32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Afraid –> Excited

Today I want to cry because I am afraid.  I am supposed to get my kids back for the summer this weekend but I mentally feel like I have not had enough “Me Time”.  It sounds selfish to non-parents and probably to other parents but I can’t pretend to care right now.  I submitted my application for graduate school, sent in requests for transcripts, and even looked at classes I can take this semester.  I am afraid I cannot do it.  Working full-time, running part-time training for the Chicago Half, having the kids full-time, & trying to have a social life….I’m not sure I can fit in being a part-time student.  However, I really want to take classes and I know this is the moment I have been planning for.  I had no idea when it would come but I knew it would so I waited.  Not always patiently but I waited still.  Being busy keeps my mind busy and keeps drama low in my life because I do not have the tolerance for it.  I swear too much time or sitting idly is a recipe for disaster. 

I told a friend that I was afraid.  That I didn’t know if I could pull it off.  That I’d actually have to find a evening sitter, make the commute downtown, sit in class for almost 3 hours, make the commute back home, and then eat/sleep.  The next morning I would run or, depending on the day, I had already ran that morning.  Getting in my mileage now means 10+ mile runs which drains the body if you do not properly fuel or re-fuel and, even if you do, sleep is in order naturally and the best recovery you can give yourself.  Sleep.  Will I ever find it again?  They say the best things are worth fighting for and I know the doors that will open if I go back to school on someone else’s dime which makes it even sweeter.  Only 2 classes a semester – not bad at all.  Once September is over, my running schedule will either remain the same or decrease.  Then I have sorority meetings I totally forgot about – this is really starting to suck.  Maybe I am freaking out.  Maybe I need this overdrive moment to stay focused.  Maybe I sincerely need to lose focus on other things in my life.  Maybe I need to hang up some hats until further notice.

Another friend of mine is getting married 🙂 Another friend is enrolling in graduate school 🙂 Another friend is having a baby 🙂 Another friend just got promoted 🙂 Another friend is closing on their first home 🙂  All my friends are doing well & all my friends are enjoying life despite the difficulties.  I guess their joy & blessings make me less worried about my own.  They are doing it so why can’t I?  Not the marriage part, I have no one in my life I want to marry but I am excited about going back to school since it’s been 5 yrs since I got my Bachelors degree.  I am excited about running 13 miles this weekend for the first time in my life!  I am excited about my credit score increasing 20 points since my last quarterly report.  I am excited that I reached the halfway mark for my emergency fund account.  I am excited that I can let go in faith & live my life knowing I have no regrets.  I am excited.  Change is scary as heck but no one can live my life for me so if I want it I gotta do.

July 30, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , | 2 Comments

Me or You?

I am extremely anal.  Picky.  Concise.  Clear.  If you tell me you will do “A” but you fail to do “A” then I get upset.  Upset because I have enough sense to know I should not say I will do something and not deliver.  Yes, things happen but usually when these situations have occured….”things” have not happened.  Just people who failed to do what they said so they ask me to cut them some slack.  Bend over backwards.  Change my own standards so they can fit in somehow.  And I do it.  I do it because people call me anal, claim I want perfection, think I am not willing to compromise, or am a tad bit unrealistic in my expectations of others.  My argument is this: my expectation of you is exactly what you tell me.  I do not expect anything less or more than what you say from your own mouth.  But, somehow, I am to blame for the inability of some people to realize that they cannot live up to their own expectations of them selves.

I am typing all this because I am tired of apologizing for who I am.  “Pick your battles sweety”.  “Relationships are about compromise”.  “No one is perfect darling”.  I know all this but how can I change me?  I am not going to be less anal.  I will calm it down long enough to drain the life out of me and long enough to become less irritating but who a person truly is eventually resurfaces which is why women are always warned never to change a man.  Never!  Do not even think you can change a man because it’s impossible.  Women are told this.  But if a man thinks I am too anal I am told from both sides to change.  Why?  If he is not defective but excusable then why am I not shown the same treatment?  Someone told me they would call me later.  I asked, “what do you mean by later?”  There is laughter.  I’m not laughing.  I’m seriously waiting for an answer.  They say, “later in the day”.  I say, “now we see you have mastered the art of ambiguity which is excellent but can you answer my question in a way that actually answers it instead of simply replying to it?”  Face shows confusion.  I exhale loudly and say, “I didn’t think you had an answer and you obviously think I am undeserving of one so do me a favor and don’t bother calling at all.” 

This is pure bullshyt.  I accept who I am and I know that if I compromise, give, & bend over backwards when it comes to my annoying habit then I will lose who I am.  Who I am is very important to me.  I shut up, apologize, get things back on the track of happiness but I’m not happy inside…..I’m just going along for the ride because some of my friends know I’m too anal and any guy who can handle me deserves an award but I know I am anal for a reason and any guy who needs me to lower my standards and swallow who I am is beneath me.  A good guy.  A great guy.  But I felt myself strangling myself to death last night.  A friend of mine was complaining about his girlfriend because she has this annoying habit of complaining about folks loudly and in an extremely critical way.  I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “well, that’s who she is.  It irritates the hell outta me so I know I can only take small doses of her.  What did she say when you brought it to her attention?”  He replied, “she said I have to deal with it or I can leave.”  I was shocked at the blunt honesty thinking this girl was crazy and kinda rude to not even think of compromising.  Now, months later, I kinda understand her a little bit. 

There are some things that are just apart of who that person is.  Snoring.  Gossip.  Anal.  Opinionated.  Aggressive.  Dominant.  Spoiled.  Ghetto.  Judgemental.  Etc.  You have to decide what you can and can not deal with and not blame that person for refusing to compromise who they are but instead applauding them for staying true to who they are instead of hiding it for it to resurface later sometime after the honeymoon.  I have a lot of small annoying things I do but the main one has been my refusal to accept ambiguous bullshyt (I did from this guy from day one and should have ended the conversation when he first opened his mouth because he was full of shyt the whole way through and still is.).  When I don’t accept it, I am criticized left and right.  My second thing is holding someone to what they say.  Don’t say it if you don’t plan on doing it…..it’s quite simple but, again, I’m a bitch because I’m seen as being too anal & psycho.  Psycho.  My favorite word.  I think it’s because I’ve been lied to majority of my life & people are out to convince me that I’m crazy (lol) but I guess it’s my “flaw” that I can’t change even if I wanted to.  So, my point is STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME! You knew who I was from day one so deal with it or leave!! I accept your sorry ass & your flaws day after freakin day but you can’t accept the fact that I need to know what the hell you mean when you say “later” or I honestly expected you to do what you said you’d do?  I am difficult to deal with and a lot of guys say I’m too much work but I am not changing.  I’m not.  “Easy” has never been a word used to describe me.

March 12, 2010 Posted by | Me | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Selfish Grief

fraying20brown20fiber20rope20against20black20background201**Here I am with another emotional post!  I wrote this a week ago today but didn’t post it but now I am since I’ve had a chance to re-read it making sure I wasn’t emotionally off-kilt with how I was feeling.  Conclusion: I still have the same selfish feelings but I know I gotta let him go in a sense.  15 yrs is a long time to be that easily broken anyways.

I started crying today and I am totally ashamed to admit why but I will because you all don’t know me but those that do shouldn’t be too surprised.  I have this friend whom I have known for about 15 years.  He is engaged.  He got engaged in February and never told me.  He found out I was upset that we’d been friends all these years and that he keeps a secret from me?!  So, he tells me eventually but I never asked when the wedding will take place because I had no intentions on going.  Why?  Hmm, I can’t.  I just can’t.  I don’t think he would mind my absence but I needed to ask just to be sure.  Well, today I asked him the date for no reason other than knowing when to plan something on that exact weekend so I’d have an excuse not to go.  Well, when he told me the date I nodded my head to say “ok” and then he walked away.  About ten minutes later my eyes began to water for no reason at all.

Here I sat trying to shield my face and casually wipe at my eyes as if I had something in them wanting to kick myself for acting like this.  Why?  It took me getting home and figuring that out after venting to my BFFs who know about our friendship.  See, we used to talk all the time and no matter the time of day or night.  We used to talk in the morning on his way to church or work.  We used to talk in the evening when he couldn’t sleep.  We used to talk while one of us got ready to go somewhere or do something.  We’d just talk for an hour or two or just for 20-30 minutes.  In addition to talking, we would text.  Usually if a week or so has gone by and he hasn’t seen or spoke to me he will text to make sure I am ok or even alive.  Just checking up.  Often times than not, I’d text to ask him a question.  If I was thinking about him I’d see how he is doing.  Texting has replaced our phone conversations but that is how we keep in touch outside of church Sunday morning.  Still does not matter the time of day or night but, using this mode of communication, one of us may have to wait til the next day to get a reply but there is never a “are you crazy?! you texted/called me at 3am!”   

Well, tonight at about 11pm I decided to text him this: “would you be upset if I missed your wedding?”  He replied back, “Yes….why wouldn’t you come?”  I didn’t know what to say because I was expecting a, “oh naw, if you can’t make it then it’s cool” but he didn’t say that.  Then I replied, “well, I didn’t think you’d say that” and he said, “why would I not want you there? you are my bestteedd friend”.  I was thinking how can I say, “because I refuse to celebrate with the both of you as she rides off into the sunset with MYfriend!  I was here first and I don’t care how immature or selfish I am acting because I have a right to feel the way I do and it’s almost expected.  She can sex with you.  She can have your babies.  I don’t want you for that but I don’t wanna lose you either.”  But I didn’t say that because the meaning may get misconstrued so instead I replied, “nevermind, I will be there”.

Today I guess I finally came to grips with the fact that I will lose my friend.  He will always be there but not as I have grown accustomed.  Right now, he lives alone but I know I will have to stop the text messages because I wonder if his new wife will have a problem if she checks his phone to see my name in a string of text messages at a ridiculous hour of the day.  I have the utmost respect for the spouse-to-be but I can’t help but have my own moment of grief.  Things will never be the same and I guess I will miss that knowing I have had to deal with things as they have changed over time.  That is why I was crying.  He knows me and when you find that comfort with someone it is hard to see it reduced to nothing more than an occasional hello and hug as you part ways because life changes.  I really know she is a perfect fit for him and he is finally happy because I knew his ex.  His ex didn’t appreciate him in any way and now he has found someone who does and actually understands him.  But must I lose my friend? 

The last time we didn’t see each other was about a month long.  It was cute.  I just stopped going to church for that period of time and, randomly, I showed up one Saturday to help with a Prayer Breakfast.  He was walking by as I was entering the room carrying trays of food and our eyes met and he smiled at me.  He had stopped walking as if he was seeing a ghost and I smiled almost shyly and looked away (you know how church folk talk).  Later he came over and stood next to me and playfully shoved me with his shoulder.  I started laughing.  He shoved me again maybe twice and then said, “it feels like I haven’t seen you in so long” at which he gives me one of those lingering sideway hugs and I knew he had really missed me.  A mutual friend of ours asked me why exactly was I upset and I told him it was because I was losing my friend.  He said that I was losing him in a certain aspect due to the progression of life which is a positive and my time will soon come too so what is more important: a friend I hold dear who has found love or having my full access to him like I always have?  Of course I want him happy so you all know my answer.  It just hurts to think about how much time and effort went into building and strengthening that rope of ours just to see it down to it’s last fray before it’s torn apart.  If it won’t be the same then what will it be?

May 3, 2009 Posted by | Love, Me | , , , , , | 6 Comments

Perspective

stepping_through_my_shadow_by_peewee82In this world of this life, we meet very different people with vast perspectives of the same world in which we all cohabit.  There are some who think that all others should see things as they do.  There are some who expect different perspectives.  And, then there are some who encourage and thrive in the midst of these differences which, at its very core, actually shows commonality amongst us.  My perspective of different things, different issues, and different topics result from my own experiences, teachings, and ingrained expectations.  Experiences tend to shape our future outlook as it relates to something we have endured.  Broken heart?  Now love will have to jump through hoops the next time it crosses your path just to prove that this time will be different.  Nearly drowned as a child?  Water is officially your kryptonite and an arctic hell is exactly when you will step foot in anything more than a bath tub.  Teased as an overweight child?  “Free” is a permanent member of your kitchen – fat free, gluten free, sugar free, taste free, etc.  What we do as a result of what we endured is not our fault but it is our responsibility.  Our responsibility to not allow it to alter our lives.

What if someone told person #3 that too much exercise can actually do more harm than good?  That your muscles are your friends and need to be strengthened but not overworked so that they can’t even carry out their most basic task.  That your body really does need some fat to function on a daily basis and it’s all about portion control.  That the fear of being overweight can lead to a definite future of being underweight.  It will take time to convince this person, and any other person, that although their intentions are pure the effects can be detrimental.  Asking someone to let go of their perspective is like taking their favorite blanket – it’s their comfort and crutch.  If they lose that excuse then they are susceptible to suffer the past they once knew with nothing to stand in the way to prevent it from happening again.  Changing someone’s perspective or even your own takes a conscious effort, willingness, and diligence to never quit no matter how difficult and frustrating it will get.  Now imagine for a second that water is your friend.  Water is God’s gift to you and, yes, God does still love you.  Imagine the fear of that person when their toe so much as breaks the surface of the water.  They will fight you.  They will fight themselves.  They will fight God even and tell Him He is wrong and they are right because they have been here before and know what has happened so, since it has happened before, it surely will happen again and they will not and cannot go down that road again to face that same pain and fear.  Irrational.  Illogical.  Unreasonable.  Insane. 

We all suffer from or have suffered from some battle wound in life.  Wounds usually heal quickly when taken care of but proper care does involve taking the bandage off once in a while to allow the wound to breathe.  Covering it, shielding it from the elements in fear that it will get infected only prolongs the healing process.  Infection is a genuine concern but be conscious of the environment where you open your wound.  Someone with a broken heart won’t allow their wound to air out in the presence of those looking to hit-and-quit, pencil in a booty call, roll the dice on the boardwalk of their heart, or add their name to a new roster.  The funny thing is how quickly life can wound us compared to how long it takes for us to heal.  In a flash we lose our once rosy and optimistic vision of life making those around us wonder when the funeral will take place and they can bury your dead body.  But to see things as they really are, as they could be, as they should be is rejuvenating and exhilarating.  No, it’s not easy and yes it hurts like hell to do what you have forced yourself not to do out of fear that there will be a deja vu moment.  Not out of fear that sugar will kill you neither out of fear that love will gut you….just fear that you will make the same mistake you did before.  If you refuse to acknowledge your skewed perspective, make a conscious effort to change that perspective, and replace it with a new perspective then you will forever see things through the veil of your past which is not how others see the world.  You are not above water like the rest but you are choosing to drown while looking up at life.  Now, what you have feared has taken control.

I have a perspective malfunction in one or two areas of my life and, as much as I think I am moving pass them, I am reminded often that I have a ways to go before I am over it.  The funny thing is that, for me at least, I couldn’t get over these fears alone.  Talking to God did little because, no matter how much I begged, He has refused to come down from Heaven, hold my hand, and physically walk me through these various situations.  People who can empathize and people who care about me are those who have helped me through many circumstances.  As much as I label myself crazy, looney, and emotionally psycho…I always seem to find someone who can look past my issues and be there.  Or, maybe they see their own psychoness and can sense one of their own…I’ll take that too.

April 10, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment

Lost

lost

There was a time I felt like I had lost myself.  I knew what I looked like, what I used to be, who I used to be, and where I was last seen but that is it.  Life has a way of taking us on a ride from which some seldom get off or even know they can take a slight detour while on.  Feeling like you have lost yourself is not a way to live life but realizing you have lost you is a great place to be.  One of my friends is in a relationship where his needs and desires aren’t being met as he would like.  He texted me once to say that he feels as if he has stopped living since he got into this relationship.  Stopped living?  And to say it was when he became someone’s boyfriend is remarkable.  I told him he was not happy if that is how he feels.  He says he wants her but knows that she does not satisfy him completely.  At what cost are we willing to lose ourselves? 

I recently saw the movie Revolutionary Road starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.  The movie asked the question, how can we break free without breaking apart?  In the movie, without giving away the movie, there is an American married couple who have always refused to live the wholesome surburban life with the 2.5 kids but they find themselves there eventually while one wants desperately to leave that life but not at the sacrifice of losing his family.  The other wants desperately to leave that life and is willing to sacrifice anything just to break free because they are literally breaking down. 

Life can be empty and hopeless when you feel you have lost your way, feel you have given up on your dreams, feel you are not living life as you desired to, feel life is passing you by, or feel like life like this is simply a jail sentence.  In the movie, the only person who seems to be in touch and aware was someone clinically diagnosed as mentally impaired.  He said quite a few profound statements in the movie including the one below: “Plenty of people are on to the emptiness [of life] but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness.

Kate Winslet’s character said:  “If being crazy means living life as if it matters then I don’t care if we’re completely insaneandYou know what’s so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they’ve lived without it.  No one forgets the truth they just get better at lying.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s character said: “Knowing what you’ve got, knowing what you need, knowing what you can do without – that is inventory control

I do not believe in reincarnation nor do I believe that our cards are already dealt for us.  We all have a choice on how we live our lives.  We all get lost sometime too.  Just don’t stay lost.  When you begin to feel as if the person looking back at you in the mirror is not you but only looks like you, when you feel there is no point getting up in the morning, when your daily routine has you wanting to swallow a bullet, when you realize you have accepted the myth that kids and/or marriage means life as you know it ends, when you can’t remember the last time you even smiled….go find you and your happiness where ever it may be or with whom ever it may be….be completely insane but completely you!

March 14, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , | Leave a comment