32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Flatline

I never thought I, of all people, could kill love.  Never knew it would be my hands with its blood on them.  It started out such a beautiful summer day complete with sunshine, birds singing, and a sweet breeze that teased my skin.  By the end of the day, I was watching my love flatline before my eyes. 

My fault. 
All my fault. 

The hurt in his eyes.  The glisten of wetness reflecting off his pupils.  I looked into them and saw my reflection only. 

All because of me. 

He walks toward the door.  I jump up and run after him grabbing his arm to turn his body towards me while slamming the door closed again.  Wrong I am but determined not to let him walk away from me.  Justified he is but fighting to the wire is how I want to go.  He looks into my pleading eyes but quickly looks away.  The hurt I see kills me.  What can I say?  How can I make this right? 

I begin to speak. 
To explain. 
To apologize. 
To promise. 

Never again will this happen.  Never ever again, I promise. His face is frozen in hurt with hurt.  My words are not registering.  His mind is absorbed in my crime.  His ears refuse to hear my defense.  The jury is settled on a “guilty” verdict. 

Fear grabs me. 
“Do something!”
I yell at myself
“Think woman think!”
Panic

I take his hands in mine.  He snatches them away.  My fear intensifies as I hear us flatlining.  My heart races as I suddenly hear the steady hum of his. 

Void of life. 
Void of love.  
For me. 

“Please!” leaves my lips.  He continues to look away.  I grab his hands again and wrap them around my waist.   He stands there stoic but his hands remain where I place them.  I wrap my arms around his neck.  Then drop my hands to his chin.  I turn his face to look at me.  Only for a few seconds before he looks elsewhere.  He refuses to look at me.  Refuses to hear me.  Refuses, until now, to even touch me. 

I kiss his lips. 
No reaction. 
My eyes tear up.  

“Keep trying!” I tell myself.  I kiss his lips again.  He turns his face from me.  Tears escape me.  I hold his chin between my hands and kiss again.  His lips remain frozen. 

“You love me!”
I tell him. 
“He loves me”
I remind myself. 

I start to shake him.  I hit his chest and yell it again, “you love me!”  Tears run down my face now. 

“Try again dammit!”
I yell to myself. 

I kiss him again.  No life. 
Kiss again.  No love. 

My chest burdens from crying.  His hands drop from my waist. 

I am losing him. 

I kiss again holding my lips there longer.  Then again.  And again. Again.  Then I feel a pucker.  A loud beep.  I gasped loudly with hope.  I keep my eyes closed.  No false hope.  I kiss again.  Sure enough, he has puckered his lips.  I kiss again.  He kisses me back.  Weakly.  A kiss nevertheless.  I hold his face in my hands and kiss again. 

Hungrily. 
Ravished. 
Starving. 

I rise up on my tip toes.  I hold on for dear life.  Trying to salvage it.  To breathe love for me back into his heart.  To awaken him to me once again.  His hands find their way back to my waist.  I hear another loud beep.  I exhale.  We kiss again.  He holds my waist tightly.  Another beep.  Still kissing, he kisses me back.  I feel his tongue.  Now steady beeps are heard.  I cry harder.  I keep kissing him.  He keeps kissing me. 

I am too afraid to stop. 
Fearful I will lose him again. 
That we will flatline. 
Again. 

Too much fear to revive.  Too much fear to take that chance again.  I never thought I loved so much.  Never knew I would be the one fighting so hard.  I pull away.  Look into his eyes.  Anger still there.  But gone is the glisten of tears.  I have left a scar.  But love had come back. 

To think I almost lost it.

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June 25, 2010 - Posted by | My Writings | , , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. This poem hit me hard…I felt such a deep sense of sadness and pain as I read it….and I thought that the scar seemed so very deep in the heart that the prospect of a full recovery seemed very unlikely…a very thought provoking bit of writing here.

    Comment by slpmartin | June 25, 2010

  2. “…and I thought that the scar seemed so very deep in the heart that the prospect of a full recovery seemed very unlikely…”

    I surely hope not as this is a true story.

    Comment by 32B | June 26, 2010

  3. what did you do because i feel this situation coming on…

    Comment by littlemissconceptions | January 9, 2011

  4. I kept my promise. I never crossed the line, never felt tempted by it again, and I did it all where he could see me until he was able to trust when out of sight. Small price to pay for a mistake I made.

    Dang, I read this again as if someone else had written it and those feelings came back like it was only yesterday. You only have to almost lose love once to know never to play with love again.

    Comment by 32B | January 14, 2011


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