32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Wednesday Thoughts

Thinking_by_almumenIt’s Wednesday and I’m sitting at work taking a little break from QA stuff.  I have been doing QA since Monday which sounds like it’s nothing but, when looking through modification ticket after modification ticket having to walk through the steps outlined to make sure our programmers have caught and corrected the bugs in the system….it can become tedious and an irritant to my poor eyes.  Now, I’m sitting here thinking (and writing this) before I tackle the next ticket item which requires me to think and calculate some stuff….I’m not mentally prepared just yet.  I have a little balcony off my apartment.  It doesn’t look over anything serene….just the back of houses, the backyard of my building, the neighbor’s yard, the alley behind the building, and to the school across the street but often times I’ll sit on the balcony in the doorway (I have yet to buy a “balcony chair”) and just think.  Random thoughts:

I really don’t like church.  I like God but I can barely stand the people who go to His house on Sunday.  I have missed a good month of church so this past Sunday was my first time back.  I had no idea what to wear since Chi weather has been pretty cool until you’re out for about an hour or so and then it feels warmer just to dip down again and you wish you’d brought a jacket.  Well, I wore dark slacks, a red shirt, and red strappy sandals.  I unwrapped my hair and left since I was running late as usual!  I guess because my shoes match my shirt people think (to themselves, other, and aloud) that I have money.  It irritates me constantly when they do that.  Then people caught me up on the latest drama going on.  It’s a lot of stuff that I seem to only get from God’s house people and never from regular street folks.  I seriously left feeling more stressed than when I came.  Makes me wonder why I even go.

Then these people are full of excuses.  We are assigned a book to read each month for the Prayer Ministry.  The latest one is maybe 9 chapters that have to be read by this Saturday.  I am on chapter 3 simply because I have been outside of Chi 3 times since our last meeting and have been doing everything else but reading.  It’s all my fault which is why I have been reading it this week making up ground.  No biggie until I hear people complain that they are required to do too much.  That Rev is asking and adding too much to their plate.  Then, when I don’t want to live in the church, they say “you know, you should support your church family when they have events going on”.  Um, I’m cool as ice on that one.  Y’all drive me nuts when I’m there most of the time, just because you live there does not mean I should or can afford to, and I can management my time outside church and still get things done for church as scheduled.  I feel bad and it pisses me off because I know Saturday will come around and these grown azz women will have excuses for why they, yet again, have not read the assigned book.  I know what they’d prefer….audio books or someone to read it for them and tell them what it’s about.  Ridiculous.

I started my Monster account up again and pinpointed my next career move: Treasury Analyst or Cash Mgmt.  I am learning toward cash mgmt because it will give me the much needed experience required to get anywhere in Treasury or corporate finance.  Cash mgmt handles and reconciles the cash a company has on hand to cover it’s immediate expenses….it depends on and safeguards the company’s liquidity.  If a company does not have easy access to cash to cover expenses due to investments, accounts receivables, float, then the company will have some illiquid issues over time and that leads closer and closer to bankruptcy if they have exhausted their borrowing allowances.  You see?  Liquidity is hella important and not something anyone can just walk in to so I am really praying I have marketed myself well to prove I can handle the responsibility.  My current position is secure at least through this year (so says our CEO) but my supervisor told me she’s looking and has her resume posted which only leaves me in this dept if she leaves.  She even said she hopes to get laid off so she can go back to school fulltime since she has enough savings.  I think her savings is at least $10k because she was talking about how she was saving for a face lift amongst other plastic surgery items which she has changed her mind about.  No college debt for her or her husband….no kids….she could really quit and not care.  If she does, my work will double but feel like it has tripled.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not….I will be expecting a hefty raise though if it comes to that.

My ex-hubby and the kids: I am willing and ready to give him custody of them until he finds a job.  No sense in me paying daycare when he’s not working AND I’m tired of some guys making stupid financial decisions expecting the mom to figure it out on their own.  I’m cool on that too.  I put myself in a situation of carrying the financial burden once before and my child almost became a ward of the state because I decided to leave my son home alone so mommy could work instead of lose my damn job.  What did my ex say?  “Oh man, that’s messed up. I wish I could help”.  Never again.  I am ready to pay him child support although I do want my boys back.  I just will not place myself in a situation like that again….it scares me to think about it.  If anything, school here does not start til Sept so he has another month to find employment.  Until then, he can keep the boys….extended summer vacation for everyone.  Maybe next time he’ll think about more than his self when he decides to move and voluntarily leave a perfectly fine job…unless he got fired…then it’s still not ok.

You know those family members who have pissed you off, taken your kindness for weakness, talked ‘ish behind your back, and at the same time asking for a handout?  Well, I just described my mom and 2 of my 4 sisters.  They can kiss my azz.  I know….how can I love God whom I have never seen but hate my bro whom I see everyday?  First off, I don’t see them everyday….I haven’t seen them in months which is how I like it.  Second, I don’t hate them….just a strong dislike.  They call and text but I ignore each one because I’m allergic to drama and hatred aimed at me for no reason.  When I ignore the calls and texts they cuss me out via text or voicemail. LOL….yea, I’m really going to answer now.  When they need something they call but, other than that, it’s back to stabbing me in the back.  I know it’s mean and I have been told to pray for them but, in the meantime, I refuse to give in again.  It’s ok to forgive but never ok to be foolish.  You think Eve would believe and listen to that snake (or serpent) the 2ndtime around?!  Hell naw!

Still staying out of trouble, keeping to myself unless you have been approved, running away from drama, and just at peace with where I am right now.  I have a huge financial decision coming up soon which may involve bankruptcy but we shall see.  I was told to do it awhile ago because of a small debt…nothing huge like other folks.  My aunt suggested it because she did it once before because of a car loan and her husband did it once before for something minor too.  When I say minor I mean less than $20k.  Maybe it’s me but….don’t the negative effects far outweigh that $20k debt?  I don’t know….still thinking.


August 5, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment