32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Sometimes I

420042958xbvkiw_fsSometimes I wish I was not so emotional.  Sometimes I wish I was not so sensitive.  Sometimes I wish I was cold hearted.  Sometimes I wish I could hate but I have not learned to.  Sometimes I wish I could stop loving but I have not learned to.  Sometimes I think I can go on forever.  Sometimes I think I think too much about absolutely nothing.  Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I kept me to myself.   Sometimes I wish life was a tad bit easier.  Sometimes I wish I did not have to see sorrow.  Sometimes I wish depression did not exist.  Sometimes I wish suffering took place only in the movies.  Sometimes I wish I could take it all away from everyone.  Sometimes I just want to stop and catch my breathe.  Sometimes I wanna stay on vacation and turn my vacation into my reality.  Sometimes I wish I lived in paradise and vacationed in misery just to remind me of how great I have it.  Sometimes I wish I was born into another family.  Sometimes I wish I had stayed in Indianapolis.  Sometimes I want to go back to Indianapolis.  Sometimes I get comfortable with what is familiar and fearful of what is strange.  Sometimes I wish I could sleep all day.  Sometimes I wish I could sleep my life away.  Sometimes I think I am on the verge of making sense and then it slips from my grasp.  Sometimes I wish I was understood more so than I am misunderstood.  Sometimes I wish I was just as expressive verbally as I am writtenly.  Sometimes I like to make up my own words. 

Sometimes I wish I could see love and lynch that bastard.  Sometimes I wish I could see death and lynch that bastard.  Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of life is.  Sometimes I wonder if I am on the right path at all.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell a blog is for.  Sometimes I just write stuff just to say I write stuff.  Sometimes I cry when someone else cries.  Sometimes I hurt when someone else hurts.   Sometimes I wish I understood the Bible.  Sometimes I wish there was a current version that applies to this year with clear unambigious instructions from Him.  Sometimes I feel the Bible is pointless.  Sometimes I wonder if I should read it.  Sometimes I open it just to stare at the words.  Sometimes I read it without knowing it.  Sometimes I know where things are in it without having read that section yet.  Sometimes I wanna actually meet Jesus.  Sometimes I imagine what I would say if he just materialized before me.  Sometimes I wonder if he will indeed have holes in his hands and side.  Sometimes I think he better have holes in his hands and side or I would have lived a lie.   Sometimes I wonder what he will say to me.  Sometimes I wonder if he will understand me.  Sometimes I wish I was sent here with a known mission like he was.  Sometimes I am envious of Jesus.  Sometimes I think it would be easier knowing how, why, and when I will die than living and falling into death’s arms by accident never knowing what your mission was or if I accomplished it. 

Sometimes I laugh to myself at my own thoughts.  Sometimes I dance when I am home alone or with the kids.  Sometimes I feel my age and sometimes I feel like a little kid.  Sometimes I sing loud and off key and off beat but I sing anyways.  Sometimes I enjoy my own company more than the company of others.  Sometimes I run just to clear my head.  Sometimes I do pilates just to feel my heart rate increase.  Sometimes I fall over trying to do a pilates stance and look around like someone saw me before I laugh at myself.  Sometimes I talk to someone when I am alone but no one is there.  Sometimes I wish my alone moments lasted forever.  Sometimes I want my alone moments to last forever.  Sometimes I think my alone moments last forever.  Sometimes I get alone with myself when I feel I have lost myself and need to get back in tune with myself.  Sometimes I do not wanna share me with others.  Sometimes I think I am normal and everyone else is severely and tragically abnormal.  Sometimes I think more people should introduce themselves to themselves.

Sometimes I wish people would stop saying how young I look.  Sometimes I wish I was just a tad bit taller.  Sometimes I wish I did not have stretch marks.  Sometimes I am glad I have stretch marks or else I would be walking around half naked more times than not.  Sometimes I want a tummy tuck.  Sometimes I want a breast lift.  Sometimes I want someone else’s body.  Sometimes I feel content with my own body.  Sometimes I want my six pack abs back.  Sometimes I know if I ran like I used to I would have my six pack abs back.  Sometimes I wish my butt was bigger.  Sometimes I wish I had a J.Lo booty.  Sometimes I wish I had Halle Berry breast.  Sometimes I wish I had Gabrielle Union skin.  Sometimes I wish I had Beyonce’s smile.  Sometimes I wish I had their body parts but definitely not their life.  Sometimes I think I have the best body God has ever made.  Sometimes I am reminded of that when I see someone who has the same number or less kids than I and too many X’s on their clothing tags.  Sometimes I get self conscious like everyone else.  Sometimes I forget I am human.

Sometimes the compliments mean nothing to me.  Sometimes I think this world is too superficial.  Sometimes I feel pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, and cute are so overused and misused that they lose their meaning.  Sometimes I wish we focused on real beauty.  Sometimes I think I see real beauty but I am not sure so I keep it to myself.  Sometimes I think I have real beauty.  Sometimes I think I have natural beauty.  Sometimes I think I am a beauty.  Sometimes I carry myself like I created beauty.  Sometimes I wait for beauty to come.  Sometimes I go after beauty.  Sometimes I feel I add beauty to life itself.  Sometimes I think I add beauty to life itself.  Sometimes I know I add beauty to life itself.  Sometimes I am struck with fear because I do not think I have truly tapped into the beauty I possess.  Sometimes I want to color the world with beauty where your soul dances, your face smiles, your eyes dry, your mind forgets, your heart leaps, your feet move, your hands clap, and your mouth is too busy producing laughter to deal with groans.  Sometimes I wish I could give myself to color the world with beauty.  Sometimes I want to give myself to color the world with beauty.  Sometimes I hope my words figuratively color someone’s world with beauty if only for a moment and then I can honestly say that I do indeed have the power to create beauty, show beauty, possess beauty, and introduce beauty to those who have seen ugly for so long that they do not remember or know what beauty is.  Sometimes but not all the time yet never none of the time.

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February 23, 2009 Posted by | Me | , , , | 2 Comments

Mr Beautiful

blackman1His first compliment to me was not that I was beautiful but that I was gorgeous

Actually, his first compliment was also his first words to me at all

We had never spoken unless this is the time my memory fails me

But he referred to me as gorgeous and I to him as handsome for he is

Handsome not because I knew him

Handsome not because we were close

Handsome only because that is the image I saw in his pictures

Then, one day, I did not see him as just handsome

One day I could not use that word to fully describe him at all

From then on I referred to him as I myself now see him

And that is as beautiful

One day he took my hand and we walked behind the pictures

One day he took my hand and he opened up to me

One day he took my hand and we sat and laughed all night

One day he took my hand and placed in on his heart

And one day I took my heart and placed it in his hand

What I got to see of him is what so few get to see at all

He introduced me to the real person behind the pictures

He introduced me to the beauty of his soul

He introduced me to the beauty of his spirit

It all started with a compliment

In the end I found my complement

Two kindred spirits one enclosed in beauty

February 14, 2009 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Copycat Me

 Each morning of every day I awake to a different me

Which one will I be today I wonder

Whose style will I copycat

The magazines tell me this color is in season

As well as this design and this makeup

So I do as they say and I do as they do

And that is who I am each day

Each morning of every day I awake to a different me

Wondering who or what I will copycat

To make the final me

But at the end of the day I am not pleased

With who I have become

In the end it is not me you see

But the carbon copy of someone I was told to be

Why must I wear this color this month

Or wear my hair this way

Why must I wear the design this way

Or put on my makeup this way

Smoky eye and a nude lip

Long locks with a hint of color

Fabric of bold colors and prints

And purple is the chosen color

From head to toe I look like them

Without an ounce of me

From head to toe I dress like them

Without an expression of me

Then one morning I decided to wear myself

For all the world to see

I washed off the smoky eye

And wiped clean the nude lip

In its place was my bare eye

And my naturally pinkish lip

I unglued all my extensions

And grew out the color of my strands

In its place was a short tapered cut

And my dark brownish strands

I donated all the bold clothing

Along with the colorful prints

In its place was my earth tone wardrobe

And the subtle colored accessories

I kept all the purple because it is my favorite color

But with it I added some taupe and greens

Which, against my mocha skin tone,

Simply accentuates all of me

Now here I stand before the world

With not a single thing copied from anyone

Ask me what is in fashion

And I will tell you it is me

From my bare face

Then my bare lips

To my classic dress

Up to my short hair

I feel beautiful in my own style

I feel confident in my own skin

I feel free in my own world

Where I govern how I present me

So I no longer copycat others

Now they copycat me

January 15, 2009 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , | Leave a comment