32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Pray For Me Too

Today is the 2nd Saturday of the month which means it’s Prayer Ministry time.  Meeting is from 8-945a…I got there about 815a.  I have missed the last 3 weeks of any & everything church related partly because I’ve been out of town so, when I walked in, I could tell some people were surprised.  I sat down and looked over the agenda to see what we’d be discussing today.  Our book of the month is Spiritual Warfare.  Honestly, this has been the book-of-the-month for the past few months.  Why?  Because no one has read it and because Mama Allen refuses to go on ahead without knowing most of the Prayer Warriors gained something from the book.  The point of this post is to highlight my own shortcomings, the time I was downright rude during the meeting, and the time I talked to Mama Allen about my own concerns with the ministry. 

We have a facilitator for the book who has been absent from the ministry most of this past year while she battled cancer so it was good to have her back.  She opened the discussion and a couple women shared their opinions on the book, what they got from the book, and how it somehow pertained to their personal lives.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!  What the discussion is supposed to do is get everyone talking about key aspects of the book highlighting some line or passage from the book that they liked.  That did not happen too much today.  I won’t say it didn’t happen but I will say it didn’t happen as intended.  One lady (who we all know you can’t pay her to shut up) started talking about something in right field.  Then another lady (who should honestly never speak publicly) started talking about something in left field.  By this point, I was highly irritated because, yet again, we were off topic, not discussing the actual book, and we were going to add yet another month to this already old book!  When the lady talking about left field started to recap a story involving her friends’ house, casting out demons in this house, how she went and bought a bottle of oil to anoint the house, and how she went from room to room speaking the word of God and pleading the blood of Jesus….I was past pissed.

Maybe it’s just me but some people want so badly to be used by God for all the wrong reasons.  She has no anointing.  I will venture out there to say that.  Everyone kept saying how real and serious Satan and his demons are.  How you shouldn’t play with casting out demons because they will surely find a home in you if they know you are just faking the funk pretending to be anointed and all that oil in your hand is good for frying some chicken only!  Yet and still, they say this and people will take up a good 15 minutes recapping their stories.  It’s cool if you wanna take that risk but not during the time when we are supposed to be discussing the book.  So, since I’m used to people at this church constantly muttering under their breathes “I wish she will sit down” or “here she go again” I raised my hand and the lady stopped talking probably assuming I had something to add to the story but, instead, I pointed to the facilitator and said “you can go on to the next chapter”.  You should have seen her face!  She looked like she wanted to say, “how dare you b*tch” but I held my ground cause I was serious….move on!!  Mama Allen starting talking, this chick gave me one of those looks, I leaned forward about to tell her what part of my anatomy she can kiss, but instead I got up and walked out.  I was feeling frustrated all over again.  The ministry is not meeting my expectations nor is it meeting Mama Allen’s expectations given to her by the Holy Spirit. 

Mama Allen called me later during the day and I told her I did feel irritated, I’m tired of waiting until someone decides to do the work needed of Prayer Warriors, I’m tired them wanting the entire church to know they’re Prayer Warriors but not do the work to build the foundation, and I’m tired of feeling stagnant.  My shortcoming?  I felt arrogant during that moment in the meeting before I raised my hand.  This lady said “and I dos it” instead of “I did it” and it was all downhill from there.  In my head, I started to have arrogant thoughts such as “I’ve read all the books and memorized the scriptures so I should be on an accelerated track” or “this lady can’t even speak properly but she’s casting out demons?!” or “these people are holding me back” or “I refuse to call grown women to make sure they have read their books”.  When I walked out, I felt guilt at my thoughts, irritation, and the sad realization that some people need someone to hold their hand in this.  I admit I am not that person.  I am hands off.  Either you work for it or you won’t.  I am not a teacher & I am not a coach because I am the best student/athlete you can find.  I don’t give up.  I don’t whine the whole way.  If I know I can’t then I bow out but not before giving it my all.  I lack patience for people who complain more than they try.  Mama Allen has bust her skinny azz tryna put shyt together for this dang ministry so it pisses me off when some grown azz woman says “I ain’t got time to be reading all these books!”  Do they say that to Mama Allen?  No, they’s bytches.  I hear them say this shyt all the time and they say it to me or when I am standing right there basically not caring how time and effort Mama Allen has invested so it does piss me off and I wish they’d just bow the phuck out.  I told Mama Allen on the phone that the meetings aren’t timely and people talk too freakin much.  How can we move on?!

In the end, I don’t know what I wanna do.  I stepped outside to gain my composure, the Pastor walked in with a deacon and didn’t look at me just muttered a “hello” as if it was required, and I just about screamed.  Why am I even here?!  Why?  My mood is ten times worse from being here for just 2 hours.  Maybe it is Satan up to no good.  Maybe it is a spirit of discord and division.  Maybe it is but I know I want to learn more and I should have learned more but the ministry is not where I would have hoped it would be.  Mama Allen mentioned a “what if” situation that involved her leaving the church or letting the ministry go in the hands of the current leaders….I’d surely leave it as well.  It prb won’t die but it will be on life support for awhile.  I cursed.  I yelled.  I stomped my feet.  I grabbed my coat and left as soon as I could.  I ran from the church and doubt I’d be there tomorrow morning.  If this is Satan’s way of keeping me at bay then it must be cleverly disguised because all I can think about is the mess called organized religion and the Christians who resemble Satanists if anything.  Strong words to type but imagine the way I feel to even type that and stand behind it.  Pray for me too.

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February 13, 2010 Posted by | Christian | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments