32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Day 36

Today I am grateful for clarity.  I think I am depressed.  You wanna know why I think that?  Because it’s Tuesday and I haven’t showered since Sunday when I learned my grandmother has passed away.  My body has not touched water since Sunday morning but I have brushed my teeth.  I have eaten huge amounts of chocolate.  I have been sleeping a lot and waking up during the middle of the night and going back to sleep about 2am to start my day off completely exhausted.  I have not eaten any real food until I feel my stomach about to jump from my body unless I feed it something of substance.  And, I can’t seem to pull myself together to study for my midterm exam in the hardest class I have this semester.  This is not the time for this shit to happen but it is never the time for shit to happen; that’s life.  So, I sit here in my 2 day of literal funk not really caring about washing my ass because I am holding on to the only thing I can hold on to; signed The Control Freak.  I’ll pull through in my own time, I’m sure.  But, for now, I’m grateful for knowing how I am handling this which isn’t as bad as it could be but it isn’t as good as it can be either.  I’m also grateful for the formatting Braxton did for my grandmother’s voicemail which I placed on Facebook and for him understanding that I would really like to be left alone…I haven’t answered my phone lately unless it’s related to the kids.




March 6, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 35

Today, I am grateful for Pulaski’s Day because I used this holiday where Chicago schools are out to stay home and just wallow in my funk.  I didn’t feel like doing anything, I didn’t feel like leaving the house, I did answer my phone and took work calls but that was a welcoming distraction from my personal life so I welcomed it.  I cooked for the kids so they had something to eat.  I didn’t go running today.  I didn’t shower today.  I brushed my teeth though; I think.  I fell asleep early and woke up about midnight, started watching Good Deeds (the new Tyler Perry movie), did a little internet surfing, and then went back to sleep.  I kinda sailed through the day where the most work I did was for work.  I didn’t study for my midterm this week today.  It’s a holiday and school was out so my kids went to Safari Land with the ICI.  I’m just grateful to still be here.

March 5, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | , , | Leave a comment

Day 34

Today, I am grateful for my little niece.  I went to finally see her for the first time since watching my sister, her mom, try to push her out; that was about 2 months ago.  I am grateful for my little niece because, before I left my apartment to go see her, I found out my last grandmother had passed.  I guess seeing this little bitty life form made me feel better or allowed me to subdue my grief and remember that life is not all about pain but also joy although I was feeling both simultaneously at that time.  Not sure exactly what happened but I cried off and on most of the day; once I start crying I can’t seem to shut that valve off.

March 4, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 33

Today, I am grateful for the truth.  Tonight, we had a Family Reunion Meeting.  Tonight, I learned a lot about my past, family members, and their treatment of those dearest to me that it hurts.  It makes me want to cry but I don’t because it’s water under the bridge or spilled milk; both stupid sayings that don’t remove the actually pain felt from either action.  When my maternal grandmother passed away, she cried a few days before because she wanted just one last wish before her death and a specific child(ren) refused her that.  Now, my paternal grandmother lies in a nursing home or rehabilitation center (I have no clue where) and people are fighting over what little money she does have.  It’s shameful!  To me, I wonder how someone can be so evil but then others might wonder how I can be the way I am at times.  I am angry, sad, and disgusted all at the same time.  Both are 2 sweet ladies who were fantastic grandmothers.  You see this shit on TV, in movies, on the pages of some book but in your own family? Twice?!  It’s crazy.  My one wish is to have her back to normal so I can have just one conversation with her just to tell her all those things people told her about me and my sisters were lies, that she should not trust even the people she gave birth to, and that I will take her to church.  Only one thing she wanted to do; go to church.  My grandma always went to church.  Monday thru Saturday were days she probably just winged it but Sunday she was there; always.  Until she couldn’t get to church.  I recall almost 2 years ago listening to her tell me over the phone how much she misses church and wish she could go to her church again.  The church we grew up listening to and the one I remember her taking me to when I was a little bitty girl.  That’s all she wanted but I don’t have a car and I don’t have the money to rent a car every weekend.  How is it possible to not do that?

Anywho, dinner tonight was eye-opening.  I am indeed naive because I want to believe the good about people.  I do not want to believe that children steal money from their ageing parents, threaten their siblings, and clear out deceased family member’s bank accounts before their ink is dry on the Death Certificate.  Some are Christian folks with “minister” in their title.  I swear God, I know you promised not to destroy the earth again but I truly think you should send Jesus back sooner rather than later so this world can officially and finally end.  This is not at all what I like to live, see, or hear happening down here so I am sure it horrifies you.  No, I’m not streaky clean.  But, the elderly?  Have a heart, please!  People kill babies without a care in the world.  People harm the defenseless and it’s cowardly.  Tonight, I saw how one bad, selfish, and evil decision decades ago has torn the family apart and how communication is still bad when it’s false communication built on lies.  Integrity, ethics, and honor; if not to anyone else in the world then at least to your parents.  My dad died about 8 years ago and I didn’t cry or attend his funeral because I was happy he was gone from this earth to face his judge since he lived as if he was above penalty or that God didn’t exist.  It sounds heartless but he never corrected his wrong here on earth, which he is honestly not required to, but I sure hoped he had with Him.  I miss my dad as I knew him and I wish he could have been that way forever but he wasn’t.  He was a great dad, to me.  I have fond memories of him; unfortunately, not everyone does.  My mom is still alive and well and I plan to at least financially support her in her old age.  I’m not the cook/domestic child but I think I am the most financially savvy/smart right now and I’d wish and hope she does not do as my grandmothers have done; trust your children to do right by you.  It fails more times than it succeeds.  So, tonight I am very grateful for the truth not matter how badly it stings.

March 3, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 32

Today I am grateful for Friday.  The one day I give myself permission to do nothing school-related.  Work was really busy & I didn’t sleep well the night before so I’m tired but at least I don’t have to read, calculate, or figure out how to do this here.  I can actually get home and do nothing if I want to.  I can catch-up on TV shows I missed via Hulu.  I can watch a newly released movie online for free.  I can read my Runner’s World magazine.  Or, I can just go to sleep early or talk til I drain my battery out.  Whatever I decide to do on Friday is good 🙂

March 2, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 31

Today I am grateful for this warm winter we’ve been having.  It’s the first day of March and I don’t feel like crying because it’s so cold outside.  Minor snow fall compared to the Chicago Blizzard of February 2011.  Higher temperatures compared to the 10 degrees and lower temps I’m used to during this time of the year.  I can actually run outside in regular running gear instead of fur from a bear I just skinned.  This is not a good sign because I am pretty sure this may related to Global Warming & other environment issues which has our climate completely off from its norm but I am grateful for the warmth because I can’t afford to move to warmer climates just yet.

March 1, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 30

Today I am thankful for my Rabbit! This is probably TMI but IDC lol.  I haven’t masturbated in years but, when I did, I used my Rabbit.  It’s probably old skool by now but it’s still my Ole Faithful tool to get me there.  I did to literally find it, dust it off, search for batteries, put it to work.  This post does not require details which I will gladly keep to myself but it was definitely well worth the effort 😀 So, today I am really grateful for the release lol!

February 29, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 29

Today, I am grateful for having the resources to make someone’s birthday special.  This time last year, he’d just found out his wife was cheating and she had no intentions on reconciling with her husband even deciding to clear out their joint account to  run away with their son.  His birthday, along with Valentine’s Day, was a horrible memory and reminder of that failed marriage.  Well, I’m not miracle worker because if I was I’d use my insane powers to completely clear his memory of those events Men in Black style.  But, I am powerless so this is where Visa comes in.  From 6 hours away, I surprised him with a gift he hadn’t bought his self in over a couple of years, a chocolate birthday cake delivered to his door, and another gift he could wear.  As much as I wanted to be there, as much as he had planned to be here, and as life always does to any plans we think we are going to make; it was the best I could do under the circumstances.  Sometimes it’s good to make someone else’s day fantastic so today I am grateful I could do just that.

February 28, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 28

Today I am grateful for the time to talk about my wishes when I die.  I ask a lot of questions and I like to talk about important topics when I think about them and not when I think the time is right because, imo, there is no such thing.  I got the chance to discuss my current life insurance policy, how things are currently set up in the event I die tomorrow, and how I would like my remains to be buried or not.  I discussed what I’d like to happen if I remarried, what I’d like to happen if I remarried AND had another baby, and what I’d like to happen if I remarried someone whose existing child(ren) became my step-child(ren).  I discussed all these things and the importance that any money I leave behind is legally kept out of any and every family member’s hands.  There is no time like the present to discuss your last wishes in every possible scenario you can think of (although I have yet to finalize my Power of Attorney), so for that I am grateful.

February 27, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment

Day 27

Today I am grateful for Guys Time which means I get Mommy Time! I didn’t go to church today.  I stayed up late and then slept in late so the boys got picked up by one of the ICI counselors who took them to Study School, Church service, and then to Pizza Hut afterwards.  All guys since the counselor’s wife and daughter were out of the town for a funeral.  I think little boys should have as much time with other boys and men as they possibly can; good boys and men.  So, I am grateful that in my laziness my boys still got the chance to make it to church and it was a great guys time by all.

February 26, 2012 Posted by | Grateful | | Leave a comment