32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Mr. Law School Thus Far…

It seriously snowed for the first time this winter and it looks really pretty out.  Cold but pretty.  My kids went out twice Saturday and once Sunday to play in the snow making full use of their new boots, gloves, and snowpants.  I have my final exam in my overall math/finance/econ/stat class this week.  I just finished my Stat lesson and now know with complete certainty that I hate Statistics.  I barely made it through Econ.  I have come to the conclusion that anything that requires reading theories, concepts, or ideas is boring, boring, and boring.  If I am calculating something with a little bit of reading here and there then I am A’ok.  If I am reading a lot of something with a little bit of computing here and there then I am falling asleep. 

Mr. Law School…I haven’t written anything about my conclusions thus far but I think it is time.  It has been one month and I am confused as hell.  We have had 4 dates for each 4 weeks we have been dating.  First date, we met at Starbucks, we walked over to Borders to shop for our kids, and then grabbed a bite to eat at Leona’s.  Good 1st date although I had a heat attack at the beginning in the uber hot Starbucks location near my sister’s apartment.  Second date, we went to grab breakfast at this chicken & waffles restaurant out south, went to his church for service, and then went to see For Colored Girls.  Third date, we went to play pool at this place near Oprah studio, had a couple of drinks, watched the Bears game on the big screen, and just chilled/played pool for about 3-4 hours.  Fourth date, indoor picnic at his place (this was following Thanksgiving and I already told him I wanted to try his jerk turkey & his mom’s seafood dressing) complete with picnic blanket, picnic basket, my favorite wine, and jazz music playing in the background.  After the picnic dinner, went to see Love & Other Drugs which I mentioned wanting to see.  After that, we sat in the kitchen eating more Thanksgiving leftovers, talking until 3am, and then falling asleep (innocently, I might add). 

The best thing I like about him is how he treats the women in his life – his mom, sister, aunts, and daughter even still gushing over his grandmother who passed away.  When his dad was out-of-town, he stepped in to take over as the man of the family on all fronts.  I won’t list every little thing but, overall, it is an excellent quality.  The worst thing I do not like about him is his mouth – attitude, rude, and often times sarcastic unnecessarily.  We have been out several times when he has done some questionable things to those in a customer service role.  More times than not, the person was indeed at fault so I too thought it was bad customer service.  I just thought he should not have reacted the way he did, got down to their level, or even should have played the “mature” or “bigger person” card instead.  One moment I literally had to close my eyes and shake my head in embarrassment because I felt like I was out with a teenager who had just got upset at another actual teenager instead of letting it roll off his back.  His explanation?  He has to say something, has to let them know, has to be blunt because that is who he is…..blunt.  My response?  I get the whole honesty thing but some battles are not worth fighting esp when I just wanna go find our seats instead of listen to you argue with a 16 yr old girl who clearly failed Customer Service 101. 

We talk a lot on the phone and, at first, I was still trying to figure him out why he did things in public like that.  For a while I was walking on eggshells not sure if something I said was going to start an argument, not sure if what I was feeling would start a debate, and not sure if what I questioned would end in a psychoanalysis on his end.  His Masters degree is in Psychology….trust me, he makes that clear every single time he decides to diagnosis and analysis every word I said, how I said it, and what the underlying tone of it is.  And I thought I over-analyze things!  Then he says “go with the flow”….I’m trying but your current is not flowing with mine most of the time.  So, to not start a fight I decided to chill.  Going with the flow allowed me to open up more, show more of my personality, say what I felt without worry of his attitude, and just be me.  That period was good because now I know more about his personality, sense of humor, habits, etc.  It is a learning stage I guess and a chance to figure out he can alter and what is innately who he is. 

He survived my emotional week recently which says a lot.  I too survived many of his emotional periods as well.  One time, we had been talking on the phone for hours and I was tired.  We said our “see ya laters” and I hung up.  Not even 5 minutes later, he texted me this emotional message about not knowing if I wanted to be here, how I felt, if I was taking him seriously, etc.  What?! I called to talk about it even reminding him that maybe he should have mentioned this over the phone instead of sending me 4 text messages back-to-back to which he says, “maybe I am having a male PMS’in moment”.  Ya think?  When he has a hectic weekend coming up, that Friday I will say “look, I know you will be busy so I will talk to you next week” to which he asks, “why would you do that?” to which I respond, “well, you are going to be running around like crazy so I thought it would be easier for you” to which he says, “no, I will call you still” and I say “aight”.  He does call even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes and he always says “I’m just checking in with you” or “just touching bases” and I say “aight”.  He involves me in conversations with his parents and sister often putting them on speaker phone or vice versa so now they know who I am without having actually met me.  Or, he might tell them something I said while I am still on the phone like we all know each other already.  Weird?  He told me to text, call, or say what I feel when I feel it.  Ok.  But, when I do that, he pulls away or acts like it’s nothing as if my cutesy girly text messages on a whim are commonplace.  But, when he does uber mushy stuff, he expects me to react and acknowledge it as if I should be honored.  Is this a game?

He hates my million and one questions so I have found a way to ask the main one(s) and leave the build-up questions off the table.    He has his daughter every weekend so we go out every other weekend it seems now.  To get in our “quality time” (he introduced those words….not me) he comes by or we go out for breakfast every Tuesday/Thursday morning.  We watch television shows together via phone when we are apart and, although I know that is extra lame, I do not admit that out loud….he does though.  I think it is cute because he seems to be in touch with his feminine side which most guys will never show or admit.  We love talking about the Bears games and other football stuff often even talking about the NBA which I royally hate.  He has even accepted the fact that I would marry Drew Brees if given the chance in a heartbeat (no offense Brittany….you two still look cute together).  Have yall seen those commercials with the Mrs. Brees jerseys?  Yeah, I want one so bad!  And a Gould Bears jersey or one that just says “Da Bears!”  He knows I do not cook often or have this passion for cooking.  His family is rooted in the south so that is hard to comprehend at time.  I cannot think of anything else he has outright said that irritates him about me other than my questions, my emotional PMS days, and my passionless cooking.  I cook…I just do not think it is a “fun” task.  Necessary but not fun.  Interesting but not life altering.  Cool but not the sh*t. 

None of my friends really like him.  My sisters do not really like him.  They like parts of him but they aren’t sold on whether we would be a good fit.  Their opinion does not matter, I know.  My last dating experience ended badly because of financial references I made and that he is still not over yet (build a bridge sweety).  This situation does not have those but I do notice some careless spending when it comes to his daughter which, like I told myself when it comes to someone’s kids, I do not plan to even touch with a 10 foot pole.  Yet.  But, I mentioned it so it’s there and I needed to at least write it down as an observation.  And, that is how it stands thus far.  Tonight we talked briefly before another attitude exchange.  He called, told me his daughter was in the shower so he had a few minutes to chat before they sat down to watch some dance show on Disney.  I was in the middle of reading Stat and understood that his night was winding down so I said, “cool, well will I talk to you tomorrow?”  to which he said “is that doubt in your voice?  Why would you say it like that as if you won’t speak to me tomorrow?” and my entire being is wanting to scream…..OMG!  It was a normal question because you are checking in with me like you always do but your evening is tied up with some daddy-daughter time so let me not interrupt and I will talk to you tomorrow, ok?  A rhetorical question is what they call those.  No doubt.  No answer needed.  No assumption.  Nothing.  Just a question to signal ending the call knowing that you are busy and I need to get through this last horrendous Stat lesson.  I was so confused I just hung up the phone not knowing what or how I messed that one up.  Tomorrow he will call or text with one of his inspirational voice mails or text messages about being blessed to see a brand new day and wishing me a prosperous day at work.  Never have I felt so out of sync with jacked up communication like men really are from Mars.  Why does it feel like a game?  A tug of war?  What am I doing wrong here?  I do not want to argue.  Thus far, being single without anyone checking in or taking me out on dates sounds more peaceful than what I currently have.  Thus far….

December 6, 2010 Posted by | Life | | Leave a comment

Forever and a Day

…that is how long it feels since I have posted anything. 

Personal Finances – I am currently at $6,000 with my Emergency Fund balance.  I tried to create a budget when I realized that what I created was really just a listed of all my fixed costs per pay period.  Looking at my fixed expenses and not forgetting smaller ones that hit my account by ACH was really good.  I realized I cannot cut anything more than my freaking cell phone bill which is ridiculous.  I did set up another checking account which may be temporary but I need to see where my money is going or else I will continue to be confused.  My primary checking account is where my pay check is deposited, where I use Bill Pay for free, and where I have automatic debits set up.  My second account is now for anything in excess of my fixed costs which I have titled my Variable Spending (going out, shopping, etc) account since it can be as variable as I want post-bill paying.  I will calculate everything I need to pay for these 15 days and leave that amount in my primary account, transfer the excess into my Variable account, and make my deposit into my E-fund account as well.  This seems like a good solution for me and the second account has no fees and a separate ATM card which is cool too.  I should reach my $10k goal by June 2011 if no emergencies arise (Lord please!) and I stay disciplined with my spending.  Christmas is always a test though.

Running –  I have been running maybe twice a week or thrice if I can get it in.  Still in a blissful state right now with no pending races, no training, and no need to hit a certain distance or time other than laying the foundation for Spring season.  Running for fun is in!

School – I have about five more weeks til the end of this semester.  Thus far, I expect an “A” in my Executive Leadership class since I have gotten A’s on the last 3 of my 6 assigned papers.  Part of the final grade is class participation which involves discussions so, since I hardly (translation: never) raise my hand to say anything, I hope I don’t get a “B” based on that.  But, knowing I should participate instead of being an active listener never makes me raise my hand even to say “I agree with whatever you just said”.  My Finance/Stat/Econ class is wrapping up as well.  I have 2.5 sections to complete and then the final exam.  I should be finished with my lessons by Thanksgiving (it is a work-at-your-own-pace class) so I will have ample time to go back over the material since I can only take the final exam once.  I do not plan to take any classes next semester but I do plan to take 2 this summer while my kids are away at their dad’s.  I want to take this Accounting class I keep hearing about from students in my class.  Apparently, the professor moves kind of fast so it is intense and not to be taken lightly.  I would enjoy the challenge.

Dating – I went out on a date this past Saturday which went pretty well.  Background information: 29 yr old single dad with a young daughter, Bachelors in Political Sciences, Masters in Psychology, and currently in his 2nd year of law school at Loyola University.  We have a second date tentatively planned for this weekend – a jazz place I have not been to which he claims is the best in Chicago.  We met up at Starbucks in Hyde Park which is near my sister’s apartment who was watching my kids for me.  It was about 40 degrees outside but 90 degrees inside this closet-sized Starbucks location.  I walked in and almost walked out I was so hot!  My nose started draining like crazy and I apologized for the rudeness but I needed to wipe it clean as he handed me a Hot White Chocolate which is like my favorite drink.  He suggested we walk down to Borders which was a good idea because the cold air felt great against my skin.  I felt like I was having a heat flash.  We bought books for the kids, talked, then made our way to Leona’s to get something to eat and sat there for maybe 1.5 hours talking some more.  It turned out better than I expected so that is a plus. 

Randomness – I got business cards!  Yeah, that exclamation point was only because I felt I should be excited.  A manager suggested we all have personal business cards for networking which I thought I should have had years ago but better late than never, right?  That are a brown color with a white swirly design since I like warm neutral colors and have my static contact information on them.  I gave my family a card like they don’t know me and I still have about 245 more to give away.  I am not good at promoting myself but I guess I should get better at it.  Also, weeks ago, I send a tweet to BGIM suggesting she write some of her recipes on her blog and she did this pork chop one which I actually have most of the ingredients to try.  I do not mind cooking but if I can cook something creative (my recipe or not) then my kids might grow up thinking mommy was not a total failure in the kitchen.  And, I got my Cajun injection for my Thanksgiving turkey!  I am uber excited to possibly eff up my Thanksgiving dinner but I am willing to for the lesson learned.

I have the above picture as my desktop at work.  It is called Life – I like it.  Hasta Luego! 🙂

November 8, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , | Leave a comment

Superficial??

The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.  I heard that line years ago but I cannot remember where.  Well, that is sooooo not accurate.  Trust me, it has only worked to unattach yourself from someone and attach yourself to someone else extremely prematurely and for all the wrong reasons.  It has been almost 4 weeks and counting.  Weeks ago, I had no intention on dating but I was encouraged by some and encouraged to just be completely single by others.  I feel more comfortable being single but I met 3 guys just to say I was trying or to show I was “moving on”….whatever that means.

Guy #1 was cute.  Kind of stocky as in former football player form who exercises now for recreational purposes.  37 years old, one kid (college aged daughter), and Christian.  He sent me a compliment via message, then asked if we can talk later, and then gave me his phone number.  I didn’t call at first.  We continued to send messages back and forth but it was maybe the second message that rubbed me the wrong way.  He asked about my relationship with my ex-husband to which I said we get along great without any drama.  He replied something along the lines of “wow, that is odd” to which I replied “we have only had drama when it came to child support paid regularly and keeping a job to pay that child support but, other than that, we have absolutely no issues”.  The guy’s exact response was, “wow! you guys get along like that..lol. i dont know about that. it sounds like he may still have access!, i mean you guys do have kids together”.  I was offended by the word “access” so I asked him to explain what he meant but first I had to state that I am not the chick who stills sleeps with her ex.  He said, “all i said was a comment that you took too defensive. I mean i wasn’t thinking of you being any type of woman, maybe i said that because if you and i woul’ve got close…..i dont play games or share the person that i like . So therefore to me , you seem like the type you want your way with a attitude !..lol, and i might be to aggressive for you.”  What?!?!  I wanted to scream at how he poorly wrote this passage of words (he kept using I’am which is not a freaking word)….how did you pass English?!  Even I write lazy sometimes but some of this hurt my head to even read and comprehend.  Secondly, you don’t share the person that you like?? So you do think we are still fuckin on the side?  Great!  Insult me as soon as you can and then say I am wanting my way with an attitude.  Not only that, prior to this discussion he kept going on and on and on about how women say they love you but then they leave you when you are down and out.  I could tell some woman had done him wrong so I felt sympathetic.  I asked him what happened but he said he didn’t want to talk about it but he is doing good, he has God on his side, and he will be ok.  Ooooook, he gave an entire speech about how he was strong and will make it but, honestly, when someone is that vocal about their strength it might indicate he is still hurting.  So, this assumed spoiled hoe with an attitude (me) never talked to him again.  He sent me another message (I did call to talk via phone and clear up any misunderstanding but it was an epic fail) a day or two later that I did not reply to but all he said was how beautiful he still thinks I am but two egos would never work.  What?!?!

Guy #2 was a tar man lol I like the dark brothas!  He is 31 years old with a slim toned build, nice dark skin, Colgate smile, and he is really nice.  He was born in Africa, lived in the UK for some years, and moved to the States a few years ago.  He plays soccer (constant running in some form so that was great), no kids, never been married, and he seem to have good answers to many of my millions of questions.  The bad thing?  I cannot understand a damn thing he is saying!  I got tired of saying “huh?” or “what was that?” or “I did not hear what you said”.  Oh, I heard what he said but I just could not translate it cause his accent is soooooo thick.  Totally not his fault but he was growing frustrated and I was irritated because I was trying to listen closely and attentively but it was not working.  Now, I do not even want to talk to him because it will get me nowhere.  I will spend more time asking him to repeat what he just said slowly and clear than getting to know more about him.  I don’t know.  Great guy from what I know and can understand but communication is vital esp when most men do not know how to anyways.

Guy #3 is 38 years old, a trained engineer, with 2 girls who live with him.  The many times we talked via phone, he asked lots of questions which I appreciate because I know I ask a ton.  He seemed really interested in who I am, what I do, and where I want to go in life.  During the conversations, he kept mentioning getting married, that maybe we will remember this conversation years from now and look back laughing, and other things that freaked me out.  Um, I just met you dude.  Well, during the initial conversation he explained how he gained full custody of his kids but I think I was surfing the internet or watching TV….point is, I could not remember what he said.  When my friends asked for updates I had nothing so I had to ask him to recap the story again.  It’s a good thing I did and a lesson on why you should listen when someone is talking, this fool is still married!  They have been separated for 2 years and he gained custody because the mom was leaving the girls home alone at age 10 & 14 so she can go clubbing or out in general.  Well, I focused on the “still married” part and found out they were married 13 years and the divorce is stalling because she will not agree to the terms he has outlined, she do not want to get off his health insurance & other benefits, and she wants the kids back but the girls want to stay with him.  Long story short, drama and a lot of history.  I told him I can’t date him because he is married (amongst other things).  He got defensive instantly but I sat back and let him explain, defend his self, and I smiled knowing nothing he said was going to change my mind.  I pointed out his defensive reaction and he said he is used to women saying the same thing but the divorce is stalled because of her…not him so there is nothing he can do about it.  Well, that sucks but it is what it is.  Add to the fact that he is fat (imo).  I am not attracted to fat guys, never have been, never will be even if I get fat later on which is highly unlikely since I actually enjoy sweating & exercising & having a fit body more than I enjoy anything else.  He has actual man boobs and that thing sitting in his lap is his stomach.  I couldn’t take my eyes off the man boobs though.  I so wanted to touch them because I bet they were softer than my actual woman boobs.  My 42 yr old girl friend said young women can be so superficial because we are still into looks and external features.  My 32 yr old girl friend told me to not discard him due to his weight because I can get fat later in life due to some medical reason and then what??  Ok, I hear their point and I understand but I would hope that if I ever got “fat” it would be years into a serious committed relationship and the guy will love me for me.  Out the gate, I do not know this guy so I am not required to do anything I do not want to do.  I would even gag if he touched me or leaned in for a kiss.  This guy admitted he used to be about 40-50 lbs heavier than he is now, he lost a lot of weight running on a treadmill everyday, but he still struggles with food.  We talked running since he knows I run and race during the warmer months.  He has bad knees and cannot run outside so he runs for 30 mins indoors every single freaking day of the week.  I told him he should see a sports doctor if he won’t go to his regular physician about his knee (I am sure most of that pain is weight related).  He laughed out loud at that suggestion and reminded me that men do not like to see doctors.  Conclusion: he will yo-yo right back to obesity really soon and there ain’t shit sexy about that. 

I am done.  No more suggestions of “you should talk to…” or “I know this guy….” or any ideas that being single is so repulsive for those around me or even for myself.  Superficial?  What is wrong with having some kind of attraction to a certain external feature(s)?  No one gets mad when I say I like the dark tar men but when you mention weight people get sensitive.  I have been turned down when I met guys before my divorce was final, I was told I was too little, I was told I was too quiet, too inquisitive, too rigid, too athletic with small boobs and not enough booty.  We all have preferences I think but I can only overlook something that does not present itself as a long-term issue.  No plans to continue dating because it is totally pointless.  At least for now it is.

October 28, 2010 Posted by | Life | , | Leave a comment

Religious Differences

I have a story and it goes a little something like this: I met this guy.  Cute guy.  Older guy.  Educated guy.  Witty guy.  Funny guy.  A decent guy.  I was intrigued by this guy and wanted to know more about this here guy but was shocked when this same guy told me how beautiful I am but we would never work because of one small issue but good luck in finding my right guy.  Come again?!  So, I asked him if he would be so kind as to tell me what this small issue might be.  Is it because I have kids and he does not?  Is it because I am slim and he might like them thick?  Is it because I’m short and he might desire a tall one?  He tells me our religious differences will make this impossible to pursue since I believe in Jesus and he does not.  “Polar opposites” was his exact wording.  He even added, to show he has either tried in the past or is great at making assumptions, that Christian women do not want to be with him but good luck on my ventures to which I hesitantly replied, “Likewise”.  End of conversation.

Never have I thought about religious difference because, truth be told, I am not a devout Christian.  I follow the principles and commandments I want to or feel I can follow.  Everything else I store in the “Grace” file cabinet knowingly until that “feel” part of me changes.  I usually look for the same attributes in guys that I never ask about their religious or spiritual beliefs.  Does it make that much difference?  I know the Bible says Christians should not be “equally yoked” and I have had that line explained to me to the point of exhaustion but I do not pay it any attention.  Maybe I am just completely defiant.  Maybe I am just completely free-spirited.  Maybe I do not like restrictions.  Maybe I do not like to place my opportunities in a box.  Or, maybe I like to think our differences are not to our detriment.  Why can’t our differences be a positive?

He never said what his religious beliefs are but I did make my Christianity known like I made it known that I’m 30 years old and I like chocolate – nonchalantly.  Then there was the question of how “serious” I am about my faith.  All things aside, I truly believe I am shit up a creek if I denounce my faith because I truly believe this is the only path to salvation – for me.  For me, I am serious in where I stand and on what I stand.  For him, I am sure he feels the same about his faith.  So, what if I dated a non-Jesus follower?  Would I spend every Christmas without him or would I even be allowed to celebrate Christmas in our home?  Would our children automatically follow his religion, my religion, or would the option to teach them both sides allowing them to choose as adults be on the table?  Do I pray over meals when he is not around or am I offending him?  Is the very presence of my Bible an insult to him or would his book (if there is one) insult me?  Would it be that bad?

I have always dated Christian men.  Right, I did date a Muslim guy once who knew I was a Christian.  I knew when he went to his temple or synagogue (I am really not sure what it is called) for prayer.  I knew when he fasted.  I knew what he did and did not eat.  And I knew how he felt about Jesus – trust me, he made it clear and often depending on his mood.  But, never once did I do the same.  Chalk it up to naivety, but I did not out of respect for his decision to choose and my decision to respect that decision whether I agreed or not.  It is not my salvation.  Sounds selfish but that is why the world is in turmoil right now – this idea that one group must “save” the other when the other clearly does not want the others’ savior.  At what point do you say “fuck this shit” at evangelism for Christians?  At what point do you choose peace over highlighting who may or may not be right?  At what point do you opt for civil humanity and trying to survive this life together while we are still alive?  At what point does religion not mean anything?  At what point do we let peace, humanity, respect, and freedom reign?  At what point do we decide to peacefully co-exist or decide to segregate ourselves into “them” and “us”?  At what point does the blatant disgust no matter how rude and insensitive boil over and kill us all in a game I like to call “My religion is Right and I Will Prove, where’s My Bomb?”

Love is absent and love suffers.  Not just the kind between a man and a woman on an intimate level but the kind between human beings.  I am disgusted that my religious beliefs were an automatic disqualification for a date when, prior to learning about my faith, I was a dream come true (in my own words lol).  I thought about retracting what I said even stating that my faith was mutable but who am I fooling?  This world is a messed up place and I am disgusted every single day that religion gets in the way.  In the past, it was race.  What will it be in the future?

October 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Date Night/Birthday Dinner

Friday night was date night with Mr. D … wasn’t actually scheduled though.  Kinda like a “hey, you wanna do something tonight?”  followed by a “sure, what you wanna do?” then a “I don’t know. Maybe get something to eat and have a drink on a patio bar” next comes a “aight that’s cool”.  Then we talk later and he asks if it’s ok to bring his brother along whose birthday passed about 2 weeks ago and he hasn’t had a chance to take him out for his usual birthday dinner.  I reply “sure, I don’t care”.  Last time we all went out for dinner it was my birthday last year August and his brother had brought his on-again-off-again date who Mr. D said really just came to be nosey.  This time it would be just the 3 of us.  As mentioned plenty of time before, I am not good in some social settings.  I might spark up a conversation but it’s only to get the ball rolling – I could care less what you are actually saying.  When I try too hard and it comes off as fake, then I just throw in the towel and wait for a moment when my effort is truly sincere.  However, when I do that I am labeled anti-social.  I accept that . 

We went to Bahama Breeze which is his brother’s favorite restaurant (my first time there).  My hair is longer than it was this time last year so I curled lightly so it flowed with the breeze, I wore jeans (like the guys) but with small heels, and a fitted button down summery shirt that showed my newly acquired curves & small waist that Mr. D likes 🙂 Getting into the car his bro mumbled a “hey” my way while checking his phone.  I felt like I was suddenly the 3rd wheel.  Must I remind you that you are coming on our date night? In the car ride there, Mr. D was trying to generate a conversation involving all of us which only happened once when we started talking about Gary Coleman and his wife’s alleged hand in killing him.  After that, it was Mr. D talking to me and then Mr. D talking to his bro.  Separate conversations.  As soon as we sat down in the restaurant, Mr. D excused his self to wash his hands having just left the barber shop which left me alone with his bro.  I instantly asked what was good on the menu which really got him to talking because his bro is a really good cook, loves talking food, and eats almost anything.  He was still talking when Mr. D slid into the booth next to me and I smiled that at least that had gone well.  From that point on, I kinda relaxed, let myself shine through instead of trying to impress, inserted my opinion where I wanted, and realized that I actually like his bro.  He’s an azz at first impression as I am likely a bytch but he is actually cool as ice.  I think we talked more than Mr. D at the table but there was of course a moment of irritation…..of course.

Mr. D and I were sitting next to each other.  Heaven forbid, my hand touched Mr. D in any way.  One time, I laid my hand on his arm and I swear his bro made this look like I had violated some code of ethics.  Mr. D didn’t mind obviously just looking up at me when he felt my hand and went back to eating, talking, or whatever he was doing.  We were talking food and how I do not like most seafood.  Mr. D’s bro ordered shrimp something for an appetizer which they both forced me to try (peer pressure).  The spicy sauce with bread was really good and the shrimp was just ok.  I tried to explain the crunchiness of the shrimp following by the liquidy of the insides when I bite into it.  His bro responded, “and?!”  like it was something stupid that had fallen from my lips.  I continued that it’s not the taste but the texture that I don’t like and I looked him square in the eyes cause he was coming off as if his opinion of food was supreme.  His bro kept looking at Mr. D – forget Mr. D you can talk to me cause I don’t care what you feel about anything.  I don’t like shrimp.  Build a bridge and get your azz over it!  Then, his bro turned to Mr. D and asked him if I like calamari or if I’d ever tried alligator.  What?!  He was asking Mr. D as if I wasn’t sitting there!  Mr. D knew some of the answers to his questions recapping times we’d gone out and foods I had tried with him having this entire conversation about me but without me.  One question he did not know the answer to so Mr. D looked at me to answer it as he should because the question is about  me.  Later, I told Mr. D I found that offensive and irritating.  He said he hadn’t noticed.  Of course not.  I probably should have said something at the table but that has never happened to me before so I was kinda shocked and I thought to sweep it under the rug.  Maybe it wasn’t as serious as I was making it.  Maybe.

After that, we left the restaurant and made our way home at about 1230a.  We talked, laughed about different things, and listened to each animated story Mr. D’s bro had to tell.  Overall, his bro is cool.  Kind of a diva in a masculine kinda way complete with bytchitude but I can hold my own.  I feel we will butt heads one day whether I bite my tongue or not.  Hopefully, when that day comes, our relationship is strong enough to withstand it and I hope I have learned some tact by then.  The next day, Mr. D told me his bro was surprised I knew so much about Mr. D and had already met a few of their cousins.  Um, what is the surprise?  It’s been almost a year.  What do you even care?  At the table, his bro felt the need to tell me Mr. D was a über carnivore and wine drinker.  I nodded my head and smiled because I already knew these things.  Apparently, his bro didn’t get the memo that we talk and share things about each other.  Kind of a significant part of a relationship which is why Mr. D knew most answers to the “what does she not eat?” question.  Maybe he thinks we are getting too close too soon.  I think 47 yr old never been married brothers with no kids should stay out of their baby brother’s relationship.  I also think little comments about your baby brother always spending time with me or at my apartment are none of your business.  I also think that when you see me giving Mr. D a shoulder massage and the first thing outta your mouth is “you can’t tell me you ain’t having sex with that girl”, then it’s crossing the line.  Lastly, when I call Mr. D at home and you are right there when he hangs up the phone asking “is that Denisha? what did she want?” is nosey as hell.  This is all TBD…

June 6, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Balance

It’s Mother’s Day today but I do not feeling like writing about anything “mother” related.  My son’s birthday events were this weekend so I am indeed tired right now and needing a break from kids in general but they are asleep so I’m on my way to being good.  I ran my usual 6 miles.  I’d bought new running shoes but wonder why my ankles were killing me from the day I first ran in them.  I Googled ankle running injuries but found nothing so I decided to run in my old running shoes just to feel some normalcy.  I put both shoes on and felt different.  Then I took off one old shoe and put on one new shoe and realized the new shoe was much heavier than the old.  Ain’t that ’bout a b*tch!  So that is what I decided was the cause of my ankle pain….heavy shoes which were too much for my ankles to lift I guess.  I ran in my old shoes having added stretching back to my old regimen and my time was 45:29 – almost 7 minutes faster than my 6 mile run a couple of days ago.  I didn’t feel like I had run almost 7 minutes faster but I definitely felt stronger, my muscles didn’t feel tight, no screaming from my legs at all, and I felt good from start to finish.  Shave 5 minutes off that and I will definitely be within reach of a decent half-marathon finish.  I called Hanson Stadium (a track where I ran most of my city track meets during high school), they are open to the public so I have a place to do my speed workouts this summer.  The search is officially back on for new running shoes though.  I never thought the weight of the shoe could actually lead to a possible injury.  Lesson learned.

I’m still reading Midlife Crisis at 30 and finding out I need to pinpoint what makes me happy and how I want to live my life.  I do not care to have more kids because, although I love babies, starting over with sleepless nights and changing putrid diapers is not my thing.  I never knew whether I wanted kids until I delivered.  I watched over them like a hawk but it was more so militant protection than a normal maternal nature complete with soccer games, playdates, and Mozart music.  I knew I wanted to be married but I had no idea how to look for a mate, what I wanted in a mate, who I was, or what I wanted in life to know if he aligned with that.  I thought I knew love but I realized I knew loyalty and compromise more so sustaining it was a no-brainer and I wondered if love was just a way to translate how he too compromised and exhibited loyalty instead of love being an emotion felt.  My career was and is just a job I have to pay the bills.  Now, I like my job and it’s flexibility so I may stay till they boot me out since finding another job with such perks has been needle-in-a-haystack difficult.  I like wfh and seeing my kids to and from school.  I wouldn’t change anything but, at times, I feel like I should want to change it which is a fight I have with myself as a result of comparing myself to others’ career paths which I honestly do not want.  Me so crazy.  My next job or career move is TBD so when I know I will let everyone else know.

For 2010, my financial goal was to eliminate debt which has turned into not creating any more debt which has worked out somewhat.  My emergency fund is still going good although I should make some leeway in the next coming months when the kids leave for the summer freeing up childcare funds.  My goal is to have $10k in savings as my emergency fund which should be about 6-8 month expenses.  It’s May and I am officially half way there.  Next yr, I will put that money into a savings acct with a higher APY which keeps it liquid but work on saving toward a house.  I was toward 3.5% is a good amount to have although there are several programs to help you with your down-payment.  Also, working on my investments is numero uno on my list for next yr too.  I pray I am alive next yr because I still have a dent to make in my estate before I feel comfortable leaving this earth with nothing to give my kids although it’s not up to me.  This week I should be able to secure my life insurance policy….this has dragged on and on and on!  I do not spend as much as I thought, I am very conservative & frugal, and I have great discipline when it comes to money.  I am proud of myself when it was only a yr or two ago that I had no savings, loads of debt, paydays loans, and a disconnect notice for an electric bill that amounted to hundreds of dollars.  I think I have found a good balance.

Mr. D called me crazy this weekend and he is absolutely correct.  I wish I could lie and say I’m not but I am.  Not medically crazy but crazy in some behavioral ways – definitely.  It’s been almost a yr since we started dating so I sat down and thought about how life would be if we got married today.  Had a baby today.  We aren’t near that point (esp since he thinks I am crazy but I wanted place 2012 on the current situation and see how things would look.  I do not like it because I see myself being a single mom with a baby since he will work 20 hours of a 24 hour day, I will get significant face-time only because we will live together, he does not listen to me, and although he respects a woman who makes more than he does she will still be expected to do most of the household chores which is asinine.  I think the bulk of my issues lie with not being heard and having him hear only half of what I am saying and offering solutions when I did not ask him for it.  I offer advice on some of his financial matters and he does not heed my warnings.  I tell him outright to stop doing A immediately and do B now and he says “ok” but does nothing.  I vent about my job and how I do not get SQL 2005 platforms and how it has anything to do with Windows 7 and our software at work but he offers advice on it just to hear his self talk.  I wonder if he respects me as a woman – he says “yes”.  I wonder if he listens to my financial advice – he says “yes”.  I wonder if he sees me as his equal knowing the day will never come when “cook” will be my daily role – he says “yes”.  All that translates into is lies because his actions do not align with the words coming from his mouth which would be detrimental to Denisha Inc. 

My problem has never been what my life is supposed to be.  I tend to enjoy it as it is and make changes when I need to.  My job funds my goals right now since I have no clear direction on how to make the world a better place just yet.  My running is going well and I am excited to keep running and add speedwork to my training.  I bought $3 non-cotton running shorts from Family Dollar so I was über excited and got a pack of tanks for free.  I have a book on hold at the library called The Intelligent Investor which explains value investing and is allegedly a Top 10 Books on Investing.  I do know many men personally whom I respect.  Most I meet have pride issues, think I ask too many questions, think I am nosey because I want to protect my interests, and find my non-traditional ways unlike their mom’s whether they admit it or not.  My dating life will continue to suffer as a result.  Not sure how the story called my life will unfold next but, in the meantime, I will continue what I do best.  Protect the foundation of Denisha Inc keeping it protected and running strong for the interest of its two little future heirs.

May 9, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sam* & I

Sam* is a co-worker of mine whom I have written about before but I can’t seem to find those posts (translation: I’m too lazy to look for them).  Sam and I have been friends since my first day on the job when I thought to myself “he is the cutest white guy I’ve ever seen!”  We often ran together, went out to eat, and did little Bible studies on the lawn near our office building with several other Christians when the weather was nice.  As time went on, I began to know Sam as I know him today and realized that friends is all we shall ever be (not that I had any elementary hope he would sweep me off my feet or anything…that I will admit to).  We had a disagreement about Christianity.  We had a disagreement about race relations in America.  We had a disagreement about Sarah Palin.  We had several disagreements to the point that I saw imaginary train tracks slowly building between where we stood across from each other and I wondered if two seemly similar people could ever continue a friendship where we see the world entirely different?  The beginning of the end was when I hurt his feelings (so to speak) when I said (in so many words) that I would not follow his God (although we share the same God) if his God truly represented Sam’s views.  He took that as a slap across the face and I looked him straight in the eye never blinking  although my lids begged to shut for just 2 seconds.  I wanted him to know I was serious and standing my ground.  This white man had strolled by the wrong black woman and mumbled the last string of idiocracies I could possibly take.  In my need to “let him have it”, I disgraced my own image of God (whom sometimes I think is made in my likeness instead of the opposite) and hurt someone’s feelings simply because a) he was a typical white boy who thought he knew the world & people based on the books and TV shows he’d watched b) he thought Christianity was the band-aid to cure all the world’s problems and c) he felt the need, often times than not, to correct my grammar and explain things to me as if I was a child instead of his equal (there is always a time and place to use the word “aint”).  That’s not the point of my post though.  My point is that our friendship survived and we have a newfound sense of respect for each other’s view of the world and those who inhabit it with us. 

Last week, Sam asked me to help him choose a date activity for a young lady he’d met.  Sam is a nervous over-thinker goofball who has gone out on millions of dates, does several trainings a year for the company, and is an excellent public speaker but can’t seem to form a coherent sentence (or even a pre-school sentence in crayon on big-line paper) when he sees a beautiful lady.  He suddenly goes dumb!  I laugh and shake my head and honestly begin to agree when he says, “I’m gonna be single forever!”  This folks, is the story we won’t see plaster on newspapers, in magazines, and on TV shows…..The Corporate America White Single Male Dating Fiasco!  He has gone on more dates than I have time to recap but I like this latest one.  Honestly, I liked them all because I am starting to feel sorry for him a little bit.  He is 37 yrs old, no kids, never been married, and celibate.   He just walked by my desk (cubicle) and started talking so, since he’d interrupted me wasting time while at work, I asked about his date.  He said, “I think she’s too good for me”…..huh?!  Was Sam acting like a girl??  My girls and I do this often…we self-doubt, self-pity, self-everything just to have someone say “you are a great person!  Any guy would be lucky as hell to have you!” just to have to repeat it several more times and finally start making margaritas until the person(s) believes it or forgets what they were complaining about.

Apparently, this new chick is 25 yrs old, Executive Director of an organization focused on prostitution and modern slavery, but her main (paying) job has something to do with brand placement in commercials/tv shows/movies, etc.  I didn’t try to lift Sam’s mood because I’m not really good at that kinda stuff (I’m usually the one getting the drink mix out) but I did ask him why he felt that way (I take the psychiatrist role sometimes).  He said because she has accomplished so much in her life thus far, has so many goals still set for herself, and she is a forward thinker which he is not.  I asked him what kind of thinker does he consider himself to be.  A present thinker (I’m sure he made that term up).  He says he thinks of the here and now which explains some things.  Sam is almost 40 yrs old and hasn’t done a single thing with his self.  He volunteers like crazy in his community which is admirable but those things I hear him talking about constantly…he has not done anything about them.  Going to get his MBA.  Completing his CTP exam.  He played baseball in school so he used to coach but he doesn’t anymore but wants to.  He says he doesn’t really have a hobby.  His career is stagnant and, if you ask him, so is his life.  Then I replied “well, this is good because maybe she will add some excitement to your life” to which he says “I don’t understand why she’s interested in me” to which I frowned because I’m not a freakin chearleadery turn-that-frown-upside-down person so I was getting irritated because he required something I didn’t have in me!  I said, “you can do something about your life if you do not like it” and he agreed (yes!) saying he can do stuff like she is and I hurriedly made sure he knew to do these things for his self although she might be a sense of motivation.

He left me to read through her website even saying I should think about getting involved.  I asked “why?” and he said “because you have a compassionate heart”…who me?!  I’m the type of person you’d send to talk down someone about to jump to their death from the Sears Tower and end up forcing the person to jump sooner than they planned.  Me?  Compassionate heart?  I’m not sure about that but I’ll take the compliment as a weird statement to think about later.  Anywho, I seriously hope this woman is “the one” because he is seriously looking to get married, have kids, and poison their minds with his view of God (lol)….just kidding.  He’s a great guy and still a looker but if he interrupts me one more ‘gain with this no-one-wants-me talk while I’m clearly busy doing nothing while collecting a check then I might have to introduce him to angry-black-woman-who-refuses-to-blink….again!

*name has been changed to protect the identity of this sad pathetic person I call my friend.

April 23, 2010 Posted by | Love, Men | , , | Leave a comment

A & O III

This is the abbreviated title of my Apples and Oranges posts but this is part III.  My guy friend commended me for acknowledging the signs or flags early on instead of pretending I didn’t see them.  Well,  Mr. D & I were asking each other questions about different things when we got back to the “do you want to have more kids?” question.  I originally asked this question early on because he’s 37 years old never married without kids so I assumed he wanted kids one day but I didn’t know how many.  At that time, he informed me that he wanted 1 or 2 kids and he only wanted kids after marriage.  Sounds good.  I left that topic alone occasionally we’d bring it up when I was yelling at my two he’d say “lol you sure you want more?” or I’d call him from the train and say “pick the boys up from daycare and take them with you to the shop cause they need haircuts lol you ain’t scared are you?”  You see?  All in good fun although I did honestly answer his question and he did seriously go pick my kids up. 

Last night, while talking about having kids and when would be a good time I asked what is his timeline.  He explained how he does not do timelines because he told his self he’d meet a good woman, get married by 28 yrs old, buy a house complete with the white picket fence, get a dog, and then have some kids but that clearly didn’t happen so he stopped following a timeline and began to just live life.  I told him I didn’t wanna stress a timeline per say but how long does he think he need to access whether he wants to marry someone because I’m not the type to be with someone for 5+ yrs and he still don’t know yet.  Mr. D  said “what’s wrong with 5 yrs?  We’ve known each other since 2007 already so you see how time flies? ”  He even had the audacity to say women get caught up in timelines and rush things since they always wanna do something after a certain time frame and get mad if the guy doesn’t feel the same.  I was a little bit upset but I agreed that some women do that indeed but I needed to explain something to him about the way I see it from my perspective. 

I told him:  I am 29 years old going on 30 this August (Lord willing of course).  Five+ years from now I will be about 35 yrs old with a soon-to-be 14 yr old in high school and a soon-to-be 9 yr old in the 4th grade.  I will be somewhere further in my career, still running, looking fabulous as usual, and loving life.  I do not want to be walking around fat and pregnant in my late 30s, I do not want to still be popping out kids when my oldest son is on his way to prom, and I do not want to be having kids while my husband is around the corner from retirement.  Fast forward a couple more years with a son nearing college, another in high school, and I’m starting over with a kindergartener?!  It took me 5 minutes to pop out my 1st baby, 10 mins to pop out my 2nd but add another 5+ to today’s date and it will be harder on my body to pop anything out anymore much less get my figure back.  I like the way I look.  I dnt care if that sounds selfish.  I don’t want the mom shape and I refuse to ask my body to do something that will be hard as hell for it to do 5-10 yrs down the road.  I have c-sections because I can’t deliver vaginally.  I don’t want to be in my late 30s in that much pain having kids and I don’t give a damn what Halle Berry and other celebs are doing.  A woman’s body goes through changes as she ages.  It will get harder to run those 9 minute miles.  It will get harder to keep a flat stomach.  It will get harder to eat chocolate all week and not bust outta my jeans.  Things change and I have no intentions on being the parent of a toddler while I am right around the corner from having both boys out of the house in college just because you need 5 additional years to “get to know me” and then 2 more yrs to knock me up followed by another 3 yrs to have another one if that be the case because you are a man who can always have kids, however, you aren’t the one actually “having” the kids. 

So, don’t say women are always focused on a timeline and trying to rush things.  My body is not a machine and I don’t look like I had 2 kids but dammit pregnancy in my late 30s was not in my plans and I don’t think, after all the lemons I’ve turned into lemonade during my life, I can swing that one buddy.  Some men should be more considerate of women and what we endure while pregnant and let’s not forget any additional complications that come with age.  Even 7 years from now I will be about 37 yrs old and he will be 44 yrs old which is about 10 yrs from retirement (usually).  He has decently high cholesterol, does not work out, eats fatty Chicago food all the time, is a workaholic, and stress is a regular part of his life.  Who the hell gonna be running around with this kid?  Playing hide-n-go-seek?  Having playdates?  Baking cookies and shyt?  Who is gonna do all this with baby #4?  My oldest will be 16 yrs old and trying to hide me from his friends while he spends all my money while my old ass husband will be doing what?!  Applying Ben-Gay?  Taking his medication to stay alive just a little while longer?  Honestly, women do care more about timelines but not to rush things but to access what our options are.  I really do care for Mr. D and we have known each other since 2007 but we are reaching a point of wanting different things.  While I was talking going on and on and on for about 15 minutes stating my case, he was silent listening intently to every word until I finally shut up and said “some men can be totally selfish”. 

Maybe he didn’t think about all this.  Maybe he did but didn’t care how I (or any other woman) would feel about this.  Maybe he didn’t think about what this 5+ yr wait entailed because when I broke down the age of my kids and high school and his relative retirement age by then…..he shut up.  I can paint quite a good picture to make sure you do not miss anything.  Take it all in.  Think about this a little bit more.  See what you are asking of me and what I can realistically give you and hear me when I say I am not going to have any kids in my late 30s while knocking on 40’s door.  Not happening!  He had nothing else to say.  I had nothing else to say.  We got off the phone and he promised to call me tomorrow.  I wonder what is left to say.  I don’t think there is anything to say.  Maybe it’s not that big of an issue.  Maybe there can be a compromise.  Maybe we can still be friends.  Maybe for once someone will appreciate all my annoying questions esp when I say they are really for a reason.  Maybe my forward-thinking is a help rather than a hindrance.  Maybe I will have more news today when he calls me back.  Maybe.  Sigh.

April 8, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , | 4 Comments

My Period, Raise, Boyfriend, & Running

Seriously, I’m not feeling too well 😦 two hours before I was set to leave work my uterus started tightening every 5 mins or so and I had to stop each time and grimace a tad bit.  Cramps!  I hate when my period starts while I’m at work but there was nothing I could do about it….Mother Nature refuses to get my opinion or views on anything.  So, I left a few minutes early and made a trip to the bathroom.  On my way home, I stopped to pick up tampons and chocolate and Scope…last one was random.  I sat down in front of TV, ate, watched people fall during downhill skiing, and dealt with my 8yo refusing to think long enough to finish his math homework.  How can you be mentally lazy?!  Ridiculous! 

So, before Mother Nature attacked my body, my manager called me into his office.  I never get called into his office unless we all have a meeting or he wants to show me something work related or I need his signature on something.  So, I get up thinking “is he gonna lay me off??” but he just wanted to tell me I was getting a raise!!  This is monumental because we have been in a recession since 2008, majority of my friends have been laid off or are still laid off, our sales were significantly less than last year so last year brought no raise at all (but we did get a bonus), and most companies are reigning in spending so it is still hindering our sales dept.  But, the big wigs gave out raises and I was one of those blessed folks 🙂  I got a 2.44% raise and a bonus!  Bonus is actually more than the bonus last year so I’m super happy.  He told me the dollar amount of my salary increase but I think a percentage looks better although 2.44% anything is almost nothing no matter what the 2.44% is added to but I will surely take it.  Then my manager asked how things were going and I explained I was learning more still (going on my 3rd yr here), doing more when boss lady stops hogging all the work because she’s obsessively anal over every small detail, and I feel like I’m always busy with something so that’s great.  He warned that a major company was coming to our dept pretty soon so our current workload would increase and the big wigs have already told him “no” as far as hiring more help.  Honestly, I think the boss lady and I can handle it well ourselves….but I say that now.  He told me to keep learning as much as I can & get ready to get buried (in so many words).  My dept is the bread & butter of the company (so says boss lady)…we bring in a nice revenue with outsourcing services so if more companies sign up then I should always have a job but I won’t bank on that too much.  So, my extra money which will be back paid from the 1st of the year to now will go right into my savings account along with my bonus when I get that.  I am really working hard on my emergency fund account & not spending on silly stuff I don’t need.  I am more than half way to my savings goal and then I can start working on my next goal to financial freedom!

I moved back to Chicago for my current job in June 2007.  In September 2007 I met this guy named D but I started calling him Chocolate Drop because he’s dark like chocolate, looked good like chocolate, and I just knew he had to taste good like chocolate too.  Anywho, we dated for a couple of months but then he said something about women being Pastors of churches along with a women-in-leadership comment that royally pissed me off so we stopped dating.  We remained friends for the next 2 yrs partly because he’s my boys’ barber and he is a cool person who I kinda still liked.  He is a property manager by day, barber by night, and co-owner of a cleaning something business with his brother for whatever part of the day is left.  So, July 2009 we started dating again and recently (after I wrote The Best saying how awesome he was although we didn’t work out) he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I thought he was joking because he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 10 years & the word “relationship” kept him frightened.  After writing The Best, I stuck around as his friend and we talked more, completely stopped arguing (a miracle), we laughed all the time & we swapped stories about random stuff and then about actual meaningful stuff.  He’d bring the boys milk, orange juice, candy for Valentines Day parties (all things I never felt like going to get), something I needed printed (I don’t have a printer at home), tacos, and anything else I call him for.  We just kinda started having fun & enjoying each others’ company again but then I realized my feelings hadn’t gone anywhere but neither had his so that’s how it happened.  I thought the next couple of days he’d freak out & say he made a mistake because 10 yrs ago this chick did blah blah blah and he no longer believes in love and he would rather be friends because of blah blah blah that will never make sense to me but then he said I was the best woman he’d ever dated and I realized while I had written The Best about him here he was thinking the same thing about me (altogether now……AWWWWWW!)  So, I have a boyfriend now and his name is Mr. D.

I officially registered (paid my money) for the Chicago Half Marathon this Sept so I have about 6 months to get my butt into run-13-miles-under-2-hours shape although I’d settle for 2.5 hours however ridiculously slow that sounds in my head.  Now…..I need to watch some more TV, read some more about ETFs, find some good accounts offering a decent interest rate in this economy, & actually get my forms notarized tomorrow.  Geez!  I was supposed to do that today but my lower body was cramping too bad to think about anything else.  No reason for the pink converses other than they’re freakin cute and uber girly! Over and out.

February 24, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Realistic Expectations?

I was talking about my date with Malcolm to a friend of mine I work in the same building with.  She’s married and only about 10 yrs max older than I am.  I was telling her what happened when she wondered where did expectations go wrong?  In her opinion, some men seem to expect sex for what they have shelled out.  Some men think, “I paid all this money for dinner, entertainment, etc so I should be rewarded at the end of the night.  If not tonight then eventually”.  I am not sure if this is true for all although there are some guys you just know only want sex.  Since I tend to stay away from those, I would say I’ve been surprised more than once when a guy I thought was upright would expect such a thing as if my vagina was for sale and he’d just bought it for the night…did someone wanna tell me this?! 

I don’t think I’m having any success with dating.  If men naturally think about sex a lot but can’t admit that then what?  If they do admit it then they fear I will think they are only around for that.  Depending on how it’s admitted I just might think exactly that.  If I bring it up it is an automatic indicator that I am willing and ready for it to go down?  I remember older people referring to courting….does that still exist?  During courting, the man knew he was responsible for the financial obligation of dating and the woman expected it fully.  When did it all change?  If you go back to that thinking, then men nowadays say women expect too much, are golddiggers, can’t support themselves, are leaning and depending on his money, & it results in frustration.  When I ask an older guy what to do in this situation, they usually say “if he can’t afford you now then he never will.  He wants to be the head of your household then he need to be ready for all that entails”.  Ok, can the man writing the Male Handbook add that to the upcoming newsletter?  Please!  Men complain more and more now and women don’t always feel like hearing it.  You want to be a man but you don’t wanna go broke.  The issue is lack of creativity because I never said a date must amass a certain dollar amount. 

Most women I know have their own are might be labeled “independent women” because they don’t need a man for financial stability.  I was told that men love sex esp oral sex (this is going somewhere so just read) even hearing that good sex (oral esp) will get you a home.  A wedding ring.  Ok, so if men care so much about good sex in every form and will reward that (along with no drama) with a ring & committment then what do women want?  I know some women who have married for love and vowed to marry again for money.  If a woman does sex to a man’s standards and she has secured her financial future and stability by doing that then she is happy, right?  That is the way it seems for some women.  So, what about “independent women” who have their financial future secure by their own means without having to put some porn moves to practice?  What about her?  Then she searches for love?  It is far easier for a broke woman to marry & marry up then it is for a broke man to marry at all.  I know plenty of women with maybe a nickel to their name who have significant others with actual salaries and investments.  I don’t know a man with that same nickel to his name who has a woman with an actual salary and investments.  If anything, he has a women with the same nickel if not less to her name.  I swear the higher a woman’s income the smaller the pool of viable bachelors becomes esp if you are interested in dating only black men.  If not, then her range of options have gotten pretty interesting!

My friend told me how she prayed for a gu after a bad dating situation with tears running down her face.  She asked God for a husband (only women do such a thing lol) and she met her current husband shortly after thinking “him?!” not because she didn’t find him appealing but because God had worked so quickly and all she had to do was trust Him for it.  So, she told me to make a list (and do my ugly cry) of all the things I want in a future husband.  Honestly, I’m not at that point of wanting a husband….I’d settled for a good boyfriend though.  But, my list has changed over the yrs but I thought about one thing that used to be on that list, “a church man”.  I’ve scratched that out many times even about to scratch out “Christian man” which is what I replaced it with.  Most churches restrict single women but encourage or turn a blind eye/deaf ear to the activities of single men.  I want no part of it.  Most churches built around my faith is not too good at producing upstanding men of God although my faith is sufficient enough to do just that.  I’m not asking for too much.  Just someone to have fun with, someone who understands me instead of asking me to turn my head off or stop being me, someone who is fun (I said that already), someone who is athletic, and someone who is a good man that just so happens to follow Jesus’ teachings. Not expecting too much but I know to expect people to fall short.

February 20, 2010 Posted by | Life, Love, Men | , , , , , | Leave a comment