32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Afraid –> Excited

Today I want to cry because I am afraid.  I am supposed to get my kids back for the summer this weekend but I mentally feel like I have not had enough “Me Time”.  It sounds selfish to non-parents and probably to other parents but I can’t pretend to care right now.  I submitted my application for graduate school, sent in requests for transcripts, and even looked at classes I can take this semester.  I am afraid I cannot do it.  Working full-time, running part-time training for the Chicago Half, having the kids full-time, & trying to have a social life….I’m not sure I can fit in being a part-time student.  However, I really want to take classes and I know this is the moment I have been planning for.  I had no idea when it would come but I knew it would so I waited.  Not always patiently but I waited still.  Being busy keeps my mind busy and keeps drama low in my life because I do not have the tolerance for it.  I swear too much time or sitting idly is a recipe for disaster. 

I told a friend that I was afraid.  That I didn’t know if I could pull it off.  That I’d actually have to find a evening sitter, make the commute downtown, sit in class for almost 3 hours, make the commute back home, and then eat/sleep.  The next morning I would run or, depending on the day, I had already ran that morning.  Getting in my mileage now means 10+ mile runs which drains the body if you do not properly fuel or re-fuel and, even if you do, sleep is in order naturally and the best recovery you can give yourself.  Sleep.  Will I ever find it again?  They say the best things are worth fighting for and I know the doors that will open if I go back to school on someone else’s dime which makes it even sweeter.  Only 2 classes a semester – not bad at all.  Once September is over, my running schedule will either remain the same or decrease.  Then I have sorority meetings I totally forgot about – this is really starting to suck.  Maybe I am freaking out.  Maybe I need this overdrive moment to stay focused.  Maybe I sincerely need to lose focus on other things in my life.  Maybe I need to hang up some hats until further notice.

Another friend of mine is getting married 🙂 Another friend is enrolling in graduate school 🙂 Another friend is having a baby 🙂 Another friend just got promoted 🙂 Another friend is closing on their first home 🙂  All my friends are doing well & all my friends are enjoying life despite the difficulties.  I guess their joy & blessings make me less worried about my own.  They are doing it so why can’t I?  Not the marriage part, I have no one in my life I want to marry but I am excited about going back to school since it’s been 5 yrs since I got my Bachelors degree.  I am excited about running 13 miles this weekend for the first time in my life!  I am excited about my credit score increasing 20 points since my last quarterly report.  I am excited that I reached the halfway mark for my emergency fund account.  I am excited that I can let go in faith & live my life knowing I have no regrets.  I am excited.  Change is scary as heck but no one can live my life for me so if I want it I gotta do.

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July 30, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | 2 Comments