32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Say Hello To My Little Friend!

Beautiful night.  Gorgeous even.  Warmth in the air sans the sun.  Cold water on our feet and sand between our toes.  People and couples walking by and sitting out enjoying the late night.  It must be almost 2am.  If not, close to it.  Me being me, I wonder how I can extend this evening.  This night.  This date.  Maybe I can sleep over.  In his arms.  It was worth a try although, from past experience, rejection was a usual result.  I turn to him to ask if that would be ok.  No, not tonight.  I frown in disappointment as I ask “why”.  His room is a mess.  There is no privacy.  The walls are paper-thin.  You can hear everything.  I asked how loudly or private must the room be to sleep.  It is not sleep he anticipates.  I correct him.  He still says “no”.  I boil with frustration.  File this as rejection #235,121 in our chart as I walk around and ask him to take me home.  Questions from him: “Why? What’s wrong?  Why can’t you wait?”  All legitimate questions but not at this point.  At this point, they are all silly questions which pisses me off even more but I can’t say that.  I cannot say I am tired, frustrated, ready to cry, ready to scream, or 2 minutes from wanting to punch something or somebody in anger.  Instead, I repeat that I just want to go home.  In the car, I ask again….calmer than I was before and wearing my hat of “Understanding”.  I was told that an open mind and desire to compromise nicks arguments in the bud even the same ones you have over and over and over again.  No one ever mentions how the other person must do the same or meet you halfway.  Same answer to my question.

I admit, I want my way at times.  Usually, when something does not make sense or I cannot stretch my mind to wrap it around a concept/thought/action/accusation I grow increasingly frustrated to the point where I need to distance myself from the matter.  At this point, I asked him to pull over.  He did.  I opened the door, grabbed my purse, and got out of his car.  I was standing on the sidewalk in front of a park downtown.  I know this park.  Not sure the name of it but I know it.  I begin to walk.  Hard.  I throw my purse over my shoulder, I begin to talk to myself, I run my fingers through my hair, I exhale loudly, and I wanna to kick myself for putting myself in this situation.  I hear him behind me.  He has left his car too.  He asks me to get back into the car.  I refuse.  I need to be alone.  I’ll be fine.  I can call or catch a cab.  He says it’s dangerous out here.  No, what is dangerous is my anger level so leave me alone before I blow a valve although that is humanly impossible – allegedly.  I tell him this.  Not in anger at him but to be left alone.  It is not him I am mad at.  I am mad at myself.  Well, I was only mad at myself until I feel him grab me.

I turn to look at him like he is crazy.  I pull my arm from his grasp and continue walking.  He grabs my arm again harder this time and I cannot pull it free.  I tell him to let me go.  He tells me to get in the car.  I try to scream but, honestly, I’m not a screamer although that sounds stupid to say.  I yank my arm around unsuccessfully.  His fingers are hurting me.  Digging into my arm.  I dig my nails into his arm and tell him to let me go.  He says he is not leaving me out here.  I am fine!  I do not want to go with you!  He pulls me towards the car.  Little woman I am, I cannot stop my body from moving towards his car.  I instantly become dead weight letting my body fall towards the ground.  He tries to pull me up.  I tell him to stop.  He finally picks me up over his head my body in the air over his shoulder.  I grab my purse, unzip it, reach in, and pull out my corkscrew-type weapon I carry with me.  He sees it and places my feet back on the ground.  I yank my arm away this time successfully.  “Leave me alone”, I tell him this again.  All he says is, “you are going to stab me?”  “I just want to be left alone”, I repeat.  “I cannot believe you would stab me!” he says.  Is he even listening to me?  Does he even hear me?  I place some distance between us keeping the corkscrew in my hand at my side never holding it between us or in any way that would seem like I would use it if necessary.  My goal was for him to know I was serious, to stop grabbing me, get your hands off me, and put me down. 

He got the message.  He walked back to his car.  He drove away.  I exhaled.  I sat down in the park for what seemed like 30-40 minutes just thinking and calming myself down.  What the hell just happened?  I didn’t care.  It was early in the morning and our wonderful evening was a memory.  Days later, he breaks up with me.  His friend said the corkscrew was a red flag.  That I may have a history of domestic violence.  His friend wondered what if it had been a gun.  His friend said I should never have gotten that angry to pull it out.  His friend said no one should ever get that upset.  His friend said had the tables been turned and a man showed signs he was going to hit me, I would be gone asap.  His friend said a lot of things including “you should date other people” so that is when he said “we should just be friends”.  Did anyone catch the reason why I pulled out the corkscrew?  Did his friend even get the complete story?  Am I really being labeled a violent psycho chick?  Was he serious when he said he was afraid for his life?  When does a man show a “sign” that he might hit you?  Is there ever a sign?  From my personal experience, a sign is the actual action.  He either hits you or he does not.  He either swings or he does not.  Every story has 2 sides, maybe more depending on the number of parties involved.  There are several “bad things” about this one but the irony lies in the fact that he suggested I carry something and not be afraid to use it since I am petite and easy to overpower.  Forcibly trying to get me into the car – that part was overlooked or untold.  Crazy chick with a pointy object in her hand – that part was expounded upon.  He told his story.  This is my story.

July 22, 2010 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Slow Like Molasses

angerSometimes, me being me, I like to know of someone in the Bible who has gone through a situation that I am going through for guidance or to feel like I am not alone.  The one thing I rarely experience but, when I do, it’s pretty bad is anger.  Of all the times I have been outright angry and not simply impatiently annoyed (I confuse the two sometimes) were with people I would give me a limb for.  You shouldn’t expect perfection so I don’t (anymore) but to expect venom from a dove is just not something I anticipated and it’s not natural so you can imagine how taken aback I was.   Talking to a soror one night, she told me that there were several people in the Bible who got angry for various reasons or simply at people who had turned their backs on them or who they were sent to lead.

My response was this, “I don’t care about those people.  They got upset….whoopdy freakin doo!  I wanna know if Jesus ever got mad at people before?”  I know God got mad on a lot of occasions mainly in the Old Testament and when He got mad He got MAD!  I’m not tryna engulf someone with the ground or burn them alive…just minor stuff like pop an eye out or cut off a finger….ya’ know, simple torture until I feel better.  But when did Jesus did mad?  He came down, He spent time with these folks, He should understand how trying they are, show me when He lost His temper and just went off!  She mentioned when Jesus overturned the tables when the moneychangers were doing business in God’s house.  Ok, he turned over some tables….check!  Where is the other example?  She said that was it.  Seriously?  That is it?  In all his thirty something years here Jesus got mad once?

So, here are my amateur thoughts on the topic, Jesus only got mad when someone was disrespecting God.  We want to rant and scream and cuss folks out but just because we want to (or I want to) doesn’t mean we should.  The Bible still says to be slow to anger…where does it say that?  I can’t remember but it’s in there somewhere between Genesis and Revelations.  I am like molasses slow to anger with people close to me because, initially, my first reaction isn’t anger but hurt.  I feel the hurt first because the heart strings are present so I was emotionally close to them and then I feel the anger later on.  Does it take the anger away knowing Jesus only got mad when someone was dissing God?  No.  Does it make it easier to handle or deal with?  No.  Does it place things in perspective.  I wish I could say ‘yes’ but I’ma go with ‘no’ again.

I am human so I should be able to relate to Moses and those other folks who got down right pissed in the Bible but I don’t.  I am to model Jesus and not Moses.  I am a Christian and not a Mosian so I wanna know what Jesus did.  Simple answer since I can’t find another example in the Bible…..He didn’t get mad at all.  I have a ways to go before I get to that point since I said I am slow like molasses to getting angry which means I am steadily moving toward Angerville when a situation arises.  Be Christ like….on second thought, maybe Mosian ain’t really that bad.  Of course I am just kidding!

February 16, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , | Leave a comment

Visitor

  opendoor1

Satan stopped by to see me
He reminded me
He angered me
He irritated me
He got to me
I relived it
But I did not cry
I replayed it
But I did not write
I remembered it
But I did not fret

God stopped by to see me
He encouraged me
He motivated me
He inspired me
He held on to me
I relived it
And I did cry
I replayed it
And I did write
I remembered it
And I did fret

Satan stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So remain where I am

God stopped by to see me
He told me I am special
So much so that they would hate me
Despise me
Patronize me
Exclude me
So I must not remain where I am

Satan stopped by to see me
He pointed out all their flaws
He built my wall of distrust
With a foundation of anger
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where I was

God stopped by to see me
He pointed out all my flaws
He took a hammer to my walls
And a jackknife to my foundation
He helped me remain safe
By remaining where He was

Satan stopped by to see me
We laughed
We partied
We drank
We danced
He made me forget my pain
He taught me to live again

God stopped by to see me
We read
We talked
We sung
We danced
He made me acknowledge my pain
He showed me how to live again

Satan stopped by to see me
But God was still here
S told me to come out and play
G said I was busy today
S reminded me of that party
G told me I would be sorry
I turned to God in anger
And hit Him with my fist
You put me in this mess
Now you ask that I stay?!
God let me hit and He never moved
God let me vent and He never moved
God let me cry and He never moved
God let me tire and He never moved

Satan stood there laughing
Satan stood there watching
Satan stood there helping me
Punch God a little bit harder
God asked why I hit Him
Because you let them hit me
God asked why I yell at Him
Because you let them yell at me
God asked why I hurt Him
Because you let them hurt me
God asked why I had left Him
Because you let them leave me

God stepped closer to me
Then Satan stepped closer
Now they have hit you
Now they have yelled at you
Now they have hurt you
Now they have left you
Now…love them
I stepped back in shock
And fell right into Satan
Love them?!
Why me and not them?
Satan leans over near my ear
And whispers that God is crazy
That He has finally lost His mind
God snatches Satan from the room
And throws him from my mind

She told you what to do
But you decided to ignore her
She told you about the Fruit
Yet still you ignored her
Now I am standing here
Speaking to you myself
Take your mind off them
And quit focusing on “I”

God took my hand
And looked me in the eye
He said I know you hurt
I have seen when you have cried
I was there when you were alone
I told my angels to call your phone
But I knew their words didn’t matter
And neither did her many
I knew exactly what you needed
And it wasn’t even my presence
So I told you to go
When you really wanted to stay
I told you to stand
When you really wanted to sit
When you stood there in front
And you meet his eyes
And he held your hand
It was not just he
but it was also I
He looked you in your eyes
And welcomed you back home
And from then it no longer mattered
This little episode over a stupid phone
Like he said those were my footprints
You saw in the sand
I never once left you darling
I was always here holding your hand
Every tear that fell from your eyes
I caught each one in my hand
All the pain you felt inside
I took it and buried it in the sand

This type of love I am teaching you
Is nothing like the world demands
It requires every ounce of your strength
To love your foes as you do your friends
When you walked up there on your own
It really made me smile
A child may leave their father
But a Father never leaves His child
Satan stopped by to see me
I stopped by to see God

January 27, 2009 Posted by | My Writings | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment