32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Runners Cry Too

Today¬†was not a good day for running ūüė¶ Come to find out my 9.5 mile route is actually a 8.5 mile route which sucks.¬† I decided to go an actual 9.5 miles today and it totally sucked butt!¬† I felt fine as far as my breathing and my legs were feeling awesome but my mind was going crazy thinking about the distance, the heat, the distance again, the heat again, and then the distance.¬† All this time I thought I had conquered the 9.5 beast…..nope, not until today.¬† I got home 1 hour and 29 minutes later which absolutely sucks because I’m no where near my half marathon goal time.¬† But, I couldn’t care less about it.¬† At least not right now since that’s in September.¬† I just wanted to stop running.¬† So many times I wanted to walk the rest of the way home but I never walk – it’s just not in me unless I physically cannot make it.¬† I had to pee really bad and tried to run through it but I couldn’t so I had to stop at a pizza place, use their restroom,¬†gulp water from the bathroom faucet, and get back out there to finish my run.¬† There was even a time on my way back at about the 7 mile mark that I dang near cried.¬† I wish I was lying but I’m not.¬† My eyes started to burn as I felt tears but I didn’t let them fall.¬† What am I crying for?¬† I am making myself run.¬† No one is forcing me to.¬† So, why am I about¬† to cry?!¬† Because today, I hated to run.¬† I honestly hated it!¬† I feel like I’m getting no where any time soon.¬† I have blisters on my feet from wearing these uncomfortable flip-flops¬†a couple of days ago.¬† I have half a nail on my left big toe.¬† And the sun is freaking hot & seems to only be shining on me.¬† I was never out of breath¬†the entire 9.5 miles I ran today.¬† I was never feeling pain, aches, or fatigue in my legs until the last mile or so but by then you might as well keep pushing it to make your legs stronger.¬† My mind just did not want to run today.¬† I felt fear that I won’t be able to finish the 10 mile run at the end of July.¬† And, I feel stupid for thinking I can even finish 13.1 miles.¬† I don’t know if I can do it.¬† I honestly do not know anymore.¬† Mind over matter.¬† It is so easily said than done esp when I, of all people, is about to cry mid-run when I volunteered myself to do this.¬† I wonder if anyone else feels like crying during a long run.¬† I hope it’s not just me.¬† When you seriously yell at yourself to not stop but to keep putting one foot in front of the other.¬† To not cry but to keep breathing.¬† To not panic but to calm down.¬† To not look at the clock but to just make it to the finish line.¬† To wonder if you really have what it takes to be a runner.¬† I feel like a complete failure today.¬† I rarely have these moments of supreme runner defeat but when I do it’s bad.¬† I haven’t felt like this since high school when I knew a big race was coming up and I wanted to reach a certain time but was afraid I had bitten off more than I can chew.¬† It’s hard to motivate yourself but I have to when I am doing this for me.¬† No high school championship anymore.¬† No section of the city newspaper with my name and time.¬† No one congratulating¬†me between classes and in the halls.¬† No one even knows my name.¬† No one knows who I am.¬† I do it for me.¬† To challenge myself to keep reaching.¬† To continue breaking down physical (and mental) barriers.¬† To try even in the face of my own self-doubt.¬† Even when I know I can cheat and no one will ever know.¬† I will know.¬† In the end, the time won’t matter.¬† I’ll still have a medal that says I completed blah blah blah miles.¬† Until then, I need to strengthen my resolve and not b*tch up and p*ssy out.¬†¬†Even cry if I need to.¬† Twenty¬†seven days¬†to go…

June 27, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , | Leave a comment

My loooong weekend….

A lot of things happened this weekend.¬† This weekend was my sorority chapter’s reunion anniversary.¬† Soror¬†T was supposed to drive up Friday night, sleep at my apt, and then we were to drive down to Purdue¬†the next morning.¬† Well, Soror¬†T packed more into her Friday than she should have so she fell asleep on her couch instead of getting on her way to Chicago.¬† At 5am, I called which woke her up so she grabbed her bags, jumped into the car, and made it to Chicago at about 7:45am.¬† She hadn’t showered, brushed her teeth, washed her face, etc in a hurry to make the events on time and pick me up.¬† When we finally got there, I was excited to see sorors¬†and chit chat until everything started because obviously everyone was on CP (colored people) time!¬† Well, the hotel was in my name but soror¬†T wanted to go wash up, however, I wasn’t tryna¬†leave.¬† So, I transferred¬†the hotel into her name under her credit card so she could go wash her butt and meet us back on campus.¬† We walked around campus while everyone was trying to remembering where they used to have class, what building used to be here, and how they used to love that building over there.¬† We made it to the BCC (Black Cultural Center) for a formal tour when Soror¬†T asked where we were.¬† She said she was going to Wal-Mart…..ok.¬† Fast forward, we all branch off to check-in our hotels, shop for Purdue or ZPB¬†stuff and grab lunch before dinner.¬† Soror¬†T calls talking about she didn’t plan to sit in the hotel room all day.¬† Um, who you getting an attitude with?!¬† No one told you to sit in the hotel.¬† Then she said no one called her cause she needed to eat too.¬† At this point I felt like I had a grown baby on my hands.¬† She makes her way back to campus right when everyone was going to the hotel so she made a U-turn.¬†

Soror¬†T used her credit card for the hotel which still a hold on it from last week when she thought she’d lost her wallet.¬† Since the card was declined, she had to use cash.¬† No big deal to someone else but this chick is always broke!¬† I had to hear her complain about not knowing how she was gonna get home, how she didn’t have money for tolls, and how she was wasting gas driving around.¬† Last homecoming she came with no money and complained the entire time.¬† Last summer to went to FL and she complained the whole time about not having money so I couldn’t go to this museum because I wasn’t gonna pay for her to get in too.¬† I have a budget too!¬† This is the last time I travel anywhere with her.¬† She’s a cool person but your poor financial situation or money skills should not be someone’s else problem.¬† Then, we went to the bars that night after the ball and she was buying drinks looking at us like we were crazy.¬† I thought you were broke.¬† Then my ex shows up looking GQ (everyone felt the need to tell me this) and walked past me in the hallway interrupting my phone conversation (I guess my cell phone was invisible) just to ask if I had found someone to watch the kids.¬† What difference does it make?!¬† You can’t help me anyways so don’t worry about it.¬† Asshole!¬† Sometime Saturday I injured¬†my shoulder possibly straining it so all day I was having sharp pains near my left shoulder blade¬†that radiated down my left arm.¬† I wore an Icy/Hot patch (forgoing fashion here) hoping it would ease the pain but I think it made it worse so I went to the hospital for x-rays (pointless), Valium¬†to relax the muscle, and a pain-killer¬†shot.¬† By the time I left, I was drowsy and ready to sleep still wearing my dress w/a white flower in my hair.¬† Soror C was in the room with me so when the nurse told me to undress from the waist up, she had to help me take off my sweater I was wearing over my dress, unbutton and slide down the left side for me, and unbutton my bra.¬† I felt helpless and didn’t wanna move my arm out of fear of that pain.

There were a lot of moments which irritated me this weekend but it was the usual women-getting-together-to-do-anything moment so it was excusable.¬† What took the cake was my sister who asked me for $180.¬† Something told me not to give it to her whether Mr. D volunteered it or not.¬† He did give me the money but I only gave her $50 of it and gave the rest back to him.¬† She watched my kids all weekend and texted me asking if she could drop them off at another sister’s apt so she could do homework.¬† Whatever.¬† You knew you had homework all weekend so why procrastinate¬†this time?¬† Then I asked if she’d taken them to see Alice in Wonderland (her idea)….she said “no”.¬† I asked for the money back which I gave her to take my kids to the movie….she had the nerve to ask if I really wanted it back.¬† Is it not my money?¬† Did you ever plan on taking the kids to the movies?¬† Or did you lie to get extra money from me?¬† Whatever the case, I wanted my money back which she gave my oldest…she was $2 short but I let it go.¬† That evening she text me saying I am inconsiderate and how she won’t be doing me any more favors (babysitting).¬† She said I showed my true colors today (we’re sisters….how could you NOT know how I am) and will get the kids when she wants to get them.¬† I replied asking her how I had been inconsiderate.¬† She said, “if you don’t know then it’s not meant for you to know”….dumb response which shows her level of intellect so I left it alone.¬† Then she told me to pay someone else who is not family to baby-sit cause she ain’t helping me out anymore and Ma always said I was selfish.

Ok, so I ask my sisters all the time to watch my kids because a)I know them b)they are family and c)usually they are free or cheap compared to strangers¬†who baby-sit for income.¬† One sister told me I only call when I want her to baby-sit which I dnt¬†see the problem if I pay you for it….what’s up with the complaining?!¬† My mama calling me selfish can go various ways.¬† She asked me to buy¬†her a car since my credit is better, she used some of my money from a lawsuit to go shopping so now she’s bankrupt, she has this list of expensive things she wants for Mother’s Day/her birthday/Christmas but buy me cheap shyt¬†she find in an Avon book, and she tried to intercept my 2nd check from¬†the lawsuit¬†by calling the office, pretending to be me by giving them my SS#, and had the check set-up to be mailed to her house instead.¬† When I called and found this out, the attorney who was over the case told me to set-up a password so this doesn’t happen again and my mom was pissed about it.¬† I told my uncle (her brother) about it and he said that’s “blood money” so if my sister hadn’t die I wouldn’t have it as if I asked for the money.¬† As if I traded my sister’s life for $68,000 (total amount for all 3 pymts).¬† As if I was the one trying to steal from my own child.¬† That was the last time I spoke to him because, being the only sane one in this¬†family, they have a way of making me feel like I’m abnormal & greedy too.¬† So, my sister saying my mom always said I was selfish was hilarious!¬† I’m only selfish if I don’t give them (or her) what she wants.¬† As far as doing me a favor, I dnt need them to baby-sit….I was just trying to save money and use family because I thought that’s one of the things family do….help each other out.

When I first moved back to Chicago, I was in a bad financial situation.¬† I was trying to hold onto my job, continue my car pymts, pay rent, groceries, and almost $300/week for childcare out in the northern suburbs of Chicago.¬† No one offered to help me!¬† I had my ex keep my youngest til I got my situation under control but I never made it home in time for the 6pm closing of the various daycare centers (traffic and snow) so my oldest was kicked out.¬† Last minute with no back-up and couldn’t afford to lose my job, I left my son at home alone when the school bus dropped him off after school.¬† I think I did that for 2 weeks max before I was found out and Child Protective Services were called in.¬† My pastor at the time reassured them the church will help me so there was no need for the state to take my kids away from me.¬† I couldn’t say anything but cry.¬† Everyone at the church asked if my mom could help and I told him “no” but they wanted me to ask anyways….so I did.¬† My mom, the unselfish one, told me she’ll only help me out if I signed over my parental rights to my son which means she wanted to bank off her grandson and file him on her taxes and all that good stuff.¬† I told her “no” and shook my head at the idea that folks think my family is the least bit caring.¬† Inconsiderate?¬† Selfish?¬† Bad mom?¬† I have been the latter of the three but never the first two and it’s all because I don’t just hand over money to people who think they deserve it.¬† No one helped me through school, paid my bills or tuition, no one helped me move much less find a job to move for, and no one has helped me since then.¬† I did cry when my sister told me this because I’ve been trying hard to prove I am anything but those things but they only want to see what they want.¬† To get mad at me for asking for my change back is ridiculous and to think it’s my responsibility to financially support any of them is absurd esp when you talk about me behind my back.¬† Who needs enemies?

On a happier note, I applied for a Director of Financial Student Services maybe a week ago and received an email asking me to come in for an interview.¬† I emailed her back and called her number included in the email.¬† Also, I was job searching on Monster when I saw an open Treasury¬†Analyst I position at the same company I was did co-training for.¬† I applied via Monster and I emailed the Treasury Analyst IV who was in the training asking her to forward my resume directly to the manager (her boss) of the Treasury Dept.¬† She said “absolutely” and how it’s not bad to need to expand your horizons.¬† The Director position is a tad bit over my head as far as the management experience (I have none) but I meet the qualifications as far as finance goes.¬† The position calls for managing folks within the Financial Aid dept so maybe they think I can learn how to manage folks…I dnt know.¬† The Director position is far into the ‘burbs so I’d definitely need to get a car but the pay is$70-80k so we shall see.¬† Still going to apply elsewhere too.¬† The Treasury Analyst position is the one I really want although I’m sure the salary is no were near $70k but I really would prefer that job over the Director one lol I must be crazy, huh?¬† That is it.¬† I go back to work Wednesday so I need to rest up some more and suck down some more pain killers and just forget about family….you can’t make everyone like you.

April 19, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dear God

writing3Father,

 

I am trying to be strong‚Ķ.in the face of fear and I mean this literally, I am trying to be strong.¬† I try to do what I think you would want me to do but I don‚Äôt see anything improving‚Ķ.I guess an improvement to me would be its exit from my life but that has yet to happen.¬† Why?¬† I asked to you take it away but it is still here.¬† I asked you in tears and it is still here.¬† I asked you sincerely and it is still here.¬† Am I breaking?¬† No.¬† Is my faith wavering?¬† No.¬† I know too much and have too many great examples to know better.¬† I know who did wrong, who did well, and why you thought they had done well.¬† But why me?¬† You remember Job?¬† He was a righteous man‚Ķ.upright‚Ķ.God fearing.¬† You said that about him to Satan.¬† You remember?¬† That is not me.¬† Righteous?¬† Upright?¬† By nature because humans walk on their hind legs but upright in a biblical or moral sense?¬† God-fearing?¬† What does that even mean?¬† Did Satan ask you about me?¬† You remember he asked about Job?¬† Tell that muthafreak to keep my name out his mouth!¬† I didn‚Äôt curse‚Ķ.wanted to but I didn‚Äôt‚Ķ.he always starting ‚Äėish!¬† Or did you do this?¬† God?

 

I do not hate you.  I prayed to you.  I talked to you.  I outright pleaded with you.  Nothing.  Part of me wants to be upset.  Part of me wants to think you don’t hear me.  Part of me wants to think you have left me.  Part of want to think you despise me.  Part of me wants to think you are laughing at me.  Part of me….  Because I can’t sleep!  I sleep but a full night’s rest?  I forgot what that is like!  I wanna cut my own ears off.  I wanna poke my own eyes out.  I wanna turn off all of my sensory abilities.  I wanna dig a hole and crawl in and never come back out.  I have no peace I my own home!  I can’t relax in my own home!  I can’t exhale when I get home from a day at work!  I miss my home.  I miss my sanity.  I miss my boring uneventful regularly routine life. 

 

It is starting isn’t it?  My thoughts….when I feel them I try to re-direct them.  Instruct them to go away.  Sometimes I feel like I am not me anymore.  I am strong but only as strong as you are.  I am wise but only as wise as you have made me.  I am equipped but only as equipped as I know you can make me.  So why now?  Why this?  Why me?  Why?  While we are taking about unanswered prayers how about an answered one….I asked you to take something away and you didn’t.  I did the same thing I did before that I am doing now but for a completely different.  I asked for a sign that this is where I need to be…that sign being a text message with a scripture….I got that.  Fast forward, I asked for another sign from you (suddenly I felt like Mz. Gideon over here) but this time I said a scripture in any form of communication….I got that too. 

 

So, you see, I know you hear me….I know you do.  I won’t cry….that much.  I won’t worry….at all.  I won’t be afraid….entirely.  I will wait for you….yes, my of little patience….I have no choice but to wait.  Well, I do have a choice but I think if this is really a test I will surely fail with flying colors and that is something I do not want to do.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will recite my scriptures so that it and you can hear me.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will sing to you for it can hear me too.  Tonight, and each night thereafter, I will talk to you and let it hear and see me talking to you.  All I ask is that, tonight and each night thereafter, you send the Comforter to me so I don’t feel as alone as I do sometimes. 

 

XOXO,

Me

 

January 29, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Recent Dreams

deathEvery single day it never fails … I always have something to write about.¬† Today it is about dreams … more specifically, dreams about death.¬† These have always resulted in fear because, in the past, I have had dreams about people dying and they later died.¬† So, to read some stuff on-line about interpreting dreams gives me little comfort but I will seriously change my thoughts and focus on the more favorable on-line explanation than my own from experience.¬†

Last night, I had a dream that my oldest child died.¬† This is the second time I have dreamt him dying and each time I wake up scared but the interesting part is what my mind tells me as soon as I grasp it was just a dream.¬† When I wake up, meaning when I realized it was nothing¬†more than¬†a dream whether I have opened my eyes or not, I started praying that God would cover my child and protect him.¬† I did it last night … I did it the¬†last time of the dream … I will continue to.¬† This is what one website said about a child dying and the coincidence is that my child is actually seven yrs old:

If you dream of seeing a child‚Äôs coffin or you hear of a young child‚Äôs death in a dream, ask yourself how old you felt the child was. For example, if you felt the child was aged seven, then ask yourself what you might have ended seven years ago or what ended for you when you were seven. Dreams often are quite accurate with numbers but less literal in other areas. So the seven-year-old dead child may also represent something that ended for you seven weeks ago, or when you were in grade seven or when you lived at house number seven.”

Another dream I had maybe two weeks ago was about a male friend of mine.¬† In this dream, like the last one about my child, there were no details of a death or how the death happens or why … I am simply told they have died and I feel the pain as if it is real.¬† I feel time stand still.¬† I feel my heart racing.¬† I feel my mind drifting to their face.¬† I see our times together flash before my eyes.¬† Everything I have ever felt when I learned a loved one has died is exactly what I felt in my dreams.¬† The difference between my child and this friend of mine is that I cried uncontrollably for him but not for my own child.¬† I was seriously¬†doing the ugly cry¬†so hard in my dream that I woke up and was still crying.¬† I had to force myself to stop crying way after I realized it was just a dream … but I never shed a tear for my own child.

I prayed for my child … I did not for¬†my friend.¬† I was struck with fear when I learned about my child passing … but not for my friend.¬† I reacted by running and kneeling¬†at God’s throne for my child … but I just sat there and cried alone for my friend.¬† I felt confident that God had things in His control for my child … for my friend I was still clueless the next day.¬† At first, I took it as if I did not¬†love my child as I do my friend but that is far from the truth after I analyzed the differences that took place thereafter in how I reacted.¬† I gave my child to God, handed over control for his life into His hands and that keeps me sane as a parent because I would serious kill myself by sheer worry.¬† Is control the issue?¬† Have I yet to release something?¬† Although I did not outright plead with¬†God to spare my child’s life I did make it clear that Him taking him was not something I wanted.¬† I fought in a way.¬† I did not fight¬†for my friend.¬† I sat there and consoled myself with my tears.¬†¬† This is what some websites said about this dream concerning my friend:

If the dead person in the¬†dream is¬†actually a living person – and esp if that person is your partner or parent or sibling – the dream may be expressing unconscious resentment towards that person, or¬†a desire to be independent of that person.¬† Feelings toward someone close are often ambivalent (conflicting): love or respect mixed with fear or hatred or resentment or jealousy.¬† Death is a symbol of a new beginning and a time to let go of past or old things for this rebirth.¬† For years in our family it has meant that someone in the family would soon be wed and the wedding would be beautiful.¬†¬† In some circles it means a birth, the opposite of death.”

Lastly, I did have a dream some time ago where my father and sister were present both of whom have passed on.  While I was looking up death I read this about dreams where loved ones are present who have already gone on home. 

To talk to a dead relative is a sign of great good luck.¬† Does the dream contain a dead person you actually knew?¬† If so, the dream may mean you should take notice of what he or she said or did, or of what happened to him or her.¬† The dead person is ‘coming back’, not to haunt you but to advise and help you (the dead person actually represents parts of your unconscious self that is wiser than your waking ego).”

Well, that is all for today.  Dreams about things I never want to dream about but, if this on-line information is anywhere close to being true, then I would rather dream about death than weddings because apparently they mean the exact opposite of what they stand for in reality.

January 18, 2009 Posted by | Me | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tearless Cries

crying_girl-2072

I read that tearless cries are the worse cries there are simply because the sorrow seen in your eyes are not evident through the act of crying.  Crying is a release of built up emotions and grief felt inside but no one knows your inner pain.  No one sees your inner pain.  No one knows you are even in pain because you refuse to let your tears fall.  I admit I have pride when I know I should not.  My pride has prevented me from talking about it.  My pride has prevented me from acknowledging it.  My pride has made me pick up a mask and place it over my face to hide the pain someone might see in the absence of my tears.

Feel my feelings is what they say – it is an important part of hurting.¬† I feel my feelings only a tad bit because my mind is standing guard¬†trying to¬†make sense to me.¬† My mind tends to work in overdrive and it simply cannot explain to my heart what happened.¬† It is illogical and irrational.¬† It does not¬† show that¬†‘B’ is missing from the A+B+C=D.¬† My heart and mind speak two different languages so I don’t even know why I bother!¬† Linear … I cannot overcome myself but, at the same time, must I overcome myself to accommodate someone else?¬† That’s another blog.¬† So, I feel hurt.¬† I feel sad.¬† I feel miserable.¬† I feel pathetic even admitting this but that means I am on the right path and should continue if I hope to get over it.¬†

I feel down.¬† I feel like it is ok for me to talk about it.¬† I feel ok with chillin at home (esp since it’s below zero outside right now).¬† I feel¬†I¬†do need time to myself.¬† I feel like I am getting by ok where I am.¬† I feel strong in my moments of weakness.¬† Earlier today, in the midst of feeling ‘ok’ I was sitting here when this state of sadness came over me.¬† Like a wave, this overwhelming sadness engulfed me and all I could do was sit down and feel it.¬† Absorb it.¬† Acknowledge it.¬† Allow it to come and do it’s thing and let it leave when it is time.¬† Time.¬† One thing I have no problem placing on grief because the worst thing you can do is bring emotional baggage into your future.

There is a rainbow after the storm.¬† I have even seen a rainbow during a storm as it begins to ease up.¬† I will see my rainbow but, for now, I am ceasing my tearless cries … allowing those close to me to see my hurt … and acknowledging that someone meant this much to me that I need to feel my feelings before I move on to the next stage.¬† Ruin my mascara.¬† Smear my lipstick.¬† Mess up my bangs.¬† Redden my eyes and cause them to¬†look puffy.¬† Write some thoughts.¬† Read my thoughts.¬† Delete my thoughts later.¬† Pride?¬† Yeah, my well-being trumps my pride any day – pride has officially left the building!

January 16, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment