32B's Blog

…where I write my words

My Questions may Save Me

I haven’t written about God in such a long time although I have read about Him often via other blogs & discussions.  I gave it all up.  The more holes I found in arguments, the concrete factual evidence that supported every claim against Christianity, the more that one line kept resonating in my head….you are too logical and rational to believe in such a tale.  I am.  I used to think I was a pretty strange little girl who experienced things no one else did or no one else would ever understand so I kept them to myself until I began to write not worrying in the slightest bit that someone might wander upon one of my pieces or posts and send the authorities to gauge my mental capacity to care for myself let alone my kids.  My rationale and my logic makes me ask questions that others either do not or that others do not see.  What I always thought was a curse of mine (since it pissed my mom off often & now my son does it to me) I find has been a way for me to question myself.

It was never about questioning or interrogating others about the truth of the Gospels, the factual evidence that exists outside the Bible of people in the Bible and/or main events that the Bible claims to have taken place (Noah and the flood).  I did not seek to discredit Christianity because, to do so, would leave me without anything to anchor my soul to if it needed anything at all.  I am beginning to understand that maybe my questions and answers I have gotten are there to challenge my own thinking and not someone else’s.  A blogger posed a legitimate question here asking about the apostles,

For them to have such uniformity of action, commitment to an executed man, and put themselves to the kind of risk they did, all to establish the early Christian church, makes no sense otherwise. It defies human nature, self-interest, and self-presevation for all 13 of those people, one of whom had a position of authority before converting to Jesus’ path, to do that. And to stick with it even through persecution and unto their very deaths as martyrs.”  

The irony in my thinking is that it’s not so much about Jesus because His disciples seem to attest to His presence.  Why would these men do such a thing?  Despite the facts that surface today, despite the arguments, the less authentic view or opinion of the Bible, or even misconceptions and ways in which Christianity has festered into modern society (these are my own views).  Why does the one thing that even I can’t answer or explain the one thing that tugs me awake at night begging for an explanation…but I have none.  I have nothing.  Absolutely nothing and here is why: I too am an apostle who, just as we sometimes refuse to believe they would make such claims about a man who died and rose 3 days later even giving their lives for the cause….I would do the same.  Not that anyone would question my connection with Jesus or even think I walked with Him at all in my life but because I have seen, heard, and felt things my logic is incapable of understanding to explain.  I never find a suitable explanation because there is not one that will explain away what I know with certainty has happened or occurred so I’d be, once again, lying to myself to make myself find an acceptable reason for all these things but months will go by and I will never speak of God, write a post about Him, or even pray to Him but “it” comes back….”it” always does.  Those things my mind which has explained away everything simply can’t explain away this while I laugh at people who recite scriptures, point out what Paul said, where it’s found in the OT & NT, and how the Bible has been taught to ages to explain. 

These people are of little minds imo and these people have refused to touch or try to understand what I have so I know that at a moment’s notice they’d call a psychiatric ward on their dear friend who went mad one day talking about things of a Spiritual nature but Spirits are the one of the things that no one (or at least I haven’t found one) can denounce.  Spirits are the one thing that even most Christians fail to acknowledge or even agree on.  I have been saying and asking my fellow Christian friends to look outside the Bible and it’s page but they cannot because every debate or argument leads to this same book.  Maybe my questions are ways in which only I can understand and make sense of this because I know how my mind works and fictional tales that sound really pretty with the only thing attesting to their truth are themselves have never been my cup of tea.  Seriously, would an ocean not claim to be wet?  Or, would it claim to only wet those who touch it?  No one has the balls to jump in and find out so they pull out these big pretty books written about the sea claiming to be the only law of the sea which will give them a definition of the sea and I must never question it.  Left in the hands of fellow Christians who regurgitate their Bibles & what good ole pastor said all these years, my soul would have died.  So, I ask myself, if placed on a stand to account for all I cannot explain that has happened to me, all that I have physically felt since my childhood, all that I have seen since my childhood, and all the times I was fully cognitive and conscious….would I still say those experiences are enough to lay down my life for a God I have never seen, a Christ I think I have spoken to, and a Bible that creates a mess more than it cleans it up?  Yes, I would…it is the most logical and rational thing to do. (Please do not reply to this post with scripture, if that is your arsenal then you can’t even dry the Sahara.)


March 23, 2010 Posted by | Christian, God, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments


Today I am a big ball of confusion.  I have been in these bouts for the past few months off and on about every part of my life.  My kids are at that point where I need a vacation from them.  I might have to explain for the non-parents or for the parents who have the perfect child(ren).  Well, my boys tend to work my nerves sometimes and I usually need a break from them (and vice versa) at some point before I lose it.  What is “it”?  My sanity, my temper, my understanding that kids have a limitless amount of energy & boys fight often, or my grip with reality that no parent is perfect and there will be days when I need to ask someone close to me to watch them for a weekend just so I can catch my breathe.  One talks back and I’ve smacked him right in the mouth on several occasions while I calmly look him in the eye as he cries and say, “now, next time you will do what I asked you and save your lil comments for someone who cares because if I wanted your opinion on how I should raise you I would have asked for it.  It’s ok to have a viewpoint, to be an individual, or to even voice your concerns but I am the one who makes all final decisions and not a nan one of those will be subjected to your poor excuse for negotiating your way into my parenting.  Got it?”  Might be a little too much for an 8yo to grasp but he is beginning to understand that talking back is never a good thing and he is still a child until further notice.  My 4yo seems to have an accident (pee) at the most inopportune times.  If this child doesn’t go to the bathroom at the moment his body alerts him then it’s too late.   You know how many times a week I do laundry?  In addition to that, they are both outgrowing everything!  What is the point of winter shopping if the clothes barely last throughout this one season?!  I need a break from my kids.

Usually, at the end of the month I put together an Executive Summary for each outsourcing client.  My sup processes the files and makes note of anything that should be added to the report and I put the report together.  Well, part of that report involves a Featured Analysis which, for this month, involves highlighting the area where the most charges are incurred by bank service grouping.  I had a small meeting with my sup who told me if a certain situation arises to just do “A”.  That situation arose and I did “A” as instructed but not before one client’s bank re-sent a file which had to be re-processed and my report had to be done all over again.  Then, I emailed all 5 (only half of them) to her for approval and she emails me back with corrections or suggestions.  No big deals, I don’t mind constructive criticism but when you criticize what we clearly discussed involving “A” then I have a problem.  Now, I have learned to only send her the final reports when she does not have too much time to critique every single thing including how I typed my name at the bottom of the report.  Every bit of anal.

I don’t know if I mentioned the company I work for getting sold.  It hasn’t yet but since the founders & owners are approaching retirement age, it just might happen this year or next.  So, I have been thinking about my future and where I want to be as well as what I want to be doing career-wise.  Basically, nothing involves Chicago anymore.  I wondered from day 1 why I was brought here I think I am beginning to see that.  Now, it’s time for me to leave.  The same itch I felt when I left Chicago for Lafayette and Lafayette for Indianapolis and the same itch I felt when I left Indianapolis for Chicago is what I am starting to feel now.  I might very well be here another 2 yrs maybe but the itch is there and I no longer feel the need to stay here which brings me to Mr.D.  I have this thing where I must sign up for something, let it settle, even go through the motions and see if it’s for me, and then be able to tell myself “yes” or “no” with complete certainty before I can move on.  When I thought about getting back with my ex-husband I told him so, he was extremely excited, he said it was music to his ears, and I began to see myself walk back down that road to him with his arms open wide ready to hold me in complete happiness.  But, I started to walk backwards, I began to fret, I realized that all my eyes were seeing was a man with horns on either side of his head and fire burning in the background where he stood.  I knew I didn’t want to go back to him or give our marriage another chance but, when my minister asked me if I was sure or if I’d even tried, I didn’t know until I “tested” it out.  Yes, I played with his emotions but now I have clarity….at the expense of his heart I guess.  A test is still a test and I am still looking for rats to run around this maze called Life.

That brings me to Mr.D … not sure about him anymore.  He put a title on it (which is what I wanted), he cares a lot for me, I care about him, but  maybe I just wanted to see if I wanted him as much as my emotions did.  My mind must be convinced or else my heart won’t be allowed to stay but, oddly enough, when my mind speaks my heart forgets about those feelings that used to exist if they ever did at all.  Mr.D’s future?  I have no clue.  The man has been dreaming of opening his own shop since I met him (black folks and their cookie cutter dreams).  It’s 3 yrs later almost and he is no where near that goal esp since he is constantly losing clientele cause he works at his other job too much.  He is an entrepeneur at heart but he slaves away at a job where he is underappreciated, over-worked, and not happy.  I asked about his business plan…he doesn’t have one.  He asked me to research grants for him.  Fine, what are your estimated start-up costs?  He has no idea.  A ballpark figure?  He gave a range of $75,000 (ridiculous).  Do you have a location?  City?  Suburb?  No clue.  Do you even have a name yet?  Nope.  Great.  I thought my dreams still in a stage of infancy were bad….his aren’t even fertilized yet.  I don’t know why I thought adding a title would make it officially special but, nope, still the same person which the same 2 issues that have always irritated me but he is my friend so it makes it worthwhile.  However (there is always a however), we need to get this worked out.

The story of Noah, the ark, & the flood is fabricated.  Factual evidence does not exist to support this tale.  Facts is where my mind thrives.  I’m not confused about my faith or in whom I believe.  I guess my focus is narrow now and more concentrated because, as the Bible is discounted left and right, I feel it’s still not a good enough argument against Christianity.  It’s cute to debate fellow Christians but it’s childs play.  It’s cute to hear sermons complete with yelling, sweat, and scriptures but the power comes from what is real and what is not.  What good is quoting Paul if Paul never existed (just an example)?  Christianity has been under attack for ages so it’s no surprise.  The surprise is why no one speaks of it from within the church.  What other biblical stories are rooted more in fiction than anything?  I need to die with a clear notion of where my faith falls and where it stands strong.  Science has no place in religion.  Religion has no place in government.  Government has no place in politics.  Politics has no place in humanity.  Yet humanity has a place in science, religion, government, and politics.  What the hell is true and what the hell is not?  I’m not asking myself or anyone reading this.  Before I die I need to know what is real and what is false because the facts are just that….facts!  You can’t deny facts and faith isn’t enough to stretch the truth to fit any dogma.  A fellow blogger talks about God needing a Press Secretary.  There comes a time when not knowing is perfectly fine but to not want to know is an abomination so I ask my God whom I grew up believing in to tell me what is the truth.  Not as a dare, or a threat, or an ultimatum…if for God I live and for God I die then I pray He doesn’t leave me to die with questions in my head and accuse me of never believing.

March 1, 2010 Posted by | Christian, Life | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Step Away From Your Bible

The best part of church growing up were the sermons.  I love a good story which is why I loved hearing about the different people in the Bible.  That should have foreshadowed my future because I could have cared less about the choir, prayer, or anything else.  I wanted to hear the stories like I was sitting on granny’s lap listening to a fairy tale where I can lose myself in this other world.  But this is not supposed to be a fairy tale but the truth.  It grew from loving the stories to wondering how true and real they were.  My questions began when I began to question most things in life.  Not when I’d lost a loved one.  Not when I was down and out.  It just seemed to happen when I wondered who had taught the person teaching me, who had taught them, and so forth and so on.  I wanted to know what qualified them to teach and not I although I have no desire to teach I do want to make sure the information I teach my kids about our faith is indeed correct and not how most black folks teach their kids….from what/how they were taught.

I have completed Genesis and just wanted to read some of these famous and not-so famous stories for myself but I can’t help feeling like I’m creating more work for myself.  Reading I get to a point where something catches my attention, followed by something else, leading me to A, which peaks my curiosity in B, and later I’m nowhere near where I started!  Where is my curiosity wanting to take me now?  Jesus outside the Bible.  I read the book The Case for Christ and what I never thought about was if Christians (myself included) really believe in the Biblical stories and accounts then where do they exist outside the Bible?  Let’s start with Jesus.  If he is indeed who we claim him to be then where else is it documented outside of the Bible?  I do not want to base 100% of my faith on the Bible nor will “just have faith” do.  Some historical non-Biblical documents refer to Jesus as a sorceror…what was he doing that made them think that?  Some who documented his sorcery never said he didn’t do things that defied scientific laws…they just said he was not doing it by divine intervention. 

The picture in this blog does not mean to burn the Bible….just step away from it for now or let’s pretend that a world of Bibles no longer exists.  Let’s look outside the Bible because, in the world of science, it must hold true within it’s own realm and outside it.  If the laws of gravity are true then they must hold up everywhere unless you add an asterisk which outlines certain conditions apply.  Does my faith have an asterisk?  There must be evidence elsewhere to prove the validity of the Bible.  If the Bible’s authenticity is questioned then provide a historical document that has been accepted as fact that shows references to Jesus and other folks of the Bible.  Christians like to say “we don’t have to provide anything else. They should take what we offer them.”  Who does that benefit?!  In the secular world, a reluctance to provide further evidence simply means a) you have nothing else to provide b) you are afraid of what this nothing else would mean and/or c) you know what the other documents say and they are not in your favor.  However, if I ask for more data to support your claim it only means a) I’m just not completely sold which is a good thing because it shows I won’t believe just anything, b) I am still curious in what you have to say, and c) your religion should be able to stand outside your world to prove to others and yourself that your faith is rooted in the right soil.  I am still reading the Bible, looking for more book/documents that support the claims of the Bible second, and asking myself the hard questions preparing for my oldest son third.  He is his mother’s child!  Question after question and not any silly answer will do that I normally give to people to blow them off.  I have to be ready to answer each question he may have or else I have failed the greatest evangelism test of all….my own child.  If he does not know what to believe he is vulnerable to believe anything but I am comforted by the fact that he does question everything so he will question me as well but I challenge him to do better than I in my search for more answers when what is given me from the church is just not enough….anymore.

January 25, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , | 2 Comments

Old Testament Game

Have you ever had a moment when you look around and realize that things you once cared about no longer matter?  Not that they are not important or insignificant but that your priorities have shifted and you can’t tell yourself when much less why because you have no clue!  I would say that the worst decision I have ever made in life was to bring life into this world.  Why?  Because the power of these two creatures to tear me down, make me worry, and scare me to death for their safety in a world where no one is safe is paradoxically insane and futile.  When I think about my kids I wonder what else is out there.  Is this it?  I know I think too much but I think I’m going somewhere with this….just not sure where.  You know how we sometimes yell at the television and tell that crazy lady not to go into the room after she says, “I wonder what that noise is”?  You scream and tell her not to go and you wonder why it always seems to be the white people who always gotta go check things out instead of erring on the side of caution and getting the hell outta dodge.  I feel like I want to walk and see what the hell that is.  Call me white!  Having kids changes your life.  Among all the obvious things it changes in your life, you begin to see the world differently.  Recently, I began to see some things differently not because I just had a baby but because I am wondering as my kids get older what I will tell them about God.  Who is He?  What is He about?  How are we to live?  How do I get them to understand what was never explained to me as a child?  How do I get them to relate to instead of being forced fed something that’s incomprehensible and unimaginable to them?  How do I explain what, at times, I don’t really understand?  It’s probably not as complicated as I’m making it seem but let’s just assume I have a child like myself who refuses to believe those “called” and instead wishes to find the truth out for themselves.

When I was little I questioned everything.  I didn’t out loud because I knew a belt was always somewhere close by but I questioned authority from the time I could remember.  If it didn’t make sense then “because I said so” wasn’t going to cut it.  I was raised to believe in what my parents and their parents believed.  I wasn’t encouraged to think for myself but I was dealt a life where every adult around me messed up and messed up big time to the point where they lost credibility and showed me certain people don’t have to be accountable for their actions.  So, in all this, where does God fit in?  Faith was too fluid a concept and much like grains of sand in my hand for my to understand it then and even now in how it’s often presented.  Faith, I was told, is the substance of things hoped for and the essence of things not seen.  Hope?  Is that an action word?  If so, from who or what are we waiting to receive action from or what or who are we sending this action to?  If I can’t see it does it exist?  In my head….nope.  I was told that God created me so the way I think must allow for some if not all of it to some in a nice package with my name on it so I can comprehend it and explain it as only I have grown to understand it.

I know what I believe and it’s only what I believe because of what I have seen and physically felt.  I asked God because my mind can’t wrap itself around certain concepts and digest it….so I ask.  If I was to write a book about spirituality it would likely be called Christianity for Intellects (not dummies) or The Devil’s Little Advocate only because I find it insatiably orgasmic (bad wrong to use but that’s all I could think of) to go into anything Christian related ready to tear it down to its core, ready to argument anything standing on 0.5 legs, and looking to fill each and every gaping hole because that’s what people with minds do.  They nick pick and scrutinize and analyse leaving no rock uncovered and laughing when the other person scrambles for an explanation and slaps a “just have faith” onto it.  The best defense is to have a good offense.  If I can tear down my own religion, uncover the holes, possibly even pointing out other equally huge holes in other religions, and make it a convincing myth to myself then I have the power and know-how to make it convincingly true to others because I have uncovered my weaknesses and built them up (factually) with evidence that “just have faith” will marvel at.

I was told that the world is dying, that people need to be saved, and that Jesus is coming back soon.  I watched the movie 2012 and wondered how the Mayans could possibly end their calendars on 12/21/10 and just say that the world will reset or start all over again.  I thought it ironic that, in the movie, the “do over” occurs in Africa.  But I wondered several things: if religion has no part in it and life is as we live it in which we die and become one with the earth then we shall eventually die out, run out of natural resources, exhaust all possible lab engineered replacements, and die off like most other species because nothing continues to exist indefinitely and nothing has proven to survive without depleting resources as it expands.  Then what is life for?  Why not check out now?  Religion justifies our existence so we don’t give up and committed suicide at the notion that this is all for nothing.  If it’s apart of a plan….whose plan is it?  I have an idea.  Maybe I will write a book.  Problem is I don’t think anyone will read it and I doubt I can collect my thoughts long enough to prove a point although I have quite a few.  If my sons asked me right now “mommy, who is Jesus?” what will I say?  The best answer is for them to experience it for themselves.  If ever there was a wish I’ve utter more times than I probably admit it’s that God would play Old Testament again.  If ever there was a time for people to see instead of being told from old stories translated beyond authenticity and tattered with age then it is now.  If there was ever a time for a staff, a Red Sea, and a Moses it is now.  If there was ever a time for a road called Damascus and a bush to burn in the presence of every scientific mind there is just to prove its nothing but a miracle….that time is now.  I don’t ask God for anything more than a visible miracle because word of mouth can only save so many.  He got disciples to give their lives for something they actually saw or heard about within their own lifetime….it’s time to play Old Testament again.  I am jealous they had Jesus back then because I am not content with just having the Bible.  It’s not enough anymore.  People are dying and they need more than a Bible full of questions….they need someone sent to save them who will show them visible proof.  I know what you’re thinking, “they didn’t believe them then so why would they now?!”  It’s better than what we currently have and that’s close to nothing and too many false prophets.  Only God can save us….and I mean that literally.  I’ll wait and see what He decides to do.

December 16, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , , , | Leave a comment