32B's Blog

…where I write my words

One Funk-a-delic Mood

oh_yeah___grrrrrrrrr_by_albertofotoHave you ever had a feeling so potent and so revealing you couldn’t even write about it?  Potent because the sheer absorption of it rattles you noticeably.  Revealing because it threatens to tear down the rock-rough-and-tough-with-my-afro-puffs shell you carry around.  Can I write about it?  I don’t have any other choice since the sun is setting so running at this time of day is a definite no-no for me and I need to get this off my chest.  My Twitter update says, “sometimes just sometimes you need a damn time out and an actual friend to vent to“.  Right now I do need a time out which is why I stopped packing for my trip and am now sitting here writing this.  An actual friend.  I have one but more times than not they aren’t the drop-what-you-are-doing-to-come-see-about-you friend so I guess I don’t have one.  I always heard about that kind.  Thought I had one of those until I realized my shirt was soaked from lending them my shoulder but my chest was still heavy with things I needed to release.  Every time.  All the time.  Selfish ass people!!

I got an email about an hour ago containing pertinent information which made me stop what I was doing to investigate as I do so well.  I picked up the phone to call bypassing the “hello’s” and got right to the meat of the situation.  I need to know the when, where, why, and how, since I already had a dumbfounded look of “what?!” on my face.  I knew this was coming but knowing or even expecting doesn’t mean anything when it’s on your doorstep.  What is the issue?  What has me writing a blog and wanting to run simultaneously to rid myself of this?  Significant others.  Everyone seems to have one.  Every single friend I usually call either has one or has met one recently so their time is limited to tend to lil ole me.  Everyone seems to be getting engaged and married.  Everyone seems to be planning couple trips, retreats, and regular ole sit-on-the-couch-and-cuddle moments.  Everyone except me.  Yeah, I know.  God has it all in His hands right next to the freakin world.  Right now I don’t wanna focus on what I know….I just wanna vent because venting is so healthy and realistic and human.  I need to feel this human feeling of desiring companionship.

Then one of my occupied and/or semi-busy friends will say, “but you don’t want a relationship!”  I know that right now because all I have met is crap.  I even tell every single semi-busy and/or occupied friend about guys I meet, the scenarios inbetween, why things didn’t work out, and I even ask that dreaded question “is it me???”  Out of the roughly 10 people I call and tell everything to not so much because we are that close but to get an outside view on things and trend the resulting opinions for a good analysis, they all absolutely hate every guy I have met this year.  Hate.  Capital H to the A followed by the T ending in the E.  Hate.  Some have even gone as far as to say, “it’s about damn time you cut them loose! You deserve better and he ain’t it.”  From guys.  From girls.  Same result.  So, is it me or was it ever me?  Of course.  They agree that I’m a Queen B sometimes, I talk to people as if they are stupid for not seeing things my way, and I sometimes need to stop talking (and writing) because not everyone can bear to hear (or read) how I REALLY feel.  Other than those things I seriously need to work on, both genders agree that I am not defective goods.  In need of a tune-up…..yes.  Nothing but scrap metal….no.  Still doesn’t change the fact that I was born a freaking human and a woman at that which makes this crap ten times worse.  Along with being a human woman, I have this insatiable need to want to share my life with someone of the male gender. 

I am beginning to feel a whole lot better now so this writing crap is good for something but it still does not change the fact that right now I am a heap of emotional, sensitive, self-doubting, “am I pretty?”, “am I smart?” mess in need of some validation that I am not defective goods.  That I just need to be patient.  I have no choice but to be patient but I’m just saying….tryna write out my thoughts still.  There you go.  I’m lonely right now and my weak soft interior is fully exposed to all of blogville to see (read).  Going back to packing since there ain’t ‘ish I can do about anything related to this situation other than turn my music loud as hell to drown out my own thoughts and pray that God sends me a perfect man along with some good ole drop-what-you-are-doing-to-come-see-about-me friends.  Til then…I’ll be vacationing in FL for a few days since summer never really made it to Chicago this year.  Thanks for reading guys.  I promise I will be outta this funk in 5…4….3…2….ok I don’t know when.  Smooches.

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July 15, 2009 Posted by | Love | , , , , | 2 Comments