32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Let Him Tell It

**For Ms. Notebook (lol) who I think loves this story more than I…

Let me tell it, he has been with me for 6 months.  Let him tell it, I have been with him for 11 years.  The year was 2000. I was a nineteen year old college student who was at the end of her sophomore year.  Upstairs in my dorm room, I was putting the finishing touches on my hair and making sure my outfit was not wrinkled.  All white was the required attire.  White slacks.  White jacket.  White heels.  White pantyhose.  Pretty in white.  Rituals in a couple of hours.  I’d made it!  I’d crossed the burning sands into Zeta Land!!  It was officially official.  My phone rings, she’ll be here in about 10 minutes, meet them downstairs, bye.  I grab my keys, purse, and take the elevator down to the lobby to wait.  As I open the doors to walk into the lobby I see him.  He sees me.  Familiarity.  I smile.  He smiles.  We say hi and chit-chat.  Let me tell it, it was just an encounter.  Let him tell it, it was the beginning to a lovely story.  Our chit-chat was interrupted by her, then a blow of a horn, I suddenly remembered my plans, and we parted with a couple of good-byes.  Several encounters later but they never meant much to me.  I was in a relationship and so was he.  She stayed in my dorm on the same side a couple of floors below me.  He stayed on the other end of campus near the track which was fitting since he was Big Ten Champion in the high jump for 4 years straight.  Let me tell it, he was aight.  Let him tell it, he was a 6′ god.  Fast forward 11 years, I sit as he tells “our” story.  Most parts I vaguely remember while others I laughed at in disbelief that I had said or even done some of those things.  Back in those college years, he was not happy.  Neither was I.  We both stayed in our respective relationships and allowed them to play out.  However, during that time, I ran into him once in a while.  We had no classes together and no mutual friends other than the track girls I’d met during my 2 failed attempts to make the team.  We didn’t even run in the same circles.  But, without fail, we ran into each other every time I came back for Homecoming.  The last time was about a couple of years ago.  He was there with his former roommate/best friend.  I was with my sorors.  Let me tell it, we accidently bumped into each other in the crowd.  Let him tell it, it was divine intervention that allowed him to walk in the exact direction in which I was walking towards him.  We chit chatted.  Asked how life was going.  Laughed.  And realized he was leaving that next morning while I was leaving the following night.  We exchanged numbers.  Said our good-byes, again.

The text messages lasted for 2-3 months but life again took us on our own separate journeys until a few months ago.  Randomly, he called me out of the blue but I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize so he left me a message.  I listened to it replaying it several times and saying the name he left out loud over and over again waiting for it to jog some memory.  Finally, the light bulb went off!  Oh, wow…it’s been like forever since we’ve talked.  My friend from around the way.  Can’t believe he still has my phone number although I have had the same number for the last 8 years almost.  I call him back.  I give a cheery hi sincerely happy to hear from him.

“How are you doing?  What’s been going on?  I can’t believe you still have my number after all this time!”

“Hey, I’ve been good, can’t complain but I actually didn’t have your number.  I had to find my 2 old cell phones, charge them up, and then search in my contacts for your number”.

(Thinking) “Who does that?!”  (Actually said out loud) “You must do that often (lol).”

“No, I only did it to get your number.”

Silence.

“So, what do you want?  You called me for a reason, I assume.”

“Yes, I did.  My kids are on Spring Break soon so I wanna come see you.  I know it’s been awhile since you’ve seen me and we only texted back and forth at best but I would love to see you if you are free.”

“Your kids?”

“I’m a teacher.  I don’t have any kids of my own but I’ll be on vacation for a week so I was wondering if I could drive up to see you.”

“Um, and then what?”

“Well, I’d like to take you out on a date if that’s ok with you.  I know this is out of the blue but I thought about you and realized we never went out on a date so it’s like perfect timing.”

“Actually, it’s not.  I actually have kids and they aren’t on Spring Break for another few weeks.”

“Oh ok, well if I can just see you for a few hours even that will be great.”

(Thinking) “For who?”  (Actually said out loud) “Oh, well I have to see”.

The minutes were spent recapping what we’d been doing since college.  He even reminded me of encounters we’d had that I’d completely forgot about.  During those earlier years, he had expressed his interest in me while with his girlfriend.  Since my boyfriend had recently cheated I instantly dropped him into the box of “Dogs”.  Men can’t be faithful and they are pathetic!  He says I emailed him asking if we could meet.  We met at an underground library on campus one evening.  Let me tell it, it was a way to grill him about his integrity.  Let him tell it, it was a positive sign of my character because most other women he’d “propositioned” offered their place or his.  We met, sat in a back corner, and talked.  He says I asked him question after question about why he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, why he wanted to cheat with me, what gave him the idea that I would accept, and whether he cared even a little bit about her feelings if she ever found out.  Let me tell it, he was a hot mess of scum sitting in front of me.  Let him tell it, I was a woman who had much self-respect and even his current girlfriend would have been pleased if she’d been there to listen in.  Nothing ever came to be from that.  But, later, it almost did….

He’d cheated, again.  Devastated and emotional, we had another encounter.  This time at his apartment.  I came over knowing “it” may happen.  I didn’t care anymore.  What is faithful?  Loyalty?  Commitment?  Heartbreak?  I know what the latter is and was feeling it.  He opened the door.  I walked in.  I see 2 or 3 guys sitting in the living room one of which I recognized from TV.  Our star football player.  This must be the ultimate bachelor pad.  At least I was in the right place.  We go upstairs quickly because, after all, it was obvious I was not his girlfriend.  He sat on his bed.  I sat across at his desk.  We chit-chat.  I think we kissed eventually.  I’m not completely sure.  I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.  Door closed, I begin to talk to myself.

“You can do this.  It’s just sex.  Everyone does it without thought.  Relax.  It’ll take your mind off him.  You can get even.  Do your own dirt.  It probably won’t hurt as much anymore.  Just do it.  Isn’t that Nike? I love Nike but I’m sure their slogan is not related to sex.”

He says while I was in the bathroom, he realized what was about to happen.  He thought about how sweet of a girl I was.  How I never gave in to his previous advances even remaining friends with him without judgment.  He couldn’t do it.  As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t do it because he’d mess up any real chance he’d ever have with me.  If ever.  He respects me too much.  He thought about that day in the lobby of my dorm when he saw me standing there in all white looking cute as a button (his words….not mine).  He couldn’t go through with it.  I came out of the bathroom ready.  I’d psyched myself up for this and I was going to do it, nervously.  I walked towards him still sitting on the bed and he said:

“Hey, you gotta go.  I have this meeting I forgot about so…”

“What?!”

“I have a meeting to get to.  We meet with the coaches to go over our schedule for the upcoming week but I’d forgot about it.”

“You said it was ok to come over and now you’re telling me you have a meeting??”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

He stands up, walks towards the door, opens it, and waits for me to walk through while I’m thinking “what the hell is happening?!”  We walk downstairs and I walk through the front door back to my dorm in a fog of confusion.  That was the last time we chit chatted while in college.

His Spring Break, our date didn’t happen.  He’s waited all this time…he can wait some more.  My Spring Break, it did happen.  Amazingly enough, we talked like it hadn’t been years.  We laughed.  We ate.  We talked some more.  Let me tell it, it was two friends having a fantastic time after so many years and memories.  Let him tell it, it was his chance to get what he always wanted but couldn’t have 11 years ago.  During this time, he came clean about the “meeting”.  There was never a meeting, he explained.  If he had gone through with it, in my mind, he thought I would look at him like every other trifflin man and remember that years later never ever giving him a fair chance because he had tainted his own reputation.  Would I have entertained him now?  Would I think he was a good guy?  Or would I remember him cheating on his girlfriend at the time when my boyfriend had cheated on me?  My diverted look and silence was answer enough.  Fast forward to now, he says he loves me.  I laugh.  He fumes.  Why so sensitive?  Why so pessimistic?

“You love me? (lol)”

“Yes, let me explain.  I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you in that all white.  I thought you were so cute.  Even my girlfriend noticed it because I had to explain the awkwardness in the air when she walked up and saw us talking.  I’ve thought about you ever since then but you were with someone and so was I.  This is my chance.  I think it’s divine intervention.”

“Divine intervention?”

“Yes, look up the definition.”

“I think I know the definition, thank you.”

“I know what I want.  I see a great woman in you and I’m trying not to let you get away.”

“Interesting”.

“So, do you hate or love me?”

“I definitely don’t hate you.  I like you.  But, I don’t love you”.

“You will once you trust me”.

(Thinking) “Cocky ass”.  (Actually said out loud) “Ok”.

And that is where we are right now.  Let me tell it, he has been with me for about 6 months now.  Let him tell it, I have been with him for 11 years now and this time he won’t let me go.

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May 7, 2011 Posted by | Love, My Writings | 1 Comment

Stress

Sometimes I wonder where all the regular folks went.  Growing up, we had our own little circle of people who talked about home, relationships, marriage, finances, love, work, school, kids, church, God, sex, food, clothing, fashion, technology, etc with honesty.  Now, I keep running into people who want to talk about things that do not matter like celebs, movies, music, etc.  I knew what to expect from life because people talked about their lives openly.  A few weeks ago, a friend asked if I thought she was conceited.  I told her “yes”.  She thanked me for my honesty and I thought the conversation was over until she had to ask “why”.  I told her.  In return, she told me how she felt about me and gave me her honest opinion about a number of things.  I appreciated the feedback and, on some things, I took her advice.  On others, the jury is still out.  I find that I like life more when I am surrounded by people who are real honest about life.  I do not handle stress well….as you can tell.  I never have been good at handling stress.  It scared me, confused me, shook my foundation, and left me confused on where I was supposed to go.  I grew up sheltered by many standards but exposed to the harsh realities within my own home. 

My family is in shambles.  My sister who asked for the $180 went to get her hair done for her and her boyfriend’s 1 yr anniversary while eventually she will complain about being broke and running low on insulin.  My mom is crazy (literally sometimes).  She took out a life insurance policy on my sister because she is convinced her live-in boyfriend is going to kill her.  My mom is in a deep financial hole.  She has struggled with finances from day one and, when God gave her a way out, her spent that on a necklace (thanks Kanye).  She doesn’t qualify for a certain type of bankruptcy and works her life away trying to stay afloat.  My step-dad is an alcoholic.  He has one DUI that I know of, had his license taken away, got a fake license under his brother’s information (identify theft), and has wrecked maybe 3 cars this year so far.  He wrecked this recent car which my mom put in her name (about the time she asked me to buy her a car) and is still driving illegally around Chicago reminding me of the several fatal accidents of drivers with DUIs on the road who killed pedestrians.  My other sister is pregnant without money and her current baby daddy is in jail for whatever reason and all she has is her Link (food stamps) card and whatever agency pays her rent every month.  My ex-hubby is still out of work and still always out partying, eating out, and living it up without so much of $5 in the mail for his kids.  My brother’s prom is next month and he was promised a car but since our step-dad has no license and my mom refuses to let him drive anything but a big wheel, he is screwed and pissed.  My bro is mad at me for not taking his exam for him, he is mad at my parents for not taking him to get his license (or at least take one of the exams), and he is mad that he will not get his shiny new car to rent for prom.  I sound pretty damn normal in comparison.

This is why I do not come around family too much because my head begins to hurt, my heart races, I feel like I can’t breathe, and I wanna cry because they stress me out sometimes.  Yeah, I sound weak.  No, I do not need to toughen my skin and no I do not need to get stronger.  It’s not a matter of me letting them stress me out (at least I don’t think so).  It’s a matter of caring about a bunch of stupid people so much their failures hurt too much.  They are too stupid to see their mistakes.  If I help, I begin to carry their burdens because they will all come with a hand outstretched.  If I stay away from family, my actions are misinterpreted as anything but positive.  That is what I have chosen thus far.  Some things will never perfectly align and connect every dot or even compute.  Some things just refuse to feel right.  My life in its soon-to-be solo state of just me and my kids (until summer vacation) is perfectly peaceful.  No one’s calls to screen, no one’s text messages to ignore, no one’s FB status’ to roll my eyes at, and no one to delete so I do not see their tweets.  If I could, I’d make my blog accessible to folks I approve only but that requires too much work and may be counterproductive.  I wish I had the time to write about health care, immigration (can these folks just get a damn SS card?!), drugs, violence, gangs, economy, politics, or Wall Street.  I read other blogs for those posts.  Right here at least for right now, I feel like talking about what’s going on in my own backyard with my own blood and my own people. 

And yes, I do not anticipate this relationship lasting….he is pissing me off weekly now.  I shake my head oftentimes wondering why I am destined to be single for life.  I tell him to quit his job because he is their slave….he acts like it was his idea.  He runs a business but his employees run him to the point where he must stay nearby to check on them as if they are infants instead of grown men.  I told him to fire them.  He says “they have families”.  I say “they don’t care about their families to skip half a day at work without notice”.  They show up to work when they want to, complain about him to his brother, his brother has to cuss them out to get them back on track, and then he has to pay them out of his savings account.  It’s bad business all the way around but my degree in management means little to his years of entrepreneurial/management skills.  He even asked me if he could do my job.  I replied “yes but they require a college degree first and you have to pass a test to even get an interview”.  He said he was only asking cause he likes computers.  I like math but that doesn’t mean I am good at it!  I told Mr. D I would never hire him to manage anything of mine so why would a relationship work?!  Is that not a form of business with love as the foundation? 

No IRA, no 401k, no investments, upside down on your car, not enough savings to carry you thru a lay-off because you use it to pay lazy employees, a business barely in the black, and more expenses than income…yes, we can talk about everything else that is all cutesy and girlie because that is what will make me happy.  But, when I outline all the ways in which your ship is sinking either now or later, he says I am getting too personal.  Money is personal.  Being an entrepeneur with business cards and driving a Lexus is a front.  You are no more wealthy than the crackhead outside your door.  You just have a better chance of getting that small business loan than he does.  But, his money matters are too personal because I struck a chord when I said “I am right”.  Of course we aren’t retiring at the age of 65 anymore so you might have another 20 yrs but time is the valuable component available to you when it comes to retirement esp when you are about 30 yrs from the traditional retirement age which means you will have to set aside more monthly than someone 21 yrs of age would to play catch-up.  Compound interest.  Time.  With little savings, no retirement account, and existing debt with the hopes of children….this is one fool who is too arrogant to listen to some skinny divorcee chick who runs miles for fun and can see a liability before it sees itself.  But, most black men are always complaining that black women do not see the potential.  I see potential but I also see defiance and refusal to listen.  It’s not always about who is the head of the household.  Where is the respect?  Why do I care more about your financial future than you do?  And who pays a car off just to buy another one?  Idiot!

I still pray for them.  I honestly haven’t prayed in forever but I started again because someone needs to pray and since it’s my family I guess that someone is me.  Mr. D?  He’s a man….they figure these things out naturally.  Isn’t that what that Y chromosome is for?  Let them tell it…

May 3, 2010 Posted by | Life, Love | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sam* & I

Sam* is a co-worker of mine whom I have written about before but I can’t seem to find those posts (translation: I’m too lazy to look for them).  Sam and I have been friends since my first day on the job when I thought to myself “he is the cutest white guy I’ve ever seen!”  We often ran together, went out to eat, and did little Bible studies on the lawn near our office building with several other Christians when the weather was nice.  As time went on, I began to know Sam as I know him today and realized that friends is all we shall ever be (not that I had any elementary hope he would sweep me off my feet or anything…that I will admit to).  We had a disagreement about Christianity.  We had a disagreement about race relations in America.  We had a disagreement about Sarah Palin.  We had several disagreements to the point that I saw imaginary train tracks slowly building between where we stood across from each other and I wondered if two seemly similar people could ever continue a friendship where we see the world entirely different?  The beginning of the end was when I hurt his feelings (so to speak) when I said (in so many words) that I would not follow his God (although we share the same God) if his God truly represented Sam’s views.  He took that as a slap across the face and I looked him straight in the eye never blinking  although my lids begged to shut for just 2 seconds.  I wanted him to know I was serious and standing my ground.  This white man had strolled by the wrong black woman and mumbled the last string of idiocracies I could possibly take.  In my need to “let him have it”, I disgraced my own image of God (whom sometimes I think is made in my likeness instead of the opposite) and hurt someone’s feelings simply because a) he was a typical white boy who thought he knew the world & people based on the books and TV shows he’d watched b) he thought Christianity was the band-aid to cure all the world’s problems and c) he felt the need, often times than not, to correct my grammar and explain things to me as if I was a child instead of his equal (there is always a time and place to use the word “aint”).  That’s not the point of my post though.  My point is that our friendship survived and we have a newfound sense of respect for each other’s view of the world and those who inhabit it with us. 

Last week, Sam asked me to help him choose a date activity for a young lady he’d met.  Sam is a nervous over-thinker goofball who has gone out on millions of dates, does several trainings a year for the company, and is an excellent public speaker but can’t seem to form a coherent sentence (or even a pre-school sentence in crayon on big-line paper) when he sees a beautiful lady.  He suddenly goes dumb!  I laugh and shake my head and honestly begin to agree when he says, “I’m gonna be single forever!”  This folks, is the story we won’t see plaster on newspapers, in magazines, and on TV shows…..The Corporate America White Single Male Dating Fiasco!  He has gone on more dates than I have time to recap but I like this latest one.  Honestly, I liked them all because I am starting to feel sorry for him a little bit.  He is 37 yrs old, no kids, never been married, and celibate.   He just walked by my desk (cubicle) and started talking so, since he’d interrupted me wasting time while at work, I asked about his date.  He said, “I think she’s too good for me”…..huh?!  Was Sam acting like a girl??  My girls and I do this often…we self-doubt, self-pity, self-everything just to have someone say “you are a great person!  Any guy would be lucky as hell to have you!” just to have to repeat it several more times and finally start making margaritas until the person(s) believes it or forgets what they were complaining about.

Apparently, this new chick is 25 yrs old, Executive Director of an organization focused on prostitution and modern slavery, but her main (paying) job has something to do with brand placement in commercials/tv shows/movies, etc.  I didn’t try to lift Sam’s mood because I’m not really good at that kinda stuff (I’m usually the one getting the drink mix out) but I did ask him why he felt that way (I take the psychiatrist role sometimes).  He said because she has accomplished so much in her life thus far, has so many goals still set for herself, and she is a forward thinker which he is not.  I asked him what kind of thinker does he consider himself to be.  A present thinker (I’m sure he made that term up).  He says he thinks of the here and now which explains some things.  Sam is almost 40 yrs old and hasn’t done a single thing with his self.  He volunteers like crazy in his community which is admirable but those things I hear him talking about constantly…he has not done anything about them.  Going to get his MBA.  Completing his CTP exam.  He played baseball in school so he used to coach but he doesn’t anymore but wants to.  He says he doesn’t really have a hobby.  His career is stagnant and, if you ask him, so is his life.  Then I replied “well, this is good because maybe she will add some excitement to your life” to which he says “I don’t understand why she’s interested in me” to which I frowned because I’m not a freakin chearleadery turn-that-frown-upside-down person so I was getting irritated because he required something I didn’t have in me!  I said, “you can do something about your life if you do not like it” and he agreed (yes!) saying he can do stuff like she is and I hurriedly made sure he knew to do these things for his self although she might be a sense of motivation.

He left me to read through her website even saying I should think about getting involved.  I asked “why?” and he said “because you have a compassionate heart”…who me?!  I’m the type of person you’d send to talk down someone about to jump to their death from the Sears Tower and end up forcing the person to jump sooner than they planned.  Me?  Compassionate heart?  I’m not sure about that but I’ll take the compliment as a weird statement to think about later.  Anywho, I seriously hope this woman is “the one” because he is seriously looking to get married, have kids, and poison their minds with his view of God (lol)….just kidding.  He’s a great guy and still a looker but if he interrupts me one more ‘gain with this no-one-wants-me talk while I’m clearly busy doing nothing while collecting a check then I might have to introduce him to angry-black-woman-who-refuses-to-blink….again!

*name has been changed to protect the identity of this sad pathetic person I call my friend.

April 23, 2010 Posted by | Love, Men | , , | Leave a comment

Marry Me, My Friend

Saturday I went to see the highly anticipated, grossly over-rated, overly dramatic, and needlessly emotional movie by Tyler Perry starring Tyler Perry called Why Did I Get Married Too?  It left me wondering why I wasted my hard-earned money.  Supporting our people is important to me but it is sad how the 1st one was so good just to end in this train-wreck with the obvious intent of a part 3.  Watching this movie got me to thinking about marriage in general.  I am no where close to getting married but I know quite a few friends/associates who are engaged, wondering when their man will pop the question, or in a relatively serious enough relationship to take pre-martial classes individually or as a couple.  I am sad to say I am a divorcee.  But I am happy to say I am divorcee (lol) & not one of the many African-American women who have never been married.  I would love to get married again.  I believe in the sanctity of marriage but, like college, marriage is not for everyone but it is for me.  All of my friends who are engaged are first-timers so I love to hear the little updates on the planning of the wedding, finding THE dress, picking the flowers, finding his ring, and booking the perfect honeymoon destination.  I think it’s extremely cute….like a new mom with a newborn baby.  You see the joy and unrealistic glimmer in her eyes but you whisper to yourself “wait for it…..wait for it” because you know there will come a day when she will wonder “why? why? why?”  Not at the baby or at her husband but at the naivety of thinking things will be picture perfect and problem-free. 

I have been told I think too much about things without letting things flow.  I don’t flow.  It’s not something my mind can do too often but, when it does, it is beautiful.  So I’ve been told.  I treat men like they are my lab rats.  So I’ve been told.  I over-think and over-analyze everything.  I ask too many questions.  I expect too much.  I have expectations period.  I have a timeline.  I have the intention of going from point A to point B but I always end up with a serial point A person who ain’t ready for point B so I take the criticism cheerfully (after some time) and move on.  I know what I want.  The good thing is that guys know up front what my ammo is.  The bad thing is guys know up front what my ammo is (lol).  I say that to drive home how messed up communication is within some of the relationships I see.  It’s not that he thought you wanted A or that you thought he wanted B.  You 2 never talked about it at all!  Relationships involve a lot of talking (partly from women) but the important talks are tabled because it might be too soon, it might disrupt the flow, it’s taboo, it’s always something negative but never anything positive.  Talking about where this person is coming up short, what they do that is a deal-breaker that they have no clue about, or what you struggle to give them so you stay at a safe emotional distance….those are important things to talk about but not all the time to miss out on the fun of making memories & moments.  But, talking about them makes sure both parties are on the same boat, heading in the same direction, interested in finding the same shoreline, so they can bask in the sun along the way.  Communicate.  It solves more problems than it creates.

I don’t think people understand what a marriage involves although they know what a marriage is.  I don’t think people understand what they have to bring to the table or it’s highly inflated.  I think people ask for more from their mate than they are willing to do themselves.  I think people get married because it’s “time” or it’s the right thing to do.  I think marriage has become a step in the overall process of dating/courting instead of the legal confirmation of an already existing committment.  If you don’t already see her as your wife (or him as your husband) then it won’t suddenly happen as soon as you sign the dotted line.  I think most things are a state of mind as opposed to an executed action which is why some things fall apart and others stay together.  Why, in some things, we are totally disciplined while other things trip us up every time.  If you don’t see him as your husband that does not mean you never will….it might mean it’s too soon.  Every relationship should have check points (imo) to access how far the other has grown and/or accomplished their goals they told you about during the early dating phase.  At these check points, the other person should honestly access where they are too as far as their own development.  The basic levels of self-sufficiency are fine when starting out but 2 or 3 years into things, what are your new goals now that you’ve accomplished those?  Do you require him to play your husband when it comes to his money but you play his girlfriend when it comes to the sex?  (I’m sure I didn’t word that correctly) Do you really want to spend your savings on this ring and this new house forcing you both to start off broke but married?  If all these things wash away in another recession, will he/she still be the apple of your eye or a thorn in your side?  It’s funny how some refuse to bend for the person they claim to love or bend too much when that person made it obvious you are a back-up plan.

I remember when I saw the 1st Why Did I Get Married?  I like it.  Some members of my church liked it as well but they disagreed with a part of the movie that involved the husband cheating and never caring much at all about the wife so, eventually, the wife decided to pursue a better man and hand her husband the “ex”.  Church friends said the woman should have gone back to her husband and continue their marriage before the eyes of God.  My point?  Folks always got something to say when it does not involve them.  Let me answer to God, ok?  I’m not afraid to do so.  I know what the church says, I know what the Bible says, and I know how everyone under the sun feels about my situation.  Let me live my own life.  Yes, it was just a movie but people always want to drive & steer your life jumping out just in time before they send you over a cliff killing all you love.  Don’t listen.  To some….listen.  To most….don’t.  The same expectations placed on you should be the same placed on the other person in the marriage.  I hate talking to my grandma about relationships because she want to apply her ancient way of thinking to modern times.  She does not understand that women will not die without a man to control the household.  She is always wanting to marry someone off.  She is always wanting a ring instead of shacking up.  But she is the one who told me she wasn’t happy in her marriage, had kids too soon, and never got to live her life.  The advice given isn’t always the advice they would have taken themselves.  I think marriage is fantastic but I also think we should take the time to develop the friendship part of our relationships.  It’s the only part that can survive a marriage.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….I’d marry my best friend any day over the fine brotha who makes me forget my own name.

April 6, 2010 Posted by | Love | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Apples and Oranges II

So, I thought about the comment from 2blu2btru on Apples and Oranges and decided to bring this topic up.  I do not like to waste time, I like to talk & discuss everything, and I do not like to ignore pink elephants sitting in my lap.  I brought up ice skating which Mr. D did not want to do with me because blades and ice do not agree with his mind.  I brought up the Corrine Bailey Rae concert whom Mr. D had never heard of and, after listening to some of her songs, said he did not like her music.  I brought up the ferris wheel at Navy Pier which Mr.D said we will get to soon since “soon” has a different definition than mine esp since this topic has been on the table from last summer.  I even brought up my sorority’s 30th anniversary when I asked him to go with me at my soror’s urging just to be given a “we will see” answer.  Then enters the post Apples and Oranges and why I am growing fairly dissatisfied with our lack of common interests and his refusal to even dabble in my interests. 

I have tried one of his hobbies (jazz) and loved it to be honest.  We went to see Boney James live in concert.  I had never heard of Boney before this time and, thanks to Google, I found his picture & read his bio.  Mr. D played some of Boney’s songs and I wondered how people can listen to instrumentals for an entire album but it grew on me as I learned how to listen to and appreciate jazz.  I began to hear the different instruments and the show was good (imo) since this was my first live jazz concert.  I even found a boxing match in Chicago (amateur local boxers) since he loves watching people get punched in the face until they lose consciousness.  I don’t do boxing but it was something we could do together while I tried to share in his interests.  I went to a seafood place with him (he loves this stuff) and tried crab legs, calamari, crab cakes, and shrimp….all foods I do not like but I tried it anyways since he was convinced that his presence will make a difference this time around.  He even fed me the food from his fork as I slowly chewed each piece with a clear grimace on my face as if I was in pain.  I still don’t like shrimp or crab legs (texture not taste) but the crab cakes & calamari was good.  You see?  I am trying.  Where is his effort??

To answer the comment, no it is not so bad that we don’t have a lot of activities in common.  In fact, that is what makes this all interesting.  The exposure to new and exciting things to say I tried it & to get out of my comfort zone or shell and do something different.  He says I’m a conquerer because I’m afraid of heights but excited to go on the ferris wheel.  I say I live life a little bit more than he does.  The “talk” happened a few hours ago because I read the local paper every single morning on my way to work drooling over the Spring and Summer events happening soon.  I am discouraged because if you invite someone to take part in your interests and you are constantly turned down then you just stop asking but I refuse to spend my leisure time alone.  I did not ask but I let him know that I do not intend to go out solo but plan on inviting a friend.  Which friend?  Well, since I have about zero close female friends here, that friend will be a guy who has already volunteered to have Fun in the City with me.  Mr. D did not like that so out came his ultra bitchy attitude, the “why don’t you just be with him if he’s so much fun” comment, and the “what if I went out with my female friends?” question to elicit a jealous response from me.  I retreated to silence, remembered all the good ways to argue & handle disputes that I learned from some marriage show, and I did not return fire with fire (although he was being childish).  I made it clear I did not like his stank attitude, I thought that comment was below the belt, and I asked what blow up dolls he’d have to find to play the part of these female friends.  Really?!  It’s funny how I only hear about these alleged female friends when I wanna go out with a guy friend instead of sitting in the house because he’s either busy or don’t wanna go out with me.

Long story short, I don’t know why he is here other than we got along fine until this point because I seem to think spending time together and exploring new things is good.  Outside of his friendship, he adds nothing to my life that I feel I can’t live without.  Ok, I’m lying.  I’d be devastated if things didn’t work out but I’d get over it eventually esp since I am suffocating myself while I bend over backwards trying to compromise with his interests.  He is a good eligible bachelor and we can still be friends but I wonder how it will change due to this.  In life, we may walk wherever he wants to walk as long as it’s not on my side of the road.  That point he has made very clear.  This guy friend is seriously more available with his time and down for whatever.  No sexual intentions or ambitions from either side and both parties know about one another.  I asked if it’s just this guy or would any guy piss him off.  He resorts to another “what if I….” question.  Why can’t some guys just answer “yes” or freaking “no” to a “yes or no” question?  It’s not hard.  I set the question up clear and concise to eliminate confusion and I still get a question in place of an answer.  By this point, I was exhausted from being the bigger person and frustrated that not a single one of my “fighting fair and mature” tactics were working to prevent a huge argument….so I hung up the phone.  Either I am destined to be single for the rest of my life or this is just another bump in the road.  Either way, I plan to go out with Mr. Down-For-Whatever and enjoy my life while Mr. D figures out if he wants to be apart of my life too.  Am I crazy or over-reacting?

March 28, 2010 Posted by | Life, Love, Men | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Apples and Oranges

My frat brother who attends the same church as I do always tells me to pick up my crown and place it on my head because I am a Queen 🙂 he reminds me of an old skool uncle or something.  When he asks me a question I should ponder he reminds me “to thine own self be true”.  This is about relationships and your own list of needs and preferences from the other person.  What can you live with?  What can’t you live without?  What is an absolute deal breaker?  What is the icing on the cake complete with sprinkles?  I might be too quick to label Mr.D since most older women say us young girls don’t give relationships time to develop.  Ok, I give you that.  But, in my defense, if I see flags early on then I wanna delve further into the flag so these same older women don’t call me naive.  I love the older women full of wisdom so I listen careful not to make silly mistakes while still in my relative youth.

Mr. D is what I desire from a guy when it comes to finances, money mgmt, investments, entrepreneurial tenacity, and business savvy skills.  He might not be the master in every category but his interest and skill sets either match or surpass mine so I love it.  We talk about money often and different investment vehicles.  It’s great conversation (although probably nerdy too).  We talk of religion although his southern Baptist roots are often not appreciative of my inquisitive Devil’s Advocate uncharted & untamed way of thinking and analysis.  He entertains me at best leaving me to dabble in my philosophical ways solo just for him to calmly remind me that God is God and everything else is decoration.  Mr. D is not athletic.  He used to run track back in high school as I did but that was then and this is now.  Mr. D is not adventurous.  He does not like the outdoors.  He gets hot and cold easily.  He finds things irritating that I love such as sitting outside on the porch in the afternoon talking while the sun heats my toes in my flip flops, walking down the street to get ice cream and taking the scenic route back just enjoying the day, going hiking or camping, sleeping outside under the stars, taking nature walks, chillin’ all day at the beach or park, participating in outdoor sports, watching outdoor events that often take place here at Millenium Park for free, etc.  He gets irritated, hot, cold, bored and want to go inside and do “regular” stuff.

I was born in Chicago so the cold was never an issue but he gets cold in no time flat often running to the car while I walk slowly thinking he is crazy!  He tells me to feel his hands which are honestly cold to the touch.  He tells me no matter what kind of boots he wears, his toes are cold in no time flat.  Can I fault him for having a weaker body (lol)?  He spent much of his young adult years in Atlanta absolutely in love with the city and weather doing entertainment stuff along the lines of music, meeting celebs, and partying.  This was confusing so I asked how he dealt with the weather there?  Air conditioning.  Now, I will try not to turn my nose up but that was the most pussy answer ever!  Air conditioning?  Who goes to a warmer climate and sit indoors enjoying the air conditioning?  All activities I enjoy doing he does not and only seems to do them (with severe tooth pulling) because I like them.  Compromise.  Isn’t that a requirement because you will never find that perfect person (also you will never be perfect) and if I expected to find a male version of myself  then I was not thinking realistically anyways. 

But, when the weather is warm (which is not often in Chicago) I like to get out and do stuff.  Not always because my kids would run me into the ground but there is so much to do that I find hard to comprehend doing solo.  When the kids leave for the summer should I go out alone?  Mr. D has already made it known that he doesn’t like me spending so much time with other guys but admits he can’t stop me but….he is boring!  Work all day everyday, sit at home, go out to eat, do something indoors, blah blah blah.  As long as it’s indoors then it’s fine.  As long as it’s air conditioned then it’s fine.  As long as Mr. Vampire doesn’t come into contact with the dreadfully hot sun then he’s fine.  Maybe I can slowly get him to like certain things I enjoy, maybe I can introduce him to different things, maybe I can get him back into sports for fun….does this qualify as trying to change someone?  He knows I run…I’ve asked him to run with me to which he’s said “ok”…time will tell on that one.  He will likely give a flat out “no” to camping, hiking, or laying in grass for extending periods of time doing nothing because he might break out into hives.  He’s never had a good ole basket full of food, sat on the red plaid’ish blanket outdoors under a tree, and just eat at a regular old picnic….I told him he need to live a little before he dies a complete loser.  Ok, I didn’t say that but I thought it to myself and told him we will do that soon too.  I know me enough to tell myself the truth, I can’t deal with this sedentary lifestyle for the long term.  He’s cool and all but I think like a guy sometimes when it comes to activity and he seriously need to man the phuck up!

March 24, 2010 Posted by | Life, Love | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Men, Marriage, & Monogamy

Sometime last month (I think), I was sitting here thinking about marriage and the sanctity of it while watching a news program about yet another politician cheating on his wife and calling his mistress his “soul mate”.  I did not have anger towards this man or think he was an abomination towards anything or anyone.  Oddly enough, I felt sorrow for him because he is yet another man who has found themselves participating in extra-martial affairs.  So, I wondered if marriage is what it ought to be and whether humans are even capable of being monogamous for the long-term.   It’s not to excuse this, or any guy’s, behavior but to ask if you can truly tame anything wild.  When I say “wild”, I mean anything that must deny it’s natural behavioral instincts to fit a standard or expectation that may honestly be un-natural.  I put together a small 10 question survey called Men, Marriage, & Monogamy as just a drop of water for my increasing thirst to see if people are willing to answer questions about monogamy.

First off, I did not want to limit the definition of “marriage” since my definition is based on my faith and not everyone follows the same beliefs as I.  Secondly, I truly believe that some couples who have never signed the dotted line of some legally binding document are more married than a couple who has.  Thirdly, I honestly believe that (based on my Christian faith) if God sincerely looks at one’s heart then one’s heart must be in the relationship wholeheartedly for a marriage to stand the slightest chance.  And, lastly, we wrestle with our flesh day in and day out so I would never expect marriage to cure all attraction to the opposite (or same) sex and would think anyone who claims it has is an undiagnosed lunatic or simply has not been married long enough. 

The survey was open to all married men of at least 18 yrs of age.  I was going to restrict the survey by religion or even sexual orientation but lust & attraction applies across the board in my opinion so I left it as is.  The survey is still open (I cancelled the expiration date so readers here can view the 10 questions although any married man who wants to can still participate) but I have collected sufficient data for now to complete this post.  Based on the number of married men who anonymously and voluntarily completed the survey:

Age

  • 44.4% are between the age of 26-35 while 55.6% are between the age of 36-45

My spouse is

  • 100% are married to a female (I guess no gay guys wanted to participate 😦 )

Length of marriage

  • 11.1% have been married <1 year, 44.4% have been married 1-5 years, 11.1% have been married 5-10 years, and 33.3% have been married 10-20 years

Do you love your spouse?

  • all 100% said they do indeed love their wives

The next question involved a rating scale to gauge how satisfied each married man was in the following categories:

Currently, please rate your level of satisfaction with your spouse in each area:

  • Quantity of Sex – 66.7% said it “Could be better”, 22.2% said “I’m walking clouds”, & 11.1% said “Completely content”
  • Trying New Positions – 66.7% said it “Could be better”, 22.2% said “Completely content”, & 11.1% “I’m walking clouds”,
  • Use of Toys – 77.8% said “Completely content”, 11.1% said “Could be better”, & 11.1% said “Better than I imagined”
  • Oral Sex – 66.7% said it “Could be better”, 22.2% said “I’m walking clouds”, & 11.1% said “Completely content”
  • Intercourse – 44.4% said “Better than I imagined”, 22.2% said “Completely content”, 22.2% said “I’m walking clouds”, & 11.1% said “Could be better”

Which of the following have you done since getting married?

  • all top 4 rows had a 100% “Never” response.  The last row involving just the thought of doing one or more of the above mentioned with someone other than their spouse resulted in 66.7% saying this thought has occurred “More than once” & 33.3% saying this thought has “Never” occurred.

How likely are you to remain faithful?

  • 77.8% said “Extremely Likely” while 22.2% said “Somewhat Likely”

Question #9 asked what attracts them to others & allowed the married man to write in his own answer which consisted of:

  • Intelligent conversation, appearance, physically fit women, being in close quarters with a woman for long periods of time, desire to try something different, women who they connect with in social settings find their way into their thoughts, even a women showing him attention, while some replied “nothing” or “N/A” (just listing some keys ones most men seemed to agree on so they were repeated)

Marriage has <<fill in the blank>> my sexual attraction for someone other than my spouse:

  • 55.6% said marriage has “Had no effect on” this attraction, 33.3% said marriage has “Slightly decreased” this attraction, & 11.1% said marriage has “Nullified” this attraction completely

My un-licensed conclusion from these survey results: the men who chose to participate were honest in their views (I truly appreciate that), the majority seem to have at least one sexually related area that “could be better”, the list is endless on what a certain man finds attractive so there is no one thing that catches them all off guard, and the thought alone of another woman (in this case) is a real & expected factor in most.  A friend of mine is thinking about doing a book concerning marriage & relationships so this was a big help to her although I may be asked to create more surveys in the near future about marriage, relationship, sex, or anything related.  This time the survey was targeting men only because of the politicians in the news recently so it is not a diss towards women or the ignorant thought that women do not or will not cheat.  I would hope I did not offend anyone, I would like to think my eagerness to understand the trials of a man while married in this lust-filled world are appreciated, and that my sincere gratitude towards those who participated is clearly expressed.  Until next time….

March 8, 2010 Posted by | Love, Men, sex | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Realistic Expectations?

I was talking about my date with Malcolm to a friend of mine I work in the same building with.  She’s married and only about 10 yrs max older than I am.  I was telling her what happened when she wondered where did expectations go wrong?  In her opinion, some men seem to expect sex for what they have shelled out.  Some men think, “I paid all this money for dinner, entertainment, etc so I should be rewarded at the end of the night.  If not tonight then eventually”.  I am not sure if this is true for all although there are some guys you just know only want sex.  Since I tend to stay away from those, I would say I’ve been surprised more than once when a guy I thought was upright would expect such a thing as if my vagina was for sale and he’d just bought it for the night…did someone wanna tell me this?! 

I don’t think I’m having any success with dating.  If men naturally think about sex a lot but can’t admit that then what?  If they do admit it then they fear I will think they are only around for that.  Depending on how it’s admitted I just might think exactly that.  If I bring it up it is an automatic indicator that I am willing and ready for it to go down?  I remember older people referring to courting….does that still exist?  During courting, the man knew he was responsible for the financial obligation of dating and the woman expected it fully.  When did it all change?  If you go back to that thinking, then men nowadays say women expect too much, are golddiggers, can’t support themselves, are leaning and depending on his money, & it results in frustration.  When I ask an older guy what to do in this situation, they usually say “if he can’t afford you now then he never will.  He wants to be the head of your household then he need to be ready for all that entails”.  Ok, can the man writing the Male Handbook add that to the upcoming newsletter?  Please!  Men complain more and more now and women don’t always feel like hearing it.  You want to be a man but you don’t wanna go broke.  The issue is lack of creativity because I never said a date must amass a certain dollar amount. 

Most women I know have their own are might be labeled “independent women” because they don’t need a man for financial stability.  I was told that men love sex esp oral sex (this is going somewhere so just read) even hearing that good sex (oral esp) will get you a home.  A wedding ring.  Ok, so if men care so much about good sex in every form and will reward that (along with no drama) with a ring & committment then what do women want?  I know some women who have married for love and vowed to marry again for money.  If a woman does sex to a man’s standards and she has secured her financial future and stability by doing that then she is happy, right?  That is the way it seems for some women.  So, what about “independent women” who have their financial future secure by their own means without having to put some porn moves to practice?  What about her?  Then she searches for love?  It is far easier for a broke woman to marry & marry up then it is for a broke man to marry at all.  I know plenty of women with maybe a nickel to their name who have significant others with actual salaries and investments.  I don’t know a man with that same nickel to his name who has a woman with an actual salary and investments.  If anything, he has a women with the same nickel if not less to her name.  I swear the higher a woman’s income the smaller the pool of viable bachelors becomes esp if you are interested in dating only black men.  If not, then her range of options have gotten pretty interesting!

My friend told me how she prayed for a gu after a bad dating situation with tears running down her face.  She asked God for a husband (only women do such a thing lol) and she met her current husband shortly after thinking “him?!” not because she didn’t find him appealing but because God had worked so quickly and all she had to do was trust Him for it.  So, she told me to make a list (and do my ugly cry) of all the things I want in a future husband.  Honestly, I’m not at that point of wanting a husband….I’d settled for a good boyfriend though.  But, my list has changed over the yrs but I thought about one thing that used to be on that list, “a church man”.  I’ve scratched that out many times even about to scratch out “Christian man” which is what I replaced it with.  Most churches restrict single women but encourage or turn a blind eye/deaf ear to the activities of single men.  I want no part of it.  Most churches built around my faith is not too good at producing upstanding men of God although my faith is sufficient enough to do just that.  I’m not asking for too much.  Just someone to have fun with, someone who understands me instead of asking me to turn my head off or stop being me, someone who is fun (I said that already), someone who is athletic, and someone who is a good man that just so happens to follow Jesus’ teachings. Not expecting too much but I know to expect people to fall short.

February 20, 2010 Posted by | Life, Love, Men | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Did I Ever Love You?

Valentines Day is this weekend and I have no Valentine.  I’m not sad about it but it made me think of all the guys from the last 3 years (since I moved back to Chicago) that I swore I loved.  I can think of 3 in particular that, at the moment, I thought my world was spinning so fast that it would spin right off its axis when we called it quit.  For the week (or two) afterwards, I’d assault my friends’ ears with my “I miss him” lines and recapping all the signs I knew were confirmed that this guy right here was indeed “the one”.  Now, looking back I don’t even know if I ever really loved them.  Maybe it was something I just said.  Maybe it was the emotional connection I was feeling.  Whatever it was, it was not what I told myself it was.  Of the 3 I had sex with 1 when I uttered the words “I love you” so I know it wasn’t the sex that made me lose my freakin mind.  Hmmm.  But I do love them still.  To this day I swear, with my hand on a stack of Bibles (that statement no longer holds the weight it used to before I gained knowledge of the Bible but I’ll use it anyways), that I sincerely love them.  Of course it’s an endearing love, an “I hope you are ok” love, a “hey I’ve missed you big head” love, a “I know you know better” love, a “call me when you need me” love, and a “if you need $100 I got you boo boo” love. None of that crap I told myself with the harps playing in the background, angels singing, head over heels, I gotta pinch myself, or anything else closer to fairy tale than reality.  So, did I ever really love them?  Yes, I did and I still do.  I just had to figure out (for myself) in what way I do.

One of these 3 guys asked me, in so many words, if I ever loved him or was he something for me to conquer.  I replied with a percentage stating that he was roughly 70% a conquest of mine.  Something to do.  Something to thrill me.  Something unattainable that, once I got him to say he loved me as well, I was victorious.  That probably sounds bad.  A female friend of mine had called me the Black Widow for the last couple of years.  She says I only have this crazed attraction for a guy when he doesn’t really want me but, once he does, I lose interest.  She even said it’s more obvious after I’ve slept with him (lol girl talk).  I guess, from her perspective, I’ve slept with a guy and lost feelings for him not because the sex was bad but because….I just lost that drive as I had in the beginning.  Does that make sense to anyone other than me?  I tell her often it’s just not true.  The guy I recently stopped dating, I was so into him but now, although we keep in touch and he still comes by, I just look at him differently.  According to my mind & a couple blog posts, he was the best I ever had (non-sexual) so I just knew he was “the one” until we became just friends.  Suddenly, I can’t find all that gushy stuff I was feeling.  It disappeared in 7 days flat (usually the time it takes for me to get over those Harlequin feelings) and now I see him as a good friend.  I have started dating someone else so this new guy has essentially replaced him but he doesn’t know that.  Need to know basis is where I have placed him.  So, am I just being young & confused?  Am I a guy?  Am I going to be prone to this indefinitely?  Am I out-of-my-mind?  What I have learned is that guys tend to love me when we become friends so I guess I am more free, at ease, and less of a bytch when we have fun together & don’t worry about labels and in all friend situations there is no sex…..awesome!

Anywho, enough about that…tonight did not work for my date with Malcolm so we decided on next week Thursday.  I usually wfh that day but I have it off & will take the kids to their sitter as usual.  His last class ends at 11am so we plan to go ice skating downtown and get something to eat afterwards.  I asked if that was a good idea to go ice skating as a 1st date when either one of us could very well fall flat on our butts and there goes that whole “trying to impress” moment lol he said “if we fall we get back up – no big deal”.  Well alrighty then.  So, I will look as cute as possible ice skating but I’m not worried since the last time I went ice skating I didn’t fall at all 🙂 now if he falls I will laugh like I’ve never laughed before! I do that, I laugh when people fall flat on their butt while I help them up lol this should ease any nervousness which is a big plus.  Then we can go eat something extra messy so I can get all the licking-my-fingers & eating-with-my-hands habit out there and carry on an entire conversation with sauce on my face lol he’s just a guy however fine he may be and I’m just the only beautiful chick in all of Chicago **places hand on stack of Bibles**.

February 12, 2010 Posted by | Love | , , , | Leave a comment

The Best

Of all the times I have been emotional, right now is new to me partly because I am sad but I don’t feel a strong sense of sadness and I want to cry but as soon as a tear falls I wipe it away confused as to why it fell at all and I am questioning a lot of things but not really caring to question them at all.  So, when I find myself confused about myself I sit down and watch a movie and direct my mind to the story being told on screen since the story in my head is lock in there refusing to come out….at least in the way I want it to come out.  I stop.  I stop trying to edit it and just write it.  Just write it. 

I would like to say I am heartbroken but I know it’s a different feeling than it was with other guys I have blogged about in the last year or so.  The guy from recent blogs did not work out.  My friends say it’s only temporary.  My logic tells me I know better.  Usually, I rest everything on emotions, cry, write sappy poems, listen to love songs, and even try to rationalize what went wrong and why.  This time I really don’t seem bothered by it although I know I’m heartbroken.  So, what is different this time?  This one right here that I recently just ended things with…his heart is astonishing. 

Sometimes I can’t believe the things he has done for others, his family, where his priorities are, how he shows that each day, and how he actually prays and stuff like that.  I know this sounds crazy but maybe I can find words so someone else can understand it too.  From day one, he has never let me lift a finger for anything.  He’d bring me stuff, I’d call and say I need this, he’d say “is this your way of asking?!” and I’d say “can you please ____?”, and he’ll bring it.  Some of my friends said I was being spoiled so I brought it to his attention.  “My friends think you spoil me.  I think you do too.”  He says without hesitation, “I know”.  Alrighty then….lol.  After so long, I began to pitch in not because he asked me to but because I wanted to.  You understand?  I still let him take care of things but when I knew or saw he had a lot of financial obligations on him this particular month, I took him out for dinner instead of the other way around and the sad part is that he thanked me waaaaaay too much!  It was as if he wasn’t used to anything.  He even helps his family out with money when they need it. 

Best story: He told me how his grandma used to knit a lot when he was younger. She knitted him this blanket (I think it was blanket) that he loved but now she doesn’t knit anymore because she was injuried in an accident.  I kinda felt the emotion from his words and knew he cared a lot about his grandma because the one thing she loved to do was taken away from her.  

Best moment: when he was talking about my feet and how one of my big toes is leaning like the tower of Pisa.  I hit him and said how mean that was but then he took off his shoe & sock and showed me his horrendous feet and how the top of his big toe looks like a bobble head (lol it really does). He has done that countless times….made me feel better about a flaw by showing me one of his. 

Best laugh: I have chin hairs lol yes, I hate to admit it but I do.  I pluck them when they get long enough to grab with my tweezers.  One day, during one of these growth moments, he ran his hand under my chin and I almost died!  It’s been a running joke since then.  One day, my 4 yr old told him he needed to shave and he said “so does your mama” lol I almost fell out my chair laughing.  I still punched him though.  Then, 2 mins later, he gave my 4 yr old a quarter to walk over and rub under my chin.  My son did it!  Sold me out for 25 cents….the nerve of him!  He bent over holding his side in laughter not at the fact that he got my baby to take part in his comedy act staring me but because my 4 yr old handed him the quarter back! 

Best date:  he took me to his seafood restaurant I’ve always heard about in Chicago.  He ordered squid and crab cakes so I could try them (I dislike most seafood without ever tasting it) and fed me like I was an infant or something.  He got me to try shrimp (I didn’t like it) and since it was pretty warm that night, we went down to the lake and walk along the beach.  We walked, sat and talked, I took off my flip-flops and stepped into the icy Lake Michigan, and we walked back holding hands.  It was the best 3 or 4 hours. 

Best confession: when he came over, sat down on the couch next to me, held my hand, and swallowed really hard like we was about to tell me my dog had just died.  He said, “I realize I do love you”.  A part of me was like “awwwww!” but then another part of me was like “why you had to be all dramatic about it?!” lol but I knew it was a big moment for him so I played along winning an Academy award that night but still thoroughly impressed that he’d expressed his self at all. 

Best Simple Thing: he came over to fix my water heater which really didn’t need fixing but just needed that little red dial turned over to the Hot side of the display but I didn’t know that….I have never paid attention to a water heater before.  Anywho, he came over and we stepped onto my enclosed back porch which is about the same temp as outside.  I had on a baby tee and jogging pants (I run in this weather so it didn’t bother me) but he had on his leather coat.  He stepped onto the porch and said, “man, it’s cold out here!” while taking off his jacket.  Me not being used to a gentleman, I was thinking to myself, “why is he taking off his jacket if he’s cold??”  Then I realized he was giving it to me when I hadn’t complained about being cold at all!  I was speechless for a long time when I realized that. To me, and maybe I’m giving in to my supreme exaggeration skills here, but it was like he was yelling out “it’s hot in here” but handing me his last drop of water.  You get it? 

Best tender moment: we’d just had an argument and I had come by so he could do something for me and left without so much as a good-bye because I was still kinda mad about our argument the day before and refused to let it go until he apologized.  He walked after me, asked to take me home, and then asked if I was still mad at him.  I’m a pansy so of course I said no and we got into his car and he began to cry.  Not boo-hoo tears but maybe 6 tears total came down his face before he told me his childhood friend had died and he had just found out maybe 1 min before I walked in. 

Worst Poker Face: I was in a real bitchy mood.  I mean it was nasty.  He’d call and I’d snap off.  Then he’d laugh and I’d go off with “what’s so freakin funny?!?!”.  Then he’d ask if it was that time of the month but then answer his own question with a “naw, that’s not for another week” and then I say “you know what, you can kiss my butt!”  At this time, after me being a real bitch he says, “I get it, you miss me don’t you?” and there I am….putty!  He’d figured me out. I asked, “am I too moody?”  Then he said, “naw, I just need to know how to handle each one”.  Interesting. 

Best compliment: he said I remind him of his mom because he can see her strength in me. 

Best kiss: after a fight…we have had many of those but he later called them “misunderstandings” which sounds better. 

Best QT moment: he works like a Hebrew so I’d gotten used to him not being able to stay long if he stopped by although I made sure I complained when appropriate to get my point across that I was mad (i.e. missing him).  One Saturday, he stopped by and, instead of running out the door when his phone ran for an appointment, he told them “I’ll be there in about an hour and a half”.  I looked at him and said, “what are you about to do for an hour and a half?” and he said, “spend it with you”.  Putty…again. 

Best Dad Moment: I was trying for the umpteenth time to show him this stock information so he can invest on his own when my 8 yr old asks me a question about his math homework which I had explained maybe twice already.  I repeat what I said about 2 minutes ago, my son walks away still confused, and he says, “maybe he still don’t understand.”  I say, “well, he is not trying to understand.”  He says, “maybe you need to say it in a way where he can understand it” so he gets up and goes over to help him with this math problem using different words to say the same thing I had just said!  My son?  Finishes the problem like a bulb had just went off in his head and I’m sitting here like “what the hell just happened?!” 

He’d go to church and think about a part of the sermon and how it may pertain to him, what God wants him to do, where he need to help out more in the community, and how he can give more to his employees.  He gave out turkeys in his ‘hood for Thanksgiving and Christmas even bringing me one when I complained about not having one although I had money to get one….I’m such a baby!  He got me into investing, reading about it, the different options, and ways to invest instead of gambling your money away.  He has given me $200 thus far to invest in my own way (I added some of my own money later) and I have yet to teach him about it at all because he won’t stop working. And that is where the problem is…..he works a lot with his 9-5 job, his business, and his evening/weekend job.  I don’t mind the jobs as much as I hate the lack of communication.  We argue about the same issue constantly…or we used to.  Logic tells me that we would never have worked out because, after countless times to work on his communication, he has not and shows no desire to change in that department because that’s the way he has always been.  But, I adore his heart. I am pleased and impressed with his selflessness.  I am mesmerized by him in general.  I have a lot more Best moments but I will stop right here. I often tell myself that my guy must be as great as my friend of an era length of time.  Could it be that he’s better? Oh well….all things must come to an end.

January 10, 2010 Posted by | Love | , , , , | 2 Comments