32B's Blog

…where I write my words


Last night, I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about money.  As much as I am trying to improve my personal finances, I hate to check my account balance because I hate to visually see the breakdown of how much I overspent.  It kinda burns my eyes and I become overwhelmed with this feeling of guilt.  From getting the kids to Indianapolis to this holiday weekend, my account transactions have been less than favorable.  So, last night I couldn’t sleep because I was worried I’d be broke when the kids returned barely able to pay all the expenses related to moving plus daycare plus extra daycare to run, attend my race in September, make it to sorority meetings/functions (instead of just paying my dues), and have a social life.  I do not mind chiseling away at the social life since “socializing” requires some money but I want to continue my active running schedule and get the kids active in things too which, as we all know with kid activities, requires money.  I said a quick prayer that God will release any worries and fears from my mind so I could get some sleep – I was knocked out after that.

Moving is not as much of a hassle as it seems.  Besides finding men who will move your stuff without wrecking, ripping, and/or breaking things – the cost is pretty low.  There is the deposit which is usually one month’s rent, plus the rent to move in, plus the cost of a truck, and time cleaning up the old apartment.  My landlord says I have plenty of time to move and everyone seems to agree esp those who have gone through a foreclosure saying it takes months to complete and ask tenants to vacate the premise.  I just don’t want to move during a Chicago winter.  And, I need to make sure I get my deposit back.  My kids have broken a few parts of a window blind, the walls need repainting in some spots, and my youngest locked his self in the bathroom once so part of the door frame is kinda sitting in the corner of my bathroom (lol I’m not asking for the full amount back) but I deserve something.  I am not picky when it comes to apartments except expecting it to be clean, in a good area, and rodent/roach free.  My main thing I cannot live without is a washing and dryer in the building.  Currently, I do have a regular (non-coin operated one) but I guess I will take a coin one if that’s my only option.  Plenty of rentals in my neighborhood but not sure if I should move now or later since my landlord still expects the rent although I doubt she is paying the mortgage.  What she does with the money should be of no concern of mine.  I am simply renting the space upstairs. 

Still no child support.  I knew it would take weeks to get the paperwork in the system and the HR dept up-to-date with the changes but it’s been almost 3 weeks.  Ok, maybe I’m impatient since 3 weeks isn’t that long of a time but I want my money.  That will help me buy the kids’ back-to-school crap now rather than later.  Cover more summer fun stuff rather than picking an event every so often.  And, since kids out grow everything, it calls for new clothes for the upcoming fall & winter months.  I am still saving but not as much as I had hoped during the summer.  I put aside $200 from my check last week and will be able to put aside $500 from my check next week so that’s a little extra.  I will attempt the same next month as well.  My student loans are in repayment in September.  I have an outstanding tuition bill for $500 due that I need to pay off.  And an outstanding medical bill that I can have my Medical Flex acct cover.  Once I get the tuition bill paid and work my $350 student loan pymt into my budget then I will be cool.  By then, I should have child support coming in to lessen the blow.  I upgraded my phone plan from 450 anytime minutes to 900 anytime minutes since my Support role involves more phone calls than before.  If I surpass that amount then my only other option is to go back to the unlimited plan.  My job does not cover my telephone bill since working from home is optional and something I’d rather not give up.  I save $160/month in daycare with my two wfh days so upgrading my phone bill to an extra $30/month is a small price to pay.  However, when my contract ends, Mr. D is putting me on his family plan which will give me unlimited minutes for about  $30/month.  Let’s pray we are still together by then – if not, I still want that hook-up!

This weekend I endured another rant from family about how cheap I am.  They kept saying how I make “good money” or have a “good job” – what the hell does “good” mean in this context?  So, since I make “good money” I should be able to buy that $80 BeBe dress from my sister which does not fit her.  I have never paid $80 for any dress – not even my wedding dress which I bought brand new off eBay.  I should be wearing expensive (and often ugly) shoes like Aldo for $50 from the clearance rack.  I told my sister that clearance should be about $20 or less – I have only paid $50 or more for shoes I can run/sweat/exercise in.  My mom said she tells her co-workers all the time about her cheap daughter.  They laughed but I don’t care.  I have never felt the need to buy expensive brand names or look like I have a “good job”.  It has never been me although people expect it.  Mr. D called me a yuppie.  He says I do not dress like I have a corporate job because I rarely wear business clothes.  I walk around all day everyday in jeans, sneaks, flip flops, or running shorts.  He also says I remind him of someone like Ellen or Bill Gates – people who can afford to splurge but would rather dress comfortably in regular everyday clothes.  I am a regular everyday chick – why change because of what my job consists of.  I know I am no more important than anyone else so my priorities are aligned perfectly – money only has the power you give it.


July 7, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | 2 Comments


I had a moment of venting today.  Today, I got up to log into my computer for work when I got a text message from my ex-hubby.  Yes, I know.  Nothing should amaze me anymore and it really doesn’t but sometimes his blatant incompetence makes me wanna kick myself for procreating with him.  If a gift keeps on giving then this mistake keeps on hurting.  Not because I let it but because it affects my bottom line in some way.  Kids are going to him for the summer June 19th til about August 19th.  I usually try to stretch it for 2 months time since schools start so late here and begin so early there.  It’s bad enough I have to rent a car to get them there but he texted me to say the training for his job ends early August so we will have to make arrangements for the kids in Chitown (I hate that term) during that time.  Apparently, the summer day camp for them ends at 6pm everyday and he gets off work at the same time.  Add in commute time via the bus and you can see how that could be a problem.  But there’s a simple solution in my opinion.

I thought he was kidding.  Surely you aren’t trying to send the kids back early because you don’t have anyone to get them before you get off work and you are that afraid of losing your job.  So, he must be exempt from experiencing the trials of single parenting.  Interesting.  My plan was to hear him out, say a “oh that’s messed up” every now and then, add a “sure, let me know when in August” in there as well, and change my mindset once the kids leave.  Why?  Because he will dodge summer altogether if it means jeopardizing his job instead of asking his many friends to babysit for 2 hours max everyday.  As many friends we know mutually who do not have jobs right now, any little help would be great imo.  But, nope.  When his life resumes and the kids interfere it’s time to ship them bad boys back to their mama.  I changed the subject asking about the kids’ health insurance as well as child support – that bi weekly check I have not seen in months.  Yes, that one.  He said he hasn’t gotten paid yet but it’s supposed to be semi-monthly (not sure what that means) so he should be expecting something in June.  I smelled a liar so I checked for myself.

I Google’d his employer’s HR dept and found a website with several dept numbers.  I called the number at the top which said something like HR Access.  When I dialed the number, the automated voice asked for a SS#.  I still remember his SS# from our time being married.  I dialed it in the keypad of my phone.  Next, the automated voice asked for his pin which the voice told me will be his 2 digit month, day, and year (apparently he has not set-up this account yet).  Sure.  I entered his birthday as well and the system prompted me to change the pin.  I kept it as his birthday.  Next, I was given his last pay amount and pay date (May 28th) and his annual salary as well.  There was other information like benefits and perks but I didn’t care about those.  I pressed whatever number to speak with a representative and asked for the direct number to the payroll withholding dept for child support.  She gave it to me and all was well.  I kinda felt bad about accessing his information but he lied.  Do not cheat me out of what is mine legally esp when I care for our kids using my money alone.  It’s cool.  Men can easily pick up and move on.  Women can’t because they have the burden of rasing kids from failed marriages.  I’ma get my money.  Trust me.

I told my close friends about it.  Not a single one faulted me saying I am quite resourceful and I better watch out for myself since he has a history of not giving 0.2 shyts about me and how I will make it during the school year.  I told Mr. D about it.  He calls me Ms. CIA now.  I guess he has a reason.  For Mother’s Day weekend, he was going through a rough financial time.  His car broke down which cost almost $400, his computer caught a virus, his work was slow coming in, and all bills and expenses had his money fastly leaving his pockets.  Of course I didn’t expect anything because we have no kids together.  I bought my mom her normal expensive fruit basket from Edible Arrangements.  The kids made me little cute things at school.  My ex texted me or something like that.  Mr. D bought me a card which was surprising because, like I said, he didn’t have a reason to.  I asked what he’d gotten his own mom.  An e-card.  What?  An e-card?!  They still make those?? I felt bad.  Don’t know why but I did.  In conversation the evening before Mother’s Day, I asked his mom’s name and made it seem like I was totally interested in his family and where he grew up.  Actually, I was using a website from my genealogy project to find his mom’s current address to which I sent her flowers for him.  Mr. D is the only one who knows (other than those who read this blog) it was me but I couldn’t let him not get her something. 

So, after finding his mom’s current address, the name of her husband, and her phone number online – adding this latest situation kinda solidifies my Ms. CIA nickname.  I never do anything for bad though.  Only good.  He said he almost cried when he found out because most women want to see how much they can get instead of what they can give.  Anywho, I shall close with this important note: identity theft is real!  Finding SS# of people is pretty hard but not impossible if you can hack into a system.  Most companies allow access via a SS# and a birthday which is not good (family, close friends, and/or ex-spouses can access this info).  Always ask to add a personal pin to your file for add security (I surely did).  And that’s it.  Here’s to a fun summer and low stress levels.

June 3, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , | Leave a comment

I heart Personal Finance!

Piggybacking off My Employment Future, during our company meeting this past Friday it was disclosed that some offers have been placed on the table from interested parties so our owners will pick some one/company soon.  What the next steps will be are these lucky new owners coming in to do Due Diligence (I know what that means but not within this context) and they will be interviewing everyone.  Why?  That’s the part I was leaning forward at the edge of my seat to hear but all I got was a face full of floor because she never answered that.  My timeline of a few months or even a year is shot to hell since she clearly said “in the next few weeks” and warned us that there may come a week when we’d all be asked to work from the office just in case we are called on for an interview.  Oh, and dress business casual too.  Well, I got an email from my manager today saying our work-from-home days next week Monday thru Wednesday are cancelled and that we are to dress business casual for those 3 days.  I need a paper bag to breathe into.  Why is everything going so fast?!  Our CEO is 62 years old and her ex-husband (our Chairman) is at least 5 years older than that so I understand y’all want to retire but I still have a question to ask and no one but me seems a tad bit uneasy about this sell.  I’m not getting a phat check after the sale closes…I just wanna know if I should start kissing butts for a new job or am I cool.  For right now at least.  I guess D-day is next week….dress to impress whether or not I think it matters.

A co-worker was offered a new position in QA which is a new one-person dept created just for this new role which we really needed a looooooong time ago.  How does a software company NOT have a QA dept?!  I have no freaking idea!  It’s a Microsoft Vista situation waiting to happen.  So, this co-worker accepted the position which includes a pay raise since the last time the position was offered to the same co-worker sans pay increase it was turned down.  Co-worker tells manager (after accepting position) that he is moving to PA with his wife.  Manager talks to the corner offices who agree to keep employee on but allow this person to work remotely full-time instead of hiring someone who knows nothing about the system(s) and lose someone who has 5 years of knowledge stored in their head.  This person makes employee #2 who is a full-time remote employee.  The other is a computer programmer working from TX.  My point is….there really isn’t any but maybe it will come to me later.  This person who is moving to PA just passed his 5 year anniversary too and received a check.  You got a pay raise, allowed to work remotely, and a check for staying here 5 yrs….is this not a great situation or what??  I kinda wanna know who the new owners are.  I am anxious for next week in a good and bad way but I shall plan for the worse but pray for the best.  I don’t wanna be laid off.  I don’t wanna job hunt.  I don’t wanna be like so many others out there scraping for anything.  I don’t wanna go back to school either.  I should title this post “I don’t wanna….”

My budget is revealing little things about my spending habits I didn’t want to admit to myself such as I spend way too much on silly things at CVS just because it’s walking distance from my house and they give me $5 off coupons.  I am recording every single penny spent.  A lot of work but necessary.  If I spend $100 at Wal-Mart I force myself to add a comment (using Excel) documenting all the items bought that equaled $100 so I know what I really didn’t need and where I need to be more disciplined.  So far, I am about $100 over budget which means I spent more than my recent paycheck and now must either dip into my savings or use what I had in my checking account before this paycheck was deposited.  I told myself that I don’t need a budget because I can add, do bookkeeping in my head, and I know I am not dropping big faces at the mall but it’s a big difference when you see you don’t have to go to the mall to overspend on stuff you don’t need. 

My ex lost his permanent job weeks ago (he just told me this last week), has been working a temporary job (which explains my low child support payments), gets a new assignment next week, and is trying to network for a permanent job outside of retail in time for the kids to come for summer since the long hours of retail don’t do so well with having at least 3 kids to take to and from daycare.  Yeah, I thought everyone knew that one.  This puts my budget and savings in trouble because I didn’t expect to spend my money on daycare which his child support pymts are supposed to cover which blows my pretty little Excel spreadsheet with the formulas programmed to calculate columns for me to smithereens and makes me wanna call Wayne Brady to choke a b*tch (Dave Chappelle).  My attorney gave me my options: A) change my case standing from private to public which means the courts handle it all and she is left out of it.  The pro is the state can intercept his tax check like everyone who played against the Bears this season.  The con is that the state may lower our agreed child support amount from the divorce papers to match his income which will leave me with pennies just because he eff’d up his career for some lil na na.  B) file paperwork to hold him in contempt of court since he is not adhering to the divorce agreement as it applies to child support.  It will take 4-6 weeks for the judge to review my case and assign a court date (I hope I don’t have to attend) at which time the judge will decide between jail, work release (locked up still but allowed to leave for work only), or a personal finance class to teach him how to budget his money.  The pro is the judge will force him to catch up and he will understand I pull the reigns in this so pay up!  The con is I have to pay for my attorney to file and pursue this issue in court.  Either way it goes, I come out my pocket money but, long-term I gotta think about this strategically.

My investments are doing well…..all 12 shares of them.  I didn’t have a lot of money to start investing in and I didn’t want to use any of my money so I used Mr. D’s instead.  I sold some and bought some more but I have gained 21.26% thus far.  My 401k is rising, then dropping, then rising, and then dropping a bit more but it’s on the up tick right now.  I have been reading about mutual funds and ETFs and how to make an income off them too.  It’s a lot of reading but it’s worth it.  I have funded my revocable trust.  Only thing left to add to it is my bank account which I never seem to have the time to do.  Still have not bought life insurance because I was making sure the 20 year term so cool since my kids will be 24 and 28 and fully capable of taking of themselves by then (they getting the hell outta my house anyways), the cost difference between a regular term policy and the ROP (Return of premium) policy, and confirm which non-medical exam policy I was going to settle on.  You would think I was dying tomorrow….well, lets pray not.  Once everything is finalized my net worth should definitely be more than the $5 some article said most African-American women are worth nowadays.  Kick my butt Mr. Article!!

March 29, 2010 Posted by | Career, Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments


Eventually, I knew I had to write about it.  My friend texted me Saturday morning asking who the hell is baby Jayson on my ex-hubby’s status.  I typed, “I dnt knw…prb his gf’s kid”.  She replies asking if the girlfriend is pregnant.  I replied, “I dnt thk so…her kids is like 10yo”.  I am walking around the house kinda irritated and trying to leave the house in time so I didn’t feel like discussing something as random as who the hell is Jayson.  She replies, “I think you’re off cause his status says baby Jayson will be here any week now”.  I exhale loudly and replied something along the lines of, “Idk then. Maybe his ex gf or the girl he’s with now”.  Day goes by….I get back home to chill & watch a movie when the same friend texts me to say they were all out for girls night out at some casino ( 😦 I wanted to go!)  Anywho, the next day brought phone calls because apparently this same friend was a bit emotional or disturbed about who is baby Jayson and the possibility that my ex could be expecting another baby from what he typed as his Facebook status.  It was discussed while the girls were at the casino (clearly they weren’t having fun) and someone asked how I felt about it.  Another friend spoke up for me saying, “She is fine. Doing her thing in Chicago. Taking care of her kids. She got a boyfriend now so I don’t think she cares at all”.  Same friend with the texts asks my ex (via FB) if he is expecting and he confirms that he is indeed expecting another little boy named Jayson any week now….the mom being his girlfriend of last summer. 

My opinion?  I think my friends care a little bit more than I do.  I am not at all surprised but I am appalled at the silly actions of a foolish man.  His girlfriend of last summer.  I typed it that way because he has a different girlfriend EVERY summer.  I told him not to introduce them to our kids because, after summer break ends, the boys come home talking about the lady & her kids as if they are related just to be introduced to another one next summer.  He said we have moved on so we can each do what we want.  Fine.  I voiced my opinion and I left it alone.  This pregnant girl is summer girlfriend #3 I think.  This is the one he quit his job to move in with, couldn’t find a job during the heart of the recession, left her, moved back to Indy, slept on someone’s couch, and eventually started working again already behind in his child supports to me.  This is when the He Played Me post came about.  He even said (in so many words) that the Lord has blessed him with 4 boys.  I am all for having babies but when you can’t take care of them and everyone knows you will definitely be reliant on government assistance….then I have a problem.  Not an innocent mistake by teenagers.  Grown adults being careless!

When I asked my friend from the earlier paragraph why she was so bothered by it, she said it’s because she is concerned that his new addition may take money from my kids’ child support payment and leave me without adequate financial means or help from his pockets (she was there when he used child support money to move in with his summer boo).  His older son’s mom is not dependent on his child support check.  If it comes…it comes.  If it doesn’t….it doesn’t.  She went strictly through the courts for her child support.  Both of our kids keep in touch.  They see each other during summer months.  My oldest and her son email each other & we make sure to send birthday cards every year.  She is getting married pretty soon so I reiterate the obvious here…..she could care less.  I don’t have a 2nd income so my income is all there is to support the kids when he has failed to make his payments.  I didn’t go strictly through the courts….I hired an attorney partly because we were married as well.  The child support office had no say in the amount I am legally required to get and anything else so I doubt if he has 10 kids it was make a difference.  Now, he could fall behind, get arrested, go to work release, and work off his debts that way missing summers and visitation hours as he pays off his child support with the first monies going to the oldest child trickling down to me eventually.  But, as I told my friends who checked on me after FB told us he was expecting, I am indifferent.

I haven’t called my attorney yet but I will this week to confirm what I think I already know and to ask about 2 recent payments that were already short considerably (his child support is automatically deducted).  I would say ol’ girl is stupid but I’m sure there were a line of folks saying the same thing about me.  I would say his new flavor of the season is stupid but I have been there done that.  His past was never an indicator of his future behavior for these chicks?!  (I was present first before his oldest son came around in case anyone is confused on the chronological order here although it’s all a mess)  I would ask if he has ever heard of condoms but I already know the obvious answer to that question.  Inconsistent income.  No car (repossesion….again).  3 kids already along with court proceedings for child support.  And not even 30 yrs old yet.  This feels like a ghetto Jerry Springer show or even Maury and I am ashamed to say I once played the role of leading lady.  Oh well.  I just hoped he’s get it together, make a life and career for his self, make a mistake but not make several more after that, and just be stable enough to make it on his own solo.  Again, babies are beautiful blessings from God….too bad God doesn’t give us a required dose of common sense.  Have a baby by me and become a welfare mom.  Great!

March 15, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , | Leave a comment

Waiting for Time

I_Want_My_Time_Back_by_GrimarchangelSometimes I wonder things and I never seem to get an answer so I get frustrated and I just stop.  I stop.  I carry on with work, the kids, studying, and any thing else I must do but other times I just stop and keep to myself closing myself off from the world till I feel or know that I know my next course of action.  Or, I stop long enough to calm me down before me does something stupid that me won’t be able to convince a jury of because me has blood all over her hands and me is sitting there looking stupid so what me does is sit and wait and be patient because I heard patience is a virtue but, even if it’s not, patience gives me time to get some control over me so I can remember how to hold my tongue and stop my thoughts and silence my words and just watch the salt drain from the glass ever so slowly wondering when it will be my time.  My ex husband.  The apple of my freakin eye.  The love of my life.  The axis to my earth.  The core of my being.  The sugar in my tea.  The worm in my apple.  The burden of my life.  The meteor on a crash course with my earth.  The heartache of my being.  The anthrax in my tea.  My ex.  He is about 8 weeks behind in child support.  I’ve been patient while he found a job but I must admit I suffer from a known condition that I have yet to find a prescription for: thinking people will just do what’s right.  I don’t know how I caught this.  Maybe it’s because I tend to be overly optimistic, believing people are good-hearted in general, or just not wanting to think someone would actually ask me to bend over so I can take it up the azz.  Maybe it’s my fault.

Well, he has had a difficult time getting child support arranged to come from his check so, after a week or two with no response from him, I called my attorney.  Order is in and ready to be exercised.  Then he emails me to say he has $250 to give to me for the kids.  Email.  I have a cell phone and work phone but for some reason he chooses to only communicate through email.  I call him.  No call back.  I send an email.  No reply till a week later when he tells me he doesn’t know how to get the money to me.  Here is where I laugh so hard I grab a gun and accidently discharge it hoping the bullet travels to Indianapolis and finds him where ever he may be.  You have money but can’t seem to figure out how to get it to me because, afterall, I am in a remote location without access to technology in ANY form completely cut off from society left to my own means so, yes, I can see how this can be a difficult task for you.  I understand completely.  So, I give him my attorney’s phone number and the website to the child support office which states that this FREE site is for the payment of child support.  Days later….I don’t hear from him at all.  I don’t even sweat it because, after a decade, his behavior no longer surprises me.  What does surprise me?  The lack of growth.  Of change.  Of evolution.  Of time because time tends to make this better with age.  Time usually brings about evolution.  Time changes things and people or so I thought.  Not expecting overnight anything.  Just a sliver of something.  He has yet to find a way to get the $250 to me so now I think I should move from Chicago to, I don’t know, a place not even on the map yet, because Chicago is waaaaay too desolate being one of the biggest cities in the USA and all that so there’s no way in hell to get money to someone from a mere 4 hours away.  How absurd!

I check the automated system to see if a payment has been sent and he failed to tell me.  Nope.  Last payment was July 2009.  Yep.  July.  It’s October.  Thank God I am doing fine on my own with the income I have because….well, I think we all know.  But that’s not the icing on the cake.  The sprinkles on the ice cream cone.  The peanut butter on the cracker.  Or, the jelly on the toast.  This nigga right here (I can call him a nigga because I have a black card) had the audacity to update his status on Facebook to take a poll of whether he should buy this Gateway notebook he’s standing in Best Buy looking at right at this very moment or the iPhone.  Hmmm….decisions decisions decisions.  Laptop or iPhone.  Laptop or iPhone.  Laptop or iPhone.  Laptop or iPhone.  I have a laptop.  A Dell laptop.  I use it to work from home.  I also use it to study.  And, I use it to write blogs, watch YouTube, read other blogs, surf the web, talk to friends, and waste a boatload of time.  But, the main purpose I bought it was because the computer my company gave me got a virus (probably my fault) so I bought a laptop so I won’t be responsible for messing up someone else’s anything.  Maybe that’s a stupid reason to buy one because who needs a reason to spend hundreds of dollars on something they do not need but would rather just have?  Who does that??  Not a student in anyone’s school.  Don’t have a work from home anything.  And, study….study what?!  So, here I am spending money on a laptop to actually use it for income….silly silly lil girl I am.  Someone smack me!  Of course I understand how difficult of a decision that must be to choose between a laptop and an iPhone when your ex-wife isn’t getting child support for your 2 kids.  I can see the dilemma. 

Well, I don’t know what he eventually choose if he choose anything at all but the sheer fact that he found his way to Best Buy to stand there and play with a laptop and contemplate an iPhone when he can barely keep his pre-paid phone is beyond me.  Waaaay beyond me!  So far beyond it’s probably off in the nowhere along with Chicago….where the President spent a good portion of his career….where they make the best deep dish pizza….where we got laughed at around the world for our Summer Olympics bid.  But, you know, Chicago is still soooo hard to send money to.  Ahh, the anger.  The heat raising up my neck as I read his status update.  My fingers clicking on another link just to go back to his page because I was sure my eyes were losing their vision.  The speechless moment I had reading people’s responses.  The advice from some friends telling me I should have commented that child support would be better use of the excess cash flow he’s suffering from right now.  But, I didn’t.  I’m waiting for my time.  As the salt drains ever so slowly from this freakin glass in front of me (that’s not me in the picture….I’ve never had blonde hair) I sit and patiently wait for him to fall back on his azz.  I’m not wishing bad on him.  I just want God to get vengeance for me.  Just like I heard that patience is a virtue and what goes around comes around and something about karma….I also heard God say vengeance was His.  So, I practice patience and I sit and wait too pissed to even talk about it other than type it because this is actually a release for me.  Laptop or iPhone….I hope either one short circuits and electrocute his azz.  Ok, I’m done being mean.

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

Wednesday Thoughts

Thinking_by_almumenIt’s Wednesday and I’m sitting at work taking a little break from QA stuff.  I have been doing QA since Monday which sounds like it’s nothing but, when looking through modification ticket after modification ticket having to walk through the steps outlined to make sure our programmers have caught and corrected the bugs in the system….it can become tedious and an irritant to my poor eyes.  Now, I’m sitting here thinking (and writing this) before I tackle the next ticket item which requires me to think and calculate some stuff….I’m not mentally prepared just yet.  I have a little balcony off my apartment.  It doesn’t look over anything serene….just the back of houses, the backyard of my building, the neighbor’s yard, the alley behind the building, and to the school across the street but often times I’ll sit on the balcony in the doorway (I have yet to buy a “balcony chair”) and just think.  Random thoughts:

I really don’t like church.  I like God but I can barely stand the people who go to His house on Sunday.  I have missed a good month of church so this past Sunday was my first time back.  I had no idea what to wear since Chi weather has been pretty cool until you’re out for about an hour or so and then it feels warmer just to dip down again and you wish you’d brought a jacket.  Well, I wore dark slacks, a red shirt, and red strappy sandals.  I unwrapped my hair and left since I was running late as usual!  I guess because my shoes match my shirt people think (to themselves, other, and aloud) that I have money.  It irritates me constantly when they do that.  Then people caught me up on the latest drama going on.  It’s a lot of stuff that I seem to only get from God’s house people and never from regular street folks.  I seriously left feeling more stressed than when I came.  Makes me wonder why I even go.

Then these people are full of excuses.  We are assigned a book to read each month for the Prayer Ministry.  The latest one is maybe 9 chapters that have to be read by this Saturday.  I am on chapter 3 simply because I have been outside of Chi 3 times since our last meeting and have been doing everything else but reading.  It’s all my fault which is why I have been reading it this week making up ground.  No biggie until I hear people complain that they are required to do too much.  That Rev is asking and adding too much to their plate.  Then, when I don’t want to live in the church, they say “you know, you should support your church family when they have events going on”.  Um, I’m cool as ice on that one.  Y’all drive me nuts when I’m there most of the time, just because you live there does not mean I should or can afford to, and I can management my time outside church and still get things done for church as scheduled.  I feel bad and it pisses me off because I know Saturday will come around and these grown azz women will have excuses for why they, yet again, have not read the assigned book.  I know what they’d prefer….audio books or someone to read it for them and tell them what it’s about.  Ridiculous.

I started my Monster account up again and pinpointed my next career move: Treasury Analyst or Cash Mgmt.  I am learning toward cash mgmt because it will give me the much needed experience required to get anywhere in Treasury or corporate finance.  Cash mgmt handles and reconciles the cash a company has on hand to cover it’s immediate expenses….it depends on and safeguards the company’s liquidity.  If a company does not have easy access to cash to cover expenses due to investments, accounts receivables, float, then the company will have some illiquid issues over time and that leads closer and closer to bankruptcy if they have exhausted their borrowing allowances.  You see?  Liquidity is hella important and not something anyone can just walk in to so I am really praying I have marketed myself well to prove I can handle the responsibility.  My current position is secure at least through this year (so says our CEO) but my supervisor told me she’s looking and has her resume posted which only leaves me in this dept if she leaves.  She even said she hopes to get laid off so she can go back to school fulltime since she has enough savings.  I think her savings is at least $10k because she was talking about how she was saving for a face lift amongst other plastic surgery items which she has changed her mind about.  No college debt for her or her husband….no kids….she could really quit and not care.  If she does, my work will double but feel like it has tripled.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not….I will be expecting a hefty raise though if it comes to that.

My ex-hubby and the kids: I am willing and ready to give him custody of them until he finds a job.  No sense in me paying daycare when he’s not working AND I’m tired of some guys making stupid financial decisions expecting the mom to figure it out on their own.  I’m cool on that too.  I put myself in a situation of carrying the financial burden once before and my child almost became a ward of the state because I decided to leave my son home alone so mommy could work instead of lose my damn job.  What did my ex say?  “Oh man, that’s messed up. I wish I could help”.  Never again.  I am ready to pay him child support although I do want my boys back.  I just will not place myself in a situation like that again….it scares me to think about it.  If anything, school here does not start til Sept so he has another month to find employment.  Until then, he can keep the boys….extended summer vacation for everyone.  Maybe next time he’ll think about more than his self when he decides to move and voluntarily leave a perfectly fine job…unless he got fired…then it’s still not ok.

You know those family members who have pissed you off, taken your kindness for weakness, talked ‘ish behind your back, and at the same time asking for a handout?  Well, I just described my mom and 2 of my 4 sisters.  They can kiss my azz.  I know….how can I love God whom I have never seen but hate my bro whom I see everyday?  First off, I don’t see them everyday….I haven’t seen them in months which is how I like it.  Second, I don’t hate them….just a strong dislike.  They call and text but I ignore each one because I’m allergic to drama and hatred aimed at me for no reason.  When I ignore the calls and texts they cuss me out via text or voicemail. LOL….yea, I’m really going to answer now.  When they need something they call but, other than that, it’s back to stabbing me in the back.  I know it’s mean and I have been told to pray for them but, in the meantime, I refuse to give in again.  It’s ok to forgive but never ok to be foolish.  You think Eve would believe and listen to that snake (or serpent) the 2ndtime around?!  Hell naw!

Still staying out of trouble, keeping to myself unless you have been approved, running away from drama, and just at peace with where I am right now.  I have a huge financial decision coming up soon which may involve bankruptcy but we shall see.  I was told to do it awhile ago because of a small debt…nothing huge like other folks.  My aunt suggested it because she did it once before because of a car loan and her husband did it once before for something minor too.  When I say minor I mean less than $20k.  Maybe it’s me but….don’t the negative effects far outweigh that $20k debt?  I don’t know….still thinking.

August 5, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

He Played Me

Human_Cello_by_DanielGnomesHere I am trying to be a good mommy, a good woman, a good person, and considerate of what I would if it was me.  You know that whole “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” line?  Well, that’s what I am doing.  You know that stigma most babymamas have about being greedy money hungry chicks using child support money to get their nails done, etc?  Well, I was thinking about that too although I’m an ex-wife not a babymama.  Every summer my ex-hubby has the boys for about two months but this is the first summer where the court ordered child support is in play.  I decided, since he will have the boys for my much needed Me Time, to return the child support payments back to him since support is for the children which I will not have for that time frame.  Some people call me a white girl because I often do things most black chicks would never do such as voluntarily give money back when I don’t have to.  It was never about someone making me do it.  Someone making me do what is right (imo) should not be forced although he is forced to pay child support because I know how he is….he won’t voluntarily pay shyt.  That’s him.  Not me.  That’s your soul.  Not mine.

There hasn’t been any real drama to discuss in the one year we have been divorced until now.  This muthafucka had the audacity to email me last Tuesday to tell me he is moving within 45 minutes of Chicago, that he has found a daycare for the kids, and how he really hated his job but will start working at the local casino the upcoming Monday.  This was last Tuesday.  Today is Thursday.  I usually transfer the child support money from my bank account into his which cleared last Tuesday afternoon.  He conveniently sent this damn email Tuesday evening….coincidence?  I don’t put shyt pass trifflin ass men.  So, he emails me Tuesday to tell me he is moving (with our boys) further north closer to Chicago but all I was focused on is his freakin job.  In this email he said his company was going bankrupt, he wasn’t having an effect on sales (he worked in Sales), and he absolutely hated his job.  Who voluntarily quits a job during a recession when erbody and they mama is unemployed, laid off, and living off the government trying to make ends meet?  Who does that?!  This muthafucka right here!  Because he hated his job.  Grown ass men still needing a pacifier.  Excuse the cuss words for this post y’all.

I called his company the next day (last Wednesday) to talk to him but his voicemail said he was out of the office for the day so I spoke to the operator who told me that the company did not go bankrupt but was actually bought by another company.  I asked about laid off employees and she reassured me that no one had or will lose their jobs…no changes were made other than corporate structure and management.  This muthafucka just quit!  I call his cell phone…no answer.  He emails me the next evening talking about he can express his self better through email than over the phone.  Pussy ass punk.  Aight, well since words convey what you mean better than speech then let me call my attorney to file some papers I’m sure your ass will clearly understand.  He answers the phone.  He says he will be closer to the kids so he will be able to get them every other weekend like the divorce outlines.   Fan-fuckin-tastic but the divorce outlines visitation every other weekend as well as child support….not in lieu of.  After some probing questions on my part, I find out he is moving to this new city to live with his new girlfriend who told him about this new daycare and she will be picking up my boys (along with her two rugrats) from daycare when he works late.  I feel like I’m about to get all nigger’ish up in here.  This bytch gon’ do what?!  I don’t even know her but she living with my kids and will be transporting my kids??  Anyone who has kids know the paperwork required to allow ANYONE to care for and transport your children just down the damn street and I’m supposed to feel safe doing so with a stranger?  Yeah….ok.

He reassured me that she is not insane, I can meet her if I want to, and she is not gonna hurt the kids.  I know she won’t if the bytch wanna live to see tomorrow but my main issue is with him and I told him so.  He played me.  Played me with his carefully planned move to another city using child support money I gave him when, now, getting child support when the kids return is highly unlikely.  Why?  Because this fool ain’t working!  The alleged job that was to start this Monday did not and the casino now has no positions in that department.  So, he is waiting for the next training class to **drum roll please** deal cards at the tables in the casino!!  You left a Sales position with a salary in downtown Indianapolis to purposefully throw cards on a table for a living.  What do you do for a living?  I throw cards on a green table.  Oh wow! Impressive!  He lied to me by intentionally telling me maybe a quarter of the truth.  He feels I don’t need to know who he has around the kids because he has good judgement.  And he thinks since I make more money than he does missing a few child support payments won’t hurt me much.  Bullshyt! 

And that’s it.  Here I am trying to make sure my boys have a fun summer with their dad knowing his daycare costs are significantly cheaper that it’s damn near free but I still return the full payment to him.  Now this fool will be living rent free with his girlfriend, unemployed until a green table opens up for his highly-ambitious-reach-for-the-stars career goals, planning to drop our boys off as scheduled mid-August, not have any plan on paying me child support until a green table does open up, but he will see them every weekend until his broke ass runs out of gas money then it’s another shit covered excuse freshly pulled from his ass.  I was told to wait and see if he voluntarily sends support payments but I know him and he has NEVER sent shyt voluntarily.  August 15th is the weekend the boys are supposed to come back to me.  Well, since he blew the support money moving his ass up north and making such a fan-fuckin-tastic career move then he can extend his Daddy Daycare esp since he unemployed.  Why should I pay daycare here when you laying on your ass up there?!  One time when being the good woman has not paid off.  One time when being a bytch in every sense of the word would have covered my ass and assets.  I’m pissed and I feel stupid as fuck.  Trusting him to do right simply because I did.  He played me and ain’t shit I can do now but learn from it and get my attorney to handle it.  I hope they lock his ass up and I got his tax check next year.  Too damn old for these childish silly ass games.

July 23, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | 5 Comments