32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Jump With Me

aliveSometimes I wonder how I would approach life if I had never removed the rosy colored glasses from my face.  If my innocence was still in place.  If I hadn’t seen, heard, and experienced so many realities of life.  We all know we go through life and we undergo some severe to minor difficulties but, in the last 24 hours, it has lead me to think of how so many of my present actions are governed by my past.  Some things you do because they belong to the Prevention column such as stop at an intersection, look both ways, and then cross the street once clear.  It prevents accidents whether fatal or not.  Other things we do because they belong to the Wisdom column such as forgiving someone who has hurt you, loving when it’s much easier not to, allowing yourself to make mistakes because it’s apart of life, cherishing every moment given because you’ve seen youth die prematurely, and letting go of something or someone who is just not for you.  Lastly, there is that Experience column that I sometimes run to before the Wisdom column.  Experience tells me that everyone is out to get me, trust no one, put your needs before everyone else’s, and lash out at those who want to get closer to you.  It’s happened before so I have learned from experience having taken the negative aspects instead of the positive that are held in the Wisdom column.

I have this fear of letting people in whether male, female, platonic, or romantic.  I have been hurt before.  I have been lied to before.  I have been cheated on before.  I have been abused before.  I never had a wall or a guard but now I have enough to lend to others.  I never worried about the realities of life because I was secure and cuddled in my warmth of innocence.  Yes – it’s always good to be cautious.  To be careful.  To make sure things and people are legit.  To safeguard yourself and your heart.  But, often times than not, all this is too much work.  I wish I could start all over and erase my own memory.  Love like I have never been hurt before.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful!  No baggage.  No “he/she did this so you will too” or “that’s exact what my ex said before he/she left me”.  I want to live free of fear that my past will come back to haunt me or snatch my joy as soon as I find it again.  I want to live free of worry that the money I currently have saved up will be enough if I stay disciplined and not leave me homeless without food to eat or the same clothes on my back day in and day out. 

For once, I want to take an eraser and completely remove the Experience column and focus on the Wisdom one instead.  Where is all this coming from?  Someone told me that they care about me and that I should know that.  I should know that but I deny it.  Why?  Because I don’t believe it.  Why don’t I believe it?  Because “he” said those exact same words and “he” left me in a pool of my own tears.  Someone told me to trust them, to open myself up to them, to not throw mixed signals but to completely let go.  It terrified me to sit and think of the last time I did that and what this person was asking of me.  It sounds very simple but, to me, it was like this person had asked me to jump from my second floor apt window into their arms while a furious fire raged behind me and all because they said they’d catch me.  For a split second Experience made me walk back from the window directly into the flames to be engulfed and die instead of trusting again.  I seriously thought about walking into the raging fire instead of jumping from the damn window!  Perspective makes you realize a lot of things that run through your head that you actually think makes sense.  If only I hadn’t <<fill in your worst life experience ever>> then I wouldn’t have this problem.  But because I <<fill in your worst life experience ever>> I will still live life as I should.  Fear free.  Phobia free.  Cynical free.  Pessimistic free.  Just free.

I can’t rewind time.  I can’t restore my heart to its original state.  I can’t erase all my bad times.  I can’t seek revenge in hopes of healing myself.  Everyday the sun rises and the sun sets.  Everyday I awake to at least see one or the other.  I never really gave that person an answer other than “I will try” but what I really want is for them to grab my hand and jump with me.  If I must open up and trust you then we both should do this together.  Deal?  Deal.

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June 13, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dear God

writing3Father,

 

I am trying to be strong….in the face of fear and I mean this literally, I am trying to be strong.  I try to do what I think you would want me to do but I don’t see anything improving….I guess an improvement to me would be its exit from my life but that has yet to happen.  Why?  I asked to you take it away but it is still here.  I asked you in tears and it is still here.  I asked you sincerely and it is still here.  Am I breaking?  No.  Is my faith wavering?  No.  I know too much and have too many great examples to know better.  I know who did wrong, who did well, and why you thought they had done well.  But why me?  You remember Job?  He was a righteous man….upright….God fearing.  You said that about him to Satan.  You remember?  That is not me.  Righteous?  Upright?  By nature because humans walk on their hind legs but upright in a biblical or moral sense?  God-fearing?  What does that even mean?  Did Satan ask you about me?  You remember he asked about Job?  Tell that muthafreak to keep my name out his mouth!  I didn’t curse….wanted to but I didn’t….he always starting ‘ish!  Or did you do this?  God?

 

I do not hate you.  I prayed to you.  I talked to you.  I outright pleaded with you.  Nothing.  Part of me wants to be upset.  Part of me wants to think you don’t hear me.  Part of me wants to think you have left me.  Part of want to think you despise me.  Part of me wants to think you are laughing at me.  Part of me….  Because I can’t sleep!  I sleep but a full night’s rest?  I forgot what that is like!  I wanna cut my own ears off.  I wanna poke my own eyes out.  I wanna turn off all of my sensory abilities.  I wanna dig a hole and crawl in and never come back out.  I have no peace I my own home!  I can’t relax in my own home!  I can’t exhale when I get home from a day at work!  I miss my home.  I miss my sanity.  I miss my boring uneventful regularly routine life. 

 

It is starting isn’t it?  My thoughts….when I feel them I try to re-direct them.  Instruct them to go away.  Sometimes I feel like I am not me anymore.  I am strong but only as strong as you are.  I am wise but only as wise as you have made me.  I am equipped but only as equipped as I know you can make me.  So why now?  Why this?  Why me?  Why?  While we are taking about unanswered prayers how about an answered one….I asked you to take something away and you didn’t.  I did the same thing I did before that I am doing now but for a completely different.  I asked for a sign that this is where I need to be…that sign being a text message with a scripture….I got that.  Fast forward, I asked for another sign from you (suddenly I felt like Mz. Gideon over here) but this time I said a scripture in any form of communication….I got that too. 

 

So, you see, I know you hear me….I know you do.  I won’t cry….that much.  I won’t worry….at all.  I won’t be afraid….entirely.  I will wait for you….yes, my of little patience….I have no choice but to wait.  Well, I do have a choice but I think if this is really a test I will surely fail with flying colors and that is something I do not want to do.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will recite my scriptures so that it and you can hear me.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will sing to you for it can hear me too.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will talk to you and let it hear and see me talking to you.  All I ask is that, tonight and each night thereafter, you send the Comforter to me so I don’t feel as alone as I do sometimes. 

 

XOXO,

Me

 

January 29, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fearful?

woman_screaming1Saturday I told this guy that he calls too much.  Let me explain so you all can accurately gauge my mental capacity.  We have been “dating” off and on since July 2008.  He takes me out all the time, pays for everything, is nothiing but a gentleman, we even spent the day with me for my birthday and sang to me.  He sings all the time … better him than me because broken glass is dangerous!  Our last date was this past Saturday evening.  He picked me up, we drove to his suburb becuase he was going to cook my fav meal but we both didn’t anticipate the snow that night so it took longer than normal to get there.   We canceled the home cooked dinner for another night and we out to eat instead. 

Me being me I asked why he was going to cook my fav meal.  He said because it was my fav, he has never attempted to cook that dish but he will because it is my fav … I was still confused but I know me so I tried to just shut up.  We went to a new restaurant maybe 3 blocks from his apt.  Walking up to the door I could see they had big screen TVs so we could watch the game (basketball) but they also had a fireplace which gave it a cozy feel.  We slide into an oversized booth and he says, “this could end up being our place.”  I look at him and said “what?” … he repeated what he had just said at which I replied, “you are such a girl!”

Dinner was great.  We ate, laughed, talked about random stuff, talked about careers, ordered drinks … mine was fantastic but his was horrible!  He told me to taste it before he sent it back … I could still kill him for letting me put that nasty stuff in my mouth!  It was vodka with olive juice …. ewwwww!  After dinner we went back to his place and that is where things end … seriously.  Well,  the next day he calls me … he stopped texting a couple weeks ago and now calls often.  I, being me, asked why he calls everyday … he said he does when he is thinking about me … if true, he thinks about me a lot.  I asked why he pays for everything if we are (these are his words) ‘hanging out’?  He asked if I had a problem with it … no if you continue to pay so I shut up again.

My problem … I don’t know what he wants.  We have been out a lot … I think he is awesome ….. one day I texted him to see if the Giants were winning since I wasn’t at home in front of the TV.  He said they were losing and about to lose …. I was pissed because I love Eli but I digress.  So, we started talking football and I said this is the worst NFL post-season ever because all 3 of my fav teams weren’t going to the Superbowl.  We asked me to spend Superbowl Sunday with him.  I was kinda surprised by that but I said “sure”.  He said he was gonna go to his guy’s house who was throwing a Superbowl party and wanted me to come with him … “come with you?” I thought to myself … “come as what? Your groupie?”  I didn’t say that out loud but I did kinda mention something along the lines of ‘flavor of the month’.   think I self-sabotage myself or freak out when a guy begins to get too close or I just don’t like gray areas and prefer an actual label or I overthink things or I really do expect linear love from A to Z or I am simply afraid of getting close to someone so I go after those who don’t want me.

This is the time to evaluate my mental condition….trust me, I know what you are thinking!

January 22, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | Leave a comment