32B's Blog

…where I write my words

My Questions may Save Me

I haven’t written about God in such a long time although I have read about Him often via other blogs & discussions.  I gave it all up.  The more holes I found in arguments, the concrete factual evidence that supported every claim against Christianity, the more that one line kept resonating in my head….you are too logical and rational to believe in such a tale.  I am.  I used to think I was a pretty strange little girl who experienced things no one else did or no one else would ever understand so I kept them to myself until I began to write not worrying in the slightest bit that someone might wander upon one of my pieces or posts and send the authorities to gauge my mental capacity to care for myself let alone my kids.  My rationale and my logic makes me ask questions that others either do not or that others do not see.  What I always thought was a curse of mine (since it pissed my mom off often & now my son does it to me) I find has been a way for me to question myself.

It was never about questioning or interrogating others about the truth of the Gospels, the factual evidence that exists outside the Bible of people in the Bible and/or main events that the Bible claims to have taken place (Noah and the flood).  I did not seek to discredit Christianity because, to do so, would leave me without anything to anchor my soul to if it needed anything at all.  I am beginning to understand that maybe my questions and answers I have gotten are there to challenge my own thinking and not someone else’s.  A blogger posed a legitimate question here asking about the apostles,

For them to have such uniformity of action, commitment to an executed man, and put themselves to the kind of risk they did, all to establish the early Christian church, makes no sense otherwise. It defies human nature, self-interest, and self-presevation for all 13 of those people, one of whom had a position of authority before converting to Jesus’ path, to do that. And to stick with it even through persecution and unto their very deaths as martyrs.”  

The irony in my thinking is that it’s not so much about Jesus because His disciples seem to attest to His presence.  Why would these men do such a thing?  Despite the facts that surface today, despite the arguments, the less authentic view or opinion of the Bible, or even misconceptions and ways in which Christianity has festered into modern society (these are my own views).  Why does the one thing that even I can’t answer or explain the one thing that tugs me awake at night begging for an explanation…but I have none.  I have nothing.  Absolutely nothing and here is why: I too am an apostle who, just as we sometimes refuse to believe they would make such claims about a man who died and rose 3 days later even giving their lives for the cause….I would do the same.  Not that anyone would question my connection with Jesus or even think I walked with Him at all in my life but because I have seen, heard, and felt things my logic is incapable of understanding to explain.  I never find a suitable explanation because there is not one that will explain away what I know with certainty has happened or occurred so I’d be, once again, lying to myself to make myself find an acceptable reason for all these things but months will go by and I will never speak of God, write a post about Him, or even pray to Him but “it” comes back….”it” always does.  Those things my mind which has explained away everything simply can’t explain away this while I laugh at people who recite scriptures, point out what Paul said, where it’s found in the OT & NT, and how the Bible has been taught to ages to explain. 

These people are of little minds imo and these people have refused to touch or try to understand what I have so I know that at a moment’s notice they’d call a psychiatric ward on their dear friend who went mad one day talking about things of a Spiritual nature but Spirits are the one of the things that no one (or at least I haven’t found one) can denounce.  Spirits are the one thing that even most Christians fail to acknowledge or even agree on.  I have been saying and asking my fellow Christian friends to look outside the Bible and it’s page but they cannot because every debate or argument leads to this same book.  Maybe my questions are ways in which only I can understand and make sense of this because I know how my mind works and fictional tales that sound really pretty with the only thing attesting to their truth are themselves have never been my cup of tea.  Seriously, would an ocean not claim to be wet?  Or, would it claim to only wet those who touch it?  No one has the balls to jump in and find out so they pull out these big pretty books written about the sea claiming to be the only law of the sea which will give them a definition of the sea and I must never question it.  Left in the hands of fellow Christians who regurgitate their Bibles & what good ole pastor said all these years, my soul would have died.  So, I ask myself, if placed on a stand to account for all I cannot explain that has happened to me, all that I have physically felt since my childhood, all that I have seen since my childhood, and all the times I was fully cognitive and conscious….would I still say those experiences are enough to lay down my life for a God I have never seen, a Christ I think I have spoken to, and a Bible that creates a mess more than it cleans it up?  Yes, I would…it is the most logical and rational thing to do. (Please do not reply to this post with scripture, if that is your arsenal then you can’t even dry the Sahara.)


March 23, 2010 Posted by | Christian, God, Spiritual | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Old Testament Game

Have you ever had a moment when you look around and realize that things you once cared about no longer matter?  Not that they are not important or insignificant but that your priorities have shifted and you can’t tell yourself when much less why because you have no clue!  I would say that the worst decision I have ever made in life was to bring life into this world.  Why?  Because the power of these two creatures to tear me down, make me worry, and scare me to death for their safety in a world where no one is safe is paradoxically insane and futile.  When I think about my kids I wonder what else is out there.  Is this it?  I know I think too much but I think I’m going somewhere with this….just not sure where.  You know how we sometimes yell at the television and tell that crazy lady not to go into the room after she says, “I wonder what that noise is”?  You scream and tell her not to go and you wonder why it always seems to be the white people who always gotta go check things out instead of erring on the side of caution and getting the hell outta dodge.  I feel like I want to walk and see what the hell that is.  Call me white!  Having kids changes your life.  Among all the obvious things it changes in your life, you begin to see the world differently.  Recently, I began to see some things differently not because I just had a baby but because I am wondering as my kids get older what I will tell them about God.  Who is He?  What is He about?  How are we to live?  How do I get them to understand what was never explained to me as a child?  How do I get them to relate to instead of being forced fed something that’s incomprehensible and unimaginable to them?  How do I explain what, at times, I don’t really understand?  It’s probably not as complicated as I’m making it seem but let’s just assume I have a child like myself who refuses to believe those “called” and instead wishes to find the truth out for themselves.

When I was little I questioned everything.  I didn’t out loud because I knew a belt was always somewhere close by but I questioned authority from the time I could remember.  If it didn’t make sense then “because I said so” wasn’t going to cut it.  I was raised to believe in what my parents and their parents believed.  I wasn’t encouraged to think for myself but I was dealt a life where every adult around me messed up and messed up big time to the point where they lost credibility and showed me certain people don’t have to be accountable for their actions.  So, in all this, where does God fit in?  Faith was too fluid a concept and much like grains of sand in my hand for my to understand it then and even now in how it’s often presented.  Faith, I was told, is the substance of things hoped for and the essence of things not seen.  Hope?  Is that an action word?  If so, from who or what are we waiting to receive action from or what or who are we sending this action to?  If I can’t see it does it exist?  In my head….nope.  I was told that God created me so the way I think must allow for some if not all of it to some in a nice package with my name on it so I can comprehend it and explain it as only I have grown to understand it.

I know what I believe and it’s only what I believe because of what I have seen and physically felt.  I asked God because my mind can’t wrap itself around certain concepts and digest it….so I ask.  If I was to write a book about spirituality it would likely be called Christianity for Intellects (not dummies) or The Devil’s Little Advocate only because I find it insatiably orgasmic (bad wrong to use but that’s all I could think of) to go into anything Christian related ready to tear it down to its core, ready to argument anything standing on 0.5 legs, and looking to fill each and every gaping hole because that’s what people with minds do.  They nick pick and scrutinize and analyse leaving no rock uncovered and laughing when the other person scrambles for an explanation and slaps a “just have faith” onto it.  The best defense is to have a good offense.  If I can tear down my own religion, uncover the holes, possibly even pointing out other equally huge holes in other religions, and make it a convincing myth to myself then I have the power and know-how to make it convincingly true to others because I have uncovered my weaknesses and built them up (factually) with evidence that “just have faith” will marvel at.

I was told that the world is dying, that people need to be saved, and that Jesus is coming back soon.  I watched the movie 2012 and wondered how the Mayans could possibly end their calendars on 12/21/10 and just say that the world will reset or start all over again.  I thought it ironic that, in the movie, the “do over” occurs in Africa.  But I wondered several things: if religion has no part in it and life is as we live it in which we die and become one with the earth then we shall eventually die out, run out of natural resources, exhaust all possible lab engineered replacements, and die off like most other species because nothing continues to exist indefinitely and nothing has proven to survive without depleting resources as it expands.  Then what is life for?  Why not check out now?  Religion justifies our existence so we don’t give up and committed suicide at the notion that this is all for nothing.  If it’s apart of a plan….whose plan is it?  I have an idea.  Maybe I will write a book.  Problem is I don’t think anyone will read it and I doubt I can collect my thoughts long enough to prove a point although I have quite a few.  If my sons asked me right now “mommy, who is Jesus?” what will I say?  The best answer is for them to experience it for themselves.  If ever there was a wish I’ve utter more times than I probably admit it’s that God would play Old Testament again.  If ever there was a time for people to see instead of being told from old stories translated beyond authenticity and tattered with age then it is now.  If there was ever a time for a staff, a Red Sea, and a Moses it is now.  If there was ever a time for a road called Damascus and a bush to burn in the presence of every scientific mind there is just to prove its nothing but a miracle….that time is now.  I don’t ask God for anything more than a visible miracle because word of mouth can only save so many.  He got disciples to give their lives for something they actually saw or heard about within their own lifetime….it’s time to play Old Testament again.  I am jealous they had Jesus back then because I am not content with just having the Bible.  It’s not enough anymore.  People are dying and they need more than a Bible full of questions….they need someone sent to save them who will show them visible proof.  I know what you’re thinking, “they didn’t believe them then so why would they now?!”  It’s better than what we currently have and that’s close to nothing and too many false prophets.  Only God can save us….and I mean that literally.  I’ll wait and see what He decides to do.

December 16, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thrice about Peter

Walking_on_Water (2)This is another moment where I need to document something for myself so I can look back at it later and possibly gain some clarity from it.  For this past weekend, I have been smacked in the face with one name at least 3 times…..Peter.  I don’t know if anyone knows that Faith Evan’s song but I think it’s called Say A Prayer for Me.  The first time I heard that song I was sitting in Bible study on a Wednesday night at my church in Indianapolis.  I think it was before the class started when the praise dancers came out and a singer walked up to the mic to sing that song.  I’d never heard of the song but it peaked my interest when she said something about how this song relates to her right now.  Well, for those who have never heard it, the person singing the song is asking Jesus to pray for them like He did for Peter because the enemy desires to sift them like wheat…..God cover me that my faith won’t fail is right before the chorus.  It says, “Jesus, say a prayer for me.  You know what I need. Go before the Father and intercede for me.  The enemy desires to sift me as wheat.  But, like you did for Peter, say a prayer for me“.  I had no idea what sifting like wheat was or what Peter had done or was about to be involved in that he required a direct personal prayer from Jesus so I looked it up in my study Bible and on Google.  Yes, I Google’d.  That song stayed with me and I often sing it when I get tired from life, tired from drama, tired from any and everything and begin to cry.  It’s like my white flag.

Anywho, I wrote a piece about Easter and I liked it so much because if D.J. ever read it they will be able to understand it so I thought it’ll be cool to write about other Biblical stories in the same way.  Of course it’s been done before but I wanted to do it my own way and the 1st story I thought to write about was Peter, walking on water, and trusting God.  I haven’t even written the 1st sentence because, unlike everything else, I got writer’s block and couldn’t seem to get my thoughts together to form anything literary.  Well, Peter was mentioned 3 times this weekend….I can’t remember the first time and it’s killing me that I can’t because I need to remember so I can try to connect whatever dots.  Sunday I heard about the Peter story.  Right when the person started to tell the story I began to frown and thought, “what a coincidence” but I listened and kept quiet.  Then when I got to work yesterday morning, I sat down to check my email and opened a devotional I get every so often from this website.  This one was called Reckless Faith and I either bypass those devotionals or read them based on the title.  I happened to scan this one and find out it was the same Peter story…..she was saying he had reckless faith to step out there on that water and how we should have reckless faith too.

No rhythm or reason to any of this.  After 3 times of hearing about Peter in a good 3 days I asked if there was something He needed me to trust Him on.  I hadn’t asked Him for anything.  I wasn’t going through anything.  Nothing.  This weekend was fine.  Nothing out of the ordinary…just the same ole crap I’ve grown accustomed to so when I took a moment to talk to Him I seriously felt like I was sitting across from Him when my hands on my hips saying, “wassup with all the Peter references?  Tryna tell me something?  I haven’t asked you to show me anything, to help me with anything, to do anything at all that I can remember.  I’m confused.  No offense to Peter but I’m pretty tired of hearing his name but I’m sure there’s a reason behind it.  Are you preparing me for something?  That’s all I can think of right now….that you are forewarning me to trust you in light of something that’s coming because there’s nothing here now and all that was here is over and dealt with”.  I don’t know.  Maybe me noticing little variations, small minute details will cause me more unnecessary worry than anything but, as often as I tell myself it’s nothing, it has never once in my 29 yrs of living been nothing.  I know me.  I know what I see.  I know what I feel.  I know what’s strange and abnormal or complete out of character.  So, I think I will take a break from things for a while.

*I usually try to come up with catchy attention grabbing titles related to the subject I’ve written about so that’s how I got thrice….but didn’t Peter deny Jesus 3 times too?  I can’t remember.

September 15, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , | Leave a comment

Sarah’s Longing

made_with_love__by_sunburntchaosWhen I want to write about something I spend more time searching for an adequate picture than writing.  The picture must match my feelings, my thoughts, and it must translate without words what I want to say.  I’m not satisfied until I find the right picture…I say that to say I’m not satisfied with this one but it is what it is.  Today I experienced longing.  I asked myself if it was envy but I don’t think so because I don’t want what they have or what that person has.  I don’t want that object that they have or that person or that status.  But I do want that object, person, and/or status for myself.  Does that make sense?  I don’t want him….I want him over there but we aren’t at that point where they are but that doesn’t change my longing to have what they have.  Make sense now?  She has “A”.  I have “A”.  Her “A” is at destination “D”.  Mine is still at destination “B”.  I want to be at “D”.  She has made it to “D”.  I look with longing at how beautiful “D” is but I’m looking from where I sit….at “B”.  Get me now?  That longing to experience what they are experiencing right now.  That longing.  Not envy.  That much I do know.  When I was sure of that I smiled and told myself that patience is a virtue I don’t have so I knew this was going to be difficult.  People are always asking me why I rush things.  I don’t.  I really really don’t.  I know what I want and I admit, in a rush, I tend to see what isn’t really there in hopes that it is what I have been longing for….but it’s not.  I get right back in the game though.  It’s an extremely slippery slope to tell someone who does not have to be patient for something you do have.  That’s like me telling an obese person they should be patient about weight loss.  One of my friends is trying to lose weight so she has started to run too and when she says how difficult it is to eat right and run I hold my tongue.  When I get quiet she wonders why and I say “I don’t diet or eat right most of the time.  I just end up slimming down.”  I can’t relate and I know all that I may ever say will do more harm than good because she sees something comes naturally for me and not for her and, when that happens, some people get hostile and bitter. 

Sometimes it’s good to know how Sarah felt.  Sometimes it’s good to know how my friend feels.  Both have/had a longing for a child.  My friend has had miscarriage #3 I think….I can’t remember but I know this is the third I’ve heard and she lost the last one last month at about 4 months.  I “popped” out 2 boys with no real issues.  My other friend “popped” out 2 boys with no real issue.  Both of us got pregnant just by thinking about it (lol well not really) and both of us have had an abortion in the past.  What comes easy for us, what we one day used to complain about, what we got rid of because we have no problems getting it when we really want it, what we once feared when it came time to pee on that stick thinking “not again!”….she dreams about every night.  Another miscarriage.  What am I to say?!   Nothing from my mouth will soothe her.  But, sometimes I wonder how often will she continue to try for a baby and lose little lives in the process of her selfishness.  I can say that because I don’t know how it feels to want a baby so much you cry yourself to sleep some nights.  But, putting myself in her shoes, I’d probably think that this here pregnancy just might be God’s answer to her prayers.  Hmmm.  All the stories I hear about Sarah have been about her stubbornness, her impatience, her need to play God, to make her own way since she felt like God was taking too long, and her messing up history as we know it.  I have yet to hear compassion for her.  Of course we have all been there but can we spend more time saying it’s ok to feel as she did?  It’s ok to long the way she longed?  It’s ok to want so badly that it hurts?  It’s ok to say “I look at other women with babies and I don’t want to kidnap theirs but I do stare for long periods of times wondering when I’ll get my own, what I’ll call him/her, how my pregnancy will be, and how great of a mom I’ll be”?  That’s why I stare so hard at what you have because I don’t have mine yet so don’t think I’m trying to take yours because I know that’s what you’re thinking when you give me that weird look, call out your child’s name, and run away from me as fast as you can.  That’s why I look and then look away because when I thought the longing feeling had gone away it comes back when I see you two together, holding hands, sharing a laugh, and planning your future together and it makes me wonder “will it ever happen for me”, will I be that happy, how will my forever more be?  I don’t want yours….yours just reminds me of what’s not yet mine.

I swear you experience something psychological that I don’t know the name for.  I swear you cry for something as if it’s been ripped from you.  I swear your heart hurts for something it’s never even had.  I swear you empathize and understand why Sarah acted the way she did.  Yes, she shouldn’t have.  Hell no, I wouldn’t have if I was in her shoes.  Sleep with my man?!?!  Gurl please!!  But I can see why she did it.  I can feel what she must have felt during that moment.  I can comprehend what must have been going through her mind.  The strange thing is that, earlier today when I felt that longing again, I thought of Sarah’s story and wondered maybe the Bible really does apply today as it did back then to what we experience now.  God never promised me a baby….I just ended up with 2….I didn’t even ask for them….but I’m glad I have them.  My friend prays all the time for a baby.  I don’t know this firsthand but I’m sure if she prays for strength to get through yet another miscarriage then she likely prays for a miracle as well.  I’m not feeling like Sarah anymore but I was earlier today and I sat there smiling to myself while my eyes welled with tears looking at her but seeing me and all I want to have.  I saw her standing there but I saw me in my head.  Strange how that works.  I don’t want to be her…that would be a definite downgrade in all honesty but I did want her blessing in a pretty little package and yellow bow addressed to me.  One day.  One day.  Till then, excuse me if you see me staring really hard with watery eyes and a dumb smile on my face….I’m just longing for your moment for myself.

September 14, 2009 Posted by | Life, Spiritual | , , | Leave a comment

Prayer Babe

It_Does_Not_Have_Me_by_jericho_kitsuneIt’s Wednesday night and I just walked in the house from Prayer Hour at my church.  Every Wednesday in August has been Prayer Hour from 7-8pm and today was the last Wednesday.  I went 2 weeks ago and I went tonight with no intentions but to go.  Why am I writing this?  I suck at praying!  I felt “inspired” to get up and go pray so I did.  I put quotations because it surely wasn’t because I wanted to get up there….I was doing fine listening and I can pray at home.  Sometimes, when others are praying, I’ll think about what I would say if I got up there.  Well, out of all the stuff I thought about maybe half or less was mentioned.  So, I got up and it felt like someone had pressed slow motion.  My nervousness set in, I started to fidget, my heart started racing, and I was reminded of how nervous I am with public speaking.  I closed my eyes and started talking and forgot everyone was sitting there.  I know that’s probably what you’re supposed to do but it’s not good when you keep talking and lose track of time.  I don’t think I did but, when I sat down, I seriously had to think of what I said up there in front of all these people and I started to freak out a bit thinking, “I gotta get the heck up outta here!”  I didn’t make eye contact with anyone….I dang near wanted to run for the door. 

I pray like a kid.  You know how kids pray?  They keep thanking God for stuff instead of following the steps outlined of A.C.T.S. – adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication.  Well, I did the confession, I don’t know if I did adoration, I did thanksgiving, and I stopped right there.  I kept saying “thank you God for” blah blah blah….how embarassing.  I didn’t pray for anyone but myself.  I don’t even remember some of what I said but I do remember feeling like I was writing.  Sometimes I talk the way I’d write….almost poetic like, “that sounds good! I should write that down.”  Yeah, so now I remember why I hate to pray in front of people.  I take that “come as little children” line to heart.  Anywho, that’s it.  Me trippin hard and running for cover wondering if anyone heard me pray and praying they didn’t.  I even think my voice was shaking but my mind was calm.  I felt at ease but I talk too much so it’s good I stopped when I did.  I do that often too….I’ll make myself stop praying because I begin to get all conversational like time is not of the essence and I can sit here and talk to God all day.  The good thing is that everyone else before me had covered the city, the ‘hood, the church, the 1st family, the sick & shut in, the children of the ‘hood, the upcoming school yr, and everything else because I didn’t mention a nan nothing.  I come to God as my sons would….just to talk.  I honestly didn’t have anything pressing to say or anything to ask for.  I’m not bothered by anything I haven’t already mentioned to Him that required me to repeat it.  And I remember being a tad bit too honest in my prayer out in public!  I said something in the beginning about asking for forgiveness for all things I’ve done…I made it sound like I’m a walking advertisment for sin!  Ugh!!  But, I think I did ok for a 29 yr old going on 7 years….fantastic 😦

August 27, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | , , , , | 2 Comments

Ignorant Bliss

Here_by_GingerRoseI went school shopping this weekend and one thing led to another, something was said, then it got me to thinking, and I ended up here…..maybe ignorance is bliss.  My oldest struggles with math.  Trust me, it irritates me to no end because my insides want to scream when I try to explain something that is so basic it should require no explaining.  It just is.  Get it.  Grasp it.  Understand it.  His problem?  He works through the problems too fast and he miscounts in this hurry to get homework over with.  Not a big issue when I look at the overall picture though.  My baby sister is moving out south.  Yes, she’s breaking the code of honor which clearly states that no Chi Westsider shall EVER permanently dwell on the southside….we are calling a meeting to revoke her Westside card.  Anywho, she mentioned that she will have the kids for a weekend prb every so often and take them to DuSable Museum since it’s close to her new apartment.  For those that don’t know, DuSable Museum is dedicated to African-American history.  I have never been to the museum unless I was so young I don’t remember but I assume it covers our history from slavery til now with the Obama era.  I don’t want my kids to go but I didn’t know how to tell my sis that because I barely understood the reason myself.  I have my reason and I will try to explain it here.

My theory is this: if someone does not know there is a force out there, rather major or minor, then they can never accuse that force or be victim to that force they don’t know exists.  Right?  If I never knew the sun radiated heat could I blame it for making me hot?  I’d blame other factors such as too many people in this room generating body heat, my wearing too many clothes, the earth’s core heating too fast or too much, or whatever else since the sun is not a possible factor because all I know is that it gives light.  If my kids never know about racism and this “blame the white man syndrome” then maybe they will never blame their failures on the “white man” or use racism (whether evidenced or not) for a reason why they are not prosperous in life.  I understand the notion of knowing where you came to know where you are to go or how ever it’s said, but I believe black men have a crutch sometimes esp when it comes to blaming others for their mishaps.  Racism exists.  Does it have power over us?  The difference here lies in one’s faith too.  Some argue that ignorance is not bliss but can do more damage than good.  God never told Adam & Eve they were naked.  He specifically told them not to eat from the tree that would make them aware of their situation knowing it will cause them unnecessary worry and place more on them than they needed since He was in control of everything and once they knew too much they would forget He was in control and start acting plum fools….exhibit A is found in Genesis.  I don’t know all the details and scientific, biblical, and other facts found in some big million page book…..all I know is this supports my theory.  God knew their ignorance would be a protection for them instead of a crutch.  They didn’t even know who Satan was and, to have explained that to Adam & Eve, would have opened a can of worms too.  All he said was don’t eat from that tree. 

Back to the sun notion, if we never knew Satan existed would we blame him still for everything?  Get thee behind me Satan.  I send Satan back to hell from whence he come.  I curse Satan at his roots and all his angels.  Satan is the cause for this.  Satan has stirred this up.  Satan is the reason for my pain, my hurt, my dispair, my everything I struggle with….blame it on Satan.  What if we didn’t know Satan existed?  If all we knew was God and good?  Well, for starters, we wouldn’t be living with the Eve curse but….besides that….a lot would be different.  The way we think.  The way we process things.  The way we live.  We’d trust God more because we’d know no one else exists to yank our chains and confuse us.  We’d probably be more obedient because there is no scapegoat to blame our sins on…I have done this many times.  “Naw, it was Satan who made me do it.  He know I have a weakness for tall dark brothas and here this fool come walking up to me looking all good and smelling so right!  Satan put those thoughts in my head, he made me feel those desires, and that’s how it happened.  No fault of my own!”  If I didn’t know about Satan I’d probably think I need more discipline, I am weak, I need to get closer to God, not put myself in situations & places that are tempting, I need to pray more, I need to study the Bible more, I need to put on my armor, etc……”I” and God.  Of course the only counter argument here (know where & what the holes are in your argument) is Job.  He knew that Satan exists along with his schemes but Job was a smart man who still trusted God.  Not a single person from his clique blamed Satan, they blamed God because they all knew Satan can’t do shyt without God’s ok.

Someone may argue that my sons must know about racism so they can prepare for the real world when they enter it.  I know that part and I understand it but I don’t agree with it totally.  I agree that we all need to know what we’re getting into before we get somewhere so we know how to navigate but part of the problem is we think too much.  Yes, I just typed that…ring the alarm.  We think too much.  We try to process things on our own.  When we gain knowledge we forget about pertinent things such as Satan has rights and does nothing without God’s permission, we don’t need to fear racism or the alleged power of the “white man”, circumstances and shyt happens for a reason and no one knows that reason but God, and in the beginning He was all they needed so in the end He’s all we need.  A small (understatement) part of the reason is because I don’t know how to explain the “why” questions that may come from my oldest.  My youngest will likely look and not understand but he may carry a mental image of something I don’t want him to see.  My oldest will ask questions, interrogate, analyze, and question my “mom” answer until he is satisfied.  If I say this happened because they hated us then he will think “they” still do hate us which is not the focus when the focus should be “so what!”  The fear of lynchings, bombings, police dogs, fire hoses, draggings, rapes, auctions, beatings, mutilations, and now the current issues with our people such as complexion hatred or jealousy, good & bad hair, talking white, acting white, Bill Cosby alliance, and uppity Uncle Tom Negros….it’s too much and I don’t know when they will be ready to know all this.  Maybe when they start dating lil fast chicks at age 30….then they will be ready.  Until then, don’t eat from that freakin tree….God said so.  Not really a lie. (White girl in pic has no hidden meaning. I didn’t put her there….Satan did)

August 24, 2009 Posted by | Life, Spiritual | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What’s In A Feeling

2284125938_48f9c0edb2I’m sitting in my living room with the television on but muted and iTunes playing a Chrisette Michelle song.  I have cotton balls in both ears because I just put drops of Debrox in both ears to clean the excess wax from my ears so the song is kinda muffled right now.  From where I sit on the floor as if I don’t have two couches, I see a dried up cross on the far wall.  The light from the ceiling fan illuminates the cross itself and the stream of oil that followed til it eventually dried months ago.  I look around the living room and can’t see any other cross but I know there’s one in every room of my apartment.  Why?  I kinda had a strange episode a while back and was told to bless each room of my apartment until it felt as it felt when I first moved in…..like home.  During that time, I’d walk into my apartment and feel something was not right.  Of course, as much as it made no sense to me, I told my friends about it and some thought I’d lost my mind and others thought the same thing but had no explanation for what I told them.  A few days later, I walked into my apartment and I could feel it was back to normal.  It’s something you can’t explain to anyone.  You just know.  Without a shadow of a doubt. 

We (Prayer Ministry) is reading this book called Spiritual Warfare.  I am assigned the chapter titled Satan’s Rights which, from my initial thoughts, didn’t really outline any “rights” but rather instructions on how to dismantle any hierarchy of demonic spirits.  This is the chapter I am assigned to discuss for our September meeting but there was a certain part of another chapter that scared the crap outta me.  It was supposed to be a true account story about a Pastor who heard voices coming from his daughter’s room but his daughter wasn’t home.  As he walked closer to the closed door of her room he was certain he heard voices (plural) and, when he opened the door, he saw his daughter’s entire doll collection starring at him.  Freaked out, he grabbed the entire collection and threw them away.  Apparently, his daughter had been suffering from some emotional issues that were solved when that collection of dolls were discarded.  When I first joined my church, one of my Warriors would take me with her to various church visits to see her friends or fav pastors preach.  Rev. Allen (I sure hope she don’t mind me mentioning her in so many of my blogs), told her once that she should be careful because she didn’t want me to be exposed to different spirits being a babe and all.  I looked from one woman to the other as they spoke as though I wasn’t standing there all the while wondering, “what spirits?! what are you talking about?”  But, nope, no one told me anything. 

My episode a few months ago had me completely puzzled because, for a second, I wondered if I had imagined it all until I recall what things had happened and I tell myself there’s no way in hell I could have.  I did remember a book I was reading and had just finished reading when all this took place.  It was a book written by a psychic woman who claimed to know the reason we are here on earth.  It involved different spirits she encountered, powers she had, her spirit guide, and how she was able to save people from hurt by telling them of things yet to come.  Secretly, I wanted special powers like she had.  I wanted to know why we were here.  I gave into the possibility.  I feed into the storyline.  I even questioned my entire faith when her spirit guide told her that there isn’t a heaven and a hell per se….just a place where you kinda wait to repeat life’s tests that you’d failed previously. 

This past Saturday, I went to my Prayer Ministry meeting and Rev. Allen asked why I had missed every single Tuesday prayer line for the month of July.  I wasn’t going to lie.  I was certain of that from the time before I left my apt that morning but, unlike at my apt, I felt guilty.  In my apt, I felt justified.  I’m busy.  I run Tuesday mornings.  I have this 5K run in September and my time right now is not where I need it to be so I need to devoted that time to run.  I get up and talk to God before my run.  I don’t need to do corporate prayer with y’all just to say I did it.  As long as I talked to God that morning then I’m straight.  But….sitting at that table in the basement of the church, my tongue couldn’t move.  I knew what I told myself I was gonna say but, like every time before, as soon as I walked into the church, I didn’t.  Have you ever wondered if there is another you sitting at home although you know you aren’t at home but somewhere else.  I told her and the other Warriors something like that at that moment.  I told her at home it makes sense.  At home I tell myself “you don’t have to go”.  I tell myself “what’s one Sunday?!”  I tell myself “you talked to God already!”  I tell myself all kinda things but, as soon as I leave, I feel like I left someone that seems to be me at home.  I can’t explain it but I know what it feels like.  Like when I walked into my apartment that day and felt something was different and then that something was normal.  When I sat before her and knew I had told myself exactly what to say but, for some reason, it didn’t feel right.  How much is in a feeling I wonder.

August 13, 2009 Posted by | Spiritual | Leave a comment

Forced Christian

forcedThere was a time when I was “zealous” in my Christian walk.  I use the word “zealous” because that is how a member of the Prayer Ministry described it.  I was always present, always eager, always ready to learn, willing to do what I could, and paying my tithes when ever possible.  Well, that changed some time ago and I don’t think I have lost my zeal as much as it has been re-examined.  I grew up in the church and came to believe that being in the church kept me safe from sinful ways.  If I remained within the four walls of the church for every event, program, class, etc then I was being a model Christian and God was pleased with me.  That was until I found out that faith pleases God.  That God searches the heart.  That the Pharisees were no more godly than the other people they looked down on.  See, church classes have taught me much along with discussions with church folks but I just can’t do the church thing.  As secretary of the Prayer Ministry, I am required to attend church service every Sunday, attend at least Bible Study on Wednesday or Sunday School Sunday morning, participate in one of the daily prayer-lines during the week, and pay my tithes and offerings.  The only thing I do voluntarily is Sunday School & tithes.  Now we have this thing about worshipping God.  Apparently, looking out into the congregation and seeing Prayer Warriors not actively participating during the Worship time does not look good on us as Prayer Warriors.  I see certain people looking at me if I don’t raise my hands, shout “Thank you Jesus” a few times, close my eyes, have tears running down my face, and/or anything other than sit there calmly as I do often.  I can fake it.  I can fake anything without a problem but then I am pleasing people so, when it comes up again, my name is not mentioned in “don’t you have something to thank God for?” analysis.  I sure the heck do but must I put on a show for you and them to prove my gratefulness lest I am seen as worthy of being a Prayer Warrior?  It’s all about show sometimes and I want no part of it.  I worship when I want to.  If it requires me to do A, B, C, and D then maybe I should step down.

I write, say, do, and think things that are contradictory to being a Christian.  I admit that here.  I will admit that to them.  I will shout it from the rooftops.  I wish people will let it out that they struggle sometimes too.  That deacon standing at the front of the church is phuckin his girl’s back on every night but if I don’t close my eyes & shout “thank you God” I am unworthy.  Her over there has slept with half the church but I’m told to be like her and how she carries herself.  Not trying to point out someone’s flaw…just making a point.  It takes too much effort to fake what I don’t care about.  I don’t care about the requirements to hold this position.  I really wanna ride the pew every Sunday and maybe show up to programs outside of church service.  Being confined to those four walls do not mean I am how God desires me to be.  That is what I am trying to focus on.  Tonight is Prayer Hour and I don’t want to go but I have to since I’m a Prayer Warrior and that is what Prayer Warriors do…..we pray.  We have to be seen praying at the church, be visual, let people know who we are, wear our pins, be there when folks need prayer, etc.  I don’t give two sh*ts who the Prayer Warriors are.  I don’t give two sh*ts who I am.  All I know is that being a Prayer Warrior, I have prayed more for my own sorry behind than anyone else.  And, if I pray for someone else, I gotta first spend a good hour repenting of my sins so God will hear me intercede for someone else.  I gotta repent for sexin ole dude last night, getting tipsy at the club this past weekend, having sinful thoughts like 30 mins ago, and cussing out my own mama cause Lord knows she’s a real bytch sometimes. 

God knows all my filth and He makes me feel bad for it.  Sometimes I do good.  I have a nice track record going.  We talk often.  I ask Him for help with A,B,C, & D and He comes through.  He sits patiently while I empty my latest bag of sins so I can talk to Him about Sister Jenkins.  I can’t hide anything from Him but I hide things from my church folks.  I would say church “family” but Lord knows “family” is difficult for my lips to form and my vocal cords to even sound out.  I don’t hate praying….I do it all the time when I’m by myself.  Must I prove that in front of people.  I hate praying with certain people on the prayer lines because I have nothing to say when we call in, I start to fumble my words, I seem like a novice, and I spend about 5 mins praying instead of 30 mins like others.  I prefer to pray to myself and when I am comfortable.  Sometimes I feel like a forced Christian.  Sometimes when I miss church my reason really is “I didn’t feel like going”.  When I miss the church, pastor, building fund, carpet cleaning, or new glass doors anniversary it’s because “I didn’t feel like going”.  Not that I don’t care but dang it….do we need 3 days to celebrate the church anniversary?!  Heaven forbid you have a life because that too should be devoted to God.  Not the building….to God.  I have bit off 3 fingernails about this and tonight.  My minister will ask if I was there and the answer will be “no” and I will say I went to see The Wiz instead of going to Prayer Hour.  The important thing is that I prayed to God on my own as the spirit moves me to….not as it is scheduled by man.  Call me defiant…I just don’t fit the church mold.

August 12, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , | Leave a comment

Five Minute Teaching

lipsI got a call this time last week from one of my Prayer Warriors.  I smile as I typed that line because I am thinking who the hell would want me to pray for them?!  Anywho, she called because she is assigned to do the Five Minute Teaching for our meeting scheduled for this Saturday but, due to medical reasons, she cannot.  So, I’m holding the phone saying “un huh un huh” wondering why she called me when it dawned on me that I am the secretary so she just wanted me to know in advance so I can excuse her absence.  No problem.  Wrong!  She had already spoken to our Ministry Leader but was calling to ask me to take her place and do the Five Minute Teaching.  Come again?!  I don’t teach…anything.  I sit, listen, maybe take notes, read along in my Bible, but I don’t stand up and speak.  I also don’t say no when someone asks me to do something at church.  Freakin rock and a hard place.  I had facilitated a book for the Prayer Ministry and I have facilitated a chapter for my Sunday School class.  No big deal.  One was because no one else had raised their hand and the other was because I had to for a grade.  So, Sunday I stopped to speak to my Ministry Leader and she thought it was quite funny that I was doing the Five Minute Teaching because she knows me, in front of people, speaking, in church is something I don’t do unless forced.  She said be prayful about it.  What the hell am I supposed to talk about for five minutes which will seem like an eternity?  I have a scripture that I found by accident and absolutely love.  You know how you stumble across something that speaks volumes and you check the cover of the book thinking, “yeah, this is the Bible”.  Never ever in my lifetime of attending church have a read this part of Job. 

17 “Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. 18For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. (Job 5:17-18 NIV)

17 “ Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. 18For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole. (Job 5:17-18 NKJV)

I prefer the NIV translation but I will likely read both because most ole skool church folk only carry the NKJV translation.  So what am I going to say after I spend 4 minutes of my allotted 5 (lol) reciting this passage of scripture? 


We as humans are so disciplined in various areas of our lives.  We are disciplined to getting to work on time, disciplined to getting the kids to school/daycare on time, and disciplined to exercise or eat right to maintain our health.  When it comes to being disciples of God we tend to play it by ear, wing it, do what we can when we can fully aware that we have a net called Grace and a bungee cord called Love in the event we fall short.  But, unlike with tardiness to work or late fees with bills, we get pretty upset when God reprimands us for not doing as we ought and for not doing as He asked us.

We complain, throw tantrums, question His love for us, and whether He still favors us when He decides to correct us.  We never do those things with others who should not matter since our purpose is not rooted in worldly things.  Blessed is the man whom God corrects because He does so out of love.  Remember when your mama and daddy used to say that?  You were thinking, “bullcrap!”  Until you get your own kids and then you understood.  You despised your parents because all you saw was the hurt the correction was causing you but you failed to see the hurt your incorrect behavior was causing them.  Or God.  He wounds us.  He convicts us.  He brings our filth to the surface and forces us to see and acknowledge it.  He wounds us in His correction so we will stop wounding ourselves in our rebellion and defiance. 

In the end He binds up all those things that are not like Him and, in the end, He heals the pain caused by the correction if we’d just sit long enough to see what He’s up to instead of jumping to conclusions and assuming He has lost love for us.  Maybe it’s just me but I’d worry more when I don’t feel bad about something I’ve done.  Blessed is the man God corrects because, if left uncorrected, we’d all die and He has already proven He loves us too much for that to happen.

How does that sound?  If it’s too much I can shave off some sentences or talk really fast.  It’s only Five Minutes so I am def making a mountain out of a mole hole but I hate to do stuff half ass’d so…..seriously, how does it sound?  Whatever.  I still have 24 hours to tweak it….

July 10, 2009 Posted by | Christian, Spiritual | , , , , | 2 Comments

Morning Conversation

80130222RP007_Flora_London_I lost my peace sometime between leaving work Friday and going to bed Friday night and woke up Saturday morning still missing it.  Before I got out of my bed I started talking to God.  I bypassed the “Our Father which art in Heaven hallowed be thy name” and just began to vent.  I explained my blog yesterday.  My need to be honest about everything that I feel and what I am thinking from the most minute such as “what am I wearing tomorrow?” to “Does he really love me?” to “I’m afraid to die and find out you were never real”.  I got out of bed still talking to him about my issues, my friends’ issues, other concerns I have heard about, and everything inbetween.  I talked to him on my way to the bathroom while I sat on the toilet wiping more than tears from my eyes.  I hate when people lie.  I absolutely hate it.  It’s the silliest thing I will never understand about people who would rather lie than tell the truth knowing that the truth may hurt but the foundation of trust is still intact.  I can get over hurt feelings but if you obliterate that foundation then all may be lost all because someone decided to lie. 

I went over all the crap those around me say to encourage themselves such as “this too shall pass”, “I am bruised but not broken”, “I am inbetween financial blessings”, “things have been worse”, etc.  That’s fine and dandy but, between me and you, I need to vent.  I left the bathroom and was still talking removing some stuff from my chest but not quite there yet.  I talked as I put on my black tank with my panties.  I talked as I placed my Windsor Pilates dvd into the dvd player and I continued talking while cussing at the dvd because it wasn’t playing because, as I had forgotten, my remote was broken so the cursor on the menu screen refused to move down the list to actually start the workout.  I complained to God about needing a new tv, an air conditioner, and now a new dvd player.  I vented about not wanting to spend money on stupid stuff while I turned onto my stomach to do push-ups…..the girl kind. 

I did maybe 15 of those and turned onto my back to do some crunches.  Still talking but at this point I was talking about whatever was coming to mind and thinking about what I had to do that day but my body wasn’t where my mind was trying to get so I grew frustrated again as I continued to talk to Him and text two friends who wondered why I was up so damn early in the morning.  Then I realized what I had to do.  My body was wide awake and restless and needed to get moving and this working out at home wasn’t cutting it so I put on some red socks, laced up my blue Nikes, kept on my black tank, and threw on my grey plaid Purdue shorts and looked for my Nike watch.  I was going on an impromptu run looking like a fashion disaster but I didn’t care.  I found my watch, took my apt key off my keyring and stuffed it into my bra, and went downstairs.  I had since stopped talking to God but I felt he was still listening as I felt a little breeze outside and was happy the heat hadn’t risen yet so it was still good running weather.

Here I was running up Hamlin to Fullerton and turned to go east on Fullerton running until my watch said 15 minutes and then I’d turn around where ever I found myself and run back.  My shorts were not a good choice becasuse these shorts are a good 10 years old, they fit my thighs but the waist is big so I had to roll them maybe three times.  Rolling them down meant my shorts ended up higher than normal which I might as well have worn my panties outside when I realize…..where are my panties?!?!  I was running in shorts without panties….when did I take them off?!?!  Anywho, here I am running.  Shorts rolled up my ass.  Watch in hand.  Apt key in my bra.  Mind wandering on all my concerns and people who threatened to get cut for excessively irritating me while guys driving by honked at my almost bare ass bouncing with each stride.  Then I felt my abs starting to burn at about 20 minutes on my way back.  The more my abs burned the better my body felt as it’s energy was depleting and the more my mind had time to free itself of senseless thoughts and focus on getting me home in one piece lest the Bunny collapse in the middle of Fullerton Ave. 

So I made it home in 30 minutes and I felt much better.  I felt like God has heard me all this morning.  I felt he understood every single thing I said and how I felt.  And, although I am sure he knows all this stuff I told him anyways no matter how my words may shock or disappoint him.  If he knows my heart he already knew anyways.  The truth never fails to heal.  I got back home and did some more crunches and push-ups which were harder to do than before and now I am writing this blog completely naked from the waist down.  I don’t know how this happens but it does.  Off to the shower…..and that was my morning.  I spent it with God telling him what I had wrote about so some of you pesky little people can’t say “God gon’ get you when He find out what you wrote!”  Now, let’s pray that I have a safe flight tomorrow and make it back to the Chi in one piece Tuesday night.  I can now begin my day 🙂

June 27, 2009 Posted by | Me, Spiritual | , , , | 2 Comments