32B's Blog

…where I write my words

My Hatred

I thought I knew who I was
until I looked my hatred in the face
She refers to you as Allah
while I simply call you God
I only know what her religion teaches
which differs greatly from my own
I accepted our differences humbly
but must acknowledge what seethed within
Her head-dress elicits my hatred
I desire to spit in her face
Water-boarding and inhumane torture
She deserves it all and much more than that
Inside I surprise even myself
but then I read/hear/see the bombs explode
I convince myself that my God shall win
while she is convinced that Allah has won
Jesus does not teach what I feel
nor will He ever condone my inner struggle
Tears well in my eyes as I admit this
knowing that God already knows the same
Hate never wins
Only Love prevails
But the definition of both words
differ as much as our beliefs
So, who is right and who is wrong?
How many more deaths and bombs?
Involved in a war without an end
shall mark the end of all wars
My God, in Jesus’ name, forgive me
for the death I wish upon her and her kind
It is so easy to hate and difficult to love them
impossible to try when there’s still blood on their hands
I thought I knew who I was
until I looked my hatred in the face
She refers to you as Allah
while I simply call you God

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May 31, 2010 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Angry black folks….let it go!

Haiti has been discussed thoroughly and, at times, over discussed.  It’s all over the television and, of course, there is questionable methods and terms the media is using to cover the story from the display of violence, calling the people “looters”, and portraying the nation as uncivilized basically.  I don’t know how true any of this is and I do not really care to know.  I sent money because there was a need.  I have no desire to go there to help out in any way because I know I am unskilled in every thing they need help in.  My best move was to send money and pray the nation recovers to at least a better predicament than it started.  I do not agree with that televangelist guy who claims the Haitians made a deal with the devil but I wasn’t gonna write a blog about it because it’s just not true and there is nothing my lil ole blog can possibly do other than voice my opinion to folks who may intentionally or accidentally stop by and read it.  Then what?  Absolutely nothing.  I’m just a chick with an opinion….get in line! 

My pet peeve is when black folks decide to complain about how white folks could care less about brown people in despair, about white people having an issue with Obama sending so much money over to Haiti when we have our own crisis here, and/or about white folks who would probably reach out to fair skinned folks before they’d ever do the same for dark skinned folks.  It’s 2010 and, last I checked, some white folks flat out don’t give 2 shyts about black folks.  It’s not news anymore.  I’m not sure it ever was.  It’s sad…yes.  It’s defeating to a certain extent….yes.  Does it change me, my life, or anything involving me?  No.  I get tired of reading some black folks’ blog about the plight of black folks and everything black.  When a black issue arises you best believe almost every black blogger will dissect it till it no longer exists.  If black folks are having a tragedy and white folks don’t be A, B, and C in the order and way most black folks want them to then black folks bytch and moan about it.  I am not saying we aren’t entitled to shake our heads, kneel down and pray about it, or even complain about it to someone who will listen.  All I’m saying is….this is not new information!! 

Honestly, I don’t hate white people.  Honestly, most are truly good people who just end up with their foot in their mouth from time to time.  Honestly, I never grew up in a Jim Crow south, during slavery, or during any times where black folks would still carry that resentment and find it hard to let it go.  My grandma was the same way before she died.  White man this white man that white folks won’t let you blah blah blah white people will blah blah blah.  It’s not utopia and there are azzholes of all color but black folks, some black folks,  refuse to let some stuff go.  A white guy says something racist….ok?  A white woman does something racist….ok?  I love chicken.  Fried chicken with watermelon on the side.  Should a white person be surprised by that?  No!  Some things just are and some people just are.  Some black people scream at the top of their lungs for white folks to apologize, to give us back whatever we are owed, to jump through this hoop to prove my skin & hair doesn’t offend you, to do this entire list including give you everything they own as well as your 1st born to help Haiti.  Then what?  Then what??  If they did all that will you feel better?  Will it heal the hurt from generations ago?  Will it make Haiti better?  Will it remove the resentment you have?  Will it make you sleep better at night?  Stop trying to change folks and change the way you react to the situation.  You can call me a nigga every day of every year, burn a cross in my front lawn, and leave buckets of chicken at my front door even throwing a watermelon through my front window for all I care.  I must go on with my life and move pass the past…but I’ll eat the hell outta that chicken (if it’s not poisoned).  One lady even commented about how a white woman went on vacation to this luxurious island while folks were dying in Haiti.  So, this lady who happens to be white should have cancelled her trip until the world is at peace and everyone is doing well?  She’d never take a vacation EVER!  Let her go chill on an island and sip drinks with an umbrella in it….you sound like you hatin’.

Not everyone is required to feel the same compassion or tugging at their heart strings as we do about our people.  Human compassion is one thing but we all know blacks/negros/colored/niggas aren’t as well liked in 2010 no matter how much we’d like to think times have changed.  Feel the way you do and you help as much as you can but please don’t get your panties in a bunch because ole white girl from down the street let “f*ck those darkies over there” slip from her lips because she didn’t know you were standing nearby.  You do your part.  Obama is probably the most hated black man alive but he still has to go on and lead this country the best way he knows how.  You think he has time to wallow over all the complaints?  What every white folk has to say?  Or what every black folk has to say?  People will be people.  One day everyone will all just get along.  One day we won’t see color.  One day there will be harmony.  One day.  It’s ok to expect human compassion despite skin color or ethnicity but it’s also wise to keep at least a toe dipped in reality so we don’t lose too many to this fantasy world where every white person cares about the plight of black folks…it’s just not true so accept it and move on with your life.  Please!

January 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

“How” to forgive

It’s 3am on New Years Eve and I can’t sleep.  My eyes are tired and my body wants to sleep but it’s futile until I empty my mind since shutting my mind off is nearly impossible.  I read a friend’s status update on FB and it angered me.  This person was not talking about me and I may be wrong to assume what situation he was referring to but what I do know is that his words were laced with unforgiveness.  I could smell it from the computer.  It stinks.  This status angered me because I do not want to see him still bothered by this situation, angry at those involved, or trying with all his might to push folks away thinking that will get him over what happened.  He was innocent in all this.  Not sure who was guilty if there was a guilty party.  I remember one time he called to ask me how I was able to forgive.  It’s one of those questions that catches you off-guard because, in all honesty, you really don’t know yourself!  I tried to say all the Hallmarky stuff like “because I needed to to heal me”, “because I had to let it go and set it free”, “because I turned it over to God”, “with the help of the Holy Spirit”, “because the Bible says we should forgive”, “by prayer and fasting”, “through pray alone”, etc but those were all “why” answers.  The day he asked that question was about 2 months ago and I can’t remember my answer for the life of me but whatever I said, more than likely, didn’t help him because I am sure I rambled.  I didn’t have a great synopsis of “how”.  I just knew I had and he saw I had too.  I wasn’t so much as angry but bothered by his status.  Ok, lol, I was angry and then eventually it turned into sorrow because when you are the innocent party completely blind sided you realize that it takes more than cutesy little words to convey what needs to be done. 

He is Muslim.  I am a Christian.  We believe in the same supreme being although we both call Him something different.  I am not good at getting all spiritual on folks because a)I’m the last to talk, b)I hate when people do that to me, and c)our spiritual differences is what divides our world today so I try to seek common ground to stand on.  Same God.  Same overall principles which includes forgiveness but, whether he worshipped a different God or no God at all, we all are bound by the same humane rights and laws toward one another.  It’s hard to forgive because we are used to seeking revenge in society so we want the same closure on spiritual grounds (imo).  The book I’m reading called Not The Way it’s Supposed to be – A Breviary of Sin (Cornelius Plantinga Jr) has some good things written although I just got to the first chapter:

“…modern consciousness does not encourage moral reproach; in particular, it does not encourage self-reproach.”

“Self-deception about our sin is a narcotic, a tranquilizing and disorienting suppression of our spiritual central nervous system.  What’s devastating about it is that when we lack an ear for wrong notes in our lives, we cannot play right ones or even recognize them in the performances of others.”

“Sin is a hard heart and a stiff neck.  Sin is blindness and deafness.  It is both the overstepping of a line and the failure to reach it – both transgression and shortcoming. Sin is disruption of created harmony and then resistance to divine restoration of that harmony.”

“Even if secularists do not think of their wrongdoing as an affront to the living God and would be unlikely to call it sin, they, like everybody else, do note, resent, and augment injustice, lawlessness, envy, meanness, and other indignities.”

Religion aside….forgiveness is hard from all angles no matter the background and it leaves a scar esp if you were innocent.  We all lose our wings at some point in life and we all remember the moment we lost them and never looked at the life the same – good or bad.  Right now, and much of my life, I have had a problem with male ministers.  It started from my childhood with my dad, then my childhood pastor, and has continued to this very point in my life.  I start off fresh, get hurt, work through forgiveness, and jump back in optimistic again.  It happens again.  I forgive again.  My thing is I don’t go back so I’m not sure if forgiveness involves going back or simply being able to survive with a soft heart and no ill will.  I have plenty of reasons why it’s good to forgive and there’s many I can quote from books, from the Bible, from the Quran, or from history.  It still does not answer the question “how”.  “How” is where it really gets tough, you take more steps back than you do forward, and your foes are handing you towel after towel enticing you to throw it in.  So what do you tell someone at this point?  I don’t know “how” but I know I don’t mind my battle scars anymore….I’ll be getting my wings back anyways.

I’m off to sleep and to ring in the new year alive I hope 🙂 Happy New Year and please don’t bring any baggage with you!

December 31, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , | Leave a comment