32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Free Me!

I was having one of those days and actually felt like the title of this post.  Then, that day turned into several days which turned into a week and then two weeks.  I wanted to signal to the ref (God) for a time-out and I actually did (through prayer) but I think God is ignoring me right now.  Nothing overly stressful, overbearing, frustrating, or even irritating – I just want to get away.  My savings has stalled at $6,500 which is $1k short of my 2010 goal.  I have not accumulated too much debt this year which is good but I will be paying off the 2 remaining debts I have soon – one ends the 1st quarter of 2011 and the other ends 2nd quarter of 2011.  I have to move soon but all apartments I find are crappy and/or too expensive.  I am not trying to spend more than $800/month for rent (Chicago prices) without having a washer/dryer in the building.  I do not get along with laundromats!  My ex is crying broke again but always and forever rocks the latest sneaks, gadgets, etc.  How you broke but flossin’ (do people still use that word?) like we aint in a recession or like you have paid all your bills but got excess to blow?  I do not get it and never will.  Thank God for divorces and second chances.  If I never get a second try, then thank God for acceptance of my fate or destiny.  My semester ended and I waiting for my final grades to post so HR can cut that check and I can pay the remaining balance of my tuition.  My school sent me a letter stating the balance must be paid by Jan 20, 2011 or I will incur a $100 late fee.  You know how HR departments like to drag their feet on things that are important to you so I was trying to get that done asasp but grades might not post until next Monday.  My grades?  I only took 2 courses: one an actual grades course and another which is Pass/Fail.  I should get an A out of the one class since all we were required to do was turn in 6 papers (which I did) and participate in discussions (I muttered something every blue moon).  The other class I passed with a 98% on my final exam so I am elated!  Partially mad that it is only a P or F class but still happy that I retained enough knowledge about accounting/stat/econ/finance to get an A.  As soon as grades post, I am emailing/calling/IM’in (yes, we have corporate IM) the HR folks. 

All that aside, I just feel like getting away but I cannot afford to dip into my already low savings account.  In my head, I thought of how great it would be to just go somewhere for a full week.  My kids will be with their dad and I have that entire week off work anyways – no barriers except finances but I can still use my imagination.  I would go someplace semi-warm (it’s even kind of cold in FL and CA), run daily in nice weather, check out cool eats, do different activities, sleep in, eat until I am wobbling instead of walking, meet new people, and just get out of my same old routine environment.  I have no plans for Christmas or New Year’s Eve.  I definitely plan to avoid a church though.  My thoughts even included going solo.  No one to get on my nerves, complain about their life when we are supposed to leave that sh*t at home where it needs to be, no one going anywhere broke like some people like to do, and no one messing up my perfectly serene me time to dictate what I want to do on my own dime during my week of ultimate vacation.  But I sat down and looked at my financial goals for the next year, check on my progress thus far, and asked myself how financially irresponsible can I stand to be without coming back completely recharged but bogged down by the money I spent while away?  If I have to ask that question then I probably shouldn’t go anywhere.  I ask myself all the time, “what if I die tomorrow?” to decide on doing something spontaneous and fun.  My vacation is delayed – tabled – pending – TBD because if I die tomorrow I would feel bad about leaving so little behind for my kids.  I need to unlearn that crap….thinking of others before myself because, although it sounds cute and upright, it would be nice if those same bastards (not my kids) thought about me in the slightest bit. 

A friend asked me to accompany him to Miami, FL next Feb 2011  – I might do that.  This same friend has every intention on going to Paris for his birthday in May 2011 and asked me to join him – I might do that.  Will either of these trips actually take place?  Maybe one of the two because, from where I sit, the latter is so not in his financial future but his vision might see something mine does not.  Hope, maybe?  But, that is not the solo trip I imagined.  Being a loner is peaceful and less stressful.  Traveling alone can be dangerous, I know.  I only wish I cared that much to do more than just acknowledge it though.  My vacation will come soon enough and it will be magical, free, and rejuvenating.  One day, a guy I met (when am I not meeting a guy?!) asked me how I would feel if I was locked up alone in an all white room without a door or window so I could not leave and no one could come in.  I told him I would feel strangely at peace with that set-up.  I would feel comfortable, free, able to enjoy the company of the one person I adore most in this life – me.   Then I stopped and wondered why being closed out from the world and alone would not scare me, cause me to go insane, rip off each nail trying to dig a hole through a wall or two, lose my voice screaming for rescue, or fear I might talk so much to myself that I might lose my grip with reality (I have watched too many movies)?  First, I am a firm believer that I take God everywhere with me so I am never alone even though I might talk His ear off.  Second, I stated several times that I am a loner and often cannot stand people.  Third, I tend to accept the way things are to be rather than try to change what cannot be changed.  If there are no doors, windows, and no one else in the room then maybe my attempt to get out of that room will magically create a door/window, etc and that would be a twist, test, or whatever.  Maybe I desire something else.  The guy later told me that that scenario depicts death and someone’s answer will show how ready they are to die.  Am I ready to die?  Of course my answer will forever and always be “no” but I pray God at least asks me first before snatching the life from my body.  Pretty please?  Maybe then He will give me my time-out instead of calling the game to an end….I always have it in me for a little overtime or two or three or four.  Five seconds on the clock, the game is tied in the 4th quarter, Denisha has the ball, the Angels are on their feet, Satan is yelling for his team to D up but they can’t stop this Chicago chick cause I’m breaking ankles like they’ve never been broken before, I go for a layup with my tongue hanging out MJ-style, and then the whistle is blown…..come on ref!!!  But I shut-up before I end up with a technical too.


December 17, 2010 - Posted by | Life | ,

1 Comment »

  1. Are you just looking at apartments in the city or are you also looking in the suburbs? Housing is always difficult, especially when you have to move from a place that met your needs.

    New Year’s Eve plans are always especially hard for me. I don’t want to go to a club (because I truly don’t like them, especially when there are that many people out), and church is OK, but I’d rather have cool, cosmopolitan friends who had a nice get together at someone’s house that was just a good time. But since my imaginary cosmo friends aren’t real, I have no idea what I’ll do for New Year’s Eve…again.

    I never try to talk to people about their money, unless they ask, and then only if they really want to know…and very carefully. Even if I think they’re going to be disappointed, or that they are nutty. People get really sensitive about that sometimes, and it has no effect on me. I just say something positive yet non-commital. 🙂

    Comment by 2blu2btru | December 20, 2010

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