yes, this is my reason for typing stuff that is sooooo off the wall from other stuff I would otherwise type.  But, it is what it is….Jessica was a big-boned chick and I am a small boned chick.  I don’t resemble her nor do I plan to be her.   A++ gutted your heart out and threw that shit to the floor, pierced it with her stiletto, and walked away laughing never knowing she was leaving you to bitch up.  It’s cool….now, let’s get back to where we were…friends.  I had this conversation with idiot #1 last week….this is becoming a re-run….same script but different cast.

Step aside, Deena…..ok, there has been a mix-up somewhere between A and Z.  Now, this is how it will happen and you can wipe boo-boo-the-fool off my forehead sweety.  Texting to find out how I’m doing.  Calling to take me and my kids out.  Wanting to be all boo’ed up.  Calling me honey, babe, sweety pie, and crap.  Getting upset when you can’t see me.  Tryna blind me with what you think I wanna see.  Tryna clog my ears with what you think I wanna hear.  If I am wrong…..then I apologize.  If I am not, which I am sure I am not….better luck next time.  Maybe he was right…you are out to hurt me….y’all were supercool back in the day….maybe this is one man calling the other man out.  Takes one to know one ya know.  Both you bastards fuckin suck!  Sorry….that was Deena with that last line…she is still kinda pissed.

March 4, 2009 Posted by | Me, Men | , , | Leave a comment

Opposite Sex Thoughts

penisSitting at my desk at work eating spaghetti and chicken I cooked last night with a headache because I just left a two hour meeting in which my team (2 people) was supposed to do a training but we were not prepared so it has been postponed.  I sat and wanted to kick myself for that because I REALLY wanna get this presentation over but I should have got off my butt and did the set-up myself!  Instead, we discussed our “project of the year” and, since my entire morning consisted of additional things getting added to my plate….correction: platter….I thought I’d write something about my random thoughts as I finish eating at my desk before diving into my sh*t load of word of which I am grateful to have because that means I remain employed for at least another year….longer if this massive project has the results we hope (pray) for.  These are random things aka stupid sh*t that guys have actually said and/or done….

Random Thought #1:  Why do I constantly hear men say they prefer a woman who wears matching underwear?  Ok, if you tryna get some ass and I have on a yellow bra with silver moons but my panties are black & white polka dot….are you gon’ say “hell naw! I’m cool”?  It is that big of a deal if my bra happens to be yellow and my panties black & white polka dots?  I know you prefer matching sets so, suggestion, buy me some.  I someone wanted to give you $1,000 but only had $50 bills will you turn them down because you want $20 bills instead?  I prefer you to have bigger equipment…let’s all pick our battles wisely since one can be changed and the other can’t.

Random Thought #2:  Why do some guys do something for you just to get you to do something you previously said ‘no’ to?  This guy has been asking me out since I met him oh about a year ago.  He is cool but at least ten years older than I am, nothing really going for him, but he is in the church.  So, we remain friends but he is persistent!  I had a problem with my door lock at my apt that needed to get fixed.  My landlord works third shift and I wanted it done ASAP esp with Bonshaquita Tequila Jenkins living downstairs and roaming stray cats (previous blog).  So, I ask if he can fix it for me real quick, he comes over, takes his time walking up the stairs and I knew then he was up to something.  This is the lock to the front door mind you.  He walks in, sits his tool bag down, looks around, comments on my apt, has a seat on the couch, start talking about Obama who was speaking on the TV, and then he finally gets his azz up!  He takes his coat off, does about 10 mins of work before realizing that the metal piece was out of line with the locking piece.  Unscrews and re-screws those….done!  Then he says, “so what’s for dinner?”  I don’t know….but it’s a couple fast food joints on your way home.  Then he says, “well, you can have dinner with me in exchange or maybe we can grab a pizza or something.”  Fuck!  Trifflin bastard….I think I feel a case of amnesia coming on….huh?!  What door lock?  I don’t remember that at all!

Random Thought #3:  Why do guys ask how long you have gone without sex and then offer themselves as if you even want sex much less them?  We were just talking and I think I was on my chocolate binge because I had been going so long I was fiending REALLY bad!  I was eating chocolate like it was no body’s business and had gained maybe five lbs which ain’t much if you start off at about 110 lbs.  So, he asked, I told him and he said, “dang girl, I’ll help you out with that.  Want me to come over now?”  Huh?!  Hell naw!  I am not having sex by choice and why you trying be a Good Samaritan and offer up your raggedy goods?  I don’t want that!  Somebody think waaaaaay too highly of themselves and our friendship. 

Random Thought #4: Why do guys lie and say, “Hey D.  I’m with my boys let me call you back” and think you are one blond strand away from Jessica Simpson stupid?  This guy, who I have been friends with for months now, called me.  I didn’t hear my phone so I called him back maybe 10 mins later….he answers the phone whispering and in a rush….tells me this lie….then gets off the phone.  First off, I know all your trifflin friends you hang out with….Travis and D’nic….you have even put them on the phone with me several times and I have Travis’ number.  You have called me from their house, in the car with them, on the way to the club with them, on the way back from the club to drop D’nic off at his girls’ house cause she texted him to say she horny and need him NOW!  As you can see, I have been there on a lot of his boys’ night out trips via the phone, but, this one time he gotta whisper when any other time they yell in the background “is that fill-in-my-name?”  Yeah, this guy was with his girlfriend….why he gotta lie?!  I don’t know….I knew he had a girl but what I don’t know is why he keeping me a secret from her?

Random Thought #5: Why guys waste texts messages talking about stupid sh*t?  One dude texted me to say he was bored….ok, what am I supposed to do about that?  Another texted me to say he was thinking about me…..I said “awww that’s sweet”….he replied “it’s true”….then I thought “did I say you were lying?!”  One texted me to ask if I was going to call him back.  If I ignore your last 5 calls then let’s just assume the answer is “no”.  Another texted me to ask, “when I see you again, can I eat you?”  Ummm, wtf?!  Is that a for real question?  Then I started acting stupid….”what do you mean when you say ‘eat me’?”  Sure enough he meant what I thought…that was definitely a first and I am wondering how trifflin are you?  Where have your lips been?  And when was the last time you’ve been tested?!?!  Wanna eat something?  Go eat some penicillin and anti-viral pills…just in case.

Random Thought #6:  Why guys ask me why I am still single.  I tell them it’s because I am a b*tch and a complication in itself.  Then they respond, “no, seriously”.  Why does everybody think I am lying?!  Then I introduce them to B*tch.

Random Thought #7:  Why do guys always have something to say about R’dub (my guy friend)?  They always say he is up to something….got ulterior motives….tryna get in my pants.  Then I mention the fact that we have been friends for damn near 15 yrs and then they say, “he just looking for the right opportunity.”  Yeah, and in all these years, that opportunity never came around….un huh.  Insecurity or jealousy ain’t nowhere near cute!  My fav is this though, “I’m a guy and I know guys and I know he ain’t been your friend all this time for nothing.”  So, it’s impossible for someone to be my friend all these years unless they tryna get something from me?  And, you a guy too so y’all both think alike by sheer male species something?  Lastly, if it’s been this long then I will say ‘nothing’ is probably ‘something’ and you don’t know what a friendship really is.

Random Thought #8:  When guys say they aren’t ready to be in a relationship but they will have sex with you.  He didn’t say this outright but he did say, “when you ready to go down that road then let me know”.  This is what he said concerning a relationship, “I wanna get to know you better first.”  Right!  Running in me don’t require anything special….but a relationship does.  Having sex is soooooo impersonal but a title is sooooooo the opposite.  Someone fell for this one too many times for him to say this with a straight face because I was soooo about to laugh when I realized he was serious….dead serious…and said it like he was looking out for me!

Random Thought #9:  When a guy says he want a girl with pretty feet but he got yellowish brown teeth!  I said both colors because the roots are brown and the tops are a yellowish color…it’s like they fade from dark yellow to light yellow as they go up…..like a paint job or something.  His breathe is always fresh but his teeth….dude….do a mirror check because you check off your own want list. 

Random Thought #10:  Why guys always say I am the complete package and they love how I keeps it real.  What does keeping it real really mean?  That I say stuff without tact…censor…when I should hold my tongue like normal people do?  And, what is a complete package?  I guess that is a compliment so I smile and say thanks.  Other than that, I don’t know.  I find myself being the chick guys come to to complain about their girlfriends.  When did this happen?!  I don’t mind the questions….I give feedback with a disclaimer that I am not God….and suggest better communication because, having a second opinion is always good but, don’t tell me more than she herself knows when I ain’t in the relationship. 

Ok, those are my random-azz-unrelated-to-anything-important thoughts.  I guess I should get back to work now and finish drinking my tea.  Until next time….which is probably tomorrow….adios amigos!

February 11, 2009 Posted by | Men | , , , , , | Leave a comment