32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Random Thoughts…

The hardest part of dying is making sure you knew what it meant to live. I tend not to follow the crowd although I’m not saying the crowd is wrong or misguided. When I step from the crowd, watch the activity, formulate my own reasoning, and act out a decision from there…I tend to go against the grain. Life Update – last week of school for my kids, work is ridiculously busy & complex now, my finances have taken a halt while my attorney gets child support set-up (again) and the amount re-calculated (higher this time), and I have too many things I want to do as far as hobbies this summer that picking just a few will be torture. Love? A cursed emotion that plays at your human need for companionship although you aren’t quite sure it’s love you want or even need. Companionship? Yes. Someone who speaks Greek when I have an English-only tongue? No. You will not believe the frustration that sets in when you try to communicate with such a person. I say, do, and think things I have never thought I would. Then I wonder if marriage is truly for me when I think everyone else is an idiot but not I lol always a superior optimism when it comes to your own intellect.  He says I express myself really well often looking forward to me breaking down complex things his male brain can’t comprehend.  Then he says, “oooh I get it” and I wonder if I really worded it any differently than the first time.  We argue often but we talk constantly  He is my friend still which is the core of the dilemma here.  My friend is awesome, funny, smart, and adventurous.  My boyfriend is Greek, stupid, needs play-by-play instructions, and often has his foot in his mouth.  I favor the friend more so and the boyfriend less because I place no expectations on the friend but plenty on the boyfriend.  “You act like I’m two different people” he says.  You are – one irriates me and the other doesn’t.  Why can’t I merge the two or kick the latter out?

Sat down reading through my Will.  Haven’t gotten it signed by witnesses and notarized yet.  Why?  Because I cannot finalize the guardianship and executor of my Trust portion.  My trust is finalized but there is honestly no person I will feel 100% able to take over for me.  No one.  I kinda think my kids will be at more adverse risk if I die before they can take care of themselves.  I know I talk money here a lot but I truly am not greedy or a gold-digger.  Money equates a lot of things to me, much like distance running, exercising, being a Christian, abstaining from sex, etc.  When there is so much outside pressure to follow the crowd or to do otherwise, it shows great character and integrity to decidedly walk into the wind.  I admire people like that.  I admire those who are unwavering solo.  I admire anyone with strong ethics and morals although both are subjective and the very reason we war.  The small complexities of life.  I find it weak to give in although you know it is wrong for you.  I am weak.  I give in constantly.  Add my name to the hat.  But someone to care for my kids, control the pot of money after my bills are paid, and make decisions for them as I would….very hard decision.  I have chosen 1 person from my entire blood family.  One.  But, I plan to delete her name altogether because she’s not ready for such a responsibility.  I have added 1 with the thought of making that 2 persons from my church I no longer attend.  Two.  Blood relation is important but it is not everything imo.  I would prefer a family member but I know no one in my family is capable of doing anything I would want to be a lasting impression on my kids.  It’s a good thing both Trust and Will are revocable.  My brother graduated from high school this past week.  My sister plans to go to some Fashion school in LA this Fall.  I plan to continue reading my Finance books this year on my own self-study course and continue working on my emergency savings fund.  I have a career change idea but I am still trying to figure that one out and how I plan to go about it.  You know how you have this awesome idea in your head but it all falls apart once executed?  Yeah, that’s me.  It all sounds great until I write it down, map it out, budget it, anticipate any risks, and realize I didn’t think this through nearly enough.

Yesterday, someone told me I try too hard not to show how sweet of a person I am.  They began with a, “don’t take this the wrong way….”  and followed that earlier statement with a “you seem to take pride in being a bitch when that’s not you”.  I held the phone to my ear for a few seconds and wondered what to say.  Dare I say I am not a bitch?  I have surely done “bitch” things that I do and do not regret so that would be far from the truth.  Dare I say it’s a defense mechanism? Partly because I have seen the evil of people who take your kindness and giving spirit as a personal benefit to them or who think I owe it to them since I finished college.  It’s harder to be sweet and much easier to be mean although being mean wears me down.  The person on the phone said they have never met anyone so sweet.  I find that hard to believe.  I do not take pride in being a bitch.  It just comes so easy esp when I am angry, upset, hurt, embarrassed, threatened, etc.  When someone makes me bleed profusely, I have the power to wring their heart dry.  I have seen the damage my words have done along with my actions.  So, I make the decision to be sweetly me and not let persons or situations turn my heart cold and evil.  I am disciplined enough to save thousands of dollars, run miles on end, keep away from chocolate and red meat, and remember my Christian principles.  Still struggle with sex.  Everyone has a vice.   I swear those Biblical stories aren’t always encouraging.  Men whom God used although they continued to sin begs me to ask “why give up sex then?”  I’m just admitting the conversation I have with myself sometimes.  Til tomorrow…


June 13, 2010 Posted by | Life | , | Leave a comment


Guess who is to be featured in their company’s upcoming newsletter?  ME!!  Since I took over the Corporate Systems Support Specialist (I added the word “specialist”) role from another co-worker who took a QA position, I have had to tell everyone who emails or calls why Bill isn’t answering or replying instead.  Usually, people do not care as long as they have an answer to their question(s) but sometimes you get those faithful regular customers who have grown familiar with talking to the same person about various issue for the last couple of years.  Well, I do not mind telling them Bill has moved on a better position and I am taking over.  What kinda irks me is the disappointment I hear in their voices.  My goodness!  But, featuring me in the company newsletter should serve as an official announcement so I can stop answering the “Who are you and where is Bill?” inquiries.  It’s bad enough I’m a woman now I gotta deal with the obvious scepticism that I know half of what Bill does.  No, I do not know as much as Bill but he was here 5 yrs giving him a 2 yr advantage so let me play catch-up.  Anywho, we had donuts today to celebrate his last day which isn’t really his last day but, after Monday, different people within the office have different work-from-home days so you gotta catch them all when you can.  Donuts – this is why America is an obese country.  We have donuts for every occasion here.  Not complaining….I’m just saying.

That was pretty much it but guess what?  I want everyone to stop by Tinker Bell’s blog since today is her birthday 🙂  No one knows Tinker Bell (Zvonka).  I only know her via my blog but I feel like she’s a sweet caring bad ass chick (my form of compliment).  I love birthdays so I hope you are having an awesome day.  Until then, good day mates 🙂

May 17, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , | 3 Comments

My Period, Raise, Boyfriend, & Running

Seriously, I’m not feeling too well 😦 two hours before I was set to leave work my uterus started tightening every 5 mins or so and I had to stop each time and grimace a tad bit.  Cramps!  I hate when my period starts while I’m at work but there was nothing I could do about it….Mother Nature refuses to get my opinion or views on anything.  So, I left a few minutes early and made a trip to the bathroom.  On my way home, I stopped to pick up tampons and chocolate and Scope…last one was random.  I sat down in front of TV, ate, watched people fall during downhill skiing, and dealt with my 8yo refusing to think long enough to finish his math homework.  How can you be mentally lazy?!  Ridiculous! 

So, before Mother Nature attacked my body, my manager called me into his office.  I never get called into his office unless we all have a meeting or he wants to show me something work related or I need his signature on something.  So, I get up thinking “is he gonna lay me off??” but he just wanted to tell me I was getting a raise!!  This is monumental because we have been in a recession since 2008, majority of my friends have been laid off or are still laid off, our sales were significantly less than last year so last year brought no raise at all (but we did get a bonus), and most companies are reigning in spending so it is still hindering our sales dept.  But, the big wigs gave out raises and I was one of those blessed folks 🙂  I got a 2.44% raise and a bonus!  Bonus is actually more than the bonus last year so I’m super happy.  He told me the dollar amount of my salary increase but I think a percentage looks better although 2.44% anything is almost nothing no matter what the 2.44% is added to but I will surely take it.  Then my manager asked how things were going and I explained I was learning more still (going on my 3rd yr here), doing more when boss lady stops hogging all the work because she’s obsessively anal over every small detail, and I feel like I’m always busy with something so that’s great.  He warned that a major company was coming to our dept pretty soon so our current workload would increase and the big wigs have already told him “no” as far as hiring more help.  Honestly, I think the boss lady and I can handle it well ourselves….but I say that now.  He told me to keep learning as much as I can & get ready to get buried (in so many words).  My dept is the bread & butter of the company (so says boss lady)…we bring in a nice revenue with outsourcing services so if more companies sign up then I should always have a job but I won’t bank on that too much.  So, my extra money which will be back paid from the 1st of the year to now will go right into my savings account along with my bonus when I get that.  I am really working hard on my emergency fund account & not spending on silly stuff I don’t need.  I am more than half way to my savings goal and then I can start working on my next goal to financial freedom!

I moved back to Chicago for my current job in June 2007.  In September 2007 I met this guy named D but I started calling him Chocolate Drop because he’s dark like chocolate, looked good like chocolate, and I just knew he had to taste good like chocolate too.  Anywho, we dated for a couple of months but then he said something about women being Pastors of churches along with a women-in-leadership comment that royally pissed me off so we stopped dating.  We remained friends for the next 2 yrs partly because he’s my boys’ barber and he is a cool person who I kinda still liked.  He is a property manager by day, barber by night, and co-owner of a cleaning something business with his brother for whatever part of the day is left.  So, July 2009 we started dating again and recently (after I wrote The Best saying how awesome he was although we didn’t work out) he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I thought he was joking because he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 10 years & the word “relationship” kept him frightened.  After writing The Best, I stuck around as his friend and we talked more, completely stopped arguing (a miracle), we laughed all the time & we swapped stories about random stuff and then about actual meaningful stuff.  He’d bring the boys milk, orange juice, candy for Valentines Day parties (all things I never felt like going to get), something I needed printed (I don’t have a printer at home), tacos, and anything else I call him for.  We just kinda started having fun & enjoying each others’ company again but then I realized my feelings hadn’t gone anywhere but neither had his so that’s how it happened.  I thought the next couple of days he’d freak out & say he made a mistake because 10 yrs ago this chick did blah blah blah and he no longer believes in love and he would rather be friends because of blah blah blah that will never make sense to me but then he said I was the best woman he’d ever dated and I realized while I had written The Best about him here he was thinking the same thing about me (altogether now……AWWWWWW!)  So, I have a boyfriend now and his name is Mr. D.

I officially registered (paid my money) for the Chicago Half Marathon this Sept so I have about 6 months to get my butt into run-13-miles-under-2-hours shape although I’d settle for 2.5 hours however ridiculously slow that sounds in my head.  Now…..I need to watch some more TV, read some more about ETFs, find some good accounts offering a decent interest rate in this economy, & actually get my forms notarized tomorrow.  Geez!  I was supposed to do that today but my lower body was cramping too bad to think about anything else.  No reason for the pink converses other than they’re freakin cute and uber girly! Over and out.

February 24, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Let’s Talk for a minute…

My 4 yr old has eyes that sparkle like gems when he smiles.  Sometimes I think my own eyes are playing tricks on me but I swear when he’s really excited or giddy, he laughs this angelic sound and this eyes turn into a brilliant spectrum of white lights.  I can see happiness in his eyes and it makes me smile.  His smile is adorable.  His eyes squint really small reminiscent of his dad’s Cherokee blood. He melts my heart instantly.  I always wonder how he could be so cute.  My oldest has out grown his child-like cute phase and has now turned into an inquisitive annoyance that catches me off guard when I don’t answer his question literally or if I answer it in riddle form which only sets up another round of questions and I want to scream.  Not as annoying as I’d like to think but quite impressive because the boy can dissect through any and every thing.  He has big dark eyes which are alluringly sinister only because he hides behind this innocent look and people actually fall for it.  But not I!  I invented that look….who do you think he gets it from??

Then I wonder about the future, what will happen to me, what will happen to them, and what will happen to this world around me and I wish for a moment that I’d never had kids at all.  No one to make me feel the kind of pain that only a parent would feel.  When I added the tag widget to the left side of this blog, I had no idea I write about God so much.  I don’t question God but I do wonder why we are here just to die and suffer great pain at seeing our loved ones go.  It only dulls the pain a tad bit knowing I might see them again but who’s to say that’s true?  Faith only calms me for so long before I want someone from the other side to let me know if what I think awaits me is fact or fiction.  It’s Russian Roulette with my soul.  What if I make the wrong decision?  I remember that story in the Bible where a man died but he didn’t listen to all the prophets or whomever had come to warn him to live right and confess God as his Lord (I’m paraphrasing like I’ve never paraphrased).  When he died, he asked if he could go back and warn his loved ones but his request was denied because they should have their own chance to make their own decision as he had.  To heed the warnings or ignore them.  If I had known what I know now, I would not have reproduced & brought offspring into this world of mass confusion where no one knows anything but everyone swears they know everything. 

I whine about how unfair life is sometimes (tried to not end that sentence with a preposition which I do often).  Not about material things because I don’t really care too much about that stuff.  I complain about folks who find happiness by way of a intimate relationship with someone of the opposite (or same if that’s your preference) sex.  I thought I’d done everything as right as I could.  No, I didn’t wait til I was married to have sex but I did marry the first guy I had sex with.  Does that count for something?  Now, girls have sex tapes, sleep with football teams, and get trifling nicknames and here I am wondering what I’m doing wrong.  The world will lead me to believe I am too much on the straight and narrow so that’s my problem but, then again, I wouldn’t go the opposite way if given the choice because it’s not really me either.  I have no friends here.  I know a lot of people but not a single one I actually like.  Everyone is younger (my sisters), older (translation: boring), usually married (they bring their husbands everywhere), or too immature to enjoy the things I do.  Then I sit and wonder what it’s all for which leads to me thinking way too much so I put on my music to calm my brain down and I’m back to normal again.  Sometimes life can be boring.  I don’t want to work all the time.  I don’t want to sit in church all day.  I don’t want to sit in the house all week.  I don’t want to spend my free time with folks I can’t stand.  I don’t want to run myself to death (or to anorexia).  I don’t want to think about everything there is to think about.  I don’t want to so I wonder what is there left to do.  After all I’ve done throughout the week with the kids, work, running, and a little church sprinkled here and there…..what else is there left for me to do? (I am sure my grammer sucks!)

My point?  I have none.  I’ll grab something to snack on, register for my big race this year, talk to my bff from 2 states away, watch a movie, and then fall asleep just to do this all over again tomorrow.  One day, I need to find my calling because this existing to say I lived is not working for me anymore.  No, my calling is not in a church….that much I know for sure since no one can seem to keep me there long enough to hold down a position.  Usually when I think about God, unlike other topics in the world, the best way to handle it is to not think too much.  The simplest thought is sufficient.  You ever feel the need to pray?  I was about to do something (can’t say because it’s prb TMI) when I felt the need to pray.  I didn’t pray though.  I knew the insistence to pray was present for a reason but I didn’t.  I just sighed loudly and did not do what I was about to do.  You know what else I hate (well, I didn’t actually say I hate anything but ignore that part), I hate women who don’t act like women.  Maybe it’s because all the women I know are married or single Christian women having sex like it’s bread given away at the Last Supper or virgins who don’t know the uphill battle I face sometimes.  I wanna talk about masturbating but I heard that’s taboo because if I speak it then something blah blah blah but if I don’t speak it then I fake the funk like everyone else.  Maybe I can’t find folks like me because I don’t seem embarrassed about anything, ashamed about anything, or self-conscious about anything.  I am a tad bit too uninhibited to be a good little Christian girl but, for some reason, I am one.  How the hell did that shyt happen?!

February 8, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

From 32B?

People ask me often “why 32B?” Why not something related to my geographical location?  A passion of mine? My ethnicity?  My career path?  Why not reference one of the many hats I wear throughout life?  Why not something I will blog about often such as a theme?  Well, if I picked one of these this is my list of options: a) Chi Chick or Chi-City Slicker, or something else FB’ish with Chicago in the name b) Running Mama, Bunny, Run D Run!, Runners Rock!, or something else related to running but I’m not just a runner and I’m more excited about actually running than talking abt or discussing it c) Black Girl, Chica Negra, My Black ain’t Wack!, or something else related to my African ancestry but I’m not 100% sure I’m African at all so I’d be assuming based on my complexion and profiling myself d) Numerically Speaking, Boardroom Women, CFO Baby!, Let me Calculate you!, or something else cheesy because my career path cannot be flipped into cool e) I am a mom, runner, sister, friend, soror, daughter, church member, etc….none of that makes me who I am so it’s just a small part of me because I will still be me if all those hats get blown away with the wind f) I barely have a theme at any one time and I love being random so picking a theme would irritate and stifle me more than actually help me. 

So why 32B?  Because I knew more people would be offended by it than I would.  They want me to find the disrespect in referring to my breast size but I shrug my shoulders and say, “they are just breast. Nice size for my body but nothing that defines me & I like to show them off and use them to get stuff I want so a bad thing?  Offensive?  Puleez!”  If it doesn’t define me than why did I choose it to define this blog?  It is the opposite of me.  It’s neutral.  It’s one of those things that I try to explain because it makes sense to me but no one else will ever understand it.  I can write about anything in any way any time whenever.  I might mention I’m a Christian but that’s another hat.  I might mention I have kids but that’s another hat.  I might mention I’m black but that’s another hat.  Even 32b boobs is kinda a hat lol but no one focuses on breast. Women have them, men love to play with them, but women do not usually like to talk about them unless they’re sore from their period, being sucked raw by a newborn, or leaving them fearful when cancerous cells force them to be removed. 

I am simply undefinable (if that’s a word) so it’s nice to try and define my self, to give myself a box to fold my body into as counterproductive as that may be it is comforting to have some restrictions however illusionistic (I think I made that word up) those restrictions are.  Some sheltered kids scream for freedom and some loose kids scream for limitations….self imposed or not.  I could have titled this blog Vagina Vents…kinda vulgar imo but still kinda catchy. Hmmm.  I do have some Vagina Vents esp since mine is going through a drought right now.  See TMI…I offend when I’m honest and I offend when I’m just writing.  I offend left and right so I guess offensive with small boobs is not something I care too much about.  Why 32B?  Basically, because I felt like it, I liked the name, and no one had 32B already!  Don’t you just hate that?!  When you think of this cool alias/name and the system generates alternatives because someone else has 32B Blog?  The audacity of that chick! So I usually comment with my government name on other folks’ blogs so I don’t offend someone.  One azzhole asked, “what exactly does 32B mean?” …I guess he was hoping for an answer other than the obvious.  Obviously nothing I do is too obvious.

February 3, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Fresh Eyes

I have an hour before I get to leave work and go home. My eyes are tired and I know this because I keep catching mistakes on a report I did last month so, to prevent another “what the hell was I doing” moment with myself….I am taking an Eye break.  Fresh eyes are always needed when you star too hard at numbers for long periods of time….eventually they seem to run together or look the same.  I have a few random thoughts today:

I’m sitting in my little cubicle next to my supervisor when I get a little window from Outlook…I have a new email.  I glance at it to see if I wanna read it now or later.  I read “Denisha, you will be doing training for (company’s name)….” I clicked the lil box which opened the email and my heart started beating like crazy.  A one day training in Schaumburg, IL for a new client of my dept.  I’m nervous as hell!  My sup said I can take a veteran guy from our company with me but, as she said it, she sighed really loudly as if to mean “if you really feel you need help or someone to hold your hand” so I read between the lines.  I have to go solo.  No one asked me if I wanted to go solo.  She emailed my manager, he replied back “I agree with Denisha going”, and I was the last to know.  Great!  Some time next month I will do training #1 and #2 eventually which my sup kinda slipped on in the convo.  Public speaking is not my thing.  I like to talk but in front of people about something they have no clue on and I am supposed to be the “expert”…nope!  It should be easy if they don’t know anything anyways, right?  Well, it’s not.  I’m just freaking out.  I’ll be fine.  I’ll prepare beforehand and make sure I can set the training crap up (lord knows I know nothing about setting up technology anything) and I’ll give it my all.  I hope I don’t pass out.

I printed off 2 forms I need for my taxes since my childcare provider would prefer I not claim the thousands I paid her for 2009 but she has clearly fell and bumped her head on something.  She doesn’t have an EIN# and she refuses to give me her SS# so the IRS told me how to file for my credit(s) and still cover my butt just in case.  It’s something called Due Diligence but the forms are needed so I gotta get that done.  I usually do my own taxes but I’m not sure if I will this year since I have additional paperwork that is new to me….don’t wanna mess things up for myself.  Also, I need to file because I married an azzhole who may try to claim one of the kids for his tax purposes.  Per our divorce documents, he can only claim one of the kids if he is current on his child support.  If he is behind for whatever reason (which he is since he quit his job for p*ssy over the summer), I have the legal right to claim both.  If he claims one behind my back, I have to take him to court so the judge will legally force him to pay the money back to me along with my attorney fees.  See how irritating this can get?  No one has any idea the ball of shyt I married….all they care about is seeing my family back together again.  Walk in my shoes first and then you can suggest how I wear them.  I don’t get frustrated anymore although I used to.  I just let people have their own opinions, think I am going to hell, blah blah blah, and smile as I walk away.  So, tomorrow I shall file (I really have to make time actually) my taxes so I don’t give him time to exercise his potential to be an azz.

I made a meatloaf last night and it did not fall apart 🙂 this is my 3rd time in my life trying to make it.  This time I used eggs cause I don’t remember if I used any the last 2 times.  Anywho, my oldest ate it like he hadn’t eaten in years!  That boy has a tapeworm or something.  I think I cook enough just to find out I have nothing for leftovers.  Counterproductive if my goal is to cook enough for several days as opposed to one.

Church.  I try not to complain or let anything bother me so I have something to complain about but I just have small annoyances.  The guy I mentioned earlier who is married gave me this big smile and opened his arms to hug me.  I suddenly found my 4 yo very interesting as I walked on by pretending I hadn’t noticed his arms.  One lady told my oldest I need to have him in Sunday School.  My initial thought, “is she coming to pick you up?!”   My next thought, “she need Jenny Craig but you don’t see me putting my nose where it don’t belong”.  My kids should go to Sunday school.  I would even say they need to go to Sunday school.  That comment just irritated me a tad bit because she could have said something to me instead of to my son but it’s cool….I’ll act like I didn’t hear it.  But, if I do take them, what will I do for that hour??  Adult classes are boring. 

I haven’t ran in 2 weeks but the weird thing is that I’m losing weight.  When I do run regularly I end up gaining weight.  Really strange!  It’s warm enough outside but I don’t feel like dodging patches of ice still on the ground AND my work schedule for this week and next is cutting into my work from home days (aka running afternoons).  This week, I only have 1 work from home day but my 4 yo is out of school that day too so I will have him home with me.  Next week, we have auditors coming in which means we have to be in the office that whole week but I have Friday off to go to Indy for the weekend.  You see?  I won’t be able to run til February 😦 I’m losing what fitness level I have gained but it’s cool.  I’m Bunny…I will bounce back.  Ok, back to work and happy MLK day!! Hasta luego amigos!!

January 18, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sleeping Peacefully

Sleep__Baby__Sleep_by_AmatorkaI am a people pleaser. I do it so much that I forget I’m doing it and some people think I’m lying when I say I’m a people person probably because I seem so rude and vocal but that’s usually when people have made me wanna pull their hair out (not my own) that I’m losing patience.  As soon as I want to make a decision, I hesitant because I ask “what will he/she think?  how will it influence them?  how will it make me look?” when I honestly care but know I shouldn’t care that much when I’m putting my needs after theirs.  But, if you admit to doing that, you are being selfish.  If you think about your own sanity first then you aren’t being of service to those who do or may need you whether that need is assumed or not.  I have been working on cleaning some things up but it seems to be taking a long time only because I’m trying to make sure I’m making the right decision.  I step down from my Prayer Ministry a few weeks ago which I already blogged about.  I have yet to finish typing up and turn in the minutes from our meetings thus far as well as the book from our ministry library.  I will do that this upcoming weekend.  People from the church still call me and some have no idea where I’ve gone.  The good thing is that I have peace and sleep at night.

Lately, I’ve still been running but not as much because I think I was running too many miles in one week.  I was losing weight when my original goal was to trim my waistline so now I run once or twice a week.  If I run once a week then it’s my long run of 8.5 miles.  If it’s more than once a week then I might do a couple 3 miles runs instead.  I took the kids to Legoland this weekend and they had a lot of fun.  We spent about 2 hours there and it felt like we’d been there for 5 hours!  I was so ready to go but they were acting like we’d just walked in the door 30 minutes ago.  This weekend is Step Afrika….I haven’t gotten tickets yet cause I’m not sure which day I wanna take them but I am sure they will still have tickets by Tuesday of this week.  Still doing my family tree but I’m at a standstill since I have no information, my family has no information, and they have no real memory of anything.  So, I think I may have to call the Mississippi Records Dept to see what they have instead.  I have been spending time teaching myself about various investments starting with different terms, different investment vehicles, fundamentals behind assessing a company, ratios, how to understand what numbers are telling you when it comes to reading a company’s balance sheet/income statement/cash flow, and paying attention to the overall company itself.  The guy I mentioned a couple posts ago gave me money to invest so I bought 4 shares of GIVN which I have been watching for a while now.  It’s only 4 shares but it’s a lot to me so I watch that every day, follow the highs and lows of the market fluctuation, compare other companies by industry, and am learning buckets by actually doing it as well.  My friend is interested in stock options namely Apple but he hasn’t made an effort to learn, to take the time to read anything, or follow the companies to compute their ratios.  I don’t know. 

Dating.  I give up.  It’s not defeating and it’s not too much work….I just don’t feel like it sometimes and I haven’t met anyone worthwhile in a long time.  There Mr. Hershey from the train who leaves me tongue-tied every time I see him and the guy from the last paragraph but, other than that, nothing to report.  I still have a tutorial to finish about stock options which has a quiz at the end to complete.  I wanna finish watching my movie and then get in the bed.  I seem to be writing more lately….must be the weather getting cooler cause there’s been nothing interesting going on lately at all.  I am getting child support now which means I can work on my savings a little bit more which brings me to Christmas shopping.  I have a tribe of sisters and one brother but my mom seems to think I’m cheap when I suggested a Secret Santa.  First off, you lucky if you get anything from me at all esp when I have my own kids.  Secondly, only poor folks spend half their monthly income on Christmas gifts and I know my mom…..she buys in anticipation.  She will give you a list of what she wants and expect exactly that just for you to show up with some crap you didn’t ask for and don’t want at all!  Ungrateful?  No, but if you gon’ get all bytchy about gifts then can I have something I actually want too?!  Currently in bankruptcy court but wanna spend every single dime on gifts…this is why youth don’t know anything about money management skills.  They spend all their lives seeing their parents live check to check, go broke for the holidays, and then get mad the government ain’t giving them enough.  Makes me wanna side with the Republicans on a lot of things esp when they know the cycle but could care less about ending it. 

I like the direction of my life right now and I like the people I’ve removed from my life in some way.  If I can sleep peacefully at night then that is all that matters to me.  Some have gotten mad about it and more will in time but I could care less.  For all the things I wanna learn, I don’t think there’s enough time in the day to get them all in.  This investment stuff alone is a huge chunk of it as it should because you’d be gambling instead of investing if you put your money somewhere without doing your homework.  Til then, I have been reading some interesting blogs about other people’s lives and how they view the world.  I’ve met some psychos on the internet.  I’ve blocked some people and had to sever some dear ties.  Some people I honestly wish I was able to talk to more often rather than via chat mediums and others I wish I could actually see as often as we talk.  But you can’t have things your way all the time although I try my best to convince others I am indeed entitled to it in some way 🙂

November 15, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , | 1 Comment

La Negra Bunny

Halloween_Me_08_by_Oriana_X_MystI have absolutely nothing to write about which means I’ll find some way to type 5 paragraphs of stuff anyways.  So, I know people probably could care less about me running but I have my 2nd 5K race this Sunday….yes, Sunday.  Usually they are on Saturdays but I guess.  This is the Bucktown 5K and I am set to pick up my race day packet tomorrow so I’m getting really excited.  The field for this race is hella fast so the only thing I’ll be posting about is a PR (hopefully) and free stuff I got.  Last year the winning time for women was 18 min something.  Yep, I’m soooooo not there yet.  When I was 18 yo I was….11 yrs later, I’m getting there again.  I was looking for sitters so I can have a couple just in case because running, personal things, sorority events, etc require a no-kids allowed attendance so I need reliable childcare on the weekends.  I found a good 10 people all charging $10-$14/hr for both but my sister is watching them this weekend for a smaller fee.  Getting to know someone in such a short time frame is kinda nervous to me so I’ll still look into getting a weekend sitter.  Right, the sis is watching them from Saturday afternoon til Sunday afternoon for a small fee.  Family should do stuff for free but family should do a lot of things so I’ma shut up and feel comfortable knowing D.J. are with family for 12 hours so I have freedom.

Gifts.  I have to buy gifts galore.  My cousin’s baby shower is this Saturday but she’s registered which reduces the amount of thinking involved.  My uncles wedding was this summer which I missed but I promised him a wedding gift.  Next weekend, D.J. is going to a birthday slumber party for the weekend and she’s a girl.  I was told she likes Hannah Montana or High School Musical so that should be easy.  My sis’ birthday is at the end of Oct but she has already requested gift cards from anywhere….I pick the denomination so she might get a $10 card to McDs.  I need to have an event of my own so I can get gifts and with Christmas around the corner the only people getting anything is D.J.  Maybe a card here or there. 

My ex found a job.  Finally.  Had to go back to Indy to get it but whatever.  He was telling me about the job, what he’ll be doing, where the job is, and all that crap but what I really wanted to know is when can I expect child support.  It’s great things are back on track for you but when will I see a check?  When can I stop paying expensive daycare on my own?  When can I use your money for something?  He said he’ll talk to HR and get things set-up (I’ll be checking on that myself) and he said he appreciates me being patient with him (whatever). 

Umm, I think that’s really it.  I ran yesterday although I had hella work to get done by end of the month today but I went anyways knowing that 4 days without running is not good for my poor legs.  I felt so lovely!  That race last week really boost my stamina so I coasted thru my 6.5 miles and finished 3 mins faster than I normally do without feeling like I exerted any extra energy.  I listen to my iPod while I run but I keep it on a low setting….this does not stop people from talking to me.  They completely ignore the earbuds in my ear, actually wanna hold a conversation yelling out questions and stuff, and one guy rode along side me on his bike asking if I was single.  In broad daylight along a busy street….people are ridiculous!  They act like it’s a phenomenon and I never see the white people running getting bothered.  So, I need my hair done like yesterday.  It’s growing way too much but I won’t chop if off again….I’ll let it be.  Will I be able to fit in a hair appt this weekend?  Nope.  Gotta take the kids to the barber shop, my sis will pick them up sat morn, get dressed and go to baby shower, get home and do as much of nothing as possible, get up early sun morn and run 3 miles, eat free smoothies and other stuff, hop back on the bus and go back home, do as much of nothing as possible, and await the arrival of D.J.  I think I have it perfectly planned.  Did I mention I’m getting flowers? lol yellow ones again.  Now, all I gotta do is run as close to a 24:01 as I possibly can and this will be an awesome weekend 🙂  Profile pic….that’s me minus the decreased levels of pigmentation lol

September 30, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Next Move

Chess_by_spiderson5000Last week during lunch, I sat down to play a game called Quarto with a co-worker of mine.  I’ve never heard of this game so she had to teach me how to play but, in my mind, I’m thinking “give me enough time to grasp it and I’ll beat you missy!”  Well, I forgot where I work (lol).  She’s a computer programmer which I only have a little knowledge of what she does on a day-to-day basis but I found out she is a whiz at strategic anything.  This game is similar to chess except you make a move considering the characteristics of the pieces as opposed to the moves of the pieces.  Once a piece is placed on the checkered board it’s not pick up again.  Light, dark, tall, short, square, round, flat top, hole’d top….get four piece with four similar characterists in a row and you win BUT you spend most of your time planning the next 2 or 3 steps to prevent your opponent from having somewhere to place their piece because, as they say in sports, defense wins games.  Oh, I forgot to mention….you choose the piece for your opponent each time so you strategize to leave the other person with no way to win but enable them to set up your victory.  Get it?  My brain literally started to hurt after 4 rounds but I won 2 and she won 2.  Not bad for a novice 🙂

Anywho, strategy has to do with my career.  I have been dragging my feet about MBA or CTP certification….I’ve decided on MBA so I’m still studying and will prb be studying til I’m old and gray if I don’t get serious but I’m glad I dragged my feet because my company is looking for a buyer.  The company I work for is a family business with the ex-wife as CEO (break your own glass ceiling) and her ex-husband as Chairman.  They are selling and have been since I was hired on but now I think they’re getting closer to some good deals and negotiations.  Our fear (employees) is that we will lose our jobs when the company is sold but, knowing the learning curve required, some of us will have a good 6 months at least before anyone is even half way capable of taking over one of our positions.  So, that being said, during our company meeting yesterday our Chairman replied to a question I had from the last meeting about internal advancements….he said there aren’t many rungs on this ladder when the total number of employees is about 30 so you’re pretty much limited to excessively honing your skills and hoping  a bigwig retires.  Positive spin on things: our buyer will be a big company looking to add Account Analysis to their repertoire which means it will open up more positions for those of us needing to branch out eventually.  That’s obviously a good thing for me so I’m feeling confident that I waited to kick in this GMAT studying again which gives me some time to take the exam, see when we will get bought (if within the next 12 mths), and the tuition reimbursement options avail to me at that time because I ain’t tryna pay for school. 

In the meantime, I have been focusing on the math portion which has been a relief because I absolutely suck at arithmetic (percentages, decimals, and factions) but I excel at algebra & geometry.  Haven’t gotten to word problems and data sufficiency but I’m sure I’ll wanna blow my book up when I get to the latter of the two.  I’m thinking that if I master math which is easier for me to comprehend then it will raise my overall score when I struggle with reading passages and asking questions about what the author was trying to infer…..who really gives 0.5 shyts?!  I’m constantly trying to figure out how the company is doing which is difficult because the bottom of the totem pole gets hardly any information but they are making an effort to add more company social times either after work or during work with one coming up involving an open bar and bowling.  I’m all for the open bar ($$$) and bowling…together is prb not a good combination though.  Um, FDIC fees (which I’m sure no cares about) are increasing because one of the T*#P programs has been extended from 12/09 thru 2010 so that means more fees required from banks to stay in the program and, since banks pass those fees on to their corporate acct holders, we have the task of making sure no client is being taken to the cleaners by clever banking calculations.  My point is possibly increasing sales going into next yr because corps will be freakin out about this massive fees…good thing for us when this yr saw decreased sells.  Decreased sells led to 2 layoffs.  Increasing sells mean we at least keep our jobs.  Stability buys me time to study and get accepted into a good business school by next Summer ’10 and see what happens with the overall company standing at that time.

New client for my dept so there’s a training coming up in Los Angeles.  My sup said I should be able to go but we have to share a hotel room this time (clearly we’ve gotten spoiled) and the next training I have to go solo.  She’s clipping my wings….cutting the cord…taking the titty out my mouth….I’m nervous as hell!!  I swear she analyzes everything that she makes me seem like a novice for sure so, to hone my skills, I feel like my monthly work load hasn’t increased but gotten complicated….she even told me to think for myself & she said it with a smile as I turned around forced to use my own brain.  My manager asked a Support question from a customer just to see what our response and options for her would be.  I uttered “I don’t know” on one part and he said “an expert never utters those words” so I tucked in my tail and submitted my answer again….I nailed it!  I have my first 5K race this weekend in two yrs.  I know I’ll beat my last time of 28 mins but I’m praying I beat my weekly run time of 25 mins.  I have another 5K race the week after that and then one four weeks later in November.  The goodies bags are unbelievable!  A running bag, running gloves, a running jacket, a running aluminum water canister, a running hat, a t-shirt, and let’s not forget the post-race food!  The November race is Hot Chocolate 5K so there will be hot chocolate and other chocolate goodies.  Burn off the calories and put them back on in no time.  My goal: make it through a Chi winter without losing any ground so I can do bigger things come next Spring and I should be cool with all the gear I’m getting.  Still not getting child support, still drowning in my own peaceful surroundings so it’s excellent, still trying to make good moves to position myself for further career growth, still tryna get a position in D.C., still tryna be a good mommy, and still tryna be a good girl all around so God will keep some doors open for me 🙂

September 24, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday Headache

headache_by_stuhIt’s been one of those days and I have about 1.5 hours to go.  I have account analysis work to do which is normally done by the endof the month but it won’t be done by the end of business today because I also have been taking support calls since our main Support guy is out on PTO today so, since Support is one of my job descriptions, I have to do both which is aggravating cause some people are just plain stupid.  I understand if you don’t get something over the phone…I can barely get anything over the phone either so I tell people to send me a screen shot of whatever the error msg is or what they see so I can at least go there and try to duplicate what the hell they are talking about.  Then I reply via email with clear and concise user friendly instructions on how to correct the situation and they don’t understand what I’m talking about.  But this all happens as soon as I get back into  my account analysis only to be pulled away by support calls and emails and, on top of that, someone needs a new password so I gotta stop and do that for about 3 minutes of my time here.   Great.  I am on my 2nd large cup of tea which the doctor told me to limit caffeine but, like I said earlier, it’s been one of those days….I’ll run it off tomorrow early morning so I should be cool. 

My landlord is selling the building or attempting to which doesn’t affect me but she has to show my apt every now and then which sucks for this weekend because I got the kids back and now my regular normal looking apt is a hot azz mess with 3 small suitcases full of clothes, underwear, shoes, and papers about I don’t know what.  I got home, charged my iPod, go dressed to run, spend a good hour running til I was dang near bored about to fall asleep mid-stride, got back home glad I had actually finished my run at conversational pace which means I can actually cover that distance in less time, ate, drank, and looked at the mess before me knowing these ppl are supposed to come see my apt tomorrow about 11am.  I cleaned the kids stuff up, put away what had to be enough clothes for 4 boys instead of 2, made a Salvation Army pile, cleaned their room up, picked up shoes & other crap on the floor, and fell asleep not caring anymore.  My apt looks the way it’s gonna look forever…lived in.  Not messy.  Just lived in.  It’s not a model apt dammit….people actually live here.  So, my landlord calls me while I’m at work, I return her call and leave my work #, she calls my work # but it doesn’t take her to voicemail for some reason, I call her back from work for her to tell me I called her private which is why she didn’t answer, I tell her my phone doesn’t have an automatic private setting so that’s impossible and it must be on her end, she says it’s on my end, and I’m thinking “bytch what the phuck do you want? get to the reason for the call!!”  She tells me the people came by and, hope I’m not mad but, she washed my dishes for me.  I was instantly ticked….then I got over it eventually and wondered if she’d bring her butt upstairs to wash my dishes for now on.  I swear…..mommy mode is not wassup!  I didn’t think about the freaking kitchen.  Oh well.  She washed my dishes.  Cleanin up behind me for strangers.  Whatever.

I came into work early Friday, early today, and I’m still behind on work but I’m sure my clients won’t mind too much esp since we got a new version of our software and….guess what….it ain’t working too well.  It’s Vista all over again.  My pet peeve, when ppl say “we haven’t had a new version of this software in yrs” so they go ahead and release one without adequate QA so now since it’s released to all the clients instead of a select few and we (employees) find errors whether big or small it seems unprofessional and sloppy.  I suggested more QA at our last “free lunch meeting” but…nope, they ignored it.  They said I got the most points for best ideas but actually listen to me?!  That’s absurd!  I think everyone should do as I say….EVERYONE!  But, it’s not my company….I just work here.  I have a 20% investment in the company stock….not sure how much that is until it’s time for payouts so based on that is how much I will eventually care.  Ya dig?

What else?  The guy I’m dating cried Saturday.  I saw him for a split second Saturday, I left to go stand on my corner (lol) and wait for my transportation (the bus) when I saw him walk outside.  I started playing Tetris on my phone when he walked up to me and said, “want me to take you home?”  I said, “yeah” and while walking to the car he asked if I was still mad at him….I said I was never mad.  We got in his car and he had this serious look on his face.  I ask him what’s wrong….he say’s “I’ll tell you in a second”…he leaves the parking lot and rounds the corner and, me being me, I say “it’s been a second”.  He is still quiet, then his eyes begin to water, I touch his arm and ask what’s wrong.  A tear falls from his eyes but this fool is still driving.  I tell him to pull over.  I then add some bass to my voice and tell him to pull over again…he does (must have been the bass I added).  He tells me his sister had just called when I walked in to tell him his childhood friend had gotten shot and killed the night before and he just needed to leave and clear his head.  I let him sit for a good 30 mins and reminisce about him and his friend growing up.  He told me story after story, he started to smile and then laugh, he forgot about crying although he was still sad, and he looked at me for the longest time when he got quiet.  You know how someone looks at you and you turn around thinking they are looking at someone behind you or they are looking right into your soul straight through your eyeballs so you look away uneasy?  I asked “what?!”  and he said “nothing”….he has done that before.  He looks like he wanna say something but he doesn’t so I just leave it alone.

August 31, 2009 Posted by | Life | , , , | Leave a comment