32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Talking to Me

I’m not even sure I love you.  I tell you I do but I just sat down and wondered if that is how I truly feel or just something I think I should feel – by now.  Before, I would say those words and only meant it once – while married.  Since then, it has been a love for the person but was something I forgot over time.  Time should not diminish it, right?  That’s what I heard, read, see, and know.  Does that mean I still love my ex?  In some ways, I always will.  But you…I am not quite sure.  So, while I sat asking myself if I truly love you like I have told you plenty of times, I asked myself if I am happy.  Not happy at this moment, or was happy yesterday, but happy with you overall.  Am I?  When I was single, I was happy.  I had nothing to think about, deal with, or handle but me, myself, I, and my kids.  You introduced something I thought I was ready for.  Well, maybe I am but you introduced something negative.  With you here, I am irritated more, frustrated, pissed off, and just down right unhappy with you at times.  The only time I felt that way before was with work, my kids, my family, strangers, etc.  All people I am used to and have grown accumstomed to so it never affected me.  You introduce an extra dose of all of the above which I can’t seem to handle at times.  Some times.  Most of the time.  It is funny how I try to even lie to myself.  Right when I was about to start I told me to drop the mask and just admit why you are still here.  You will be the perfect provider.  There, I said it.  Yes, I find you attractive but the world if filled with attractive men.  Yes, I find your character & integrity totally awesome which is where my love sincerely rests – that I cannot lie about.  Yes, I absolutely love spending time with you but it’s usually short lived & scheduled – on your time.  Am I a task?  Something to do Monday – Saturday?  I ask you that often to which you laugh but I never can find the joke.  From my perspective, I would have all my bills split in half with a man with stellar character & integrity & damn good genes.  Why not?  Where am I losing?  How can I possibly lose?  You will pay the mortgage and I’d help out with a portion saving money on my end.  I would save on almost all my bills since my household would now be “our” household.  You were raised to be the Head and provide and have done so quite well so I feel confident I can lay back and let you handle the affairs without worrying.  I am tired of being the Head of the Household, the father & mother to kids I bear, and tired of living life alone sometimes.  You satisfy all of my goals.  You are the best investment I have made in a while – I just need to close the deal.  Close the deal.  That is where things get sticky because you actually say you love me.  You say you want kids.  You say you want to get married first.  You say you see a lot of things with me while I see “savings” over your head.  Is that right?  Good?  Will I even be happy?  You know how some men complain that their wives never want sex?  I can see that being me.  Why?  Because I complain about it now!  You know how I complain that you work too much?

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July 11, 2012 - Posted by | Life

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