32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Hurt or Lie?

Close my eyes
Feel heart race
Panic sets in
Fidgeting begins
Question is asked
Silence given
Bite my lips
Dart my eyes
Reply “um…”
Silence again
Question asked again
Inhale slowly
Exhale loudly
Calm sets in
Close eyes again
Look at floor
Resistance ends
Eyes meet
Hurt or Lie?
Asking myself
Hurt or Lie?
To her, that is
Break my silence
Utter the words
Hurt ensues
So truth may prevail
Easy decision?
Easier said than done
She preferred Lie

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June 22, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Friend

Stupid
that’s how I feel because I decided to open up
share a story
express a feeling
and vent some steam
only to feel stupid because you do not care
you respond as if it’s forced
coerced
required
mandated
what ever happened to leaning a shoulder
offering an ear
being there for a friend
as they were for you?
I guess times have changed
and although I feel stupid
that’s only a word used to mask another one
called Hurt
I feel hurt
no apologies for how I feel
what I feel
or what is going on in my life that has somehow disrupted the flow of yours
no apologies for my sorrow
my tears on your shoulder
or my voice in your ear
if I could I would take it all back
if I could I would have kept it to myself
if I could I would wish you’d taken off the mask sooner
give the Friend to someone who wants to use it
I can teach them how over time

June 9, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , | 2 Comments

Sunday

I went to church yesterday because I sincerely wanted to be there.  No one knew I was coming.  I got up, got dressed, did something decent to my hair, put on my boots, and got out the door.  I took the train since it gets me there faster which means I can take as much time as I want getting my butt ready and still make it at a decent time right after Devotion.  I got off the train and was walking down the platform to the stairs leading to the street below where I will walk the 1 block to the stairs of the church when I heard a guy screaming from the direction I was walking.  I looked up curious and saw another guy bending over a guy on the ground.  All I saw was his fists going up and down swinging on whoever was laying on the ground behind the bin I couldn’t see around.  The voice was likely from his entourage….I don’t know and I didn’t stay to find out either.  I did a 180, walked to the other exit, made sure no one was following me so I wouldn’t have to grab my stiletto boots from my bag and use it for what it was not intended, made it down the stairs to the street, and called 911.  I told them what I knew and what I saw and the lady promised to send a car over quickly.  In the movies, someone in my position would have yelled out “hey!”, walked over to see what was going on and take the chance of either breaking up the fight or becoming a part of it.  At 5’3″ 125 lbs wearing a sweater dress….that was not a smart move!  I could run like the wind but fight….I have no intentions on ever doing such a thing esp not with this masterpiece God gave me to sit on my neck. 

I got to church and I felt….weird.  You know how you feel like the Pastor is talking to you but isn’t really talking to you because you don’t know for sure.  The church needs help in so many ways.  I don’t have anything in my power to help and, even if I did, I doubt it would do much good.  I did inquiry about a tutoring program but that’s every Friday evening which would be asking a lot of me with 2 kids, in the hood, after dark, and no car.  I don’t mind tutoring but it’s too much of an effort and risk on my part to get over there and back home.  Does that sound selfish?  A lot of people have come up to me saying “haven’t seen you in a while”, “we missed you”, “are you back?”, “where have you been?”, etc.  I think I know which man in leadership keep hitting on the women although he’s married lol I know because he said something strange to me and, in my attempt to walk at the speed of light in the opposite direction, I almost walked into a friend of mine.  Walking into him I said “hey!” kinda surprised and thankful lol we hugged it out.  Ok, I probably shouldn’t admit this because my friend is now married but I swear he has a nice butt or maybe it just looked nice yesterday.  I was sitting in the sanctuary looking at him from across the room as he was talking to my oldest son.  I was watching how nicely the material of his slacks draped over his butt and how those same slacks moved oh so nicely with each stride he took.  I was honestly kinda mesmerized thinking to myself, “I don’t think I ever noticed his butt before”….in church.  I mean it really looked good and I was really staring hard and thinking all kinda thoughts but the main one was, “I bet you he giving it to his wife real good!”  Shameful…..I know.  To be thinking this in church….I know.  But, I have to admit I have a problem with men and nice butts.  It’s his fault.  He shouldn’t have turned his butt toward me leaving me nothing to focus my eyes on and he raised his shirt to put his hands in his pockets likely on purpose so I can get a better view of his butt.  I was a helpless victim here.  Completely helpless!  But, then I shook my head in shame when I realized what I was doing and I looked elsewhere for the remaining time I was there.  Didn’t stop me from reminiscing about it as I write this blog though.  Hmmm, I hate to see you leave but I love to see you walk away!

Other than that, every thing was good. I talked to Mama Allen, said hi to a few people, got my things done, and realized what Mama Allen always used to say, “I’m not here to please people. I’m here to do God’s work”.  My sister always says, “why you even bother going to that church?!”  I don’t think I know the answer to that question.  I don’t even think I care to know the answer anymore.  Only one thing keeps me coming back so that’s all that matters.  I always wondered how cordial church folk should be to each other.  How friendly we should be.  How fake we should be out of respect.  How real we should be.  Human interaction annoys me!  I love you but can’t I love you from afar?  I do that with non-church members all the time and it works out fine.  Some can’t get along long enough to help someone else and then folks wanna pray about it and on it.  How about more effort than leaving it in God’s hands.  How about you consciously make the effort to not be a bytch every time you get here?  How about you stop with the little snide remarks?  How about you look grateful like those songs you sing about in the choir stand?  How about we, one person each, make a conscious effort to like each other and work on the love part when we get there cause some of y’all I might leave stranded in the middle of the road.  Ok, not really but I’m just saying.  It’s the winter and I don’t have lots to do at the church much less a means to get there.  I don’t like the neighborhood.  People stare at me when I’m around there as if I’m foreign.  I get in and I get out.  But, this is the people we are supposed to be helping.  Church is not the building….it’s the people.  I think I’m a good person in general I just keep failing this People course so no I don’t dislike going to church….I just dislike some of the people who happen to show up there around the same time I do.  And they probably dislike me too.  At least I have a good poker face lol so I’ve been told.

January 11, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , | Leave a comment

What Am I Looking For?

polaroid1I get asked this question a lot and, until recently, I would give the same answer….a relationship.  When I replied “a relationship” I was thinking along the lines of a romantic monogamous commitment between a man and a woman.  Fast forward, I realized I was trying to fill a void quick, fast, and in a hurry that I wanted what I knew I didn’t need at the time just to appear like I was normal.  How irritating it can be when someone finds out you are single and they say, “Oh, you’ll be alright.  You’ll find your special someone soon.”  I know!  Did I look sad?  Depressed?  Lonely?  Single is sometimes equated to embarrassment and not as what it should be…a time for me to grow and just live solo for awhile. 

Recently I was asked this question and I replied, “I don’t know” because I really didn’t know.  I don’t know if I said “I don’t know” because of who was asking or if I said “I don’t know” because I truly did not know at the time.  After some time to think about it I now know what I am looking for and what I need….a friend.   I have my girls who have been my friends for years now.  We have been through it all and seen each other through it all.  Never had a guy like that.  Maybe because most want sex, think since you are being nice you are offering sex, or think playing as my friend will eventually lead to sex.  Sex is always something they want to add to the equation which is why that has yet to work out for me. 

But, I will say I have had friends who didn’t want sex.  They were just cool with me just because I am a cool chick.  However, notice I used the word “had” because these friendships didn’t last either.  Why?  Because they simply suck at being a friend.  They violate friend code of honor, lie, backstab, act two-faced, and anything else to resemble an enemy of mine than a friend.  So, that is what I want.  A friend from a guy.  The hardest relationship outside of a marriage to sustain.  But, what constitutes a friend?  Depends on who you ask because people are looking for different things and have different needs. 

What am I looking for in a friend?  Someone I can be me around.  If I can’t act silly and stupid and serious and b*tchy with you then I just don’t think this will work.  All of my personalities have to get their introduction for you to even begin to think you know me.  Someone who knows me and would know what I am thinking, what I would say, what I would do, and how I generally am.  Without entertainment, someone who I can talk to for hours and be in complete bliss.  Without anyone but us, someone I can engage myself with and care less about time.  Someone I can trust.  Someone I can confide in. 

Without the uneasiness and shallowness usually present in romantic encounters, this is usually harder to come by because I don’t care what you have or who you are wearing…what kind of chemistry or connection do we have?  Can I cry in front of you about stubbing my toe and you wipe my tears while thinking “she is such a damn baby!” but only say it afterwards for laughs?  Can we stay up all night talking about our lessons learned in life and never once feel ashamed about what I have done and told you?  Can I just be me without being judged?  Can I come over with my hair wrapped and my scarf on?  Can you see me with my “house clothes” on and still chill like I ain’t wearing every color of the rainbow? 

Try being my friend, meeting all of me, learning me, and just have fun in the process.  A relationship is something I am not ready for just yet but, if I find a good friend who happens to be a man, then what that evolves into is simply fate and not force which is the way it should be.  Then, I just might get the buddy and the booty! 🙂

March 1, 2009 Posted by | Men | , , | Leave a comment