32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Spirits & Faith

The little girl, not yet 2 years old, walked up to her grandmother and said, “grandma, can you open the door for Mommy and the blue angels?”  The little girl’s grandmother stood there frozen looking into the innocent eyes of her grandchild before slowly looking up towards her closed front door.  Her daughter, the little girl’s mother, had died no more than 24 hours ago.  Hours later, the little girl’s dad came by to pick up his daughter.  “Daddy, mommy came to tell me good-bye”….that is what daddy remembers years later while her daughter does not remember ever saying such a thing and struggles with her own acceptance of the Christian faith because some things just do not “add up”.  Daddy is a co-worker of mine.  His wife died in a car accident.  Could his wife have possibly told their young daughter good-bye hours after they had gotten the news? 

I have always believed in spirits – the good and the bad ones.  I cannot remember when I knew this for sure but I think it was the first thing in life I was ever sure about.  I have countless stories of spirits.  The story above was shared from my co-worker during our lunch hour this past Friday.  This co-worker had his own personal story about his grandfather passing away and coming to tell him good-bye before the family got word he had passed.  Another co-worker also had a story about her aunt coming to say good-bye before her family got word she had also passed away.  Why were we even discussing this at work?  It started with a conversation I walked in on about the mark of the beast. 

I made chilli at home and brought it in for lunch.  Heated it in the microwave and carried it into our “lunchroom” where two other Christian co-workers were discussing the mark of the beast as if it was the latest reality TV show.  I listened having no idea what the hell they were talking about.  They discussed how those who were marked would show such a mark on the backs of their hands and foreheads.  Those marked would not be unable to do simply tasks such as buy groceries thus unable to participate in many activities with those living unmarked.  I am no stranger to asking stupid questions so I said, “what are you two talking about?”  Revelations.  The story about those persons being marked and whether or not the separation would happen first or the marking or both simultaneously.  A co-worker asked if I had ever read Revelations because, in all honesty, how can you be a Christian and not know what your faith believes in or know what will eventually happen concerning those of that faith?  My answer:  I read Revelations years ago and only because I was told I would receive a blessing after reading it.  I should probably read it again, huh?

Revelations is confusing to me to say the least.  Most believe that the stories of what shall happen may be more so metaphorical than literal.  Most believe majority of the Bible is written in this way.  Then, we began to discuss which denomination we each belong to.  One is Pentecostal, another Catholic I think, the third Presbyterian, and I am…..I don’t know.  I told of how I grew up Baptist as did one other co-worker in the room but now I just desire to be a label-less Christian although non-denominational carries a label anyways. 

Law School and I talked about religion, faith, prayer, and our different views on things relating to this.  The most uncomfortable conversation ever because I had to admit I have questions, went through a period of doubt, and am now right where I started from knowing more than I knew 3 or 4 years ago but not sure if the more I learn truly leads to more certainty.  He asked if I fear God.  Silence.  Uncomfortable silence.  I asked, “what do you mean?” not really to get him to explain such a simple question but to give myself time to word my answer carefully.  Yes, always a victim of impressing man.  “Do you have fear of God punishing you, fear you have to live a certain way, or fear that He does have the power to do what He says?”  I explained how my fear comes when I think death is near, when I think someone I love is in danger, when I feel I am walking quickly down the wrong path and time might not allow me to get my repentance in in time.  I do have a healthy dose of fear that I reap what I sow, that I know He knows I know right from wrong even when I knowingly chose wrong over right more times than not, and I have this fear that I will die before I fully come clean in a sense. 

Then I was asked about faith.  I gave my textbook answer which satisfied the person asking but not myself.  Anything textbook is common knowledge and, just because I can recite what it is does not mean I have it.  Then we discussed prayer and I realized I may be the most selfish person when it comes to prayer.  I explained how I talk mostly rather than ask for anything.  I hardly ever ask for anything because my life, at this point, is good.  I literally want for nothing that I feel I cannot live without.  Do I pray for others?  My family?  My friends?  The world?  Those starving?  Dying in war?  Living without knowing God?  No, I do not.  I give thanks for them but pray asking they remain in continued safety.  Am I out of touch with the world?  I might be.  Here I was the Queen of Q&A being interrogated by someone who made me feel like I was doing a piss poor job as a Christian.  No blame was played but I felt it internally because I knew I could do better, do more, and for others.  I did voluntarily let him in on the psycho overly analytical Devil’s Advocate mess that is sometimes me telling him if I ever die I would be hurt if someone wrote in my obituary that I accepted Christ at an early age.  I did not.  I only knew what I was accepting 3 or 4 years ago and, even then, I went into it as I do now….with an abundance of questions and concerns.  God probably accepted me at birth but I denied Him fervently until I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt while shrouded in doubt that I am willing to die for what I believe in.  If you had asked me that years ago I would have said “yes” because that answer is expected as I fooled man easily.  Ask me now and I say “yes” while man doubts me. 

It is almost 2am on Sunday morning.  I fell asleep at about 10pm but now I am wide awake just thinking.  It’s times like this when I wish I had someone to roll over and talk to about all the random things floating around in my head.  Until I find that person to wake up and piss off at 2am with my nonstop chatter, this blog will just have to do.

November 14, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

Safe?

I haven’t been to church since some time in April or March or February….I really can’t remember.  I was the Prayer Ministry librarian but Rev. Allen called asking if she can keep the books since they have more new members who need to get caught up esp since the ministry is on the second to last book of the series.  I dropped the books off to another Prayer Warrior during one of my wfh days.  Then Rev. Allen called today wondering if I was attending the Prayer Ministry meeting this Saturday esp since my name was on a lot of ministry documents.  So, was I with them or not?  I said “no”.  She asked if I had joined a church already.  I said “no”.  She said I know that is not of God, right?  I was not going to agree at all but since she put “right?” at the end I kinda had to so I said “yeah”. 

Then she mentioned how my kids and I were outside the arc of safety and how, if I wasn’t in sin before, I am on my way there because Satan sees me.  I understand her point and I know she is looking out for me….however, it felt like a scare tactic.  I thought we are in sin anyways.  I thought we are sin while in church too.  I honestly haven’t changed anything I have done since joining the church, since leaving the church, or since joining the church again and leaving again.  All my sin God already sees and knows.  It doesn’t make it any better but I haven’t add any new sin other than the “forsaking the assembly” sin which Rev. Allen mentioned as well.  So, that means I shall start going back to church this Sunday.  I will not attend my former church and will not venture to say I never will but it’s not at the top of my To-Do list.

Rev. Allen asked if I was over the “situation”.  She asked if my sister had moved on from it.  She mentioned how others involved had moved on.  She suggested I ask God for assistance in getting over the “situation” (although I never said that was the reason I stopped going) and that I should repent and take my rightful place.  I just want to leave things in the past where they should belong.  I want to go on and live my life.  I will start going to another church (yes, I hear folks yelling that things will not change no matter where I go…..I know) and at least make the effort to not forsake the assembly.  One day, I will write a book.  I will write a book and outline every single hour of my life focusing on the highlights in painstakingly detail and all the key players who have touched my life in some way.  One day, I hope people will try to understand that every decision I make is not a diss toward God and his assembly.  She even said I was never one of those people she dreamed would come to church once or twice a month or not at all.  She said I was too “faithful” to become such a person. 

I am so confused right now.  I am at that point where I am not sure I am doing something because I want to, because Satan is on my heels, or because God is about to rain fire on me in 5 seconds.  I swear being a Christian was much easier when I didn’t get so involved in church, meeting people, making friends and foes, and just becoming more than a pew warmer.  Being a Christian was perfect when no one knew my name.  I went to church every Sunday, I went to Bible study every Wednesday, I paid exactly 10% to tithes every Sunday, I prayed often at will, and I stopped having sex (that was the biggest struggle).  Then I moved to Chicago and all hell broke loose.  I am not forsaking the assembly….I am trying to find that pure place again.  The purity when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the “why” I was doing A, B, C, and D.  Rev. Allen said I must go to church not to say “I’m here now leave me alone” but because I want to be there.  There’s a catch-22 to everything when all I want is to figure things out.

May 5, 2010 Posted by | Christian, Life | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Color Me Bad

It took me a weekend to get back to the normal me so now I feel better.  Saturday I spent hours that night applying to jobs, researching which certifications are in demand, and figuring out how to better position myself for a better opportunity.  I’m not in search of more money but in search of satisfaction.  I keep asking myself what would I do even if I didn’t get paid for it and my answer is always running but I have my days when I don’t feel like running so my real answer would be nothing.  If I could get paid to do nothing that would be great but, if I had to choose, if I could get paid to do something it would involve about 5 things which kinda defeats the point of the question itself.  Sunday I did laundry but I ran out of laundry detergent so I didn’t finish.  I applied for more jobs which I liked which weren’t many.  And I cleaned up.  Well, I gave the kids tasks and I did the things they usually half-ass due to age. 

I have gotten to the point of letting things go or at least I am trying.  My co-worker asked if Mr. D and I go to the same church and I wanted to say “I dnt go to a church at all” but instead I said “no”.  My soror asked if I’d gone to church and I said “no” and then she asked if I was an atheist again and I laughed and said “no” again.  I stopped answering the phone for Prayer Line on saturday mornings often because I don’t go to sleep until past midnight and other times because I don’t think I should continue with it anymore.  I haven’t talked to Mama Allen in months.  I haven’t talked to anyone really.  Someone asked if I was against the establishment of organized religion.  I didn’t know how to answer that.  I have been told that I will find the same problems in any and every other church I go to.  Well, that leaves me perfectly content staying at home.  Someone asked if I cared about my kids and teaching them about Christianity.  I am confident in my own abilities to teach them everything I know including what I never learned in church.  

Some things I do not agree with and it’s present in every church.  Some things I have questioned since I was young that I see in every church.  Some things should be overlooked in favor of Christian fellowship.  Some things should be ignored in favor of having some place to give your time, talents, and treasures.  Some things are bigger and more serious than people care to admit.  I passed a church….honestly, I walked pass millions of churches and saw names in big bold letters on the outside.  When did it become important to know who is pastoring or leading the church?  Why isn’t it more important to announce the denomination instead?  Just thoughts I have had.  I walked into quite a few churches and saw huge pictures of men in leadership inside the church.  Where is the picture of white Jesus?  Or the brown Jesus most black people put up?  Why is this guy on this huge ass picture instead of Jesus?  Who are we following?  Are we Thomasians (Pastor Thomas) instead of Christians (Jesus the Christ)?  Why do we go to church once a week to worship Christ but about 4 times a week to worship the men in leadership for their big days (anniversaries)?  I do not agree.

Nothing more than I do not agree.  I am not saying these things are wrong.  I am not saying these things are against God because I don’t know how He feels about it.  I am not saying anything other than “I do not agree”.  I thought this same thing as a youngster but my father was associate minister eager to climb the ladder and get his own church so I kept quiet.  He also had a good backhand so I didn’t wanna injury this pretty face of mine.  I thought the same during college when friends went to church Sunday morning after partying and laying up with ol’ dude Saturday night.  I did the same things too and had plans on doing it next weekend as well so I didn’t wanna lie to myself or fake the phunk.  I didn’t agree with it.  It is not to say they shouldn’t have, should apologize to me, or should change their ways.  The beauty of disagreements is the freedom to have an opinion but not impose that opinion.  Just to have one is beautiful.  I thought the same here but church people from various places in the USA whom I call friends have told me “that’s what churches do” and I agreed.  That is what churches do but that does not mean I have to follow the crowd and participate. 

Other than that, I am the bad girl who does not attend church anymore, who does not pray on the Prayer Line, who does not believe all in the Bible, whose friends joke is an atheist, who questions everything so I know in what I believe, who does not think even man is qualified to lead no matter how many were “appointed” by God, who is in complete disagreement with more than I am in agreement with.  There is more I would like to type (financial matters in the church) but I promised I would not since it is sensitive information and, frankly, I should not know about it anyways.  I color myself bad so I can stand out in direct opposition until someone can give me an adequate explanation of “why” as opposed to “it’s tradition”.  Let’s see if I will make it to Heaven with no active/current church membership.  I guess if ol’ dude hanging with Jesus (literally) on Calvary can make it to Heaven without the earthly hoops to jump through then I should be good too.

April 13, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

What Is Devout?

Is_it_only_devotion__by_aldreiOne day, a friend I work with asked how my dating life was coming along and if I was seeing anyone new.  We often update each other on our personal lives when we have a chance which isn’t often since most of his time is spent outside the office traveling or working from home.  Well, I told him I was dating this one guy and he asked me those basic questions like what does he do for a living, does he have kids, how old is he, is he a Christian, etc.  My friend is also a Christian but we have had our share of disagreements because he, in my opinion, can be quite republican in his religious views.  I say that to mean, he can be close-minded, judgemental, excessively critical, by-the-book, and suffer from a superiority complex from time to time (now who’s judging who?!).  The funny thing is that we disagree more on doctrine than our shared faith….another topic altogether.  Anywho, so I gave him the scoop but, in my response to the last question, I replied that the guy I’m seeing is a devout Christian.  My friend smiled eagerly and said, “really? is he abstaining from sex too?”  My friend has been celibate since he “gave his life to Christ” but when I frowned and answered “no” to his question, he shook his head and asked, “then how can you say he’s devout?!”  Hmmm.  I mutter “I don’t know” because we clearly had different views of the word devout and I needed time to simmer on it before I answered. 

This is what I concluded after my simmer: devout, by definition, means to adhere strongly and completely to something (normally a religious belief) and to sustain that devotion indefinitely.  That’s a paraphrased definition I got from dictionary.com which did not mention how this devotion is measured or quantified….it simply defined it.  In my opinion, the Bible clearly tells me how my devotion is measured as it relates to Christainity….by my faith.  That is the determining factor and that is all that pleases God.  People around me can only guess at best how strong and devout I am in my Christian faith by how I stand on my faith which is most tested during difficult times.  When I mentioned how devout the guy I’m dating is, I was speaking of his faith in Christ because I know all he has been through, I know the moments he’s almost turned his back on God, and I know the moments that have strengthened him.  I wasn’t using his actions or behavior as a ruler to judge how devout he was.  It was instinctive of me to say he’s devout because he has believed when others have honestly given up, he has believed when others have cursed God, and he has searched the Bible and prayed fervently during those hard times when he forgot what to believe.  Yes, I know what things he did that made God frown (some of those things we did together if you wanna keep it real) however I know where he stands and I know on what we all need to stand on and that’s faith.  Actions have never been a determining factor or cause to exclude someone or discredit their beliefs….I hear it all the time when preachers say God can use anyone even the crackhead standing on the corner or the whore down the street.  I read or hear about the many in the Bible who were used by God but had some questionable behaviors that were in direct contradiction to their purpose.   But maybe, just maybe, their purpose and less than squeaky clean lifestyle go hand in hand.  I think I’m getting off subject….

As I stated earlier, I often disagree with my friend and we fall out over it but I still hold my ground.  Not everyone believes your doctrine and follows it.  Not everyone believes that actions, good behaviors, and following the 10 commandments til death will get you into Heaven.  I am one of those because if this faith was based on good actions and behaviors alone I wouldn’t have a chance in hell!  Well, actually I would if you put it that way.  The way he frowned up at my “devout” statement was as if I used the Lord’s name in vain or something.  I am not excusing any sinful behaviors….let’s make that clear here.  Nor am I saying it’s ok to do A, B, C, and D as long as you can move that mountain over there just by commanding it by faith.  All I’m saying is that I have yet to read any where that says a person can please God with actions alone, good works alone, or doing anything that is clearly obvious from the outside.  And (in my opinion) faith is the cornerstone, foundation, soil, fertilizer, carbs, protein, basis, predecessor, catalyst for a necessary internal reaction to even begin to generate an external change (again, in my opinion only).  I still believe the guy I was dating is devout. It just wasn’t until this moment that I realized that “devout” may have different definitions, meanings, gauges, and rules of what does and does not apply but it has also further reiterated how man continues to choke the Christ out of humanity with all these stipulations.  Sometimes blood, sweat, and salty tears to remain strong in your belief best defines your faith more than a list of check marks for every rule and commandment you successfully followed.  And, wavering faith is said to be a bad thing but I’d prefer wavering faith as opposed to no faith at all…if it’s wavering then it at least exists with the potential to become rooted.  You can’t strengthen something that’s not there.  Again, in my opinion only.

September 20, 2009 Posted by | Christian, God | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Forced Christian

forcedThere was a time when I was “zealous” in my Christian walk.  I use the word “zealous” because that is how a member of the Prayer Ministry described it.  I was always present, always eager, always ready to learn, willing to do what I could, and paying my tithes when ever possible.  Well, that changed some time ago and I don’t think I have lost my zeal as much as it has been re-examined.  I grew up in the church and came to believe that being in the church kept me safe from sinful ways.  If I remained within the four walls of the church for every event, program, class, etc then I was being a model Christian and God was pleased with me.  That was until I found out that faith pleases God.  That God searches the heart.  That the Pharisees were no more godly than the other people they looked down on.  See, church classes have taught me much along with discussions with church folks but I just can’t do the church thing.  As secretary of the Prayer Ministry, I am required to attend church service every Sunday, attend at least Bible Study on Wednesday or Sunday School Sunday morning, participate in one of the daily prayer-lines during the week, and pay my tithes and offerings.  The only thing I do voluntarily is Sunday School & tithes.  Now we have this thing about worshipping God.  Apparently, looking out into the congregation and seeing Prayer Warriors not actively participating during the Worship time does not look good on us as Prayer Warriors.  I see certain people looking at me if I don’t raise my hands, shout “Thank you Jesus” a few times, close my eyes, have tears running down my face, and/or anything other than sit there calmly as I do often.  I can fake it.  I can fake anything without a problem but then I am pleasing people so, when it comes up again, my name is not mentioned in “don’t you have something to thank God for?” analysis.  I sure the heck do but must I put on a show for you and them to prove my gratefulness lest I am seen as worthy of being a Prayer Warrior?  It’s all about show sometimes and I want no part of it.  I worship when I want to.  If it requires me to do A, B, C, and D then maybe I should step down.

I write, say, do, and think things that are contradictory to being a Christian.  I admit that here.  I will admit that to them.  I will shout it from the rooftops.  I wish people will let it out that they struggle sometimes too.  That deacon standing at the front of the church is phuckin his girl’s back on every night but if I don’t close my eyes & shout “thank you God” I am unworthy.  Her over there has slept with half the church but I’m told to be like her and how she carries herself.  Not trying to point out someone’s flaw…just making a point.  It takes too much effort to fake what I don’t care about.  I don’t care about the requirements to hold this position.  I really wanna ride the pew every Sunday and maybe show up to programs outside of church service.  Being confined to those four walls do not mean I am how God desires me to be.  That is what I am trying to focus on.  Tonight is Prayer Hour and I don’t want to go but I have to since I’m a Prayer Warrior and that is what Prayer Warriors do…..we pray.  We have to be seen praying at the church, be visual, let people know who we are, wear our pins, be there when folks need prayer, etc.  I don’t give two sh*ts who the Prayer Warriors are.  I don’t give two sh*ts who I am.  All I know is that being a Prayer Warrior, I have prayed more for my own sorry behind than anyone else.  And, if I pray for someone else, I gotta first spend a good hour repenting of my sins so God will hear me intercede for someone else.  I gotta repent for sexin ole dude last night, getting tipsy at the club this past weekend, having sinful thoughts like 30 mins ago, and cussing out my own mama cause Lord knows she’s a real bytch sometimes. 

God knows all my filth and He makes me feel bad for it.  Sometimes I do good.  I have a nice track record going.  We talk often.  I ask Him for help with A,B,C, & D and He comes through.  He sits patiently while I empty my latest bag of sins so I can talk to Him about Sister Jenkins.  I can’t hide anything from Him but I hide things from my church folks.  I would say church “family” but Lord knows “family” is difficult for my lips to form and my vocal cords to even sound out.  I don’t hate praying….I do it all the time when I’m by myself.  Must I prove that in front of people.  I hate praying with certain people on the prayer lines because I have nothing to say when we call in, I start to fumble my words, I seem like a novice, and I spend about 5 mins praying instead of 30 mins like others.  I prefer to pray to myself and when I am comfortable.  Sometimes I feel like a forced Christian.  Sometimes when I miss church my reason really is “I didn’t feel like going”.  When I miss the church, pastor, building fund, carpet cleaning, or new glass doors anniversary it’s because “I didn’t feel like going”.  Not that I don’t care but dang it….do we need 3 days to celebrate the church anniversary?!  Heaven forbid you have a life because that too should be devoted to God.  Not the building….to God.  I have bit off 3 fingernails about this and tonight.  My minister will ask if I was there and the answer will be “no” and I will say I went to see The Wiz instead of going to Prayer Hour.  The important thing is that I prayed to God on my own as the spirit moves me to….not as it is scheduled by man.  Call me defiant…I just don’t fit the church mold.

August 12, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , | Leave a comment

Mz. Radical

Pride_by_RaahjaMaybe it’s just me but I notice a lot of bitterness and hypocrisy as it relates to sex, intimacy, or sexual related topics.  I am not going to write about those three things in this blog but I want to vent about some stupid stuff I have either been told or read.  And, I am doing it now since I fell asleep early last night so now I’m up at the butt crack for no reason other than I maxed out my sleep hours for the night.  I do have a second blog where I like to write about intimate topics ranging from oral sex to piercings to fetishes.  Someone asked me why I began that second blog and I told them my reason was because I was getting so much traffic here for my few blogs about panties and vibrators that it began to irritate me.  People didn’t want to read my more serious thoughts.  They preferred my thoughts about racy topics which wasn’t a bad thing but not here.  Some people have found my 2nd blog and others I have given them the link.  Those I have given the link to I have done so because they do not and have not judged the things or topics I write about.  If you don’t have the link then ask me for it.  If I give it to you then you pass the 32B test.  If I say, “I’d rather not” then I think you are a modern day Pharisee.

It’s difficult if not impossible to be a one-dimensional Christian and if there is one thing I absolutely hate it’s hypocrisy.  I have mentioned the possibility of starting a second blog about certain things and brought that idea to certain friends as a way of gauging how they would feel about it.  Inappropriate.  That is the word used to the describe that notion but then I admitted it was too late because I had already started it.  The funny thing is that these same people have no problem having sex but talking/writing about it is forbidden somehow.  Then some say, “I don’t have sex all the time” and I think to myself “oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know the severity of a sin was dependent on the frequency of the sin”.  I read a blog post a few days ago where someone made a comment about how people will freely discuss their sex lives but not their financial woes.  Maybe it was just me but I caught a little bitterness and bitchness in that statement.  Hmm…why do I discuss aspects of my sex life as opposed to my finances?  This is my explanation which means it is not up for debate since it is my opinion alone…finances are a learned skill and only exist when there is money to manage.  Sex is something ingrained in us as humans to participate in as our natural way of maintaining our race of humans.  If I suck at my finances, don’t have money, or have no interest in finances at all then it will never be a topic of discussion.  I don’t know anyone who will say they don’t like sex no matter how they may suck at it….there is still an interest there whether they are having sex or not.  I will never talk about my personal money if I don’t have it and talking about money does not bring me money so what is the point??  Just like talking about sex doesn’t bring me sex….wait, yeah it does.  Scratch that.  I guess one is natural and the other is acquired.  We all have sex at some point in time.  We don’t always have money at some point in time.  Some have made excellent financial decisions while others have thrown their money down the first drain they walked by.  Some love discussing money but it’s usually as a general topic and not their own personal story unless it’s a rags to riches scenario which a lot of people will either never experience or doesn’t even apply to them.  Some love discussing sex because you can always find someone who has, will, or is participating in something related to you in some degree.  This attack on sex is kinda tired and just because someone has sucked at managing their money so now they turn their nose up at everyone who could care less about their finances should really get over it.

One of my girlfriends work in  the same building as I do.  We have gone out as a big group before and, since she’s Mexican, we have done the Mexican club and planned on taking salsa classes for fun.  Well, I ran into her yesterday on my way from the bathroom and mentioned the fact that we need to hang out again esp since my boys were away for the summer.  She made this face and then stopped herself as if she wanted to say something but didn’t know how.  Me being me I dragged it out of her….she wanted to invite me to a gay/drag queen club her and her girls go to a lot.  She asked if I wanted to go and I said “heck yea!”  Ok, light should not mix with dark…..I have heard that before and I can feel the judgement starting.  During college, I attended the annual Drag Queen show and parties.  Straight chicks love gay men because they ain’t tryna get in your pants.  You can have fun without being attacked by the sex crazed male species.  Maybe it’s because I just don’t care, because I’ll tell the Pope and Pastor to kiss my butt, because I have seen the “holy” give us a bad name, and because I just don’t think we as Christians should stay within our boring ass confines.  Sorry for the potty mouth words….I should delete them….but I won’t.  Anywho, I have gone to gay/drag queen events and had a lot of fun.  No orgys, no playing kissy face with other chicks or gay guys, nothing I have ever seen that I don’t see in a straight club.  My friend is supposed to text me the name of the club this week but she definitely said this Saturday so, if I go, I will definitely blog about it….not on this one but my other blog site…sorry! 

Jesus was at times criticized because he hung out with regular folks who sinned knowingly and publicly.  I know in my heart and spirit things I should not do but, if I do them anyways, then that is on me.  I also know that there are some situations you should never put yourself in and it all involves knowing your weaknesses so you don’t fall to sin.  Of all the times I have sinned, majority of the time I gave in to something than something grabbed hold of and controlled me.  Other than my thoughts, my actions aren’t too difficult to control and keep on the straight and narrow.  My #1 weakness is being in the same room with a man I’m attracted to knowing it’s been months since I have had sex and knowing my mind will convince me that it’s ok knowing I know better.  That is my #1 weak situation I shouldn’t place myself in.  A gay bar?  It’s almost funny to think of that as a weakness.  What is there to fear?  My Prayer Minister might say dark or evil spirits.  Someone else might say drugs or sinful sex although, if someone was having sex on the table right next to my drink, it still does not involve me.  Others might say drinking period but I have a drink or two maybe twice a month so it’s no different than wine back in the day.  Maybe I push the envelope a little too much.  Maybe I just don’t like authority or rules.  Maybe I do as Jesus did and think if he did it then it was ok.  Maybe I want to see and meet someone like me.  A Christian who ain’t sailing through life with no racy things or thoughts, with no urges and impulses, with no weaknesses or shortcomings.  Maybe that is why the blogger was kinda irritated that people talk about sex so readily but shy away from finances because that need to relate to someone else who was struggling to make ends meet was all she need or desired.  As it relates to normal ass Christians in this light/dark world all I can say is…..likewise.

June 16, 2009 Posted by | Life, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Cold Hearted

coldheartI have the luxury of working from home Tuesday and Thursday of every week.  Depending on how much work I actually have to do, I watch a little TV every now and then starting from Oprah to The View then to Tyra and Ellen.  There is some time between Tyra and Ellen so I either watch MSNBC to catch up on the latest news or let my three year old watch his kiddy shows about counting, letters, reading, and finding something in the magical world of something.  Well, I was watching Tyra one day about Gay Is The New Black…or something along the lines of that.  Apparently, some writer or editor had dubbed the current Gay/Lesbian debate as the New Black since it is reminiscent (or should be) of Blacks trying to gain civil rights in America.  The person who coined this phrase said that Blacks were denied equal protection under the law and the same rights as other citizens simply because of their skin color.  So, this is supposed to be a parallel to how Gays and Lesbians are fighting for there freedom and rights now. 

What do I think?  I am glad you asked!  I don’t think anything.  I have my own faith and beliefs and I keep them to myself.  My problem is that I don’t force my religion or personal views on others unless they ask me and, even then, I do not air it if I know it will put someone else down.  For example, if someone was to say “32B, how do you feel about her marrying this chick?” after this person has already condemned, judged, and is about 2 seconds from lynching this person….I will say “she is free to do what she pleases” instead of adding fuel to an already blue flame.  My comment neither helps nor extinguishes because it didn’t have the power to overturn what the popular vote already was but I didn’t get on the bandwagon either.  But, something Tyra said touched my soul because I was sitting here thinking the exact same thing when she spoke up.  Tyra said (and I paraphrase), “the thing I see missing today is not different people with their own different opinions and viewpoints.  What I see missing is the capacity for human sympathy and compassion.”  On her stage she had a panel who were against same sex rights and a panel who were in support of it.  On both sides there was a Christian.  One (a lawyer)felt that the rights of all people must be protected and sustained under the law of this country.  The other felt that they do not compare to the Black civil rights movement because Blacks can’t choose to not be black but gays/lesbians can choose their sexual orientation.  Imagine the uproar from the audience!

Of course, the lawyer appeared to have taken her own personal views out of the arena and did what she must do….protect the rights of citizens under the constitution as best she could stretch it to cover them.  The other was using ignorance to make a statement that has more holes than the granny panties at the bottom of my drawer!  We can’t choose to be Black?  Since when?  Not all of us can choose but some, a curse turned blessing if you will, were given that choice.  They were the high yellow negros.  The ones whose family tree branches were so close to the massa’s branch that they resembled his kin folks more than their African kin folks.  Knowing the hardships that awaited them if they lived as they were with their darker family, the lynchings, the beatings, the poor conditions, the meager future, and not knowing how much worse it will get before it got better…..they choose to pass.  For white.  Do you think for one second back then that every Black person light enough would not have passed just to survive?  Choose a different life for themselves?  Not all could choose but some could and they did….that was an argument I would have made if I was on Tyra’s show sitting across from that lady.  If given the chance….we could choose.

What same sex person knowing what awaits them would decide to live out their sexual desires in the open when they could hide it if they could?  My own sexual urges are a beast and I’m a heterosexual female with every right to get some if I want some without any laws preventing me from it.  I can’t think to ask someone else to do what I myself struggle with.  Struggle to control.  Not because I want them to believe in Jesus.  Follow God.  If religion was the cure-all I swear I wouldn’t be in sex-deprivation at all.  One guy who made it known that he was gay, cried on Tyra’s show and the anti-same sex panel showed no emotion but I was ballin at home forgetting about work.  He was crying because his father had beaten him from the time he announced his sexual orientation….trying to beat him straight….beat the devil out of him.  I don’t care what you believe, in whom you believe, or how you live your life…..somewhere along the way we lost our compassion for other people.  When someone hurts you should hurt too.  When someone cries you should cry too.  When someone is abused you should get angry, sad, distraught, burdened at the fact that they had to go through that.  Feel.  Feel something! 

My God cares.  I believe He does.  Jesus didn’t walk by all those people who weren’t Jews and said “you outta luck bro man”.  He helped anyone who came to Him.  He didn’t sit there with stone faces and cold hearts holding up the biggest Bible the stores sell and tell them to stop being what they were.  We get so wrapped up in making our point….arguing for our God….debating every single facet of history….outlining where we stand and where we don’t.  What ever happened to love.  It all goes back to love.  I am not gay but that does not mean I shouldn’t cry when I saw that young man crying.  He was hurting and if he wanted to stop being gay I think he would.  Who would willfully inflict that pain on themselves?  Who?  I know only one person but I am done sounding all preachy.  I just learned what the hell the Book Exodus was talking about….had no clue.  Someone was leaving and that was all I ever knew.  I didn’t know who the hell Solomon was.  Really?!  Wow….Sunday school comes in handy for real.  The only thing I know is how it feels to be discriminated against, judged unfairly, hated without reason, labeled, and legally ostracized.  That is enough to make their fight hit home for me.  Unthaw those hearts so they begin to feel again and then maybe….just maybe…others will see the God you claim to serve.

May 12, 2009 Posted by | Love, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Malcolm X

malcolm_xFebruary was Black History Month so, naturally, BET had an array of movies geared toward us and our people.  One such movie I watched was Malcolm X which I have not seen in years.  I have always loved this movie because it was crafted so well and I think Malcolm X deserved a great movie to commemorate this life and legacy.  The first time I saw the movie was when it first came out…I think I was in 5th or 6th grade maybe.  I saw it again while in high school and college.  It has been since college and now, as I watch the movie, I notice some things that bother me….hopefully I am able to remember each part that bothered me so.  Malcolm’s interaction withThe Honorable Elijah Muhammad was strange because he used words to describe this love for Elijah that we commonly use to refer to God.  He said he fears him like he has never feared a man and it’s not as if Elijah scares him but that he admires and worships him.  He even said he would have definitely gone to the electric chair in Elijah’s place.  I guess there isn’t much I can say about this that I can contribute to The Nation of Islam because we, Christians, do the same with our pastors and priests.  We place man on a pedestal as though he became what he is by his own power. 

Malcolm hated Caucasians initially.  I say initially because the part I was watching was prior to his pilgrimage.  But, Malcolm X spoke words of hate towards those whom had oppressed him.  Watching this made me cringe because his words were so harsh.  No more harsh than the way our people were treated at that time but still unlike what I am taught in my own faith.  He used this thinking that he adopted from his days in prison to justify his thoughts and words.  Makes me wonder what The Nation of Islam would have been for if no civil rights were violated.  Everything was based on African Americans and nothing about their own faith which leads me to my other point.  In the movie there was a scene where Elijah tells Malcolm that the Qur’an and their faith is the only faith that tells African American people how to live, survive, and believe.  He said no other religion takes our people into consideration.  I have not read the Qur’an in it’s entirety but, in the sections I have covered, there was no part mentioning African Americans, people of African descent, colored folk, brown skinned people or any other description that may be aimed at us and only us.  I guess there is a Caucasian section….a Mexican section…and other sections depending on your ethnic background that I overlooked.

It bothers me that this was a learned mindset when he was in prison which is guided by a man (Elijah) and based on a man (Prophet Muhammad from Qur’an) with no special reference to God himself.  What was or is the relevance, premise, reason for The Nation of Islam?  That part I still do not understand.  If it was our civil liberties during turbulent times then it would have died out along with The Black Panther Party after it had served its purpose.  I do understand the veil over Malcolm’s eyes so he, in my opinion, was completely clueless to what he was doing, saying, and thinking before the pilgrimage.  My best turn in the movie was when his beloved “God” was revealed to be nothing but a man falling to sexual sins.  It hurts when the tide turns but so does growth. 

It is not about religion or faiths….it is about finding out the truth and coming into your own understanding and standing on your own two feet.  Malcolm will likely be known for his teachings prior to the pilgrimage….not thereafter.  From the first time I saw the movie until now, I will always look up to and respect Malcolm X for his courage to find out about the sexual allegations.  From each woman he interviewed who spoke of what had happened,  he listened to them, and encouraged them when they said, “I believed in him.  I believed in Elijah Muhammad” by replying “Believe in Allah.  He will take care of you.”  Noah was a drunk but God entrusted him with his creation….Solomon had 700 wives and became a great man of God….a man’s good deeds far outweigh his bad…this is what one character told Malcolm X in an effort to make small the carnal sins of Elijah.  Difference in the latter example compared to the others is that GOD reached out to them.  Who the hell reached out to Elijah?  God knew all that Noah and Solomon had, was, and were doing….would he have picked Elijah to do great things in His name?   He clearly did not.

I can conceive death but I cannot concieve betrayal. 

 Malcolm said those words.  The Nation of Islam said his tongue should be cut out and delivered to Elijah, that he is the biggest hypocrite even calling him a Judiast (I am sure I spelled that wrong).  As far as I know, Malcolm X remained a member of the Muslim faith and died that way.  Betty, his wife, is shown in the movie as constantly calling him blind because he fails to see the corruption and unethical ruin of The Nation.  I just wish he had a chance to save his soul.  Again, what is really the purpose of The Nation of Islam?  They claim day in and day out they were not responsible for his death.  Yes, and Hitler is innocent.  Add Bin Laden to the list too.  Thou shalt not kill…I guess that is a Christian law only.  How horrible it must be to be misunderstood!  At least he left this earth experiencing love blind to our individual race, color, and differences….God’s love.

March 2, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Nailed To My Own Cross

nailOne day, I was chatting on gmail with a friend.  He was talking about his father who had totally dissed him an important day….his graduation with his first Masters degree.  This was a proud moment for him because he had finally finished through all the emotional difficulties and hurdles along the way.  He had his first Masters degree and his dad, who worked a couple blocks from the location of the ceremony and had called off work early, couldn’t even stay long enough to his his son receive his degree.  My friend was pissed.  He was hurt.  I remember he said that his father had pissed on him and called it apple juice…that was the first time I had heard that phrase.  I tried to tell him he didn’t hate him or despise him…he wasn’t listening to me.  I tried to tell him that it’s his father so just overlook it….he didn’t wanna do that.  I tried to tell him that time will blow it all over….he said not this time.  He was hurt and I felt bad that he has to experience that on such a day as this one when he should have been overjoyed and happy…not overjoyed and happy in spite of something someone close to you or someone who loves you has done.  What did he do to deserve this?  Why, time after time, he does not get the love he so desires?  Is it too much to ask for a normal, or even semi-normal, parent & child relationship?  Now, the tables are turned and I see, feel, and understand his pain.  If someone told me right now what I had told him then….I’d laugh it off in anger too. 

My mom  hates me….I am convinced she always has.  I don’t care to know when it started…it exists and that is all that matters.  My sisters hate me…..I am convinced they always will.  They have no problem spitting venom at me because they think I am a big bad b*tch….or, that is how I act to them but everyone that knows me know that I am a softy.  I seriously wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose….I’d kill me before I kill you in any way.  That is probably my problem but there is no easy way out of this….all or nothing….do or die….in or out….I’m nailed to this sh*t.  I try to get out of it because I always thought the nail itself driven through my hand would hurt the most until I look up and see who is holding the hammer driving it through my hand.  I always thought that hanging there would hurt the most but not nearly as much as hearing those below laughing at my pain and conjuring up ways to make me suffer more.  I always thought if I loved people and treated them as I would want to be treated that they would do the same towards me until I realized that the ones I was watching out for were the ones smiling in my face. 

Not wanting to go into much detail but wanting to ease this weight, my mom and sisters have all dubbed me the worst mom on earth!  Phone calls later I am told that my kids should be taken away from me, that I favor one over the other, that I am incompetent, I am damaging my son’s self-esteem, and they have no clue why my ex even married me.  This is when the piercing through the side occurs….why he married me?  I have heard the parenting arguments all before so, if they should be the most harsh, they are not because I have continued to come around and show that I do all I can for my kids without the assistance of either of them or the government.  But, to place me personally in it as far as someone having the ability or tolerance to love me is ridiculous!  That caught my breathe for a split second as the sharp end broke my skin and I reacted to the initial pain.  Today, I still bleed from the wound.

All this was reported back to me by my ex.  He calmed me down and simply said, “you have known all this before so don’t let it bother you.  I know you aren’t putting our kids in danger.”  But, these are supposed to be my allies!  What the hell are allies if they aren’t your family?  This nail through my hand…I wanna act ignorant…don’t wanna see any of them….act as if they all died.  Would I be any better than my friend?  What about the the advice I tried to force feed my friend?  A heck of a horse pill to swallow and for what?   To honour my mother?   Turn the other cheek?  Show kindness which will be like pouring hot coals over their heads?  Pray, love, and do good towards them?  I don’t like to complain openly because it is weakness in my eyes but this hurts like hell…my eyes burn from the people who have cause my tears…my hands hurt because I wanna clinch them into a fist and fuck them up but I have a nail running through them….I want to say something in my defense but I know I have nothing to defend.

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. He who hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: “They hated me without reason”.  (John 15:18-25)

Without reason….if I had a reason then it may help but there is none….they hate because they can so they shall.

February 7, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kiss My…

A little background info on me….I have 5 siblings (4 sisters & 1 baby bro)…I am the oldest.  Growing up, I was never in the kitchen doing a dang thing but observing.  I would be taste-taster….help stir….chop some onions or bell peppers…seasoned some stuff….snap some peas….but over the actual cooking of any food item?  Not unless it was mandatory.  Since this time, I have been ridiculed for my lack of cooking skills.  I try and, don’t get me wrong, I don’t suck at cooking by any means, I am just not your June Cleaver type of woman.  If I’m tired then you cook….if you tired then I will cook…if you sit your lazy butt in front of the TV waiting for me to cook every night then you gon’ starve to death!

I went to college and graduated which is something my siblings have yet to do….they will eventually, but they aren’t on course as of yet.  I guess this blog is to vent about stupid sh*t that comes out their mouth about me as if they hatin’….walking about hiding in bushes tryna trip me up….pouring salt all in my plans….being my very own Judas.  They get a big fat A for talking-sh*t-behind-my-back too.  I don’t cook as they do so I am belittled for that….I could never ever find a man if I can’t cook….it is simply impossible to do such a thing!  Their words not mine….been married once to their NONE!  I am doing my kids a disservice by not remaining married to their father….Heaven forbid a man has to live under the same roof to be a father….they enjoy times with mommy as much as times with daddy.  Ok, probably not because mommy don’t have time for whining/crying and daddy is “cool”….I accept that as the lone female and thank God they think their daddy is the coolest dude ever to walk the face of the earth second only to Dash from The Incredibles!

If I ever decide to drop my kids off at a sitter then I am named as the worst parent ever!  If I ask them to keep my kids then I am named the worst parent ever.  If I don’t dress them in big brand name labeled clothes from head to toe then I am named a bad parent.  Yesterday, my sis kept them all wkend since it was her daughter’s bday party….this sis happens to be the vinegar to my oil….I tolerate her….nothing more and nothing less.  We have gone yrs without speaking because she thinks I am spoiled and have always been the fav…nothing I do is ok and every mistake I make in life is televised in the family newsletter. 

I was too late picking the kids up.  My kids need more clothes (to run around and sit in your house all day eating pizza?! Why bring their good clothes for that when it’s just family around?!).  My kids cry too much.  My kids talk too much.  My kids breathe too much.  I make too much money (insert laughter here) and don’t take them shopping enough (insert laughter again).  I make too money to not give them their own television in their bedroom.  I make too money to not sit them in the front of a tv all day.  I am always out (yeah, if you count once a month as ‘always out’).  And, I act like a white girl….time for a new paragraph….

I have my tendencies to act “street” because I was raised that way…it is ingrained in me but I can turn it on and off.  What I think she despises is the fact that I didn’t work hard around the house to please mommy & daddy and am self-sufficient without a man.  My only man is God whom she doesn’t know personally.  It took me longer to finish my degree with my kids so I was the butt of all jokes….until I finally did finish then the jokes ceased….now I laugh last  b*tches!  My work ethic is totally different from her’s….she has her hand literally out ALL the time as if the government should help her take care of her kids and complain that I pay too much for daycare.  I don’t get “hand-outs” so I have to pay what I can afford from my own hard earned money it is mandatory…not optional!

She knows every free program there is….thinks I should apply for food stamps by lying, lie on my application to get free daycare, lie to get a housing voucher….I did that once in college (not lie to get those things but because we were seriously broke college students trying to finish our degrees) but now I find it admirable to make my own living, pay my own bills, and teach my kids that just because you want it doesn’t mean you can have it…..life is not fair and surely does not exist on a silver platter for us all.  I get tired of defending myself.  Explaining myself.  All my life I have been defending me to them….trying to explain why I am different than them….not trying to be them but wanting them to accept me.  I saw my mom struggle on welfare with food stamps and no college education….I don’t want that for myself or my own kids.  I am not ballin’ and living large as the old saying used to be and I am severely frugal so I will admit that.  I have my little azz tv sitting on a storage container knowing I need and should buy a bigger tv and an actual tv stand but it satisfies my need for now….why spend money for that?!  Ok I need to…cheap as hell I know!

I just want them to kiss my azz….all 0.5 lbs of it in a size x-small pair of panties….kiss my azz!  I don’t say anything to them…don’t disrespect them…don’t agree with their work ethic but I keep it to myself….don’t talk about their kids….don’t get down on them….I just don’t because I know how it feels when they do it to me.  I swear family can beat you down better than your worse enemy.  Forbear one another in love….when did I sign up for this Christian stuff?  AND, excuse my asterisk’d words!

February 3, 2009 Posted by | Me | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment